Game of Thrones – S5E8 – Hardhome – Recap

The episode starts with Tyrion and Friend Zone standing before Dany. When Tyrion hears that she’s not a fan of Lannisters, he quickly points out that “I am the greatest Lannister killer of all time,” seeing as he killed his mother in childbirth and killed his father on the shitter. Tyrion clearly impresses Dany, who decides to keep him on as an advisor. His first job is to advise her on what to do with Friend Zone. While Jorah might not be happy with Tyrion’s decision that Dany should banish him, he did successfully keep Dany from killing her former Friend Zone. The grey scale is spreading on Friend Zone’s arm. I don’t think he’s long for this world. Hmmm, now that he’s been banished twice by Dany, Jorah may no longer qualify in his nickname of Friend Zone. Should I start calling him The Knight Formerly Known as Friend Zone?

Cersei is alone in her cell. Wow, it didn’t take long for Cersei to look like shit. A Westerosi version of a nun brings Cersei some gruel. The nun wants her to confess. Cersei tells the nun that her face will be the last things that the nun sees before she dies. Remember kids, a Lannister always pays her debts.

Arya is now Anna, an orphan. She’s telling Jaqen a story about buying and selling oysters. It’s an elaborate story, full of details. Arya becomes that oyster seller in real life. But more importantly, she becomes a spy down by the canal. She’s set to spy on The Thin Man, a crooked insurance broker who doesn’t pay out to families of dead sea captains. The Thin Man likes oysters. I think the Thin Man is going to die…

A guy who I think is a septon comes to visit Cersei. The septon tells her there’s a way out, but Cersei knows what it is, and she won’t confess. He tells her that Uncle Kevan is returning to King’s Landing to serve as Tomlin’s hand. Remember when Cersei was forcing enemies out of King’s Landing and consolidating power? You know, a whole two episodes ago? Oh, how the mighty have fallen.

Sansa wants to know why Theon betrayed her. He reminds her that there is no Theon, only Reek. Sansa hates him for killing her brothers, but he ends up admitting that he didn’t kill Bran and Rickon, but rather two farm boys. He also says that he told Ramsey about the candle because he knows first hand how well Ramsey takes escape attempts. Reek says that Ramsey caught Theon escaping “and cut away piece after piece until there was no Theon left.” So wait a minute, Theon is Reek’s dick? I guess that makes sense, since Theon always did think with his dick. Hey, remember that time he unknowingly fingered his sister? Classic Theon…

Ramsey wants to take the fight to Stannis. Roose says they can’t afford the men. Ramsey tells Roose he doesn’t need an army. He only needs 20 good men.

Okay, I know everyone is treating the end of this episode as the “Oh shit!” moment of the season, but can we talk about this scene right here, where Dany and Tyrion become a team? I feel like this scene is getting seriously overlooked because of the final scene of this episode. Dany and Tyrion, I like this team. At first glance, it looks like Tyrion is auditioning for Dany, but really it’s a two way street. Tyrion says to her that he needs “To see if you’re the right kind of terrible.” At the end of their conversation, they’re both impressed with the other. Dany wants him to stay on as advisor, and he wants that too. His first suggestion is that she gives up her quest for the iron throne. This prompts Dany to give her “I’m not going to stop the wheel. I’m going to break the wheel” speech from the season 5 trailer.

team dany tyrion

Jorah, like a true Friend Zone, can’t take a hint. He wants in on the fighting pits. He wants to fight in the Great Pit before Dany. He even goes so far to sell himself back into slavery just for a chance to fight in front of Dany. Friend Zone has it baaaaaaaad for Dany.

That same sister as before tries to get Cersei to confess again. She holds out a ladle of water to help elicit a confession. Cersei refuses to confess. Cersei bribes the sister to let her out, and when that doesn’t work, threatens her. The sister dumps the ladle of water on the ground and leaves. Cersei has enough pride left to wait until the sister leaves before licking the water off the ground.

Up at Castle Black, Gilly is treating Sam’s wounds. That kid shows up, the one whose family was killed by wildlings. He can’t understand why Jon would makes deals with the wildlings. Sam explains hard choices to the kid, and that they need the wildlings on their side, or else they’re all going to be fodder for the army of the undead.

Speaking of wildlings, Jon arrives with Redbeard and some men at the wildling camp. It makes for a great visual: the wildlings are all in white and Jon’s in black. As Jon’s boat approaches the shore, I can’t help but think that Jon is four five seconds from wildlings.

When they reach shore, Jon and Redbeard meet with Skeletor, I mean Lord of Bones. LoB makes a comment about Redbeard sucking Jon’s cock. Redbeard answers this by beating Skeletor senseless with his own staff. Jon tells them, “I’m not asking you to forget your dead. I’ll never forget mine.” God, Jon is awesome. Jon gives a “We live together or die alone” speech straight out of Jack’s playbook on Lost. Redbeard’s name is Tormond. I’ll never remember that. He’ll be Redbeard forever, but I’ll try. Tormond gets the best line of the episode when he calls Jon prettier than his daughters. Not all the wildlings join up. The Then refuses. This new lady wildling, who is immediately my favorite new character on the show, says “I fucking hate Thens.” You and everyone else, lady.


5000 or so wildlings join Jon. Jon isn’t happy. He wanted more. He says, “We’re leaving too many behind.” He 100% realizes he’ll be fighting the corpses of these wildlings in the future. My new favorite wildling lady loads her daughters on the boats and says she’ll be right back after she loads the old folks. Uh-oh. No one is ever right back when they say that.

Game-of-Thrones-Hardhome-new favorite wildling

A giant is playing with dragon glass. He’s like Hagrid with a potty mouth.

The dogs start barking. Ruh-roh. Jon knows something is up. It sounds like thunder approaching. Everyone knows what’s up; they just don’t want to admit it. Chaos breaks as the wildlings rush behind the gates. Orders are given to close the gate. How are gates going to stop this? A bunch of wildlings are stuck outside the gates in the storm. The storm keeps coming. The wildling outside are banging on the gate, and then they’re suddenly not. Double ruh-roh. The Then looks through the gate. He’s rewarded with a zombie almost poking out his eyes. These zombies are viscious. They punch through wood!That’s right, Game of Thrones zombies can punch through wood. These zombies make The Walking Dead zombies seem like puppies. Everyone runs for the boats. Jon tries to maintain order. The zombies overtake the building with the giant and Jon’s buddy. They scale fences and dig under them too. Or just punch through it. Freefolk are swimming  in the freezing water to escape. Jon wants to save as many people as possible. Awesome New Lady Wildling (did they ever say her name?) wants Jon to go. Redbeard and Jon attack the zombies, giving the wildlings a chance to escape. Redbeard and Jon make a good team. I’d watch that Game of Thrones spin off. It would be like The Odd Couple, one’s in the Nights Watch, the other is a wildling. The White Walkers are just watching from the hill. Oh man, this fight hasn’t even really started. Jon realizes they can’t lose the the dragon glass! He fights his way back to the building. Potty Mouth Hagrid bursts through, ripping through the zombies. He’s like the Hulk of the group. Jon Snow is Captain America and everyone else is Hawkeye. A White Walker walks into the building. The Then fights the walker while Jon hunts the glass. Fights is an overstatement. It’s more like the Then dies immediately. The Walker throws Jon across the room. Don’t fight, Jon! Run! Jon manages to flee and grab Bearclaw Longclaw (whose name I keep confusing with the name of Josh Gadd’s character on The New Girl. He uses it to parry the Walker’s blow and it doesn’t shatter! Holy shit! Jon kills the walker with a swipe of Bearclaw Longclaw. Okay, so unless Longclaw has a coating of dragon glass on it, it looks like Valyrian steel is another way to kill White Walkers. The only problem being are there even a dozen Valyrian steel weapons left in Westeros? Hold onto Longclaw, Jon!

jon vs white walker

A young White Walker watches from the mountain top. For a second I thought this was Joffrey back as a White Walker. That would be classic Joffrey, dying just to come back as something worse.

Down below a group of zombie kids charge my new favorite wildling. She can’t process fighting them. She doesn’t flee; she just lets them overtake her and then dies. Thanks, Game of Thrones writers. Jerks.

new fave character

A herd of zombies cascade over the side of the mountain. It’s like watching a zombie version of the old computer game Lemmings. They all lie at the bottom for a moment and then pop up to attack. Everyone retreats to the sea. Jon and the guys are rowing to the boat, though it really looks like they’re just lackadaisically floating to the boat. I’d be rowing like a madman at this point. Who am I kidding? At this point, I’d already be zombie fodder. Hulk walks to the boat, tossing zombies to and fro, picking them off himself like fleas. He actually passes by Jon’s boat. Thanks for the assist, Hulk. You could have just pulled the boat. Jerk. Giant jerk. Jon sees all the men fighting on the shore…well, more like dying on the shore and he feels like a failure. The White Walker that I thought was Joffrey (he’s not!), but seems to be the Head White Walker in Charge (HWWIC) strolls to the dock and stares down Jon Snow. He raises his hands and….everyone who died rises as a zombie. Ohhhhh fuck. Hey Jon, why are you still just watching this? Row, man! Row!

come at me snow

What was the bigger deal to you this episode? The White Walker attack or the newly formed tag team of Dany and Tyrion?