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Game of Thrones – S4E6 – The Laws of Gods and Men – Recap

cersei iron throne game of thrones

Welcome to another recap of Game of Thrones. There are SPOILERS below for the episode, so if you haven’t seen it yet, read no further. I have not read the books, so please keep your comments to things that have happened in the show only! No spoilers for future events, please!

The episode opens with Stannis and his men sailing under a giant statue of a soldier in a kilt. What do they see when they look up? Whatever it was, it certainly seems to have put Stannis in a mood while he waits to see if his home loan was approved. Stannis has about as much luck at The Iron Bank as Magic Mike did. Too bad for Magic Mike, he didn’t have Davos, aka Captain Five Fingers, on his side. Captain Five Fingers certainly is loyal for a guy who used to be Captain Ten Fingers until Stannis came along. Having a guy whose fingers you cut off on your side apparently goes far with the Iron Bank.

In the baths, Davos’s pal, the pirate (who I want to call Pirate Steve for some reason that I can’t explain), is telling some naked girls a joke that I’m pretty sure George RR Martin (or this episode’s writer) stole from a joke book I read in the third grade. I’ve definitely heard that joke before, just like the girls who he’s telling it to have.

Ever wonder how Westorosians carry around all that pocket change they call money? It turns out it’s in those coin counters the dude at the arcade used to have.

coin belts

These guys know what’s up.

After Davos mentions the pirate’s wife in front of the naked girls, the pirate pal has the best line in the episode so far with “You’re not my friend, my friend.”

Lily Allen is sailing to free her brother Alfie Allen. Okay, I might have to explain this nickname. Alfie Allen plays Theon/Reek, so in my mind, since I can’t remember what Theon’s sister’s name is, this girl is now Lily Allen. Go with me here; there are a lot of characters. Lily Allen wants to free Theon and kill Rob Thomas, who we find out is really into being choked during sex. Lily Allen is stone cold street, taking out Rob Thomas’s men left and right as she quickly makes her way to Theon. Theon has been seriously brainwashed and does not want to go. This presents a problem for Lily Allen when Rob Thomas shows up with more men. I’m not sure if Rob got all those cuts from Lily Allen’s men or from that rough sex he was having. Either way, he’s in a good mood.  Lily Allen is one of the toughest characters on the show, so I was VERY surprised when he turns tail and runs without Theon.

Rob Thomas is happy with Reek for wanting to stay and wants to give him a reward. Reek, understandably, is wary of any “reward” coming his way from Rob Thomas. But the reward turns out to be a bath. Just a bath. No shenanigans. Wow, Theon’s body is covered in scars like Batman’s!

alex ross bruce wayne

Rob Thomas’s true motives are revealed when he tells Reek he wants him to infiltrate Theon’s family’s castle by “pretending to be someone you’re not…Theon Greyjoy.” Oh boy, this should be interesting.

One of Dany’s dragons spots a shepherd’s goats, aka lunch. Wow, these dragons have really gotten big! In case you didn’t know, dragons make amazing goat flambe. The shepherd complains to Dany, who does the right thing and gives the shepherd more than enough money for his dead goats. Dany sees another visitor, the son of one of the masters she nailed to post. They get into a philosophical debate on the rights and wrongs of nailing men to mile posts. But the guy really just wants to be able to bury his dad. Dany finds it in herself to at least agree to that. Dany’s got 212 more people to hear after this guy. To Dany’s credit, it sounds like she’s going to hear them all. Imagine being person #212 on that line. And you thought getting through to a live person at Time Warner Cable was rough.

Sexy Wil Wheaton only owns one shirt. That’s what I’m taking away from this next scene. The small council is meeting. Princess Low Cut’s dad both a) has no sense of humor and b) is a huge kiss ass. Oh, and c) kind of looks like a member of the Lollipop League from The Wizard of Oz. Varys brings up Dany to the small council’s attention. Is this the first time we’re hearing about Friend Zone formerly being a spy in Dany’s company for King’s Landing? I feel like that might have been addressed in season 1, but can’t remember.

After the meeting, Sexy Wil Wheaton walks in on Varys staring at the Iron Throne. Sexy Wil Wheaton has that awkward conversation you’ve probably had when you assume that one of your friends is gay and it turns out he isn’t. But Varys wasn’t into girls either. He’s more asexual, like Sheldon on The Big Bang Theory (also probably like that friend of yours). Varys pretty much hints he wants the throne. But c’mon, in the battle of trickiness, Varys is no Littlefinger. Agree, disagree?

Jaime pays Tyrion another visit. He’s there to escort Tyrion to his trial. When the door opens to the throne room, where the trial is taking place, it almost sounded like the interstitial thum-thum from Law and Order. Okay, maybe that was all in my head.

The tiral of Tyrion Lannister is underway! Someone calls out “Kingslayer!” when he walks in and I’m not sure if they’re talking to Tyrion or Jaime. “Who? Me? No, him? No, me? No, him? No, me. Me.” .

Side note, is Princess Low Cut wearing a bed sheet in court?

Tomlin excuses himself from hearing the case. Pussy. Tywin hears it instead. Tywin likes sitting in that throne. Westerosi courts aren’t like American courts in that the defense doesn’t seem able to do any cross examining. I’m no lawyer, but this seems to be a big advantage for the prosecution. Everyone the prosecution calls pretty much buries Tyrion, but what’d you expect when the witnesses are the Grand Maester, Cersei, etc.

Tywin lets Tyrion ask Varys one question. One! Come on, this isn’t a trial! It’s a shit show! Jaime agrees to my assessment and tries to bargain with daddy during recess in order to save his brother. Jaime tells Tywin that the last order the Mad King gave Jaime before Jaime killed him was to bring him Tywin’s head. Jaime gets the best line of the episode with his follow-up, “I saved your life so that you could murder my brother?” Jaime offers to get married to someone he’s not related to if Tywin spares Tyrion. Tywin agrees. Looks like Tyrion is heading to the Night’s Watch.

Jaime gives Tyrion the game plan. Tyrion doesn’t trust his dad, but he does trust Jaime.

Tywin REALLY likes sitting on that iron throne. Watch your back, Tomlin.

Things get really interesting when the prosecution calls…Shae! Awwwwwkwarrrrrd. Apparently, Shae never picked up that Tyrion was White Fanging her, because she totally throws Tyrion under the bus. Do they have buses in Westoros? No? Fine. Shae totally throws Tyrion under the horse cart.  Basically, everything that Shae can say to bury Tyrion she does say. Killed Joffrey? Yup. Stole poison? Yup. Wants to kill all the Lannisters? Yup. Bitches, man.

bitches man

Tyrion announces he wishes to confess. Then he announces that he should have let Stannis kill everyone here. Um, Tyrion, what about that confession? Tyrion confesses, not to poisoning the king, but to being a dwarf. Tyrion’s the best. Best line of the episode goes to Tyrion: “I didn’t kill Joffrey but I wish I had. Watching your bastard die gave me more relief than a thousand lying whores.” Great line, but not a great defense. After Tyrion riles up the crowd, Tywin orders him back to his cell. Knowing he won’t get any justice in the court, Tyrion announces he’ll let the gods decide his fate. He demands a trial by combat! Everyone is varying levels of shocked and intrigued. The episode ends with a stare down between Tywin and Tyrion. Oh damn. It. Is. On.

I can’t wait for Sunday’s episode, because I have so many questions. Will this be like the last time Tyrion was given a trial by combat up in the Aerie? Namely, does Tyrion get a champion? Will it be Bronn? Jaime? Jaime vs. Bronn? And if no champion, Tyrion vs. Jaime? Tyrion vs. Tywin? IS IT SUNDAY YET?????

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Game of Thrones – S4E2 – The Lion and the Rose – Recap

Wow. Seriously, Wow. Well, I definitely did not see that one coming. But I’m getting ahead of myself. As I mentioned last week, I have a hard time keeping track of everyone’s name on the show, and I don’t want to Google people’s names and risk seeing spoilers, so bear with me and my use of nicknames. I haven’t read the books, so I’ll only be talking about what’s on the show. If you have read the books, please be cool and don’t spoil future events in the show. Spoilers after this cool picture of Walter White sitting on the iron throne. bryan cranston game of thrones The episode starts out in the woods of Bolton country. Matchbox 20’s Robb Thomas is leading a hunting party after a blonde girl named Tansy. The hunting party is a brunette girl, Theon and two dogs trained by Michael Vick. Apparently they’re hunting Tansy because the brunette girl was jealous of her. It’s like Veronica’s sick fantasy about what do about Betty in an Archie comic. Betty/Tansy doesn’t make it. Pro tip: when being chased by hunting hounds, do not stop running. We cut to Tyrion and Jaime brunching together. Tyrion gives Cersei the best nickname, “The Mother of Madness.” Jaime laments that he can’t fight anymore, and can’t trust anyone to train him to fight left handed without someone blabbing. Tyrion says knows just the guy. Of course, we immediately cut to Best-Line Bronn, who is leading Jaime to a secluded platform by the cliffs to train him. And of course, Bronn lives up to his nickname when he explains to Jaime why he’s sure that no one will hear them while they’re training. Basically, this is where Bronn takes some big dude’s wife to have sex with her. She’s a loud one, and if no one can hear them banging each other, no one will hear a couple of swords banging together. Tyrion is the best, but Bronn might be my favorite character on the show. bronn s4e2

Back in the land of the Boltons, Robb Thomas welcomes his father (who I will now be calling Michael Bolton) home from killing Robb Stark. The guy who took Jaime’s hand is with the dad too. This guy really looks like Count Tyrone Rugen, the six fingered man from The Princess Bride. He even talks like him. I really hope he has six fingers, and that he’s giving Christopher Guest a kickback for this performance. I also really hope that Mandy Patankin is cast in an upcoming episode to dispatch this guy.  Michael Bolton is not happy that Robb Thomas tortured Theon into his current state. Poor Theon. One day you’re fingering your sister on horseback, the next day you’re the gimp from Pulp Fiction. Theon/Reek admits to Michael Bolton that he didn’t kill the Stark boys. Michael Bolton sends the six fingered man after the Stark kids. Question time. Is the last name Snow is Westoros similar to the last name Doe? Robb Thomas’s last name is Snow and he’s a bastard, just like John Snow. Is Snow just a way to denote someone as a bastard? Or are John and this guy possibly related? Varys tells Tyrion that Cersei knows about him and Shae, and that Cersei told their father, Tywin. If Tyrion doesn’t get Shae out of the country, she’s dead.  This leads to Tyrion White Fanging Shae. Cold, Tyrion. Stone cold.

Joffrey is having a breakfast party. Is it his birthday? No, wait, it’s his bachelor party. Tyrion gives him an oversized book delineating the history of four past kings. Joffrey thanks him while making a face that says, “Joffrey don’t read.” Tywin presents Joffrey with the second of the two swords he forged from the Stark’s sword last episode. Joffrey tests it out by chopping his new book in two. Fucking Joffrey. I’m convinced George R. R. Martin was bullied by a guy named Geoffrey growing up. Oh great, Smoky Vajayjay is back. I hate that red headed witch. She’s quite possibly my least favorite character on the whole show. Yeah, Joffrey’s awful, but lady is awful and pretentious. But really, she’s the worst. Every time she comes on screen, I’m thinking, “Here we go again.” She’s like that one friend you had back in the ’90s who was just a little too into Wicca.

smokey vajayjay

In case you don’t get her nickname…

Up north, Bran is still hanging in the woods with the kid from Love, Actually, Hodor, and that girl who kind of looks like a tall Bran. Bran tells Hodor to take him to the tree from the Wizard of Oz, the one with the face in it. Bran touches it and has a vision. And it is a werid-ass vision. A voice says “Look for me, beneath the tree. North,” while sees a bunch of images, including Ned Stark in jail, a zombie horse, the back of a man who looks like John Snow,  snow falling on the Iron Throne (see what they did there?), Bran himself falling out of the tower and some other weird stuff. Royal wedding time! Joffrey marries Princess Low Cut. She’s now Queen Low Cut. Crazy love triangles between Cersei, Jaime and Brianne, and then again with Jaime, Cersei and Loras. That dude who kinda looks Will Wheaton dressed as J. Lo, his girlfriend Slave Leia and Loras even have a love triangle going on, though this is the only love triangle in the episode that all three people look like they’re really into and have no problem with.  Joffrey needs to be Joffrey at the wedding, so he holds a five way midget joust. Joffrey is officially that douchey frat guy you met in college whose parents had too much money. It’s Lil’ Joffey, Lil’ Robb Stark, Lil’ Renley, Lil’ Stannis and Lil’ Balon Greyjoy in a battle royal.  This wedding is turning into who can Joffrey irk more, Sansa or Tyrion. After Lil’ Joffrey stands victorious, Joffrey order Tyrion to fight Lil’ Joffrey. Tyrion declines, saying Joffrey should show off those legendary fighting skills that has kept King’s Landing safe. Tyrion is smooth like Don Draper in this scene. Joffrey, being the annoying, overprivileged frat boy that he is, then pours his wine on Tyrion’s head, and has the balls to command Tyrion to refill his goblet. Joffrey wants a reaction out of Tyrion. Tyrion doesn’t give it to him. So Joffrey chucks his wine glass under the table and commands Tyrion to fetch it. Sansa bends down under the table and hands Tyrion the goblet. Just when it seems like it’s going to come to head between Joffrey and Tyrion, Queen Low Cut announces it’s time for pie.  Joffrey cuts the pie with his sword. Doves come flying out.  A few of the dove didn’t make it. I ain’t eating that dead dove pie.  Sansa wants to bounce. Tyrion too. They try to exit, stage right.  Joffrey has other ideas and wants Uncle Tyrion to bring him more wine. Tyrion retrieves Joffrey’s goblet from Grandma’s table. Man, grandma is really looking intently at that wine goblet.

grandma and the wine

And that’s when shit gets real! Joffrey starts coughing and drops dead! Ho. Lee. Shit.  Did that just happen? The baddest bad guy in Westeros is dead? Wow! Oh crap, does this mean more scenes with Smokey Vajayjay? Ugh… dead joffrey

Who killed Mr. Burns Joffrey??? Obviously, it wasn’t Tyrion. He looked as surprised as anyone, and come on, we’ve all seen enough episodes of Law & Order to know it’s never the first suspect. I’ve got four leading candidates for the identity of the murderer.

  1. Sansa – Boy, does she have motive. And she had oppurtunity as well, when she bent down to pick up the wine cup under the table. You can see her free hand pass over the cup before she hands it to Tyrion. But why would she be carrying poison on her? To off herself on the night of Joffrey’s wedding? That sounds Sansa-like. She’s been talking suicide for awhile, but maybe seeing Lil’ Robb Stark get “decapitated” was enough for her to decide to share her poison. And the Jester was keen on getting Sansa out of there in a hurry when the shit hit the fan.
  2. Grandma – She clearly doesn’t like what she’s heard about the way Joffrey treats women, and she loves her granddaughter. Joffrey takes a sip of his wine after Sansa handled it, and was fine. He then puts his goblet down on Grandma’s table when it’s time for pie. That pie scene provided plenty of misdirection for Grandma to lace his wine.
  3. Wil Wheaton dressed as J. Lo – This dude clearly has motive. His sister died in the sacking of King’s Landing, which the Lannisters played a huge part in. Could he have poisoned Joffrey? But if he did, how? He was seated far away. Maybe the wine wasn’t poisoned at all. Joffrey was the only one to try the pie.

    wil wheaton red viper

    Wil Wheaton – Red Viper

  4. Tywin – If Joffrey dies, Joffrey’s little brother is next in line for succession. Tywin doesn’t need the title of king, as long as he had the power. Joffrey immediately showed that he wouldn’t be his uncle’s puppet, and Tywin’s already hinted that he has no problem killing his own children if they got in his way. Forbidden lovechild grandson never stood a chance. The thing is, though, why give Joffrey that new bitchin’ Valyrian steel sword for his wedding if Tywin was planning on killing him only hours later. I guess it does make for a good alibi, if it turns out that he is the killer. 

Out of the four, I’m leaning towards Grandma and/or Tywin being behind Joffrey’s death. Don’t trust anyone over 30, kids.

If you’ve read the books, and know who killed Joffrey, please keep that information to yourself! Comments and theories are welcome below, but please avoid spoilers of future events on the show.