Tag Archives: Game of Thrones

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Game of Thrones – S6E1 – The Red Woman – Recap

It’s finally here! The return of Game of Thrones! And the return of my recaps! You might remember that in order to get over some serious Games of Thrones withdrawal between seasons 4 and 5, I started reading the books. The withdrawal hit even harder between seasons 5 and 6, and I’m happy to report that I am now caught up on all the books that have been published to date. That’s right, I’m now one of those “That’s now they did in the books” people. Yay. Um. Hey, where are you going?

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Don’t worry, I still plan to keep these recaps full of the humor you’ve come to expect, but I might actually remember a name or two now (though Margaery will ALWAYS be Princess Low Cut).

Thanks for joining me for another season. Please enjoy…

Wow, that was one long ass Previously on Game of Thrones to start the episode. Did they show a scene from every episode of the series? Is a long Previously on… supposed to make it easier to tell all the brunette northmen with beards apart from each other? Or is it for people who are checking Game of Thrones out for the first time and thinking, “I’ll just jump in on this show 6 seasons in.” Smart choice there, big guy. Thankfully the Previously on… finally ends and the opening credits start. We can all agree these are the coolest opening credits of any TV show ever, right?

The episode starts on the Wall. Where else would it start? My friends, family, coworkers, casual acquaintances,  baristas and I have been theorizing for 10 months as to whether or not Jon Snow is dead. If the episode started anywhere else in the Seven Kingdoms, I would have thrown a Joffrey-sized fit!

Jon is bleeding out in the snow while Ghost howls mournfully. Davos is the first to find Jon. Jon’s friends including Dolorous Edd (see, I told you I read the books! How else would I know Dolorous Edd’s name?) are the next on the scene. None of the guys who stabbed Jon show up here. They must have all been like, “Sweet, he’s dead. Let’s leave the body here and get a nap in.” There is A LOT of blood under Jon. Despite there being more blood left on the snow than still in Jon Snow, Davos is convinced that Jon is only mostly dead and calls for Miracle Max, sorry I mean he calls for Melisandre, aka Smoky Vajayjay. I don’t care how many books I read, she will always be Smoky Vajayjay. Just like Miracle Max with Westley, Smoky Vajayjay has some hesitations about bringing Jon back.

In a meeting of the brothers later that morning, Thorne flat out admits to killing Jon. Interesting strategy there, Alliser. Amazingly, it works. People who were ready to kill Thorne seconds before this are suddenly like, “You know what? He’s right. Jon Snow had to die.” Apparently Jedi mind tricks exist in Westeros. While Thorne is explaining why they had to kill Jon, that asshole kid who stabbed Jon and shot the arrow that killed Ygritte looks on all smug. I get it, you hit your growth spurt in the off-season and you’re feeling all swagger about it, but I really want someone to hit you in your face.

Davos realizes his small group can’t take on Thorne alone. He needs the wildlings to back him up. One of the brothers still loyal to Jon goes off to find them.

Down in Winterfell, Ramsey is mourning the death of that bitchy girlfriend of his, Myranda. Seriously Ramsey, you are the only one who liked her. The only one. Some dude who looks like John Malkovich looks on. Oh, he’s the Bolton’s maester. Maester Malkovich tells Ramsey that see that Myranda’s body is properly laid to rest. Ramsey tells him to feed Myranda to his hounds; she’s good meat. Just in case you ever forget that Ramsey is crazy and the worst, the writers of the show make sure you remember with scenes like this one.

Roose Bolton meets with Ramsey. Roose wants to know who killed Stannis. I was very surprised that Ramsey didn’t take the credit and tells his father that he doesn’t know. Roose needs the North united behind him, and for that he need Sansa Stark. Retrieving her is his top priority for Ramsey.

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Speaking of Sansa, she and Theon are fleeing, with Ramsey’s hounds in hot pursuit. Theon convinces Sansa to wade through a freezing river in order to lose the dogs. Hmm, looks like Theon has been reading Living With a SEAL. I love that book. Theon and Sansa hide in the trunk of a giant, overturned tree. Despite Theon and Sansa’s ice bath, the dogs are catching up. Theon decides to sacrifice himself for Sansa. He tells her to hide, then run. He then heads straight for Ramsey’s men. One of the men jokes that he’s wondering what Ramsey will cut off Theon next. The men want to know where Sansa is. Theon lies, and tells them that she broke her leg and died as they were escaping. They don’t believe him. And that’s when Theon finds out that hunting hounds can pick up a scent that’s 15 feet away. Oh come on! All this and now Sansa and Theon are going back to Ramsey?!?

game of thrones s6e1 sansa and theon hiding in tree

And then Brienne and Pod save them! Wooooo! Brienne is getting all the love from fans for this scene, but I just want to point out that Pod actually managed to stay on his horse. Someone give it up for Pod. After Brienne and Pod kill all of Ramsey’s men, Brienne lays her sword at Sansa’s feet NEW TEAM UP!!!!

Down in King’s Landing, Jaime’s boat is pulling into port. Cersei runs down to meet them. She can immediately tell something is wrong when she sees the look on her lover/brother’s face and that casket behind him. Side note: was Bronn on the boat in this scene? Did anyone spot him? I didn’t think to look for him until afterwards.

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I’m really feeling for Jaime and Cersei right now…and damn it, Game of Thrones, you did it again! Making me feel all mushy for Westeros’s favorite incest couple. But really, right now, I want a Tarantino directed Jaime and Cersei buddy road movie. Leave King’s Landing behind and travel Westeros with a sword and a lot of sass.

Princess Low Cut is in jail. Ooo, she’s dirty, and not in the fun way. She looks like she’s been sleeping in my daughter’s diapers. The used ones. A septa keeps telling her to confess. The High Septon visits. He’s playing the good cop to the septa’s bad cop. But his message is the same, he wants Princess Low Cut to confess.

Over in Dorne, the Dornish Prince and Slutty Princess Leia are getting along way too well. Okay, okay, I said last season I’d stop calling her Slutty Princess Leia. She’s been in mourning since the Red Viper died and hasn’t worn anything approaching Leia’s slave girl outfit from Jabba’s throne room in over a season. Anyone have a good nickname for her? Otherwise, Ellaria it is.

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Anyway, Ellaria and Prince Doran (really? The Prince of Dorne is named Doran? That would be like Queen Elizabeth being named Brittany) are getting along WAY too well. Oh. Wait. The Sand Snakes kill Doran’s big black bodyguard and then kill him too. People who usually hate each other suddenly getting along is to Game of Thrones what getting over your father issues it to Lost; it means someone’s about to die. Going by how many people rise up to stop Ellaria from killing the prince, it seems like the prince’s bodyguard was the only person in his corner in all of Dorne. Well, maybe the bodyguard and Trystane, his son.

Speaking of Trystane, two of the Sand Snakes bust in on Prince Trystane and tell him he gets to decide who kills him. He picks whip. Spear then spears him in the back of the head. Classic Spear.

Remember last season when every time they would cut to Dorne, and we’d all be like, “Ugh, this story again. Just kill them all off!” Well, it looks like someone was listening.

In Mereen, there’s no sign of Dany. Tyrion and Varys walk the streets. Mereen has seen better days. This scene is shot in a very cool way. Lots of long shots, sometimes partially obstructed, making it seem like there are many eyes of Varys and Tyrion everywhere they turn. I kept waiting for a Sons of the Harpy ambush, but none came. Tyrion has a funny exchange with a homeless mother in which he tries telling her, “I want to feed your baby,” but it comes out, “I want to eat your baby.” Such a small change, such a big difference.

games of thrones s6e1 i want to eat your baby

Daario and Friend Zone are riding around looking for Dany in the countryside. They spot a burnt carcass of a ram, surely the work of a dragon and not a barbecue pit! They find Dany’s dropped ring, but no Dany.

That’s because Dany is being marched in chains by the Dothraki. They whip her. They have no idea who she is. She maintains her cool despite them telling her that they plan on raping her. The two Dothraki present them before their Khal. Dany makes her play. She announces who she is. They all laugh, but the Khal believes her. It announces that is is forbidden to lie with a Khal’s widow and that none of his men shall touch her. Point: Dany. He then tells Dany he’s taking her to where all the widows of Khals go to to get old and die. Point: not Dany.

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In Braavos, Arya is blind and begging. That mean waif from the temple shows up and beats her with a staff. The waif gives Arya a staff and tells her to fight. Arya says that she can’t see. The waif says that isn’t her problem. Good one, waif. Don’t you get it, Arya? You’re still being trained! The waif beats her senseless and then says, “See you tomorrow.” Good pun, waif.

game of thrones s6e1 arya

At the Wall, Thorne tries getting into Davo’s room. Thorne says he promises they won’t kill everyone in the room. Unlike the people in the old SNL Land Shark sketches, Davos doesn’t fall for it. Good man, Davos. Still, it’s a half dozen of them and Ghost against the rest of the Night’s Watch. Thorne tells them to surrender by nightfall.

Smoky Vajajay is looking at her fire. She hasn’t been the same since Stannis lost his big battle with the Boltons. She gets up, looks at herself in the mirror and disrobes. The viewing audience is getting quite a show. She removes her necklace and suddenly she’s old and wrinkled. I mean really old and really wrinkled. Maybe it’s good Stannis didn’t live long enough to see who he really had sex with. What a bait and switch! The audience thought they were getting Smoky Vajajay naked but now we’re looking at this old naked lady and her old naked butt. Point: Game of Thrones. Naked Butt heads to bed. Hellllooooo, you need to revive Jon Snow!

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Melisandre looking old once she took off her necklace made me think of something from the books that hasn’t been included in the show. In the books, it’s revealed that it wasn’t Mance Raydar killed by Stannis in the bonfire, but actually the Lord of Bones, a character that I do not believe made it into the show. Melisandre wove a glamour around Mance to shift the light around him so that people saw the Lord of Bones and vice versa too; when people looked at the Lord of Bones, her glamour made them think they were seeing Mance Raydar. This is so that Mance Raydar can go off on quest for Jon. Like many stories in these very long books, this storyline was streamlined for TV, and Melisandre never really goes into how her glamours work on the show. This is a long winded way of me saying that I don’t think that the necklace was keeping Melisandre young, but rather that she always looks like an a very old and weathered crone, because that is what she is. I think there is a glamour woven into her necklace, the one with the stone that burns like fire. It bends the light around her so that people see what she wants them to see, a much younger and more beautiful woman. But now that Melisandre is having this extreme crisis of faith, she’s worn down and beaten, and just doesn’t care enough to keep the glamour going. There’s no need to put on airs when everything you believed in has been taken from you. But that’s just my theory.

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NYCC 2015 Thursday Panels – Our Picks!

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Written by Sarv Kreindler.

There are SO MANY panels and screenings at NYCC each year, and this year it seems like they’ve grown in number once again. These show guides will help you make the most of your time at NYCC. Here are our team’s picks for the best panels and screenings for Thursday at NYCC 2015!

88 MPH: A Celebration of Back to the Future – 11:00 – 12:00 – 1A06

Back to the Future turns 30 this year! Join the filmmakers behind “Back in Time,” the Steven Spielberg approved documentary about Back to the Future. “But wait, didn’t Robert Zemekis direct Back to the Future? Who cares if Steven Spielberg approved this documentary?” True, but Spielberg is the Executive Producer of Back to the Future. I’m setting the over/under of Marty McFly cosplayers in this room at 4. Are you taking the over or the under?

Hasbro Star Wars – 11:15 – 12:15 – 1A24

We haven’t seen any sort of announcement from Hasbro regarding NYCC exclusives at the time of this writing, but I’m hoping with the upcoming licensing monster that is Star Wars: The Force Unleashed, we’re going to get something. Whether or not we get any NYCC exclusives from Hasbro this NYCC, if you’re a Star Wars fan, this is a must-attend panel. With the new movie coming out this December, Hasbro has a lot of new product hitting the shelves soon. See your first look at it here.

Toddfather Talks Toys, Comics, Spawn and Insight Into Being an Independent Creator – 12:15 – 1:15 – 1A06

In all my years of attending conventions, I don’t think I’ve ever heard Todd McFarlane speak at a panel. I was able to get his autograph at two different New York Comic Cons, but I’ve never heard him speak on stage. He’s going to present the new Walking Dead and Game of Thrones sets that McFarlane Toys is producing. I may go to this just hear an hour of Todd on Todd.

Andre The Giant: The Man Behind the Legend – 12:30 – 1:30 – 1A24

If you attended last year’s Cary Elwes panel, this looks like a nice follow-up. Andre the Giant’s daughter, Robin Christensen Roussimoff, will be telling stories about her dad, aka Fezzik from The Princess Bride.

Star Wars Rebels Season 2 Panel – 1:30 – 2:30 – Empire Stage 1-E

Do you watch Rebels? If so, you’re going to want to come to this panel, which fill feature stars of the show. Be sure to come back at 5:30 PM for an exclusive sneak peak of the new season.

DC Comics: Master Class – Art History – 1:30 – 2:30 – 1A21

Babs Tarr and Ivan Reis talk art. Count me in.

Marvel: House of Ideas – 2:45 – 3:45 – 1A21

Stick around after the DC art panel for what is always a great panel, the Marvel: House of Ideas panel. Hosted by Ryan Penagos, aka Agent M, you’ll see exclusive previews before they hit the major comic book news sites. If you want to be the first to hear about new Marvel Comics news, this will be the panel you come to.

The Walking Dead: An Inside Look with Robert Kirkman – 2:45 – 3:45 Empire Stage 1-E

Robert Kirkman talks all things Walking Dead. What else do you need?

Nerdist Writers Panel – 3:00 – 4:00 – 1A10

The Nerdist Writers Panel is one of our favorite podcasts at the Tuesday Night Comics podcast. When Ben Blacker isn’t interviewing guests like the writers room from the first season of Friends (!), he interviews prominent comic book writers about their craft. Expect A list guests at this panel.

How Harley Quinn Conquered the World – 3:00 – 4:00 – 1A24

If you read the current Harley Quinn comics, this is the panel for you. Both Amanda Conner and Jimmy Palmiotti will be here to talk about their hit series from DC Comics.

Game of Thrones: A Panel of Ice and Fire – 4:00 – 5:00 – Empire Stage 1-E

Natalie Dormer aka Princess Low Cut! Keisha Castle-Hughes aka Slutty Princess Leia! Both in one place! And Finn Jones aka Ser Loras too! Before you go to this panel, go to the Dark Horse booth and buy the Joffrey crown and strut into the panel wearing it!

The Biggest Attack on Titan Manga Announcement Ever – 4:00-5:00 1A18

Heidi McDonald’s The Beat was the first to point out that among the panelists here is Jeanine Schaefer, who is known for her Marvel and DC work. Does this mean we’re getting Attack on Titan comics from non-manga creators? The Beat thinks so, and we’re inclined to agree.

Star Wars Rebels Season 2 Sneak Preview – 5:30 – 6:45 – Empire Stage 1-E

I wonder if they’re going to show the entire first episode of the new season. An hour and fifteen minutes certainly seems like enough time to get through a whole episode and then have Q&A after. Or even better, two full episodes and zero Q&A (“My question is…I love you, and think you’re great and awesome and on and on an on…Can I have a hug?”).

 

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The Best NYCC 2015 Exclusives

Every year, there is A LOT of exclusive merchandise available at NYCC. We’re here to highlight the cream of the crop, because not all exclusives are created equal. Note: This post will be updated continuously as New York Comic Con 2015 gets closer and more exclusive merch is announced. Be sure to bookmark this page and check back regularly.

Boba Fett and Han Solo Frozen in Carbonite Itty Bitties – Hallmark

I can’t lie; I have a small obsession with all things Han Solo Frozen in Carbonite. While I have yet to have a life size Han Solo Frozen in Carbonite hanging on my apartment wall, I will happily display this Han Solo Frozen in Carbonite, quite possibly the cutest Han Solo Frozen in Carbonite on my desk at work.

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U-3PO and R5-D4 Keepsake Ornaments – Hallmark

Both of these droids appeared in the original Star Wars movie. U-3PO can be seen in the background of Princess Leia’s ship at the beginning of the movie and R5-D4 was almost purchased by Uncle Owen from the Jawas before the droid shorted out and he bought R2-D2 instead. This Christmas, both will be hanging on my tree.

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Doctor Who Weeping Angel Statue of Liberty Christmas Ornament – Newbury Comics – Booth 2945

A cool exclusive Christmas ornament and it’s not at the Hallmark booth?! New England based comics retailer Newbury Comics has this exclusive ornament that features the Weeping Angel Statue of Liberty from the classic Doctor Who episode, Angels Take Manhattan.

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Death Star Surface Modules Set #1 – eFX – Booth 1344 – $150

eFX is known for their screen accurate prop replicas. This year, they are offering a a very cool set of replicas of the Death Star tiles used in filming the original Star Wars movie. These modules were used to shoot the surface of the Death Star. ILM created different tiles for showing different altitudes. These particular tile replicas are the “high altitude: square tiles in medium altitude configuration.” They’re presented a very nice wall plaque. If you can’t make it to New York Comic Con, or just don’t want to deal with the crowd at the eFX booth, eFX has made a limited supply of these available for sale on their website.

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Mega Man X-Kai Action Figure – TruForce Collectibles – $89.99 – Limited to 1/person/day

If you’re a Megan Man fan, you need to check out this figure. It features over 30 points of articulation, an LED X-Buster and translucent purple effects pieces.

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Deadpool’s Chimichanga Truck Pop Vinyl – Funko – Booth 722

There are have been Funko exclusives at NYCC for years now with their exclusives being sold through partners, but this is the first year that Funko is setting up their own booth at New York Comic Con. And they are BRINGING IT. Funko has A LOT of exclusives available at NYCC this year, from all of their lines. This Deadpool and Chimichanga truck is one of my favorites. It’s limited to 3000 pieces.

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Terminator 2: Judgment Day T1000 Frozen Patrolman Action Figure – Funko – Booth 722

Do you love Terminator 2: Judgment Day? Of course you do. It’s one of the greatest action movies of all time. And this figure recreates one of the coolest scenes in the movie, when the villainous T1000 is frozen solid. I love the design of this ReAction figure. It is perfect in its retro-Kenner aesthetic. It’s limited to 1500 pieces. Expect a quick sellout.

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Clear Glitter Boba Fett Hikari – Funko – Booth 722

Funko’s Hikari figures are hit or miss for me, and mostly miss. To me, they just don’t look cool enough to justify the high price tag. But I am loving this clear glitter Boba Fett variant. It’s limited to 750, so if you want one, act quickly at NYCC. The high price tag might scare some people off, but this Hikari looks too dope to still be available on Sunday afternoon.

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Iron Throne 6″ Super Sized Pop Vinyl – Funko – Booth 722

Could this be Funko’s most popular Pop Vinyl of NYCC 2015? Could this be the most popular exclusive at NYCC 2015? I see this being on the must-buy list for many, many people. I don’t think I have ever liked a Pop Vinyl as much as I like this interpretation of the Iron Throne from Game of Thrones.

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Shaun of the Dead Vinyl Idolz Figure – Funko – Booth 722

 

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TMNT Black and White Ninja Turtles Dorbz Set – Funko – Booth 722

So cute!! Has any set of Dorbz figures ever been as adorable as this four figure set? You get all four turtles in their classic black and white glory. And I absolutely LOVE the red spot coloring on their eye masks. Ahhh! These are just too cute

 

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Game of Thrones Joffrey Baratheon 5″ Crown – Dark Horse – Booth 1636 – $60

When Dave from the Tuesday Night Comics podcast heard of this exclusive, he noted “$60 is well worth an excuse to bring out your inner spoiled entitled monarch.” You might want to avoid drinking wine while you wear this though. Limited to 400 total, limit of 2 crowns per purchase per day. $60 works out to how many gold dragons?

 

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M.O.T.U.S.C.L.E Figure Packs – Super7 – $6

Like Hallmark’s exclusive ornaments, these were also available at SDCC in July. There are four packs of these figures, combining two of my favorite toys from the 1980s: Masters of the Universe and M.U.S.C.L.E! Each comes with three heroes or three villains and there are four different packs. I’ll be buying all four. They had me at Ram Man.

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Harley Quinn Batman: The Animated Series Black and White Bust – Diamond Select – Booth 1644 – $60

Limited to 1,700 pieces. This is a fantastic looking bust of Harley Quinn, in all her Bruce Timm designed glory!

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Game of Thrones – S5E10 – Mother’s Mercy – Recap

The episodes opens with Vijayjay. She’s happy, the ice in the camp is melting. If an icicle melting doesn’t scream, “This was totally worth killing that child for,” I don’t know what does. Now that the storm is receding, Stannis can march on Winterfell. Vijayjay wants to kiss him, but he’s not interested. There’s something about murdering your only daughter that just takes the sex out of a relationship. Oh man, half of Stannis’s men deserted last night. Stannis was a hard man before, but he seems even harder now, like he’s made of stone. When one of his soldier arrives with news, Stannis commands him to “Speak up. It can’t be worse than mutiny.” Mrs. Stannis hung herself. Stannis’s reaction: “On to Winterfell.” Hard, I tell you.

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Jon is telling Sam about the army of the undead. “How many Valyrian Steel swords are left in the seven kingdoms?” Sam asks. “Not enough.” Jon responds. Sam wants to be sent with Gilly and the baby to the Citadel in Old Town to become a maester. But really, I get the feeling he wants to save the baby. But he makes a good case for sending him: he can learn things that will help in their fight against the White Walkers. Jon doesn’t want him to go, but allows it. When Sam tells him about Gilly riding the Sam train, Jon is perplexed and asks him, “You’ve just been beaten half to death. How did you?” Same gets the best line of the episode with “Very carefully.”

Sam, Gilly and the baby depart. Jon’s number of friends in Castle Black keep dwindling.

Stannis’s army marches. Winterfell is before them.

The Boltons are getting ready for Stannis. Sansa uses the corkscrew from a couple of episodes back to escape her room. Why she drops the corkscrew in the doorway, I’ll never know.  She brings a candle to the Old Tower, but lights it 10 second after Brienne stops looking for it. Classic Stark luck.

Pod is bringing back a dead fox and some wood. He spots Stannis’s army and rushes to Brienne to tell her.

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Stannis wants to lay siege, but the Boltons aren’t having any of that. They ride out to him. Stannis draws his sword. The Bolton riders flank his men on both sides. It’s a bloody battle, but Stannis is standing at the end of it. Two of Bolton’s men slice his legs, but he slices their throats. Brienne approaches Stannis as he’s lying against a tree, unable to stand. She accuses him of murdering Renley with blood magic. Stannis admits to it. Brienne executes Stannis.

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Ramsey survived the battle. He’s enjoying himself, picking off the few men left of Stannis’s army. The battlefield is littered with bodies on both sides.

Sansa tries sneaking back to her chambers, but is ambushed on the way by Ramsey’s girlfriend Myranda and Reek. Myranda is about to get all Katniss Everdeen up on Sansa with her bow and arrow, but Reek saves Sansa and throws Myranda to her death. Reek and Sansa run. When they see Ramsey returning, they make their escape Thelma and Louise-style off one of the high walls of Winterfell into the snow banks below.

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Meryn Trant has three young girls in his room. He’s beating them bloody. This guy is sick. Two of the girls scream. The third, a girl whose hair is covering her face, doesn’t scream. Hello, Arya. She brushes her hair back…no, not Arya. Or is it? Her faces changes. It is Arya! She stabs Meryn Trant in the eyes and the chest. “You were the first person on my list, you know?” she tells him. Arya is to the paining this guy! She tells him he’s no one and slits his throat. Arya is officially a BAMF.

At the house of black and white, Arya puts the mask she used back in its place. Jaqen confronts her. He’s pissed. “Only death can pay for life.” he says, and whips out a vial of poison. Both Arya and I are worried he’s going to pour the poison down Arya’s throat. But he doesn’t! Jaqen poisons himself and drops dead! That was fucked up.

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Wait, the girl is Jaqen too! Wait a second, how did she/he change her/his height? And are either of these the Jaqen from past seasons? Arya keeps ripping masks off Jaqen’s dead face. It’s like a Scooby Doo episode! Eventually Arya gets to own face, and then she goes blind. She can’t see and her eyes are all white. WTF!

Viper Mom kisses Myrcella on the lips as Myrcella, Jaime, Trystane and Bronn leave. My first thought is, “Did Viper Mom poison Myrcella with that kiss?” Dagger tells Bronn, “You want a good girl, but you need a bad pussy.” She knows Bronn so well.

On the boat, Jamie gives Myrcella a “We don’t choose whom we love” speech. He’s trying to tell her he’s her dad, but she already knows, and she’s cool with it. She says she’s glad Jamie is her father. Clearly, this shocks Jamie. Awwww. Wait, ew ew ew ew, he’s still her uncle-father. Damn inbred Lannisters making be care about their incestuous romance. Myrcella nose starts bleeding and she dies in Jamie’s arms. Fucking Viper Mom.

Back at the dock, Viper Mom and the Vipers are watching the boat sail away. Viper Mom’s nose is bleeding too. She wipes the blood from her nose and the poison off her lips. Then she drinks the antidote, the crazy viper girls following behind her.

Tyrion, Daario and Jorah are chilling in the throne room. Glad they lived. Grey Worm and Missandei join them. They talk of forming a party to go find Dany. Daario points out why Tyrion wouldn’t be an asset to a search party, saying “Mainly you talk.” Tyrion counters, “And drink.” Daario wants to leave Tyrion, Greyworm and Missandei to run Mereen. That leaves Daario and Jorah to find Dany. The boyfriend and friend zone hunting for Dany! Oh boy.

Tyrion watches Friend Zone and Daario leave. Varys comes out of nowhere and joins him on the balcony. Varys gives Tyrion a nice a pep talk that makes Tyrion almost happy to see him.

Dany and Drogon are on a mountaintop. Drogon is healing. He’s surrounded by the burnt skeletons of all the animals she’s eaten recently. Dany mounts Drogan, but he literally flips her off. She wants to go home, but he want to nap.

Some Dothraki ride up on Dany. By some, I mean a whole herd. They encircle her. She’s as confused by their appearance as I am. She drops her ring on the ground. Is this in case someone comes looking for her? Or did she not want the Dothraki to see that ring?

Cersei is in her cell. Her favorite nun visits and tells her to confess. Cersei confesses to the High Sparrow. She confesses to sleeping with Lancel, but not Jaime. She wants to return to her son, the king. The High Sparrow  tells her,  “After your atonement.” Cersei is stripped and washed by the nuns. They chop her hair off, giving her a stylish pixie cut. It’s like Cersei by way of Annie Lennox. They’re not precise with the razor and she’s bleeding from a few spots.

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The High Sparrow makes her walk naked back to the castle through the crowds of people. A nun follows her ringing a bell and shouting “Shame!”. I think the High Sparrow checks out her ass as she walks away. That High Sparrow is so cheeky! Wow, this is a lot of naked Lena Headley this episode. Was she even this naked in the pilot? This is like season 1 Dany nakedness. The crowd catcalls Cersei, calling her a whore and a bitch and a cunt. She just keeps walking. They pelt her with rotten food. She just keeps walking. I’m pretty sure someone slapped feces on her shoulder. She’s spat on and hit with buckets of muck, but keeps walking. I will say this for the Faithful Militant, they beat back anyone who tries to actually touch her. She’s knocked to the ground, but gets back up and eventually reaches the safety of the castle. She’s crying, and her feet are bloody. Between that, and her new haircut, I feel like Annie Lennox’s Walking on Broken Glass should have been playing during this scene.

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I also feel like this is going to give us Cersei 2.0. The High Sparrow and Viper Mom better watch their backs in season 6.

When Cersei enters the castle, she’s gawked at by the advisers she used to lord over. The only one who doesn’t gawk is Dr Frankenstein, who presents her with the newest member of the Kings Guard. I’ts Mountain, reborn as the WWE’s Undertaker.

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Vijayjay returns to Castle Black alone, looking lost. Jon wants to know about Stannis, and Davos wants to know about Shireen. She meets them both with silence.

Later, Jon is reading his mail. I don’t think he’s getting the men he needs. Ollie, that punk kid who killed Ygritte last season, comes in with news. He tells Jon that wildling says Jon’s Uncle Benjen is still alive and the wildling knows where to find him. Jon is excited! I’m excited! You might be confused. Who is Uncle Benjen, you ask? He’s Ned’s brother and was First Ranger of the Night’s Watch in season 1. He disappeared when out ranging, only his horse returned. He’s been missing (and presumed dead) ever since. Jon is excited. He runs to where a group of Night’s Watch brothers have the wildling surrounded. But it was a ploy. There’s no wildling there, just a cross on it that says “TRAITOR.”  Thorne stabs Jon, and says “For the Watch” as he does so. So do a bunch of other brothers. They all repeat “For the watch” as they stab him. Ollie is the last to stab him Jon. He almost hesitates. Fucking Ollie. First Ygritte and now Jon? I hate this kid.

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They killed Jon Snow! No!!!!! WHATTT?!? Why make us care about his parentage if you’re just going to do him like that?!?

Game of Thrones

Jon Snow bleeds out in the snow. I sit on my couch stunned for the next five minutes, trying to come up with ways that Jon isn’t dead. My first and best idea is that Smoky Vijayjay find Jon and saves him with some of her blood and fire magic early next season. Red magic saved that Robin Hood dude that couldn’t kept coming back from dead a few seasons ago. Come on, Smoky Vijayjay! Redeem yourself and save Jon Snow!

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Game of Thrones – S5E9 – The Dance of Dragons – Recap

The episode opens on Stannis’s camp. Smoky Vijayjay is spooked. Fires are breaking out everywhere. Is this some kind of vision? No, no, this is real. Ramsey apparently came with his 20 good men.  Davos wants to retreat. Between Ramsey’s sneak attack and the hard winter storm, they can’t press forward and soon will be snowed in and unable to retreat too.  Stannis says no. He commands to “Have the dead horses butchered for meat.” That sounds like the story of Stannis’s army, am I right?

Jon and company return to the Wall. Thorne opens the gates. You can just tell that Thorne wants to kill every one of the wildlings and Jon too.

Stannis is sending Davos to the Wall to command Jon to give him more troops. Davos wants to take Stannis’s family with him, especially Stannis’s daughter, but Stannis says “My family stays with me.” I wonder if deep down Davos knows what Stannis has planned for his own daughter, Shireen.  Davos visits Shireen before she leaves. She’s reading The Dance of Dragons. No spoilers, Shireen! I’m not up to that book yet!

Jaime is brought before the Dornish prince. Myrcella, Trystane and Slutty Princess Leia are all there. I really need a new nickname for Slutty Princess Leia. She hasn’t worn anything remotely resembling Leia’s outfit from Jabba’s throne room all season. That said, if my life depended on knowing what her actual name is, I’d be as dead as the Red Viper. Jaime tells them about the threatening message they received in King’s Landing regarding his daughter-niece. The prince doesn’t want war. He proposes a toast to Tomlin. Leia dumps her wine. Jaime wants Bronn freed, but the prince leaves it up to Prince Trystane to decide Bronn’s fate, since Bronn assaulted Trystane. The younger prince will set Bronn free on one conidtion…

The viper girls are in their cell. Two of them, Dagger and another one, Whip maybe, are playing the slap game. Dagger is losing…or is she? She eventually gets the better of her half-sister, and when it’s her turn, Dagger doesn’t bother going for her half-sister’s hands and slaps her in the face instead. The guard comes in and frees Bronn. Ah, it turned out Trystane’s one condition is that huge black guard knocks Bronn’s teeth in. Definitely better than dying.

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Arya is selling oysters, clams and cuckolds down at the canal. She passes by the Slim Man, and ignores his call for some oysters when she spots Lord Tyrell and his gold cloak guardman. They have her full attention. She follows them. Arya spends the day eating shellfish and casing the Iron Bank. Mace Tyrell breaks out into a weird song; I’m not sure what that’s about. After sundown, she follows the gold cloak and two knights to a whore house. She is reprimanded to “Sell your fish somewhere else.” Heh, that line being said in a whorehouse makes me giggle. But there’s demand for the oysters in the whorehouse, and she’s allowed to stay.  The gold cloak, who you may remember as Meryn Trant, the jerk who killed Arya’s sword teacher in s season one, likes young girls, like really young girls. He keeps calling the girls presented to him too old. When he’s finally given a girl of 10 or 12, he says wants her for more than the hour and wants a new one tomorrow. Gross. Gross. Gross.

Arya returns to the House of Black and White. She lies to Jaqen, saying that the Thin Man didn’t want oysters today. I think she was supposed to poison the Thin Man with her oysters, because Jaqen mentions that another man is dead today instead of the Thin Man.

The Dornish prince wants Viper Mom (formerly Slutty Princess Leia) to swear allegiance or die. She bows and swears allegiance to him. The viper girls aren’t happy for her humiliation. I don’t see how the prince thinks she’s even 1% actually contrite.

Jaime is writing a letter when Viper Mom comes to pay him a visit. She talks of love, and even approves of Jaime and Cersei’s love. Do not trust this lady, Jaime!

Stannis visits his daughter. She tells him about the dance of dragons. It’s a story that heavily resembles the current strife between the kings. Stannis sounds weak here, like he’s resigned to sacrificing his daughter. She says she’ll do anything she can to help. Don’t say that Shireen! Stannis mutters, “Forgive me.” Remember like, what, four or five episodes ago, when Stannis said he’d never let anyone harm his daughter? Yeah, well, about that…

Stannis’s daughter is marched to a stake. Smoky Vijayjay commands for Shireen to be tied to the stake. Stannis isn’t there to watch, and then he suddenly is. Both parents are there. Amazingly, Mrs. Stannis is the one who breaks, trying to free their daughter as the fire ignites around her. Huh, I wouldn’t have guessed that, with Mrs. Stannis being the originally thought sacrificing her own daughter was a good idea. Stannis stops Mrs. Stannis from intervening. Princess Shireen burns. Stannis looks like a shell of himself. This was supposed to empower him, but he just looks broken now.

Fathers Day in Westeros

Over in Mereen, everyone is at the fighting pits. The colosseum is full. Let’s get ready to rumbllllllllle. Tyrion has finally cleaned up, but is still sporting that beard. The first match features the strong vs. the quick. Last season taught me to pick the strong in this kind of fight (Red Viper RIP). Daario talks about how the quick will triumph. Down in the the quick quickly dies. Dany isn’t a fan of the fighting pits. When Dany’s fiance defends the fighting pits, Tyrion counters with “It’s easy to confuse what is and what ought to be especially when what is works in your favor.” and also tells him “My father would have liked you.” I can’t think of a bigger insult coming from Tyrion than a comparison to Tywin.

Friend Zone is in the next bout. It’s six way battle royale. Oh Jorah… Friend Zone is almost immediately stabbed in the throat. He bounces back, but is overpowered. Friend Zone manages kills the guy. Don’t relax, Jorah! You still have four other guys to fight. Friend Zone squares off against another fighter. The guy is way too quick for Jorah, cutting him three times. Eventually, it’s down to Friend Zone and one other fighter. Unfortunately, Jorah is disarmed. He looks to Dany. Is he looking for mercy? Tyrion tells her to end the fight. Dany’s future husband says she can’.  Tyrion says she can. Amazingly, Friend Zone manages to avoid being killed, and despite his opponent being much more armored than him, he manages to stab the guy in the belly. Friend Zone stands before the queen. Come on, Jorah, say “Are you not entertained?” You know you want to. The people are all booing him. I think a lot of people lost a lot of money betting against Friend Zone. As he’s being booed, Friend Zone hurls a spear at Dany’s platform. But the spear wasn’t meant for her, or her fiance, or even Daario, but for a Son of the The Harpy that was sneaking up behind Dany. Harpies are everywhere. They’re butchering people. The Unsullied fight back and guard Dany. The Harpies kill Dany’s future husband. I did not see that one coming. I thought he was their boss. Tyrion saves Dany’s Missandei.

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There are so many Harpies. It’s like the arena battle on Geonosis in Attack of the Clones. I will never forgive this episode of Game of Thrones for making me think of Attack of the Clones. Dany is surrounded. We need some dragons and we need them now. The Unsullied, Daario and Friend Zone are good at holding the Harpies back. Dany closes her eyes like she’s fine with dying and will do so on her feet. Just then, a dragon screeches! A dragon flies overhead. Drogon?

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Dragon! Drogon flies down to protect Dany. The Harpies flee or burn. Some do both. The Harpies are men and women. For some reason, I thought they were all men. Maybe it’s because they’re called Sons of the Harpy. Time for a name change…if any of them survive Drogon. Crap, despite being huge, Drogon is still not a fully grown dragon. Spears piece him. He’s getting weaker. Dany walks to him, pulling spears from his hide. He yells at her. The Harpies attack him again. Dany mounts Drogon. She commands him forward and he flies away with her. Um, Dany, don’t forget your people down below…

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Game of Thrones – S5E8 – Hardhome – Recap

The episode starts with Tyrion and Friend Zone standing before Dany. When Tyrion hears that she’s not a fan of Lannisters, he quickly points out that “I am the greatest Lannister killer of all time,” seeing as he killed his mother in childbirth and killed his father on the shitter. Tyrion clearly impresses Dany, who decides to keep him on as an advisor. His first job is to advise her on what to do with Friend Zone. While Jorah might not be happy with Tyrion’s decision that Dany should banish him, he did successfully keep Dany from killing her former Friend Zone. The grey scale is spreading on Friend Zone’s arm. I don’t think he’s long for this world. Hmmm, now that he’s been banished twice by Dany, Jorah may no longer qualify in his nickname of Friend Zone. Should I start calling him The Knight Formerly Known as Friend Zone?

Cersei is alone in her cell. Wow, it didn’t take long for Cersei to look like shit. A Westerosi version of a nun brings Cersei some gruel. The nun wants her to confess. Cersei tells the nun that her face will be the last things that the nun sees before she dies. Remember kids, a Lannister always pays her debts.

Arya is now Anna, an orphan. She’s telling Jaqen a story about buying and selling oysters. It’s an elaborate story, full of details. Arya becomes that oyster seller in real life. But more importantly, she becomes a spy down by the canal. She’s set to spy on The Thin Man, a crooked insurance broker who doesn’t pay out to families of dead sea captains. The Thin Man likes oysters. I think the Thin Man is going to die…

A guy who I think is a septon comes to visit Cersei. The septon tells her there’s a way out, but Cersei knows what it is, and she won’t confess. He tells her that Uncle Kevan is returning to King’s Landing to serve as Tomlin’s hand. Remember when Cersei was forcing enemies out of King’s Landing and consolidating power? You know, a whole two episodes ago? Oh, how the mighty have fallen.

Sansa wants to know why Theon betrayed her. He reminds her that there is no Theon, only Reek. Sansa hates him for killing her brothers, but he ends up admitting that he didn’t kill Bran and Rickon, but rather two farm boys. He also says that he told Ramsey about the candle because he knows first hand how well Ramsey takes escape attempts. Reek says that Ramsey caught Theon escaping “and cut away piece after piece until there was no Theon left.” So wait a minute, Theon is Reek’s dick? I guess that makes sense, since Theon always did think with his dick. Hey, remember that time he unknowingly fingered his sister? Classic Theon…

Ramsey wants to take the fight to Stannis. Roose says they can’t afford the men. Ramsey tells Roose he doesn’t need an army. He only needs 20 good men.

Okay, I know everyone is treating the end of this episode as the “Oh shit!” moment of the season, but can we talk about this scene right here, where Dany and Tyrion become a team? I feel like this scene is getting seriously overlooked because of the final scene of this episode. Dany and Tyrion, I like this team. At first glance, it looks like Tyrion is auditioning for Dany, but really it’s a two way street. Tyrion says to her that he needs “To see if you’re the right kind of terrible.” At the end of their conversation, they’re both impressed with the other. Dany wants him to stay on as advisor, and he wants that too. His first suggestion is that she gives up her quest for the iron throne. This prompts Dany to give her “I’m not going to stop the wheel. I’m going to break the wheel” speech from the season 5 trailer.

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Jorah, like a true Friend Zone, can’t take a hint. He wants in on the fighting pits. He wants to fight in the Great Pit before Dany. He even goes so far to sell himself back into slavery just for a chance to fight in front of Dany. Friend Zone has it baaaaaaaad for Dany.

That same sister as before tries to get Cersei to confess again. She holds out a ladle of water to help elicit a confession. Cersei refuses to confess. Cersei bribes the sister to let her out, and when that doesn’t work, threatens her. The sister dumps the ladle of water on the ground and leaves. Cersei has enough pride left to wait until the sister leaves before licking the water off the ground.

Up at Castle Black, Gilly is treating Sam’s wounds. That kid shows up, the one whose family was killed by wildlings. He can’t understand why Jon would makes deals with the wildlings. Sam explains hard choices to the kid, and that they need the wildlings on their side, or else they’re all going to be fodder for the army of the undead.

Speaking of wildlings, Jon arrives with Redbeard and some men at the wildling camp. It makes for a great visual: the wildlings are all in white and Jon’s in black. As Jon’s boat approaches the shore, I can’t help but think that Jon is four five seconds from wildlings.

When they reach shore, Jon and Redbeard meet with Skeletor, I mean Lord of Bones. LoB makes a comment about Redbeard sucking Jon’s cock. Redbeard answers this by beating Skeletor senseless with his own staff. Jon tells them, “I’m not asking you to forget your dead. I’ll never forget mine.” God, Jon is awesome. Jon gives a “We live together or die alone” speech straight out of Jack’s playbook on Lost. Redbeard’s name is Tormond. I’ll never remember that. He’ll be Redbeard forever, but I’ll try. Tormond gets the best line of the episode when he calls Jon prettier than his daughters. Not all the wildlings join up. The Then refuses. This new lady wildling, who is immediately my favorite new character on the show, says “I fucking hate Thens.” You and everyone else, lady.

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5000 or so wildlings join Jon. Jon isn’t happy. He wanted more. He says, “We’re leaving too many behind.” He 100% realizes he’ll be fighting the corpses of these wildlings in the future. My new favorite wildling lady loads her daughters on the boats and says she’ll be right back after she loads the old folks. Uh-oh. No one is ever right back when they say that.

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A giant is playing with dragon glass. He’s like Hagrid with a potty mouth.

The dogs start barking. Ruh-roh. Jon knows something is up. It sounds like thunder approaching. Everyone knows what’s up; they just don’t want to admit it. Chaos breaks as the wildlings rush behind the gates. Orders are given to close the gate. How are gates going to stop this? A bunch of wildlings are stuck outside the gates in the storm. The storm keeps coming. The wildling outside are banging on the gate, and then they’re suddenly not. Double ruh-roh. The Then looks through the gate. He’s rewarded with a zombie almost poking out his eyes. These zombies are viscious. They punch through wood!That’s right, Game of Thrones zombies can punch through wood. These zombies make The Walking Dead zombies seem like puppies. Everyone runs for the boats. Jon tries to maintain order. The zombies overtake the building with the giant and Jon’s buddy. They scale fences and dig under them too. Or just punch through it. Freefolk are swimming  in the freezing water to escape. Jon wants to save as many people as possible. Awesome New Lady Wildling (did they ever say her name?) wants Jon to go. Redbeard and Jon attack the zombies, giving the wildlings a chance to escape. Redbeard and Jon make a good team. I’d watch that Game of Thrones spin off. It would be like The Odd Couple, one’s in the Nights Watch, the other is a wildling. The White Walkers are just watching from the hill. Oh man, this fight hasn’t even really started. Jon realizes they can’t lose the the dragon glass! He fights his way back to the building. Potty Mouth Hagrid bursts through, ripping through the zombies. He’s like the Hulk of the group. Jon Snow is Captain America and everyone else is Hawkeye. A White Walker walks into the building. The Then fights the walker while Jon hunts the glass. Fights is an overstatement. It’s more like the Then dies immediately. The Walker throws Jon across the room. Don’t fight, Jon! Run! Jon manages to flee and grab Bearclaw Longclaw (whose name I keep confusing with the name of Josh Gadd’s character on The New Girl. He uses it to parry the Walker’s blow and it doesn’t shatter! Holy shit! Jon kills the walker with a swipe of Bearclaw Longclaw. Okay, so unless Longclaw has a coating of dragon glass on it, it looks like Valyrian steel is another way to kill White Walkers. The only problem being are there even a dozen Valyrian steel weapons left in Westeros? Hold onto Longclaw, Jon!

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A young White Walker watches from the mountain top. For a second I thought this was Joffrey back as a White Walker. That would be classic Joffrey, dying just to come back as something worse.

Down below a group of zombie kids charge my new favorite wildling. She can’t process fighting them. She doesn’t flee; she just lets them overtake her and then dies. Thanks, Game of Thrones writers. Jerks.

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A herd of zombies cascade over the side of the mountain. It’s like watching a zombie version of the old computer game Lemmings. They all lie at the bottom for a moment and then pop up to attack. Everyone retreats to the sea. Jon and the guys are rowing to the boat, though it really looks like they’re just lackadaisically floating to the boat. I’d be rowing like a madman at this point. Who am I kidding? At this point, I’d already be zombie fodder. Hulk walks to the boat, tossing zombies to and fro, picking them off himself like fleas. He actually passes by Jon’s boat. Thanks for the assist, Hulk. You could have just pulled the boat. Jerk. Giant jerk. Jon sees all the men fighting on the shore…well, more like dying on the shore and he feels like a failure. The White Walker that I thought was Joffrey (he’s not!), but seems to be the Head White Walker in Charge (HWWIC) strolls to the dock and stares down Jon Snow. He raises his hands and….everyone who died rises as a zombie. Ohhhhh fuck. Hey Jon, why are you still just watching this? Row, man! Row!

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What was the bigger deal to you this episode? The White Walker attack or the newly formed tag team of Dany and Tyrion?

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Game of Thrones – S5E7 – The Gift – Recap

Hey there, and welcome to another recap of Game of Thrones! A few ground rules: 1) I have read the books only up to what would be the end of season 4 of the TV show, so please don’t comment with anything that happened in the books but has yet to happen in the show. 2) There are spoilers for Season 5, episode 7 and before in this recap. If you haven’t watched The Gift yet, come back when you have. 3) I like to give characters nicknames. And away we go…

Is it me or are we opening on Castle Black a lot these days? Yes, I could go back and easily check my recaps to see if that’s true, but instead I’m just going to go with it and accept it as fact. Redbeard and Jon are in the courtyard. Jon releases Redbeard from his chains, so that Jon can accompany him north of the wall to recruit the remaining wildlings. Everyone, including the wildlings, thinks this is a bad idea. Sam might be the only one is Jon’s corner here. He gives Jon a pouch of dragon glass, and hopes Jon doesn’t need it. Jon leaves Thorne in charge. I’m sure this is going to end well.

Later, Maester Aemon is being tended to by Gilly, Sam and baby Sam. Okay, baby Sam isn’t so much as tending to him, but he’s there. Maester Aemon doesn’t seem long for the world. He’s no longer sharp, and it appears like senility is setting in. When baby Sam laughs, Aemon smiles and says, “Egg laughed like that.” Oh, wait, no not egg, “Aeg.” He means Aegon, his younger brother, aka the Mad King. Aemon warns Sam and Gilly to take the baby south before it’s too late. Listen to Aemon, kids. Winter is coming.

In Winterfell, Reek brings Sansa a meal. At first, it looked like she was still in her wedding dress and I thought this was the morning after her wedding night. But no, it’s a white dressing gown. Sansa asks Theon for help. “He already hurts me every night.” By hurts, I’m assuming she means, violently has sex with. She tells Theon about the candle, and the woman who promised to help her. She gives Theon a candle and asks him to take it to the Broken Tower and light it.

Theon, of course, takes it right to Ramsey. Fucking Reek… But really, what did you expect? This is Game of Thrones, and if there is one constant on this show, it’s that characters will consistently get fucked over.

Brienne is outside Winterfell, biding her time. It doesn’t look like Theon/Reek will be saving Sansa. Will it be Brienne who guts Ramsey? I really would like to see Sansa stab him herself.

Up at Castle Black, Maester Aemon passes away. His last words are “Aeg, I dreamed I was old.” The Nights Watch has a funeral for him, led by Sam. Thorne whispers in Sam’s ear, “You’re losing all your friends, Tarly.” I believe the point of this line was to remind you in case you forgot that Thorne is the worst.

Sansa is with Ramsey. Sansa grabs a corkscrew without him noticing. Yes, stab him. Stab him. She doesn’t. But that corkscrew has to be used later, right? Isn’t there an old writing adage that says “A corkscrew picked up in episode seven must be used to gouge out Ramsey’s eyes by episode ten?” I’m sure I heard that somewhere. Sansa finds out Jon is the Lord Commander of the Night’s Watch. Wow, Sansa really is out of the loop when it comes to her family, right? She thinks she and Jon are the only ones alive, even though Arya, Bran and Rickon are out somewhere out there (cue the theme song to An American Tail). Ramsey has Sansa’s candle and shows Sansa the body of the old woman who wanted to help her. She’s been flayed. “You should hold onto your candles. The nights are so long now.” This guy, constantly creepier, I swear.

Davos gives Stannis an update. The men are all freezing. It’s snowing too hard to march. Stannis doesn’t want to hear it. He says, “We go forward, only forward.” Stannis’s power song is “No Retreat, No Surrender” by Bruce Springsteen. Smoky Vajayjay once again wants to sacrifice Stannis’s daughter to help him smite his enemies. Stannis won’t hear it.

Two guys of the Watch are harassing Gilly. Remember kids, most of the men up there are there to avoid prison sentences. They’re not all Sam and Jon. They’re mostly thieves, murderers and rapists. Sam comes to Gilly’s defense. The two guys then promptly proceed to kick Sam’s ass. Still, Sam rises and stands up to them. Ghost comes to his aid. That scares off the two dudes. Sam passes out. Gilly nurses Sam. Part of “healing” him involves mounting him. You go, Samwell!

Tyrion and Friend Zone are on the auction block. Some guy buys Friend Zone for 20 gold. Tyrion pleads that the guy buys him as well. “We’re a team!” he says. Everyone laughs. To prove his point, Tyrion sucker punches the slaver holding his chain. A couple of more coins gets the buyer Tyrion too. Was that even two gold? It might have been two copper for all we know. The slaver was happy with the price though.

Dany and Daario are in bed. Geez Dany, didn’t you just get engaged to someone else? Daario wants her to marry him instead of the master who wanted the fighting pits reopened. He advises her to gather all the masters and then slaughter all the masters. When Dany says that she’s not a butcher, Daario gets the best line of the episode with, “All rulers are either butchers or meat.”

Grandma meets with the High Sparrow. I love Grandma; she doesn’t take shit from anyone. Still, she can’t get the High Sparrow to free her grandchildren. As she leaves, she’s given a note from Littlefinger’s messenger.

At the castle Tomlin is pissed, and he’s letting Cersei know. He wants his wife, Princess Low Cut, freed! Cersei tells him what he wants to hear.

Over in Dorne, Jaime is talking with his daughter-niece. She doesn’t understand why he’s there. She’s been in Dorne for years, why is it suddenly dangerous, she wants to know. Wow, has she really been here for years? It’s hard to figure out sometimes how much time is passing between episodes and seasons on this shows. Myrcella twists the knife by saying that Jaime doesn’t even know her. Hey! That’s no way to talk to your uncle-dad!

Bronn and the viper girls are chilling in adjacent jail cells. The cutest one, Dagger, starts flirting with him and wants to know if she’s the prettiest woman he’s ever seen. Bronn says that he’s seen a lot of pretty women. Bronn is clearly a fan of “negging.” Dagger shows him a tit. My first thought is Bronn, I don’t think this is gong to end well. And would you look at that, Bronn collapses. Dagger says she zapped him with a slow acting poison when she stabbed him in their fight. Gotta love/be deathly afraid of a woman who times her flirtation to her poison just right. She offers him the antidote, but only if he concedes that she’s the most beautiful woman he’s ever seen. He quickly does. She tells him, “I think you’re very handsome as well.” Bronn lives another day. I won’t lie, I feel like she is just the right amount of crazy for Bronn. Who else wants to see these two get together? Raise your hand.

In King’s Landing, we get an almost shot-for-shot remake of a shot from season one, showing Littlefinger spying through a peephole. Except that this time, there’s no one to spy on. He’s looking in on his ransacked best little whorehouse in Westeros. Shortly thereafter, Grandma and Littlefinger converse. For obvious reasons, neither is a fan of the new High Septon/Sparrow. Grandma doesn’t trust Littlefinger, making her the smartest person on the show. But Littlefinger says he’s in House Tyrell’s corner, and only came to King’s Landing because of a direct order from Cersei. Grandma seems to believe him, which 100% goes against the rule of “Never believe Littlefinger (unless he says he’s going to betray you. Ned Stark RIP).”

game of thrones s5e7 jorah

Finally, the fighting pits! A bunch of fighters are brought out, but Tyrion and Friend Zone are left in the locker room. This is a an early round fight. Whoever wins today moves on and fights before the queen. But look at that, Dany is in the audience. She is not enjoying the savagery of the fights. She wants to leave, but her new husband-to-be advises her to stay out of tradition. When Friend Zone hears that Dany is in the audience, he grabs a sword and joins the melee. Jorah makes short work of everyone and handily wins. Dany is not happy to see him, commanding the guards to “Get him out of my sight.” Friend Zone pleads, “I brought you a gift.” Cue Tyrion emerging from the locker room: “I am the gift. My name is Tyrion Lannister.” And suddenly I can’t wait for the next episode.

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Cersei visits Princess Low Cut, who is not looking good. Princess Low Cut seems to be in the Marie Antoinette cell. That joke was for all the French history buffs who read these recaps. Cersei then visits the High Sparrow. For the past few weeks, I kept wondering when the High Sparrow was going to turn on Cersei. I mean, come on! You put this religious fanatic in a position of power where he doesn’t even have to obey the king, a king is the product of you and your brother, how are you not counting the days until you end up in the cell next to Majorie? She’s in jail for just lying about her brother’s homosexuality, and she’s the current queen. Does Cersei really think the immediate past queen can somehow avoid jail even when the current queen couldn’t? Yes, Cersei is the one who put the High Sparrow in power, but when has he ever seemed like the type of guy who keeps political allies?  You can almost see the exact moment when Cersei realizes she’s fucked. Sadly, it’s a good two minutes after the audience realizes she’s fucked. Cersei really is her own worst enemy. The High Sparrow calls Lancel forward, Lancel who had many stories to tell him about Cersei. The episode ends with Cersei being thrown into a cell.

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Game of Thrones – S5E6 – Unbowed, Unbent, Unbroken – Recap

If you’ve never read one of my recaps before, a few things. I’ve read some of the books, but only up to A Storm of Swords. I don’t want to read past the TV show. I ask that you please respect that, and while I welcome comments, I ask that you please don’t spoil anything that hasn’t happened on the show yet. Also, please forgive my use of nicknames. They started because I couldn’t keep track of all the characters names, and my favorites have stuck.

SPOILERS FOR GAME OF THRONES – SEASON 5, EPISODE 6 – UNBOWED, UNBENT, UNBROKEN FOLLOW. Proceed at your own risk.

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The episode opens on Arya cleaning a dead body in the House of Black and White. Some dudes take the body, and leave the door ajar behind them. Arya can’t help by try to look. That bitchy girl slams the door shut and tells  her to get to work. Arya wants to do more than clean dead bodies and tells the girl she’s ready to be tested again. The girl then gives Arya her back story. She’s the daughter of a Westeros lord as well. The story involves a wicked stepmother who attempted to kill her, and the girl’s own vengeance. Arya is really digging it, and you can see on her face that she’s thinking these two could be BFF. Oh wait, sorry Arya, she was just playing you. This girl is like the Heath Ledger Joker, when he would come up with a new story every time for how he got his smile.

Later, Arya awakens to Jaqen asking her, “Who are you?” She answers, “Arya Stark.” He peppers her with more questions. Any time she lies, he can tell, and slaps her. Things get interesting when she talks about The Hound. She says, “I left the Hound to die. I hated him.” – SLAP. “I hated him” – SLAP. “That’s not a lie!” – SLAP!

Friend Zone and Tyrion win the award for getting to film in the most picturesque locale. The shore they’re on is absolutely stunning. When it’s clear that Jorah has no idea what’s going on in King’s Landing, Tyrion catches Jorah up on things. He unwittingly reveals to Friend Zone that Friend Zone’s dad is dead, and honestly feels bad about being the one to tell him. I like when Tyrion has honest moments like this. The piss and vinegar is fun, but I think Peter Dinklage really shines in scenes like this one.

Back at the House of Black and White, a father who traveled there with his daughter tells Arya his story. The daughter is sick and in much pain, so he brought her here. He just wants his daughter to not suffer anymore. After the bitchy girl’s story, I don’t know who to believe in this house anymore. Arya comforts the sick girl by sympathizing with her and telling the girl a made up story about how she used to be sick too. She tells the girl that her father brought her here also, and that by drinking the water from the fountain, she was cured. The girl drinks from the fountain. Jaqen watches from the shadows.

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Later, when Arya is cleaning the same girl’s dead body, Jaqen joins her. He exits through the same door that’s always been denied her, but this time leaves it open. Arya follows him through the door and down many steps. He leads her to where they take the bodies. It’s a huge, cavernous chamber with gigantic columns. In the columns are faces…or are they heads? It’s hard to tell at first if they’re carved into the columns or if they’re actual decapitated, preserved heads. Closer up, they look like death masks, taken from castings of the dead people’s faces. Jaqen asks Arya, “Is the girl ready, to give up her ears, her nose her tongue?” and then says, “No, a girl is not ready to become no one. But she is ready to become someone else. ” And they look at one of the faces in the column, one that looks like a middle-aged woman.

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Tyrion and Jorah are talking about Dany, which has to be Jorah’s favorite subject ever. Tyrion wants to know what’s Dany’s endgame. He doubts a girl who has never been to King’s Landing is capable of holding power in King’s Landing. He’s not talking about winning the throne, but rather staying on it. The pair encounter a group of slavers and are quickly captured. The slavers are going to send Jorah to the salt mines. Tyrion gets off even less lucky. They plan to slit his throat…and sell his cock. Why? Because “dwarf cocks have magic powers.” Tyrion immediately argues that if they want to sell his cock, they need him alive as proof that it came from a dwarf. When one of the slavers counters with, “It will be a dwarf sized cock,” Tyrion gets the best line of the episode with “GUESS AGAIN!” They decide to let Tyrion live until they find a buyer for his dwarf cock. The slavers are sailing away from the now ironically named Slaver’s Bay, which is in Dany’s now slave-free land.  But Tyrion convinces them to head there anyway to enter Jorah in the fighting pits. The slavers don’t initially believe Friend Zone to be a good fighter, laughing off Tyrion’s claim that Friend Zone is an excellent jouster. They dismiss jousting as a child’s game compared to the viciousness of the pits. But when Friend Zone tells them about the time he killed one of Khal Drogo’s Dothraki Bloodriders, they take him more seriously.

Littlefinger has made his way to King’s Landing. He’s stopped by Lancel and the Faith Militant. They brag about all the vices they’ve been stamping out in King’s Landing. I’m not sure why they don’t take Littlefinger into custody or beat him right there. They’ll rip up his whorehouses and beat up his staff and customers, but they seem to just let him off with a warning here. Did the High Sparrow tell them to spare him because of Cersei?

Littlefinger meets with Cersei. She wants to make sure that the Vale will remain loyal to the king. Littlefinger assures her that the Vale will, and then tells Cersei that his “sources” say Sansa is back in Winterfell. He doesn’t mention that his source is himself, the man who took her there. Littlefinger advises Cersei to let Roose Bolton and Stannis battle over Winterfell and then swoop in to take Winterfell from whomever wins. He conveniently offers to lead the knights of the Vale against the eventual holder of Winterfell, and be named Warden of the North for his loyalty and bravery. Cersei is very cunning, but I feel like she’s outclassed by Littlefinger when it comes to intrigue. He’s like a chess grandmaster, plotting many moves ahead of everyone else. Roose and Cersei both think he’s on their side. He’s perfectly set up for taking out Roose Bolton if the Boltons manage to fend off Stannis, as he has Sansa Stark in his pocket in Winterfell. It seems like Littlefinger’s ideal outcome is Stannis loses to Roose, and Sansa opens Winterfell’s gates for the knights of the Vale when Littlefinger comes calling.

In Dorne, Myrcella is hanging out with that Dornish prince whose name I never caught. He wants to marry her. Why are we even wasting our time on these two? Seriously, these two are the two least interesting part of this Dorne subplot. But they are dressed nice. The main Martell Prince watches from his balcony. He makes some ominous comments to his head guard. He wants to keep them safe and senses trouble coming.

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Speaking of trouble, Jaime and Bronn are on horseback, dressed in the clothes of the Martell soldiers who tried to kill them. I love that they’re in costume. It reminds me of Luke and Han dressed as Stormtroopers in Star Wars, and of the Scarecrow and company dressed as the Wicked Witch of the West’s soldiers in The Wizard of Oz. Bronn is singing a song. Sadly, it’s not “Oh Ee Oh! Ooooooh oh!” Bronn asks Jaime what’s the plan after they grab Myrcella. Jaime tell him, “I like to improvise.” Bronn gets the second best line of the episode with, “That explains the golden hand.” Man, I can’t believe that Best Line Bronn didn’t take home the best line prize this week. You’re slipping, Bronn! They proceed to sneak into the castle all Wizard of Oz-style.

We get the title of this week’s episode from Slutty Princess Leia. She tells the viper girls, “Unbowed, unbent, unbroken.” Wait, is that her new names for them? I prefer my name for the viper girls: Whip, Swords and Spear.

Jaime and Bronn find Myrcella in the courtyard, making out with Tristane Martell. Tristane, that’s his name! I still don’t care about them. When it’s clear that Jaime and Bronn are there for Myrcella, Bronn warns Tristane, “Let’s not do something stupid.” Tristane makes a move, which prompts Bronn to knock him out and say, “That’s something stupid.” I take back what I said earlier. Best Line Bronn is back! Sorry, Tyrion.

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The viper girls show up . Whip whips Jaime’s hand. While Jaime and Bronn are engaged with two of the viper girls, Whip grabs Myrcella and runs off. The Prince’s guard shows up and tells everyone to drop their weapons. Swords and Spear drop their swords and spear. Jaime and Bronn soon surrender too. The guard capture Slutty Princess Leia too.

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Grandma and Princess Low Cut are in Highgarden. Grandma tells Princess Low Cut, “Let me deal with Cersei Lannister.”

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Immediately cut to Grandma in King’s Landing, meeting with Cersei. Grandma wants her grandson, Ser Loras, freed. Cersei keeps up the whole “I didn’t arrest him” thing. Grandma wants to know how the kingdom will survive without Tyrell money. Cersei tells her Loras isn’t on trial, it’s only an inquest. An inquest sounds like grand jury; its purpose is to determine if Loras should stand trial. She then tells Grandma, “As for your veiled threats,” to which Grandma responds, “What veil?” Oooo! Sorry, Bronn. Grandma has the best line this episode. Bronn is now Second-Best Line Bronn.

At the inquest, Loras has never physically looked worse. He’s unclean, unwashed and unshaven. Princess Low Cut, King Tomlin, Cersei and Grandma are all there. The High Sparrow Septon is doing the questioning. Loras denies all the charges. The High Septon calls Queen Marjorie. She’s taken aback that he can even call the queen. He points out that the Faith Militant and the Sept stand apart from the kingdom. Queen Marjorie takes the stand and denies the charges too. The High Septon then calls some blonde dude that Loras clearly recognizes. It’s his old squire. Ruh-roh. The squire says that he and Loras used to get it on and that the Queen even walked in on them. Cersei says they can’t believe the word of squire over a knight and queen. No one believe Cersei is sincere…well, maybe Tomlin does. The High Septon decides to bring charges against Loras and Marjorie. The Faith Militant grab Princess Low Cut and Ser Loras. Tomlin does nothing to defend his wife. What a pussy. Hey Tom, you’ve got all those Kingsguard in armor around you! They could slice right through these branded religious nuts! Pussy.

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From ever indication I’m seeing, I get the feeling that Cersei is quickly losing control of the High Sparrow and his Faith Militant. I wonder how soon it will be before they come for her because of the offspring she sired with her brother. I seriously have to wonder if Cersei doesn’t see that eventually the Faith Militant are going to come for her too. They’re willing to go after the current queen. And if the High Septon thinks homosexuality is bad, I can only wonder how he feels about incest. I’ve said that Cersei is one of the most cunning people on the show, but if she doesn’t see this eventually blowing up in her face, I may have to take that back.

Sansa is visited by Ramsey’s crazy girlfriend Miranda. She says Ramsey sent her to draw Sansa’s bath. Miranda bathes Sansa. During the bath, she advises Sansa not to bore Ramsey. Sansa wouldn’t want to end up like the others, and basically tries to freak Sansa out with stories of Ramsey killing women. Sansa immediately sees through Miranda’s shit and calls her out on it. “I am Sansa Stark of Winterfell. This is my home, and you can’t frighten me.” She dismisses Miranda.

Reek shows up to escort Sansa to the God’s Wood. Reek wants her to take his arm, saying that Ramsey will beat him if she doesn’t. Sansa makes it plain that after what Theon did to her family, she has exactly zero fucks left for whatever Ramsey might do to him. The God’s Wood is decorated with lanterns. In Winterfell, brides wear white wedding dresses that double as thick, winter coats. It makes sense when you consider the weddings take place outside while it’s snowing. When Sansa and Reek show up, everyone is already there. Roose Bolton asks “Who gives her? to which Reek responds, “Theon of House Greyjoy…who was her father’s ward.” That’s the first time in a long time Reek has referred to himself as Theon. He almost seemed to have heard himself there, definitely pausing before saying he was Ned’s ward. It’s as if he remembered his betrayal of the Starks, and actually feels bad about it.

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Ramsey is the creepiest groom ever.

Ramsey takes Sansa to the wedding bedroom. Reek has accompanied them, and stands in the doorway, waiting to be dismissed. Ramsey wants to know why Sansa is still a virgin. Sansa assures him that Tyrion was very nice to her and never forced himself on her. Ramsey tells Sansa, “Take of your clothes.” Reek goes to leave. Ramsey says, “No. You stay here, Reek. You watch.” Double you. Tee. Eff. Sansa really has the worst luck when it comes to men. I can’t decide who is worse, Joffrey, who killed her father, or Ramsey. Reek shuts the door as Sansa begins to undo her clothes. Reek, please stab Ramsey, please stab Ramsey. Ramsey tells Reek again to watch. Reek looks like he is going to cry. Ramsey says, “You’ve known Sansa since she was a girl. Now watch her become a woman.” Ramsey rips the back of Sansa’s dress, and mounts her from behind. Reek watches, tears streaming down his face.

This show is fucked up.

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Game of Thrones – S5E5 – Kill The Boy – Recap

Hi everyone and welcome to my latest recap of Game of Thrones. These recaps do have spoilers for the episode and what has come so far on the TV show, so if you’re not caught up, and don’t want things ruined, please stop reading and come back when you’re good to go. Also, I’ve only read the first three books, which caught me up to the end of season four of the show. I have not read ahead of the show. While I definitely welcome comments, I merely ask that you not spoil things that have yet to happen on the show. I have a hard time with names, so I tend to give characters nicknames. Please forgive me for that. On that note, let’s get underway…

Grey Worm is alive?!? Yes! I’m not going to lie, I thought he and Barry were dead at the end of the last episode. I am psyched that Grey Worm survived. Sadly, Ser Barry did not. While Grey Worm’s girlfriend tends to him, Dany is holding vigil over Ser Barry’s corpse. That dude who wanted the fighting pits reopened visits. Dany is ready to kill. She calls for the leaders of all of Mereen’s great families to be taken into custody. Fighting Pit Guy immediately realizes, “Hey, that’s me!” Once they’re all assembled, she leads them into a catacomb. Careful ye heads of Mereen’s great families, there be dragons here. Dany feeds one of the heads of the great families to her two dragons. She acts like Fighting Pit Guy is next, but when he responds bravely with “Valar Morghulis,” she changes her mind. She lets all the men live one more day. Why did she do this? Did she realize that her intimidation tactics weren’t working yet?

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Up at Castle Black, Sam and Maester Aemon are meeting. Jon walks in and asks Aemon for advice on what to do next. Aemon recommends that Jon “Kill the boy, John Snow…and let the man be born. ” Ah, got it, so that’s where the episode’s title comes from. And here I thought someone was going to take a hit out on Tomlin.

Jon then meets with that Redbeard guy, Mance’s second-in-command. Jon wants Redbeard to head north of the Wall, grab any free folk still up there and bring them south of the Wall. Redbeard wants Jon to go north with him. He says that no one up there will believe that the Crows will let them live south of the Wall unless they hear it from his lips.

Later, at the Night’s Watch meeting, no one but Sam seems to like Jon’s plan. Stannis watches from the back, and says, “Fear.” to Davos. Davos asks, “What?” to be which Stannis replies,  “Nothing.” I feel like Jon is earning Stannis’s respect yet again in this scene. The Night’s Watch brothers want to let the Wildlings die. Jon breaks it down for them as simply as he can when he says, “We can learn to live with the Wildlings or we can add them to the army of the dead.” And don’t forget, here “the army of the dead” isn’t a metaphor. It’s an actual army.

Jon is in his office, when Ollie, the boy who I will never forgive for killing Ygritte enters. Ollie wants to think Jon is tricking the Wildliings. Ollie points out that the Wildlings killed his whole village. Jon doesn’t yell back, “Yeah? Well you killed the only woman I ever loved!” Instead, he responds with,  “I know what it’s like to lose the people you love” and throws in some “Winter is coming” for good measure. Man, how many times can they say “Winter is coming” this episode.

Pod and Brienne are still on the outskirts of Winterfell. Man, Brienne needs a bath. I’ve seen homeless people in the NYC subway cleaner than her. A porter brings in some stuff. Brienne wants him to bring a message back to Sansa Stark.

Ramsey Bolton is chilin’ in bed. He’s got a naked girl in the room with him. Here name is Miranda. Miranda is jealous. She thought she was going to marry Ramsey, and now she’s been demoted to side piece. Ramsey uses that “neg” style made famous by that guy with the furry top hat. He professes his not quite love for Miranda while insulting her. Seriously, Ramsey is such a dick. I can’t wait for Reek to knife him. Or Sansa. Or anyone. Miranda bites him when she kisses him. She draws blood. He’s into it. That look in Miranda’s eyes…I wonder if is she going to be the one to kill him.

Sansa is in her room when an old lady servant enters. The old woman tells her, “You still have friends in the north. If you’re ever in trouble, light a candle in the highest window of the broken tower. You’re not alone.”

Sansa immediately walks to the Broken Tower. You might remember this as Cersei and Jamie’s Winterfell love nest. Or where Jamie pushed Bran out a window. Remember Bran? But I digress…Miranda follows Sansa. Miranda is acting all nice in that “I’m being nice, but I’m really being bitchy” way that some girls act to other girls. Miranda wants to show Sansa something to help her remember her mother. She takes Sansa to the kennel and tells her to walk all the way down. Are we going to see the return of  the missing dire wolf? These dogs are vicious. They bark and jump. In the cell at the end is Reek/Theon. He’s the most well behaved one in the cells. Sansa is shocked to see him curled up in the kennels. He tells her she shouldn’t be there and backs away. Shouldn’t be where? In the kennels? In Winterfell?

Sometime later, Ramsey summons Reek. Ramsey tells him, “You mustn’t keep secrets form me, Reek.” How did he know about Sansa already? Ramsey then says, “Get on your knees.” Ruh-roh. I don’t like where this is going. Oh wait, he follows that up with, “Give me your hand.” Wait, what? Ramsey clasps Reek’s hand and forgives him. This Ramsey guy is so Looney Tunes.

Samsa is having dinner with the Boltons. You might be saying to yourself, “Who is that fat woman next to Roose? Is is Ramsey’s mother?” No, that is Roose’s wife, Walda Frey, daughter of Walder Frey, that old guy who controlled the river pass at the Twins and set up the Starks’ fall at the Red Wedding. For his part in the Red Wedding, Roose was rewarded with any of Walder’s daughters as a bride. Walder would give him a dowry based on the weight of the daughter he picked, so Roose picked the heaviest one he could find.  Ramsey calls out Reek to bring more wine. He’s clearly trying to unnerve Sansa. Ramsey tries to spin in that he punished Theon for invading Winterfell. Sansa sees right through it. I have to say, I like the new Dark Sansa so much better than Sansa from season one. Ramsey has Theon/Reek apologize to Sansa “for killing your brothers.” Ramsey then orders that Reek give away Sansa at the wedding, since Reek is the closest thing to family she has left. This guy is like Joffrey 2.0.

Roose and Walda then announce that Walda is preggers. It’s going to be a boy. Ramsey isn’t happy. Later, Ramsey and Roose talk about this. Ramsey is realizing that his inheritance is quickly falling out from under him. But then Roose tells Ramsey the story of Ramsey’s mom. He continues to acknowledge Ramsey as his son. Now that that’s out of the way, they deide to talk war.They’re going to war with Stannis. But Roose’s announcement about Walda’s pregnancy seemed to be 100% aimed at getting Ramsey to simmer down. And it worked.

Sam is studying in the library. Gilly asks him if all the books in the world are here. As, Sam is explaining that there are libraries bigger than this one, Stannis walks in. He knows who Sam is, his family, his father. Sam’s dad is the only one to ever beat Robert in battle. Stannis wants to know how Sam killed a white walker. Like everyone else, he notes that Sam is no warrior. Sam explains how he killed the walker with Dragon Glass, which is just a fancy name for obsidian. He’s been searching for any reference to it in the books in the library. Stannis agrees and tells him, “Keep reading,  Samwell Tarley.”

Stannis tells Davos, “It’s time.” Davos wants to wait for Jon to return, but Stannis says there isn’t time. They need to strike at Winterfell now.

Jon is back! Oh wait, he hastn’t left yet. Stannis marches south.

Grey Worm is still in bed. He awakes from his coma! Yay! He’s been out for 3 days. He’s upset at himself that Barry and his fellow Unsullied are dead. He blames himself. He’s ashamed that he was afraid when he fell to the grounds that he’d never see Missandei again. She gets in his bed and kisses him. Well played, Grey Worm. You get yours.

Later, Missandei is with Dany. She gives Dany some advice, basically saying to trust yourself. Barry wanted mercy. Daario wants to kill all the masters. Dany meets with the Fighting Pit Guy, who is still in chains in a dungeon. She tells him, “I came here to tell you I was wrong and you were right about tradition. About bringing the people of this city together. I will reopen the fighting pits.” She also tells him that the two of them are going to marry. This guy must be high-fiving himself. He thought he was going to die two minutes ago and now he’s marryng Dany! Luckiest man in Mereen!

Friend Zone and Tyrion are still navigating on their boat. Well, Friend Zone is navigating. Tyrion is tied up. Tyrion has some serious rope burns on his wrists and a welt on his head. Jorah couldn’t care less. Tyrion gets the best line in the episode, with “Long sullen silences and the occasional punch in the face. The Mormont way.” Tyrion then immediately apologizes. They travel through Valyria, which is burnt out. They trade-off on reciting a poem about Valyria. One line that stood out was, “The doom consumed them all alike and neither of them turned.” By turned, do they mean turned to members of the undead army? Fire kills the undead in the Game of Thrones world. Are they dragons the key to the White Walkers defeat? Besides breathing fire, I’m guessing they can also produce Dragon Glass with their hot breath. Drogon flies overhead. Tyrion is stunned speachless, which is no easy feat.

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After Drogon flies off, “stone men” jump on the boat. They’re afflicted with the same thing as Stannis’s daughter, but it coves their whole bodies and seems to have taken their minds. “Don’t let them touch you!” Jorah yells. The stone men are ravenous. They’re like fast zombies. Tyrion jumps overboard, but is still bound. He’s dragged under by a stone man.

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Tyrion opens his eyes on the shore. Friend Zone somehow saved him! They ask if each other was touched, but don’t think they were. This is where people with grey stone are sent, the place last episode where Stannis said his aides wanted to send his daughter. Tyrion has the second best line of the episode when he tells Jorah, “Thank you for saving me. Of course, I wouldn’t have needed saving if you didn’t kidnap me in the first place.” They don’t have a boat. They’re walking. Friend Zone can see they city that’s their ultimate goal. He’s happy. Wait a second…Uh oh, he’s got the gray scale! This dude can’t catch a break…