The episodes opens with Vijayjay. She’s happy, the ice in the camp is melting. If an icicle melting doesn’t scream, “This was totally worth killing that child for,” I don’t know what does. Now that the storm is receding, Stannis can march on Winterfell. Vijayjay wants to kiss him, but he’s not interested. There’s something about murdering your only daughter that just takes the sex out of a relationship. Oh man, half of Stannis’s men deserted last night. Stannis was a hard man before, but he seems even harder now, like he’s made of stone. When one of his soldier arrives with news, Stannis commands him to “Speak up. It can’t be worse than mutiny.” Mrs. Stannis hung herself. Stannis’s reaction: “On to Winterfell.” Hard, I tell you.
Jon is telling Sam about the army of the undead. “How many Valyrian Steel swords are left in the seven kingdoms?” Sam asks. “Not enough.” Jon responds. Sam wants to be sent with Gilly and the baby to the Citadel in Old Town to become a maester. But really, I get the feeling he wants to save the baby. But he makes a good case for sending him: he can learn things that will help in their fight against the White Walkers. Jon doesn’t want him to go, but allows it. When Sam tells him about Gilly riding the Sam train, Jon is perplexed and asks him, “You’ve just been beaten half to death. How did you?” Same gets the best line of the episode with “Very carefully.”
Sam, Gilly and the baby depart. Jon’s number of friends in Castle Black keep dwindling.
Stannis’s army marches. Winterfell is before them.
The Boltons are getting ready for Stannis. Sansa uses the corkscrew from a couple of episodes back to escape her room. Why she drops the corkscrew in the doorway, I’ll never know. She brings a candle to the Old Tower, but lights it 10 second after Brienne stops looking for it. Classic Stark luck.
Pod is bringing back a dead fox and some wood. He spots Stannis’s army and rushes to Brienne to tell her.
Stannis wants to lay siege, but the Boltons aren’t having any of that. They ride out to him. Stannis draws his sword. The Bolton riders flank his men on both sides. It’s a bloody battle, but Stannis is standing at the end of it. Two of Bolton’s men slice his legs, but he slices their throats. Brienne approaches Stannis as he’s lying against a tree, unable to stand. She accuses him of murdering Renley with blood magic. Stannis admits to it. Brienne executes Stannis.
Ramsey survived the battle. He’s enjoying himself, picking off the few men left of Stannis’s army. The battlefield is littered with bodies on both sides.
Sansa tries sneaking back to her chambers, but is ambushed on the way by Ramsey’s girlfriend Myranda and Reek. Myranda is about to get all Katniss Everdeen up on Sansa with her bow and arrow, but Reek saves Sansa and throws Myranda to her death. Reek and Sansa run. When they see Ramsey returning, they make their escape Thelma and Louise-style off one of the high walls of Winterfell into the snow banks below.
Meryn Trant has three young girls in his room. He’s beating them bloody. This guy is sick. Two of the girls scream. The third, a girl whose hair is covering her face, doesn’t scream. Hello, Arya. She brushes her hair back…no, not Arya. Or is it? Her faces changes. It is Arya! She stabs Meryn Trant in the eyes and the chest. “You were the first person on my list, you know?” she tells him. Arya is to the paining this guy! She tells him he’s no one and slits his throat. Arya is officially a BAMF.
At the house of black and white, Arya puts the mask she used back in its place. Jaqen confronts her. He’s pissed. “Only death can pay for life.” he says, and whips out a vial of poison. Both Arya and I are worried he’s going to pour the poison down Arya’s throat. But he doesn’t! Jaqen poisons himself and drops dead! That was fucked up.
Wait, the girl is Jaqen too! Wait a second, how did she/he change her/his height? And are either of these the Jaqen from past seasons? Arya keeps ripping masks off Jaqen’s dead face. It’s like a Scooby Doo episode! Eventually Arya gets to own face, and then she goes blind. She can’t see and her eyes are all white. WTF!
Viper Mom kisses Myrcella on the lips as Myrcella, Jaime, Trystane and Bronn leave. My first thought is, “Did Viper Mom poison Myrcella with that kiss?” Dagger tells Bronn, “You want a good girl, but you need a bad pussy.” She knows Bronn so well.
On the boat, Jamie gives Myrcella a “We don’t choose whom we love” speech. He’s trying to tell her he’s her dad, but she already knows, and she’s cool with it. She says she’s glad Jamie is her father. Clearly, this shocks Jamie. Awwww. Wait, ew ew ew ew, he’s still her uncle-father. Damn inbred Lannisters making be care about their incestuous romance. Myrcella nose starts bleeding and she dies in Jamie’s arms. Fucking Viper Mom.
Back at the dock, Viper Mom and the Vipers are watching the boat sail away. Viper Mom’s nose is bleeding too. She wipes the blood from her nose and the poison off her lips. Then she drinks the antidote, the crazy viper girls following behind her.
Tyrion, Daario and Jorah are chilling in the throne room. Glad they lived. Grey Worm and Missandei join them. They talk of forming a party to go find Dany. Daario points out why Tyrion wouldn’t be an asset to a search party, saying “Mainly you talk.” Tyrion counters, “And drink.” Daario wants to leave Tyrion, Greyworm and Missandei to run Mereen. That leaves Daario and Jorah to find Dany. The boyfriend and friend zone hunting for Dany! Oh boy.
Tyrion watches Friend Zone and Daario leave. Varys comes out of nowhere and joins him on the balcony. Varys gives Tyrion a nice a pep talk that makes Tyrion almost happy to see him.
Dany and Drogon are on a mountaintop. Drogon is healing. He’s surrounded by the burnt skeletons of all the animals she’s eaten recently. Dany mounts Drogan, but he literally flips her off. She wants to go home, but he want to nap.
Some Dothraki ride up on Dany. By some, I mean a whole herd. They encircle her. She’s as confused by their appearance as I am. She drops her ring on the ground. Is this in case someone comes looking for her? Or did she not want the Dothraki to see that ring?
Cersei is in her cell. Her favorite nun visits and tells her to confess. Cersei confesses to the High Sparrow. She confesses to sleeping with Lancel, but not Jaime. She wants to return to her son, the king. The High Sparrow tells her, “After your atonement.” Cersei is stripped and washed by the nuns. They chop her hair off, giving her a stylish pixie cut. It’s like Cersei by way of Annie Lennox. They’re not precise with the razor and she’s bleeding from a few spots.
The High Sparrow makes her walk naked back to the castle through the crowds of people. A nun follows her ringing a bell and shouting “Shame!”. I think the High Sparrow checks out her ass as she walks away. That High Sparrow is so cheeky! Wow, this is a lot of naked Lena Headley this episode. Was she even this naked in the pilot? This is like season 1 Dany nakedness. The crowd catcalls Cersei, calling her a whore and a bitch and a cunt. She just keeps walking. They pelt her with rotten food. She just keeps walking. I’m pretty sure someone slapped feces on her shoulder. She’s spat on and hit with buckets of muck, but keeps walking. I will say this for the Faithful Militant, they beat back anyone who tries to actually touch her. She’s knocked to the ground, but gets back up and eventually reaches the safety of the castle. She’s crying, and her feet are bloody. Between that, and her new haircut, I feel like Annie Lennox’s Walking on Broken Glass should have been playing during this scene.
I also feel like this is going to give us Cersei 2.0. The High Sparrow and Viper Mom better watch their backs in season 6.
When Cersei enters the castle, she’s gawked at by the advisers she used to lord over. The only one who doesn’t gawk is Dr Frankenstein, who presents her with the newest member of the Kings Guard. I’ts Mountain, reborn as the WWE’s Undertaker.
Vijayjay returns to Castle Black alone, looking lost. Jon wants to know about Stannis, and Davos wants to know about Shireen. She meets them both with silence.
Later, Jon is reading his mail. I don’t think he’s getting the men he needs. Ollie, that punk kid who killed Ygritte last season, comes in with news. He tells Jon that wildling says Jon’s Uncle Benjen is still alive and the wildling knows where to find him. Jon is excited! I’m excited! You might be confused. Who is Uncle Benjen, you ask? He’s Ned’s brother and was First Ranger of the Night’s Watch in season 1. He disappeared when out ranging, only his horse returned. He’s been missing (and presumed dead) ever since. Jon is excited. He runs to where a group of Night’s Watch brothers have the wildling surrounded. But it was a ploy. There’s no wildling there, just a cross on it that says “TRAITOR.” Thorne stabs Jon, and says “For the Watch” as he does so. So do a bunch of other brothers. They all repeat “For the watch” as they stab him. Ollie is the last to stab him Jon. He almost hesitates. Fucking Ollie. First Ygritte and now Jon? I hate this kid.
They killed Jon Snow! No!!!!! WHATTT?!? Why make us care about his parentage if you’re just going to do him like that?!?
Jon Snow bleeds out in the snow. I sit on my couch stunned for the next five minutes, trying to come up with ways that Jon isn’t dead. My first and best idea is that Smoky Vijayjay find Jon and saves him with some of her blood and fire magic early next season. Red magic saved that Robin Hood dude that couldn’t kept coming back from dead a few seasons ago. Come on, Smoky Vijayjay! Redeem yourself and save Jon Snow!
