When last we left Clone Club, Sarah was in the midst of getting kidnapped by Men in Black (and made to drive his car) when a large truck came crashing into the passenger side.
It turns out that truck was driven by none other than grizzly beefcake Cal. Sarah is okay but Men in Black appears to be dead. Cal wants to call the cops, but Sarah insists on no cops. Instead she decides to artfully hide the car with some tree branches. ‘Cause, sure, that looks like a totally natural car-shaped bush on the side of the road.
Sarah tells Cal that she and Kira are going to leave, but Cal says he’s invested now and asks her to tell him what’s going on. Later we see the three of them take off in Cal’s camper.
Kira wins for most understanding neglected child ever. Photo by Steve Wilkie.
Back at Ranch Prolethean, we see Helena coming out of her sedative stupor. She’s still in her wedding dress and is clearly creeped out by the ring on her finger and her new, unasked for “family.”
Still in her character shoes, we see Alison waking up after her disastrous musical performance with her arm in a sling. She then proceeds to throw up. When someone walks into her room, she thinks she’s in the DYAD Institute and demands to see Dr. Leekie. But, as it turns out, Alison is somewhere much worse: rehab.
Back at Ranch Prolethean, Art is taking photos from the outside while, inside, one of Big Love’s wives tells him that she doesn’t think he should’ve brought Helena there.
In the camper, Sarah tells Cal that Men In Black is working for a corporation. Cal asks her if she’s scamming corporations now. She has Men In Black’s phone and gets a text from Rachel on it. She sends one back as him, thinking that as long as Rachel thinks Men in Black is alive, she won’t send anyone after her.
Back at Ranch Keeps-Getting-Creepier, Big Love’s Emma Stone-lookalike daughter Gracie tries to suffocate Helena with a pillow. Unfortunately, Gracie doesn’t seem to know that clones, much like Goonies, never say die. When Helena stops struggling, Gracie walks away—a song in her heart, a spring in her step. Until Helena comes up from behind and places her in a chokehold. And the moral of the story is: this is what happens when you live in a commune without cable, and you’ve never seen a horror movie, Gracie.
Helena runs downstairs and immediately gets a flashback to Big Love and Mark performing what looks like a gynecological procedure on her. While escaping the ranch, she runs by Art. And when the men of the Ranch come after her, Art manages to hold them up.
Sarah skypes with Cosima in her camper, while Kira and Cal share some daddy-daughter bonding time just outside. Sarah shows Cosima the photo with Project LEDA written on the back and Cosima tells Sarah the Greek myth of Leda, and how her twin kids with Zeus were half-human and half-god. Cosima also theorizes that the military guy in the back of the photo might mean that the military might be involved. Sarah decides her next plan is to find Mrs. S. since she seems to hold the key to the mystery.
Speaking of Mrs. S., we find out she wants to head to London go find somebody, only to find out that the person in question recently arrived in Canada.
In rehab, Alison talks to Felix and tells him that Donnie put her there. But Felix explains that she had to sign herself into rehab. He says it might not be a bad idea for her to stay for a week and recuperate.
Daddy-daughter time seems to have convinced Sarah that Kira is totally safe with the father she met about twenty minutes ago. She decides to leave her with him while she goes on the hunt for Mrs. S. Cal gets the name of the DYAD corporation out of her first.
Annnnd….Men in Black isn’t dead. And ain’t no branches on a car holding him down. Oh no. He’s got to keep on moving.
Mrs. S. goes to a bar where she meets, and then proceeds to make out with, the mysterious Carlton. Until now, Mrs. S.’s name and matriarchal role strongly reminded me of Mrs. Garrett from The Facts of Life. Until this sex-by-the-bathroom-door-scene made me feel super dirty about it. Thanks for that, OB.
The Facts of Life just got a whole lot more PG-13. Photo by Jan Thijs.
Meanwhile, Sarah is at Mrs. S.’s where she is joined by Felix in his best burglarizing outfit, knitted ski cap and all.
Back at rehab, we see Alison peeing in front of her sponsor, before Donnie comes in and threatens to take away her children if she doesn’t stay for the entire rehab program as opposed to the one week of recuperation that she agreed on with Felix.
At Mrs. S.’s, Felix and Sarah find photos and newspaper clippings of Carlton—because Mrs. S. is apparently a hardcore scrapbooker when it comes to her lovahs/human smugglers. Sarah reveals that Carlton is the one who brought her to Mrs. S. Sarah and Felix also find clips with the two scientists in the Project LEDA photo. Their last name is Duncan…like Rachel’s. Sarah wonders if Mrs. S. has known about the clones the whole time.
Speaking of, we find Mrs. S. post-coital questioning Carlton about who LEDA is, but Carlton says he doesn’t know. She ominously says they need to stop Sarah from digging.
Back at Mrs. S.’s, Sarah teaches Felix the first rule of war: know your enemy. She tells Felix to bring the clippings they found to Cosima and have her investigate. As they go to leave Mrs. S.’s house, we find out that someone has been hiding in the closet the whole time.
Some time later, and Sarah has managed to get Rachel’s assistant to let her into Rachel’s apartment. Calling Cosima, she finds out about the scientific work of Susan and Ethan Duncan who are—as suspected—Rachel’s adoptive parents. As Cosima says, that would make Rachel the only self-aware clone. While this conversation is happening, Sarah snoops around Rachel’s apartment and finds old home videos and a closet full of men’s clothing…mostly suits. (dun dun dun)
Someone comes into the apartment…it’s Men in Black and Sarah has to hide. She hears him call Leekie and say that he will find Sarah and find out what she knows…gently. Sarah tries to escape but MIB confronts her with a gun. Going off the conversation she just heard with Leekie, Sarah taunts MIB that he’s not allowed to shoot her. MIB confirms that’s true, and then punches her out.
When Sarah comes to, she is tied up in the shower and being interrogated by MIB who wants to know who is in the Project LEDA photo and where she got it. Sarah says she knows that he is seeing Rachel and is, therefore, her monitor—something she’s planning on telling Rachel. MIB takes a razor and starts sharpening it on a belt. “What makes you think you’d be able to talk after I’m done with you?” he asks. He starts to cut into her ear before loud music starts to play from the other room.
On the upside, It’ll be easier to tell them apart if one of them is missing an ear. Photo by Steve Wilkie.
We hear a fight happening and MIB goes down…possibly for good but who knows with this guy. And then emerges Helena, like a beautiful, deranged butterfly. Sarah starts freaking out since she was positive that she killed her twin last season (obviously, she doesn’t know about Helena’s reversed internal organs). However, Helena doesn’t seem interested in extracting revenge for her sister’s attempted murder. Instead, she says she needs Sarah’s help because “I think he took something from inside of me.”
As suspected, back at Ranch Prolethean, we see Big Love looking at something through a microscope. Lo and behold…it’s a zygote. “A new life begins,” Big Love says.
This Episode’s Clone MVP: I gotta give it to Helena, for sheer survival skills and for making a long-sleeved wedding dress straight off of your mother-in-law’s porcelain doll collection look somehow badass.
Our Clone MVP: making crazy look good.
Best Line Delivered by Felix: “Cosima and Delphine are involved in some kind of transgressive lesbian geek spiral bound to end in tears.”
Best Line Delivered by a Character Other Than Felix: “Straight out of cold bitch digest.” – Sarah, commenting on Rachel’s interior design tastes.
