Welcome to another recap of Game of Thrones. There are SPOILERS below for the episode, so if you haven’t seen it yet, read no further. I have not read the books, so please keep your comments to things that have happened in the show only! No spoilers for future events, please!

The episode opens with Stannis and his men sailing under a giant statue of a soldier in a kilt. What do they see when they look up? Whatever it was, it certainly seems to have put Stannis in a mood while he waits to see if his home loan was approved. Stannis has about as much luck at The Iron Bank as Magic Mike did. Too bad for Magic Mike, he didn’t have Davos, aka Captain Five Fingers, on his side. Captain Five Fingers certainly is loyal for a guy who used to be Captain Ten Fingers until Stannis came along. Having a guy whose fingers you cut off on your side apparently goes far with the Iron Bank.

In the baths, Davos’s pal, the pirate (who I want to call Pirate Steve for some reason that I can’t explain), is telling some naked girls a joke that I’m pretty sure George RR Martin (or this episode’s writer) stole from a joke book I read in the third grade. I’ve definitely heard that joke before, just like the girls who he’s telling it to have.

Ever wonder how Westorosians carry around all that pocket change they call money? It turns out it’s in those coin counters the dude at the arcade used to have.

After Davos mentions the pirate’s wife in front of the naked girls, the pirate pal has the best line in the episode so far with “You’re not my friend, my friend.”

Lily Allen is sailing to free her brother Alfie Allen. Okay, I might have to explain this nickname. Alfie Allen plays Theon/Reek, so in my mind, since I can’t remember what Theon’s sister’s name is, this girl is now Lily Allen. Go with me here; there are a lot of characters. Lily Allen wants to free Theon and kill Rob Thomas, who we find out is really into being choked during sex. Lily Allen is stone cold street, taking out Rob Thomas’s men left and right as she quickly makes her way to Theon. Theon has been seriously brainwashed and does not want to go. This presents a problem for Lily Allen when Rob Thomas shows up with more men. I’m not sure if Rob got all those cuts from Lily Allen’s men or from that rough sex he was having. Either way, he’s in a good mood.  Lily Allen is one of the toughest characters on the show, so I was VERY surprised when he turns tail and runs without Theon.

Rob Thomas is happy with Reek for wanting to stay and wants to give him a reward. Reek, understandably, is wary of any “reward” coming his way from Rob Thomas. But the reward turns out to be a bath. Just a bath. No shenanigans. Wow, Theon’s body is covered in scars like Batman’s!

Rob Thomas’s true motives are revealed when he tells Reek he wants him to infiltrate Theon’s family’s castle by “pretending to be someone you’re not…Theon Greyjoy.” Oh boy, this should be interesting.

One of Dany’s dragons spots a shepherd’s goats, aka lunch. Wow, these dragons have really gotten big! In case you didn’t know, dragons make amazing goat flambe. The shepherd complains to Dany, who does the right thing and gives the shepherd more than enough money for his dead goats. Dany sees another visitor, the son of one of the masters she nailed to post. They get into a philosophical debate on the rights and wrongs of nailing men to mile posts. But the guy really just wants to be able to bury his dad. Dany finds it in herself to at least agree to that. Dany’s got 212 more people to hear after this guy. To Dany’s credit, it sounds like she’s going to hear them all. Imagine being person #212 on that line. And you thought getting through to a live person at Time Warner Cable was rough.

Sexy Wil Wheaton only owns one shirt. That’s what I’m taking away from this next scene. The small council is meeting. Princess Low Cut’s dad both a) has no sense of humor and b) is a huge kiss ass. Oh, and c) kind of looks like a member of the Lollipop League from The Wizard of Oz. Varys brings up Dany to the small council’s attention. Is this the first time we’re hearing about Friend Zone formerly being a spy in Dany’s company for King’s Landing? I feel like that might have been addressed in season 1, but can’t remember.

After the meeting, Sexy Wil Wheaton walks in on Varys staring at the Iron Throne. Sexy Wil Wheaton has that awkward conversation you’ve probably had when you assume that one of your friends is gay and it turns out he isn’t. But Varys wasn’t into girls either. He’s more asexual, like Sheldon on The Big Bang Theory (also probably like that friend of yours). Varys pretty much hints he wants the throne. But c’mon, in the battle of trickiness, Varys is no Littlefinger. Agree, disagree?

Jaime pays Tyrion another visit. He’s there to escort Tyrion to his trial. When the door opens to the throne room, where the trial is taking place, it almost sounded like the interstitial thum-thum from Law and Order. Okay, maybe that was all in my head.

The tiral of Tyrion Lannister is underway! Someone calls out “Kingslayer!” when he walks in and I’m not sure if they’re talking to Tyrion or Jaime. “Who? Me? No, him? No, me? No, him? No, me. Me.” .

Side note, is Princess Low Cut wearing a bed sheet in court?

Tomlin excuses himself from hearing the case. Pussy. Tywin hears it instead. Tywin likes sitting in that throne. Westerosi courts aren’t like American courts in that the defense doesn’t seem able to do any cross examining. I’m no lawyer, but this seems to be a big advantage for the prosecution. Everyone the prosecution calls pretty much buries Tyrion, but what’d you expect when the witnesses are the Grand Maester, Cersei, etc.

Tywin lets Tyrion ask Varys one question. One! Come on, this isn’t a trial! It’s a shit show! Jaime agrees to my assessment and tries to bargain with daddy during recess in order to save his brother. Jaime tells Tywin that the last order the Mad King gave Jaime before Jaime killed him was to bring him Tywin’s head. Jaime gets the best line of the episode with his follow-up, “I saved your life so that you could murder my brother?” Jaime offers to get married to someone he’s not related to if Tywin spares Tyrion. Tywin agrees. Looks like Tyrion is heading to the Night’s Watch.

Jaime gives Tyrion the game plan. Tyrion doesn’t trust his dad, but he does trust Jaime.

Tywin REALLY likes sitting on that iron throne. Watch your back, Tomlin.

Things get really interesting when the prosecution calls…Shae! Awwwwwkwarrrrrd. Apparently, Shae never picked up that Tyrion was White Fanging her, because she totally throws Tyrion under the bus. Do they have buses in Westoros? No? Fine. Shae totally throws Tyrion under the horse cart.  Basically, everything that Shae can say to bury Tyrion she does say. Killed Joffrey? Yup. Stole poison? Yup. Wants to kill all the Lannisters? Yup. Bitches, man.

Tyrion announces he wishes to confess. Then he announces that he should have let Stannis kill everyone here. Um, Tyrion, what about that confession? Tyrion confesses, not to poisoning the king, but to being a dwarf. Tyrion’s the best. Best line of the episode goes to Tyrion: “I didn’t kill Joffrey but I wish I had. Watching your bastard die gave me more relief than a thousand lying whores.” Great line, but not a great defense. After Tyrion riles up the crowd, Tywin orders him back to his cell. Knowing he won’t get any justice in the court, Tyrion announces he’ll let the gods decide his fate. He demands a trial by combat! Everyone is varying levels of shocked and intrigued. The episode ends with a stare down between Tywin and Tyrion. Oh damn. It. Is. On.

I can’t wait for Sunday’s episode, because I have so many questions. Will this be like the last time Tyrion was given a trial by combat up in the Aerie? Namely, does Tyrion get a champion? Will it be Bronn? Jaime? Jaime vs. Bronn? And if no champion, Tyrion vs. Jaime? Tyrion vs. Tywin? IS IT SUNDAY YET?????