Last week, on Gotham, we were introduced to Detective Jim Gordon and his good-for-nothing-but-will-probably-end-up-having-a-heart-of-gold partner Harvey Bullock, along with nearly every single Batman Villain that’s ever existed. I think they’re saving Calendar Man for season two. Also, we met Bruce Wayne but he’s barely out of pre-school, so we’ve got a looooooong series ahead of us.

This week’s episode opens with Bruce alone in Wayne Manor, holding his hand over a lit candle. He keeps putting his hand closer to the flame, I guess in an attempt to see how much of the pain he can withstand. Alfred comes in, gets really angry, then hugs him, telling him it will be all right. Spoiler alert: it won’t be.

We cut to one of Gotham City’s many dark and scary alleys, where we find Catgirl batting a locket with her hand. Y’know, like a cat. There is a group of kids standing by a trashcan fire, which is the telltale sign of homeless people and/or hobos. A food truck pulls into the alley, and two overly-chipper people pop out to offer the kids some food. (One of the other kids yells to Catgirl, telling her she should come eat. He calls her “Cat.” Because the writers of this show want to make sure that there is no ambiguity about who this person is.) One of the food truck people, out of nowhere, starts jabbing the kids with a pen, immediately knocking them out. Catgirl runs away, as does another one of the homeless kids. Food Truck Guy gives chase, but is stopped by an older homeless person who comes out nowhere – Food Truck Guy shoots him and continues his chase. He catches up to the kid in front of a restaurant, and for a second I thought we were going to get an homage to the “Rick Moranis is attacked by a dog in front of Tavern on the Green while none of the rich people inside notice” scene from Ghostbusters (which, admittedly, would have been awesome.) Instead, Food Truck Guy throws him through the window instead. For some reason? I don’t know.

The next morning, we find Gordon in the alley squinting at the body while Catgirl poses on a roof. Bullock meets Gordon, and tells him that he shouldn’t waste his time because homeless people suck (HEY EVERYONE GOTHAM COPS ARE BAD GUYS.) A beat cop arrives, and Gordon yells at him because he should have already been at the crime scene – the cop explains that he was at the restaurant because they pay him money to keep an eye on the place (GOTHAM COPS ARE BAD.)

Back at the station, Bullock and Gordon are interrogating the kid who was thrown through a window – his name is Mackie – and seriously, for a dude that got TOSSED THROUGH A GLASS WINDOW he looks really good. Bullock, further illustrating that he’s a bad, bad, cop (see above) ignores everything that Mackie tells him (homeless kids have been disappearing but no one cares, etc) and accuses Mackie of the murder and threatens to beat the truth out of him. Gordon pulls Bullock aside to tell him he can’t beat up the suspect, because, well, it’s illegal This prompts Bullock to bring up last week’s episode of Gotham, where Gordon was forced to kill Penguin in order to prove he could be a bad cop, too.

Speaking of, we cut to Penguin as he waddles down the highway, and is picked up by a couple of preppy bros, who offer him booze and chit-chat – one of them tells Penguin that he looks like a Penguin, which causes him to break the bottle and kill the crap out of him! I can’t believe they missed last week’s episode of Gotham, where this happened 46 times.

After the credits, we cut back to the police chief’s office, where Bullock is complaining that Gordon wouldn’t let him beat up a suspect. What a crybaby. Nygma, slinks by the window, being creepy, and comes into the office to tell them that the blood test on Mackie came back with high levels of a knockout drug that used to be used at Arkham Asylum, which has been closed for years. After he’s done dumping exposition, he stands there, looking creepy. Bullock mentions that the kidnappings are happening on Fish Mooney’s “turf” and that maybe they should check in with her, to see if she is still mad at them. It’s been a few days since she had them hung upside down in a slaughterhouse. I’m sure everything’s cool now.

At Mooney’s club, everyone’s watching a cute Asian power pop band, and Carmine Falcone shows up to accuse Mooney of trying to muscle in on his business. To show her who’s boss, he has his dudes beat the crap out of one of her employees, who Falcone refers to as “her lover” (gross.) Falcone leaves, and Mooney flips out and clears the club. A short time later, she’s making plans to take over Falcone’s empire. She says she’s going to kill him “with <her> bare hands and <her> teeth.” Uhhhhh…what? She wishes Penguin was still alive, because she didn’t make him suffer enough. I like how every time someone mentions Penguin being dead, they cut to a scene of Penguin doing stuff, still alive! It’s clever! This time, we see him pull up (driving the bro’s car) to a house in order to rent a trailer from a country sort of guy (ok, seriously, where is Gotham City.) There’s some idle chit-chat about the bro’s truck (PENGUIN IS A NERD YOU GUYS AND HAS NO IDEA ABOUT CARS HA HA)

Gordon and Bullock pay a visit to Fish Mooney, where she kinda/sorta apologizes for trying to have them killed, on account her being “feisty.” Mooney informs Bullock and Gordon about an overseas organization that is paying for teenagers for…some reason? No one knows. Or cares, apparently, because Gotham City is a horrible awful place. I am beginning to wonder if one man can truly make a difference in a town like this.

Now, because the police chief told Gordon and Bullock not to let the press know about the abductions, Gordon makes sure to tell his girlfriend so she can call the newspapers. He is really bad at not-discussing case-related stuff with people. Just really bad. This is, however, when we learn that the chief’s name is “Sara Essen” which for God’s sake are the writers just throwing darts at a list of characters that have appeared in Batman comics? Because Sarah Essen is actually kind of an important character and they’ve just tossed her name on some rando. I digress.

We jump back to the police station and boy is everyone pissed about the story making the papers! Gordon and Bullock tell Essen that they have the names of all of the companies that sell the knockout drugs used by the kidnappers, and are going to “lean hard” on them. We cut to one of said companies, where the two Food Tuck people are getting yelled at by the owner of the company. At this moment, Gordon and Bullock show up (quick digression before the action starts: outside the lab/store/whatever, Bullock is telling Gordon how he needs to be more controlling of his girlfriend, and says that Gordon is a “monkey riding a racehorse.” What the crap does that mean? If you know, feel free to leave the answer in the comments.)

After paying lip service to interrogating the owner, Bullock and Gordon are surprised when the creepy food truck people turn off the lights and start a shootout! The CFTP run out and drive off, while Gordon finds the room where all of the kids are being held. DAY SAVED, WITH SEVENTEEN MINUTES LEFT IN THE EPISODE!

PSYCHE! After commercials, we join the Mayor giving a press conference, where he says that basically they’re going to take all of the homeless kids off of the streets and send them out of the city. To protect them from the kidnappers? I don’t know, Gotham City is gross and mean. After the press conference, Gordon finds that Alfred has dropped by for a visit. He asks if Gordon would drop by to visit them. Which is a little weird, but okay. We cut to Bruce doodling scary things while listening to metal.

Back in another location, we find all of the homeless kids getting loaded onto a few school buses, and we see Catgirl being sassy to a cop. Food Truck Lady comes on board, and when Catgirl recognizes her and tries to run away, FTL pulls a gun on her and makes her sit.

The mayor stomps into Essen’s office, completely livid over the fact that an entire bus of kids had disappeared. He begs her to tell him that it was not the work of the “snatchers” (who…who else could it have been?) Cut to the cell in the middle of the station (again, like last time, totally weird) where Bullock is beating the owner of the lab/store/whatever with a phone book, because, yeah, sure. He tells them the logo on the food truck had a picture of a plate and a fork on the side. After doodling Gordon realizes that the logo is not a plate and a fork but rather a trident, which is the logo of “Trident International Shipping! (DETECTIVE WORK!)

FTG and FTL are startled as a guy comes from “the back” of the warehouse, holding his eyes. When he pulls his hands away, they’re all bloody and gross. FTL kills him because his eyes are totally disgusting. She finds Catgirl, and is about to shoot her except Gordon shows up out of nowhere and clocks her. Case closed, easy peasy.

At Wayne Manor, Alfred and Gordon are talking about Bruce – Gordon suggests therapy, but Alfred tells him that Thomas Wayne told Alfred that if he and his wife were ever murdered in an alley, Alfred had to allow Bruce to follow his own path. So, if Bruce wants to listen to heavy metal music and cut himself, it’s totally cool. Let’s let a grade school kid take control of his life. Milkshakes for dinner every day! Bruce pops in, and explains that when he does things like burning or cutting himself, he’s testing himself. He offers to give money to the homeless kids, but Gordon tells him that they don’t need money (huh?) they need people to take care of them (oh. But also maybe they need money.)

At the station, Gordon and “Cat” banter back and forth a little, and we learn her name is actually “Selina.” She tells Gordon that she knows who killed the Waynes, but since this is only the second episode and the episode only has one minute left, we gotta go! DUN DUN DUN!

So, the second episode of Gotham is definitely better than the first, but the acting is still pretty awful across the board, and Gordon is straight up an awful detective. I was noticing that the actress that plays Selina looks a lot like Julie Newmar; this, combined with Pinkett Smith’s amazing Eartha Kitt impression, makes me hope that the show is actually just a prequel to the Adam Wets Batman series. I’m not into the idea of introducing Batman’s entire rogues gallery before he hits puberty, but if a vaguely Latino gentleman with a moustache shows up telling jokes, I might change my mind…

Written by Nick Doyle. Follow Nick on Twitter: @nicholasdoyle.