June 23, 2015 by Billy Henehan

Game of Thrones – S5E10 – Mother’s Mercy – Recap

The episodes opens with Vijayjay. She’s happy, the ice in the camp is melting. If an icicle melting doesn’t scream, “This was totally worth killing that child for,” I don’t know what does. Now that the storm is receding, Stannis can march on Winterfell. Vijayjay wants to kiss him, but he’s not interested. There’s something about murdering your only daughter that just takes the sex out of a relationship. Oh man, half of Stannis’s men deserted last night. Stannis was a hard man before, but he seems even harder now, like he’s made of stone. When one of his soldier arrives with news, Stannis commands him to “Speak up. It can’t be worse than mutiny.” Mrs. Stannis hung herself. Stannis’s reaction: “On to Winterfell.” Hard, I tell you.

Jon is telling Sam about the army of the undead. “How many Valyrian Steel swords are left in the seven kingdoms?” Sam asks. “Not enough.” Jon responds. Sam wants to be sent with Gilly and the baby to the Citadel in Old Town to become a maester. But really, I get the feeling he wants to save the baby. But he makes a good case for sending him: he can learn things that will help in their fight against the White Walkers. Jon doesn’t want him to go, but allows it. When Sam tells him about Gilly riding the Sam train, Jon is perplexed and asks him, “You’ve just been beaten half to death. How did you?” Same gets the best line of the episode with “Very carefully.”

Sam, Gilly and the baby depart. Jon’s number of friends in Castle Black keep dwindling.

Stannis’s army marches. Winterfell is before them.

The Boltons are getting ready for Stannis. Sansa uses the corkscrew from a couple of episodes back to escape her room. Why she drops the corkscrew in the doorway, I’ll never know. She brings a candle to the Old Tower, but lights it 10 second after Brienne stops looking for it. Classic Stark luck.

Pod is bringing back a dead fox and some wood. He spots Stannis’s army and rushes to Brienne to tell her.

Stannis wants to lay siege, but the Boltons aren’t having any of that. They ride out to him. Stannis draws his sword. The Bolton riders flank his men on both sides. It’s a bloody battle, but Stannis is standing at the end of it. Two of Bolton’s men slice his legs, but he slices their throats. Brienne approaches Stannis as he’s lying against a tree, unable to stand. She accuses him of murdering Renley with blood magic. Stannis admits to it. Brienne executes Stannis.

Ramsey survived the battle. He’s enjoying himself, picking off the few men left of Stannis’s army. The battlefield is littered with bodies on both sides.

Sansa tries sneaking back to her chambers, but is ambushed on the way by Ramsey’s girlfriend Myranda and Reek. Myranda is about to get all Katniss Everdeen up on Sansa with her bow and arrow, but Reek saves Sansa and throws Myranda to her death. Reek and Sansa run. When they see Ramsey returning, they make their escape Thelma and Louise-style off one of the high walls of Winterfell into the snow banks below.

Meryn Trant has three young girls in his room. He’s beating them bloody. This guy is sick. Two of the girls scream. The third, a girl whose hair is covering her face, doesn’t scream. Hello, Arya. She brushes her hair back…no, not Arya. Or is it? Her faces changes. It is Arya! She stabs Meryn Trant in the eyes and the chest. “You were the first person on my list, you know?” she tells him. Arya is to the paining this guy! She tells him he’s no one and slits his throat. Arya is officially a BAMF.

At the house of black and white, Arya puts the mask she used back in its place. Jaqen confronts her. He’s pissed. “Only death can pay for life.” he says, and whips out a vial of poison. Both Arya and I are worried he’s going to pour the poison down Arya’s throat. But he doesn’t! Jaqen poisons himself and drops dead! That was fucked up.

Wait, the girl is Jaqen too! Wait a second, how did she/he change her/his height? And are either of these the Jaqen from past seasons? Arya keeps ripping masks off Jaqen’s dead face. It’s like a Scooby Doo episode! Eventually Arya gets to own face, and then she goes blind. She can’t see and her eyes are all white. WTF!

Viper Mom kisses Myrcella on the lips as Myrcella, Jaime, Trystane and Bronn leave. My first thought is, “Did Viper Mom poison Myrcella with that kiss?” Dagger tells Bronn, “You want a good girl, but you need a bad pussy.” She knows Bronn so well.

On the boat, Jamie gives Myrcella a “We don’t choose whom we love” speech. He’s trying to tell her he’s her dad, but she already knows, and she’s cool with it. She says she’s glad Jamie is her father. Clearly, this shocks Jamie. Awwww. Wait, ew ew ew ew, he’s still her uncle-father. Damn inbred Lannisters making be care about their incestuous romance. Myrcella nose starts bleeding and she dies in Jamie’s arms. Fucking Viper Mom.

Back at the dock, Viper Mom and the Vipers are watching the boat sail away. Viper Mom’s nose is bleeding too. She wipes the blood from her nose and the poison off her lips. Then she drinks the antidote, the crazy viper girls following behind her.

Tyrion, Daario and Jorah are chilling in the throne room. Glad they lived. Grey Worm and Missandei join them. They talk of forming a party to go find Dany. Daario points out why Tyrion wouldn’t be an asset to a search party, saying “Mainly you talk.” Tyrion counters, “And drink.” Daario wants to leave Tyrion, Greyworm and Missandei to run Mereen. That leaves Daario and Jorah to find Dany. The boyfriend and friend zone hunting for Dany! Oh boy.

Tyrion watches Friend Zone and Daario leave. Varys comes out of nowhere and joins him on the balcony. Varys gives Tyrion a nice a pep talk that makes Tyrion almost happy to see him.

Dany and Drogon are on a mountaintop. Drogon is healing. He’s surrounded by the burnt skeletons of all the animals she’s eaten recently. Dany mounts Drogan, but he literally flips her off. She wants to go home, but he want to nap.

Some Dothraki ride up on Dany. By some, I mean a whole herd. They encircle her. She’s as confused by their appearance as I am. She drops her ring on the ground. Is this in case someone comes looking for her? Or did she not want the Dothraki to see that ring?

Cersei is in her cell. Her favorite nun visits and tells her to confess. Cersei confesses to the High Sparrow. She confesses to sleeping with Lancel, but not Jaime. She wants to return to her son, the king. The High Sparrow tells her, “After your atonement.” Cersei is stripped and washed by the nuns. They chop her hair off, giving her a stylish pixie cut. It’s like Cersei by way of Annie Lennox. They’re not precise with the razor and she’s bleeding from a few spots.

The High Sparrow makes her walk naked back to the castle through the crowds of people. A nun follows her ringing a bell and shouting “Shame!”. I think the High Sparrow checks out her ass as she walks away. That High Sparrow is so cheeky! Wow, this is a lot of naked Lena Headley this episode. Was she even this naked in the pilot? This is like season 1 Dany nakedness. The crowd catcalls Cersei, calling her a whore and a bitch and a cunt. She just keeps walking. They pelt her with rotten food. She just keeps walking. I’m pretty sure someone slapped feces on her shoulder. She’s spat on and hit with buckets of muck, but keeps walking. I will say this for the Faithful Militant, they beat back anyone who tries to actually touch her. She’s knocked to the ground, but gets back up and eventually reaches the safety of the castle. She’s crying, and her feet are bloody. Between that, and her new haircut, I feel like Annie Lennox’s Walking on Broken Glass should have been playing during this scene.

I also feel like this is going to give us Cersei 2.0. The High Sparrow and Viper Mom better watch their backs in season 6.

When Cersei enters the castle, she’s gawked at by the advisers she used to lord over. The only one who doesn’t gawk is Dr Frankenstein, who presents her with the newest member of the Kings Guard. I’ts Mountain, reborn as the WWE’s Undertaker.

Vijayjay returns to Castle Black alone, looking lost. Jon wants to know about Stannis, and Davos wants to know about Shireen. She meets them both with silence.

Later, Jon is reading his mail. I don’t think he’s getting the men he needs. Ollie, that punk kid who killed Ygritte last season, comes in with news. He tells Jon that wildling says Jon’s Uncle Benjen is still alive and the wildling knows where to find him. Jon is excited! I’m excited! You might be confused. Who is Uncle Benjen, you ask? He’s Ned’s brother and was First Ranger of the Night’s Watch in season 1. He disappeared when out ranging, only his horse returned. He’s been missing (and presumed dead) ever since. Jon is excited. He runs to where a group of Night’s Watch brothers have the wildling surrounded. But it was a ploy. There’s no wildling there, just a cross on it that says “TRAITOR.” Thorne stabs Jon, and says “For the Watch” as he does so. So do a bunch of other brothers. They all repeat “For the watch” as they stab him. Ollie is the last to stab him Jon. He almost hesitates. Fucking Ollie. First Ygritte and now Jon? I hate this kid.

They killed Jon Snow! No!!!!! WHATTT?!? Why make us care about his parentage if you’re just going to do him like that?!?

Jon Snow bleeds out in the snow. I sit on my couch stunned for the next five minutes, trying to come up with ways that Jon isn’t dead. My first and best idea is that Smoky Vijayjay find Jon and saves him with some of her blood and fire magic early next season. Red magic saved that Robin Hood dude that couldn’t kept coming back from dead a few seasons ago. Come on, Smoky Vijayjay! Redeem yourself and save Jon Snow!

June 17, 2015 by Billy Henehan

Game of Thrones – S5E9 – The Dance of Dragons – Recap

The episode opens on Stannis’s camp. Smoky Vijayjay is spooked. Fires are breaking out everywhere. Is this some kind of vision? No, no, this is real. Ramsey apparently came with his 20 good men. Davos wants to retreat. Between Ramsey’s sneak attack and the hard winter storm, they can’t press forward and soon will be snowed in and unable to retreat too. Stannis says no. He commands to “Have the dead horses butchered for meat.” That sounds like the story of Stannis’s army, am I right?

Jon and company return to the Wall. Thorne opens the gates. You can just tell that Thorne wants to kill every one of the wildlings and Jon too.

Stannis is sending Davos to the Wall to command Jon to give him more troops. Davos wants to take Stannis’s family with him, especially Stannis’s daughter, but Stannis says “My family stays with me.” I wonder if deep down Davos knows what Stannis has planned for his own daughter, Shireen. Davos visits Shireen before she leaves. She’s reading The Dance of Dragons. No spoilers, Shireen! I’m not up to that book yet!

Jaime is brought before the Dornish prince. Myrcella, Trystane and Slutty Princess Leia are all there. I really need a new nickname for Slutty Princess Leia. She hasn’t worn anything remotely resembling Leia’s outfit from Jabba’s throne room all season. That said, if my life depended on knowing what her actual name is, I’d be as dead as the Red Viper. Jaime tells them about the threatening message they received in King’s Landing regarding his daughter-niece. The prince doesn’t want war. He proposes a toast to Tomlin. Leia dumps her wine. Jaime wants Bronn freed, but the prince leaves it up to Prince Trystane to decide Bronn’s fate, since Bronn assaulted Trystane. The younger prince will set Bronn free on one conidtion…

The viper girls are in their cell. Two of them, Dagger and another one, Whip maybe, are playing the slap game. Dagger is losing…or is she? She eventually gets the better of her half-sister, and when it’s her turn, Dagger doesn’t bother going for her half-sister’s hands and slaps her in the face instead. The guard comes in and frees Bronn. Ah, it turned out Trystane’s one condition is that huge black guard knocks Bronn’s teeth in. Definitely better than dying.

Arya is selling oysters, clams and cuckolds down at the canal. She passes by the Slim Man, and ignores his call for some oysters when she spots Lord Tyrell and his gold cloak guardman. They have her full attention. She follows them. Arya spends the day eating shellfish and casing the Iron Bank. Mace Tyrell breaks out into a weird song; I’m not sure what that’s about. After sundown, she follows the gold cloak and two knights to a whore house. She is reprimanded to “Sell your fish somewhere else.” Heh, that line being said in a whorehouse makes me giggle. But there’s demand for the oysters in the whorehouse, and she’s allowed to stay. The gold cloak, who you may remember as Meryn Trant, the jerk who killed Arya’s sword teacher in s season one, likes young girls, like really young girls. He keeps calling the girls presented to him too old. When he’s finally given a girl of 10 or 12, he says wants her for more than the hour and wants a new one tomorrow. Gross. Gross. Gross.

Arya returns to the House of Black and White. She lies to Jaqen, saying that the Thin Man didn’t want oysters today. I think she was supposed to poison the Thin Man with her oysters, because Jaqen mentions that another man is dead today instead of the Thin Man.

The Dornish prince wants Viper Mom (formerly Slutty Princess Leia) to swear allegiance or die. She bows and swears allegiance to him. The viper girls aren’t happy for her humiliation. I don’t see how the prince thinks she’s even 1% actually contrite.

Jaime is writing a letter when Viper Mom comes to pay him a visit. She talks of love, and even approves of Jaime and Cersei’s love. Do not trust this lady, Jaime!

Stannis visits his daughter. She tells him about the dance of dragons. It’s a story that heavily resembles the current strife between the kings. Stannis sounds weak here, like he’s resigned to sacrificing his daughter. She says she’ll do anything she can to help. Don’t say that Shireen! Stannis mutters, “Forgive me.” Remember like, what, four or five episodes ago, when Stannis said he’d never let anyone harm his daughter? Yeah, well, about that…

Stannis’s daughter is marched to a stake. Smoky Vijayjay commands for Shireen to be tied to the stake. Stannis isn’t there to watch, and then he suddenly is. Both parents are there. Amazingly, Mrs. Stannis is the one who breaks, trying to free their daughter as the fire ignites around her. Huh, I wouldn’t have guessed that, with Mrs. Stannis being the originally thought sacrificing her own daughter was a good idea. Stannis stops Mrs. Stannis from intervening. Princess Shireen burns. Stannis looks like a shell of himself. This was supposed to empower him, but he just looks broken now.

Over in Mereen, everyone is at the fighting pits. The colosseum is full. Let’s get ready to rumbllllllllle. Tyrion has finally cleaned up, but is still sporting that beard. The first match features the strong vs. the quick. Last season taught me to pick the strong in this kind of fight (Red Viper RIP). Daario talks about how the quick will triumph. Down in the the quick quickly dies. Dany isn’t a fan of the fighting pits. When Dany’s fiance defends the fighting pits, Tyrion counters with “It’s easy to confuse what is and what ought to be especially when what is works in your favor.” and also tells him “My father would have liked you.” I can’t think of a bigger insult coming from Tyrion than a comparison to Tywin.

Friend Zone is in the next bout. It’s six way battle royale. Oh Jorah… Friend Zone is almost immediately stabbed in the throat. He bounces back, but is overpowered. Friend Zone manages kills the guy. Don’t relax, Jorah! You still have four other guys to fight. Friend Zone squares off against another fighter. The guy is way too quick for Jorah, cutting him three times. Eventually, it’s down to Friend Zone and one other fighter. Unfortunately, Jorah is disarmed. He looks to Dany. Is he looking for mercy? Tyrion tells her to end the fight. Dany’s future husband says she can’. Tyrion says she can. Amazingly, Friend Zone manages to avoid being killed, and despite his opponent being much more armored than him, he manages to stab the guy in the belly. Friend Zone stands before the queen. Come on, Jorah, say “Are you not entertained?” You know you want to. The people are all booing him. I think a lot of people lost a lot of money betting against Friend Zone. As he’s being booed, Friend Zone hurls a spear at Dany’s platform. But the spear wasn’t meant for her, or her fiance, or even Daario, but for a Son of the The Harpy that was sneaking up behind Dany. Harpies are everywhere. They’re butchering people. The Unsullied fight back and guard Dany. The Harpies kill Dany’s future husband. I did not see that one coming. I thought he was their boss. Tyrion saves Dany’s Missandei.

There are so many Harpies. It’s like the arena battle on Geonosis in Attack of the Clones. I will never forgive this episode of Game of Thrones for making me think of Attack of the Clones. Dany is surrounded. We need some dragons and we need them now. The Unsullied, Daario and Friend Zone are good at holding the Harpies back. Dany closes her eyes like she’s fine with dying and will do so on her feet. Just then, a dragon screeches! A dragon flies overhead. Drogon?

Dragon! Drogon flies down to protect Dany. The Harpies flee or burn. Some do both. The Harpies are men and women. For some reason, I thought they were all men. Maybe it’s because they’re called Sons of the Harpy. Time for a name change…if any of them survive Drogon. Crap, despite being huge, Drogon is still not a fully grown dragon. Spears piece him. He’s getting weaker. Dany walks to him, pulling spears from his hide. He yells at her. The Harpies attack him again. Dany mounts Drogon. She commands him forward and he flies away with her. Um, Dany, don’t forget your people down below…

June 13, 2015 by Billy Henehan

Game of Thrones – S5E8 – Hardhome – Recap

The episode starts with Tyrion and Friend Zone standing before Dany. When Tyrion hears that she’s not a fan of Lannisters, he quickly points out that “I am the greatest Lannister killer of all time,” seeing as he killed his mother in childbirth and killed his father on the shitter. Tyrion clearly impresses Dany, who decides to keep him on as an advisor. His first job is to advise her on what to do with Friend Zone. While Jorah might not be happy with Tyrion’s decision that Dany should banish him, he did successfully keep Dany from killing her former Friend Zone. The grey scale is spreading on Friend Zone’s arm. I don’t think he’s long for this world. Hmmm, now that he’s been banished twice by Dany, Jorah may no longer qualify in his nickname of Friend Zone. Should I start calling him The Knight Formerly Known as Friend Zone?

Cersei is alone in her cell. Wow, it didn’t take long for Cersei to look like shit. A Westerosi version of a nun brings Cersei some gruel. The nun wants her to confess. Cersei tells the nun that her face will be the last things that the nun sees before she dies. Remember kids, a Lannister always pays her debts.

Arya is now Anna, an orphan. She’s telling Jaqen a story about buying and selling oysters. It’s an elaborate story, full of details. Arya becomes that oyster seller in real life. But more importantly, she becomes a spy down by the canal. She’s set to spy on The Thin Man, a crooked insurance broker who doesn’t pay out to families of dead sea captains. The Thin Man likes oysters. I think the Thin Man is going to die…

A guy who I think is a septon comes to visit Cersei. The septon tells her there’s a way out, but Cersei knows what it is, and she won’t confess. He tells her that Uncle Kevan is returning to King’s Landing to serve as Tomlin’s hand. Remember when Cersei was forcing enemies out of King’s Landing and consolidating power? You know, a whole two episodes ago? Oh, how the mighty have fallen.

Sansa wants to know why Theon betrayed her. He reminds her that there is no Theon, only Reek. Sansa hates him for killing her brothers, but he ends up admitting that he didn’t kill Bran and Rickon, but rather two farm boys. He also says that he told Ramsey about the candle because he knows first hand how well Ramsey takes escape attempts. Reek says that Ramsey caught Theon escaping “and cut away piece after piece until there was no Theon left.” So wait a minute, Theon is Reek’s dick? I guess that makes sense, since Theon always did think with his dick. Hey, remember that time he unknowingly fingered his sister? Classic Theon…

Ramsey wants to take the fight to Stannis. Roose says they can’t afford the men. Ramsey tells Roose he doesn’t need an army. He only needs 20 good men.

Okay, I know everyone is treating the end of this episode as the “Oh shit!” moment of the season, but can we talk about this scene right here, where Dany and Tyrion become a team? I feel like this scene is getting seriously overlooked because of the final scene of this episode. Dany and Tyrion, I like this team. At first glance, it looks like Tyrion is auditioning for Dany, but really it’s a two way street. Tyrion says to her that he needs “To see if you’re the right kind of terrible.” At the end of their conversation, they’re both impressed with the other. Dany wants him to stay on as advisor, and he wants that too. His first suggestion is that she gives up her quest for the iron throne. This prompts Dany to give her “I’m not going to stop the wheel. I’m going to break the wheel” speech from the season 5 trailer.

Jorah, like a true Friend Zone, can’t take a hint. He wants in on the fighting pits. He wants to fight in the Great Pit before Dany. He even goes so far to sell himself back into slavery just for a chance to fight in front of Dany. Friend Zone has it baaaaaaaad for Dany.

That same sister as before tries to get Cersei to confess again. She holds out a ladle of water to help elicit a confession. Cersei refuses to confess. Cersei bribes the sister to let her out, and when that doesn’t work, threatens her. The sister dumps the ladle of water on the ground and leaves. Cersei has enough pride left to wait until the sister leaves before licking the water off the ground.

Up at Castle Black, Gilly is treating Sam’s wounds. That kid shows up, the one whose family was killed by wildlings. He can’t understand why Jon would makes deals with the wildlings. Sam explains hard choices to the kid, and that they need the wildlings on their side, or else they’re all going to be fodder for the army of the undead.

Speaking of wildlings, Jon arrives with Redbeard and some men at the wildling camp. It makes for a great visual: the wildlings are all in white and Jon’s in black. As Jon’s boat approaches the shore, I can’t help but think that Jon is four five seconds from wildlings.

When they reach shore, Jon and Redbeard meet with Skeletor, I mean Lord of Bones. LoB makes a comment about Redbeard sucking Jon’s cock. Redbeard answers this by beating Skeletor senseless with his own staff. Jon tells them, “I’m not asking you to forget your dead. I’ll never forget mine.” God, Jon is awesome. Jon gives a “We live together or die alone” speech straight out of Jack’s playbook on Lost. Redbeard’s name is Tormond. I’ll never remember that. He’ll be Redbeard forever, but I’ll try. Tormond gets the best line of the episode when he calls Jon prettier than his daughters. Not all the wildlings join up. The Then refuses. This new lady wildling, who is immediately my favorite new character on the show, says “I fucking hate Thens.” You and everyone else, lady.

5000 or so wildlings join Jon. Jon isn’t happy. He wanted more. He says, “We’re leaving too many behind.” He 100% realizes he’ll be fighting the corpses of these wildlings in the future. My new favorite wildling lady loads her daughters on the boats and says she’ll be right back after she loads the old folks. Uh-oh. No one is ever right back when they say that.

A giant is playing with dragon glass. He’s like Hagrid with a potty mouth.

The dogs start barking. Ruh-roh. Jon knows something is up. It sounds like thunder approaching. Everyone knows what’s up; they just don’t want to admit it. Chaos breaks as the wildlings rush behind the gates. Orders are given to close the gate. How are gates going to stop this? A bunch of wildlings are stuck outside the gates in the storm. The storm keeps coming. The wildling outside are banging on the gate, and then they’re suddenly not. Double ruh-roh. The Then looks through the gate. He’s rewarded with a zombie almost poking out his eyes. These zombies are viscious. They punch through wood!That’s right, Game of Thrones zombies can punch through wood. These zombies make The Walking Dead zombies seem like puppies. Everyone runs for the boats. Jon tries to maintain order. The zombies overtake the building with the giant and Jon’s buddy. They scale fences and dig under them too. Or just punch through it. Freefolk are swimming in the freezing water to escape. Jon wants to save as many people as possible. Awesome New Lady Wildling (did they ever say her name?) wants Jon to go. Redbeard and Jon attack the zombies, giving the wildlings a chance to escape. Redbeard and Jon make a good team. I’d watch that Game of Thrones spin off. It would be like The Odd Couple, one’s in the Nights Watch, the other is a wildling. The White Walkers are just watching from the hill. Oh man, this fight hasn’t even really started. Jon realizes they can’t lose the the dragon glass! He fights his way back to the building. Potty Mouth Hagrid bursts through, ripping through the zombies. He’s like the Hulk of the group. Jon Snow is Captain America and everyone else is Hawkeye. A White Walker walks into the building. The Then fights the walker while Jon hunts the glass. Fights is an overstatement. It’s more like the Then dies immediately. The Walker throws Jon across the room. Don’t fight, Jon! Run! Jon manages to flee and grab B~~earclaw~~ Longclaw (whose name I keep confusing with the name of Josh Gadd’s character on The New Girl. He uses it to parry the Walker’s blow and it doesn’t shatter! Holy shit! Jon kills the walker with a swipe of B~~earclaw~~ Longclaw. Okay, so unless Longclaw has a coating of dragon glass on it, it looks like Valyrian steel is another way to kill White Walkers. The only problem being are there even a dozen Valyrian steel weapons left in Westeros? Hold onto Longclaw, Jon!

A young White Walker watches from the mountain top. For a second I thought this was Joffrey back as a White Walker. That would be classic Joffrey, dying just to come back as something worse.

Down below a group of zombie kids charge my new favorite wildling. She can’t process fighting them. She doesn’t flee; she just lets them overtake her and then dies. Thanks, Game of Thrones writers. Jerks.

A herd of zombies cascade over the side of the mountain. It’s like watching a zombie version of the old computer game Lemmings. They all lie at the bottom for a moment and then pop up to attack. Everyone retreats to the sea. Jon and the guys are rowing to the boat, though it really looks like they’re just lackadaisically floating to the boat. I’d be rowing like a madman at this point. Who am I kidding? At this point, I’d already be zombie fodder. Hulk walks to the boat, tossing zombies to and fro, picking them off himself like fleas. He actually passes by Jon’s boat. Thanks for the assist, Hulk. You could have just pulled the boat. Jerk. Giant jerk. Jon sees all the men fighting on the shore…well, more like dying on the shore and he feels like a failure. The White Walker that I thought was Joffrey (he’s not!), but seems to be the Head White Walker in Charge (HWWIC) strolls to the dock and stares down Jon Snow. He raises his hands and….everyone who died rises as a zombie. Ohhhhh fuck. Hey Jon, why are you still just watching this? Row, man! Row!

What was the bigger deal to you this episode? The White Walker attack or the newly formed tag team of Dany and Tyrion?

June 8, 2015 by Billy Henehan

Game of Thrones – S5E7 – The Gift – Recap

Hey there, and welcome to another recap of Game of Thrones! A few ground rules: 1) I have read the books only up to what would be the end of season 4 of the TV show, so please don’t comment with anything that happened in the books but has yet to happen in the show. 2) There are spoilers for Season 5, episode 7 and before in this recap. If you haven’t watched The Gift yet, come back when you have. 3) I like to give characters nicknames. And away we go…

Is it me or are we opening on Castle Black a lot these days? Yes, I could go back and easily check my recaps to see if that’s true, but instead I’m just going to go with it and accept it as fact. Redbeard and Jon are in the courtyard. Jon releases Redbeard from his chains, so that Jon can accompany him north of the wall to recruit the remaining wildlings. Everyone, including the wildlings, thinks this is a bad idea. Sam might be the only one is Jon’s corner here. He gives Jon a pouch of dragon glass, and hopes Jon doesn’t need it. Jon leaves Thorne in charge. I’m sure this is going to end well.

Later, Maester Aemon is being tended to by Gilly, Sam and baby Sam. Okay, baby Sam isn’t so much as tending to him, but he’s there. Maester Aemon doesn’t seem long for the world. He’s no longer sharp, and it appears like senility is setting in. When baby Sam laughs, Aemon smiles and says, “Egg laughed like that.” Oh, wait, no not egg, “Aeg.” He means Aegon, his younger brother, aka the Mad King. Aemon warns Sam and Gilly to take the baby south before it’s too late. Listen to Aemon, kids. Winter is coming.

In Winterfell, Reek brings Sansa a meal. At first, it looked like she was still in her wedding dress and I thought this was the morning after her wedding night. But no, it’s a white dressing gown. Sansa asks Theon for help. “He already hurts me every night.” By hurts, I’m assuming she means, violently has sex with. She tells Theon about the candle, and the woman who promised to help her. She gives Theon a candle and asks him to take it to the Broken Tower and light it.

Theon, of course, takes it right to Ramsey. Fucking Reek… But really, what did you expect? This is Game of Thrones, and if there is one constant on this show, it’s that characters will consistently get fucked over.

Brienne is outside Winterfell, biding her time. It doesn’t look like Theon/Reek will be saving Sansa. Will it be Brienne who guts Ramsey? I really would like to see Sansa stab him herself.

Up at Castle Black, Maester Aemon passes away. His last words are “Aeg, I dreamed I was old.” The Nights Watch has a funeral for him, led by Sam. Thorne whispers in Sam’s ear, “You’re losing all your friends, Tarly.” I believe the point of this line was to remind you in case you forgot that Thorne is the worst.

Sansa is with Ramsey. Sansa grabs a corkscrew without him noticing. Yes, stab him. Stab him. She doesn’t. But that corkscrew has to be used later, right? Isn’t there an old writing adage that says “A corkscrew picked up in episode seven must be used to gouge out Ramsey’s eyes by episode ten?” I’m sure I heard that somewhere. Sansa finds out Jon is the Lord Commander of the Night’s Watch. Wow, Sansa really is out of the loop when it comes to her family, right? She thinks she and Jon are the only ones alive, even though Arya, Bran and Rickon are out somewhere out there (cue the theme song to An American Tail). Ramsey has Sansa’s candle and shows Sansa the body of the old woman who wanted to help her. She’s been flayed. “You should hold onto your candles. The nights are so long now.” This guy, constantly creepier, I swear.

Davos gives Stannis an update. The men are all freezing. It’s snowing too hard to march. Stannis doesn’t want to hear it. He says, “We go forward, only forward.” Stannis’s power song is “No Retreat, No Surrender” by Bruce Springsteen. Smoky Vajayjay once again wants to sacrifice Stannis’s daughter to help him smite his enemies. Stannis won’t hear it.

Two guys of the Watch are harassing Gilly. Remember kids, most of the men up there are there to avoid prison sentences. They’re not all Sam and Jon. They’re mostly thieves, murderers and rapists. Sam comes to Gilly’s defense. The two guys then promptly proceed to kick Sam’s ass. Still, Sam rises and stands up to them. Ghost comes to his aid. That scares off the two dudes. Sam passes out. Gilly nurses Sam. Part of “healing” him involves mounting him. You go, Samwell!

Tyrion and Friend Zone are on the auction block. Some guy buys Friend Zone for 20 gold. Tyrion pleads that the guy buys him as well. “We’re a team!” he says. Everyone laughs. To prove his point, Tyrion sucker punches the slaver holding his chain. A couple of more coins gets the buyer Tyrion too. Was that even two gold? It might have been two copper for all we know. The slaver was happy with the price though.

Dany and Daario are in bed. Geez Dany, didn’t you just get engaged to someone else? Daario wants her to marry him instead of the master who wanted the fighting pits reopened. He advises her to gather all the masters and then slaughter all the masters. When Dany says that she’s not a butcher, Daario gets the best line of the episode with, “All rulers are either butchers or meat.”

Grandma meets with the High Sparrow. I love Grandma; she doesn’t take shit from anyone. Still, she can’t get the High Sparrow to free her grandchildren. As she leaves, she’s given a note from Littlefinger’s messenger.

At the castle Tomlin is pissed, and he’s letting Cersei know. He wants his wife, Princess Low Cut, freed! Cersei tells him what he wants to hear.

Over in Dorne, Jaime is talking with his daughter-niece. She doesn’t understand why he’s there. She’s been in Dorne for years, why is it suddenly dangerous, she wants to know. Wow, has she really been here for years? It’s hard to figure out sometimes how much time is passing between episodes and seasons on this shows. Myrcella twists the knife by saying that Jaime doesn’t even know her. Hey! That’s no way to talk to your uncle-dad!

Bronn and the viper girls are chilling in adjacent jail cells. The cutest one, Dagger, starts flirting with him and wants to know if she’s the prettiest woman he’s ever seen. Bronn says that he’s seen a lot of pretty women. Bronn is clearly a fan of “negging.” Dagger shows him a tit. My first thought is Bronn, I don’t think this is gong to end well. And would you look at that, Bronn collapses. Dagger says she zapped him with a slow acting poison when she stabbed him in their fight. Gotta love/be deathly afraid of a woman who times her flirtation to her poison just right. She offers him the antidote, but only if he concedes that she’s the most beautiful woman he’s ever seen. He quickly does. She tells him, “I think you’re very handsome as well.” Bronn lives another day. I won’t lie, I feel like she is just the right amount of crazy for Bronn. Who else wants to see these two get together? Raise your hand.

In King’s Landing, we get an almost shot-for-shot remake of a shot from season one, showing Littlefinger spying through a peephole. Except that this time, there’s no one to spy on. He’s looking in on his ransacked best little whorehouse in Westeros. Shortly thereafter, Grandma and Littlefinger converse. For obvious reasons, neither is a fan of the new High Septon/Sparrow. Grandma doesn’t trust Littlefinger, making her the smartest person on the show. But Littlefinger says he’s in House Tyrell’s corner, and only came to King’s Landing because of a direct order from Cersei. Grandma seems to believe him, which 100% goes against the rule of “Never believe Littlefinger (unless he says he’s going to betray you. Ned Stark RIP).”

Finally, the fighting pits! A bunch of fighters are brought out, but Tyrion and Friend Zone are left in the locker room. This is a an early round fight. Whoever wins today moves on and fights before the queen. But look at that, Dany is in the audience. She is not enjoying the savagery of the fights. She wants to leave, but her new husband-to-be advises her to stay out of tradition. When Friend Zone hears that Dany is in the audience, he grabs a sword and joins the melee. Jorah makes short work of everyone and handily wins. Dany is not happy to see him, commanding the guards to “Get him out of my sight.” Friend Zone pleads, “I brought you a gift.” Cue Tyrion emerging from the locker room: “I am the gift. My name is Tyrion Lannister.” And suddenly I can’t wait for the next episode.

Cersei visits Princess Low Cut, who is not looking good. Princess Low Cut seems to be in the Marie Antoinette cell. That joke was for all the French history buffs who read these recaps. Cersei then visits the High Sparrow. For the past few weeks, I kept wondering when the High Sparrow was going to turn on Cersei. I mean, come on! You put this religious fanatic in a position of power where he doesn’t even have to obey the king, a king is the product of you and your brother, how are you not counting the days until you end up in the cell next to Majorie? She’s in jail for just lying about her brother’s homosexuality, and she’s the current queen. Does Cersei really think the immediate past queen can somehow avoid jail even when the current queen couldn’t? Yes, Cersei is the one who put the High Sparrow in power, but when has he ever seemed like the type of guy who keeps political allies? You can almost see the exact moment when Cersei realizes she’s fucked. Sadly, it’s a good two minutes after the audience realizes she’s fucked. Cersei really is her own worst enemy. The High Sparrow calls Lancel forward, Lancel who had many stories to tell him about Cersei. The episode ends with Cersei being thrown into a cell.

May 18, 2015 by Billy Henehan

Game of Thrones – S5E6 – Unbowed, Unbent, Unbroken – Recap

If you’ve never read one of my recaps before, a few things. I’ve read some of the books, but only up to A Storm of Swords. I don’t want to read past the TV show. I ask that you please respect that, and while I welcome comments, I ask that you please don’t spoil anything that hasn’t happened on the show yet. Also, please forgive my use of nicknames. They started because I couldn’t keep track of all the characters names, and my favorites have stuck.

SPOILERS FOR GAME OF THRONES – SEASON 5, EPISODE 6 – UNBOWED, UNBENT, UNBROKEN FOLLOW. Proceed at your own risk.

The episode opens on Arya cleaning a dead body in the House of Black and White. Some dudes take the body, and leave the door ajar behind them. Arya can’t help by try to look. That bitchy girl slams the door shut and tells her to get to work. Arya wants to do more than clean dead bodies and tells the girl she’s ready to be tested again. The girl then gives Arya her back story. She’s the daughter of a Westeros lord as well. The story involves a wicked stepmother who attempted to kill her, and the girl’s own vengeance. Arya is really digging it, and you can see on her face that she’s thinking these two could be BFF. Oh wait, sorry Arya, she was just playing you. This girl is like the Heath Ledger Joker, when he would come up with a new story every time for how he got his smile.

Later, Arya awakens to Jaqen asking her, “Who are you?” She answers, “Arya Stark.” He peppers her with more questions. Any time she lies, he can tell, and slaps her. Things get interesting when she talks about The Hound. She says, “I left the Hound to die. I hated him.” – SLAP. “I hated him” – SLAP. “That’s not a lie!” – SLAP!

Friend Zone and Tyrion win the award for getting to film in the most picturesque locale. The shore they’re on is absolutely stunning. When it’s clear that Jorah has no idea what’s going on in King’s Landing, Tyrion catches Jorah up on things. He unwittingly reveals to Friend Zone that Friend Zone’s dad is dead, and honestly feels bad about being the one to tell him. I like when Tyrion has honest moments like this. The piss and vinegar is fun, but I think Peter Dinklage really shines in scenes like this one.

Back at the House of Black and White, a father who traveled there with his daughter tells Arya his story. The daughter is sick and in much pain, so he brought her here. He just wants his daughter to not suffer anymore. After the bitchy girl’s story, I don’t know who to believe in this house anymore. Arya comforts the sick girl by sympathizing with her and telling the girl a made up story about how she used to be sick too. She tells the girl that her father brought her here also, and that by drinking the water from the fountain, she was cured. The girl drinks from the fountain. Jaqen watches from the shadows.

Later, when Arya is cleaning the same girl’s dead body, Jaqen joins her. He exits through the same door that’s always been denied her, but this time leaves it open. Arya follows him through the door and down many steps. He leads her to where they take the bodies. It’s a huge, cavernous chamber with gigantic columns. In the columns are faces…or are they heads? It’s hard to tell at first if they’re carved into the columns or if they’re actual decapitated, preserved heads. Closer up, they look like death masks, taken from castings of the dead people’s faces. Jaqen asks Arya, “Is the girl ready, to give up her ears, her nose her tongue?” and then says, “No, a girl is not ready to become no one. But she is ready to become someone else. ” And they look at one of the faces in the column, one that looks like a middle-aged woman.

Tyrion and Jorah are talking about Dany, which has to be Jorah’s favorite subject ever. Tyrion wants to know what’s Dany’s endgame. He doubts a girl who has never been to King’s Landing is capable of holding power in King’s Landing. He’s not talking about winning the throne, but rather staying on it. The pair encounter a group of slavers and are quickly captured. The slavers are going to send Jorah to the salt mines. Tyrion gets off even less lucky. They plan to slit his throat…and sell his cock. Why? Because “dwarf cocks have magic powers.” Tyrion immediately argues that if they want to sell his cock, they need him alive as proof that it came from a dwarf. When one of the slavers counters with, “It will be a dwarf sized cock,” Tyrion gets the best line of the episode with “GUESS AGAIN!” They decide to let Tyrion live until they find a buyer for his dwarf cock. The slavers are sailing away from the now ironically named Slaver’s Bay, which is in Dany’s now slave-free land. But Tyrion convinces them to head there anyway to enter Jorah in the fighting pits. The slavers don’t initially believe Friend Zone to be a good fighter, laughing off Tyrion’s claim that Friend Zone is an excellent jouster. They dismiss jousting as a child’s game compared to the viciousness of the pits. But when Friend Zone tells them about the time he killed one of Khal Drogo’s Dothraki Bloodriders, they take him more seriously.

Littlefinger has made his way to King’s Landing. He’s stopped by Lancel and the Faith Militant. They brag about all the vices they’ve been stamping out in King’s Landing. I’m not sure why they don’t take Littlefinger into custody or beat him right there. They’ll rip up his whorehouses and beat up his staff and customers, but they seem to just let him off with a warning here. Did the High Sparrow tell them to spare him because of Cersei?

Littlefinger meets with Cersei. She wants to make sure that the Vale will remain loyal to the king. Littlefinger assures her that the Vale will, and then tells Cersei that his “sources” say Sansa is back in Winterfell. He doesn’t mention that his source is himself, the man who took her there. Littlefinger advises Cersei to let Roose Bolton and Stannis battle over Winterfell and then swoop in to take Winterfell from whomever wins. He conveniently offers to lead the knights of the Vale against the eventual holder of Winterfell, and be named Warden of the North for his loyalty and bravery. Cersei is very cunning, but I feel like she’s outclassed by Littlefinger when it comes to intrigue. He’s like a chess grandmaster, plotting many moves ahead of everyone else. Roose and Cersei both think he’s on their side. He’s perfectly set up for taking out Roose Bolton if the Boltons manage to fend off Stannis, as he has Sansa Stark in his pocket in Winterfell. It seems like Littlefinger’s ideal outcome is Stannis loses to Roose, and Sansa opens Winterfell’s gates for the knights of the Vale when Littlefinger comes calling.

In Dorne, Myrcella is hanging out with that Dornish prince whose name I never caught. He wants to marry her. Why are we even wasting our time on these two? Seriously, these two are the two least interesting part of this Dorne subplot. But they are dressed nice. The main Martell Prince watches from his balcony. He makes some ominous comments to his head guard. He wants to keep them safe and senses trouble coming.

Speaking of trouble, Jaime and Bronn are on horseback, dressed in the clothes of the Martell soldiers who tried to kill them. I love that they’re in costume. It reminds me of Luke and Han dressed as Stormtroopers in Star Wars, and of the Scarecrow and company dressed as the Wicked Witch of the West’s soldiers in The Wizard of Oz. Bronn is singing a song. Sadly, it’s not “Oh Ee Oh! Ooooooh oh!” Bronn asks Jaime what’s the plan after they grab Myrcella. Jaime tell him, “I like to improvise.” Bronn gets the second best line of the episode with, “That explains the golden hand.” Man, I can’t believe that Best Line Bronn didn’t take home the best line prize this week. You’re slipping, Bronn! They proceed to sneak into the castle all Wizard of Oz-style.

We get the title of this week’s episode from Slutty Princess Leia. She tells the viper girls, “Unbowed, unbent, unbroken.” Wait, is that her new names for them? I prefer my name for the viper girls: Whip, Swords and Spear.

Jaime and Bronn find Myrcella in the courtyard, making out with Tristane Martell. Tristane, that’s his name! I still don’t care about them. When it’s clear that Jaime and Bronn are there for Myrcella, Bronn warns Tristane, “Let’s not do something stupid.” Tristane makes a move, which prompts Bronn to knock him out and say, “That’s something stupid.” I take back what I said earlier. Best Line Bronn is back! Sorry, Tyrion.

The viper girls show up . Whip whips Jaime’s hand. While Jaime and Bronn are engaged with two of the viper girls, Whip grabs Myrcella and runs off. The Prince’s guard shows up and tells everyone to drop their weapons. Swords and Spear drop their swords and spear. Jaime and Bronn soon surrender too. The guard capture Slutty Princess Leia too.

Grandma and Princess Low Cut are in Highgarden. Grandma tells Princess Low Cut, “Let me deal with Cersei Lannister.”

Immediately cut to Grandma in King’s Landing, meeting with Cersei. Grandma wants her grandson, Ser Loras, freed. Cersei keeps up the whole “I didn’t arrest him” thing. Grandma wants to know how the kingdom will survive without Tyrell money. Cersei tells her Loras isn’t on trial, it’s only an inquest. An inquest sounds like grand jury; its purpose is to determine if Loras should stand trial. She then tells Grandma, “As for your veiled threats,” to which Grandma responds, “What veil?” Oooo! Sorry, Bronn. Grandma has the best line this episode. Bronn is now Second-Best Line Bronn.

At the inquest, Loras has never physically looked worse. He’s unclean, unwashed and unshaven. Princess Low Cut, King Tomlin, Cersei and Grandma are all there. The High ~~Sparrow~~ Septon is doing the questioning. Loras denies all the charges. The High Septon calls Queen Marjorie. She’s taken aback that he can even call the queen. He points out that the Faith Militant and the Sept stand apart from the kingdom. Queen Marjorie takes the stand and denies the charges too. The High Septon then calls some blonde dude that Loras clearly recognizes. It’s his old squire. Ruh-roh. The squire says that he and Loras used to get it on and that the Queen even walked in on them. Cersei says they can’t believe the word of squire over a knight and queen. No one believe Cersei is sincere…well, maybe Tomlin does. The High Septon decides to bring charges against Loras and Marjorie. The Faith Militant grab Princess Low Cut and Ser Loras. Tomlin does nothing to defend his wife. What a pussy. Hey Tom, you’ve got all those Kingsguard in armor around you! They could slice right through these branded religious nuts! Pussy.

From ever indication I’m seeing, I get the feeling that Cersei is quickly losing control of the High Sparrow and his Faith Militant. I wonder how soon it will be before they come for her because of the offspring she sired with her brother. I seriously have to wonder if Cersei doesn’t see that eventually the Faith Militant are going to come for her too. They’re willing to go after the current queen. And if the High Septon thinks homosexuality is bad, I can only wonder how he feels about incest. I’ve said that Cersei is one of the most cunning people on the show, but if she doesn’t see this eventually blowing up in her face, I may have to take that back.

Sansa is visited by Ramsey’s crazy girlfriend Miranda. She says Ramsey sent her to draw Sansa’s bath. Miranda bathes Sansa. During the bath, she advises Sansa not to bore Ramsey. Sansa wouldn’t want to end up like the others, and basically tries to freak Sansa out with stories of Ramsey killing women. Sansa immediately sees through Miranda’s shit and calls her out on it. “I am Sansa Stark of Winterfell. This is my home, and you can’t frighten me.” She dismisses Miranda.

Reek shows up to escort Sansa to the God’s Wood. Reek wants her to take his arm, saying that Ramsey will beat him if she doesn’t. Sansa makes it plain that after what Theon did to her family, she has exactly zero fucks left for whatever Ramsey might do to him. The God’s Wood is decorated with lanterns. In Winterfell, brides wear white wedding dresses that double as thick, winter coats. It makes sense when you consider the weddings take place outside while it’s snowing. When Sansa and Reek show up, everyone is already there. Roose Bolton asks “Who gives her? to which Reek responds, “Theon of House Greyjoy…who was her father’s ward.” That’s the first time in a long time Reek has referred to himself as Theon. He almost seemed to have heard himself there, definitely pausing before saying he was Ned’s ward. It’s as if he remembered his betrayal of the Starks, and actually feels bad about it.

Ramsey is the creepiest groom ever.

Ramsey takes Sansa to the wedding bedroom. Reek has accompanied them, and stands in the doorway, waiting to be dismissed. Ramsey wants to know why Sansa is still a virgin. Sansa assures him that Tyrion was very nice to her and never forced himself on her. Ramsey tells Sansa, “Take of your clothes.” Reek goes to leave. Ramsey says, “No. You stay here, Reek. You watch.” Double you. Tee. Eff. Sansa really has the worst luck when it comes to men. I can’t decide who is worse, Joffrey, who killed her father, or Ramsey. Reek shuts the door as Sansa begins to undo her clothes. Reek, please stab Ramsey, please stab Ramsey. Ramsey tells Reek again to watch. Reek looks like he is going to cry. Ramsey says, “You’ve known Sansa since she was a girl. Now watch her become a woman.” Ramsey rips the back of Sansa’s dress, and mounts her from behind. Reek watches, tears streaming down his face.

This show is fucked up.

May 12, 2015 by Billy Henehan

Game of Thrones – S5E5 – Kill The Boy – Recap

Hi everyone and welcome to my latest recap of Game of Thrones. These recaps do have spoilers for the episode and what has come so far on the TV show, so if you’re not caught up, and don’t want things ruined, please stop reading and come back when you’re good to go. Also, I’ve only read the first three books, which caught me up to the end of season four of the show. I have not read ahead of the show. While I definitely welcome comments, I merely ask that you not spoil things that have yet to happen on the show. I have a hard time with names, so I tend to give characters nicknames. Please forgive me for that. On that note, let’s get underway…

Grey Worm is alive?!? Yes! I’m not going to lie, I thought he and Barry were dead at the end of the last episode. I am psyched that Grey Worm survived. Sadly, Ser Barry did not. While Grey Worm’s girlfriend tends to him, Dany is holding vigil over Ser Barry’s corpse. That dude who wanted the fighting pits reopened visits. Dany is ready to kill. She calls for the leaders of all of Mereen’s great families to be taken into custody. Fighting Pit Guy immediately realizes, “Hey, that’s me!” Once they’re all assembled, she leads them into a catacomb. Careful ye heads of Mereen’s great families, there be dragons here. Dany feeds one of the heads of the great families to her two dragons. She acts like Fighting Pit Guy is next, but when he responds bravely with “Valar Morghulis,” she changes her mind. She lets all the men live one more day. Why did she do this? Did she realize that her intimidation tactics weren’t working yet?

Up at Castle Black, Sam and Maester Aemon are meeting. Jon walks in and asks Aemon for advice on what to do next. Aemon recommends that Jon “Kill the boy, John Snow…and let the man be born. ” Ah, got it, so that’s where the episode’s title comes from. And here I thought someone was going to take a hit out on Tomlin.

Jon then meets with that Redbeard guy, Mance’s second-in-command. Jon wants Redbeard to head north of the Wall, grab any free folk still up there and bring them south of the Wall. Redbeard wants Jon to go north with him. He says that no one up there will believe that the Crows will let them live south of the Wall unless they hear it from his lips.

Later, at the Night’s Watch meeting, no one but Sam seems to like Jon’s plan. Stannis watches from the back, and says, “Fear.” to Davos. Davos asks, “What?” to be which Stannis replies, “Nothing.” I feel like Jon is earning Stannis’s respect yet again in this scene. The Night’s Watch brothers want to let the Wildlings die. Jon breaks it down for them as simply as he can when he says, “We can learn to live with the Wildlings or we can add them to the army of the dead.” And don’t forget, here “the army of the dead” isn’t a metaphor. It’s an actual army.

Jon is in his office, when Ollie, the boy who I will never forgive for killing Ygritte enters. Ollie wants to think Jon is tricking the Wildliings. Ollie points out that the Wildlings killed his whole village. Jon doesn’t yell back, “Yeah? Well you killed the only woman I ever loved!” Instead, he responds with, “I know what it’s like to lose the people you love” and throws in some “Winter is coming” for good measure. Man, how many times can they say “Winter is coming” this episode.

Pod and Brienne are still on the outskirts of Winterfell. Man, Brienne needs a bath. I’ve seen homeless people in the NYC subway cleaner than her. A porter brings in some stuff. Brienne wants him to bring a message back to Sansa Stark.

Ramsey Bolton is chilin’ in bed. He’s got a naked girl in the room with him. Here name is Miranda. Miranda is jealous. She thought she was going to marry Ramsey, and now she’s been demoted to side piece. Ramsey uses that “neg” style made famous by that guy with the furry top hat. He professes his not quite love for Miranda while insulting her. Seriously, Ramsey is such a dick. I can’t wait for Reek to knife him. Or Sansa. Or anyone. Miranda bites him when she kisses him. She draws blood. He’s into it. That look in Miranda’s eyes…I wonder if is she going to be the one to kill him.

Sansa is in her room when an old lady servant enters. The old woman tells her, “You still have friends in the north. If you’re ever in trouble, light a candle in the highest window of the broken tower. You’re not alone.”

Sansa immediately walks to the Broken Tower. You might remember this as Cersei and Jamie’s Winterfell love nest. Or where Jamie pushed Bran out a window. Remember Bran? But I digress…Miranda follows Sansa. Miranda is acting all nice in that “I’m being nice, but I’m really being bitchy” way that some girls act to other girls. Miranda wants to show Sansa something to help her remember her mother. She takes Sansa to the kennel and tells her to walk all the way down. Are we going to see the return of the missing dire wolf? These dogs are vicious. They bark and jump. In the cell at the end is Reek/Theon. He’s the most well behaved one in the cells. Sansa is shocked to see him curled up in the kennels. He tells her she shouldn’t be there and backs away. Shouldn’t be where? In the kennels? In Winterfell?

Sometime later, Ramsey summons Reek. Ramsey tells him, “You mustn’t keep secrets form me, Reek.” How did he know about Sansa already? Ramsey then says, “Get on your knees.” Ruh-roh. I don’t like where this is going. Oh wait, he follows that up with, “Give me your hand.” Wait, what? Ramsey clasps Reek’s hand and forgives him. This Ramsey guy is so Looney Tunes.

Samsa is having dinner with the Boltons. You might be saying to yourself, “Who is that fat woman next to Roose? Is is Ramsey’s mother?” No, that is Roose’s wife, Walda Frey, daughter of Walder Frey, that old guy who controlled the river pass at the Twins and set up the Starks’ fall at the Red Wedding. For his part in the Red Wedding, Roose was rewarded with any of Walder’s daughters as a bride. Walder would give him a dowry based on the weight of the daughter he picked, so Roose picked the heaviest one he could find. Ramsey calls out Reek to bring more wine. He’s clearly trying to unnerve Sansa. Ramsey tries to spin in that he punished Theon for invading Winterfell. Sansa sees right through it. I have to say, I like the new Dark Sansa so much better than Sansa from season one. Ramsey has Theon/Reek apologize to Sansa “for killing your brothers.” Ramsey then orders that Reek give away Sansa at the wedding, since Reek is the closest thing to family she has left. This guy is like Joffrey 2.0.

Roose and Walda then announce that Walda is preggers. It’s going to be a boy. Ramsey isn’t happy. Later, Ramsey and Roose talk about this. Ramsey is realizing that his inheritance is quickly falling out from under him. But then Roose tells Ramsey the story of Ramsey’s mom. He continues to acknowledge Ramsey as his son. Now that that’s out of the way, they deide to talk war.They’re going to war with Stannis. But Roose’s announcement about Walda’s pregnancy seemed to be 100% aimed at getting Ramsey to simmer down. And it worked.

Sam is studying in the library. Gilly asks him if all the books in the world are here. As, Sam is explaining that there are libraries bigger than this one, Stannis walks in. He knows who Sam is, his family, his father. Sam’s dad is the only one to ever beat Robert in battle. Stannis wants to know how Sam killed a white walker. Like everyone else, he notes that Sam is no warrior. Sam explains how he killed the walker with Dragon Glass, which is just a fancy name for obsidian. He’s been searching for any reference to it in the books in the library. Stannis agrees and tells him, “Keep reading, Samwell Tarley.”

Stannis tells Davos, “It’s time.” Davos wants to wait for Jon to return, but Stannis says there isn’t time. They need to strike at Winterfell now.

Jon is back! Oh wait, he hastn’t left yet. Stannis marches south.

Grey Worm is still in bed. He awakes from his coma! Yay! He’s been out for 3 days. He’s upset at himself that Barry and his fellow Unsullied are dead. He blames himself. He’s ashamed that he was afraid when he fell to the grounds that he’d never see Missandei again. She gets in his bed and kisses him. Well played, Grey Worm. You get yours.

Later, Missandei is with Dany. She gives Dany some advice, basically saying to trust yourself. Barry wanted mercy. Daario wants to kill all the masters. Dany meets with the Fighting Pit Guy, who is still in chains in a dungeon. She tells him, “I came here to tell you I was wrong and you were right about tradition. About bringing the people of this city together. I will reopen the fighting pits.” She also tells him that the two of them are going to marry. This guy must be high-fiving himself. He thought he was going to die two minutes ago and now he’s marryng Dany! Luckiest man in Mereen!

Friend Zone and Tyrion are still navigating on their boat. Well, Friend Zone is navigating. Tyrion is tied up. Tyrion has some serious rope burns on his wrists and a welt on his head. Jorah couldn’t care less. Tyrion gets the best line in the episode, with “Long sullen silences and the occasional punch in the face. The Mormont way.” Tyrion then immediately apologizes. They travel through Valyria, which is burnt out. They trade-off on reciting a poem about Valyria. One line that stood out was, “The doom consumed them all alike and neither of them turned.” By turned, do they mean turned to members of the undead army? Fire kills the undead in the Game of Thrones world. Are they dragons the key to the White Walkers defeat? Besides breathing fire, I’m guessing they can also produce Dragon Glass with their hot breath. Drogon flies overhead. Tyrion is stunned speachless, which is no easy feat.

After Drogon flies off, “stone men” jump on the boat. They’re afflicted with the same thing as Stannis’s daughter, but it coves their whole bodies and seems to have taken their minds. “Don’t let them touch you!” Jorah yells. The stone men are ravenous. They’re like fast zombies. Tyrion jumps overboard, but is still bound. He’s dragged under by a stone man.

Tyrion opens his eyes on the shore. Friend Zone somehow saved him! They ask if each other was touched, but don’t think they were. This is where people with grey stone are sent, the place last episode where Stannis said his aides wanted to send his daughter. Tyrion has the second best line of the episode when he tells Jorah, “Thank you for saving me. Of course, I wouldn’t have needed saving if you didn’t kidnap me in the first place.” They don’t have a boat. They’re walking. Friend Zone can see they city that’s their ultimate goal. He’s happy. Wait a second…Uh oh, he’s got the gray scale! This dude can’t catch a break…

May 3, 2015 by Billy Henehan

Game of Thrones – S5E4 – Sons of the Harpy – Recap

If you’ve never read one of my recaps before, a few things. I’ve read some of the books, but only up to A Storm of Swords. I don’t want to read past the TV show. I ask that you please respect that, and while I welcome comments, I just ask that you don’t spoil anything that hasn’t happened on the show yet. Also, please forgive my use of nicknames. They started because I couldn’t keep track of all the characters names, and my favorites have continued because I love calling some characters by them.

As the episode starts, Friend Zone steals a boat and rows away with Tyrion tied up onboard. Somewhere else, a bigger boat is sailing. Jamie asks the captain what island they’re passing. He has a moment of quiet reverie when the captain tells him it’s Tarth, the sapphire island. For those not keeping up at home, Brienne is from Tarth. Brienne and Jamie had developed a begrudging friendship when she was escorting Jaime back to King’s Landing. Jaime and Bronn are prepping to sneak into Dorne. Bronn asks Jaime why Jaime has to the one to free Princess Myrcella. When Jamie says Myrcella is his niece, Bronn gets brazen by asking, “Niece?” Oh Bronn, you rule. Bronn then points out that even if Myrcella is Jamie’s “niece,” it still doesn’t explain why Jamie Lannister has to be the one who frees her. Jamie almost quotes N*Sync when he responds, “It~~‘s gonna~~ has to be me.”

Bronn tells Jamie to give Tyrion his regards if he ever sees him again. Jaime’s response to that is, “He murdered my father. If I ever see him, I’ll split him in two. Then I’ll give him your regards.” Damn Jamie, that was cold blooded!

In King’s Landing, the small council is meeting. Cersei is sending Lord Tyrell to the Iron Bank to renegotiate the terms of the kingdom’s debt. So the Iron Bank is China to Westeros’s United States? Am I hearing this right? Lord Tyrell isn’t keen on going, but Cersei insists, saying it’s the order of the king. She assigns Ser Meryn to accompany him. I’m pretty sure Ser Meryn is one of Cersei’s lackeys, so Lord Tyrell must be feeling great about that. The grand maester notes that “The small council grows smaller and smaller.” To which Cersei responds, “Not small enough.” Those Lannisters, cold blooded!

Cersei then meets with the High Sparrow. She wants to give this guy an army. She says that there are miscreants around Westeros who the king can’t deal with, who commit crimes of morality, that for political reasons, even the king can’t deal with. There used to be a Faith Militant in Westerns, but it was disbanded long ago. Cersei wants the High Sparrow to bring it back, and conveniently give him a list of places to start. She’s setting someone up, but whom?

The Sparrows are now dressed in dark robes and have been branded on their forehead. The Sparrows, now the Faith Militant, go to town on the vices of King’s Landing. They smash wine casks and raid whorehouses. Is Cersei going after Littlefinger? This is intercut with what looks like the Faith Militant torturing a tied up man, but in fact they’re branding another member. It’s Cersei’s former fuck-buddy cousin! The Faith Militant grab the Knight of Flowers, with Cersei’s former fuck-buddy cousin leading the charge. Wait, didn’t this guy used to have sex with the Knight of Flowers too? Huh, so it wasn’t Littlefinger Cersei was going after, but rather the Knight of Flowers, now that his dad, Lord Tyrell, is out of town. Littlefinger’s holdings just got caught up in her plot to get at the Tyrells.

Princess Low Cut is pissed! Her brother is in jail. She confronts Tomlin about this, and he pledges to free her brother. Tomlin then goes to his mother to get the Knight of Flowers released. He demands that Ser Loras be freed. Cersei, always drinking wine, tells him to take it up with the High Sparrow.

Tomlin goes to speak to the High Sparrow. He can’t even get an audience with him. The Faith Militant block the steps to the Sept. It looks like the King’s Guard are going throw down with the Faith Militant, until people in the crowd start yelling at Tomlin, calling him a bastard and an abomination. Tomlin retreats. Princess Low Cut isn’t pleased. You can almost see the exact moment when Tomlin realizes he’s not going to be getting any sex in the near future.

Stannis and Mrs. Stannis are talking to each other on the steps of Castle Black, watching Jon train his men. This seems like a throwaway conversation, but in the hunt for Jon Snow’s parentage, gives us a subtle clue. Mrs. Stannis calls Jon the offspring of a tavern slut, and Stannis responds, “Perhaps, but that wasn’t Ned Stark’s way,” as if Stannis has his doubts as to what’s been popularly accepted as Jon’s backstory. I think we should have doubts too.

Later, Jon is signing letters asking for lords to send more men to the Watch. He doesn’t want to send Roose Bolton a letter, considering what Bolton did to the Starks, but Sam rightly points out that they can’t defend the wall with 50 men. Roose Bolton is Warden of the North. They need his help. Jon reluctantly signs. As Sam leaves, Smoky Vajayjay enters Jon’s office. She wants Jon to ride south. She then strips for him. Is she trying to make another shadow creature? She even talks to Jon about the “power to cast shadows” as she’s tracing his fingers along her naked body. Jon turns her down, to which she responds, “You know nothing, Jon Snow.” Whoa.

We find out how Stannis’s daughter got her grayscale affliction in this episode thanks to a conversation between father and daughter. It was from a contaminated doll that Stannis bought from a Dornish wandering salesman. I’m not clear if the Dornish salesman was trying to kill her or not. Regardless, Stannis explains how he tried everything in his power to save his daughter’s life. He could have sent her away, but refused, because she is a princess and his daughter. For the first time in forever, his daughter doesn’t feel like a cast out monster. Stannis Baratheon, ladies and gentlemen. Father of the year.

Sansa is in the crypt under Winterfell. She lights a candle at the statue of her Aunt Lyanna. Littlefinger joins her. He says that she’s like her aunt Lyanna, in reference to being down here lighting the candles. This scene gives us a story that was somewhere in the first three books. It’s a story about a joust between Rhaegar Targarian and Ser Bariston Selmy at the end of a tourney. Rhaegar won the joust, and after he did, he rode past his wife and dropped a crown of roses on Lyanna’s lap instead of his own wife’s lap. At this point, Lyanna was already promised to Robert Baratheon. Sansa notes that after Rhaegar chose her aunt, he kidnapped her and raped her. But did he really? Kidnap her, that is? Or were Rhaegar and Lyanna having an affair? Did that affair produce an offspring? Is that offspring the man who everyone thinks is the bastard of Ned Stark?

Littlefinger tells Sansa he’s leaving. He’s being summoned to King’s Landing. He outlines for Sansa how to take down the Boltons. He doesn’t give her a step by step plan, but gives her enough to plot her revenge.

Bronn and Jaime row to shore in the cover of darkness. They hide their boat. In the morning, Jamie wakes to see Bronn throwing a knife at his head…wait, not at his head, but at the viper about to bite his head. As they eat cooked viper, Bronn notes, “That would have been a shit way to die.” Jamie gets the best line of the episode with “As far as I’m concerned, they’re all shit ways.” As they set off on foot, Bronn worries that the captain of the ship will sell them out. As they’re discussing this, four men on horseback approach them. Looks like Bronn was right. Bronn asks Jaime how man he can take. Jaime says, “One…if he’s slow.” Bronn tries to talk to men into letting them go, but they’re not having it. Bronn earns his keep by immediately killing three of the men. He leaves the last one for Jaime. Jamie doesn’t fare well in this sword fight until he manages to catch the Dornishman’s sword in his metal hand. I like this new move of his. But man, what was Bronn going to do if Jamie died here?

Somewhere else along the Dornish shore, a rider meets up with three warrior girls. The rider unmasks. It’s Slutty Princess Leia. These girls are Oberin’s daughters, Nim, Obarah and something I didn’t catch. They have Jamie’s ship’s captain buried in the sand up to his neck. Huh, it looks like those guys who found Jamie and Bronn did it on dumb luck since these girls have the captain. One of the daughters gives a speech about Oberin teaching her how to fight. She punctuates the story by hurling her spear with pinpoint accuracy through the captain’s head. Now that is how you finish a story! These girls are like the Wu-Tang Clan: they ain’t nothing to fuck with.

Tyrion wants Friend Zone to ungag him. He sings through his gag until Jorah is annoyed enough to take the gag off. Tyrion asks who he is, but Friend Zone is being cagey. Tyrion points out that they’re headed the wrong way. They’re going east, and Westeros is west. Friend Zone tells him that he’s not taking him to Cersei, but to Dany. Tyrion deduces Friend Zone’s identity based on his armor. He then deduces exactly how Friend Zone fell out of favor with Dany. Tyrion manages to do what Tyrion does best, which is get under people’s skins, so Friend Zone knocks him unconscious.

Ser Barry tells Dany a bit about her brother Rhaegar. The most important line in this story is when Ser Barry says, “Rhaegar never liked killing. He liked singing.” This doesn’t sound like a man who would kidnap and rape Lyanna Stark. Dario interrupts, the guy who wants the fighting pits reopened is there to meet with Dany.

While Dany meets with this guy, the Sons of the Harpy make their move. They are sneaking through the hidden catacombs of the city. They emerge in a market and start killing wantonly. When the Unsullied approach, a crying woman points which direction the Sons went. As the Unsullied give head in that direction, she stops crying.

The Unsullied are in an empty hallway. Sons of the Harpy appear from all sides, cutting them off. The two groups fight, and there are casualties on both sides. Lots of them. An Unsullied’s helmet is knocked off. It’s Grey Worm. Noooooo, do not kill Grey Worm! In another party of town, two Unsullied are ambushed by eight Songs of the Harpy. They kill the two Unsullied quickly and move on.

Ser Barriston hears the warming bells and sees people fleeing. Like a true hero, he walks towards the direction of the trouble.

Grey Worm is taking hits. He’s stabbed multiple times, but keeps fighting. All of the Unsullied that he is with are dead. He’s fighting like an injured bull, sloppily, but still dangerous. When it looks the bleakest for Grey Worm, Ser Barriston makes the save, cutting through the Sons. See Barriston is a beast! This guy was the oldest serving knight in King’s Landing before being sent away and he is plowing through the Sons of the Harpy like they are nothing. Dude is straight Jedi. It’s like watching Obi-Wan fight Darth Vader in Star Wars. This gives Grey Worm renewed hope, and he fights back. But the Sons are two much even for Ser Bariston. He’s stabbed in the leg by one Son and the back by another. Neither will live to tell the tale, as Ser Barriston dispatches them both. But a third Son gets the better of him and is about to slit his throat before Grey Worm saves Barry, killing that final Son of the Harpy. Grey Worm falls on Ser Barriston, trying to check on him, but Ser Barriston is unconscious, or dead, I’m not sure, and then Grey Worm immediately passes out in a pool of his own blood. Nooooooo! Are we losing Barry and Grey Worm in the same week?!? Come on, GRRM!

April 26, 2015 by Billy Henehan

Game of Thrones – S5E3 – High Sparrow – Recap

My recaps of Game of Thrones season 5 continue! The normal rules apply: 1.) I haven’t read past book three in the books, so please do not spoiler anything that has yet to happen in the show in your comments! 2.) Forgive my use of nicknames. I have hard time keeping characters names straight. Now, on with the recap!

When the episode begins, we’re in a room filled with statues of all the gods. The face in the weirwood is here. Various aspects of the seven, the burning heart. Arya is sweeping. Ah, we’re in the house with the black and white door. Jaqen is looking all Jesus Christ Superstar. I keep expecting him to break out into song. He doesn’t. Arya wants to train how to be an assassin, but Jaqen wants her to keep sweeping. It’s a very Mr. Myagi and Daniel-san relationship.

In King’s Landing, Cersei is in a carriage being driven to Tomlin and Princess Low Cut’s wedding. The people outside think it’s Princess Low Cut in the carriage and shout Marjorie’s name. Cersei clearly isn’t enjoying that. I’m getting a very Wicked Queen from Snow White vibe from Cersei right now. If I was Princess Low Cut, I wouldn’t eat any apples offered to me by Cersei.

Marjorie’s wedding dress does justice to her Princess Low Cut nickname. It’s definitely appreciated by Tomlin, who is horny as hell. After they’ve consumated their marriage, Tomlin basically tells Princess Low Cut that he’s DTF all day, every day. Marjorie immediately uses Tomlin’s desire for her to her advantage, casually letting it slide that she thinks it would be a good idea for Cersei to move away.

Cut to Tomlin telling his mom that he’s shipping her off to Casterly Rock…”for her own benefit.” Yeah, that’s it. Not because he’s pussy whipped, but because she would be too sad here. Cersei immediately sees it as a Marjorie plot. The game continues!

Marjorie is eating with her girlfriends when Ceresei comes by. They are as passive aggressive to each other as any daughter-in-law/mother-in-law combo could be. Marjorie tells Cersei, ” I wish we had some wine for you, but it’s a bit early in the day for us.” Cersei marches out of there like she’s Darth Vader. I swear I thought I heard Vader’s music as she was leaving.

We then drop in on the Boltons. Roose and Ramsey are talking. Roose wants Ramsey to take a bride. And that bride is…

SANSA?! Yup, Littlefinger is with Sansa outside of Moat Cailen. Littlefinger doesn’t want to marry Sansa. He wants to marry her to the Boltons. Sansa rightfully points out that Roose Bolton murdered her brother and betrayed her family to the Lannisters. And now Littlefinger wants her to marry his son? She’s shocked, and I can’t blame her. But Littlefinger, ever conniving, says to her, “There’s no justice in the world unless we make it. You loved your family. Avenge them.” He’s basically saying, marry Ramsey and then cut his cock (and head) off. Unfortunately for Sansa, I feel like Littlefinger doesn’t understand how big of a monster Ramsey Bolton is!

Brienne and Pod are spying on Littlefinger and Sansa from a distance. Brienne is still down in the dumps, but Pod manages to cheer her up by saying that he’s proud to be her squire. This changes something in Brienne’s outlook on Pod. She decides that she is going to squire him properly and train him how to be a knight. Pod lights a fire and asks Brienne how she came into Renly’s service. Brienne’s father wanted her to marry and invited suitors over. They were all nice to Brienne’s face, but she caught them maligning her behind her back. Renly was the only one who treated her well, defended her to the others, and danced with her. He made her feel pretty. Pod awkwardly dances around Renly’s sexuality. Brienne gets the second best line of the episode with, “Yes, Pod. He liked men. I’m not an idiot.” Pod asks her what she wants. She wants to kill Stannis for killing Renly.

Stannis is in Jon’s office, er, I mean Lord Commander Snow’s office. Jon turns down Stannis’s offer to lead his army and become Jon Stark. He’ll never be Jon Stark, as much as he wants it to be so. Jon has to figure out what do about the Wildlings. Stannis wants them for his own army, but Jon knows they would never follow Stannis willingly. Davos tries to convince Jon to take Winterfell, saying it would be good for both Stannis and the Night’s Watch. Jon mulls it over.

Meanwhile, back in Braavos, the other sweeping girl gets all up in Arya’s business, asking her “Who are you?” Arya responds, “No one.” The girl then belts out, “I really want to knooooowwwww! Who are you? Who-oo oo-oo.” No, wait, that’s The Who. But yeah, this girl is unrelenting on Arya until Jaqen breaks it up. Jaqen gets asks the mean girl what she was doing and admonishes her, saying that Arya isn’t ready for the test. Arya thinks she is ready and doesn’t understand why Jaqen has her sweeping when she should be learning how to kill.

Jaqen doesn’t let Arya off the hook. Arya says she’s ready to be a Faceless Man, but Jaqen counters that if she really is no one, than why is she dressed in Arya Stark’s clothes and in possession of Arya Stark’s sword. Arya gets the message. She dumps all of her possessions into the sea, her clothes, everything. Well, almost everything. She can’t bring herself to throw Needle into the sea. Instead, she buries Needle under some rocks in some breakers by the water’s edge.

Arya returns to her sweeping. ~~Mr. Miyagi~~ Jaqen walks in, and leads her down some steps to a chamber. Arya’s next round of training is about to begin, but it is definitely not what she was expecting. In the chamber is a dead body and the mean girl from earlier. Jaqen leaves. The mean girl explains they are to strip and wash the body. Arya asks, “What do we after we wash him?” but receives no answer.

Sansa and Littlefinger visit the Boltons. Some girls, I think they’re Ramsey’s playthings, are throwing Sansa some serious shade and side eye.

Up at Castle Black, Jon, in his first act of Lord Commandership, appoints Brian to dig a latrine, because that “seems like a good job for a ginger.” Everyone laughs. Smh, Jon Snow. When are we going to judge a man for the content of his character and not the redness of his hair? Somewhere in another fictional universe, Ron Weasley is crying.

Jon then names Thorne as the First Ranger. This is huge. Thorne has always been Jon’s biggest enemy in the Night’s Watch, and now Jon is giving Thorne the highest honor he can bestow upon him. Is Jon doing this because he’s the bigger man, and can see past their differences to the fact that Thorne deserves this title more than anyone else in the Night’s Watch? Or is it a political move, designed to keep his enemy close? Maybe it’s a little of both.

It definitely seems like a political move when Jon makes his third decree, sending away Lord Janos to head up a different castle far away. Janos is pissed. He refuses, saying he’ll never take an order from a bastard. He is ready to mutiny and clearly thinks he has Thorne’s support. He doesn’t. Jon orders Janos’s death for his act of treason. Thorne steps aside and lets the brothers take Janos. Did Thorne step aside because it was the right thing to do, recognizing that the Night’s Watch can’t harbor brothers seeking treason against the Lord Commander? Or did he step aside because Jon just made him First Ranger? I think it was more the latter.

Jon calls for Lord Janos’s head. This scene harkens back to the very first episode of the series, when Ned Stark orders the death of the runaway Night’s Watch brother and executes the man himself, telling his sons that the man who orders another man’s death should always be the same one who delivers it. Jon definitely took that to heart, and stands ready with his blade to decapitate Lord Janos, who begs for mercy. Janos’s final words are “I’m afraid. I’ve always been afraid,” which seems to sum up his character perfectly. Remember, it was Janos who was hiding in the cellars during the huge battle against the Wildlings last season.

Stannis watched all of this go down. He shows no expression during any of this, but he can’t not be impressed with Jon Snow as Lord Commander. Stannis himself wbrook no treason, and would sentence a traitor to death just as quickly as Jon did.

The episode then cuts to a weird sex party. The High Septon is picking from whores who are each dressed as a different aspect of the Seven. Whoa, this is seriously fucked up. This would be like the pope picking out whores who were dressed as the Virgin Mary, Jesus and the Holy Spirit. Side note: how does one dress as the holy spirit? The Sparrows break up the sexy party, drag the High Septon away and parade him through the streets of Kings Landing completely naked, his hypocrisy laid bare.

Later, at the Small Council meeting, the High Septon complains about what the Sparrows did to him and wants their leader, the High Sparrow, killed. Cersei doesn’t take him too seriously, knowing what he was up to when the Sparrows abducted him.

Still, Cersei pays a visit to the Sparrows and finds herself talking to the High Sparrow. The High Sparrow is a very old man, who kind of looks like the pervy neighbor that is always hitting on Chris in Family Guy. You know, this guy.

The High Sparrow is feeding the homeless. He’s there to serve the people, not serve himself, unlike the High Septon. Cersei, showing that she is not in fact 100% made of stone, wants to make the High Sparrow the new High Septon.

Back at the Bolton stronghold, Sansa walks right past Reek. She doesn’t notice him, but he definitely notices her. It’s hard to tell if the small part of him that is still Theon Greyjoy recognizes her as Sansa Stark, or if it’s just Reek realizing she’s someone from his past. I wonder if Reek will aid Sansa in her revenge against he Boltons. Lord knows they both have motivation. Or is Theon so far gone that he’ll end up undermining Sansa? I’d like to see him make a last minute save of Sansa from Ramsey, perhaps gutting Ramsey in the process.

Littlefinger meets with Ramsey and then with Lord Bolton. Maybe Littlefinger once truly did love Catelyn Stark, but now I think the only one he truly loves is himself, and the accumulation of more gold and more power for himself. I think it’s this season that we really are seeing the differences between Littlefinger and Varys. While they are both lying snakes in the grass who are each working their own agenda at all times, I get the feeling that Varys is doing what he is doing to bring about what will be a better Westeros in his eyes. Littlefinger, on the other hand, just wants what’s best for Littlefinger. Varys has no interest in sitting on the Iron Throne himself, but you can’t help but get the feeling after seeing all of Littlefinger’s machinations over the seasons laid bare, that Littlefinger’s ultimate goal is his own butt sitting on the Iron Throne.

Speaking of Varys, he and Tyrion are travelling in a wheelhouse. Know that expression, that isn’t my wheelhouse? Ever wonder what an actual wheelhouse was? Well, here you go. Tyrion is bored. He wants out of the wheelhouse. Varys advises against it, but can’t stop him. They’re travelling through this incredibly tall city built on a bridge. It makes for quite the cool visual. Tyrion exits the wheelhouse to explore the city on foot, with Varys trailing behind him.

The city is full of slaves who have their jobs tattooed on their faces. Imagine if people had tattoos like that today. What would be a good tattoo for a Game of Thrones recapper? A keyboard? An angry comment box?

An Asian red priestess is preaching to the masses. She spots Tyrion, and it seems that she realizes who she is. Tyrion notices her noticing him. He ducks into his favorite of ducking into spots, the local brothel. The guard at the door rubs Tyrion’s head, saying “It’s good luck to rub a dwarf’s head.” Tyrion responds with the best line of the episode, “It’s even better luck to suck a dwarf’s cock.” Inside the brothel, a whore is dressed as Dany. This makes Dany a popular choice for comic book convention cosplayers and the whores of Westeros.

Whoa, Jorah Friendzone is in the whorehouse! What’s Friendzone doing here? I wonder how many times he’s hired the Dany whore. I’m guessing that’s where most of his money goes. Tyrion chooses a non-Dany whore, but once they are alone, he can’t bring himself to have sex with her. It’s like his falling in love with a whore, being betrayed by her and then strangling her to death has somehow affected him. Weird…

Tyrion pees off a wall on the side of the whorehouse. This guy really likes peeing off of walls. First, The Wall in season 1, and now the (small w) wall here. As he’s peeing, Friendzone ties a rope around him and gags his mouth. Friendzone then declares, “I’m taking you to the queen.” WHICH QUEEN?!? Cersei? Dany? The local drag queen (who as it turns out also dresses as Dany)? Find out next week (I hope)!

April 19, 2015 by Billy Henehan

Game of Thrones – S5E2 – The House of Black and White – Recap

Arya is sailing on her boat to Braavos. They sail under that giant statue of a titan that is one of my favorite parts of every Game of Thrones opening. The captain says that the titan defends Braavos. Arya is experienced enough to realize that statues don’t to defend anyone.

When they arrive in Braavos, Arya is left in front of a building with a black and white door. An old black man opens the door. He turns Arya away, even after Arya presents her coin to him. After the black and white door is shut in her face, Arya throws her coin of the faceless man into the water.

Pod and Brienne have stopped at an inn for some food. Sansa and Littlefinger are dining there. Littlefinger should promote a line of pub food called Littlefingers li’l chicken fingers, but I digress. Pod spots Littlefinger and Sansa. Brienne introduces herself, and it goes poorly. But Brienne’s frustrated with her quest, and isn’t going to let Littlefinger’s men get in the way of her and Sansa. In classic Pod fashion, he loses control of his horse and goes galloping away during the fight. This gives us more time to focus on Brienne’s sword fight, where she breaks her opponents sword in half with her own. Half of Ice is quite the sword.

In King’s Landing, Cersei has summoned Jaime. When he arrives, she has him finger a box. Not that box, you perv! The box springs open to his touch and a menacing viper is revealed. Wait, now I’m not even sure I’m talking about the box on the table or Cersei’s. The viper statue in the box on the table has their daughter Marcela’s necklace on it. It’s clearly a threat, in revenge for the Red Viper’s death at the hands of the Mountain last season.

Bronn and his betrothed are walking along the shore of her family estate. His future wife is a bit of a Debbie Downer, but Bronn rolls with it. Jaime shows up, and Bronn immediately realizes that anything Jaime has to tell him is not going to lead to Bronn having the relaxing day he was planning. It sounds like Jaime is enlisting Bronn to save his daughter. Bronn wants to know what’s in it for him. Jaime tells him a prettier wife and a bigger homestead. Bronn is in. Classic Bronn.

The Red Viper’s former lover, whose name I can’t ever remember so she’ll now be referred to as that Sand lady (because I only remember her last name was Sand…it’s either that or Slutty Princess Leia, your call), is meeting with the Prince of Dorn. He’s in a wheelchair. For some reason, I pictured this guy being much younger, but it looks like he’s the Red Viper’s older brother. Maybe he’s not older and he just looks older. Anyway, that Sand lady (hmmm, I think I do like Slutty Princess Leia better) is pissed and wants revenge on the Lannisters for Oberin’s death. The Sand Snakes are with her. I think the Sand Snakes are Oberin’s daughters. You know what, with all this talk of vipers and sand snakes, I’m going to refer to her from now on as The Baroness, aka the sexiest part of Cobra. If only she would start wearing glasses and go for that sexy librarian look that The Baroness pulled off so well. Ellaria! That’s her name! Damn, I thought the Baroness had a good ring to it…

In Meereen, Daario and the Unsullied are hunting the assassin from last episode. The assassin is a member of the Sons of the Harpy. When the Unsullied can’t find the assassin in the assassin’s home, Daario stabs a wall, causing the assassin to fall through the wall, writhing in pain. Daario is like the Fonz, if you replace jukebox with wall and hip thumping with stabbing. Ayyyyyy…

Dany is trying to figure out what to do with the Son of the Harpy, who is now in custody. Ser Barriston the Brave explains to Dany the story of the Mad King. Maybe calling him the Mad King to his daughter isn’t the best idea? No one every called him Ser Barriston the Tactful. Barriston points out that the usurpers to throne were given plenty of reasons to not trust the king by the king himself, and warns Dany not to go down a similar path.

Tyrion is restless and wants to go out. Varys warns him that it’s not safe. Tyrion brushes Varys’s fears aside, saying “How many dwarves are there in the world? Is Cersei going to kill them all?”

Ironically, a dead dwarf’s head is given to Cersei at that very moment by a bounty hunter at a high council meeting. Unfortunately for the bounty hunter, Cersei recognizes the head as not belonging to her brother. Ah, Lannister family love. Son kills dad. Sister orders a hit on brother. I hope Hallmark comes out with a line of Game of Thrones greeting cards.

At the high council meeting, Cersei, in an attempt to stave off the subterfuge she predicted earlier, assigns new roles and titles to members of the high council. Never let it be said that Cersei isn’t always thinking three moves ahead, which is probably why she’s still alive and Ned Stark is a pile of bones missing a head. Robb Stark too for that matter.

Up at Castle Black, Gilly is learning to read. Stannis’s daughter is teaching her. Mrs. Stannis doesn’t trust Gilly and wants her daughter to stay away from her, which of course just helps show how crazy Mrs. Stannis is, because Gilly might be the nicest character on this show. She’s so nice that it’s amazing she’s still alive. Now that I think about it, Stannis’s daughter might be tied with Gilly as the nicest character on the show. They’ll probably both die within a fortnight.

We learn a bit about Stannis’s daughter’s facial skin affliction in her conversation with Gilly. It seems that this isn’t just severely dry skin, and might be somehow linked to the Others. Gilly makes it sound like Stannis’s daughter is the only person she knows of who has survived it. It sounds like it’s more common up in the North, where the Others have more influence. It’s surprising to me that Stannis’s daughter was struck with it. I wonder if she was born in the North.

Stannis and Davos are meeting with Jon. Stannis is pissed at Jon for killing Mance Raydar. Stannis wanted Mance to suffer. Jon’s willing to take any punishment Stannis has in store, but Stannis tells him that he doesn’t punish men for bravery. Dude, you’re saying that with Davos standing right there! Remember when Davos saved your ass and you rewarded him with a title and the loss of his fingers from the last knuckle down? Doesn’t punish men for bravery…right.

Stannis wants Jon to lead the wildlings for Stannis and retake Winterfell. Jon says that he can’t, the men of the Night’s Watch don’t take sides in royal disputes. Stannis offers to rechristen Jon as Jon Stark. He’d no longer be a bastard and would be the heir to Winterfell. Basically, Stannis is offering Jon all that Jon has ever wanted .

Later, the men fo the Night’s Watch are voting for a new Lord Commander. That bald guy who cowered in the cellars during the big battle at the end of last season nominates Thorne. Thorne is the heavy favorite to win this. Sam nominates Jon, saying that after Thorne was injured int he battle, Jon took charge and is the reason they’re alive today. Despite being a bastard, a lot of the brotherhood likes and respects Jon. The vote ends in a tie between Jon and Thorne. Oh damn, it’s a motherfucking run off, bitch! Oh, nevermind. The maester gets to break ties, just like the Vice President in the Senate. He votes for Jon. Man, everything is coming up Jon today. If he stays in the Night’s Watch, he’s the new Lord Commander. If he leaves, he leaves as Jon Stark, heir to Winterfell.

In the streets of Braavos, Arya kills a pigeon. This scene harkens back to season one, when her Braavosi sword instructer had her chase cats around King’s Landing. Three older boys want her pigeon, and want to also rape her from the look of them. They say that pigeon is worth something. Arya responds with the best line of the episode, “Nothing is worth anything to dead men.” Right before she’s about to kill them, the old black dude from the house with the black and white door shows up, scares the boys off, and gives Arya back her coin. Then his face changes and he’s Jaqen! Arya is as shocked to see him as I am. He tells her, “A man is not Jaqen H’ghar.” I swear, Jaqen is Yoda, if Yoda was an assassin. Jaqen tells Arya that he is “no one, and that is what a girl must become.” I’m telling you, Yoda.

One of Dany’s men kils the Son of the Harpy assassin who is awaiting trial. Dany is not happy. He was her prisoner, for her to do with as she saw fit, and she wanted him to stand trial, but now he’s dead. Dany says the law is the law, and arrests the assassin’s killer for murder. She makes a public example of him. In front of the former masters and slaves, Dany orders his death. The former slaves plead with her, but her mind is made up. Daario delivers his death. The people are not happy. They hiss at Dany and throw rocks at the former masters. Dany might be facing an uprising or a civil war. The Unsullied protect and help her flee the square. Just when she’s at her low point, Drogon, the black dragon, returns. She’s happy to see him. But just as quickly as he arrives, he flies off again. I wonder how happy Dany will be when Tyrion shows up. I doubt she’ll greet him with the same smile with which she greeted Drogan.

April 13, 2015 by Billy Henehan

Game of Thrones – S5E1 – The Wars to Come – Recap

Like a corpse reanimated by the White Walkers, I’m back! Much has changed since my last Game of Thrones recap. I’ve read the books, well some of them. I’ve read the first three books in A Song of Ice and Fire. I’m now caught up in the books to the end of season 4 on the show. I didn’t want to read past the show, so normal rules apply: Please do not leave comments with spoilers for events that have happened in the books, but have not yet happened in the show.

I watch Game of Thrones on HBO Go. We got a “Previously on Game of Thrones” for the first time ever on HBO Go this week, bringing up scenes from as far back as season 1, episode 1. Do the TV viewers always get a “Previously on…” or is this a new thing for everyone?

I cannot tell you how excited I am that Game of Thrones is back. Even having Daredevil to take my mind off the return of Game of Thrones only worked so much. By Sunday morning, I was humming the opening theme to Game of Thrones, counting down the hours until 9 PM. I rewatched the final episode of last season. In the months between its first airing and my rewatching, I forgot how good an episode that is.

But we’re not here to talk about the end of season four. We’re here to talk about the start of season five. The opening title sequence looks new. They made some changes, right? I need to watch each season’s title sequence one after the other. I feel like they’re different each season, but I can’t think of specific examples off the top of my head. Wait, Pentos. Is Pentos new this season?

The episode opens on two girls, a blonde and a brunette. Crap, I accidentally cued up Into the Woods instead of Game of Thrones. The young blonde girl is dressed and has her hair styled similar to Cersei Lannister. Oh wait, that is Cersei. Huh, apparently Cersei is one of those people who found a look when she was 12 and stuck with it for the rest of her life. If I was like that, I’d still be walking around with spiky hair, a batman t-shirt and a denim jacket filled with superhero pins. Hmm, on second thought, there’s nothing wrong with people finding their defining look at age 12 and sticking with it forever. Those people are totally normal and shouldn’t be judged. Now excuse me while I get back to folding my Batman t-shirts…

Cersei and her friend go to a witch’s hut. Cersei wants to know her own future. To tell her future, the witch needs Cersei to prick her own finger and let the witch taste the blood. I’m not quite sure what the witch is getting out of this, unless she really likes the taste of blood freely given. Maybe she just likes the looks on the faces of people when she tells them riddles about their futures where every good thing is weighed down by a slew of bad things. Cersei finds out gems like yes, she will be queen, but she won’t have any children with the king, even though the king will have 20 children. She will have 3 children of own though. They’ll wear crowns of gold and shrouds of gold, a feat of poetry which makes the witch cackle. Lesson learned: never go to fortune tellers.

We jump to the present and preparations are being made for Tywin’s funeral. Tywin is laid out in the sept, and has those creepy, open-eyed stones on his eyes. Jaime is watching his father’s body. Cersei walks in. Who else thought the two of them might be DTF next to their dad’s dead body? What? It’s these two, don’t judge me for thinking that!

Tyrion is still in the crate we last saw him enter at the end of season 4. We get a cool crate’s eye view of Tyrion’s travels, first on boat, then on land. Eventually, Varys lets him out of the crate. Tyrion doesn’t understand why he couldn’t let him out sooner. Varys says it was for their own protection. I think it’s half that, half Varys likes to be a dick sometimes. Tyrion says Varys doesn’t know what it’s like to have to poke your own shit through the hole of a crate. Varys counters that Tyrion doesn’t know what it’s like to have to pick up that shit every time and fling it overboard without people noticing. They’re in Pentos at Illyrio’s house. You might remember Illyrio from waaaaayyyyy back in season one as the guy who arranged the marriage of Dany to Khal Drogo.

Speaking of Dany, we cut to Meereen, where one of her Unsullied is off to meet with a whore. Say what? Are they suddenly sulliable again? No, he pays to cuddle with a whore. No sex. She strokes his head like a mother’s touch. It’s almost sweet until a gold-faced assassin slips in and slits his throat.

Up at Castle Black, both Sam and Gilly look thinner. I don’t know if this is to show they’re running low on food at Castle Black, or if both actors just wanted to get in a little bit better shape in the off season.

Alliser Thorne is the Acting Head Crow In Charge.

Jon is training the kid that killed Ygritte in sword fighting. Man, that has to be awkward. Sensing things weren’t awkward enough, Smoky Vajayjay, Stannis’s firecrotched witch, escorts Jon Snow to Stannis. On the way, she asks him if he’s a virgin. When is that question ever not awkward? He mutters no. She tell him, “Good.” She’s such a weirdo.

Stannis wants Jon to convince Mance to bend a knee to Stannis and have his people join his army to take back Winterfell. Jon knows Mance won’t bow a knee to anyone. Stannis, ever the flexible negotiator, says no problem. Just kidding, Stannis is as rigid as the pole up his own ass. If Mance doesn’t bend the knee, Mance dies.

We check in on Littlefinger and Sansa. They’re watching Sansa’s sickly cousin Robin Arryn train. Robin’s not doing well. It’s noted that “he swings his sword like a girl with palsy.” Ouch. Sansa has grown approximately 8 ft since season 4 ended. She towers over Littlefinger.

Since we’re on the subject of tall women of Westeros, Brienne of Tarth isn’t doing well. After being shunned by Arya, she’s ready to call it a day. She tells Pod to leave her, that they’ll never find Sansa, and that “the good lords are dead and the rest are monsters.” Ironically, while she’s wallowing in self-pity, Sansa and Littlefinger drive right past them. D’oh. Littlefinger tells Sansa he’s going to take her “to a land so far from here, where even Cersei Lannister can’t get her hands on you.”

Cersei hates the Tyrells. She’s convinced they’re all just biding their time for her father’s funeral to be over to make a power play. It’s like they say, you’re not paranoid if everyone really is out to get you. Cersei’s cousin shows up at the funeral. He’s a Lannister, but he’s dressed like Varys, if Varys was homeless. He’s a “Sparrow.” It’s some kind of religious order. Wait a second, this is the cousin from a few seasons ago that Cersei fucked when Jaime was missing? The one that looked like the Little Dutch Boy logo? Is this a new actor or do the Sparrows hold their meetings in Westeros gyms?

Jon meets with Mance Rayder. Jon tries his hardest to convince Mance to take the knee for the sake of Mance’s people, but Mance knows that if he does take the knee, his people will immediately turn his back on him. He would rather die on his feet than live on his knees. Jon is sad, because he likes and respects Mance, and knows Stannis will yield nothing and kill Mance if Mance refuses.

The Knight of Flowers, who you may remember as being Princess Low Cut’s brother, Princess Low Cut’s husband’s lover and now Cersei’s betrothed is naked with some dude. Princess Low Cut walks in on them. I feel like I should just call her Marjorie here for two reasons: she’s not wearing a low cut dress (it is a funeral after all) and since reading the books, I’m getting better at remembering character names. Still, I really do love that nickname for her. In this scene, I definitely get the feeling that Marjorie is her grandmother’s granddaughter, and that she might try to kill Cersei.

At Illyrio’s house, Varys and Tyrion are discussing the future of Westeros. Varys says they need someone on the Iron Throne who is stronger than Tomlin but gentler than Stannis. Tyrion wishes him good luck on finding a man like that. Varys says the famous line from the season 5 trailer, “Who said anything about a man?” Varys gives Tyrion the choice of heading to Meereen to meeting Dany or drinking himself to death at Illyrio’s house. Tyrion compromises by asking if he can drink himself to death on the road to Meereen.

In Meereen, the former slave masters are petitioning for the reopening of the fighting pits. Slaves used to fight to the death in the pits. Dany isn’t having it, even if it would be free men fighting. Later, in bed, Daario makes his pitch for the fighting pits reopening, saying the pits made him into the man he is today. Side note, there is a lot of man ass this episode. Put some pants on, Daario.

Drogon, the black dragon, is still missing. Dany visits her other dragons. They snap at her, acting angry for being locked away for so long. They don’t try to kill her, so surely they still recognize their mother. Still, it’s obvious that Dany now fears them.

At Castle Black, Mance is brought before Stannis, in front of all of Mance’s head people, Stannis’s captains, and the crows of the Night’s Watch. Unsurprisingly, Mance doesn’t take the knee. Stannis’s men tie him to a stake and start the fire. I find myself hoping that the Lord of Light will somehow make Mance immune to the flames. Weirder things have happened on this show. Sadly, Mance is not immune and starts to burn. Jon can’t watch. He walks away. Suddenly, two arrows pierce Mance, killing him. Jon fired the arrows, a final act of mercy to Mance Rayder. RIP Mance Rayder, you’ll be missed.

Tuesday Night Movies

Movie reviews, Comics & General Geekery

Category Archives: Television