Good news, Orphan Black fans: in this episode, Paul’s back with a vengeance. And by vengeance, I mean shirtless, pantsless and with so many secrets behind those steely blue eyes. But, like, soulful secrets. (Hint: I am not complaining.)

This. But with far less clothing. All Orphan Black images by Steve Wilkie.

We start off this episode in Rachel’s bloody apartment, where she gives just a hint of humanity when she sees dead Men in Black, before immediately switching back to following the manual from Cold Bitch Digest. Leekie says that security footage shows that Helena and Sarah left together and that Helena is responsible for Men In Black’s death. He blames Rachel’s heavy-handed tactics for what’s happened but Rachel says she’s only just begun. (That’s from Chapter 4 of Cold Bitch Digest: Chilling One-Liners)

Meanwhile Sarah has brought Helena to Felix’s, a rite of passage for Clone Club it seems. She tells Helena that she has to be nice to Felix because she is his brother and is therefore just like one of their sisters. She also asks Felix to bring Helena some clothes, which might make Helena the first woman to switch over from polygamist wedding chic to something pleather and possibly assless. Felix is none too pleased about having to “babysit Ukrainian psycho” while Sarah goes to talk to Kira but, as always, he does as his sister asks him to.

There’s a brief scene of Kira and Cal in the camper. Cal is continuing to charm Kira, but we can see that he’s hiding a gun, several IDs, and a load of cash in the camper. If there’s anything Game of Thrones taught me, it’s don’t trust guys with beards (or bald guys, guys born of incest, guys made of black smoke, guys named after small body parts…actually, anybody. But I digress)…so I don’t like this.

At the DYAD Institute, Rachel, Paul and Leekie are meeting again. Rachel says she needs a new monitor, making it clear that she realized MIB was her monitor all along. She commands Paul to be her new monitor. She then asks Leekie to shut down Cosima’s medical treatments, as incentive for Sarah to come to her.

But at the lab, Delphine has already shown Cosima test results she found with stem cells that match with hers. They wonder why Leekie didn’t tell them about it.

Sarah is in a bar Skyping with Kira, who is giving her mom the cold shoulder and already calling Cal, Daddy. Sarah updates Cal on MIB being dead for good.

Felix takes Helena to Art’s who immediately pats her down and handcuffs her, which has Helena none too pleased. By the way, does Art just not go to work anymore? Does Clone Club have health benefits? And, if so, where can I apply?

We cut to Ranch Prolethean, where we find out that Gracie is being punished for allowing Helena to escape: Big Love and Wife #1 have stitched her mouth shut and put her in a solitary room.

Back at Rachel’s apartment, she is watching the same home videos of herself that Sarah was watching in the last episode. Paul is with her, and she is explaining to Paul what his duties as her monitor entail: essentially that he will report her data to Leekie, but that he works for her.  She explains that though Leekie was her guardian when her parents died, she now outranks him in the Institute and that she will be the one to make the hard choices. She brings up Cal and says she wants to know if he is Kira’s father. She also asks Paul if it bothers him that Sarah is back with the father of her child. Paul says no and Rachel tells him that it’s time for him to make a decision about whose side he’s on. She shows him a gun in a Ziploc—Men in Black’s gun—and says that it can be tied to the murder of a cop. Paul asks her what she needs him to do.

Cut to Art’s where Helena is staring at his goldfish with an ever-present murderous, and hungry, gleam in her eye. Art interrogates her about Maggie Chen and what they did to her at the ranch. Helena isn’t answering but Art knows how to make her talk: the tried-and-true technique gathered from his years of experience as a hard-boiled Canadian cop. That’s right…grilled cheese.

Yummmmmmm.

At the ranch, Mark visits Gracie in solitary, bringing her milk to drink out of a straw. She says Big Love is sending him after Helena because they want Helena to carry the child. He advises her to confess about whatever it was that led to Helena escaping, before kissing her. Gracie is obviously smitten.

Back at Art’s, and Helena is partaking in her second favorite activity (after homicidal tendencies)…eating. As she chows down on a mix of mustard, hard-boiled eggs, pickles, powdered doughnuts, and a block of hard ramen noodles (I think Helena would have really thrived in American dorm life), she tells Art that Maggie Chen had a locker, but asks how this information will help her “sestra.”

And now…it’s time for Felix’s getting-dressed-for-a-date montage. Set to Tears for Fears. Because this show is the greatest (and because I’ve come to the conclusion that Felix was Pretty in Pink’s Duckie in another life). Felix’s hot date is the coroner from Season 1, but just as things are about to get steamy, the cops bust in with a search warrant for his place. Sarah is approaching the building just as the coroner is being dragged away by a cop, so she shrewdly hides.

Back at the apartment, we see that the cops are actually followed by Paul. Felix asks him if he’s Team Rachel now, while Paul carefully puts on a glove, pull out a gun, and asks Felix if he was in Cal’s cabin. Felix is incredulous that Paul would use a gun on him but, before he knows it, Paul has fired off a shot, and is wrestling Felix onto the couch until he has made Felix hold the weapon (which, of course, is the same gun that Rachel told him shot the cop). Then he calls Sarah on the green clone phone and tells her that he has a cop waiting to find the weapon with Felix’s fingerprints on it, unless she turns herself into Rachel. He tells her she has until the morning to do it.

Sarah immediately calls Art for help. Art says he’ll ask around to see whether Rachel and crew are just bluffing or whether they can really implicate Felix. By the time Art gets off the phone, Helena has somehow managed to escape…using a tuna can tab. Seriously. Then she holds Art up with a gun.

At the ranch, Big Love and his wife finally cut the stitches from Gracie’s mouth. Gracie explains that she was trying to protect her family (when she tried to suffocate Helena). Wife #1 tells Gracie that Gracie’s now going to carry the child since she let Helena escape.

At Leekie’s lab, Cosima and Delphine try to steal the stem cell culture. But Leekie interrupts them and tells them a secret: that the original genome was lost in a lab fire. He wants to know what Sarah has found out about Rachel’s parents from the photo. Cosima says she has no information on that. Leekie says he’s willing to disregard Rachel and proceed with the treatment to help Cosima.

In the camper, Kira is drawing photos of Aunt Alison and Aunt Cosima and telling Cal that her mom has new sisters that look just like her. Cal asks her what she means by that, but is interrupted by a knock on the door. It’s a cop who is poking around. Cal gives them a fake ID and the cop seems ready to search the camper until Kira manages to stop them by asking “Are you my Mummy?” yelling “trick or treat” while wearing a gas mask and acting generally adorable/unsuspicious.

Art is now handcuffed to a pillar in his apartment when Sarah finds him. Helena is gone, but she left another paper fortune teller with GPS coordinates on it. Then we see Helena opening up a large industrial-looking door, presumably Maggie Chen’s locker.

I see a lot of running in your future, Sarah Manning.

Art and Sarah go to the coordinates, which is the locker. Sarah nervously calls for Helena and asks her to not jump out at them with an ax, which is not too paranoid since the storage locker is filled with all sorts of ax murderer artifacts like photos of nuns with their eyes burned out. They can see that Helena once lived there. Art thinks Maggie used the locker as a drop-off point for Helena. They find some photos, including one of an older guy that has “Swan Man” written on the back of it. Sarah connects the dots to Project LEDA and pulls out her own photo of the two scientists. She starts to suspect that the Swan Man photo is the male scientist in recent times and that he’s actually still alive. Art then finds a case for a sniper rifle, with the rifle missing. Plopped out right in front is a headless Business Suit Barbie. Sarah realizes this means that Helena’s going to kill Rachel.

Back at Rachel’s apartment, Cold Bitch Clone is in her lingerie and ready to seduce Paul. Meanwhile, Helena is on a rooftop across the street, and is carefully giving her Barbie head Rachel’s haircut, and putting red lipstick on herself before looking through her rifle’s lens. Snipers gotta look good, yo. (Sorry for that; I’ve recently started watching Breaking Bad and therefore blame Jesse Pinkman.) In the apartment, Rachel has commanded Paul to take off his shirt and pants and started kissing him though, when he tries to take charge, she slaps him.

Art and Sarah are now in the neighborhood. They see Helena’s bike in the middle of the street and figure out which building she’s on. Meanwhile, Sarah tells Paul to get completely naked and sit on the chair. (Can we just stop and recognize that Paul has now slept with three women with the same face? Talk about a type…) Helena’s got them in her sights,when she hears Sarah and Art behind her. “Hello, sestra,” she says without even turning around.

Helena wants Sarah to see Paul having sex with Rachel. Helena says Rachel is a problem and she needs to kill her. But Sarah says she can’t kill her because they have something on Felix. “Brother/sestra?” Helena, doing her best Buster Bluth impression, asks. Helena then says she’ll kill Paul since he’s unfaithful. But Sarah says no, she doesn’t care about Paul but she doesn’t want him dead. She puts herself in front of the gun. She wants Helena to help her find Swan Man. Helena says Sarah’s only going to use her. But Sarah says no and gives a heartfelt speech about Helena being her real sister. Helena finally puts the gun down, with tears in her psychotic eyes. Sarah and Helena walk away from the sniper rifle, arm in arm, just like two totally normal sisters. In fact, I completely expected them to break out into “For the First Time in Forever (Reprise).”

Same.

Back at the lab, Leekie gives Cosima a shot in slow-motion, because maybe the episode’s running time was a little bit under. Cosima says the clones have a proposition for Leekie because of what he shared with her about the lab fire. She sends Leekie to a bar where Sarah meets him and tells him that she’s discovered that Ethan Duncan, a.k.a. Swan Man, is still alive. She tells Leekie that if her brother gets off, she’ll go find Ethan. Leekie says he will do what he can and that he’ll also keep Cosima’s treatments going. Which is a surprise to Sarah, since she didn’t know Cosima was sick. Leekie says Sarah has three days. Sarah says if anyone follows her, she’ll send Helena after them.

Speaking of following, lo and behold, Paul has followed Leekie. Leekie warns Paul that what Sarah finds may be dangerous to everyone (duh) and asks Paul to come to him first with any info before he goes to Rachel. Paul leaves the bar, presumably to follow Sarah.

In the car, Sarah asks Helena where they’re going. Helena says Cold River—place of screams.

Cold River. Wider than a stone. I’m crossing with my clone, someday.

This Episode’s Clone MVP: Helena wins again because she got out of handcuffs with what is, essentially, a soda tab and all those ever did for me were give me the initial “Q” when I was trying to figure out who my future husband would be in the 4th grade.

I did not, in fact, marry a “Quinten.”

Best Line Delivered by Felix: I need to break form here and hand this over to the entire getting ready montage. Because Tears for Fears, people.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZZyGDiUnta4

Best Line Delivered by a Character Other than Felix: “Brother/sestra?” –Helena’s nickname for Felix.

Welcome to my v-e-r-y late recap* of Episode 2, Season 2 of Orphan Black, wherein we find out that Mrs. S. puts both Ss in badass and Felix coins the term #cloneclub much to the delight of BBC America’s social media manager.

Second rule of Clone Club: Felix is true Clone Club MVP, now and forever. All photos by Steve Wilkie for BBC America.

The show starts off by confirming that evil Eastern European clone Helena is definitely alive before switching to a meeting between Sarah, Art and Felix as they try to figure out how to get Kira back. Felix has managed to procure new clone phones with plastic neon green covers and somewhere some Etsy shop is reaping the benefits of Clone Club’s first rule of Clone Club: matching phone covers at all times. Just then, Kira happens to call Felix, Art tracks the call, and Art and Sarah are off to Kira’s presumed location.

By the way, does anyone else want the opening credits to have Tatiana Maslany’s name repeated 8 times? The woman deserves it!

We cut to an expository scene establishing that the religious Prolethean group (of which Helena is a part) is planning something sinister on a farm somewhere. Then we see Alison doing her best impression of Holly Golightly at Aynsley’s funeral, where all of her fellow Pleasantville soccer moms loudly gossip about “her nerve” in showing up. To recap, they don’t know that Alison was actually at the scene of Aynsley’s death, only that she slept with Aynsley’s husband. As Alison and her family are getting ready to leave the funeral, Alison catches a glance of husband Donnie’s phone and realizes—he’s actually her monitor, not Aynsley after all. Whoops.

At Dr. Leekie’s lab, Cosima and Delphine are being welcomed into the fold and both vowing that they are not colluding with Sarah. “I just want to make crazy science with you in our new lab,” Delphine purrs to Cosima in her silky French accent, which is totally the nerd way of saying “I want to get into your pants.” I’m sure Neil DeGrasse Tyson could confirm this.

Art and Sarah are now at the motel where Kira’s call came from. While Art gets sidetracked by Rachel’s lackey, Men in Black, Sarah goes to investigate the garage—where she promptly gets kidnapped herself and made to get into the trunk of a car.

One cliffhanger commercial break later, and we discover that Sarah’s kidnapper has brought her to, lo and behold, Mrs. S. who assures her that Kira is safe and that she’s on Sarah’s side. Sarah doesn’t look so convinced.

Don’t be fooled by Mrs. S’s mild-mannered exterior. She will cut you.

Cosima is being shown into her promised new lab where Dr. Leekie tells her she will be studying herself. Meanwhile, Alison is in rehearsals for her musical which, with its talk of bloody hands and cleaning brains off the wall, is apparently The Telltale Heart of community musical theater. During a break in rehearsal, Alison gets molested by the theater director and we are unfortunately denied the pleasure of seeing her kick his ass with a common household item (as is her M.O.) by the appearance of Felix—who introduces himself as her acting coach.

Come undone by singing her musical’s guilt-laden lyrics, Alison takes Felix aside and confesses that she was there when Aynsley died and that she essentially was responsible because she didn’t help her to get her scarf out of the garbage disposal. Meanwhile, she has since found out that Donnie is her real monitor.

Back to Mrs. S. and Sarah, and we find that they are in a commune of sorts where Mrs. S. took Sarah and Felix when they first left the U.K. She also reveals that she kidnapped Kira to “confuse the issue” and get her away from the people chasing Sarah. We meet Hippie Mother and Hippie Son, part of Mrs. S.’s “old network” who is helping them to disappear again

There’s a brief scene between Art and his partner Angela, where Angela reveals that there’s another Beth lookalike in the hospital. Art asks Angela to stay out of it. “You’re not going there,” he says. But, oh, Angela is totally going there. But by the time she gets to the hospital, Helena is gone. We see Prolethean Mark (see: Mad Men from the Episode 1 recap) pushing her out in a wheelchair.

Helena liiiiiiiives.

Back at Ranch Prolithean, we see just-introduced Head Farmer (from here on out known as Big Love) talking to Tobias, also known as Helena’s self-flagellating keeper. Big Love explains to Tobias that Helena is not a synthetic clone but a genetic anomaly, a mirror. Her organs are reversed, a condition that sometimes happens with identical twins, and he demonstrates with a stethoscope that her heart is on the right side of her body. (Or, my new theory, the clones are all actually time lords who have two hearts. BAM! Doctors 13-27 all in one. Well played, BBC.)

Meanwhile, Alison has a plan for seeing if Donnie really is her monitor by making a fake phone call mentioning Sarah in front of him. On the other end of the line is Felix painting naked in a smock. And we are two for two in seeing Jordan Gavaris’ butt cheeks in this season of Orphan Black.

Donnie falls for the trap and follows Alison to Aynsley’s grave…where she has cleverly set up a meeting with a different Sara from her community theater group. He calls Dr. Leekie but the good (evil?) doctor senses the trap and tells him to hang up. Alison confronts Donnie and he makes a lame excuse about why he followed her. He tells Alison he loves her and leaves, letting the full depth of Donnie’s betrayal really sink in since he’s obviously been lying to her for probably their whole acquaintance.

Back at the commune, Mrs. S. tells Sarah that she plans on taking Kira back to London, but Sarah shows her the picture that her birth mom gave her of Project LEDA, saying that she was warned not to trust Mrs. S. Mrs. S denies knowing anything about the photo.

What did I say?

At Cosima’s lab, Delphine proceeds to make good on her promise to make it sexy science time before Rachel Duncan comes in and spoils their fun. Speaking to Cosima in private, Rachel reveals some of the health issues that have been plaguing Cosima and, as it turns out, all the clones—except for Sarah. She asks Cosima to find out why Sarah’s genome is so different than the rest of theirs.

At the commune, Sarah is putting Kira to bed and Kira admits that she doesn’t trust Mrs. S. That cinches the deal for Sarah who tries to escape the commune with her daughter via a pick-up truck with a severe transmission problem. The noise alerts Mrs. S. and the commune hippies. Hippie Son goes out to the truck with a shotgun, while Hippie Mom pulls a gun on Mrs. S. This is when Sarah’s foster mom shows her true colors and, with little fanfare, wrenches the gun away from the underestimating hippie and impales both her hands to the table with a knife and fork.

Running outside, Mrs. S. takes down Hippie Son with the gun, but lets Sarah and Kira drive by and escape. Going back in to talk to Hippie Mom, she finds out that they have joined the Prolotheans before she shoots her.

Alison calls Felix near tears, telling him that she now has proof that Donnie is her monitor. She asks him to come take her away, but he says that he’s going away with Sarah and Kira. He advises her to focus on her musical.

The show ends at Ranch Prolithean where we see Big Love systematically shoot Tobias after it becomes clear that he doesn’t believe Helena is not a synthetic.

Off into the sunset in their commune pick-up truck.

This Episode’s Clone MVP: Cosima, because we still don’t know which side she’s really on, and for finding a way to make a science lab smutty. Also for making me go in search of her eye make-up tutorial right now.

Best Line Delivered by Felix: In response to Alison telling him that she killed Aynsley. “Aynsley wore a scarf in the kitchen.”

Best Line Delivered by a Character Other Than Felix: “I just want to make crazy science with you in our new lab.” – Delphine. I would like this to appear in an episode of Cosmos, ASAP.

*I was on vacation enjoying the amazing sites of Lisbon and Madrid. But be assured that I was totes on the lookout for a Spanish or Portuguese clone.

I am super excited to start recapping my household’s second favorite show about clones* for Tuesday Night Movies. So without further ado, let’s get started.

We start off with the hardest working Canadian in show business, Tatiana Maslany, playing main clone Sarah, who has just found out that her daughter Kira and foster mother Mrs. S. are missing. Sarah sits in a diner where, using her special pink clone phone, she realizes that Alison and Cosima’s phones have been disconnected. She dials dreamboat monitor Paul, but only gets his voicemail. At this point, two people enter the diner: an extra from Mad Men and another from Dallas.

Sarah and the two crossover goons. All photos courtesy of BBC America.

Dallas gets into the discussion with the diner owner about whether his eggs are free-range or not. Eventually the two goons corner Sarah, leading diner owner to pull a gun on them. Unfortunately, organic food freak Dallas shoots the diner owner, and the diner owner gets in a kill shot, too. This gives Sarah enough time to head to Canada’s grossest diner bathroom before Mad Men goes in after her. Luckily, Sarah’s badass bionic clone leg lets her kick her way out of the bathroom’s wall before she inhales too much fecal matter and also before Mad Men can get in.

It’s definitely time for some comic relief, so Sarah makes her way to Felix who is—of course—at a gay nightclub in his favorite assless chaps (our first glimpse of pasty man thigh in this episode). Sarah fills Felix in on Kira’s kidnapping. Meanwhile, we see Cosima and Delphine together in another location. Delphine is taking Cosima’s blood and we learn Cosima is planning to start gathering her own lab results.

Straight from the nightclub, Felix visits the clone most likely to have a gun (and a velour tracksuit): soccer mom Alison. We find out that Alison has been laying off the prescription meds, trying to get her life back on track, and is even “doing a musical.” (“Oh my God, not Cats!” Felix prays.) However, she still knows an exotically-monikered person named Ramon who should be able to get them an unregistered gun. This scene is also where we get our second look at pasty man thigh, courtesy of Alison’s husband/monitor who makes an appearance in his tiny, tiny briefs.

The next day, Sarah manages to get a message to Paul and outsmart a sinister Men in Black dude by finding a non-clone who still looks the same from the back as Tatiana Maslany. We also see Delphine hand over what we assume is Cosima’s blood to Dr. Leekey, keeping us unsure as to whose side she’s really on. And we meet the mysterious Ramon who—as it turns out—is a floppy-haired Walmart (sorry, “Econo-mart”) employee in a blue vest, and also Alison’s friendly neighborhood prescription pill/gun dealer.

Afterward, Alison attends her community theater rehearsal for, as it turns out, not Cats but close, where she discovers that being a second-degree murderer does a thespian good. Now that nosy neighbor Aynsley is out of the way, Alison has snagged the lead role of Sheila.

Our clone MVP: Alison.

Beth’s former cop partner Art makes an appearance at the rehearsal, and tells new partner Angela what he saw before they run into Sarah. Angela handcuffs Sarah and gets her into the car.  Sarah tries to tell Art what’s going on with Kira and about the two guys at the diner, but Angela is not buying it. Angela goes to check out the diner and finds dead diner owner and dead Dallas. When Angela gets back, Art makes it clear that he thinks they should let Sarah go. Once Sarah leaves, Art tells Angela that Sarah almost trusts her.

Paul is still with Rachel Duncan, a.k.a. business suit clone who’s in cohorts with Dr. Leekie, and gets told by her that they leave for Taiwan on Tuesday. Meanwhile Leekie approaches Rachel, and we discover that he isn’t sure whether Rachel is behind Kira’s kidnapping or not. Rachel reassures him that it’s better if he stays out of it. Their goal is to get Sarah to meet with them and she’ll make sure that happens.

Meanwhile, Econo-mart Ramon delivers the gun with a floral arrangement and a glittery, handmade card by Alison to Felix’s loft where Felix, Cosima and Sarah are planning how they’re going to get into the DYAD the next day. Sarah is convinced that’s where they are keeping Kira and she plans on going in with a gun and getting her back from Rachel. Meanwhile, Cosima suggests going in herself, since she’s on the guest list for an event the DYAD is having. Sarah calls Paul, and ends up talking to Men in Black. She tells him they’ll be meeting at 9 PM and that she’ll be driving the red minivan. This of course leads Men in Black to inadvertently attack Alison, who does not go down without a fight—and by fight, we mean a lot of mace and a bejeweled rape whistle.

Meanwhile we see Cosima enter the DYAD party. She acts awkwardly when Delphine comes up and kisses her, then gives Leekie an even more awkward hug in order to steal his keycard. Of course, it then becomes clear that this isn’t Cosima at all, but Sarah in braids, securing Delphine the Worst Girlfriend Award since she can’t seem to tell the difference between years-cultivated dreadlocks and a couple of fresh plaits.

Seriously, Delphine. Worst Possibly Double-Crossing Girlfriend Ever.

Rachel is telling some Taiwanese businessmen about her plans for the future of her clone patents. Once they leave, Sarah and her gun enter the room. Rachel reveals that she actually wasn’t the one responsible for Kira’s kidnapping. We see some clone-on-clone fighting before Paul comes in with a gun and tells Sarah to back off. Sarah knocks Rachel out, and there’s a charged moment between Paul and Sarah, before Sarah slaps him with the gun also. Paul, and half the audience, is pretty upset that she might have messed up his soap opera face. Then he lets her go and tells her he’ll come up with a story once Rachel comes to.

This is one way to work out your self-loathing.

Sarah goes to Art’s and tells him that somebody else took Kira. “I know,” Art says before explaining that they found out that the Dallas extra from the diner was a religious extremist. “Helena’s people,” Sarah says. Art asks her to tell him the whole story.

Cut to a hospital where we find out that Helena, though badly wounded by Sarah’s gun in the previous season finale, is still alive and seeking medical attention. She collapses in front of the hospital front desk, but not before she sees that the Mad Men extra has come in, now also dressed like a cowboy. He has Helena’s religious fish symbol on his belt.

In the final scene, we get a glimpse of Kira, who is getting her picture taken by an unknown male.

This Episode’s Clone MVP: Alison, obvs, who managed to procure an unregistered gun, perform a number from not-Cats, make a beribboned and glittered homemade card, and blow a bedazzled rape whistle in one episode.

Best Line Delivered by Felix: “Oh, my God. Not Cats.”

Best Line Delivered by a Character Other Than Felix: “Can I touch your boob?” – boy on train in response to Sarah asking him if she can use his phone.

*My husband loooooves Clone High. He is also, I think, one of three people in America who remembers Clone High.