May 19, 2014 by Billy Henehan

Game of Thrones – S4E7 – Mockingbird – Recap

The episode begins with Tyrion being visited by his brother and best friend Jaime. Jaime gives Tyrion the “I’m sorry, but your ~~princess~~ champion is in another castle” runaround, saying that he couldn’t beat any man left handed. Tyrion tries to sway Jaime with the prospect of seeing their father’s face when Jaime loses and his bloodline dies out in one fight. Jaime’s tempted, but not that tempted.

Cersei has enlisted ~~The Hulk~~ The Mountain to be her champion against Tyrion’s champion. You might remember The Mountain from such things as being The Hound’s brother, and that vicious joust from a few seasons ago when so many more characters were still alive. Yeah, I wouldn’t bet on Jaime beating this guy left handed either.

Remember in Anchorman 2, how Ron’s son emulated his dad and started acting like him? That’s kind of what’s going on with Arya and The Hound right now. After The Hound stabs a brigand through the heart and wipes his blade clean on the freshly dead body, Arya does the same thing with Brigand #2. Arya’s new nickname: Lil’ Hound.

Up at Castle Black, Jon Snow recommends blocking the tunnel that leads north of the wall. Jon’s asshole boss mocks both Jon and the idea in front of everyone. I’m no writing coach, but I have a feeling this is going to come back to bite the men of the Night’s Watch in the ass big time. You don’t write this scene in and then have the tunnel’s gates stand, right?

Tyrion checks behind door #2 for a champion and comes up empty. Best Line Bronn has been bought off by Cersei and won’t be going for the back to back title as Tyrion’s champion. Tyrion always offered Bronn double of what his enemies would, but Tyrion has trouble coming up with two castles. Tyrion pleads with Bronn’s sense of friendship, but Bronn points out that despite their being friends, Tyrion never risked his life for Bronn. Point: Bronn. Recognizing that Bronn is just being the same Bronn that made Tyrion like him in the first place, they depart with a handshake, still friends.

But all is not lost for Tyrion. Later in the episode, sexy Wil Wheaton, who after this episode I will now be referring to as Inigo Montoya agrees to be Tyrion’s champion. Inigo has a personal beef with the Lannisters in general and The Mountain in specific, as The Mountain’s men raped and murdered Inigo’s sister and her children. Prepare to die, Mountain.

McDreamy arrives at Dany’s chambers bearing wildflowers that he swam a mile for. Dany’s not impressed. I am, but I’m not really a strong swimmer. Dany then gets all Don Draper circa season 6 of Mad Men and tells McDreamy to get undressed. She then totally elevator eyes him and gets stuck in the lobby. Um, Dany, his eyes are up here.

Over in Stannis-land, The Red Witch and her nipples are visited by Stannis’s wife. Hey, what’s up with Stannis’s wife looking like Elrond from Lord of the Rings? She realizes that isn’t a good look, right?

Stannis’s wife.

Every time The Red Witch is speaks, I want someone to punch her in the face. Say hello to the most annoying character in all of Westeros. I was really hoping for Stannis’s wife to push The Red Witch’s head a little bit lower in the tub and just drown her. Is that too much to ask?

The next morning, Friend Zone intercepts McDreamy doing the walk of shame from Dany’s chambers. Awkwaaaard. Friend Zone doesn’t trust McDreamy, and lets Dany know that when he visits her. I’m thinking it’s half doesn’t trust McDreamy, half doesn’t like the competition. Friend Zone is happy to find out that Dany is sending McDreamy far away. It looks like she just wanted to have a fun night first. Hey, don’t hate the player, hate the game.

Hommina, hommina, hommina…

Back on the road to Aunt Crazy’s castle in the clouds, The Hound tells Arya his origin, which really is just verifying everything we’ve known about him. He hates fire about as much as he hates his brother, which makes sense since his brother burned half of The Hound’s face off when they were kids. Hearing the story from The Hound’s lips definitely made me more sympathetic to The Hound. I’m guessing this will wash away soon though, when he kills the next poor farmer who feeds and houses him for the night.

Also on the road are Brienne and Pod. They’ve stopped at an inn are served by…hey, I know that guy! It’s Arya’s chubby friend from when they were captured by Robin Hood and his Merry Men! Arya’s friend, who won’t shut up, shuts up fast when he hears they’re looking for Sansa Stark. But something about Brienne and Pod makes Chunk trust them, so he lets them know that Arya is still alive, last seen with The Hound. Brienne and Pod come to a fork in the road and choose to head right. I’m guessing this is the way to Aunt Crazy’s?

Speaking of Aunt Crazy, Sansa is enjoying a little snowfall and builds the best snow castle I’ve ever seen, a scale model of Winterfell.

Side note: Those are some cool ass doors in Aunt Crazy’s courtyard. They have this whole 3D optical illusion thing going on with them.

Robin shows up and is impressed with the snow castle, but doesn’t understand why Winterfell doesn’t have a moon door. Robin is also the poster boy for why you shouldn’t coddle your kids too much. He looks like he be knocked over by a stiff breeze or the common cold. Parents, let your children play in the dirt with other kids….or they’ll end up like Robin. Oh, and don’t breast feed them forever. Sansa manages to get along with her cousin/future husband for a little bit when Robin offers to throw anyone who irks her through the moon door, but the good times don’t last long. After Robin ruins snow castle Winterfell trying to add a moon door to it, Sansa slaps him. Nice. Sansa is doing what I’m thinking. Now Sansa, I want you to go find The Red Witch and stab her…

After Robin runs away crying, Sansa realizes she’s probably in deep doo doo. Aunt Crazy already thinks Sansa slept with Littlefinger, and now she beat her over-coddled son. As if Sansa’s one way ticket through the moon door hadn’t already been confirmed, Littlefinger comes by and kisses her, just in time for Aunt Crazy to stroll by and witness it.

Sansa is called to the throne room by Aunt Crazy. Sansa immediately apologizes for kissing Robin, which is not why Aunt Crazy summoned her. You really need to learn to keep your mouth shut, Sansa. Aunt Crazy is already boiling with rage from seeing her niece kiss her husband and tries throwing Sansa through the moon door.

It looks like the end for Sansa, until Littlefinger shows up at the last second, dressed like Neo from a Matrix sequel and demands that Aunt Crazy stop. Littlefinger gets very close to Aunt Crazy and tells her not to be jealous of Sansa, as he has only ever loved one woman. Unfortunately for Aunt Crazy, that woman is Sansa’s mother, Crazy’s sister, the late Lady Catelyn Stark. Littlefinger then throws Aunt Crazy through the moon door like he’s Darth Vader and she’s the Emperor at the end of Return of the Jedi. Sadly, the Yub Nub Ewok song doesn’t play during the end credits.

I had one lingering thought after this episode ended, and that’s did Littlefinger kiss Sansa knowing that Aunt Crazy would be walking by at that time? If it were any other character, I’d say it was coincidence. But when Littlefinger’s involved, I feel like coincidence isn’t. Everyone is a pawn to Littlefinger. Well, everyone except Catelyn Stark, and she’s no longer among the living.

May 17, 2014 by Billy Henehan

Game of Thrones – S4E6 – The Laws of Gods and Men – Recap

Welcome to another recap of Game of Thrones. There are SPOILERS below for the episode, so if you haven’t seen it yet, read no further. I have not read the books, so please keep your comments to things that have happened in the show only! No spoilers for future events, please!

The episode opens with Stannis and his men sailing under a giant statue of a soldier in a kilt. What do they see when they look up? Whatever it was, it certainly seems to have put Stannis in a mood while he waits to see if his ~~home~~ loan was approved. Stannis has about as much luck at The Iron Bank as Magic Mike did. Too bad for Magic Mike, he didn’t have Davos, aka Captain Five Fingers, on his side. Captain Five Fingers certainly is loyal for a guy who used to be Captain Ten Fingers until Stannis came along. Having a guy whose fingers you cut off on your side apparently goes far with the Iron Bank.

In the baths, Davos’s pal, the pirate (who I want to call Pirate Steve for some reason that I can’t explain), is telling some naked girls a joke that I’m pretty sure George RR Martin (or this episode’s writer) stole from a joke book I read in the third grade. I’ve definitely heard that joke before, just like the girls who he’s telling it to have.

Ever wonder how Westorosians carry around all that pocket change they call money? It turns out it’s in those coin counters the dude at the arcade used to have.

These guys know what’s up.

After Davos mentions the pirate’s wife in front of the naked girls, the pirate pal has the best line in the episode so far with “You’re not my friend, my friend.”

Lily Allen is sailing to free her brother Alfie Allen. Okay, I might have to explain this nickname. Alfie Allen plays Theon/Reek, so in my mind, since I can’t remember what Theon’s sister’s name is, this girl is now Lily Allen. Go with me here; there are a lot of characters. Lily Allen wants to free Theon and kill Rob Thomas, who we find out is really into being choked during sex. Lily Allen is stone cold street, taking out Rob Thomas’s men left and right as she quickly makes her way to Theon. Theon has been seriously brainwashed and does not want to go. This presents a problem for Lily Allen when Rob Thomas shows up with more men. I’m not sure if Rob got all those cuts from Lily Allen’s men or from that rough sex he was having. Either way, he’s in a good mood. Lily Allen is one of the toughest characters on the show, so I was VERY surprised when he turns tail and runs without Theon.

Rob Thomas is happy with Reek for wanting to stay and wants to give him a reward. Reek, understandably, is wary of any “reward” coming his way from Rob Thomas. But the reward turns out to be a bath. Just a bath. No shenanigans. Wow, Theon’s body is covered in scars like Batman’s!

Rob Thomas’s true motives are revealed when he tells Reek he wants him to infiltrate Theon’s family’s castle by “pretending to be someone you’re not…Theon Greyjoy.” Oh boy, this should be interesting.

One of Dany’s dragons spots a shepherd’s goats, aka lunch. Wow, these dragons have really gotten big! In case you didn’t know, dragons make amazing goat flambe. The shepherd complains to Dany, who does the right thing and gives the shepherd more than enough money for his dead goats. Dany sees another visitor, the son of one of the masters she nailed to post. They get into a philosophical debate on the rights and wrongs of nailing men to mile posts. But the guy really just wants to be able to bury his dad. Dany finds it in herself to at least agree to that. Dany’s got 212 more people to hear after this guy. To Dany’s credit, it sounds like she’s going to hear them all. Imagine being person #212 on that line. And you thought getting through to a live person at Time Warner Cable was rough.

Sexy Wil Wheaton only owns one shirt. That’s what I’m taking away from this next scene. The small council is meeting. Princess Low Cut’s dad both a) has no sense of humor and b) is a huge kiss ass. Oh, and c) kind of looks like a member of the Lollipop League from The Wizard of Oz. Varys brings up Dany to the small council’s attention. Is this the first time we’re hearing about Friend Zone formerly being a spy in Dany’s company for King’s Landing? I feel like that might have been addressed in season 1, but can’t remember.

After the meeting, Sexy Wil Wheaton walks in on Varys staring at the Iron Throne. Sexy Wil Wheaton has that awkward conversation you’ve probably had when you assume that one of your friends is gay and it turns out he isn’t. But Varys wasn’t into girls either. He’s more asexual, like Sheldon on The Big Bang Theory (also probably like that friend of yours). Varys pretty much hints he wants the throne. But c’mon, in the battle of trickiness, Varys is no Littlefinger. Agree, disagree?

Jaime pays Tyrion another visit. He’s there to escort Tyrion to his trial. When the door opens to the throne room, where the trial is taking place, it almost sounded like the interstitial thum-thum from Law and Order. Okay, maybe that was all in my head.

The tiral of Tyrion Lannister is underway! Someone calls out “Kingslayer!” when he walks in and I’m not sure if they’re talking to Tyrion or Jaime. “Who? Me? No, him? No, me? No, him? No, me. Me.” .

Side note, is Princess Low Cut wearing a bed sheet in court?

Tomlin excuses himself from hearing the case. Pussy. Tywin hears it instead. Tywin likes sitting in that throne. Westerosi courts aren’t like American courts in that the defense doesn’t seem able to do any cross examining. I’m no lawyer, but this seems to be a big advantage for the prosecution. Everyone the prosecution calls pretty much buries Tyrion, but what’d you expect when the witnesses are the Grand Maester, Cersei, etc.

Tywin lets Tyrion ask Varys one question. One! Come on, this isn’t a trial! It’s a shit show! Jaime agrees to my assessment and tries to bargain with daddy during recess in order to save his brother. Jaime tells Tywin that the last order the Mad King gave Jaime before Jaime killed him was to bring him Tywin’s head. Jaime gets the best line of the episode with his follow-up, “I saved your life so that you could murder my brother?” Jaime offers to get married to someone he’s not related to if Tywin spares Tyrion. Tywin agrees. Looks like Tyrion is heading to the Night’s Watch.

Jaime gives Tyrion the game plan. Tyrion doesn’t trust his dad, but he does trust Jaime.

Tywin REALLY likes sitting on that iron throne. Watch your back, Tomlin.

Things get really interesting when the prosecution calls…Shae! Awwwwwkwarrrrrd. Apparently, Shae never picked up that Tyrion was White Fanging her, because she totally throws Tyrion under the bus. Do they have buses in Westoros? No? Fine. Shae totally throws Tyrion under the horse cart. Basically, everything that Shae can say to bury Tyrion she does say. Killed Joffrey? Yup. Stole poison? Yup. Wants to kill all the Lannisters? Yup. Bitches, man.

Tyrion announces he wishes to confess. Then he announces that he should have let Stannis kill everyone here. Um, Tyrion, what about that confession? Tyrion confesses, not to poisoning the king, but to being a dwarf. Tyrion’s the best. Best line of the episode goes to Tyrion: “I didn’t kill Joffrey but I wish I had. Watching your bastard die gave me more relief than a thousand lying whores.” Great line, but not a great defense. After Tyrion riles up the crowd, Tywin orders him back to his cell. Knowing he won’t get any justice in the court, Tyrion announces he’ll let the gods decide his fate. He demands a trial by combat! Everyone is varying levels of shocked and intrigued. The episode ends with a stare down between Tywin and Tyrion. Oh damn. It. Is. On.

I can’t wait for Sunday’s episode, because I have so many questions. Will this be like the last time Tyrion was given a trial by combat up in the Aerie? Namely, does Tyrion get a champion? Will it be Bronn? Jaime? Jaime vs. Bronn? And if no champion, Tyrion vs. Jaime? Tyrion vs. Tywin? IS IT SUNDAY YET?????

May 16, 2014 by Billy Henehan

Game of Thrones – S4E5 – First of His Name – Recap

The episode opens with Princess Low Cut giving Tomlin eyes in the throne room. She’s totally tit-blocked by Cersei. The two of them talk about Joffrey. It’s interesting how honest Cersei is about Joffrey here. I don’t remember her ever voicing that Joffrey was a monster before this. Cersei praises Tomlin and offers the prospect of marriage to Tomlin to Princess Low Cut, who does a great job of sounding interested but not too interested. Princess Low Cut already sounds like part of the family when she says to Cersei, “I hardly know what to call you, sister or mother.” Oh, those Lannisters…

Dany finds out about Joffrey’s death. Beardy has acquired about 70 ships for her. Smooth. Friend Zone rains on the “Let’s sack King’s Landing” parade by bringing up that the cities they’ve liberated in Slaver’s Bay have fallen out of their hands. “I will do what queens do. I will rule.” That’s two for two with scenes ending on awesome lines.

Sansa and Littlefinger are walking the narrow path that leads to Aunt Crazy’s house. When they reach the front door, the look on Sansa’s face says, “I’ve made a huge mistake.” Amazingly, Aunt Crazy is not breastfeeding when they walk in. Cousin Crazy is only snuggling against her. Awww…gross. Cousin Crazy walks with a weird limp. Don’t breastfeed your kid until he’s 10, ladies. Pro tip: don’t give Cousin Crazy nice gifts. He’ll just throw it out his “moon door.” It’s not as gross as it sounds, but still, that kid isn’t getting anything more than a paper airplane from me.

Aunt Crazy wants Littlefinger’s littlefinger in a bad way. When Littlefinger suggests they take it slow, Aunt Crazy goes into crazy detail about how Littlefinger talked her into killing her own husband. Geez…Littlefinger has killed more people than cancer. He kisses her to get her to shut up. Aunt Crazy calls in a priest and lets him know that she’s going to be loud in bed tonight.

And just like Babe Ruth, Aunt Crazy called her shot. Sansa gets to try in vain to fall asleep to her aunt’s sex moans. Most of her family has been killed, and she was threatened with death by her once future husband, but I really feel like this is the lowest point Sansa’s sunk these four seasons.

Cersei and Tywin are meeting. They go over Tomlin and Princess Low Cut’s wedding. Tywin gets the best line in the scene with “You don’t need to make formal alliances with people you trust.” Tywin also reveals that the crown is way underwater on all the refi they did with the Iron Bank.

At her campsite with the Hound, Arya is going through her rosary of people she wants to put in the ground. The Hound tells her to shut up, but then lets her go on since she only has one name left. But for some reason, he’s surprised to hear his own name as the final name. His face was kind of like, “Say what now?”

Aunt Crazy acts suspiciously normal, so it makes sense that when she does go crazy in this scene, she’s goes full crazy on Sansa. She thinks Sansa is sleeping with Littlefinger. Sansa does her best to convince Aunt Crazy that she’s not sleeping with her aunt’s new husband. I hated Sansa in season 1, but I’ve grown to like her and hope she gets out of this castle okay. Aunt Crazy can take a short walk out the moon door though. Aunt Crazy’s mood swings remind me of Norma on Bates Motel, but without Vera Farmigia’s sexiness. So it’s just the crazy. That’s not a good combo. Aunt Crazy calms down just in time to let Sansa know she’ll be marrying her breast feeding cousin Robin as soon as Tyrion is executed.

My advice to Sansa…

On the road with Brienne and Pod. Pod’s not really good at the whole horse riding thing. These two are the perfect buddy cop comedy of Westeros.

The Hound wakes up from his nap and freaks when Arya isn’t there. He finds her practicing her swordplay nearby and flips. He’s not a fan of her technique. Angry Arya is often the best part of an episode. This episode is no exception. The Hound challenges her to show off her stuff on him. Arya doesn’t even hesitate to stab the Hound in the gut. Unfortunately for Arya, the Hounds armor beats Needle’s point the way rock beats scissors.

Next time, throw paper.

The Hound is nice enough to give Needle back after bloodying Arya’s lip and sending her to the ground.

Cersei meets up with Sexy Wil Wheaton. I could see these two getting it on if he was more Cersei’s type, you know, a blood relative. Princess Low Cut has nothing on the Prince of Dorn when it comes to low cut shirts. The dude dresses like J Lo. Cersei takes the best line in this scene with, “Everywhere in the world, they hurt little girls.” There’s a lot of best lines in this episode. Amazingly, none of them have come from Bronn so far, but he’s nowhere to be found.

Back at the Brienne and Pod show, Pod is burning a freshly hunted rabbit. Like really burning it. It’s on fire because he forgot to skin it first. For some reason I thought Pod was a good cook. I now realize that I think I was maybe confusing him with Peeta from The Hunger Games. That doesn’t make much sense, but that’s the only reason I can think of for thinking he was a good cook. Also, whatever happened to that kid that used to hang out with Arya after she fled King’s Landing? That’s not Pod, right? For some reason, I keep thinking that guy and Pod are the same person. When Pod reveals that he put a spear through the back of a man’s head to save Tyrion’s life, his status with Brienne takes a turn for the better. I love these two.

Up north, it’s snowing at Kraster’s Keep. The Six Fingered Man is either doing some spy work or he’s really into watching rough sex. Or maybe it’s a little of column A, a little of column B. He finds the shack where Brann and company are being kept. The kid from Love, Actually hints that he and his sister won’t be in many more episodes. Then his hand catches fire, but only in his mind.

Owen from Torchwood is ready to rape Love, Actually‘s sister in front of everyone. Love, Actually tries to bargain with him, offering Owen a look into his future. “Torchwood’s not coming back…ever” Owen’s not happy with this news. Love, Actually tells Owen that Owen is going to die just time time for Jon and the rest of the Night’s Watch to start their attack. While Jon fights, the Six Fingered Man goes in Brann’s shack, ready to kidnap him. Brann does his possession thing and takes over Hodor’s body. The Six Fingered Man never stood a chance. Hodor choke slams the Six Fingered Man’s lifeless body into the snow. Brann calls for Jon, but Love, Actually talks Brann out of it, saying that Jon would never let Brann continue his journey.

It’s Snow vs. Owen! Jon has one big sword. Owen has two little ones What’s fun about Game of Thrones is that these fights really can go either way. No one is safe on the show. Owen fights dirty, but one of Kraster’s daughter-wives distracts Owen just long enough for Jon to put a sword through the back of his throat and out his mouth. That has to be a weird feeling, seeing a new metal tongue coming out of your mouth right before you die.

One mutineer survived Jon’s attack on Kraster’s Keep. Unfortunately for him, Hodor freed Jon’s dire wolf on his way out of town and Ghost is hungry. Update: no mutineer’s survived Jon’s attack on Kraster’s Keep. Jon reunites with Ghost and tries to get Kraster’s daughter-wives to come back to Castle Black with them. The ladies decide to go out and make it on their own though, doing it their way, Laverne and Shirley style.

The episode ends with Kraster’s Keep burning to the ground.

May 9, 2014 by Billy Henehan

Game of Thrones – S4E4 – Oathkeeper – Recap

Hi everyone and welcome back to Tuesday Night Movies’s recaps of Game of Thrones. Sorry for the delay between entries. I was vacationing in Portugal and Spain, and am now playing a bit of catch up.

In this recap, you can expect to find SPOILERS for this episode and previous episodes, but no SPOILERS of future events. I haven’t read the books. If you have read the books, I simply ask that you please keep any spoilers of future events in the show to yourself. Thanks!

SPOILERS for Oathkeeper follow after this photo of Littlefinger sitting atop the Iron Throne.

The episode begins with the captain of the Unsullied (Grey One? Grey Worm?) being tutored in Westerosi as a Second Language from Dany’s Executive Assistant/Head Fly Girl. I get the feeling that despite him being a eunuch, he’s hot for teacher. After his tutoring session ends, he leads a team of Unsullied into a union meeting held by the local slave chapter. Things aren’t going well for the “Let’s revolt” side until Dany’s men drop bags and bags of swords at the slaves’ feet. It’s amazing how bags of swords can sway a vote.

After the successful slave revolt, Dany decides to match the number of children the slave masters nailed to mile posts with the slave masters themselves. Why did the slave masters nail those children to the posts in the first place? Was it to show Dany how little they considered the slaves? To show her their strength as masters? As a warning as to what they’d do to her?

Wow, Dany standing atop the temple surveying her new city looks like History Channel level CGI. What’s up with that, HBO?

This actually looks better here than it did on my TV screen.

Jaime, aka Westeros’s first Cyborg, is training with Best Line Bronn. It’s a pretty even sparring match until Bronn beats Jaime with Jaime’s own metal hand. Bronn is too cool. No joke, I would totally watch a Jaime and Bronn buddy knight spinoff show. After the sparring match, Bronn uses his secret Jewish-mother guilt power to get Jaime to visit his imprisoned brother Tyrion.

The scene with Jaime and Tyrion in Tyrion’s cell might be my favorite scene this episode that didn’t involve Jaime being hit with his own hand. The dialogue here is so good that you’d think Bronn was in the scene. “Are you really asking if I killed your son?” “Are you really asking if I’d kill my brother?” This scene is too good!

Sansa is on Littlefinger’s boat. Littlefinger tells Sansa he’s marrying her Aunt, the one who never stops breastfeeding. Sansa confronts Littlefinger about his involvement in killing Joffrey. This scene is all about how Joffrey died. Ryan Broderick wrote an excellent play by play for Buzzfeed on how exactly Joffrey died. I definitely recommend checking that out. It completely matches up with the explanation given in this scene and the next scene. Littlefinger is so much more cunning than Tommy Carcetti and it really shows in this scene. Seriously, this scene establishes Littlefinger as the most dangerous man in Westeros. His explanation on keeping his enemies (and friends) in the dark reminded me of Heath Leger’s monologue as the Joker in The Dark Knight.

Littlefinger doesn’t say outright who his “new friends” are who wanted Joffrey dead, but he’s saying this in voiceover as we see Princess Low Cut and Grandma walking in a garden. If you didn’t catch on by this point that Grandma’s in on it, that’s on you. But just so it’s clear for everyone, Grandma ~~confesses~~ brags to Princess Low Cut about her hand in Joffrey’s death. Grandma’s got a past. She stole her own sister’s intended husband by using her Grandmotherly vajayjay. Princess Low Cut giggles just a little too much while her Grandma goes in depth about her night of passion with Princess Low Cut’s grandfather. I’ll take Conversations No One Has Ever Had With Their Grandmother for $800, Alex.

Up at The Wall, the Six Fingered Man has joined the crew. I like that those scars on his face are from when Inigo Montoya cuts him in Prince Humperdink’s castle.

The Six Fingered Man makes nice with John Snow. When he shakes Snow’s hand, I tried counting the number of fingers on his hand, but the angle wasn’t right.

Jaime visits Cercei and there’s no mention of Jaime forcing himself on his sister when we last saw these two together. Cercei is back in ice queen mode. She’s also drinking a lot. Cercei questions Jaime’s loyalty vis-ais his being let go by the Starks. Cercei is also pissed that Jaime hasn’t gotten around to killing Tyrion yet. Cercei wants more guards on Tomlin, her other son with Jaime. Tomlin is next in line for the thrown. She then dismisses Jaime without even a little bit of sisterly nookie.

Tomlin, aka “Not all of us inbred children are crazy. See?” is lying in bed. Princess Low Cut wanders in, as low cut as ever. I’m guessing Jaime didn’t get around to posting extra guards. Princess Low Cut, isn’t this kid like 10? That makes this scene kind of gross. Not as gross as a brother raping his sister at the feet of their dead son’s body, but it’s up there.

When I heard that the title of the episode was Oathkeeper, I worried for Tyrion. I couldn’t remember if Jaime, Mr. Oathbreaker/Kingslayer made a vow to his sister/lover, Cercei, to kill his brother/best part of the show, Tyrion. Thankfully, Oathkeeper turned out to be the name that Lady Brienne gives the sword that Jaime “The Regifter” Lannister gives her when he sends her out on a quest to find and keep safe Sansa Stark. Jaime also gives Brienne some really sweet armor. This doesn’t look like a regifting, but who can say with The Regifter, especially when he follows this by regifting Tyrion’s squire to Brienne. Can you regift your brother’s stuff? Especially if it’s a person? Only if you’re Jaime Lannister. Now that is one longing gaze from Jaime when Brienne rides off.

Up at Castle Black, Sam has come to the conclusion that was wildly apparent to everyone in the audience a couple of weeks ago, namely that leaving Gilly at the best little whorehouse in the north wasn’t a good idea. He wants to go get her, but Jon Snow talks him out of it. Jon realizes that his kid brother Brann might be at Kraster’s Keep at the exact same time that Jon’s asshole boss tells Jon it’s okay for him to grab some brothers and take out the mutineers at Kraster’s Keep. Synergy, I tell you. The men who volunteer to go with Jon are really good at volunteering one at a time. There’s no awkward two guys getting up at the same time. They must drill volunteering at meetings on a regular basis at Castle Black. Surprise, surprise, the Six Fingered Man volunteers.

Up at Kraster’s Keep, Owen from Torchwood and his merry mutineers are getting drunk and raping women. They’re like the lacrosse fraternity of Westeros. All they need are some backwards white baseball caps. Owen finds out about Kraster giving his male babies to the White Walkers, and the ladies in Kraster’s Keep get super creepy chanting “The gift of the gods” in unison over and over. There’s nothing like women chanting in unison for you to get you to sacrifice a baby to a bunch of ice zombies.

I liked you so much better in Torchwood.

We check in on Brann, Hodor and company. They hear the sacrificed baby crying, so they’re right by Kraster’s. Brann possesses his dire wolf in order to get a looksie. He finds Ghost, Jon’s wolf, locked up and captured. Brann’s crew quickly figures out these guys are not Night’s Watch anymore…almost as quickly as they get caught by the mutinous Night’s Watchmen. They haze Hodor. It must be pledge week. Owen threatens all of them, taking a knife to the neck of the girl who kind of looks like Brann. He keeps yelling “Who are ya?” at her. I’m wondering the same thing. Does this girl have a name? When Brann says who he is, Owen’s top man, the guy who looks like he won his part in a “Who Wants to Be on Game of Thrones?” contest in his local comic book store, says that Brann is Jon Snow’s brother. This keeps Brann and company alive…for now.

A pale rider on a zombie horse is carrying the sacrificed baby and riding to…Snake Mountain? He puts the baby on an ice alter. Another White Walker, this one who seems to have a crown growing out of his head, strolls over and picks up the baby. When he touches the baby, the baby’s eyes go ice blue like a White Walker’s. Wait, is this how White Walkers are made? Don’t answer that. I can wait to find out on the show.

And then the episode ends. Huh, I always thought of the White Walkers as arctic zombies, but I’ve clearly been underestimating them. They’re not mindless. And they’re powerful, not just physically.

April 23, 2014 by Billy Henehan

Tuesday Night Comics Podcast 16 – New Comics For April 23, 2014

Welcome to the latest episode of the Tuesday Night Comics podcast. In this episode, Billy and Dave preview give you their top picks for comic book hitting comic book shops the week of Wednesday, April 23, 2014. The guys also review their favorite comics from the past week.

Game of Thrones even makes into the podcast, with the 20th issue of the Game of Thrones series from Dynamite coming out this week. The guys discuss how it compares to the books and TV show show in terms of quality.

Plus, Dave gets a new nickname, Roy Harper gets brought up a lot and Dave has a special request for the listeners! Help a brother out!

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April 21, 2014 by Billy Henehan

Game of Thrones – S4E3 – Breaker of Chains – Recap

Welcome to another SPOILER FILLED recap of Game of Thrones! As I’ve mentioned in past weeks, I have a hard time keeping track of everyone’s name on the show, and I don’t want to Google people’s names and risk seeing spoilers, so bear with me and my use of nicknames. I haven’t read the books, so I’ll only be talking about what’s on the show. If you have read the books, please be cool and don’t spoil future events in the show.

There are plenty of SPOILERS in this recap of episode 3 of season 4 of Game of Thrones. If you’d like to go in fresh, I HIGHLY RECOMMEND not reading past the photo below of Iron Man lounging on the Iron Throne.

During the opening credits, I noticed that George RR Martin did not write this episode. Hear that, main characters? You’re safe this week!*

Remember when Jaime returned to King’s Landing last season, and that moment when his and Cersei’s eyes met? If you’re like me, you thought, “Awwwwwwwww, wait, wait, gross. Gross!” That happened again to me this episode, when Jaime entered the Sept and saw Cercei standing quietly over the body of their dead son. “Man, can’t these two ever catch a break? Wait, wait, they’re still brother and sister! Gross!” It gets worse, as Jaime proceeds to rape his sister/lover next to the body of his son/nephew. I swear, if these Lannisters weren’t filthy rich and good looking, they’d be the swamp people of Westeros.

Left to right: Tyrion, Jaime and Cersei

Oh, before Jaime raped her, Cersei tried to get him to promise to kill Tyrion, their little-person brother, whom Cersei thinks killed their son. Swamp people, I tell ya.

Besties!

Speaking of Tyrion, he’s locked in a dungeon. His squire, Pod, comes to visit him. The guards catch Pod’s bottle of wine, but miss everything else from the kitchen pantry that he’s hidden on himself. Pod’s tunic is like Jerry’s trench coat in Parker Lewis Can’t Lose.

Is there any item that is not in the pockets of that magical trench coat?

I hoped that the title Breaker of Chains referred to Tyrion escaping prison, maybe even Bronn breaking him out by having himself thrown in jail with a map of the dungeon tattooed on his body. No such luck. Things aren’t looking good for Tyrion. His sister wants him dead, and the tribunal hearing his case seems like a stacked deck against him. Realizing his own goose is cooked, Tyrion advises Pod to do whatever he can to save himself, even if it means publicly turning on Tyrion. He does ask Pod to bring him Jaime. Um, Tyrion, that might not be the best idea…

The jester helps Sansa flee King’s Landing and takes her to a g-g-ghost ship! Oh wait, it’s only Littlefinger’s boat. Littlefinger’s men put a couple of crossbow bolts into the jester as a thank you for his hard work once Sansa is safely on board. It turns out that the jester has been working for Littlefinger for the past few episodes. For a guy on a boat pretty far from land, Littlefinger sure knows a lot about Joffrey’s death, enough to implicate himself in the crime. If he’s not behind Joffrey’s death, he has to at least know who is. On a completely separate note, I’m currently watching The Wire for the first time ever and now when Littlefinger comes onscreen, all I see is Tommy Carcetti.

Littlefinger, by way of Baltimore.

In another part of Westeros, Arya and The Hound are taken in for the night by a widower farmer and his daughter. In case either the audience or Arya was starting to like The Hound over the past few episodes, he’s roundly depicted as an asshole here, first by being a dick to the farmer who feeds him and puts him up for the night, and then by robbing said farmer. I was kind of hoping Arya would take a stab at the back of The Hound’s knee with Needle as he was walking away with the farmer’s silver.

Back to King’s Landing, and Queen Low Cut is trying to figure out one of the things my friends and I were trying to figure out after the end of the last episode, namely is she the queen? Grandma says she is, but advises her granddaughter not to press the issue. Queen Low Cut wonders if she’s cursed, looking back on her last two husbands. Grandma flips that coin on its head and suggests that Margaery might be blessed, considering how she’s come out on top in both relationships. Are we headed for a pairing of Queen Low Cut and Joffrey’s younger brother, the future king? It certainly seems that way.

Speaking of Joffrey’s younger brother, he’s being groomed by grandfather to become king. Pop-Pop Tywin asks him questions similar to those asked by the Bridge Keeper in Monty Python and the Holy Grail.

Tywin asks King Newbie what is the most important quality for a king to possess. Tywin walks King Newbie to the answer being wisdom, which Tywin is happy to point out, he’s full of, so listen to Pop-Pop.

Up in the north, Sam decides that Gilly would be safer in a whorehouse than in Castle Black, because she might get raped at Castle Black. But who could ever get raped at a whorehouse? Samwell Tarly, brains of The Wall, people. The whore who talks to Gilly looked like she stepped right off the stage of Les Miz. I wouldn’t have been surprised if the people in the whorehouse had broken out into Lovely Ladies as soon as Sam left.

Also up in the north, the Wildlings are raiding a village. In my recap of Two Swords, I referred to the Wildling with the scars on his face as White Omar, but I won’t be doing that any longer, because when do you know Omar to ever take the life of a citizen? Omar only goes after players in the game. White Omar has no such code, and will now be referred to as Scarface.

The episode ends with Dany and company attempting to grow their army by freeing the slaves of another city. Has it only been one full episode since we last saw her? I think I was going through Khalesi withdrawal. Game of Thrones producers: Danaerys every episode, please! The city’s champion challenges Dany’s champion. In a funny display, the city’s champion shows off his manhood and takes a piss on the ground, really sticking it to the eunuchs in Dany’s army. Dany has to figure out who she wants to be her champion. She rules out a few people, including Friend Zone, as being too valuable, and really cements Friend Zone’s place in her world when she describes him as her most trusted adviser and best friend.

Tough break, Friend Zone.

McDreamy points out that Dany can barely stand him, so he should be her champion. The fight that ensues was almost straight out of Raiders of the Lost Ark. I half-expected McDreamy to pull out a pistol.

Dany launches catapults over the city walls. They don’t do much damage…at least, not physically. The catapults launch barrels filled the collars of the freed slaves of Dany’s army. A slave picks one up, and you can tell that his owner in the background is about to have a very bad day.

*Just kidding. Martin didn’t write the teleplay for The Rains of Castamere,aka The Red Wedding, so main characters, you can go at any time! That said, whenever I see Martin get the writing credit for an episode, my first thought is, “Shit’s about to go down.”

Hey! Do you like Orphan Black? Well, if so, we’re now recapping Orphan Black starting with season 2! Check out the first episode of season two’s recap here!

April 14, 2014 by Billy Henehan

Game of Thrones – S4E2 – The Lion and the Rose – Recap

Wow. Seriously, Wow. Well, I definitely did not see that one coming. But I’m getting ahead of myself. As I mentioned last week, I have a hard time keeping track of everyone’s name on the show, and I don’t want to Google people’s names and risk seeing spoilers, so bear with me and my use of nicknames. I haven’t read the books, so I’ll only be talking about what’s on the show. If you have read the books, please be cool and don’t spoil future events in the show. Spoilers after this cool picture of Walter White sitting on the iron throne. The episode starts out in the woods of Bolton country. Matchbox 20’s Robb Thomas is leading a hunting party after a blonde girl named Tansy. The hunting party is a brunette girl, Theon and two dogs trained by Michael Vick. Apparently they’re hunting Tansy because the brunette girl was jealous of her. It’s like Veronica’s sick fantasy about what do about Betty in an Archie comic. Betty/Tansy doesn’t make it. Pro tip: when being chased by hunting hounds, do not stop running. We cut to Tyrion and Jaime brunching together. Tyrion gives Cersei the best nickname, “The Mother of Madness.” Jaime laments that he can’t fight anymore, and can’t trust anyone to train him to fight left handed without someone blabbing. Tyrion says knows just the guy. Of course, we immediately cut to Best-Line Bronn, who is leading Jaime to a secluded platform by the cliffs to train him. And of course, Bronn lives up to his nickname when he explains to Jaime why he’s sure that no one will hear them while they’re training. Basically, this is where Bronn takes some big dude’s wife to have sex with her. She’s a loud one, and if no one can hear them banging each other, no one will hear a couple of swords banging together. Tyrion is the best, but Bronn might be my favorite character on the show.

Back in the land of the Boltons, Robb Thomas welcomes his father (who I will now be calling Michael Bolton) home from killing Robb Stark. The guy who took Jaime’s hand is with the dad too. This guy really looks like Count Tyrone Rugen, the six fingered man from The Princess Bride. He even talks like him. I really hope he has six fingers, and that he’s giving Christopher Guest a kickback for this performance. I also really hope that Mandy Patankin is cast in an upcoming episode to dispatch this guy. Michael Bolton is not happy that Robb Thomas tortured Theon into his current state. Poor Theon. One day you’re fingering your sister on horseback, the next day you’re the gimp from Pulp Fiction. Theon/Reek admits to Michael Bolton that he didn’t kill the Stark boys. Michael Bolton sends the six fingered man after the Stark kids. Question time. Is the last name Snow is Westoros similar to the last name Doe? Robb Thomas’s last name is Snow and he’s a bastard, just like John Snow. Is Snow just a way to denote someone as a bastard? Or are John and this guy possibly related? Varys tells Tyrion that Cersei knows about him and Shae, and that Cersei told their father, Tywin. If Tyrion doesn’t get Shae out of the country, she’s dead. This leads to Tyrion White Fanging Shae. Cold, Tyrion. Stone cold.

Joffrey is having a breakfast party. Is it his birthday? No, wait, it’s his bachelor party. Tyrion gives him an oversized book delineating the history of four past kings. Joffrey thanks him while making a face that says, “Joffrey don’t read.” Tywin presents Joffrey with the second of the two swords he forged from the Stark’s sword last episode. Joffrey tests it out by chopping his new book in two. Fucking Joffrey. I’m convinced George R. R. Martin was bullied by a guy named Geoffrey growing up. Oh great, Smoky Vajayjay is back. I hate that red headed witch. She’s quite possibly my least favorite character on the whole show. Yeah, Joffrey’s awful, but lady is awful and pretentious. But really, she’s the worst. Every time she comes on screen, I’m thinking, “Here we go again.” She’s like that one friend you had back in the ’90s who was just a little too into Wicca.

In case you don’t get her nickname…

Up north, Bran is still hanging in the woods with the kid from Love, Actually, Hodor, and that girl who kind of looks like a tall Bran. Bran tells Hodor to take him to the tree from the Wizard of Oz, the one with the face in it. Bran touches it and has a vision. And it is a werid-ass vision. A voice says “Look for me, beneath the tree. North,” while sees a bunch of images, including Ned Stark in jail, a zombie horse, the back of a man who looks like John Snow, snow falling on the Iron Throne (see what they did there?), Bran himself falling out of the tower and some other weird stuff. Royal wedding time! Joffrey marries Princess Low Cut. She’s now Queen Low Cut. Crazy love triangles between Cersei, Jaime and Brianne, and then again with Jaime, Cersei and Loras. That dude who kinda looks Will Wheaton dressed as J. Lo, his girlfriend Slave Leia and Loras even have a love triangle going on, though this is the only love triangle in the episode that all three people look like they’re really into and have no problem with. Joffrey needs to be Joffrey at the wedding, so he holds a five way midget joust. Joffrey is officially that douchey frat guy you met in college whose parents had too much money. It’s Lil’ Joffey, Lil’ Robb Stark, Lil’ Renley, Lil’ Stannis and Lil’ Balon Greyjoy in a battle royal. This wedding is turning into who can Joffrey irk more, Sansa or Tyrion. After Lil’ Joffrey stands victorious, Joffrey order Tyrion to fight Lil’ Joffrey. Tyrion declines, saying Joffrey should show off those legendary fighting skills that has kept King’s Landing safe. Tyrion is smooth like Don Draper in this scene. Joffrey, being the annoying, overprivileged frat boy that he is, then pours his wine on Tyrion’s head, and has the balls to command Tyrion to refill his goblet. Joffrey wants a reaction out of Tyrion. Tyrion doesn’t give it to him. So Joffrey chucks his wine glass under the table and commands Tyrion to fetch it. Sansa bends down under the table and hands Tyrion the goblet. Just when it seems like it’s going to come to head between Joffrey and Tyrion, Queen Low Cut announces it’s time for pie. Joffrey cuts the pie with his sword. Doves come flying out. A few of the dove didn’t make it. I ain’t eating that dead dove pie. Sansa wants to bounce. Tyrion too. They try to exit, stage right. Joffrey has other ideas and wants Uncle Tyrion to bring him more wine. Tyrion retrieves Joffrey’s goblet from Grandma’s table. Man, grandma is really looking intently at that wine goblet.

And that’s when shit gets real! Joffrey starts coughing and drops dead! Ho. Lee. Shit. Did that just happen? The baddest bad guy in Westeros is dead? Wow! Oh crap, does this mean more scenes with Smokey Vajayjay? Ugh…

Who killed ~~Mr. Burns~~ Joffrey??? Obviously, it wasn’t Tyrion. He looked as surprised as anyone, and come on, we’ve all seen enough episodes of Law & Order to know it’s never the first suspect. I’ve got four leading candidates for the identity of the murderer.

Sansa – Boy, does she have motive. And she had oppurtunity as well, when she bent down to pick up the wine cup under the table. You can see her free hand pass over the cup before she hands it to Tyrion. But why would she be carrying poison on her? To off herself on the night of Joffrey’s wedding? That sounds Sansa-like. She’s been talking suicide for awhile, but maybe seeing Lil’ Robb Stark get “decapitated” was enough for her to decide to share her poison. And the Jester was keen on getting Sansa out of there in a hurry when the shit hit the fan.
Grandma – She clearly doesn’t like what she’s heard about the way Joffrey treats women, and she loves her granddaughter. Joffrey takes a sip of his wine after Sansa handled it, and was fine. He then puts his goblet down on Grandma’s table when it’s time for pie. That pie scene provided plenty of misdirection for Grandma to lace his wine.
Wil Wheaton dressed as J. Lo – This dude clearly has motive. His sister died in the sacking of King’s Landing, which the Lannisters played a huge part in. Could he have poisoned Joffrey? But if he did, how? He was seated far away. Maybe the wine wasn’t poisoned at all. Joffrey was the only one to try the pie.
Wil Wheaton – Red Viper
Tywin – If Joffrey dies, Joffrey’s little brother is next in line for succession. Tywin doesn’t need the title of king, as long as he had the power. Joffrey immediately showed that he wouldn’t be his uncle’s puppet, and Tywin’s already hinted that he has no problem killing his own children if they got in his way. Forbidden lovechild grandson never stood a chance. The thing is, though, why give Joffrey that new bitchin’ Valyrian steel sword for his wedding if Tywin was planning on killing him only hours later. I guess it does make for a good alibi, if it turns out that he is the killer.

Out of the four, I’m leaning towards Grandma and/or Tywin being behind Joffrey’s death. Don’t trust anyone over 30, kids.

If you’ve read the books, and know who killed Joffrey, please keep that information to yourself! Comments and theories are welcome below, but please avoid spoilers of future events on the show.

March 21, 2014 by Billy Henehan

Game of Thrones S4E1 – Two Swords – Recap

Are you excited for Season 4 of Game of Thrones? Hell yeah, me too! Here’s my recap of Season 4, episode 1. I have a hard time keeping track of everyone’s name on the show, and I don’t want to Google people’s names and risk seeing spoilers, so bear with me and my use of nicknames. I haven’t read the books, so I’ll only be talking about what’s on the show. If you have read the books, please be cool and don’t spoil future events in the show.

There are plenty of SPOILERS in this recap of episode 1 of season 4 of Game of Thrones. If you’d like to go in fresh, I HIGHLY RECOMMEND not reading past the photo below of Emma Watson sitting on the Iron Throne.

Seriously! No further than this photo! Come back after you’ve seen the episode!

We’ll still be here.

The show opens with Tywin Lanister overseeing the melting down of Robb Stark’s sword. It’s so big that he makes two, one for him and one for Jamie.

The wildlings meet up with more wildlings. Is wildling something you capitalize, like Americans or New Yorkers? Just wondering. It’s pointed out by head Wildling (that just looks weird. I’m going back to not capitalizing) Redbeard that John Snow’s red-headed girlfriend could shoot a rabbit through the eye from far away. She hit John Snow with three arrows. He hints that if he’s still alive, she won’t be for long. Wildlings from the south join up. The head wildling from the south has a whose-dick-is-bigger contest with Redbeard from the north. I think it ended in a tie. I didn’t catch the head wildling from the south’s name, but his face has big scars on it, so I’m calling him White Omar. “White Omar comin’.”

Jaime gets fitted with Beyonce’s C3P0 hand from Single Ladies. He’s not happy. He kind of looks like the guy with the metal hand from He-Man. Not Fisto, the Asian guy from He-Man who had that gold karate chop hand.

His name is Jitsu.

Cersei gets all “You’ve been gone so long, it turns out I don’t need you” on Jaime, who just wants to get some hump time on his sister. Cold hearted, sis. Cold hearted.

It gets worse for Jaime when he has to meet with his son-nephew, King Joffrey. Joffrey, always the worst, belittles Jaime and wonders how a one-handed head guard will keep him safe. The look on Jamie’s face says he’s wondering why he wants to stay with his son-nephew and sister-babymomma.

Khalessi is marching her army closer to King’s Landing. One of the unsullied and Smarmy-McBearderson are having a contest to see who can hold their sword up longest. It’s not as dirty as it sounds. Winner gets to ride next to Khaleesi. Regardless, Khaleesi is unimpressed and tells them both to ride behind the army. Smarmy-McBearderson gets back in her favor by giving her a blue rose, some Catan-esque wheat and a pretty yet poisonous red flower. Classic Smarmy McBearderson. Dude is the FTD of Westeros. I might start calling him Smarmy-McPantydropper. This scene did make me bummed for Friend Zone. Always in the friend zone, that Friend Zone.

Brynn meets with Joffrey’s future wife, Princess Low Cut, and her grandmother, The Flying Nun. The Flying Nun is way impressed by Brynn. Brynn fills in Princess Low Cut about the shade that killed Renly and how it looked like Sourpuss, I mean Stannis, Baratheon. How is that I remember Renly’s name, but not his hot widow’s?

Tyrion is living in Game of Thrones – The Sitcom. First he has to greet an incoming prince, who doesn’t show, but sent his younger brother, Inigo Montoya, in his place. Tyrion finds him in Littlefinger’s brothel about to get his 4-way on. During their conversation, you really get the impression that Inigo Montoya hates Lannisters, like “You killed my father. Prepare to die.” level hatred. But he does offer Tyrion and Best-Line Bronn spots in his gang-bang. Bronn seems ready to party, but Tyrion turns him down. Best-Line Bronn once again gets the best lines in the show, but what else would you expect? Later, Tyrion has to deal with Sansa, his forced wife. Sansa is depressed. Tyrion tries talking Sansa out of her funk. Seeing Tyrion talking to Sansa gets his lover, Shay, pissed. The Tyrion sitcom continues. He’s just trying to keep his wife from killing herself and his lover happy. He’s doing a so-so job at both.

Brynn and Jaime watch Sansa from above while she’s sitting alone. Brynn makes Jamie promise to keep Sansa safe. Jaime’s all like “Do I have to?” and Brynn’s all like, “Um yeah.” Jaime says ‘Okay”. Things get creepy when someone is following Sansa. But it turns out to be a guy Sansa saved from beheading, who gives her a necklace. I wonder if we’ll see him again.

Arya and The Hound are still on their horseback ride through the country that began last season. The Hound wants to sell Arya to her aunt. They come across the king’s men who took Arya’s sword Needle and killed her friend. The Hound makes fun of the name Needle and sword names in general. Hound: “What’s with people naming their swords? I mean, who are these people?” Arya wants her sword back. The Hound wants some food. Arya’s sword thief gets uppity with The Hound, which never seems like a good idea. Sword Thief and his men quickly die. Arya kills him last with her retrieved Needle while saying his own lines back at him from when he took Needle.

The episode ends with scenes from this coming season on Game of Thrones, which looks awesome!

NEXT: Game of Thrones – S4E2 – The Lion and the Rose – Recap

November 25, 2013 by Billy Henehan

Geeky Holiday Gift Guide

The holidays are right around the corner. Are you looking for the perfect gift for the geek in your life? Tuesday Night Movies is here to help!

Marvel Cinematic Universe: Phase One – Avengers Assembled Boxed Set

This box set comes with all of the Marvel Cinematic Universe movies leading up to and including The Avengers. You get Iron Man, The Incredible Hulk, Iron Man 2, Thor, Captain America, and The Avengers. What really makes this set cool is that everything is packaged in a SHIELD-branded briefcase that contains a light-up tesseract inside!

Captain America: The Winter Solider Ultimate Collection

Next year’s Captain America: The Winter Soldier movie is largely based on Ed Brubaker’s run on the Captain America comic, where he introduced Cap’s mysterious new enemy, the Winter Soldier. This collection has stunning art by Steve Epting and Michael Lark, and an amazing story by Brubaker.

Doctor Who: Series 1-7 Limited Edition Gift Set

BBC has finally released the Chistopher Eccleston and David Tennant years of Doctor Who on Blu Ray. This set includes all of those seasons, plus seasons 5-7 starring Matt Smith as the Doctor. The set also includes an awesome fully functional sonic screwdriver universal remote control. You can use it on your TV, blu ray player, speakers, anything that will work with a universal remote. This is the closest you’ll get to feeling like a time lord without having a second heart implanted in you.

Doctor Who Tardis Beach Towel

Sure, it’s cold out now, but summer will be here soon enough. Or maybe the Doctor will show up to pick up you and friends for a weekend getaway to the Caribbean in the middle of January. In either situation, this Tardis towel is a must-own item.

Han Solo Frozen in Carbonite Bottle Opener

Transform your kitchen in Jabba’s throne room! This is quite possibly the coolest looking bottle opener ever, a highly detailed replica of Han Solo frozen in carbonite from The Empire Strikes Back and Return of the Jedi. And it’s functional too. The back of Han Solo is magnetic, so it will stick to your fridge. The bottle opener is solid metal, not some flimsy plastic, so it should last you a long time.

Star Wars Tauntaun Sleeping Bag

I received one of these Tauntaun sleeping bags for Christmas when ThinkGeek first introduced them a couple of years ago. It is quite possibly the best Christmas present I ever received. You should buy this for someone you love. And buy one for yourself too while you’re at it.

Harry Potter Wizard’s Collection (Blu Ray/DVD Combo/Ultraviolet Combo)

There have been many Harry Potter movie collections over the years, but this is the mother of all Harry Potter movie collections. It is 31 discs in total, including all 8 Harry Potter movies on both Blu Ray and DVD, and tons of special features. But what really sells this collection is how it’s contained. The box is a fold out chest of drawers. The discs are in book-like boxes. One disc is even hidden behind a secret compartment. The Ultra-Violet download codes are written on rolled-up scrolls. There are a couple of books included, The Catalog of Artifacts and The Label Collection, which really show off the detail that went into producing the props for the movies. There’s a map of Hogwarts and the surrounding area, and a blueprint of Hogwarts Castle. There’s even a horcrux locket! This is the ultimate gift for the Harry Potter fan in your life!

Harry Potter Triwizard Tournament Shirt

The perfect gift for the quidditch fan in your life. This is an exact replica of the shirt that Harry wears in the third challenge of the Triwzard Tournament. Potter is embroidered on the back and the shirt has the Hogwarts school crest on the front.

Star Trek Transporter Room Bath Mat & Shower Curtain Set

Modeled after the original Star Trek series, this bath mat and shower curtain set will transform your bathroom into the Transporter Room. Beam up to the Enterprise every time you step out of the shower!

Star Trek Spock Oven Mitt

This is just super. It’s an oversized Spock hand, giving the “Live long and proper” sign and it’s an oven mitt. I don’t know if this combination is logical, but it is definitely awesome!

Game of Thrones Scarves

Winter is coming. A man needs a scarf.

Game of Thrones: Iron Coin of the Faceless Man

Because a man needs a coin. This is a replica of the coin that Jaqen gives Arya. One side shows a faceless man. The other says reads: “Valar Morghulis, Valar Dohaeris,” which translates to “All men must die, all men must serve.” This is quite possibly one of the coolest prop replicas I’ve seen from HBO’s hit TV series.

The Walking Dead Season 3 Limited Edition Boxed Set

Winning the prize for the creepiest boxed set on the market is this version of AMC’s The Walking Dead Season 3. It comes packaged with a replica of The Governor’s collection of zombie heads in fish tanks. It even lights up from within to illuminate the heads. You can even fill the aquariums with water! And it comes with all of season 3 of The Walking Dead.

The Walking Dead: Daryl Dixon Funko Pop Vinyl Figure

Easily the coolest character on The Walking Dead, Daryl Dixon can now guard office desks and bookshelves from walkers in the form of this vinyl figure from Funko.

Batman: Arkham Origins Collectors Edition

The Arkham Asylum and Arkham City games have been my absolute favorite video games of the last couple of years. The latest chapter in the franchise was recently released, Batman: Arkham Origins. The collectors edition of Arkham Origins contains a slew of cool stuff, most notably a light-up statue of Batman’s archenemy, The Joker. You even get more game, as the collectors edition includes download codes for bonus content not included in the standard edition. When your thumbs are sore, you can watch the included Blu Ray of Necessary Evil: The Villains of the DC Universe.

Batman: The Dark Knight Returns Deluxe Edition

When DC first released the animated version of The Dark Knight Returns, they did it as two separate movies. The movies were very well received and DC has now combined the two of them into one epic movie. The Dark Knight Returns is one of the coolest Batman stories ever told.

July 19, 2013 by Billy Henehan

SDCC 2013 – The Best Comic-Con Exclusives

When it comes to exclusive merch, Comic-Con in San Diego is second to none. Comic and toy companies go above and beyond at San Diego in ways they don’t for other shows. If you’re at Comic-Con right now, there’s a decent chance you’re reading this while standing on line for one of the items listed below.

G.I Joe Skystriker Vehicle with Jetfire Deco and V.A.M.P. with Autobot Hound Deco and 3.75 inch Snake Eyes, Baroness and Bludgeon Special Edition Pack – Hasbro – $99.99

This is the third G.I. Joe/Transformers mash-up that Hasbro has sold at San Diego, and man, they really went all out this year. Two vehicles. Three figures. One of which is Snake Eyes. And another that is Bludgeon! I applaud Hasbro for going super-hardcore and releasing a Bludgeon figure. Unless you were reading the tail end of the Transformers series put out by Marvel in the 1980s, he’s probably not someone you’d recognize. His figure is definitely not aimed at the casual fan. And who couldn’t use a Snake Eyes with Autobot deco on him? On top of all this, you also get a G.I.Joe scaled Blaster boombox for Snake Eyes to rock out to! If you’re not at Comic-Con, you’ll have a very tiny window to buy this and Hasbro’s other exclusives on Hasbro’s website after the show.

Star Wars The Black Series 6-Inch Boba Fett Action Figure with Han Solo in Carbonite Accessory – Hasbro – $44.99

This year, Hasbro is launching a new line of Star Wars action figures, The Black Series. These figures will measure 6 inches and be more detailed than the standard Star Wars action figure line. To kick the series off, they’re selling a Boba Fett and Han Solo in Carbonite two-pack at Comic-Con. I’m kind of obsessed with Han Solo frozen in Carbonite. I may need this.

Marvel Universe 3.75 inch Deadpool Corps Special Edition Figure Set – Hasbro – $49.99

Tuesday Night Movies has a certain affinity to merchandise dedicated to the Merc with a Mouth. This set includes Deadpool, Lady Deadpool, Champion dressed as Deadpool, Kidpool, Squirrelpool and Dogpool, all packaged in tacos shells in a food truck box. Hasbro, you win this year.

Marvel Minimates Deadpools Assemble Pack – Action Figure Express – $22.00

Cable-Pool! Captain Ameri-Pool! Thor-Pool! Iron Deadpool! Best Minimates set ever?

Game of Thrones: 7″ Stark Shield Wall Plaque – Dark Horse – $30.00

The Lanisters send their regards.

Hellboy Qee Comic-Con T-Shirt Vinyl Figure – Dark Horse – $20.00

This figure is super cute, and you can buy a matching t-shirt for yourself at the SDCC show store.

Aardman Superman Action Figure – DC – $24.95

You’ve been hitting that cookie box a little too much lately, Superman.

Batman ’66 #1 Variant Cover Comic – DC – $10.00

I wasn’t planning on featuring any variant covered comics here, mainly because they’re usually overpriced and lame, but this one was too cool not to show.

Batman Classic TV Series Batusi Batman – Mattel – $30.00

The 1960s Batman TV show is all over Comic-Con this year. Mattel wins the award for best tie-in with this toy that captures one of the most classic scenes from the series, Batman dancing.

The Big Bang Theory Sheldon with Vintage Batman T-Shirt 8-Inch Action Figure – Entertainment Earth – $25.00

Seriously, the ’60s Batman show is everywhere at Comic-Con 2013. Even Dr. Cooper is getting in on the act.

Masters of the Universe Classic Rokkon and Stonedar 2-Pack – Mattel – $60.00

I had the original Rokkon when I was a kid and he was one of my favorite action figures. They’re men who turn into meteors! How cool is that! I would snatch up this new set in a heartbeat!

Star Wars Wrath of the Rancor Christmas Ornament – Hallmark – $?

I’m very happy to report that Hallmark will be selling this ornament at NYCC this year too. I’m not sure on the price, but I’m guessing it’d be in the $30-$40 range.

Doctor Who River Song’s Deluxe Journal – Entertainment Earth – $60.00

Entertainment Earth has been selling a cardboard covered version of River Song’s journal for a while now. But this faux-leather, embossed version is where it’s at. I defy you to find a cooler looking diary.

Spider-Ham Mini-Bust – Gentle Giant – $45

Peter Porker finally gets his due. Limited to only 500. I expect these to sell out fast.

And now for some of the SDCC exclusives that have me scratching my head…

Man of Steel Variant Statue – DC – $129.95

I’m not really sure who this is aimed at. Goth Superman fans?

“Magnitude” Admiral Ackbar Mini-Bust – Gentle Giant – $175

Admiral Ackbar. With a mustache. WTF. But at the same time, I kind of love it.

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