Hi everyone and welcome back to Tuesday Night Movies’s recaps of Game of Thrones. Sorry for the delay between entries. I was vacationing in Portugal and Spain, and am now playing a bit of catch up.

In this recap, you can expect to find SPOILERS for this episode and previous episodes, but no SPOILERS of future events. I haven’t read the books. If you have read the books, I simply ask that you please keep any spoilers of future events in the show to yourself. Thanks!

SPOILERS for Oathkeeper follow after this photo of Littlefinger sitting atop the Iron Throne.

The episode begins with the captain of the Unsullied (Grey One? Grey Worm?) being tutored in Westerosi as a Second Language from Dany’s Executive Assistant/Head Fly Girl. I get the feeling that despite him being a eunuch, he’s hot for teacher. After his tutoring session ends, he leads a team of Unsullied into a union meeting held by the local slave chapter. Things aren’t going well for the “Let’s revolt” side until Dany’s men drop bags and bags of swords at the slaves’ feet. It’s amazing how bags of swords can sway a vote.

After the successful slave revolt, Dany decides to match the number of children the slave masters nailed to mile posts with the slave masters themselves. Why did the slave masters nail those children to the posts in the first place? Was it to show Dany how little they considered the slaves? To show her their strength as masters? As a warning as to what they’d do to her?

Wow, Dany standing atop the temple surveying her new city looks like History Channel level CGI. What’s up with that, HBO?

This actually looks better here than it did on my TV screen.

Jaime, aka Westeros’s first Cyborg, is training with Best Line Bronn. It’s a pretty even sparring match until Bronn beats Jaime with Jaime’s own metal hand. Bronn is too cool. No joke, I would totally watch a Jaime and Bronn buddy knight spinoff show. After the sparring match, Bronn uses his secret Jewish-mother guilt power to get Jaime to visit his imprisoned brother Tyrion.

The scene with Jaime and Tyrion in Tyrion’s cell might be my favorite scene this episode that didn’t involve Jaime being hit with his own hand. The dialogue here is so good that you’d think Bronn was in the scene.  “Are you really asking if I killed your son?” “Are you really asking if I’d kill my brother?” This scene is too good!

Sansa is on Littlefinger’s boat. Littlefinger tells Sansa he’s marrying her Aunt, the one who never stops breastfeeding. Sansa confronts Littlefinger about his involvement in killing Joffrey. This scene is all about how Joffrey died. Ryan Broderick wrote an excellent play by play for Buzzfeed on how exactly Joffrey died. I definitely recommend checking that out. It completely matches up with the explanation given in this scene and the next scene. Littlefinger is so much more cunning than Tommy Carcetti and it really shows in this scene. Seriously, this scene establishes Littlefinger as the most dangerous man in Westeros. His explanation on keeping his enemies (and friends) in the dark reminded me of Heath Leger’s monologue as the Joker in The Dark Knight.

Littlefinger doesn’t say outright who his “new friends” are who wanted Joffrey dead, but he’s saying this in voiceover as we see Princess Low Cut and Grandma walking in a garden. If you didn’t catch on by this point that Grandma’s in on it, that’s on you. But just so it’s clear for everyone, Grandma confesses brags to Princess Low Cut about her hand in Joffrey’s death. Grandma’s got a past. She stole her own sister’s intended husband by using her Grandmotherly vajayjay. Princess Low Cut giggles just a little too much while her Grandma goes in depth about her night of passion with Princess Low Cut’s grandfather. I’ll take Conversations No One Has Ever Had With Their Grandmother for $800, Alex.

Up at The Wall, the Six Fingered Man has joined the crew. I like that those scars on his face are from when Inigo Montoya cuts him in Prince Humperdink’s castle.

The Six Fingered Man makes nice with John Snow. When he shakes Snow’s hand, I tried counting the number of fingers on his hand, but the angle wasn’t right.

Jaime visits Cercei and there’s no mention of Jaime forcing himself on his sister when we last saw these two together. Cercei is back in ice queen mode. She’s also drinking a lot. Cercei questions Jaime’s loyalty vis-ais his being let go by the Starks. Cercei is also pissed that Jaime hasn’t gotten around to killing Tyrion yet. Cercei wants more guards on Tomlin, her other son with Jaime. Tomlin is next in line for the thrown. She then dismisses Jaime without even a little bit of sisterly nookie.

Tomlin, aka “Not all of us inbred children are crazy. See?” is lying in bed. Princess Low Cut wanders in, as low cut as ever. I’m guessing Jaime didn’t get around to posting extra guards. Princess Low Cut, isn’t this kid like 10? That makes this scene kind of gross. Not as gross as a brother raping his sister at the feet of their dead son’s body, but it’s up there.

When I heard that the title of the episode was Oathkeeper, I worried for Tyrion. I couldn’t remember if Jaime, Mr. Oathbreaker/Kingslayer made a vow to his sister/lover, Cercei, to kill his brother/best part of the show, Tyrion. Thankfully, Oathkeeper turned out to be the name that Lady Brienne gives the sword that Jaime “The Regifter” Lannister gives her when he sends her out on a quest to find and keep safe Sansa Stark. Jaime also gives Brienne some really sweet armor. This doesn’t look like a regifting, but who can say with The Regifter, especially when he follows this by regifting Tyrion’s squire to Brienne. Can you regift your brother’s stuff? Especially if it’s a person? Only if you’re Jaime Lannister. Now that is one longing gaze from Jaime when Brienne rides off. 

Up at Castle Black, Sam has come to the conclusion that was wildly apparent to everyone in the audience a couple of weeks ago, namely that leaving Gilly at the best little whorehouse in the north wasn’t a good idea. He wants to go get her, but Jon Snow talks him out of it. Jon realizes that his kid brother Brann might be at Kraster’s Keep at the exact same time that Jon’s asshole boss tells Jon it’s okay for him to grab some brothers and take out the mutineers at Kraster’s Keep. Synergy, I tell you. The men who volunteer to go with Jon are really good at volunteering one at a time. There’s no awkward two guys getting up at the same time. They must drill volunteering at meetings on a regular basis at Castle Black. Surprise, surprise, the Six Fingered Man volunteers.

Up at Kraster’s Keep, Owen from Torchwood and his merry mutineers are  getting drunk and raping women. They’re like the lacrosse fraternity of Westeros. All they need are some backwards white baseball caps. Owen finds out about Kraster giving his male babies to the White Walkers, and the ladies in Kraster’s Keep get super creepy chanting “The gift of the gods” in unison over and over. There’s nothing like women chanting in unison for you to get you to sacrifice a baby to a bunch of ice zombies.

I liked you so much better in Torchwood.

We check in on Brann, Hodor and company. They hear the sacrificed baby crying, so they’re right by Kraster’s. Brann possesses his dire wolf in order to get a looksie. He finds  Ghost, Jon’s wolf, locked up and captured. Brann’s crew quickly figures out these guys are not Night’s Watch anymore…almost as quickly as they get caught by the mutinous Night’s Watchmen. They haze Hodor. It must be pledge week.  Owen threatens all of them, taking a knife to the neck of the girl who kind of looks like Brann. He keeps yelling “Who are ya?” at her. I’m wondering the same thing. Does this girl have a name? When Brann says who he is, Owen’s top man, the guy who looks like he won his part in a “Who Wants to Be on Game of Thrones?” contest in his local comic book store, says that Brann is Jon Snow’s brother. This keeps Brann and company alive…for now.

A pale rider on a zombie horse is carrying the sacrificed baby and riding to…Snake Mountain? He puts the baby on an ice alter. Another White Walker, this one who seems to have a crown growing out of his head, strolls over and picks up the baby. When he touches the baby, the baby’s eyes go ice blue like a White Walker’s. Wait, is this how White Walkers are made? Don’t answer that. I can wait to find out on the show.

And then the episode ends. Huh, I always thought of the White Walkers as arctic zombies, but I’ve clearly been underestimating them. They’re not mindless. And they’re powerful, not just physically.