If you’ve never read one of my recaps before, a few things. I’ve read some of the books, but only up to A Storm of Swords. I don’t want to read past the TV show. I ask that you please respect that, and while I welcome comments, I just ask that you don’t spoil anything that hasn’t happened on the show yet. Also, please forgive my use of nicknames. They started because I couldn’t keep track of all the characters names, and my favorites have continued because I love calling some characters by them.

As the episode starts, Friend Zone steals a boat and rows away with Tyrion tied up onboard. Somewhere else, a bigger boat is sailing. Jamie asks the captain what island they’re passing. He has a moment of quiet reverie when the captain tells him it’s Tarth, the sapphire island. For those not keeping up at home, Brienne is from Tarth. Brienne and Jamie had developed a begrudging friendship when she was escorting Jaime back to King’s Landing. Jaime and Bronn are prepping to sneak into Dorne. Bronn asks Jaime why Jaime has to the one to free Princess Myrcella. When Jamie says Myrcella is his niece, Bronn gets brazen by asking, “Niece?” Oh Bronn, you rule. Bronn then points out that even if Myrcella is Jamie’s “niece,” it still doesn’t explain why Jamie Lannister has to be the one who frees her. Jamie almost quotes N*Sync when he responds, “It‘s gonna has to be me.”

Bronn tells Jamie to give Tyrion his regards if he ever sees him again. Jaime’s response to that is, “He murdered my father. If I ever see him, I’ll split him in two. Then I’ll give him your regards.” Damn Jamie, that was cold blooded!

In King’s Landing, the small council is meeting. Cersei is sending Lord Tyrell to the Iron Bank to renegotiate the terms of the kingdom’s debt. So the Iron Bank is China to Westeros’s United States? Am I hearing this right? Lord Tyrell isn’t keen on going, but Cersei insists, saying it’s the order of the king. She assigns Ser Meryn to accompany him. I’m pretty sure Ser Meryn is one of Cersei’s lackeys, so Lord Tyrell must be feeling great about that. The grand maester notes that “The small council grows smaller and smaller.” To which Cersei responds, “Not small enough.” Those Lannisters, cold blooded!

Cersei then meets with the High Sparrow. She wants to give this guy an army. She says that there are miscreants around Westeros who the king can’t deal with, who commit crimes of morality, that for political reasons, even the king can’t deal with. There used to be a Faith Militant in Westerns, but it was disbanded long ago. Cersei wants the High Sparrow to bring it back, and conveniently give him a list of places to start. She’s setting someone up, but whom?

The Sparrows are now dressed in dark robes and have been branded on their forehead. The Sparrows, now the Faith Militant, go  to town on the vices of King’s Landing. They smash wine casks and raid whorehouses. Is Cersei going after Littlefinger? This is intercut with what looks like the Faith Militant torturing a tied up man, but in fact they’re branding another member. It’s Cersei’s former fuck-buddy cousin! The Faith Militant grab the Knight of Flowers, with Cersei’s former fuck-buddy cousin leading the charge. Wait, didn’t this guy used to have sex with the Knight of Flowers too? Huh, so it wasn’t Littlefinger Cersei was going after, but rather the Knight of Flowers, now that his dad, Lord Tyrell, is out of town. Littlefinger’s holdings just got caught up in her plot to get at the Tyrells.

Princess Low Cut is pissed! Her brother is in jail. She confronts Tomlin about this, and he pledges to free her brother. Tomlin then goes to his mother to get the Knight of Flowers released. He demands that Ser Loras be freed. Cersei, always drinking wine, tells him to take it up with the High Sparrow.

Tomlin goes to speak to the High Sparrow. He can’t even get an audience with him. The Faith Militant block the steps to the Sept. It looks like the King’s Guard are going throw down with the Faith Militant, until people in the crowd start yelling at Tomlin, calling him a bastard and an abomination. Tomlin retreats. Princess Low Cut isn’t pleased. You can almost see the exact moment when Tomlin realizes he’s not going to be getting any sex in the near future.

Stannis and Mrs. Stannis are talking to each other on the steps of Castle Black, watching Jon train his men. This seems like a throwaway conversation, but in the hunt for Jon Snow’s parentage, gives us a subtle clue. Mrs. Stannis calls Jon the offspring of a tavern slut, and Stannis responds, “Perhaps, but that wasn’t Ned Stark’s way,” as if Stannis has his doubts as to what’s been popularly accepted as Jon’s backstory. I think we should have doubts too.

Later, Jon is signing letters asking for lords to send more men to the Watch. He doesn’t want to send Roose Bolton a letter, considering what Bolton did to the Starks, but Sam rightly points out that they can’t defend the wall with 50 men. Roose Bolton is Warden of the North. They need his help. Jon reluctantly signs. As Sam leaves, Smoky Vajayjay enters Jon’s office. She wants Jon to ride south. She then strips for him. Is she trying to make another shadow creature? She even talks to Jon about the “power to cast shadows” as she’s tracing his fingers along her naked body. Jon turns her down, to which she responds, “You know nothing, Jon Snow.” Whoa.

We find out how Stannis’s daughter got her grayscale affliction in this episode thanks to a conversation between father and daughter. It was from a contaminated doll that Stannis bought from a Dornish wandering salesman. I’m not clear if the Dornish salesman was trying to kill her or not. Regardless, Stannis explains how he tried everything in his power to save his daughter’s life. He could have sent her away, but refused, because she is a princess and his daughter. For the first time in forever, his daughter doesn’t feel like a cast out monster. Stannis Baratheon, ladies and gentlemen. Father of the year.

Sansa is in the crypt under Winterfell. She lights a candle at the statue of her Aunt Lyanna. Littlefinger joins her. He says that she’s like her aunt Lyanna, in reference to being down here lighting the candles. This scene gives us a story that was somewhere in the first three books. It’s a story about a joust between Rhaegar Targarian and Ser Bariston Selmy at the end of a tourney. Rhaegar won the joust, and after he did, he rode past his wife and dropped a crown of roses on Lyanna’s lap instead of his own wife’s lap. At this point, Lyanna was already promised to Robert Baratheon. Sansa notes that after Rhaegar chose her aunt, he kidnapped her and raped her. But did he really? Kidnap her, that is? Or were Rhaegar and Lyanna having an affair? Did that affair produce an offspring? Is that offspring the man who everyone thinks is the bastard of Ned Stark?

Littlefinger tells Sansa he’s leaving. He’s being summoned to King’s Landing. He outlines for Sansa how to take down the Boltons. He doesn’t give her a step by step plan, but gives her enough to plot her revenge.

Bronn and Jaime row to shore in the cover of darkness. They hide their boat. In the morning, Jamie wakes to see Bronn throwing a knife at his head…wait, not at his head, but at the viper about to bite his head. As they eat cooked viper, Bronn notes, “That would have been a shit way to die.” Jamie gets the best line of the episode with “As far as I’m concerned, they’re all shit ways.” As they set off on foot, Bronn worries that the captain of the ship will sell them out. As they’re discussing this, four men on horseback approach them. Looks like Bronn was right. Bronn asks Jaime how man he can take. Jaime says, “One…if he’s slow.” Bronn tries to talk to men into letting them go, but they’re not having it. Bronn earns his keep by immediately killing three of the men. He leaves the last one for Jaime. Jamie doesn’t fare well in this sword fight until he manages to catch the Dornishman’s sword in his metal hand. I like this new move of his. But man, what was Bronn going to do if Jamie died here?

Somewhere else along the Dornish shore, a rider meets up with three warrior girls. The rider unmasks. It’s Slutty Princess Leia. These girls are Oberin’s daughters, Nim, Obarah and something I didn’t catch. They have Jamie’s ship’s captain buried in the sand up to his neck. Huh, it looks like those guys who found Jamie and Bronn did it on dumb luck since these girls have the captain. One of the daughters gives a speech about Oberin teaching her how to fight. She punctuates the story by hurling her spear with pinpoint accuracy through the captain’s head. Now that is how you finish a story! These girls are like the Wu-Tang Clan: they ain’t nothing to fuck with.

Tyrion wants Friend Zone to ungag him. He sings through his gag until Jorah is annoyed enough to take the gag off. Tyrion asks who he is, but Friend Zone is being cagey. Tyrion points out that they’re headed the wrong way. They’re going east, and Westeros is west. Friend Zone tells him that he’s not taking him to Cersei, but to Dany. Tyrion deduces Friend Zone’s identity based on his armor. He then deduces exactly how Friend Zone fell out of favor with Dany. Tyrion manages to do what Tyrion does best, which is get under people’s skins, so Friend Zone knocks him unconscious.

Ser Barry tells Dany a bit about her brother Rhaegar. The most important line in this story is when Ser Barry says, “Rhaegar never liked killing. He liked singing.” This doesn’t sound like a man who would kidnap and rape Lyanna Stark. Dario interrupts, the guy who wants the fighting pits reopened is there to meet with Dany.

While Dany meets with this guy, the Sons of the Harpy make their move. They are sneaking through the hidden catacombs of the city. They emerge in a market and start killing wantonly. When the Unsullied approach, a crying woman points which direction the Sons went. As the Unsullied give head in that direction, she stops crying.

The Unsullied are in an empty hallway. Sons of the Harpy appear from all sides, cutting them off. The two groups fight, and there are casualties on both sides. Lots of them. An Unsullied’s helmet is knocked off. It’s Grey Worm. Noooooo, do not kill Grey Worm! In another party of town, two Unsullied are ambushed by eight Songs of the Harpy. They kill the two Unsullied quickly and move on.

Ser Barriston hears the warming bells and sees people fleeing. Like a true hero, he walks towards the direction of the trouble.

Grey Worm is taking hits. He’s stabbed multiple times, but keeps fighting. All of the Unsullied that he is with are dead. He’s fighting like an injured bull, sloppily, but still dangerous. When it looks the bleakest for Grey Worm, Ser Barriston makes the save, cutting through the Sons. See Barriston is a beast! This guy was the oldest serving knight in King’s Landing before being sent away and he is plowing through the Sons of the Harpy like they are nothing. Dude is straight Jedi. It’s like watching Obi-Wan fight Darth Vader in Star Wars. This gives Grey Worm renewed hope, and he fights back. But the Sons are two much even for Ser Bariston. He’s stabbed in the leg by one Son and the back by another. Neither will live to tell the tale, as Ser Barriston dispatches them both. But a third Son gets the better of him and is about to slit his throat before Grey Worm saves Barry, killing that final Son of the Harpy. Grey Worm falls on Ser Barriston, trying to check on him, but Ser Barriston is unconscious, or dead, I’m not sure, and then Grey Worm immediately passes out in a pool of his own blood. Nooooooo! Are we losing Barry and Grey Worm in the same week?!? Come on, GRRM!