Game of Thrones – S4E5 – First of His Name – Recap

green ranger iron throne

The episode opens with Princess Low Cut giving Tomlin eyes in the throne room. She’s totally tit-blocked by Cersei. The two of them talk about Joffrey. It’s interesting how honest Cersei is about Joffrey here. I don’t remember her ever voicing that Joffrey was a monster before this. Cersei praises Tomlin and offers the prospect of marriage to Tomlin to Princess Low Cut, who does a great job of sounding interested but not too interested. Princess Low Cut already sounds like part of the family when she says to Cersei, “I hardly know what to call you, sister or mother.” Oh, those Lannisters…

Dany finds out about Joffrey’s death. Beardy has acquired about 70 ships for her. Smooth. Friend Zone rains on the “Let’s sack King’s Landing” parade by bringing up that the cities they’ve liberated in Slaver’s Bay have fallen out of their hands. “I will do what queens do. I will rule.” That’s two for two with scenes ending on awesome lines.

Sansa and Littlefinger are walking the narrow path that leads to Aunt Crazy’s house.  When they reach the front door, the look on Sansa’s face says, “I’ve made a huge mistake.” Amazingly, Aunt Crazy is not breastfeeding when they walk in. Cousin Crazy is only snuggling against her. Awww…gross. Cousin Crazy walks with a weird limp. Don’t breastfeed your kid until he’s 10, ladies. Pro tip: don’t give Cousin Crazy nice gifts. He’ll just throw it out his “moon door.” It’s not as gross as it sounds, but still, that kid isn’t getting anything more than a paper airplane from me.


Aunt Crazy wants Littlefinger’s littlefinger in a bad way. When Littlefinger suggests they take it slow, Aunt Crazy goes into crazy detail about how Littlefinger talked her into killing her own husband. Geez…Littlefinger has killed more people than cancer. He kisses her to get her to shut up. Aunt Crazy calls in a priest and lets him know that she’s going to be loud in bed tonight.

And just like Babe Ruth, Aunt Crazy called her shot. Sansa gets to try in vain to fall asleep to her aunt’s sex moans. Most of her family has been killed, and she was threatened with death by her once future husband, but I really feel like this is the lowest point Sansa’s sunk these four seasons.

Cersei and Tywin are meeting. They go over Tomlin and Princess Low Cut’s wedding. Tywin gets the best line in the scene with “You don’t need to make formal alliances with people you trust.” Tywin also reveals that the crown is way underwater on all the refi they did with the Iron Bank.

At her campsite with the Hound, Arya is going through her rosary of people she wants to put in the ground. The Hound tells her to shut up, but then lets her go on since she only has one name left. But for some reason, he’s surprised to hear his own name as the final name. His face was kind of like, “Say what now?”

Aunt Crazy acts suspiciously normal, so it makes sense that when she does go crazy in this scene, she’s goes full crazy on Sansa. She thinks Sansa is sleeping with Littlefinger. Sansa does her best to convince Aunt Crazy that she’s not sleeping with her aunt’s new husband. I hated Sansa in season 1, but I’ve grown to like her and hope she gets out of this castle okay. Aunt Crazy can take a short walk out the moon door though. Aunt Crazy’s mood swings remind me of Norma on Bates Motel, but without Vera Farmigia’s sexiness. So it’s just the crazy. That’s not a good combo. Aunt Crazy calms down just in time to let Sansa know she’ll be marrying her breast feeding cousin Robin as soon as Tyrion is executed.

Some advice for Sansa...

My advice to Sansa…

On the road with Brienne and Pod. Pod’s not really good at the whole horse riding thing. These two are the perfect buddy cop comedy of Westeros.

The Hound wakes up from his nap and freaks when Arya isn’t there. He finds her practicing her swordplay nearby and flips. He’s not a fan of her technique. Angry Arya is often the best part of an episode. This episode is no exception. The Hound challenges her to show off her stuff on him. Arya doesn’t even hesitate to stab the Hound in the gut. Unfortunately for Arya, the Hounds armor beats Needle’s point the way rock beats scissors.


Next time, throw paper.

The Hound is nice enough to give Needle back after bloodying Arya’s lip and sending her to the ground.

Cersei meets up with Sexy Wil Wheaton. I could see these two getting it on if he was more Cersei’s type, you know, a blood relative. Princess Low Cut has nothing on the Prince of Dorn when it comes to low cut shirts. The dude dresses like J Lo. Cersei takes the best line in this scene with, “Everywhere in the world, they hurt little girls.” There’s a lot of best lines in this episode. Amazingly, none of them have come from Bronn so far, but he’s nowhere to be found.

Back at the Brienne and Pod show, Pod is burning a freshly hunted rabbit. Like really burning it. It’s on fire because he forgot to skin it first. For some reason I thought Pod was a good cook. I now realize that I think I was maybe confusing him with Peeta from The Hunger Games. That doesn’t make much sense, but that’s the only reason I can think of for thinking he was a good cook. Also, whatever happened to that kid that used to hang out with Arya after she fled King’s Landing? That’s not Pod, right? For some reason, I keep thinking that guy and Pod are the same person. When Pod reveals that he put a spear through the back of a man’s head to save Tyrion’s life, his status with Brienne  takes a turn for the better. I love these two.

Up north, it’s snowing at Kraster’s Keep. The Six Fingered Man is either doing some spy work or he’s really into watching rough sex. Or maybe it’s a little of column A, a little of column B. He finds the shack where Brann and company are being kept.  The kid from Love, Actually hints that he and his sister won’t be in many more episodes.  Then his hand catches fire, but only in his mind.

Owen from Torchwood is ready to rape Love, Actually‘s sister in front of everyone. Love, Actually tries to bargain with him, offering Owen a look into his future. “Torchwood’s not coming back…ever” Owen’s not happy with this news. Love, Actually tells Owen that Owen is going to die just time time for Jon and the rest of the Night’s Watch to start their attack. While Jon fights, the Six Fingered Man goes in Brann’s shack, ready to kidnap him. Brann does his possession thing and takes over Hodor’s body. The Six Fingered Man never stood a chance. Hodor choke slams the Six Fingered Man’s lifeless body into the snow. Brann calls for Jon, but Love, Actually talks Brann out of it, saying that Jon would never let Brann continue his journey.

It’s Snow vs. Owen! Jon has one big sword. Owen has two little ones What’s fun about Game of Thrones is that these fights really can go either way. No one is safe on the show. Owen fights dirty, but one of Kraster’s daughter-wives distracts Owen just long enough for Jon to put a sword through the back  of his throat and out his mouth. That has to be a weird feeling, seeing a new metal tongue coming out of your mouth right before you die.

One mutineer survived Jon’s attack on Kraster’s Keep. Unfortunately for him, Hodor freed Jon’s dire wolf on his way out of town and Ghost is hungry. Update: no mutineer’s survived Jon’s attack on Kraster’s Keep. Jon reunites with Ghost and tries to get Kraster’s daughter-wives to come back to Castle Black with them. The ladies decide to go out and make it on their own though, doing it their way, Laverne and Shirley style.


The episode ends with Kraster’s Keep burning to the ground.