Game of Thrones – S5E9 – The Dance of Dragons – Recap

The episode opens on Stannis’s camp. Smoky Vijayjay is spooked. Fires are breaking out everywhere. Is this some kind of vision? No, no, this is real. Ramsey apparently came with his 20 good men.  Davos wants to retreat. Between Ramsey’s sneak attack and the hard winter storm, they can’t press forward and soon will be snowed in and unable to retreat too.  Stannis says no. He commands to “Have the dead horses butchered for meat.” That sounds like the story of Stannis’s army, am I right?

Jon and company return to the Wall. Thorne opens the gates. You can just tell that Thorne wants to kill every one of the wildlings and Jon too.

Stannis is sending Davos to the Wall to command Jon to give him more troops. Davos wants to take Stannis’s family with him, especially Stannis’s daughter, but Stannis says “My family stays with me.” I wonder if deep down Davos knows what Stannis has planned for his own daughter, Shireen.  Davos visits Shireen before she leaves. She’s reading The Dance of Dragons. No spoilers, Shireen! I’m not up to that book yet!

Jaime is brought before the Dornish prince. Myrcella, Trystane and Slutty Princess Leia are all there. I really need a new nickname for Slutty Princess Leia. She hasn’t worn anything remotely resembling Leia’s outfit from Jabba’s throne room all season. That said, if my life depended on knowing what her actual name is, I’d be as dead as the Red Viper. Jaime tells them about the threatening message they received in King’s Landing regarding his daughter-niece. The prince doesn’t want war. He proposes a toast to Tomlin. Leia dumps her wine. Jaime wants Bronn freed, but the prince leaves it up to Prince Trystane to decide Bronn’s fate, since Bronn assaulted Trystane. The younger prince will set Bronn free on one conidtion…

The viper girls are in their cell. Two of them, Dagger and another one, Whip maybe, are playing the slap game. Dagger is losing…or is she? She eventually gets the better of her half-sister, and when it’s her turn, Dagger doesn’t bother going for her half-sister’s hands and slaps her in the face instead. The guard comes in and frees Bronn. Ah, it turned out Trystane’s one condition is that huge black guard knocks Bronn’s teeth in. Definitely better than dying.

oysters clams cuckolds

Arya is selling oysters, clams and cuckolds down at the canal. She passes by the Slim Man, and ignores his call for some oysters when she spots Lord Tyrell and his gold cloak guardman. They have her full attention. She follows them. Arya spends the day eating shellfish and casing the Iron Bank. Mace Tyrell breaks out into a weird song; I’m not sure what that’s about. After sundown, she follows the gold cloak and two knights to a whore house. She is reprimanded to “Sell your fish somewhere else.” Heh, that line being said in a whorehouse makes me giggle. But there’s demand for the oysters in the whorehouse, and she’s allowed to stay.  The gold cloak, who you may remember as Meryn Trant, the jerk who killed Arya’s sword teacher in s season one, likes young girls, like really young girls. He keeps calling the girls presented to him too old. When he’s finally given a girl of 10 or 12, he says wants her for more than the hour and wants a new one tomorrow. Gross. Gross. Gross.

Arya returns to the House of Black and White. She lies to Jaqen, saying that the Thin Man didn’t want oysters today. I think she was supposed to poison the Thin Man with her oysters, because Jaqen mentions that another man is dead today instead of the Thin Man.

The Dornish prince wants Viper Mom (formerly Slutty Princess Leia) to swear allegiance or die. She bows and swears allegiance to him. The viper girls aren’t happy for her humiliation. I don’t see how the prince thinks she’s even 1% actually contrite.

Jaime is writing a letter when Viper Mom comes to pay him a visit. She talks of love, and even approves of Jaime and Cersei’s love. Do not trust this lady, Jaime!

Stannis visits his daughter. She tells him about the dance of dragons. It’s a story that heavily resembles the current strife between the kings. Stannis sounds weak here, like he’s resigned to sacrificing his daughter. She says she’ll do anything she can to help. Don’t say that Shireen! Stannis mutters, “Forgive me.” Remember like, what, four or five episodes ago, when Stannis said he’d never let anyone harm his daughter? Yeah, well, about that…

Stannis’s daughter is marched to a stake. Smoky Vijayjay commands for Shireen to be tied to the stake. Stannis isn’t there to watch, and then he suddenly is. Both parents are there. Amazingly, Mrs. Stannis is the one who breaks, trying to free their daughter as the fire ignites around her. Huh, I wouldn’t have guessed that, with Mrs. Stannis being the originally thought sacrificing her own daughter was a good idea. Stannis stops Mrs. Stannis from intervening. Princess Shireen burns. Stannis looks like a shell of himself. This was supposed to empower him, but he just looks broken now.

Fathers Day in Westeros

Over in Mereen, everyone is at the fighting pits. The colosseum is full. Let’s get ready to rumbllllllllle. Tyrion has finally cleaned up, but is still sporting that beard. The first match features the strong vs. the quick. Last season taught me to pick the strong in this kind of fight (Red Viper RIP). Daario talks about how the quick will triumph. Down in the the quick quickly dies. Dany isn’t a fan of the fighting pits. When Dany’s fiance defends the fighting pits, Tyrion counters with “It’s easy to confuse what is and what ought to be especially when what is works in your favor.” and also tells him “My father would have liked you.” I can’t think of a bigger insult coming from Tyrion than a comparison to Tywin.

Friend Zone is in the next bout. It’s six way battle royale. Oh Jorah… Friend Zone is almost immediately stabbed in the throat. He bounces back, but is overpowered. Friend Zone manages kills the guy. Don’t relax, Jorah! You still have four other guys to fight. Friend Zone squares off against another fighter. The guy is way too quick for Jorah, cutting him three times. Eventually, it’s down to Friend Zone and one other fighter. Unfortunately, Jorah is disarmed. He looks to Dany. Is he looking for mercy? Tyrion tells her to end the fight. Dany’s future husband says she can’.  Tyrion says she can. Amazingly, Friend Zone manages to avoid being killed, and despite his opponent being much more armored than him, he manages to stab the guy in the belly. Friend Zone stands before the queen. Come on, Jorah, say “Are you not entertained?” You know you want to. The people are all booing him. I think a lot of people lost a lot of money betting against Friend Zone. As he’s being booed, Friend Zone hurls a spear at Dany’s platform. But the spear wasn’t meant for her, or her fiance, or even Daario, but for a Son of the The Harpy that was sneaking up behind Dany. Harpies are everywhere. They’re butchering people. The Unsullied fight back and guard Dany. The Harpies kill Dany’s future husband. I did not see that one coming. I thought he was their boss. Tyrion saves Dany’s Missandei.


There are so many Harpies. It’s like the arena battle on Geonosis in Attack of the Clones. I will never forgive this episode of Game of Thrones for making me think of Attack of the Clones. Dany is surrounded. We need some dragons and we need them now. The Unsullied, Daario and Friend Zone are good at holding the Harpies back. Dany closes her eyes like she’s fine with dying and will do so on her feet. Just then, a dragon screeches! A dragon flies overhead. Drogon?

dany and drogon

Dragon! Drogon flies down to protect Dany. The Harpies flee or burn. Some do both. The Harpies are men and women. For some reason, I thought they were all men. Maybe it’s because they’re called Sons of the Harpy. Time for a name change…if any of them survive Drogon. Crap, despite being huge, Drogon is still not a fully grown dragon. Spears piece him. He’s getting weaker. Dany walks to him, pulling spears from his hide. He yells at her. The Harpies attack him again. Dany mounts Drogon. She commands him forward and he flies away with her. Um, Dany, don’t forget your people down below…