June 17, 2014 by Billy Henehan

Game of Thrones – S4E10 – The Children – Recap

Well, here we are. Episode 10. The end of the line. As always, this recap will have spoilers for this episode. If you have not yet watched episode 10, The Children, I recommend watching it first and coming back. I’m terrible with names, so please forgive my use of nicknames. Also, I haven’t read the books, so if you have, I ask that you please keep future spoilers regarding the show to yourself. Thanks!

At the end of the episode 9, I wondered if that would be the last we see of Jon Snow until season 5. But episode 10 picks up with Jon Snow immediately. Jon marches straight to the Wildling camp. He’s not there to fight; he’s there to talk to the Head Wildling in Charge. Unlike Red Beard, the HWiC doesn’t care about fighting the crows. He just wants to get his people on the other side of the wall, because winter is coming and it’s coming fast. I’m starting to realize that winter = horde of undead ice zombies. He promises that his men won’t cause any trouble if they’re allowed through the other side of the wall. This kind of throws Jon, who is there to assassinate him.

Jon and HWiC drink to each side’s dead. Jon doesn’t trust the drink at first, but HWiC points out that if he wanted Jon dead, he’d be dead already without having to resort to poison. Just as it seems that Jon and HWiC will either come to a truce or Jon will attempt to kill him, a huge phalanx rolls into camp on horseback.

The army cuts through any and all Wildling resistance. HWiC has his men stand down; they’ve lost enough recently. I won’t lie; I had no idea whose army this was. The reveal comes, and it’s…Stannis. Jon does a good job of (literally) keeping his head while talking to Stannis, pointing out that his father died trying to get Stannis properly put on the throne. Stannis wants HWiC to kneel before him and swear fealty. HWiC is fine with siding with Stannis, but is quick to point out that he and his people don’t kneel.

In King’s Landing, Cersei, the grand maester, and junior maester are standing over the Mountain. Amazingly, the Mountain didn’t die in his battle against Inigo Montoya, but he’s close to it. The grand maester doesn’t approve of junior maester’s tactics in trying to revive the Mountain. Junior maester is basically Miracle Max from The Princess Bride. Man, GRRM really loves himself some Princess Bride. I’m adding “Watch The Princess Bride with George R. R. Martin” to my bucket list.

Cersei meets with Tywin. She gives him an ultimatum. Cancel her wedding to Princess Low Cut’s brother or she reveals the truth about her own children’s parentage. Tywin does not want to hear this, but what dad does want to hear about his children also being lovers? Happy Father’s Day, Tywin.

Cersei then goes to Jaime, who is still pissed at her about Tyrion’s upcoming death sentence. Cersei doesn’t even consider Tyrion human, referring to him as the monster who killed their mother, and compares him to a disease that a needs to be eradicated from the body. Jaime isn’t liking this. Cersei then tells Jaime about the ultimatum that she gave Tywin. Jaime is shocked, but suddenly is also in a much better mood.

Dany is in her throne room, listening to more subjects. One man wants to be a slave again. Dany’s not a fan of the idea, but compromises and says he can return to his master’s employ as long as his master gives him a fair contract. Another subject enters the throne room. The dragons are behaving badly again, but this time it wasn’t goats that were burnt to a crisp, it was this guy’s daughter. Dany’s not happy. She chains up two of the dragons in the catacombs. I expect the third to meet the same fate when it returns.

At the wall, the old, Tagaryen maester is presiding over a funeral for the fallen men. They’re being burnt. I believe this prevents them from returning as zombies. Jon is there. He sees the Red Witch through the flames of the funeral pyre and they hold each other’s gaze. I wonder why this scene with the two of them was put in here. Will she factor into Jon’s story next season? Could she be Jon’s as yet unidentified mother?

Jon meets with Red Beard, who tells Jon that Red loved him. Jon doesn’t believe it, but Red Beard says that all Red ever talked about was killing Jon. That’s how he knew she loved Jon. Red Beard asks Jon to take Red’s body north of the wall and burn her, which Jon does. Jon has a solitary funeral for Red and burns her body. Man, I wish she lived, but happy endings in Game of Thrones are even less common than happy endings in The Walking Dead.

Also north of the Wall, Hodor and the kids have found the God’s Wood from Brann’s vision. As they make their way to the tree, zombie hands pop out of the ground. One grabs the kid from Love, Actually. More pop out of the ground and attack. Brann possesses Hodor in order to fight back. All of a sudden, zombies start bursting into flames. The kids and Hodor are saved by a girl I’m calling Lil’ Terminator. She tells them, “Come with me or die.” Love, Actually doesn’t make it, but everyone else escapes. They burn his body. Lil’ Terminator brings them to the last Knight Templar from Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, who lives inside the tree. They chose…wisely.

Brienne and Pod encounter Arya and the Hound. Brienne compliments Arya’s choice of Needle as the name for her sword. Brienne pleads with Arya to come with her. Arya isn’t interested. The Hound says Arya’s fine with him. Arya seems to agree. Brienne and the Hound fight. Oh man, this isn’t going to end in a tie, is it? That’s too bad, because I really like both these characters. The fight is vicious! Brienne totally Mike Tyson’s the Hound! She even spits his ear out like Tyson. Brienne wins the fight, leaving the Hound for dead, but she can’t find Arya. Once Brienne leaves, Arya comes out of hiding. The Hound asks Arya to kill him. He’s mortally wounded and would prefer to die quickly. He points out that he is on Arya’s list of people to kill. Arya takes his coin purse and leaves him to die on his own. Coldddddddddd bloodedddddddddddd!

In King’s Landing, Jaime breaks Tyrion free! Yes! Am I getting my Tyrion and Jaime road-buddy spin off? No, it turns out, I’m not. Jaime is staying. Tyrion is about to escape the castle, but decides to double back and check in on his dad’s room to wish him a Happy Father’s Day…and finds Shae lying in Tywin’s bed. She even calls out to Tywin, asking if that’s him coming back to bed, and uses her nickname for Tyrion, “My Lion,” to refer to Tywin. What. The. Fuck? I remember saying when last season was coming to an end, “If they kill Shae, I’ll riot.” But now, fuck Shae. She sucks. Tyrion must feel the same way, as he strangles her to death in the bed. Fucking Shae, the courthouse testimony was one thing, but this? This is fucked up.

Tyrion grabs a crossbow and looks for dear old dad. He finds Tywin not on the Iron Throne, but on the porcelain throne. Not Tywin’s best moment, for sure. First he has to deal with constipation, and now he’s got a crossbow pointed at him. Tyrion wants to know why Tywin slept with Shae, and Tywin isn’t even apologetic, basically using “She’s a whore” as his defense. Tywin wants to get up and talk about this calmly with Tyrion. But Tyrion’s done talking. He puts two crossbow bolts in Tywin, leaving his dad’s dead body on the shitter. Happy Father’s Day, Tywin.

Tyrion meets up with Varys. Tyrion goes in box. Box goes on boat. Varys hears the city alarm and Varys also goes on boat. Boat sets sail. Momma Varys didn’t raise no fool.

Arya rides alone. She tries to get passage on a ship, but is denied. When the captain mentions Braavos, she produces her coin of the faceless man and tells the captain, “Vallar morghulis.” The captain is clearly surprised, and gives her a room on the ship. Is this ship heading to Braavos or the North?

And that’s it. Season four is over. I hope you’ve enjoyed reading these recaps as much as I’ve enjoyed writing them, as they have been very fun to write. I’ll be back with more Game of Thrones recaps once Season 5 starts. Like many of you, I’m already going through Game of Thrones withdrawal and not looking forward to having to wait nearly a year again for more new episodes. Until next time, vallar morghulis, everyone.

June 8, 2014 by Billy Henehan

Game of Thrones – S4E9 – The Watchers on the Wall

Hi there, and welcome to another Game of Thrones recap. This recap has many spoilers for season 4, episode 9, The Watchers on the Wall. If you haven’t seen the episode yet, come back after you have. I’d hate to be the one to spoil things for you. A small caveat to new readers: forgive my use of nicknames. I use them to keep track of characters whose names I don’t remember. I have not read the books. If you have read the books, I ask that you not spoil future events on the show for those of us who haven’t. Okay, on with the recap!

It’s all Wall this episode. Wall to wall Wall, perhaps?

Last week, I wondered when we’d get to see the Wildlings attacking the Wall. I figured it would have to happen during the two last episodes or the onset of it would happen at the very last scene of the season. I didn’t think they they’d devote a whole episode to the Wildling attack. I’m not complaining. Yes, this episode was basically one giant fight scene, but it was one giant, AWESOME fight scene.

The fight doesn’t start immediately. At the start of the episode, Jon and Sam are atop the Wall on watch. Sam is pestering Jon to find out what sex is like. He figures since they’re all going to die in this Wildling attack, he’ll never find out for himself. Jon tries to play it off, but man, Sam will really not let this go. Jon tells Sam to get some sleep.

At the Wildling camp, Jon’s ex girl, Red, is ready to kill. Big Bald Scarface calls her out, saying that she’s still soft for Jon Snow. But Red says that not only will she kill Jon, but she’ll kill anyone who tries to kill him first. Unbeknownst to them, Gilly…or someone else up there holding a baby…sneaks past them.

Maester Heyman (sp?) walks in on Sam in the library. This maester is blind, right? Just checking. He looks blind. Sam’s looking something up. Oh, he’s looking up what Wildlings do when they kill people. Hasn’t Sam seen Wildlings in the flesh before? Does he really need to look this up? Maester Heyman says his real name is Eamon Targaryan. Whattttt? Did we know this already? So, he’s Dany’s great uncle, right? Was he the one who Grandma told Princess Low Cut about wooing back in the day?

Hey, that girl sneaking past the Wildlings before, it is Gilly! She’s trying to get in the gate, but the guy guarding the gate isn’t having it. Lucky for her, Sam is wandering by at this same moment. Basically, Sam gets the guy to open the gate by cursing. The guy’s never heard Sam curse before. Gilly’s inside. Sam takes her and the baby off somewhere to hide.

Up on the Wall, horns are blowing. Get ready for Fight Night, everyone. There’s an owl on the Wall. A bald Wildling is seeing through the owl, using the same trick Brann does. Baldy wakes up and says it’s time.

There are a few inspiring speeches this episode. Jon’s Jerk Boss gets to make one here. The guy’s a dick during peacetime, but he knows how to handle things once the firing starts. His troops are beyond nervous, but he barks them into line.

Sam stows Gilly in the meat locker. Gilly doesn’t want Sam to leave, but Sam gets all John Wayne on her and tells her that a man’s got to do what a man’s got to do (Alternatively, you could say he got all Dr. Horrible on her based on that line). Gilly and Sam kiss before Sam goes off to save the day.

Sam patrols with another crow that makes Sam look like the bravest man in Westeros. But sure enough, Sam talks up some courage into this coward.

Red spies the entrance to Castle Black and reports back. The Wildlings douse their campfire and rush the south gate. The huge Wildling army emerges from the treeline near the Wall. Whoa, they’ve got giants riding mammoths! Correction: they have one giant riding one mammoth, and another giant standing nearby. Still, that’s two giants and a mammoth. They’re all 3/3 and the mammoth has trample. Sorry, I was just flashing back to playing Magic: The Gathering in high school.

As the Wildlings attack the southern gate, Jon’s Jerk Boss leaves the Wall to confront them. Once he hits the courtyard, he gives another inspiring speech. This guy really is great in wartime. I kind of feel bad for not knowing his name and only referring to him as Jon’s Jerk Boss.

Red Beard takes out a bunch of crows as he makes it over the gate. Sam and his new cowardly friend retreat as everyone else there dies.

Up on the Wall, Jerk Face’s Second is freaking out. Jon’s BBFF (Bearded Best Friend Forever) tricks him into going down to the courtyard, leaving Jon in charge. Jon gets to shine here. He’s a natural leader and calm under immense pressure. The men shoot arrows and drop barrels Donkey Kong style on the Wildlings below.

Whoa! Giants shoot giant arrows, big enough to smash through a platform and send a man impaled on an arrow into the courtyard below. I guess I shouldn’t be so surprised that a giant would have a giant bow that shot giant arrows, but yes, I was surprised during that scene. That was one of the coolest scenes of the whole episode.

Sam’s new friend takes out one of the Wildlings with a crossbow. He’s psyched. It’s his first kill. Sam’s reaction is great. He deadpans, “Is it over? Well then.” His friend gets the message and lines up another shot…but is taken out with an arrow through the neck by Red. Damn, Red looks so bad ass when they show her here. She’s like a small, red headed, female John Rambo.

Red Beard and Jon’s Jerk Boss fight. It’s a good fight. Red Beard gets the better of him, but not before Jerk Boss gets some good shots in. Some crows manage to help the injured Jerk Boss escape with his life as he yells for his men to hold the gate.

Sam stays with his new bud until he dies. He then makes his way to the elevator to the top of the wall. A Wildling charges him, but Sam drops him with a crossbow bolt. The kid elevator operator is freaking out. Sam manages to calm him down and tells the kid to find a weapon and fight. The kid spies a bow.

Jon is surprised to see Sam atop the Wall. Sam gives him news of below. Jon puts another guy in charge and heads down. It’s kind of funny how quickly being in charge of the Wall’s top is being passed from man to man. This new guy in charge gets possibly the best line of the episode when he says, “Might as well enjoy our last night, right boys? Light the fuckers up!”

The two giants are getting ready to hitch their mammoth to the gate. The crows drop flaming barrels on the giants. Someone has really been studying his Donkey Kong. If the giants had read up on Donkey Kong tactics, they would have known to have a hammer on hand to take out these barrels. Side note, mammoths REALLY do not like being set on fire. Who knew?

One giant goes after the mammoth. That giant dies from the business end of a crow spear. The other giant is so pissed about his mammoth being on fire and his buddy being dead that he gets that crazy mom strength, you know, like when a mom can lift a car off her child, and lifts the gate up on his lonesome. Jon sends his BBFF and some men to hold the inner gate from that giant. They reach the inner gate just as the giant has made it past the outer gate. The giant charges them and the inner gate. They’re scared, but BBFF gets them fired up by having them chant their oaths.

Jon sends Sam to free Ghost. Jon tears through four Wildlings before the other crows even leave the elevator. As Sam runs from one side of the castle to another to free Ghost, we get a very cool, extended long shot that shows all the fighting going on in the castle, highlighting all the major players. Once free, Ghost tears through the Wildlings. I want a dire wolf so bad.

Big Bald Scarface spots Jon and it’s on. Man, they both want each other dead. This is another very cool one on one fight. During this fight, Red runs out of arrows. She scampers around, grabbing some. Scarface gains the advantage when he knocks Jon’s sword from his hand. Red spots Jon and Big Bald Scarface fighting. BBS slams Jon into an anvil face first and then throws him through a fire. Just when it looks like Jon might be done, Jon picks up a hammer and slams it into Scarface’s head. Pure Donkey Kong Playbook, my friends.

Red confronts Jon. She kneels 10 feet from him, with an arrow trained on him. Jon smiles at her. The briefest hint of a smile crosses her face before an arrow goes through her heart. Jon’s shocked. It’s that kid elevator operator, the one whom Sam told to get a weapon and fight who shot her. Red’s dying. Jon holds her. She says they should have stayed in that cave. Jon tries to comfort her by saying they’ll go back there. She says, “You know nothing Jon Snow,” and dies. “You know nothing, Jon Snow” is the “As you wish” of Game of Thrones. Despite the battle raging around him, Jon holds her one last time. Man, I was really hoping these two kids would get out of this together, like two young lovers in a Bruce Springsteen song.

Atop the Wall, the guy in charge yells for the men to “Drop the scythe!” Holy crap, that scythe is cool. It’s basically a giant metal ax on a chain that swings down, cleaving the ice on the Wall and everything else in its wake. After this, the Wildlings retreat. But as the guy in charge points out, the Wildlings still outnumber them 1,000 to 1.

Down below, Red Beard is full of arrows, but still raging. Jon tries to reason with him, but Red Beard still wants to fight. Like a scene out of Raiders of the Lost Ark, Red Beard swings his sword in defiance and Jon shoots him with a crossbow. Jon orders that Red Beard be locked up.

Sam and Gilly reunite. They’re totally going to do it.

The next day, the crows are cleaning up. Jon and Sam are walking together. Sam’s more upbeat than Jon is. I think Sam got some. Jon tells Sam his plan, which is find the Wildling commander, the one who organized all these war parties together, and kill him. Sam tells him it’s a bad idea, so Jon asks him if he has a better one. One their way to the gate, they find the body of BBFF, the other crows and the giant. Damn, I liked BBFF. But they held the line. Jon tells Sam to get some men and burn their dead brothers’ bodies. Once they reach the gate, Jon asks Sam to watch his sword, since he promised he wouldn’t lose it again. Why isn’t Jon taking Ghost with him? Ghost survived the battle, right? Ghost is not allowed to die off camera! Jon exits the gate, resigned to his fate. Sam tells him to come back alive.

One episode to go this season! I wonder if we’ll see Jon again next episode or if his story won’t pick up again until Season 5. Man, this has really been a great season!

June 5, 2014 by Billy Henehan

Game of Thrones – S4E8 – The Mountain and the Viper – Recap

This recap contains spoilers about Game of Thrones season 4 through episode 8, so if you’re not caught up, come back when you are. Comments are always welcome, however, I have not read the books, so if you have, please keep your knowledge of future events on the show to yourself. Thanks!

The episode starts at the best little whorehouse north of the wall, the one where Sam left Gilly. Things aren’t going well for Gilly. She’s trying to keep her head down, but one of the tougher looking whores (and local burp contest champion) gets in her face about her baby crying. Gilly’s saved from having to brawl with the Burp Queen by the arrival of the giant Wildling army. Okay, maybe saved isn’t the right word. The Wildlings literally cut through the entire town and whore house, killing everyone in sight. The ceilings are dripping blood from the floors above. Amazingly, this would not be the grossest visual in this episode.

Lucky for Gilly and her son, it’s Jon Snow’s ex who finds her hiding in a closet. Seeing the baby, she lets Gilly and her baby live. Man, you take the girl out of Dowling Gardens, but you can’t take the Dowling Gardens out of the girl…

At Castle Black, Sam is seriously distraught. He believes Gilly dead after the attack, and is inconsolable. One of his brother crows points out that Gilly has survived everything from Craster to a White Walker, so maybe she’s alive. This is enough to get Sam out of his funk. I wonder how much longer this Wildling army bit will be drawn out. Will will see their attack on Castle Black some time in the next two episodes? Or will the oncoming horde be the final scene of episode 10?

Over in Mereen, the men and women don’t bathe together…but they do bathe about 50 feet from each other with no barrier between them. Grey Worm, the captain of the Unsullied, is taking advantage of this, checking out Dany’s assistant. For those of you keeping score at home, I think this is the first time we see her topless. Captain Unsullied really likes to watch. I think he’s sullying himself. Dany’s assistant notices, and at first seems into it, but is then creeped out and covers up.

Okay, she was definitely creeped out, because she reports this incident to Dany. I would love for these two scenes to be featured in some company’s HR video. ‘Here’s how to respond to unwanted advances.” Dany’s a little confused about the incident though. She wonders how unsullied her men are, asking if they’ve had the pillar as well as the stones removed. Side note: I am now referring to my junk as the pillar and the stones.

Missandei and Grey Worm meet up, and they tell each other that they were both into it. Hey Missandei, he might not have a pillar, but he definitely has a pointer.

We cut to Rob Thomas and Reek, who are going through the “I am Theon Greyjoy” plan. Reek certainly looks like Theon again, minus the swagger. Reek approaches a fortress belonging to his father and announces himself. Once inside, Theon/Reek offers the captain the chance to live if they all surrender to Rob Thomas. The captain, who is not doing too well, spits some blood in Theon’s face over the offer and goes on about “Iron born this, iron born that,” and how they don’t surrender, and if he really was Theon Greyjoy, he’d know that. Reek’s veneer starts to crack, but his sales pitch is saved by one of the captain’s men putting an ax firmly in the captain’s head. The ax man is interested in this surrendering business. Oh sorry, ax man, you chose the wrong door. Behind the door marked surrender was your body flayed of its skin from the neck down. I think you’re also missing an eye or two (won’t be the last time this happens this episode). Better luck next time!

Up at the Aerie, Littlefinger is sitting before a tribunal in regards to Aunt Crazy’s death. Things aren’t going well for him. They call in Sansa as a witness, who announces she can lie no longer…and then proceeds to lie her ass off to help Littlefinger. Hey Littlefinger, you’re still in the courtroom! The tribunal can see you! Stop smiling so much!

Back in Mereen, Sir Barriston is given a sealed scroll. Whose mark is this on the wax? Do we know? The scroll is the royal pardon of Friend Zone signed by King Robert. Sir Barriston confronts Friend Zone about this and then immediately brings it to Dany’s attention. Things don’t go well for Friend Zone. It turns out that women are less impressed with you saving them from poisoned wine if you’re the guy who gave the information as to where the assassin should be in the first place. I think Tuesday Night Movies contributor Sarvenaz Tash put it best when she tweeted…

https://twitter.com/SarvenazTash/status/473286703877464065

Friend Zone leaves town like David Banner at the end of an episode of The Incredible Hulk. I kind of wish they played the Hulk’s closing credits music during this scene.

Back north, Rob Thomas gets what Jon Snow never got, an acknowledgement of some fatherly love. Praise Ned Stark all you want, but at the end of the day, Rob Thomas’s father let him drop Snow and take the family name. That said, he’ll always be Rob Thomas to me.

In the Aerie, Littlefinger is questioning Sansa as to why she helped him. He’s doing this in a Christian Bale Batman voice. Sansa does not answer with “Why so serious?” Instead, she lets Littlefinger know that his being alive is beneficial to her. Westeros look out! Sansa is being proactive!

Cleared of any wrongdoing, Littlefinger suggests that Robin be sent out into the lands around the Aerie, so that he can get a better understanding of the people and lands he will one day oversee. I see this going as well as when an animal raised in captivity is released into the wild.

Sansa enters the room where Littlefinger and Robin are. She’s wearing a new dress and walking with a new confidence. Just as Arya is turning into Mini-Hound, I feel Sansa is turning into Mini-Littlefinger.

Arya and the Hound complete their season long journey to the Aerie, just in time to find out that Aunt Crazy is dead. Arya’s reaction is priceless. She just laughs her ass off. I look forward to Arya and Sansa’s reunion. Both have grown as characters so much since they last saw each other. And do they each even think the other is alive?

Tyrion is visited by Jaime again. I won’t lie, as this scene was starting, I was looking at my watch. Other than Dany defriending Friendzone, this has been a fairly uneventful episode so far. But here it is, Tyrion’s trial by combat, ~~Inigo Montoya~~ the Red Viper vs. the Mountain!

I had a bad feeling about the Red Viper’s chances as soon as he told his lady friend that he didn’t plan on dying today. Anytime someone in Westeros announces that they don’t plan on dying that day, I feel that their chances of dying that day increase dramatically.

Wow, the Mountain is big, especially compared to the Red Viper. The Red Viper strikes an early advantage, slicing at the Mountain and dodging all of his blows. But the Red Viper doesn’t want to just win. He wants the Mountain to publicly admit that he raped and killed the Red Viper’s sister and murdered her children. Seriously, how does anyone not see the Inigo Montoya comparison during this scene? His “You raped her. You murdered her. You killed her children.” sounds so much like “My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.” I kept waiting for the Mountain to ask what the Red Viper wanted, and for his response to be, “I want my sister back, you son of a bitch.”

The original Red Viper.

Inigo is toying with the Mountain. He clearly wants to fight to the pain. People in the audience are very amused to see the underdog come out on top, especially Jaime Lannister.

When Big Red then wanted the Mountain to implicate Tywin Lannister as the person whose orders the Mountain was following when he raped and murdered his sister, I had a feeling the shit was definitely going to hit the fan. I thought Inigo might jump into the stands and kill Tywin in front of everyone. Instead the Mountain makes a comeback usually reserved for the Undertaker in WWE matches and pops Inigo 2.0’s head like a watermelon. When the Mountain was gouging Big Red’s eyes, all I could think was that it looked like pressing your thumbs into a cherry pie. It’s been a few days since I watched the episode and I both cannot get that scene out of my head and cannot bring myself to watch it again. I think I’d rather watch the Red Wedding again before watching this scene a second time. That said, enjoy it all you want below.

Have fun trying to fall asleep after watching this.

I thought maybe both Inigo and the Mountain would die, leading to a mistrial by combat, but it looks like the Mountain lived, because the episode ends with Tywin sentencing Tyrion to death.

Okay, Jaime, time to bust your brother out of jail and hit the road, Dukes of Hazzard style!

May 19, 2014 by Billy Henehan

Game of Thrones – S4E7 – Mockingbird – Recap

The episode begins with Tyrion being visited by his brother and best friend Jaime. Jaime gives Tyrion the “I’m sorry, but your ~~princess~~ champion is in another castle” runaround, saying that he couldn’t beat any man left handed. Tyrion tries to sway Jaime with the prospect of seeing their father’s face when Jaime loses and his bloodline dies out in one fight. Jaime’s tempted, but not that tempted.

Cersei has enlisted ~~The Hulk~~ The Mountain to be her champion against Tyrion’s champion. You might remember The Mountain from such things as being The Hound’s brother, and that vicious joust from a few seasons ago when so many more characters were still alive. Yeah, I wouldn’t bet on Jaime beating this guy left handed either.

Remember in Anchorman 2, how Ron’s son emulated his dad and started acting like him? That’s kind of what’s going on with Arya and The Hound right now. After The Hound stabs a brigand through the heart and wipes his blade clean on the freshly dead body, Arya does the same thing with Brigand #2. Arya’s new nickname: Lil’ Hound.

Up at Castle Black, Jon Snow recommends blocking the tunnel that leads north of the wall. Jon’s asshole boss mocks both Jon and the idea in front of everyone. I’m no writing coach, but I have a feeling this is going to come back to bite the men of the Night’s Watch in the ass big time. You don’t write this scene in and then have the tunnel’s gates stand, right?

Tyrion checks behind door #2 for a champion and comes up empty. Best Line Bronn has been bought off by Cersei and won’t be going for the back to back title as Tyrion’s champion. Tyrion always offered Bronn double of what his enemies would, but Tyrion has trouble coming up with two castles. Tyrion pleads with Bronn’s sense of friendship, but Bronn points out that despite their being friends, Tyrion never risked his life for Bronn. Point: Bronn. Recognizing that Bronn is just being the same Bronn that made Tyrion like him in the first place, they depart with a handshake, still friends.

But all is not lost for Tyrion. Later in the episode, sexy Wil Wheaton, who after this episode I will now be referring to as Inigo Montoya agrees to be Tyrion’s champion. Inigo has a personal beef with the Lannisters in general and The Mountain in specific, as The Mountain’s men raped and murdered Inigo’s sister and her children. Prepare to die, Mountain.

McDreamy arrives at Dany’s chambers bearing wildflowers that he swam a mile for. Dany’s not impressed. I am, but I’m not really a strong swimmer. Dany then gets all Don Draper circa season 6 of Mad Men and tells McDreamy to get undressed. She then totally elevator eyes him and gets stuck in the lobby. Um, Dany, his eyes are up here.

Over in Stannis-land, The Red Witch and her nipples are visited by Stannis’s wife. Hey, what’s up with Stannis’s wife looking like Elrond from Lord of the Rings? She realizes that isn’t a good look, right?

Stannis’s wife.

Every time The Red Witch is speaks, I want someone to punch her in the face. Say hello to the most annoying character in all of Westeros. I was really hoping for Stannis’s wife to push The Red Witch’s head a little bit lower in the tub and just drown her. Is that too much to ask?

The next morning, Friend Zone intercepts McDreamy doing the walk of shame from Dany’s chambers. Awkwaaaard. Friend Zone doesn’t trust McDreamy, and lets Dany know that when he visits her. I’m thinking it’s half doesn’t trust McDreamy, half doesn’t like the competition. Friend Zone is happy to find out that Dany is sending McDreamy far away. It looks like she just wanted to have a fun night first. Hey, don’t hate the player, hate the game.

Hommina, hommina, hommina…

Back on the road to Aunt Crazy’s castle in the clouds, The Hound tells Arya his origin, which really is just verifying everything we’ve known about him. He hates fire about as much as he hates his brother, which makes sense since his brother burned half of The Hound’s face off when they were kids. Hearing the story from The Hound’s lips definitely made me more sympathetic to The Hound. I’m guessing this will wash away soon though, when he kills the next poor farmer who feeds and houses him for the night.

Also on the road are Brienne and Pod. They’ve stopped at an inn are served by…hey, I know that guy! It’s Arya’s chubby friend from when they were captured by Robin Hood and his Merry Men! Arya’s friend, who won’t shut up, shuts up fast when he hears they’re looking for Sansa Stark. But something about Brienne and Pod makes Chunk trust them, so he lets them know that Arya is still alive, last seen with The Hound. Brienne and Pod come to a fork in the road and choose to head right. I’m guessing this is the way to Aunt Crazy’s?

Speaking of Aunt Crazy, Sansa is enjoying a little snowfall and builds the best snow castle I’ve ever seen, a scale model of Winterfell.

Side note: Those are some cool ass doors in Aunt Crazy’s courtyard. They have this whole 3D optical illusion thing going on with them.

Robin shows up and is impressed with the snow castle, but doesn’t understand why Winterfell doesn’t have a moon door. Robin is also the poster boy for why you shouldn’t coddle your kids too much. He looks like he be knocked over by a stiff breeze or the common cold. Parents, let your children play in the dirt with other kids….or they’ll end up like Robin. Oh, and don’t breast feed them forever. Sansa manages to get along with her cousin/future husband for a little bit when Robin offers to throw anyone who irks her through the moon door, but the good times don’t last long. After Robin ruins snow castle Winterfell trying to add a moon door to it, Sansa slaps him. Nice. Sansa is doing what I’m thinking. Now Sansa, I want you to go find The Red Witch and stab her…

After Robin runs away crying, Sansa realizes she’s probably in deep doo doo. Aunt Crazy already thinks Sansa slept with Littlefinger, and now she beat her over-coddled son. As if Sansa’s one way ticket through the moon door hadn’t already been confirmed, Littlefinger comes by and kisses her, just in time for Aunt Crazy to stroll by and witness it.

Sansa is called to the throne room by Aunt Crazy. Sansa immediately apologizes for kissing Robin, which is not why Aunt Crazy summoned her. You really need to learn to keep your mouth shut, Sansa. Aunt Crazy is already boiling with rage from seeing her niece kiss her husband and tries throwing Sansa through the moon door.

It looks like the end for Sansa, until Littlefinger shows up at the last second, dressed like Neo from a Matrix sequel and demands that Aunt Crazy stop. Littlefinger gets very close to Aunt Crazy and tells her not to be jealous of Sansa, as he has only ever loved one woman. Unfortunately for Aunt Crazy, that woman is Sansa’s mother, Crazy’s sister, the late Lady Catelyn Stark. Littlefinger then throws Aunt Crazy through the moon door like he’s Darth Vader and she’s the Emperor at the end of Return of the Jedi. Sadly, the Yub Nub Ewok song doesn’t play during the end credits.

I had one lingering thought after this episode ended, and that’s did Littlefinger kiss Sansa knowing that Aunt Crazy would be walking by at that time? If it were any other character, I’d say it was coincidence. But when Littlefinger’s involved, I feel like coincidence isn’t. Everyone is a pawn to Littlefinger. Well, everyone except Catelyn Stark, and she’s no longer among the living.

May 17, 2014 by Billy Henehan

Game of Thrones – S4E6 – The Laws of Gods and Men – Recap

Welcome to another recap of Game of Thrones. There are SPOILERS below for the episode, so if you haven’t seen it yet, read no further. I have not read the books, so please keep your comments to things that have happened in the show only! No spoilers for future events, please!

The episode opens with Stannis and his men sailing under a giant statue of a soldier in a kilt. What do they see when they look up? Whatever it was, it certainly seems to have put Stannis in a mood while he waits to see if his ~~home~~ loan was approved. Stannis has about as much luck at The Iron Bank as Magic Mike did. Too bad for Magic Mike, he didn’t have Davos, aka Captain Five Fingers, on his side. Captain Five Fingers certainly is loyal for a guy who used to be Captain Ten Fingers until Stannis came along. Having a guy whose fingers you cut off on your side apparently goes far with the Iron Bank.

In the baths, Davos’s pal, the pirate (who I want to call Pirate Steve for some reason that I can’t explain), is telling some naked girls a joke that I’m pretty sure George RR Martin (or this episode’s writer) stole from a joke book I read in the third grade. I’ve definitely heard that joke before, just like the girls who he’s telling it to have.

Ever wonder how Westorosians carry around all that pocket change they call money? It turns out it’s in those coin counters the dude at the arcade used to have.

These guys know what’s up.

After Davos mentions the pirate’s wife in front of the naked girls, the pirate pal has the best line in the episode so far with “You’re not my friend, my friend.”

Lily Allen is sailing to free her brother Alfie Allen. Okay, I might have to explain this nickname. Alfie Allen plays Theon/Reek, so in my mind, since I can’t remember what Theon’s sister’s name is, this girl is now Lily Allen. Go with me here; there are a lot of characters. Lily Allen wants to free Theon and kill Rob Thomas, who we find out is really into being choked during sex. Lily Allen is stone cold street, taking out Rob Thomas’s men left and right as she quickly makes her way to Theon. Theon has been seriously brainwashed and does not want to go. This presents a problem for Lily Allen when Rob Thomas shows up with more men. I’m not sure if Rob got all those cuts from Lily Allen’s men or from that rough sex he was having. Either way, he’s in a good mood. Lily Allen is one of the toughest characters on the show, so I was VERY surprised when he turns tail and runs without Theon.

Rob Thomas is happy with Reek for wanting to stay and wants to give him a reward. Reek, understandably, is wary of any “reward” coming his way from Rob Thomas. But the reward turns out to be a bath. Just a bath. No shenanigans. Wow, Theon’s body is covered in scars like Batman’s!

Rob Thomas’s true motives are revealed when he tells Reek he wants him to infiltrate Theon’s family’s castle by “pretending to be someone you’re not…Theon Greyjoy.” Oh boy, this should be interesting.

One of Dany’s dragons spots a shepherd’s goats, aka lunch. Wow, these dragons have really gotten big! In case you didn’t know, dragons make amazing goat flambe. The shepherd complains to Dany, who does the right thing and gives the shepherd more than enough money for his dead goats. Dany sees another visitor, the son of one of the masters she nailed to post. They get into a philosophical debate on the rights and wrongs of nailing men to mile posts. But the guy really just wants to be able to bury his dad. Dany finds it in herself to at least agree to that. Dany’s got 212 more people to hear after this guy. To Dany’s credit, it sounds like she’s going to hear them all. Imagine being person #212 on that line. And you thought getting through to a live person at Time Warner Cable was rough.

Sexy Wil Wheaton only owns one shirt. That’s what I’m taking away from this next scene. The small council is meeting. Princess Low Cut’s dad both a) has no sense of humor and b) is a huge kiss ass. Oh, and c) kind of looks like a member of the Lollipop League from The Wizard of Oz. Varys brings up Dany to the small council’s attention. Is this the first time we’re hearing about Friend Zone formerly being a spy in Dany’s company for King’s Landing? I feel like that might have been addressed in season 1, but can’t remember.

After the meeting, Sexy Wil Wheaton walks in on Varys staring at the Iron Throne. Sexy Wil Wheaton has that awkward conversation you’ve probably had when you assume that one of your friends is gay and it turns out he isn’t. But Varys wasn’t into girls either. He’s more asexual, like Sheldon on The Big Bang Theory (also probably like that friend of yours). Varys pretty much hints he wants the throne. But c’mon, in the battle of trickiness, Varys is no Littlefinger. Agree, disagree?

Jaime pays Tyrion another visit. He’s there to escort Tyrion to his trial. When the door opens to the throne room, where the trial is taking place, it almost sounded like the interstitial thum-thum from Law and Order. Okay, maybe that was all in my head.

The tiral of Tyrion Lannister is underway! Someone calls out “Kingslayer!” when he walks in and I’m not sure if they’re talking to Tyrion or Jaime. “Who? Me? No, him? No, me? No, him? No, me. Me.” .

Side note, is Princess Low Cut wearing a bed sheet in court?

Tomlin excuses himself from hearing the case. Pussy. Tywin hears it instead. Tywin likes sitting in that throne. Westerosi courts aren’t like American courts in that the defense doesn’t seem able to do any cross examining. I’m no lawyer, but this seems to be a big advantage for the prosecution. Everyone the prosecution calls pretty much buries Tyrion, but what’d you expect when the witnesses are the Grand Maester, Cersei, etc.

Tywin lets Tyrion ask Varys one question. One! Come on, this isn’t a trial! It’s a shit show! Jaime agrees to my assessment and tries to bargain with daddy during recess in order to save his brother. Jaime tells Tywin that the last order the Mad King gave Jaime before Jaime killed him was to bring him Tywin’s head. Jaime gets the best line of the episode with his follow-up, “I saved your life so that you could murder my brother?” Jaime offers to get married to someone he’s not related to if Tywin spares Tyrion. Tywin agrees. Looks like Tyrion is heading to the Night’s Watch.

Jaime gives Tyrion the game plan. Tyrion doesn’t trust his dad, but he does trust Jaime.

Tywin REALLY likes sitting on that iron throne. Watch your back, Tomlin.

Things get really interesting when the prosecution calls…Shae! Awwwwwkwarrrrrd. Apparently, Shae never picked up that Tyrion was White Fanging her, because she totally throws Tyrion under the bus. Do they have buses in Westoros? No? Fine. Shae totally throws Tyrion under the horse cart. Basically, everything that Shae can say to bury Tyrion she does say. Killed Joffrey? Yup. Stole poison? Yup. Wants to kill all the Lannisters? Yup. Bitches, man.

Tyrion announces he wishes to confess. Then he announces that he should have let Stannis kill everyone here. Um, Tyrion, what about that confession? Tyrion confesses, not to poisoning the king, but to being a dwarf. Tyrion’s the best. Best line of the episode goes to Tyrion: “I didn’t kill Joffrey but I wish I had. Watching your bastard die gave me more relief than a thousand lying whores.” Great line, but not a great defense. After Tyrion riles up the crowd, Tywin orders him back to his cell. Knowing he won’t get any justice in the court, Tyrion announces he’ll let the gods decide his fate. He demands a trial by combat! Everyone is varying levels of shocked and intrigued. The episode ends with a stare down between Tywin and Tyrion. Oh damn. It. Is. On.

I can’t wait for Sunday’s episode, because I have so many questions. Will this be like the last time Tyrion was given a trial by combat up in the Aerie? Namely, does Tyrion get a champion? Will it be Bronn? Jaime? Jaime vs. Bronn? And if no champion, Tyrion vs. Jaime? Tyrion vs. Tywin? IS IT SUNDAY YET?????

May 16, 2014 by Billy Henehan

Game of Thrones – S4E5 – First of His Name – Recap

The episode opens with Princess Low Cut giving Tomlin eyes in the throne room. She’s totally tit-blocked by Cersei. The two of them talk about Joffrey. It’s interesting how honest Cersei is about Joffrey here. I don’t remember her ever voicing that Joffrey was a monster before this. Cersei praises Tomlin and offers the prospect of marriage to Tomlin to Princess Low Cut, who does a great job of sounding interested but not too interested. Princess Low Cut already sounds like part of the family when she says to Cersei, “I hardly know what to call you, sister or mother.” Oh, those Lannisters…

Dany finds out about Joffrey’s death. Beardy has acquired about 70 ships for her. Smooth. Friend Zone rains on the “Let’s sack King’s Landing” parade by bringing up that the cities they’ve liberated in Slaver’s Bay have fallen out of their hands. “I will do what queens do. I will rule.” That’s two for two with scenes ending on awesome lines.

Sansa and Littlefinger are walking the narrow path that leads to Aunt Crazy’s house. When they reach the front door, the look on Sansa’s face says, “I’ve made a huge mistake.” Amazingly, Aunt Crazy is not breastfeeding when they walk in. Cousin Crazy is only snuggling against her. Awww…gross. Cousin Crazy walks with a weird limp. Don’t breastfeed your kid until he’s 10, ladies. Pro tip: don’t give Cousin Crazy nice gifts. He’ll just throw it out his “moon door.” It’s not as gross as it sounds, but still, that kid isn’t getting anything more than a paper airplane from me.

Aunt Crazy wants Littlefinger’s littlefinger in a bad way. When Littlefinger suggests they take it slow, Aunt Crazy goes into crazy detail about how Littlefinger talked her into killing her own husband. Geez…Littlefinger has killed more people than cancer. He kisses her to get her to shut up. Aunt Crazy calls in a priest and lets him know that she’s going to be loud in bed tonight.

And just like Babe Ruth, Aunt Crazy called her shot. Sansa gets to try in vain to fall asleep to her aunt’s sex moans. Most of her family has been killed, and she was threatened with death by her once future husband, but I really feel like this is the lowest point Sansa’s sunk these four seasons.

Cersei and Tywin are meeting. They go over Tomlin and Princess Low Cut’s wedding. Tywin gets the best line in the scene with “You don’t need to make formal alliances with people you trust.” Tywin also reveals that the crown is way underwater on all the refi they did with the Iron Bank.

At her campsite with the Hound, Arya is going through her rosary of people she wants to put in the ground. The Hound tells her to shut up, but then lets her go on since she only has one name left. But for some reason, he’s surprised to hear his own name as the final name. His face was kind of like, “Say what now?”

Aunt Crazy acts suspiciously normal, so it makes sense that when she does go crazy in this scene, she’s goes full crazy on Sansa. She thinks Sansa is sleeping with Littlefinger. Sansa does her best to convince Aunt Crazy that she’s not sleeping with her aunt’s new husband. I hated Sansa in season 1, but I’ve grown to like her and hope she gets out of this castle okay. Aunt Crazy can take a short walk out the moon door though. Aunt Crazy’s mood swings remind me of Norma on Bates Motel, but without Vera Farmigia’s sexiness. So it’s just the crazy. That’s not a good combo. Aunt Crazy calms down just in time to let Sansa know she’ll be marrying her breast feeding cousin Robin as soon as Tyrion is executed.

My advice to Sansa…

On the road with Brienne and Pod. Pod’s not really good at the whole horse riding thing. These two are the perfect buddy cop comedy of Westeros.

The Hound wakes up from his nap and freaks when Arya isn’t there. He finds her practicing her swordplay nearby and flips. He’s not a fan of her technique. Angry Arya is often the best part of an episode. This episode is no exception. The Hound challenges her to show off her stuff on him. Arya doesn’t even hesitate to stab the Hound in the gut. Unfortunately for Arya, the Hounds armor beats Needle’s point the way rock beats scissors.

Next time, throw paper.

The Hound is nice enough to give Needle back after bloodying Arya’s lip and sending her to the ground.

Cersei meets up with Sexy Wil Wheaton. I could see these two getting it on if he was more Cersei’s type, you know, a blood relative. Princess Low Cut has nothing on the Prince of Dorn when it comes to low cut shirts. The dude dresses like J Lo. Cersei takes the best line in this scene with, “Everywhere in the world, they hurt little girls.” There’s a lot of best lines in this episode. Amazingly, none of them have come from Bronn so far, but he’s nowhere to be found.

Back at the Brienne and Pod show, Pod is burning a freshly hunted rabbit. Like really burning it. It’s on fire because he forgot to skin it first. For some reason I thought Pod was a good cook. I now realize that I think I was maybe confusing him with Peeta from The Hunger Games. That doesn’t make much sense, but that’s the only reason I can think of for thinking he was a good cook. Also, whatever happened to that kid that used to hang out with Arya after she fled King’s Landing? That’s not Pod, right? For some reason, I keep thinking that guy and Pod are the same person. When Pod reveals that he put a spear through the back of a man’s head to save Tyrion’s life, his status with Brienne takes a turn for the better. I love these two.

Up north, it’s snowing at Kraster’s Keep. The Six Fingered Man is either doing some spy work or he’s really into watching rough sex. Or maybe it’s a little of column A, a little of column B. He finds the shack where Brann and company are being kept. The kid from Love, Actually hints that he and his sister won’t be in many more episodes. Then his hand catches fire, but only in his mind.

Owen from Torchwood is ready to rape Love, Actually‘s sister in front of everyone. Love, Actually tries to bargain with him, offering Owen a look into his future. “Torchwood’s not coming back…ever” Owen’s not happy with this news. Love, Actually tells Owen that Owen is going to die just time time for Jon and the rest of the Night’s Watch to start their attack. While Jon fights, the Six Fingered Man goes in Brann’s shack, ready to kidnap him. Brann does his possession thing and takes over Hodor’s body. The Six Fingered Man never stood a chance. Hodor choke slams the Six Fingered Man’s lifeless body into the snow. Brann calls for Jon, but Love, Actually talks Brann out of it, saying that Jon would never let Brann continue his journey.

It’s Snow vs. Owen! Jon has one big sword. Owen has two little ones What’s fun about Game of Thrones is that these fights really can go either way. No one is safe on the show. Owen fights dirty, but one of Kraster’s daughter-wives distracts Owen just long enough for Jon to put a sword through the back of his throat and out his mouth. That has to be a weird feeling, seeing a new metal tongue coming out of your mouth right before you die.

One mutineer survived Jon’s attack on Kraster’s Keep. Unfortunately for him, Hodor freed Jon’s dire wolf on his way out of town and Ghost is hungry. Update: no mutineer’s survived Jon’s attack on Kraster’s Keep. Jon reunites with Ghost and tries to get Kraster’s daughter-wives to come back to Castle Black with them. The ladies decide to go out and make it on their own though, doing it their way, Laverne and Shirley style.

The episode ends with Kraster’s Keep burning to the ground.

May 9, 2014 by Billy Henehan

Game of Thrones – S4E4 – Oathkeeper – Recap

Hi everyone and welcome back to Tuesday Night Movies’s recaps of Game of Thrones. Sorry for the delay between entries. I was vacationing in Portugal and Spain, and am now playing a bit of catch up.

In this recap, you can expect to find SPOILERS for this episode and previous episodes, but no SPOILERS of future events. I haven’t read the books. If you have read the books, I simply ask that you please keep any spoilers of future events in the show to yourself. Thanks!

SPOILERS for Oathkeeper follow after this photo of Littlefinger sitting atop the Iron Throne.

The episode begins with the captain of the Unsullied (Grey One? Grey Worm?) being tutored in Westerosi as a Second Language from Dany’s Executive Assistant/Head Fly Girl. I get the feeling that despite him being a eunuch, he’s hot for teacher. After his tutoring session ends, he leads a team of Unsullied into a union meeting held by the local slave chapter. Things aren’t going well for the “Let’s revolt” side until Dany’s men drop bags and bags of swords at the slaves’ feet. It’s amazing how bags of swords can sway a vote.

After the successful slave revolt, Dany decides to match the number of children the slave masters nailed to mile posts with the slave masters themselves. Why did the slave masters nail those children to the posts in the first place? Was it to show Dany how little they considered the slaves? To show her their strength as masters? As a warning as to what they’d do to her?

Wow, Dany standing atop the temple surveying her new city looks like History Channel level CGI. What’s up with that, HBO?

This actually looks better here than it did on my TV screen.

Jaime, aka Westeros’s first Cyborg, is training with Best Line Bronn. It’s a pretty even sparring match until Bronn beats Jaime with Jaime’s own metal hand. Bronn is too cool. No joke, I would totally watch a Jaime and Bronn buddy knight spinoff show. After the sparring match, Bronn uses his secret Jewish-mother guilt power to get Jaime to visit his imprisoned brother Tyrion.

The scene with Jaime and Tyrion in Tyrion’s cell might be my favorite scene this episode that didn’t involve Jaime being hit with his own hand. The dialogue here is so good that you’d think Bronn was in the scene. “Are you really asking if I killed your son?” “Are you really asking if I’d kill my brother?” This scene is too good!

Sansa is on Littlefinger’s boat. Littlefinger tells Sansa he’s marrying her Aunt, the one who never stops breastfeeding. Sansa confronts Littlefinger about his involvement in killing Joffrey. This scene is all about how Joffrey died. Ryan Broderick wrote an excellent play by play for Buzzfeed on how exactly Joffrey died. I definitely recommend checking that out. It completely matches up with the explanation given in this scene and the next scene. Littlefinger is so much more cunning than Tommy Carcetti and it really shows in this scene. Seriously, this scene establishes Littlefinger as the most dangerous man in Westeros. His explanation on keeping his enemies (and friends) in the dark reminded me of Heath Leger’s monologue as the Joker in The Dark Knight.

Littlefinger doesn’t say outright who his “new friends” are who wanted Joffrey dead, but he’s saying this in voiceover as we see Princess Low Cut and Grandma walking in a garden. If you didn’t catch on by this point that Grandma’s in on it, that’s on you. But just so it’s clear for everyone, Grandma ~~confesses~~ brags to Princess Low Cut about her hand in Joffrey’s death. Grandma’s got a past. She stole her own sister’s intended husband by using her Grandmotherly vajayjay. Princess Low Cut giggles just a little too much while her Grandma goes in depth about her night of passion with Princess Low Cut’s grandfather. I’ll take Conversations No One Has Ever Had With Their Grandmother for $800, Alex.

Up at The Wall, the Six Fingered Man has joined the crew. I like that those scars on his face are from when Inigo Montoya cuts him in Prince Humperdink’s castle.

The Six Fingered Man makes nice with John Snow. When he shakes Snow’s hand, I tried counting the number of fingers on his hand, but the angle wasn’t right.

Jaime visits Cercei and there’s no mention of Jaime forcing himself on his sister when we last saw these two together. Cercei is back in ice queen mode. She’s also drinking a lot. Cercei questions Jaime’s loyalty vis-ais his being let go by the Starks. Cercei is also pissed that Jaime hasn’t gotten around to killing Tyrion yet. Cercei wants more guards on Tomlin, her other son with Jaime. Tomlin is next in line for the thrown. She then dismisses Jaime without even a little bit of sisterly nookie.

Tomlin, aka “Not all of us inbred children are crazy. See?” is lying in bed. Princess Low Cut wanders in, as low cut as ever. I’m guessing Jaime didn’t get around to posting extra guards. Princess Low Cut, isn’t this kid like 10? That makes this scene kind of gross. Not as gross as a brother raping his sister at the feet of their dead son’s body, but it’s up there.

When I heard that the title of the episode was Oathkeeper, I worried for Tyrion. I couldn’t remember if Jaime, Mr. Oathbreaker/Kingslayer made a vow to his sister/lover, Cercei, to kill his brother/best part of the show, Tyrion. Thankfully, Oathkeeper turned out to be the name that Lady Brienne gives the sword that Jaime “The Regifter” Lannister gives her when he sends her out on a quest to find and keep safe Sansa Stark. Jaime also gives Brienne some really sweet armor. This doesn’t look like a regifting, but who can say with The Regifter, especially when he follows this by regifting Tyrion’s squire to Brienne. Can you regift your brother’s stuff? Especially if it’s a person? Only if you’re Jaime Lannister. Now that is one longing gaze from Jaime when Brienne rides off.

Up at Castle Black, Sam has come to the conclusion that was wildly apparent to everyone in the audience a couple of weeks ago, namely that leaving Gilly at the best little whorehouse in the north wasn’t a good idea. He wants to go get her, but Jon Snow talks him out of it. Jon realizes that his kid brother Brann might be at Kraster’s Keep at the exact same time that Jon’s asshole boss tells Jon it’s okay for him to grab some brothers and take out the mutineers at Kraster’s Keep. Synergy, I tell you. The men who volunteer to go with Jon are really good at volunteering one at a time. There’s no awkward two guys getting up at the same time. They must drill volunteering at meetings on a regular basis at Castle Black. Surprise, surprise, the Six Fingered Man volunteers.

Up at Kraster’s Keep, Owen from Torchwood and his merry mutineers are getting drunk and raping women. They’re like the lacrosse fraternity of Westeros. All they need are some backwards white baseball caps. Owen finds out about Kraster giving his male babies to the White Walkers, and the ladies in Kraster’s Keep get super creepy chanting “The gift of the gods” in unison over and over. There’s nothing like women chanting in unison for you to get you to sacrifice a baby to a bunch of ice zombies.

I liked you so much better in Torchwood.

We check in on Brann, Hodor and company. They hear the sacrificed baby crying, so they’re right by Kraster’s. Brann possesses his dire wolf in order to get a looksie. He finds Ghost, Jon’s wolf, locked up and captured. Brann’s crew quickly figures out these guys are not Night’s Watch anymore…almost as quickly as they get caught by the mutinous Night’s Watchmen. They haze Hodor. It must be pledge week. Owen threatens all of them, taking a knife to the neck of the girl who kind of looks like Brann. He keeps yelling “Who are ya?” at her. I’m wondering the same thing. Does this girl have a name? When Brann says who he is, Owen’s top man, the guy who looks like he won his part in a “Who Wants to Be on Game of Thrones?” contest in his local comic book store, says that Brann is Jon Snow’s brother. This keeps Brann and company alive…for now.

A pale rider on a zombie horse is carrying the sacrificed baby and riding to…Snake Mountain? He puts the baby on an ice alter. Another White Walker, this one who seems to have a crown growing out of his head, strolls over and picks up the baby. When he touches the baby, the baby’s eyes go ice blue like a White Walker’s. Wait, is this how White Walkers are made? Don’t answer that. I can wait to find out on the show.

And then the episode ends. Huh, I always thought of the White Walkers as arctic zombies, but I’ve clearly been underestimating them. They’re not mindless. And they’re powerful, not just physically.

April 21, 2014 by Billy Henehan

Game of Thrones – S4E3 – Breaker of Chains – Recap

Welcome to another SPOILER FILLED recap of Game of Thrones! As I’ve mentioned in past weeks, I have a hard time keeping track of everyone’s name on the show, and I don’t want to Google people’s names and risk seeing spoilers, so bear with me and my use of nicknames. I haven’t read the books, so I’ll only be talking about what’s on the show. If you have read the books, please be cool and don’t spoil future events in the show.

There are plenty of SPOILERS in this recap of episode 3 of season 4 of Game of Thrones. If you’d like to go in fresh, I HIGHLY RECOMMEND not reading past the photo below of Iron Man lounging on the Iron Throne.

During the opening credits, I noticed that George RR Martin did not write this episode. Hear that, main characters? You’re safe this week!*

Remember when Jaime returned to King’s Landing last season, and that moment when his and Cersei’s eyes met? If you’re like me, you thought, “Awwwwwwwww, wait, wait, gross. Gross!” That happened again to me this episode, when Jaime entered the Sept and saw Cercei standing quietly over the body of their dead son. “Man, can’t these two ever catch a break? Wait, wait, they’re still brother and sister! Gross!” It gets worse, as Jaime proceeds to rape his sister/lover next to the body of his son/nephew. I swear, if these Lannisters weren’t filthy rich and good looking, they’d be the swamp people of Westeros.

Left to right: Tyrion, Jaime and Cersei

Oh, before Jaime raped her, Cersei tried to get him to promise to kill Tyrion, their little-person brother, whom Cersei thinks killed their son. Swamp people, I tell ya.

Besties!

Speaking of Tyrion, he’s locked in a dungeon. His squire, Pod, comes to visit him. The guards catch Pod’s bottle of wine, but miss everything else from the kitchen pantry that he’s hidden on himself. Pod’s tunic is like Jerry’s trench coat in Parker Lewis Can’t Lose.

Is there any item that is not in the pockets of that magical trench coat?

I hoped that the title Breaker of Chains referred to Tyrion escaping prison, maybe even Bronn breaking him out by having himself thrown in jail with a map of the dungeon tattooed on his body. No such luck. Things aren’t looking good for Tyrion. His sister wants him dead, and the tribunal hearing his case seems like a stacked deck against him. Realizing his own goose is cooked, Tyrion advises Pod to do whatever he can to save himself, even if it means publicly turning on Tyrion. He does ask Pod to bring him Jaime. Um, Tyrion, that might not be the best idea…

The jester helps Sansa flee King’s Landing and takes her to a g-g-ghost ship! Oh wait, it’s only Littlefinger’s boat. Littlefinger’s men put a couple of crossbow bolts into the jester as a thank you for his hard work once Sansa is safely on board. It turns out that the jester has been working for Littlefinger for the past few episodes. For a guy on a boat pretty far from land, Littlefinger sure knows a lot about Joffrey’s death, enough to implicate himself in the crime. If he’s not behind Joffrey’s death, he has to at least know who is. On a completely separate note, I’m currently watching The Wire for the first time ever and now when Littlefinger comes onscreen, all I see is Tommy Carcetti.

Littlefinger, by way of Baltimore.

In another part of Westeros, Arya and The Hound are taken in for the night by a widower farmer and his daughter. In case either the audience or Arya was starting to like The Hound over the past few episodes, he’s roundly depicted as an asshole here, first by being a dick to the farmer who feeds him and puts him up for the night, and then by robbing said farmer. I was kind of hoping Arya would take a stab at the back of The Hound’s knee with Needle as he was walking away with the farmer’s silver.

Back to King’s Landing, and Queen Low Cut is trying to figure out one of the things my friends and I were trying to figure out after the end of the last episode, namely is she the queen? Grandma says she is, but advises her granddaughter not to press the issue. Queen Low Cut wonders if she’s cursed, looking back on her last two husbands. Grandma flips that coin on its head and suggests that Margaery might be blessed, considering how she’s come out on top in both relationships. Are we headed for a pairing of Queen Low Cut and Joffrey’s younger brother, the future king? It certainly seems that way.

Speaking of Joffrey’s younger brother, he’s being groomed by grandfather to become king. Pop-Pop Tywin asks him questions similar to those asked by the Bridge Keeper in Monty Python and the Holy Grail.

Tywin asks King Newbie what is the most important quality for a king to possess. Tywin walks King Newbie to the answer being wisdom, which Tywin is happy to point out, he’s full of, so listen to Pop-Pop.

Up in the north, Sam decides that Gilly would be safer in a whorehouse than in Castle Black, because she might get raped at Castle Black. But who could ever get raped at a whorehouse? Samwell Tarly, brains of The Wall, people. The whore who talks to Gilly looked like she stepped right off the stage of Les Miz. I wouldn’t have been surprised if the people in the whorehouse had broken out into Lovely Ladies as soon as Sam left.

Also up in the north, the Wildlings are raiding a village. In my recap of Two Swords, I referred to the Wildling with the scars on his face as White Omar, but I won’t be doing that any longer, because when do you know Omar to ever take the life of a citizen? Omar only goes after players in the game. White Omar has no such code, and will now be referred to as Scarface.

The episode ends with Dany and company attempting to grow their army by freeing the slaves of another city. Has it only been one full episode since we last saw her? I think I was going through Khalesi withdrawal. Game of Thrones producers: Danaerys every episode, please! The city’s champion challenges Dany’s champion. In a funny display, the city’s champion shows off his manhood and takes a piss on the ground, really sticking it to the eunuchs in Dany’s army. Dany has to figure out who she wants to be her champion. She rules out a few people, including Friend Zone, as being too valuable, and really cements Friend Zone’s place in her world when she describes him as her most trusted adviser and best friend.

Tough break, Friend Zone.

McDreamy points out that Dany can barely stand him, so he should be her champion. The fight that ensues was almost straight out of Raiders of the Lost Ark. I half-expected McDreamy to pull out a pistol.

Dany launches catapults over the city walls. They don’t do much damage…at least, not physically. The catapults launch barrels filled the collars of the freed slaves of Dany’s army. A slave picks one up, and you can tell that his owner in the background is about to have a very bad day.

*Just kidding. Martin didn’t write the teleplay for The Rains of Castamere,aka The Red Wedding, so main characters, you can go at any time! That said, whenever I see Martin get the writing credit for an episode, my first thought is, “Shit’s about to go down.”

Hey! Do you like Orphan Black? Well, if so, we’re now recapping Orphan Black starting with season 2! Check out the first episode of season two’s recap here!

April 14, 2014 by Billy Henehan

Game of Thrones – S4E2 – The Lion and the Rose – Recap

Wow. Seriously, Wow. Well, I definitely did not see that one coming. But I’m getting ahead of myself. As I mentioned last week, I have a hard time keeping track of everyone’s name on the show, and I don’t want to Google people’s names and risk seeing spoilers, so bear with me and my use of nicknames. I haven’t read the books, so I’ll only be talking about what’s on the show. If you have read the books, please be cool and don’t spoil future events in the show. Spoilers after this cool picture of Walter White sitting on the iron throne. The episode starts out in the woods of Bolton country. Matchbox 20’s Robb Thomas is leading a hunting party after a blonde girl named Tansy. The hunting party is a brunette girl, Theon and two dogs trained by Michael Vick. Apparently they’re hunting Tansy because the brunette girl was jealous of her. It’s like Veronica’s sick fantasy about what do about Betty in an Archie comic. Betty/Tansy doesn’t make it. Pro tip: when being chased by hunting hounds, do not stop running. We cut to Tyrion and Jaime brunching together. Tyrion gives Cersei the best nickname, “The Mother of Madness.” Jaime laments that he can’t fight anymore, and can’t trust anyone to train him to fight left handed without someone blabbing. Tyrion says knows just the guy. Of course, we immediately cut to Best-Line Bronn, who is leading Jaime to a secluded platform by the cliffs to train him. And of course, Bronn lives up to his nickname when he explains to Jaime why he’s sure that no one will hear them while they’re training. Basically, this is where Bronn takes some big dude’s wife to have sex with her. She’s a loud one, and if no one can hear them banging each other, no one will hear a couple of swords banging together. Tyrion is the best, but Bronn might be my favorite character on the show.

Back in the land of the Boltons, Robb Thomas welcomes his father (who I will now be calling Michael Bolton) home from killing Robb Stark. The guy who took Jaime’s hand is with the dad too. This guy really looks like Count Tyrone Rugen, the six fingered man from The Princess Bride. He even talks like him. I really hope he has six fingers, and that he’s giving Christopher Guest a kickback for this performance. I also really hope that Mandy Patankin is cast in an upcoming episode to dispatch this guy. Michael Bolton is not happy that Robb Thomas tortured Theon into his current state. Poor Theon. One day you’re fingering your sister on horseback, the next day you’re the gimp from Pulp Fiction. Theon/Reek admits to Michael Bolton that he didn’t kill the Stark boys. Michael Bolton sends the six fingered man after the Stark kids. Question time. Is the last name Snow is Westoros similar to the last name Doe? Robb Thomas’s last name is Snow and he’s a bastard, just like John Snow. Is Snow just a way to denote someone as a bastard? Or are John and this guy possibly related? Varys tells Tyrion that Cersei knows about him and Shae, and that Cersei told their father, Tywin. If Tyrion doesn’t get Shae out of the country, she’s dead. This leads to Tyrion White Fanging Shae. Cold, Tyrion. Stone cold.

Joffrey is having a breakfast party. Is it his birthday? No, wait, it’s his bachelor party. Tyrion gives him an oversized book delineating the history of four past kings. Joffrey thanks him while making a face that says, “Joffrey don’t read.” Tywin presents Joffrey with the second of the two swords he forged from the Stark’s sword last episode. Joffrey tests it out by chopping his new book in two. Fucking Joffrey. I’m convinced George R. R. Martin was bullied by a guy named Geoffrey growing up. Oh great, Smoky Vajayjay is back. I hate that red headed witch. She’s quite possibly my least favorite character on the whole show. Yeah, Joffrey’s awful, but lady is awful and pretentious. But really, she’s the worst. Every time she comes on screen, I’m thinking, “Here we go again.” She’s like that one friend you had back in the ’90s who was just a little too into Wicca.

In case you don’t get her nickname…

Up north, Bran is still hanging in the woods with the kid from Love, Actually, Hodor, and that girl who kind of looks like a tall Bran. Bran tells Hodor to take him to the tree from the Wizard of Oz, the one with the face in it. Bran touches it and has a vision. And it is a werid-ass vision. A voice says “Look for me, beneath the tree. North,” while sees a bunch of images, including Ned Stark in jail, a zombie horse, the back of a man who looks like John Snow, snow falling on the Iron Throne (see what they did there?), Bran himself falling out of the tower and some other weird stuff. Royal wedding time! Joffrey marries Princess Low Cut. She’s now Queen Low Cut. Crazy love triangles between Cersei, Jaime and Brianne, and then again with Jaime, Cersei and Loras. That dude who kinda looks Will Wheaton dressed as J. Lo, his girlfriend Slave Leia and Loras even have a love triangle going on, though this is the only love triangle in the episode that all three people look like they’re really into and have no problem with. Joffrey needs to be Joffrey at the wedding, so he holds a five way midget joust. Joffrey is officially that douchey frat guy you met in college whose parents had too much money. It’s Lil’ Joffey, Lil’ Robb Stark, Lil’ Renley, Lil’ Stannis and Lil’ Balon Greyjoy in a battle royal. This wedding is turning into who can Joffrey irk more, Sansa or Tyrion. After Lil’ Joffrey stands victorious, Joffrey order Tyrion to fight Lil’ Joffrey. Tyrion declines, saying Joffrey should show off those legendary fighting skills that has kept King’s Landing safe. Tyrion is smooth like Don Draper in this scene. Joffrey, being the annoying, overprivileged frat boy that he is, then pours his wine on Tyrion’s head, and has the balls to command Tyrion to refill his goblet. Joffrey wants a reaction out of Tyrion. Tyrion doesn’t give it to him. So Joffrey chucks his wine glass under the table and commands Tyrion to fetch it. Sansa bends down under the table and hands Tyrion the goblet. Just when it seems like it’s going to come to head between Joffrey and Tyrion, Queen Low Cut announces it’s time for pie. Joffrey cuts the pie with his sword. Doves come flying out. A few of the dove didn’t make it. I ain’t eating that dead dove pie. Sansa wants to bounce. Tyrion too. They try to exit, stage right. Joffrey has other ideas and wants Uncle Tyrion to bring him more wine. Tyrion retrieves Joffrey’s goblet from Grandma’s table. Man, grandma is really looking intently at that wine goblet.

And that’s when shit gets real! Joffrey starts coughing and drops dead! Ho. Lee. Shit. Did that just happen? The baddest bad guy in Westeros is dead? Wow! Oh crap, does this mean more scenes with Smokey Vajayjay? Ugh…

Who killed ~~Mr. Burns~~ Joffrey??? Obviously, it wasn’t Tyrion. He looked as surprised as anyone, and come on, we’ve all seen enough episodes of Law & Order to know it’s never the first suspect. I’ve got four leading candidates for the identity of the murderer.

Sansa – Boy, does she have motive. And she had oppurtunity as well, when she bent down to pick up the wine cup under the table. You can see her free hand pass over the cup before she hands it to Tyrion. But why would she be carrying poison on her? To off herself on the night of Joffrey’s wedding? That sounds Sansa-like. She’s been talking suicide for awhile, but maybe seeing Lil’ Robb Stark get “decapitated” was enough for her to decide to share her poison. And the Jester was keen on getting Sansa out of there in a hurry when the shit hit the fan.
Grandma – She clearly doesn’t like what she’s heard about the way Joffrey treats women, and she loves her granddaughter. Joffrey takes a sip of his wine after Sansa handled it, and was fine. He then puts his goblet down on Grandma’s table when it’s time for pie. That pie scene provided plenty of misdirection for Grandma to lace his wine.
Wil Wheaton dressed as J. Lo – This dude clearly has motive. His sister died in the sacking of King’s Landing, which the Lannisters played a huge part in. Could he have poisoned Joffrey? But if he did, how? He was seated far away. Maybe the wine wasn’t poisoned at all. Joffrey was the only one to try the pie.
Wil Wheaton – Red Viper
Tywin – If Joffrey dies, Joffrey’s little brother is next in line for succession. Tywin doesn’t need the title of king, as long as he had the power. Joffrey immediately showed that he wouldn’t be his uncle’s puppet, and Tywin’s already hinted that he has no problem killing his own children if they got in his way. Forbidden lovechild grandson never stood a chance. The thing is, though, why give Joffrey that new bitchin’ Valyrian steel sword for his wedding if Tywin was planning on killing him only hours later. I guess it does make for a good alibi, if it turns out that he is the killer.

Out of the four, I’m leaning towards Grandma and/or Tywin being behind Joffrey’s death. Don’t trust anyone over 30, kids.

If you’ve read the books, and know who killed Joffrey, please keep that information to yourself! Comments and theories are welcome below, but please avoid spoilers of future events on the show.

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