August 20, 2017 by Billy Henehan

Game of Thrones – S7E6 – Beyond the Wall

Some ground rules for those of you new to these recaps. I started recapping back in season 4. Back then, I hadn’t yet read the books and after three seasons of binging DVDs, I still couldn’t remember most everyone’s names, so I gave them nicknames. Can you blame me? Half the men in the North are white guys with black hair and beards. We’re now in season 7, I’ve read all the books, but the nicknames have stuck. I hope you don’t mind.

Westeros’s favorite boy band is marching north. Tormund calls Winterfell the south.Tormund is hilarious. He is stealing the Best Line title away from Bronn in this scene. When Gendry asks him how he keeps warm, he replies, “Walking’s good. Fighting’s better. Fucking’s best.” When it’s pointed out that there isn’t a woman within 100 miles of here, he coyly replies, “We’ll have to do with what we’ve got.” I LOVE TORMUND.

Gendry doesn’t appreciate being sold to Smokey Vajayjay by the Brotherhood. The Hound points out that Gendry didn’t die, so what’s he whinging about. I have no idea how to spell whinging, but it basically means whining.

Lots of good lines here. Jon tells Jorah he’s glad Ned Stark never caught him. Jorah smoothly replies, “Me too.”Jon gives Longclaw to Jorah. Jon’s the best. Jorah gives it back. Guys, one of you please keep that sword. It’s valyrian steel and you’re headed to the White Walkers.

Arya is casting shade on Sansa. She reads Sansa’s letter to Robb from when Sansa asked Robb to come to King’s Landing and bend the knee. Arya is basically calling Sansa Fredo. Sansa wants to know what Arya’s going to do with the letter. This isn’t going to end well.

Arya’s one arrow that she had to keep picking up and carry back her firing point story sounds like she’s telling Sansa her planned commencement address when she speaks to this year’s grads at Winterfell U.

Back to the North Boys. North Boyz? North Boyz. The Hound and Tormund are talking. Well, Tormund is talking and the Hound is doing everything he can to get out of the conversation, but it only eggs Tormund on further. Whoever wrote this episode loves Tormund. Tormund is like Drax from Guardians of the Galaxy. No subtlety. It’s great. And he gets another best line candidate when the Hound asks how a mad fucker like him has lived this long. Tormund’s reply: “I’m good at killing people”

Beric starts up a conversation with Jon.”You don’t look much like him, your father” Yeah, duh, because Ned isn’t his dad. The funny thing is that Catlyn always thought Jon did look like Ned. It was all she saw. But maybe that was her pain talking. Beric is a dumb name. I’m going back to calling him One Eye. When Jon quote the Night’s Watch creed of being shields defending the realms of men, One Eyes says, “Maybe that’s enough.” Maybe That’s Enough should be the title of North Boyz’s first single.

Dany tells Tyrion that she likes him because he’s not a hero. You’ve got a real way with words there, Dany. When Tyrion asks her to name some heroes, Dany only names people who are in love with her. Tyrion is quick to point that out. After Tyrion teases her about Jon, he second guesses her decision for killing the Tarleys again. Then he wants to know who gets the Iron Throne in case Dany dies. This isn’t going well with his boss. Boy, Tyrion just keeps getting poor performance reviews.

Back to the North Boyz. It is snowing! Who’s walking ahead? Why would anyone walk that far ahead? Dude’s like 20 feet ahead of everyone. Tormund spots a bear in the distance. Apparently, the lead guy doesn’t because he keeps walking after everyone stops. Gendry asks if bears have blue eyes. How the hell did Gendry see the color of the bear’s eyes in the snow at that distance? Welp, lead guy went down fast. He became a meal for the zombie bear. Who was that guy, anyway? North Boyz brought some extras. Should we call those guys the opening act? One Eye and Thoros light their swords on fire. Fire swords at the ready! If you’ve got metal swords that can ignite, why would you ever not have them ignited? Cue the angry fan boys in the comments with why I’m idiot and their swords igniting is a trick and I’m not a real fan and yadda yadda yadda.

After slicing into the zombie bear with fire swords, do you know what you get? Flaming zombie bear! Way to make the zombie bear scarier, Thoros and One Eye! Flaming zombie bear charges the Hound. The Hound freezes up. Thoros pushes him out of the way and gets a nasty flaming zombie bear bite as a reward. Tormund tries saving Thoros but is knocked back. Jorah charges in and stabs the flaming zombie bear with a dagger. Jorah’s arm catches fire. Arm on fire? No problem for Friendzone! Damn Jorah, why aren’t you this badass when Dany is watching?

Thoros is hurting. Jorash says to get him back to Eastwatch. Thoros won’t go. He just guzzles some wine or mead. One Eye cauterizes his wound and they keep moving.

Littlefinger and Sansa are meeting. Sansa is worried about Arya and that letter. Littlefinger has “no idea” how Arya got the letter. Wink. Wink. “No idea” “at all.” Nudge. Nudge. Sansa is worried that Arya will turn Jon’s army against her. Look at Littlefinger worming his way back in Sansa’s life. This fucking guy.

Oh damn. The North Boyz spot the dead army, who are marching single files. That’s quite the orderly formation, dead army. This really is like the worst plan ever. How do you cherry pick one zombie off that line without every other zombie coming after you?

A White Walker comes upon their fire. C’mon guys… Oh wait, ha, it’s a trap. Time to rumble! Jon slices through the White Walker and all the zombies go down with him. Whoa! They’re like vampires. Kill the vampires who made the made some vampires and they die too…depending on which vampire book you’re reading. (Cue the angry Anne Rice fans telling us “Well, here’s how vampires really are…”) Correction. All the zombies go down except one. They try to corral him. Tormund cold cocks him and the Hound jumps on him. The zombie screams like my toddler does when she wants milk. Jon’s like “Uh-oh, who heard that?” Hurry up and hogtie him cause there’s more where that came from! Jon’s tells Genrdry to run, get to Eastwatch and send a raven to Dany. Go! Tormund takes his hammer. “You’re faster without it.” Good point. Plus, it is a bitchin’ warhammer. They all run from the horde. Uh oh. The frozen lake is cracking. Uh oh. It’s all frozen lake in every direction. Oh hey, an undead horde is behind them! Hmm cracks or zombies? Run! Run! Run! Run. Damn, zombies are fast! Zombies are overtaking the North Boyz and flanking them. The Boyz get surrounded fast. Someone falls back. Who? Damn this is stressful. And now they’re surrounded. The ice cracks all around them. Zombies pour into the water like lemmings. The zombies realize going under isn’t the best plan and stop at the crack. Um…The zombies are like 10 deep now in every direction. Oh, they fucked.

Meanwhile, Gendry runs. Hopefully no one is behind him. Or in front of him. Gotta work on that cardio Gendry.

The Boyz are waiting it out. This isn’t looking good.

Gendry passes out practically at the door of Eastwatch! What the hell? Get up, Gendry!!!! Dude, you’re lik e 30 feet for the finish line. Davos runs out to him. Gendry says, “We need to send a raven.”

Jon and the Boyz are still waiting it out with their newest member, Growly. Hound kicks Growly. All the rest of the undead murmur. Interesting. It’s like The Walking Dead meet Tomax and Xamot. Thoros is dead. Uh, they gotta chop off his head or burn him. Hound takes his wine and starts swigging. Guys, he’s about to become a zombie. Jon finally says they have to burn his body and takes the wine from the Hound.

One Eye does his sword on fire trick and they burn Thoros. Man, that trick always looks cool. Jorah tells Jon that they’ll all freeze soon, and so will the water. He says this as he walks away from campfire Thoros. Jorah wants to go for the Walkers to kill the zombies. One Eye is like let’s just kill the Night King. Sure, that’s easy. Super easy.

Sansa gets an invitation to King’s Landing. She’s not a dope, so she’s not going. Sansa is sending Brienne instead. I’m suddenly torn between my shipping of Brienne and Tormund, and my shipping of Brienne and Jaime. Brienne says it’s not safe to leave Sansa with Littlefinger. Why is Sansa insisting on sending her away? Is it because she’s worried Brienne will take out Arya if Arya tries something?

Dany, Tyrion and the dragons. Dany’s about to fly off to save Jon. Because love. Tyrion doesn’t want her to go. It’s too risky. Bee tee dubs, cool White Walker jacket, Dany. Side note: it’s weird seeing someone not dressed in black this season. Dany’s flying with all three dragons. Oh boy. Dragon express!

…And more waiting up north. Have all of the opening act died yet? The Hound is bored. He starts a snowball fights with the zombie. They don’t play along. The next rock he throws falls short. It doesn’t break the ice.Uh oh. The zombies notice that too. One starts walking forward. Then another. And another. Additional side note: flaming swords are cool. Did I mention that five times already? Possibly. The battle begins and I am stressed. Stressed!

The Hound throws down his giant hammer to start hitting zombies with a small ax instead. Sounds like a solid plan there.

Tormund is being overrun like he’s in the Opening Act and not the North Boyz proper. John calls for everyone to fall back. No, no letting Tormund die! Tormund is being piled on by zombies. They’re crawling up through the ice and start dragging him down. The Hound saves him! Oh man, that was intense! The dead keep charging. Another extra dies and welp, he’s a zombie. Jon is pissed. This is quickly looking like the Alamo. Westeros’s favorite boy band fights in slo mo, because SLO MO IS COOL.

Dragon time! Oh yeah, get you a girl who does both! Zombies hit the water as the ice melts. There are so many zombies that the dragons are breathing a lot of fire and still not getting them all. Dany reaches for Jon, but Jon tries to save everyone else. He fights off the zombies while everyone climbs up on Drogon’s back. A White Walker hands the Night King an ice lance. He just straight walks up nonchalantly to the heroes from the sid, throws the ice lance and OH SHIT, DEAD DRAGON!! Oh fuck! Oh damn! Does that mean…zombie dragon? The dragon falls under the ice. Everyone is shocked.

Jon and the Night King stare each other down. The White Walker at the Night King’s side prepares another lance. Jon yells, “Go now! Leave” and fights off the zombies approaching Dany and company. Dany doesn’t want to leave. But she can’t lose another dragon. Jon’s tackled through the ice and under the water. Drogon takes off. The Night King narrowly misses this throw. Jorah falls off Drogon’s back, but is caught by Tormund. Nice to see he’s put the whole hating Jorah’s dad thing behind him.

Dany’s still in shock. Totally understandable. She just lost one of her kids. And one of her keys to winning back the Seven Kingdoms. Looks like fans can stop theorizing who is going to be riding the third dragon. Too soon?

Jon climbs out of the freezing water. Thankfully, Longclaw is still on the ice and not sunk at the bottom of this frozen lake. Also thankfully, the horde of zombies and their bosses have all started to depart. But then they notice him. Uh-oh. Jon’s in no condition to fight. Not like that will stop him. He’s half frozen and can barely lift his sword. But he stands his ground. All of a sudden, a rider with a flaming mace cuts through the zombies. It’s Uncle Benjen! He throws Jon on his horse and tells him to ride for the pass. Jon tells him to come with him, but Benjen says there’s no time. This is Benjen’s last stand. He’s quickly overtaken, but provides enough of a distraction for Jon to get away. Jon rides home near dead.

The rest of the North Boyz throw the captured zombie in a boat. The Hound is taking the zombie alone, it seems. Dany is watching her ~~three~~ two dragons from up high at Eastwatch. Jorah says it’s time to go. Dany wants to wait a bit longer. Then a horn blares. A rider is approaching! It’s Jon! Oh, Dany was looking for any signs of Jon when she was looking out from that tower. Where’s Ed Sheeran when you need him? Cue the acoustic guitar, Ser Teddy. Dany keeps vigil over a passed out Jon Snow.

Down south in Winterfell, Sansa snoops around Arya’s room. She finds Arya’s faces. Arya catches her. Hey Arya, that dead-eyed, monotone composure? Not the best way for talking to people who are already stressed out with you. Arya wants to play the Game of Faces with Sansa, meaning Arya wants to hit Sansa with a stick. Damn girls, you’re being played by Littlefinger! Arya explains the faces to Sansa and sounds 100% looney tunes while she’s doing it. She grabs a knife and says that she can even become Sansa. She’s really channeling Nic Cage’s “I want to take his face…off” speech from Face Off here. She flips the knife, gives it to Sansa by the handle and stalks off.

Jon wakes up to Dany standing over him. She’s back in black. Jon apologizes. He’s the reason one of her children is dead. Dany isn’t sorry. She needed to see the army of the dead, the White Walkers and the Night King to believe. Dany pledges that they’ll destroy the Night King and his army together. Jon thanks her, and calls her Dany. Apparently no one has called her Dany on this show since her brother and things didn’t end well for him. Yikes. No one show her this blog.

Jon calls ~~Dany~~ Danearys his queen. He’d bend the knee, but he’s not in the best shape right now. Dany is holding his hand during this. They both notice and it’s slightly awkward. Just kiss already, you fools!

The Night King’s army reenact the opening scene of the Les Miserables movie and use giant, heavy chains to pull out the dragon from the icy depths! The Night King touches the dragon on its head. The dragon blinks its eyes open and they turn icy blue. Zombie Dragon! AHHHHHH! To quote Bronn at the beginning of the last episode, “We’re fucked.”

August 20, 2017 by Billy Henehan

Game of Thrones – S7E5 – Eastwatch

I like that they’re not putting much text in the synopsis on HBO GO. Not that I’d read it anyway, but it’s nice that they’re not trying to spoil things as I’m about to watch the episode. There are few things worse than accidentally reading too much synopsis info before you watch an episode for the first time. Okay, there are many things worse than that, but I’m just not a fan of spoilery synopsises.

Ooh, the title is Eastwatch. That’s the weak point in The Wall, right? We’re about to see Redbeard go to town against some White Walkers, aren’t we? I certainly hope so.

I’ve spent most of the past week telling people that I really hope Jaime doesn’t die. I know that the Lannisters are one of the bad guys on this show, but Jaime has joined Tyrion as likable Lannisters. Sure, he was a shit in season one, but a lot has changed since then. Yes, yes, he’s still banging his sister, I never said he was perfect.

Bronn lives! Jaime lives! Yayyy! Remember, you can’t spell Bronn without bro. Bronn is the best. Oh, Jaime was aiming for Dany last episode, not Drogon? For some reason, I thought Jaime was trying to shove a spear down the dragon’s throat. When Jaime says I have to tell Cersei about the dragons, Bronn says you may as well jump back in that river. Best Line Bronn strikes again!

Tyrion inspects the charred remains of the battlefield. Dothraki are scavenging. They’ve taken some prisoners too. People survived that attack who weren’t named Jaime or Bronn? I’m amazed. Damn, Drogon is big. I mean huge. Dany offers the captured men the option of bending a knee and living, or dying. At first not many do, but after one roar from Drogon, only a handful, including Lord Randyll Tarley and Dickon/Rickon. Dickon chooses to die alongside his father. Tyrion tries talking Dany out of killing both father and son. Um, Tyrion, why are you second guessing your boss in front of everyone? Would you do this if she was a man? The Tyrells both burn. After that, everyone bends the knee.

Jaime fills in Cersei on what happened. Jaime’s like “We’rrrreee fuckkkkkked.” Jaime also tells Cersei about Olenna’s confession. She doesn’t believe him at first, but when she does, she agrees with me from last week, Olenna should have died a bloody death after making that revelation.

Jon comes face to face with Drogon. Drogon comes screaming at Jon and gets up in his face. Jon reaches out a hand and pets Drogon. Dany looks like she’s in love. It just occured to me that Dany talks about her dragons being her children the same way that crazy cat ladies refer to their cats.

Jon and Dany are interrupted by the return of Friendzone! Dany calls him a friend twice in two minutes. Friendzone looks good. Dany gives him a friendly hug which he totally takes the wrong way. Classic Friendzone.

Bran is looking at the world through the eyes of ravens flying north. They fly to The Wall, and past it. They fly over the army of the dead. It’s like The Walking Dead meets D&D. The Night King stares at the ravens and they all break formation, knocking Bran out of his vision.

Down in Maestertown, the maesters are discussing Bran’s letter about the army of the dead. They’re quick to dismiss it. The maesters suck. They’re quick to dismiss everything. They are written like the classic stereotype of academics being stuck in their ivory towers not experiencing life out in the real world. They’re great at bureaucracy.

Tyrion and Varys are in agreement, neither is a fan of the burning Dany just did. Varys is doing a good job of filling Tyrion’s mind with doubts about Dany. What’s his angle?

Jon gets a scroll letting him know that Arya and Bran are alive and that the army of the dead is marching on Eastwatch. Tyrion suggests capturing a member of the dead army and bringing it to Cersei. They’re trying to figure out how to get one, and Friendzone is like, “I got this.” Friendzone totally sees the way Dany is looking at Jon. Bold move, FZ.

Up in Winterfell, all the lords are already willing to turn their backs on Jon and support Sansa. Meanwhile, Arya has become such a weird, little psycho. I remember when she was one of my favorites. That was the case all the way through last season. Now that she’s back in Winterfell, she comes across like a stalkery psychopath. She’s also a little too weirded out about Sansa taking mom and dad’s room at Winterfell.

Davos and Tyrion sneak into King’s Landing. Wait, aren’t they doing this out of order? Shouldn’t they have the zombie soldier first and then sneak into King’s Landing.

Bronn facilitates a meeting between Jaime and Tyrion. Good thing you saved Jaime’s life at the beginning of this episode, Bronn.

Davos heads to Fleabottom, the Tenderloin of King’s Landing. Who’s that faceless swordmaker? Could it be? It is! Gendry! Davos wants to grab Gendry. Gendry has a badass warhammer and is ready to roll. Uh oh, soldiers spot them as they’re about to get in their boat. This is Davos at this best. When Davos is in smuggler mode, he turns into Lando Calrissian. Fermented crab! I love it! The gold cloaks spot Tyrion making his way back. When the men are dead set on not taking any more bribes, Gendry introduces them to his warhammer. It’s a quick and final introduction.

Qyburn is on his way out of Cersei’s chambers when Jaime approaches. Jaime tells Cersei about meeting with Tyrion. It’s met with silence. Which is met with more silence. Cersei already knew about his meeting with Tyrion. Nothing escapes this queen’s notice in King’s Landing anymore. Cersei wants Jaime to punish Bronn for letting this meeting happen. Sure, it’s not like Bronn just saved Jaime’s life at the start of this episode. Cersei then tells Jaime she’s preggers. She says she’s going to tell everyone it’s Jaime’s. They kiss. Gross. Not just because they’re brother and sister.

Davos is all like “Don’t tell anyone your name. Don’t tell anyone who you dad is.” to Gendry. Gendry’s like “okay,” and then immediately tells Jon who he is. Gendry wants to go north with Jon.

Tyrion trolls Jorah for a bit.I missed these two together.

When Dany looks at Jon, she looks like she’s listening to an Ed Sheeran song. Why isn’t Ed in the boat strumming an acoustic guitar for this scene??

It’s been so long since we’ve seen Sam’s girlfriend that I don’t even remember her name. She asks Sam what an annulment is and then drops a knowledge bomb on Sam and all of us! Rhaegar got an annulment and immediately remarried! Sam completely doest not a hear a words she’s saying because he’s seething at the bureaucracy of the maesters. He goes out and steals a bunch of books and scrolls from the library. Such a bad boy that Sam. Sam, Gilly, (! That’s her name! Took me a minute…) and Gilly’s son ride out of town. Sam says he tired of reading about the achievements of better men. Yeahhh, Sam!

Littlefinger is paying some lady for information. Arya is fully bathed in light as she spies on him, but when he looks, she’s gone. She follows him all over the city, not doing the best job at trying to stay hidden. But stay hidden she does. Arya breaks into Littlefinger’s room. She finds a scroll that Littlefinger hid in his mattress. It’s that letter that Sansa wrote to Robb at Cersei’s behest. Oh, you just got played, Arya. Littlefinger wanted you to find it!

Yay, Tormund is back! Tormund brings Jon and friends to a cell where The Hound, Beric and Thoros are sitting. They also want to go north of the wall. Problem: Grendy hates Beric. Redbeard doesn’t like Jorah for being a Mormont. They venture north. It’s like Game of Thrones, Reservoir Dogs, Magnificent Seven, and the Backstreet Boys all mashed up into one! It’s the Game of Thrones Dream Team! It’s the North Boyz!

August 8, 2017 by Billy Henehan

Game of Thrones – S7E4 – The Spoils of War

As the episode begins, the Lannister army on the march. Man, talk about a literal reversal in fortune for the Lannisters over the last few episodes. They were on what seemed like the losing side of the war and were basically being foreclosed on by the Iron Bank. Now, they’ve taken out some of Dany’s top allies and are marching caravan full of gold back to King’s Landing. For his part in all this, Bronn gets paid with a big bag of gold. It’s not enough for him. Bronn wants a castle. Bronn was promised a castle. He specifically wants Highgarden. Jaime tries to talk him out of it, saying that Highgarden is too hard to defend and Bronn could lose it to Dany within a week of them giving it to him. He preaches patience to Bronn – wait until the end of the war, and he’ll have his pick of castles.

Tycho, the creepy looking dude from the Iron Bank, is excited. He compares Cersei to her father for the second time in as many episodes. The Iron Bank just got paid in full and they’re eager to re-up Cersei. Well, just as soon as the gold gets delivered. That’s not foreshadowing at all. What could possibly go wrong with the gold train? Also, did the Game of Thrones casting director not realize that Ian McDiarmid is still alive? Why cast a guy who kinda looks like the Emperor from Star Wars when you can cast the actual Emperor?

Up in Winterfell, Littlefinger gives Bran that knife from season one that belonged to Tyrion, the one that was used in the failed assassination attempt. This is Littlefinger’s dagger, right? I mean, it was originally Tyrion’s, but then it was stolen and we all agree Littlefinger was behind the assassin, right? Or am I misremembering something? Littlefinger say, “I imagine you’ve seen things most men wouldn’t believe.” Bran replies, “Chaos is a ladder,” referencing back to a Littlefinger line from back in season 3. Litterfinger actually gets quiet. I like this parlor trick of Bran’s. “Hey watch while I tell you something about which there’s no possible way I should know.” Bran denies being Lord Stark when Littlefinger calls him that. This is just like when Prince stopped wanting to be called Prince. Just like it.

Frog Girl is leaving. She wants to be with her family when the army of the dead arrives. Talk about a downer. She wants Bran to say that he needs her. But Bran’s the Three Eyed Raven now and has all the people skills of Sheldon from The Big Bang Theory.

Arya rides to Winterfell. The guards don’t believe she’s who she says she is and tell her to be on her way. Arya persists and points out to the guards that if she is who she says she is and Sansa finds out they turned her away, they’ll be in trouble. While the two bonehead guards are trying to figure out who should tell Sansa, Arya sneaks off. Sansa and Arya reunite in the crypts by the statue of their dead dad. Arya asks, “Do I have to call you Lady Stark now?” Sansa responds, “Yes.” Man, post-Joffrey Sansa is great. Remember when she was the worst? She hasn’t had as extreme a likability arch as Jaime has had, but she’s definitely so much better now than she was in season one. Wow, Sansa really towers over Arya. Has Arya grown since season one? Brann, Sansa and Arya reunite. All that’s missing in Jon Snow to make this Stark family reunion complete. Bran gives Arya the dagger. It’s Valerian steel. I’m willing to bet dollars to doughnuts that she knifes Littlefinger with it.

Missandei is talking to Dany. Missandei is worried that there hasn’t been any word from the Unsullied. Dany is wondering why Missandei is worried about Grey Worm so much right now. Dany asks, “What happened?” To which Missandei replies, “Many things.” I was hoping Emelia Clarke would break character and just let out an “Awwwww yeah! Boom chicka bow bow.” No dice. Before that can happen, Jon interrupts them. Jon found the dragonglass! That’s a lot of dragonglass. He also shows Dany all these zany hieroglyphics that the Children of the Forest made. Jon, come on, you drew these. Jon then gives Dany Jack’s “Live together, die alone” speech from Lost. Dany wants Jon to bend the knee first. Just kiss her, you fool! What? Dany’s parents were brother and sister. And so were her grandparents. Aunt-nephew is better than that, right? Right?

Tyrion lets Dany know they took Casterly Rock. He’s not excited. He fills her in on what happened at the end of the last episode. I feel like I wrote that sentence last week too. Dany is starting to doubt Tyrion’s commitment to her cause, toying with the idea that he’s more loyal to his family. Tyrion is getting a poor rating from his manager. That’s mad! Just like your dad! Don’t say that to her. Dany wants to fly the dragons right to the Red Keep and just burn the place. She asks Jon for advice. Jon tells Dany basically to Think Different. Thanks, Steve Jobs.

Pod and Brienne are training. Arya stops by to say hi. Arya wants to train with Brienne, because Brienne beat the Hound. Holy cow, Arya is X-23 from Logan. Littlefinger is with Sansa on the catwalk above and just keeps looking at her like, “Your sister, what a weirdo, right?” Someone please stab Littlefinger.

Jon, Davos and Missandei are talking. Missandei doesn’t understand how Jon’s a bastard. She explains, “We don’t have marriage in Naath, so the concept of a bastard doesn’t exist.” She goes on to say that she and the rest of Dany’s army don’t care whose daughter she is. “She’s the queen we chose” She’s so compelling that Davos asks Jon, “Would you forgive me if I switch sides?”

Theon shows up in the one Greyjoy ship left. That’s a sad sight. Jon and Theon reunite! Oh wait, Jon ain’t happy to see Theon. Oh right, Jon knows all about Theon taking Winterfell and thinks that Theon killed Bran and Rickon. Theon’s lucky Jon doesn’t stab him right there. Though maybe that’s what would make Theon happy at this point.

Bronn, Jaime and the Tarleys are leading the gold march from Highgarden to King’s Landing. Bronn is such a lovable asshole. Jaime confuses Tarley’s son’s name, calling him Rickon when it should be Dickon. Bronn finds this and the name Dickon funny and lets it be known how funny he finds it. God, I love Bronn. Please don’t kill him. Bronn gets the best line of the episode when he tells Rickon/Dickon “Didn’t they teach you that at Fancy Lad School?”

Uh oh. What’s that noise. Uh oh. Dany coming. Dothraki are on the move. Bronn wants Jaime to get out of there. Jaime’s all for staying. Then Drogan shows up and you can almost see Jaime shit himself. Dany roasts a bunch of Lannisters. The Dothradki ride through the flame. Oh man, this is one sided. Please don’t kill Bronn. This fight is very Warhammery. Some of you know exactly what I mean. Dickon saves Jaime. Bronn gets knocked off his horse and loses his bag of gold. Don’t go for the money, Bronn! Dead men go for the money! Bronn fights his way to the Scorpion. Don’t die. don’t die. Don’t die. Bronn loads the Scorpion.

Whoa, Tyrion is at this battle too? Tyrion spots Jaime. Dany comes in for a final pass by. Everyone is basically burned except for Bronn and Jaime. Bronn fire and misses. Bronn reloads. Bronn with the direct hit. Dany’s going down. Uh oh for Bronn and Jaime, Drogon’s okay. Drogon somehow doesn’t kill Bronn when he burns the Scorpion.

Jaime grabs a spear and charges Dany. Tyrion and I both are telling Jaime not to do it. Just as Drogan is about to roast Jaime, Bronn saves Jaime by jumping off his horse and tackling Jaime into the water. But Jaime’s got a solid metal hand and is wearing full armor. He sinks like a stone. The screen goes black and everyone in my apartment literally says “Ugggghhhhhhhhhhhhh!”

Anyone else thing the Cinematographer on Game of Thrones just watched Get Out? Jaime looks like he was just hypnotized by Catherine Keener.

August 8, 2017 by Billy Henehan

Game of Thrones – S7E3 – The Queen’s Justice

Immediately when I’m loading up this episode, I’m thinking about the title. The Queen’s Justice. Which queen is it referring to? Cersei? Dany? Sansa? All of them?

Davos and Jon Snow come ashore at Dragonstone to start the episode. Tyrion and Missendei meet them. As Jon and Davos are being escorted up to Dany, Dragon does flyby. Jon and Davos are understandably shaken.

Smoky Vajayjay is watching Jon from a distance as he climbs the steps of Dragonstone. She’s bouncing. That makes sense, considering that both Davos and Jon said they’d kill her if they saw her again. It’s interesting seeing Vajayjay admit she made terrible mistakes. Then she gets all ominous and says to Varys, “I have to die in this strange country. Just like you.” Sidebar for a second: Is it me or did Varys get tan, a little too tan, between seasons? He looks much darker than he did at the end of last season. Dragonstone looks like it’s Wales. How is anyone getting a tan there?

Finally, Dany and Jon meet. This is the moment we’ve been waiting for since the posters went up around town with both of them on it. It’s tense. Dany’s getting a lot of pent up anger off her chest. She’s got a chip on her shoulder for the Starks. Dany wants Jon to bend the knee and pledge his men in her fight against Cersei. Jon’s like, “Ummm, we’ve got bigger problems. Bee tee dubs, can I borrow a dragon?”

Varys interrupts and fills in Dany on what happened at the end of last episode with the Greyjoys. Ruh-roh.

Speaking of which, let’s cut to wreckage that was Asha’s fleet. Hey, Theon lives! He’s hauled up onto a boat. He tells the Iron Islanders on the boat that Euron took Asha and he tried to save her. It’s immediately pointed out that if Theon really tried to save her, he wouldn’t be alive right now. Oooh, sick burn.

Down in King’s Landing, Uncle Euron parades the Sand Snakes, Asha, and Slutty Princess Leia through the streets. All the city comes out for the parade. Euron is eating it up. Asha and company are spat upon and have rotting food thrown their way. They’re all brought before Cersei in her throne room. You can almost see the exact moment when Jaime realizes he’s now #2 in Cersei’s eyes. I look forward to Jaime killing Euron. Man, the Mountain looks like the Destroyer from Thor.

Euron wants Cersei’s hand in marriage as his prize. Cersei says she’ll marry Euron after the war is won. That’s good enough for Euron, who sidles up next to Jaime and asks, “Does she like it gentle or rough? A finger in the bum?” Oh man, Euron! That’s effed up. I kind of wish this episode was titled, A Finger in the Bum?

Ellaria Sand is locked up in a dungeon across from her daughter, I forget which one. I think it’s Dagger. It’s impossible for me to remember the Sand Snakes names. It’s the cuter of the three if that helps. Cersei tells Ellaria, “You can’t imagine how that feels unless you’ve lost your own child.” Uh-oh. Cersei plants a kiss on Ellaria’s daughter, poisoning her the same way Ellaria poisoned Myrcella. Cersei tells Ellaria she’s going to watch her daughter die, then watch her daughter rot. That’s effed up. I’m stating to think Cersei and Euron are really made for each other. That’s cool with me. It frees Jaime up to bro it up around Westeros with Bronn. Remember kids, you can’t spell Bronn without bro!

I’m not saying Cersei blows Jaime in this next scene because Cersei wants Jaime to do something. But I’m not not saying that either. Cersei lets a page in without hiding Jaime post-coitus. Damn, Cersei is brazen. She doesn’t care who sees them as sibling-fuckers. She’s got the Iron Throne now.

Cersei meets some dude from the Iron Bank. He has all the charm of Emperor Palpatine. He’s there to let her know that Iron Bank isn’t going to be lending them any more money and that Dany looks like the better horse to bet on in this race. Like any deadbeat, Cersei tells the banker to give her two more weeks. I’m sure he’s heard that before.

Remember when Sansa was the worst? Not anymore. She’s bossing like a boss in Winterfell. She immediately recognizes that Winterfell doesn’t have enough food to last more than a year, and since winters in Westoros can go on much longer than that, and they made me under siege by the army of the dead at some point in the near future, she’s coming up with solutions. She needs more food brought to Winterfell now. While Sansa is dealing with this, Bran shows up at the gate! Stark reunion! I was hoping for Arya, but still, this is great. Sansa tells Bran he’s Lord of Winterfell now. Bran says he can’t be the Lord of Winterfell, he’s the Three Eeyed Raven. Ugh, right, that’s why I hate Bran storylines.

Friend Zone is being inspected. He looks a bit better. He’s no longer infectious. Sam takes a two handed handshake from Jorah. Ballsy, Sam. This dude was a stone leper yesterday.

Sam gets balled out by the Maester he reports to. Yes, Sam saved Jorah, but he could have caused a mass infection of their whole area. But the Maester likes Sam’s moxie. He’s impressed that Sam was able to do what he did. Sam downplays it, basically saying he just took his time. Classic Sam: do the unthinkable and play it down. Sam’s reward is being turned into a human copying machine. The maester explains that while he might be impressed by Sam’s work, Sam still broke the rules.

Dany wants to send the dragons after Euron. Missandei isn’t so sure. She asks, “What will they face?” Varys says it’s “A difficult situation.” Then Dave Matthews chimed in with: “A difficult time..two many choices.” Just kidding. No Dave Matthews appearance today. Ed Sheeran: 1, Dave Matthews: 0.

Tyrion narrates over the Unsullied’s battle at Casterly Rock. This is shot really cool, first with Tyrion saying how it would be expected to go down, with Casterly Rock being impregnable, even to the Unsullied. It ends bad. But then Tyrion reveals that his father put him in charge of designing the sewer system in Casterly Rock, a task Tyrion used to make sure there were ways he could sneak whores in and out of the city. The Unsullied use Tyrion’s whore-holes around the city and catch the guards unaware. They take Casterly Rock easily! Maybe too easily. Greyworm is wondering where the other Lannister soldiers are. Uh oh. Eurons’s ships arrive at Casterly Rock and immediately work on sinking the Unsullied’s rides.

Where are the rest of the Lannisters? They’re marching on Highgarden. Sneaky play, Jaime. Oh hey, it’s Bronn! I hope he lives. Let’s make a deal, Game of Thrones. No killing Bronn. Grandma looks out from her tower over the invading Lannister army. Wow, that’s a high tower she’s watching from. Jaime takes Grandma’s castle so quickly, it happened between scene cuts. Jaime offers Grandma mercy, pouring her a poisoned glass of wine. She won’t suffer. Grandma brings up Joffrey, “He really was a cunt, wasn’t he?” Grandma admits to poisoning Joffrey after she drinks Jaime’s poison. And then tells him, “Tell Cersei. I want her to know it was me.” I thought Jaime was going to decapitate her right there. Nope, he just storms out. Seriously, what’s the point of showing Grandma mercy now, after she admitted to poisoning your son? Jaime should have sent her on a “Bran’s leap” out the tower window.

Welp, there’s no confusing which queen title was referring to, is there?

July 31, 2017 by Billy Henehan

Game of Thrones – S7E2 – Stormborn – Recap

It’s raining hard in Dragonstone. Dany’s holding a war meeting with all of her major allies. That’s a major theme of this episode: meetings. Lots of medieval people sitting around conference room tables in this episode. Dany calls Varys out on his lifelong bullshit. Varys tries to make himself come across like a man of the people. His sounds about as convincing as Donald Trump (so…really convincing for some of you and really not convincing for the rest of you?). Smokey Vajayjay visits Dany. She wants Dany to team up with Jon Snow. Tyrion thinks it’s a good idea. Dany’s down for the idea, but wants Jon to bend the knee. Every Queen wants Jon to bend the knee. Oh yeah, this is going to end well.

Ravens travel fast, fast enough to arrive in time for the next scene. Up north, Sansa is worried that the raven from Tyrion is an invitation into a trap. Jon hears what she’s saying, but Dany has dragons and Jon needs a dragon to fight the zombies.

Down in King’s Landing, Cersei is holding her own meeting with her lieutenants. She only refers to Dany as the Mad King’s Daughter. It’s like her version of “Crooked Hilary.” There are far fewer lords in this meeting hall than we’ve seen in previous calls from the crown. Creepy Hand says he has a solution to Dany’s dragons. After the meeting, Jaimie offers Lord Tarly a head generalship to ensure his loyalty. Tarley explains he’s sworn fealty to the Tyrells. If you have “drink when someone makes a sideways comment to Jaime about killing the former king” on your bingo card, it’s time to line up another shot.

At the Citadel, Friend Zone ain’t looking too good. That maester that Sam is interning for isn’t too subtle when he hints that Jorah should kill himself.

Creepy Hand and Cersei are checking out the dragon skeletons in the basement of the castle. Creepy Hand shows off the giant crossbows he’s making to fight the dragons. The giant crossbow bolt shatters the skull of the largest dragon skull in the basement.

Dany’s holding another meeting. So many meetings. This episode should have been called, “Meetings, Right?” Ellaria and the Greyjoys want to storm King’s Landing. Tyrion thinks it’s a bad play. Dany sides with Tyrion, even quoting a line he told her earlier in the episode, saying “I’m not here to be queen of ashes.”Tyrion reveals his plans. He wants the armies of Tyrells , Greyjoys and Dorne to lay siege to King’s Landing. Oh hey, Grandma is here too. She’s not keen on her people being used to lay siege to King’s Landing while the Unsullied sit on their thumbs. That’s when Tyrion reveals what he has in mind for the Unsullied. They’re going to take his family home of Casterly Rock and the gold inside it.

After the meeting, Dany and Grandma have a mini-meeting. Grandma tells her, “The lords in Westeros are sheep. Are you a sheep? No. Be a ~~wolf~~ dragon.” Man, the writers of season seven really love Training Day. That’s two episodes in a row that reminded me of this scene.

Back at Dragonstone, Missandei walks in on Grey Worm. I forgot these two were an item. Oh hey, breasts. I feel like we haven’t seen those in a while. Remember when this show was naked people like every other scene? When Grey Worm is telling Missandei how he feels about her, I keep expecting him to say “I am just a Grey Worm standing in front of a girl asking her to love him.” Missandei strips him, but he stops her. He’s a never nude. His full name is Tobias Funkgrey. But Missandei (and her nakedness) convinces him. They straight up kiss butt-ass naked with the door open. Hey guys, maybe close that door? Greyworm mounts her. Umm, that door still is open. You know Varys likes to watch. And then Greyworm heads south. More like Wormtongue, am I right? New nickname!

Sam the Intern says he found a possible cure for Friend Zone’s greyscale. Unfortunately, the cure is now forbidden. Like that’s going to stop Mr. Sam “I do forbidden things” Tarley.

Friend Zone is writing his suicide note when Sam shows up, ready to do the forbidden. Sam pulls out the cure recipe from his ancient textbook. It would suck if the pages are stuck together like when Rachel tried making that multilayered trifle on Thanksgiving on that episode of Friends.

Sam cuts off some greyscale. Jorah looks like burnt meat. Don’t look, Jorah.

The greyscale looks like chicken pot pie. Oh wait, that is chicken pot pie. Arya is in a pub. Oh hey, it’s Hot Pie! When was the last time we saw him? Hot Pie tells her about Jon being King in the North. Arya hops on her horse and heads north. Cersei will have to wait.

Jon’s maester brings a reaven from Sam. Dragonstone sits on a mountain of dragonglass. Looks like Jon is headed to Dragonstone. Everyone wants him to stay. Jon’s leaving Sansa in charge. All of a sudden, Sansa looks like, “well in that case, say hi to my husband Tyrion for me!” Littlefinger looks downright giddy about being left up in Winterfell with Sansa without Jon hovering around.

Littlefinger sees Jon off before he goes, because that’s just a Littlefinger thing to do. Guy can’t leave well enough alone. Jon isn’t having any bullshit from Littlefinger and immediately gets all big brother when he announces, “Touch my sister and I’ll kill you myself.”

In the woods, Arya’s horse is spooked. Wolves, a bunch of them, are what’s causing it. Leading the wolves is a giant wolf, you know, a dire wolf. It’s Nymeria, Arya’s long-lost wolf from season one! Arya wants Nymeria to come north with her. Nymeria slinks off. Arya’s hurt, but understands.

On the Greyjoy’s ship, Asha and Slutty Princess Leia are about to get it on. SLP wants Theon to join in. But before you can say brother/sister threesome that would make Cersei and Jaime proud, Euron attacks. Oh boy, does Euron attack. Euron looks like a poor man’s Liev Schreiber. Euron takes out Spear and Whip and then quickly has a knife to Asha’s throat. The only one who can save her in Theon. Unfortunately, Theon turns to Reek at that moment and jumps overboard. Euron laughs and sails off, leaving Theon surrounded by the broken ships of his sister’s fleet.

No Ed Sheeran sighting this episode. Maybe next time, Ed.

July 19, 2017 by Billy Henehan

Game of Thrones: S7E1 – Dragonstone

Game of Thrones is back! And so are my recaps! Some ground rules for those of you new to these recaps of mine. I started out as someone who didn’t read the books. And because there are so many characters, many of who look alike, I’ve given a lot of them nicknames to keep them straight. Despite years of watching (and rewatching this show), and now having now read the books, I still find myself using my nicknames. It doesn’t help that the break between seasons was long enough for me to forget some of the lesser characters names. But enough about that, on with the recap!

Previously on Game of Thrones: Cersei killed everyone. Seriously, everyone. RIP Queen Low Cut. Your reign was cut as short as your tops.

The episode starts off with Walder Frey and I’m immediately confused. Didn’t Arya kill him? Ohhhh, wait, this is Arya isn’t it. My favorite part of Arya’s speech was when she said, “Leave one wolf alive and the sheep are never safe.” Arya strikes me a big Training Day fan. King Kong doesn’t have shit on Arya. Ooooh and she smiled aas she walked out of the room. Arya has basically cemented herself as the most bad ass character on Game of Thrones.

As a side note, I love when actors have to play two roles at the same time. David Bradley does a great job playing Arya playing Walder. It reminds me of Nicholas Cage and John Travolta in Face Off.

I love watching the credits during the first episode of the new season. It’s like a game of “spot the new stuff.” Old Town is definitely new in the credits, right? I had no idea what that place was. I assumed it was Dany’s new HQ, but realized later in the episode it’s where Sam is hanging out.

The episode starts out with a long shot of a snowy field. It’s like minutes and minutes of “Hey look. It’s winter.” The Night King slowly rides towards the camera. Maybe it’s that I just saw the Bill Viola Electronic Renaissance exhibit in Florence, but this shot reminded me a lot of Viola’s The Crossing. That’s right, sometimes I go highbrow.

He’s followed by his Night Lieutentants on horseback, followed by a horde of walking dead. This march seems like an accidental tribute to Dawn of the Dead director George A. Romero, who passed away the same day this episode aired. RIP George A. Romero.

We cut to Bran, who is being dragged through the snow by Frog Girl. This is shot very much like Luke entering Jabba’s Palace in Return of the Jedi. Jon’s pals aren’t sure if they believe it’s really Brandon Stark until Bran pulls some Miss Cleo voodoo on them and tells them about themselves from stuff he’s seen when he’s the raven. It’s weird. Ugh. Bran is easily my the least favorite Stark. Bran at the Wall. Wow, the Wall is covered in white. Winter is here.

Jon’s holding a meeting. He wants dragon glass. And he wants women to fight as well. This is met with some resistance. Look guys, the future is female. Jon wants the Free Folk to defend Eastwatch By The Sea. Readbeard has a great line where he says, “Looks like we’re the night’s watch now.” I love you, Redbeard.

We see the first rift between Sansa and Jon. Sansa wants the anyone who sided with Ramsey stripped of their lands. Jon’s being a little more forgiving. Hey guys, maybe not in front of the whole assembly? Meanwhile, Littlefinger is all Kermit drinking Lipton tea watching this go down.

Jon calls on Lord Umber and Alys Karstark. They’re the heirs of their family lands and people. They’re also kids! Jon doesn’t care. He asks for their loyalty, and these kids whip out their swords and pledge it to him.

Sansa warns Jon not be dumb like Ned and Robb. She makes a line about them both losing their heads that’s both literal and figurative. Remember when Sansa was the worst? So much has changed over the years! Despite their disagreement, Sansa thinks Jon’s a good leader and good at ruling. Jon gets a raven from Cersei demanding he comes to King’s Landing to bend a knee. Jon’s like “Whatever. She’s 1,000 miles away and I’ve got a Night King to worry about.” Sansa warns him not to underestimate the new queen.

Down in King’s Landing, Cersei is overseeing Michelangelo as he paints the Westerosi version of the Sistine Chapel. It’s a map of her kingdom. When Jaime enters the room, Michelangelo takes his leave to go work on his statue of David. Cersei points out on the map where all their enemies are. TL; DR: their enemies are in every direction. Wait, Cersei still blames Tyrion for Joffrey’s death? She never figured out it was really Princess Low Cut’s grandma. Huh, I didn’t realize that. Jaime gets in some good points, saying “Right now, we look like the losing side.” When Cersei says she’s Queen of the Seven Kingdoms, Jaime counters with “Three kingdoms at best.”

Euron pays a visit. He looks like he should be the new lead singer of Drive Shaft. Is everyone dressed in black? Even the Mountain has a new black armor. I get Cersei and Jaime being dressed in black; they’re mourning. But even the king’s queen’s guard? Their armor wasn’t black after Joffrey’s death. Is this because of that giant “accident” that caused everyone in Baelor’s Sept to die at the end of last season? #610insidejob #cerseididit

Euron proposes to Cersei, but she turns him down. He says he’s going to return for her with a priceless gift. Priceless gift? Who’s Euron hunting? Tyrion?

Sam at the library is the library in Oldtown. Oh wow, this is some montage. R Kelly interns have it better than Sam. This is literally the shittiest montage ever. Someone please make a gif of this sam montage. I want Sam’s gagging noise as my new ringtone.

Sam wants access to the forbidden section of the library. While one of the maesters does believe his story about seeing White Walkers, he still won’t give Sam access to the forbidden section. The old maester says “The Wall has stood through it all,” which immediately makes me think The Wall is going to crumble by the end of this episode.

Brienne and Redbeard are my favorite couple on this whole show. Ever. I would totally watch a Brienne and Tormund sitcom.

What! Ed Sheeran! Holy shit! Forget what I said. I’m now shipping Arya and Ed. The soldiers are surprisingly good to Arya. It disarms her. Arya’s like “I really want to kill you guys but you’re being really nice to me.” Even in Westeros, Ed Sheeran makes all the white girls panties drop.

Throwback to the time I was a Lannister

A post shared by Ed Sheeran (@teddysphotos) on Jul 16, 2017 at 7:09pm PDT

I’m hoping for a TSwizzle cameo next week.

Sup

A post shared by Ed Sheeran (@teddysphotos) on Jul 18, 2017 at 4:24pm PDT

The Hound and Robin Hood. They ride up to the house where Arya left The Hound. Stopping by the house where he knifed that guy and left him for dead over some silver is bringing up bad memories for The Hound. I like that The Hound finally has a heart. The Hound looks into the flames. He’s asked what he sees. He does not see Sirius Black. He has a vision in the flame. The dead are going to pour through Eastwatch by the Sea. The Hound stays up late burying the people he killed. He even says he’s sorry they’re dead and they deserve better. Awww, good Hound. Good Hound.

Big up @maisie_williams

A post shared by Ed Sheeran (@teddysphotos) on Jul 18, 2017 at 12:53pm PDT

Sam is reading his book from the forbidden section. He reads that there is a mountain of dragon glass under Dragonstone. He writes Jon. Well, now we know how Dany and Jon are going to meet.

First time @itsbennyblanco has seen an episode, here’s his review

A post shared by Ed Sheeran (@teddysphotos) on Jul 16, 2017 at 7:38pm PDT

Sam is walking down a hall. A zombified hand bolts out of a window at him. The person on the other end of that lepor hand speaks. It’s Friend Zone! He asks about Dany. Sam’s all, “can you put that gross hand back in your room, please?”

Dany lands at Dragonstone. She’s also in black. As are Tyrion and all of Dany’s men too. The only people not in black in this episode are at the Citadel. And the Eunuch. He’s in brown. What’s with black being the new hot color in all of Westeros?

Dany takes Dragonstone. “Finally! The Khaleesi has returned to Westoros!” With everyone gathered around an old war map, she asks, “Shall we begin?” I smell what the Khaleesi is cooking.

October 7, 2016 by Billy Henehan

Jack Gleason Spotlight – NYCC 2016

Welcome to King Joffrey’s court! This panel was billed as a look back on Jack Gleason’s life an career, all twenty some odd years of it.

Jack said that his love for acting began because his two older sisters acted in the local community center, and he became interested. Jack joked that “if the community center had karate classes instead of acting classes, I might have got really into karate.”

The moderator brought up his first movie, the Matthew McConaughey movie, Reign of Fire. Jack immediately called it a “really mediocre movie.” When asked, “You can say that?” by the moderator, Jack responded, “I mean, who’s going to care?” Jack pissed himself on set, but thankfully no one noticed.

The moderator asked Jack about playing the part of Little Boy in Batman Begins. “He was christened Little Boy. His dad was John Boy.” How did that role come about? “As an actor you go to a lot of auditions, and sometimes you get lucky and sometimes you don’t. And I got lucky.”

And then you got cast on Game of Thrones. “I thought you were going to talk about Shrooms, the Irish indie horror flick. I didn’t play Little Boy. I played Lonely Twin. Let’s not get into it. It’s not a good movie.

He said that at the Game of Thrones audition, he thought that it went well, but didn’t want to get his hopes up. He almost lost the part though, because filming of the pilot was supposed to take place during when Jack would have been taking the Irish equivalent of the SATs, and he couldn’t miss that. He thought he’d have to

Jack was asked if he read the books before they started filming? “I read the first book before we filmed the first season, but before I auditioned, I never had never heard of it. Because I’m an idiot.” When asked why he didn’t read past first book, he said, “Because I don’t have the attention span to read those kind of books. I was already studying Philosophy in University.”

When asked about his best scene, Jack responded, “I don’t know if there’s a scene where I did my best work, but the final scene that I appear in, Joffrey’s corpse is lying in the sept, and I just got to sleep for the whole day. That was amazing. I would literally fall asleep. They put those ceremonial stones on my eyes. I’d fall asleep and realize I shouldn’t have been, and there’s this acting going on around me. And I was like, (stiffens up). I don’t know if it was my best acting, but it was my favorite.”

“Shhhh, I’m trying to sleep here.”

Jack was asked if he looks up Joffrey’s demise. He responded that he did, immediately. Jack explained, “One of the first things I did when I got the part was, I looked up the Wikipedia entry on the character. When you get a job, if you know you’re going to get fired at some point, you would look up online when it would happen.” Was he upset to leave the show? No. He explained, “Four seasons is enough. Three seasons, two episodes, that was enough. I think everyone in the cast still loves performing and acting in the show, but my dad says to leave the party early, and not be the last at the party. I feel like I left at the right time.”

On Joffrey’s death scene, Jack said, “It’s very hard to try to pretend to choke to death. Has anyone here choked to death before? It’s hard to do that and make it convincing.”

When asked if which role he would have wanted to play besides Joffrey, “Probably Hodor. From an acting point of view, you only have to learn one line.”

Jack never watched Games of Thrones while he was on the show, because he doesn’t like to watch himself on screen. Did he pick up the show after Joffrey died? Jack joked, “No, it’s too much to catch up on. Even when I got the scripts, I would only read my own scenes. I’m selfish. Maybe I should get into it. I hear it’s good. It always wins Emmys. Maybe I should give it a shot.”

May 24, 2016 by Billy Henehan

Game of Thrones – S6E4 – Book of the Stranger – Recap

Hi, and welcome to another installment of my Game of Thrones recaps. For any new readers, be forewarned, I like to use nicknames. It all started as a way to keep a bunch of characters who mostly looked alike straight in my head, but even now that I’ve read the books and know everyone’s name, in a few cases, the nicknames have stuck. I welcome any and all comments. And away we go…

We open on Jon Snow and Bear Claw, er, Longclaw. I don’t think I’ll ever not mistake the name of that sword with the name of Josh Gad’s semi-recurring character on New Girl. Edd is talking to Jon, trying to convince Jon to stay. But Jon is headed south. He’s been up at Wall long enough and wants to get warm. Edd is feeling abandoned. Just as Jon basically says nothing could keep him at the wall, Brienne, Sansa, and Pod show up at the gate. Well, almost nothing could keep you at the Wall, Jon.

Did everyone catch the way Tormund eyed Brienne? I am 100% shipping Redbeard/Brienne. Who’s with me? They need a good couple name. Who has a good one?

Jon and Sansa hug like they’re in November Project. #hugeveryone. They eat together for the first time since early in season one. Jon says, “We never should have left Winterfell.” Sansa agrees with him. Remember back in season one when Sansa was the worst? I mean, back then I think I liked her even less than Cersei and Joffrey, and Joffrey is pure evil! Aunt Lysa falling out the Moon Door was the best thing to happen to Sansa this series. After that, Sansa transformed herself. I remember last season telling a friend that I liked Sansa now and he looked at me in shock. Sansa Stark: no longer the worst.

Sansa wants to take back Winterfell from Ramsey Bolton. Jon is tired of fighting. He’s been fighting since he got to the Wall. He’s killed Wildlings, he’s killed his own brothers in the black. It’s all bringing him down. Even that jerk teenager who killed Ygritte, the same one who stabbed and helped to kill Jon, Jon feels bad about killing. Jon Snow: Mopey McMoperson. I almost want Sansa to slap some fire into him.

Outside, Davos is conversing with Smokey Vajayjay. Smokey is 100% #teamjon. Where Jon goes, Smokey will follow. Davos wants to know what happened to Shireen, Stannis’s daughter. He’s like 15% curious about what happened to Stannis and 85% needs to know right now if Shireen is okay. Brienne tells them that she killed Stannis. When Davos recognizes her but can’t place it, Brienne says that she served Renley and saw him murdered by Smokey Vajayjay’s vagina-smoke demon. And you thought HPV was dangerous! Brienne isn’t subtle at all in letting it known she wants a reckoning with Smokey. Sleep with one eye open, Mellie Mel.

Down in the Vale, Robin Arryn is not drinking breast milk. I would have lost that bet. This is a surprise to everyone, not just me, right? I feel like in every scene I’ve ever seen him in, he was either drinking breast milk or crying or both. Weening off breast milk has been good for Robin. He’s grown a lot. I didn’t recognize him at first. Though as soon as I did realize it was Robin, I let out an audible, “UGH.” Littlefinger shows up with gifts for Robin. He gives Robin a falcon. Wait, no, not a falcon, a gyrfalcon. Interesting fact: Despite its name sounding mythical, the gyrfalcon is a real bird, native to North America, Europe and Asia. It’s the largest bird in the falcon family. #themoreyouknow

Royce doesn’t trust Littlefinger and immediately makes his objections to Littlefinger known. Royce then immediately falls into a classic Littlefinger trap and barely escapes with his life. Seriously, if Littlefinger didn’t let Royce out of his trap, Robin would have had Royce executed without even giving it a second thought, or even looking away from his new pet bird. Man, Littlefinger is much better at politicking than Tommy Carcetti ever was!

But by the end of the scene, all I can think is, “Ugh. Robin. Ugh. Littlefinger. Someone kill both of them.” Imagine if you lived in the Vale and you were sworn to Robin. You’re living your life, happy to be serving Jon Arryn, who everyone agrees is a stand up guy all around. Then he dies under mysterious circumstances and you’re now serving his crazy wife and still-breastfeeding-at-10 son? Oh geez. Then the mom dies and weakest of kids is in charge of the whole place? Thank goodness they’re high up in the mountains, or else this would be the first place the Ironborn reaved. Robin Aryn makes Sir Robin from Monty Python and the Holy Grail seem terrifying.

Littlefinger suggests to Robin that that Vale retake Winterfell! Littlefinger: “The time has come to join the fray.” I wonder if he means the band #howtosavealife. But pretty much anything Littlefinger suggests, Robin agrees to. He gets Robin to agree this time because he tells Robin this will impress Sansa Stark, the heir of Winterfell. Robin is initially grossed out by the idea of marrying his cousin and then way too into it. Are we sure Robin isn’t a Lannister?

The Fantastic Four, aka Tyrion, Grey Work, Missandei and Varys are meeting. Tyrion wants to negotiate with the slave masters, but saying Grey Worm and Missandei think it’s a bad idea is the understatement of the year. Tyrion meets with them anyway and gives the Great Masters of Astapor “the queen’s plan” to end slavery in seven years. Tyrion wants the Great Masters to immediately stop funding the Sons of the Harpy. It’s not a perfect plan and probably not one Dany would actually push for, but it does give Merreen immediate peace if it works out. As a parting gift, Tyrion gives the masters three freed whores.

Grey Worm and Missandei warn Tyrion not to trust the Great Masters. Tyrion has a great line when he says of the Great Masters, “Their contempt is their weakness.”

Daario and Friend Zone have made their way to just outside of Dosh Khaleen. Daario is humble bragging to Jorah about banging Dany. It’s amazing that Jorah doesn’t punch Daario in the face every five minutes. Don’t get me wrong, I’m #TeamDaario, but man, the guy seems to just repeatedly ask for a beating.

Friend Zone is no fool; he knows the way of the Dothraki. He insists they leave their weapons outside of Dosh Khaleen. Their cover is that they are wine merchants. If they’re found with weapons, their cover will immediately be blown and their lives will be forfeit. Daario reluctantly agrees to leave his weapons behind too. Daario has a dagger with a naked lady on the hilt. Daario is totally the creepy guy at your office who bought the pen that shows a naked lady when you turn it upside down. Jorah’s greyscale sticks out through his sleeve. When Daario sees this, he’s all, “Um, I’ll go bury my own dagger. No, no, I insist. I got this. #unclean.”

They sneak into Dosh Khaleen at night. The city is one big orgy. Daario is jealous. He wishes he was born a Dothraki. They run into some Dothraki who don’t buy their wine merchant story. One Dothraki tells the other to run off and get help. Daario chases down and kills the one who rand off. Friend Zone isn’t doing well against the other Dothraki. As Friend Zone is being choked, Daario stabs the Dothraki is the back. A lot of people dying by literal backstabbing this season. Jorah says the Dothraki can’t find a body with a stab wound; it will put everyone on alert. Daario has the solution. He takes a rock and caves int he dude’s chest. Repeatedly. I’m not really appreciating the closed captioning during this.

Dany is with the other widows. Some of the widows don’t like Dany because they don’t think Khals should marry foreigners. The old crone thinks those particular widows are idiots. Daario and Jorah find Dany. They want to escape with her from the city, but Dany has bigger plans.

Back in King’s Landing, Princess Low Cut is in jail. A septa comes in and leads her out. Princess Low Cut hasn’t seen sunlight in some time. The High Septon wanted to meet with her. He asks Princess Low Cut where she would go if he freed her. She says to her husband, the king, and her family. The High Septon tells her a parable, but Princess Low Cut ruins the punchline and says it’s from the Book of the Stranger, hence the name of this episode. I wish it was from the Book of the Perfect Strangers. #teambalki. The High Septon gives her his personal tale of finding rock bottom. The High Septon used to be really into drinking and whoring and then one morning woke up after an orgy and realized nothing in his life mattered, so he walked out barefoot and turned to the faith.

As a reward for Princess Low Cut listening to his tale and not ruining the punchline this time, the High Septon takes her to see her brother, Loras. They lock them in his cell together. Loras has definitely seen better days. He’s unshaven and covered in rags and shit. By rags and shit, I don’t mean shit in the “and other things” sense; I mean literal shit. Princess Low Cut tells Loras to stay strong. He says he can’t. I believe him. They’ve broken him.

Cersei walks in Pycelle advising Tommen. Cersei is having none of that. She basically tells Pycelle to get the fuck out. Tommen wants to be careful in dealing with the High Septon. He’s worried about Princess Low Cut, my apologies, I mean Queen Low Cut.

Cersei and Jaime head to the small council meeting and announce it’s cancelled. Ser Kevan and Grandma are NOT happy. Who else thinks Ser Kevan and Grandma are doing the wild thing, senior center style? No? Just me? Huh. Cersei gets Grandma to back down by telling them that the High Septon’s plan is for Queen Low Cut to star in Walk of Shame II: Shame Harder. Jaime wants Highgarden to send their army to storm the sept, free Margie and kill the High Septon. Grandma, usually suspicious of any of Cersei’s plans, is all in.

It’s funny, I don’t think Cersei realizes that Grandma is the one who had Joffrey killed. I wonder what her reaction will be when she finds out.

Theon takes a boat to the Iron Islands. Is it me or has Asha seen better days? It looks like someone didn’t hire a trainer in the off-season. Asha thinks Theon has returned to take the throne and doesn’t believe him when he says he has no desire for it. Man, Asha sucks. But Theon wins her over when he says, “You should rule the iron islands. Let me help you.”

Up in Winterfell, Ramsey is peeling an apple. Got to keep those flaying skills sharp. His men bring Tonks into his room. He tries to intimidate her. She isn’t having it. She tells him, “I can give you what you want.” She starts grinding him but has her eyes on his knife. It’s just out of reach. I am so hoping for win here. Grab. The. Knife! Come on, Tonks! Ramsey helps her get the knife by handing it to her himself. Unfortunately, he hands it to her pointy end first in her throat. Oh man! They gone done Tonks dirty! RIP Tonks. First they kill you in Harry Potter, now Game of Thrones. Some side characters have no luck. Ramsey wipes the knife and keeps peeling his apple. Cold blooooooooooooded!

An envoy of Ramsey’s wearing the Burnt Man sigil arrives at the Wall bearing a scroll. Ominous.

It’s dinnertime at the Wall. Tormund wants some Brie on his bread. Yes, I went there. I am 100% on board for shipping Brienne and Tormund. Edd apologizes to Sansa about the food. “It’s not what we’re known for.” Apology, schmology, this is going in her Yelp review! Edd is Lord Commander??? Or is there not one? This is confusing. Having read the books, I really can’t picture Dolorous Edd as Lord Commander. But he’s not quite as dimwitted on the show as he is in the books. Jon reads the letter from Ramsay. Ramsey demands Sansa back. Tormund is ready to fight. The numbers would be 2,ooo (Jon) vs 5,000 (Ramsey). And Ramsey’s men would be behind Winterfell’s gates. Jon realizes these are hopeless odds, but Sansa urges him on. She says, “You’re the son of the last true warden of the North. A monster has taken our home and our brother. We have to go back and save them both.” After that, I’m ready to fight in Sansa’s army.

The Khals are meeting in their Khal building. The guy whose chest Daario caved in? One of the khals says his name was Aggo. Whoa, isn’t Aggo one of Dany’s bloodriders? Sure, there could be another Dothraki named Aggo, but we know so few of these guys names. Why repeat a name that is also one of Dany’s main lieutenants? I think this is Dany’s Aggo that Daario killed. Man, that sucks for Aggo. You’re out searching for Dany and you end up getting killed by the guys coming to rescue Dany? For all we know, Aggo was working his own plan to get Dany out of there. RIP Aggo.

Dany is brought before the Khals. She challenges them. She doesn’t want to live with the widows in Dosh Khalleen and serve. She wants to lead the Dothraki. The Khals laugh at her. The Khal who brought her to Dosh Khalleen tells her, “You’re not going to serve.” You’re going to die.” And that’s when Dany goes Left Eyes on the Khals. She knocks over a vat of flaming oil. The Khal House goes up in flames and fast. The Khals try to escape, but Daario and Friend zone have barred the doors from the outside. Only Dany emerges from the inferno, ready to lead. Everyone has come to see the fire. They all bow before her. Dany, you bad mother fucker. Friend Zone and Daario also bow. Daario actually prays! Friend Zone looks up at Dany. She is resplendent. The Mother of Dragons is IN CHARGE!

May 10, 2016 by Billy Henehan

Game of Thrones – S6E3 – Oathbreaker – Recap

Hi, and welcome to another of my recaps of Game of Thrones. For any new readers, please note, I like to use nicknames. It’s hard keeping everyone straight when they’re all bearded brunettes with long hair or blonde siblings who like to shtup each other.

The episode open at the Wall, because WHERE ELSE IS IT GOING TO OPEN AFTER LAST EPISODE’S ENDING? Davos in shock by what he sees, Jon Snow breathing on the table. Jon is in even more shock than Davos. Smokey Vajayjay enters the room. She’s surprised too. That look on her face really drives home that she had 0% faith in her ability to bring Jon back. They ask Jon what he remembers. Smokey wants to know about the afterlife. Jon remembers being stabbed, but as for after death? He says it’s nothing, just nothingness. Jon actually does not seem relieved about being alive. He seems more confused about being back than happy about it. On a side note, this is the cleanest Jon has ever looked since Season 1, Episode 1.

Jon heads to the yard, where his brothers in the Black and the wildlings are assembled. They’re all shocked, though Tormund manages to get a good joke it. He says that everyone thinks Jon’s a god. Jon says that he isn’t one. Tormund gets the best lines of the episode with his response: “I know that. I saw your pecker. What kind of god would have a pecker so small?” Even Jon has to smile at that one.

The show cuts to a boat at sea. Sam and Gilly are on the boat. Sam is puking nonstop. Gilly is pretty upbeat, which is a total change from the books. I remember her crying her way through this whole boat trip in the books. Gilly even tries to lighten the mood, making a joke about homophones. She’s seriously more upbeat than she was in the books. I like that. Sam wants to take her to Horn Hill, his family home. She’s having none of it though, insisting that she and the baby stay by his side, even though the Citadel doesn’t allow women. I love how assertive she is. Gilly on the show >>>>> Gilly in the books.

When the next scene started, all I could think was, “Great. More new people who all look alike.” But no, we’re in the past. It’s Young Ned with Howland Reed, Meera’s dad. They’re meeting with some Targareans. This happens after the Battle of the Trident. Holy crap, Ned’s there for his sister. Remember, the popular story in Westeros is that Rhaegar kidnapped Ned’s sister Lyanna, held her in a tower and raped here. However, popular fan theory, and if you read the books, it seems to be all but spelled out that Rhaegar and Lyanna were in love, married in secret, and Jon Snow is the product of that marriage. Now, Rhaegar’s dead and Ned wants his sister back. Arthur Dayne and some other Targarean loyalists block Ned’s way. Arthur Dayne is known for his sword prowess, and he definitely shows it off here, fighting with two swords. Bran watches. Dayne holds off Ned and his men four to one, and even takes three of them down before it’s only he and Ned. He disarms Ned. But Howland Reed stabs Dayne in the back off his neck, allowing Ned to cut him down. A woman screams from the tower. Lyanna, obviously. Is she screaming in childbirth. Is Ned going to get up the steps just in time to see the birth of his nephew, whom Ned will tell people is his own bastard son?

Bran calls out father and Ned turns, but sees nothing. Bran wants to follow but the old Tree-man won’t let him. What a jerk! Back in the Tree-man’s lair, the Tree-man tells Bran, “You must learn.” Bran asks, “Learn what?” To which the Tree-man responds, “Everything,” but really is saying “Everything about Jon Snow so that the viewers and readers can finally have the facts straight about his background!” (edited for time).

Dany is taken to the where the Dosh Khaleen live. That dragon necklace of Dany’s looks like those wireless bluetooth headphone bases that I keep seeing people wear on the subway. How long before ThinkGeek sells an exclusive Game of Thrones wireless bluetooth headphone set? Dany had to march here on foot. They wouldn’t rape her out of respect, but they also wouldn’t even give her a horse as they take her back to Dothraki Town.The old Khaleesis that make up the Dosh Khaleen aren’t as old as I thought they would be. I expected them to all have white hair and really look like old crones, but I guess since most Khals don’t make it to old age, their widows would be on the young side. They strip Dany of all her garments and jewelery and dress her in plain brown robes. The oldest widow, who is maybe 55 tops, gives Dany some real juice to drink up after Dany proclaims that she’s the mother of dragons, Queens of Mereen, yadda, yadda, yadda. The (sort of) old crone says all the women there thought their Khal was going to conquer the world with them at their sides, and Dany is no different. The lady has a point.

Over in Mereen, Varys meets with that prostitute who slit that Unsullied guy’s neck during the Sons of the Harpy uprising late last season.. Her name is Vala. She’s surprised he knows her name. She’s then even more surprised that Varys knows everything about her, down to her son having asthma. Varys bribes her with safe passage for her and her son out of Mereen in trade for information.

Tyrion, Missandei and Grey Worm are sitting around a table waiting for Varys and are having the most awkward time possible. Grey Worm is even worse at being a conversationalist than Tyrion is at being a warrior. You can tell none of them are enjoying this. Varys, come and save them! It gets to the point that Tyrion wants to play drinking games with them to get the pair of them to open up. They don’t drink. Of course. Varrrrrrryyyyysssssssss!

Varys enters with news. He found out who are funding the Sons. Surprise, surprise, it’s all of Dany’s enemies. Astapor, Yunkai, and…I forget the third city. Basically, it’s everyone with a beef with Dany who does not have the last name Lannister.

Varys’s former Little Birds in King’s Landing are now in the employ of Qyburn, who is meeting with all of them. The show has suddenly turned into Oliver Twist. I wonder which one is the Artful Dodger. Qyburn offers them candy, which somehow manages to make Qyburn, the Dr. Frankenstein of Westeros, even creepier.

The Mountain returns to Qyburn’s lab. The kids are shocked, which is 100% the right reaction to seeing a zombie in full plate armor. . Cersei and Jaime are with the Mountain. Cersei wants Qyburn’s Little Birds in Dorne, Highgarden and the North. If anyone is laughing at her after she was paraded naked through the streets, she wants to know. Cersei 2.0 is fiercer than ever.

At the small council, Grand Maester Pycelle is talking some serious trash on Qybrun and Mountain. He’s, of course, overheard when the Mountain, Cersei and Jaime walk in. You can almost see the exact moment when Pycelle poops his pants. Cersei and Grandpappy Pycelle snipe back and forth. Jaime wants revenge on Ellaria Sand and the Sand Snakes. Instead of manning up over the death of his grand-niece, Cersei’s uncle calls the meeting to a close. I get that you want to be in charge, Uncle Kevan, and don’t appreciate Cersei storming in or Jaime announcing himself as having a seat on the council, but come on! They murdered the king’s sister! The king to whom you’re the Hand! What a pussy.

The High Septon is in the sept. Tommen enters and confronts him. Tommen finally stands up for himself. It’s kind of great that he’s finally showing some backbone. He wants Cersei to be able to see his sister’s final resting place. No dice. The High Septon says it’s not up to him, it’s up to the gods. This reminded me of the scene from season two of Silicon Valley when Russ Hanneman told his son, it wasn’t his call that it was his son’s bedtime, it was the robo-voice app announcing it. The High Septon gives Tommen a speech on the Mother’s love, just in time for Mother’s Day! Well played, Game of Thrones! The High Septon says of Tommen and Cersei, “There’s so much good in all of us. The best we can do is help each other bring it out.” By the end of the speech, I half expected Tommen to join the Faith Militant.

The show cuts to Stick training (read: beating) Arya. Half hertime is spent questioning Arya. The other half is spent beating her. Okay, it’s more like 48%/48%, because there’s a small bonus training of Arya sniffing different powders. One day in training (beating), Arya manages to make a block. Jaqen is happy. He ends the training (still read: beating) and pours Arya a bowl of death soup. She’s obviously hesitant about eating it. But she does. Instead of killing Arya, it gives her sight back. Jaqen asks, “Who are you?” A girl responds, “No one.”

I can’t be the only one who wants to constantly talk like Jaqen H’ghar is everyday life. “A man needs to catch up on writing Game of Thrones recaps.”

In Winterfell, Ramsey is consolidating his power. He meets with Lord Umber. Umber isn’t happy with Jon Snow letting Wildings south of the wall. He wants to kill Snow. Too late…Oh wait, never mind. Ramsey wants Lord Umber to bend a knee to him, to which Umber responds, “Fuck kneeling and fuck oaths. I have a gift for you.” Ramsey counters with, “I prefer redheads.” It’s actually two gifts: Rickon and Tonks! Ramsey wants to know how he can be sure it’s Rickon. Lord Umber’s men produced Rickon’s direwolf’s decapitated head. 🙁

Up at the Wall, Jon is sitting by his fire. Edd enters. “It’s time.” Time for what? Oh, time to kill the traitors. Jon asks them if they have any last words. One says, “You shouldn’t be alive. It’s not right.” Jon responds with, “Neither was killing me.” Ooooh, I call that a Snow Burn! Thorne is unrepentant. Thorne really is such a dick. He says even if he knew how it would turn out, he’d go back and kill Jon again. That kid looks more pissed than ever. I think I’m more happy with him dying than I am with Thorne dying. Jon hangs them all. For a second, it looked like he wouldn’t. I’m amazed there was any hesitation. Those dumb looks are finally off the kid’s face. Don’t forget to burn to the bodies! The last thing we need is that kid coming back as a sour-faced zombie. Edd agrees with me. Okay, so Jon hanging the traitors? Not a shock. But what comes next, Jon handing Edd his cloak and being like “Peace out?” That’s a shock! Double-you. Tee. Eff. “My watch has ended. Boom. Mic drop. Snow out. To be fair, he did serve until he died. But wow. Just wow.

Season 6 of Game of Thrones is totally the Jon Snow Show. He comes back from the dead. It looks like we’re finally going to get the truth about his parentage in these flashbacks of Bran’s. And now, Jon is quitting the Watch. Where’s he headed? Winterfell to avenge his family and kill Ramsey? Braavos to run into Arya? I’m guessing Arya will be heading out of Braavos on a mission for Jaqen soon. Will they encounter each other on the road? Will he meet Sansa as she heads north and he heads south? Will Davos and Smokey follow him? So many questions! Can you believe we’re already about 1/3 of the way through this season?!

May 8, 2016 by Billy Henehan

Game of Thrones – S6E2 – Home – Recap

The episode opens and we finally get to see the old man who is the three eyed raven. He’s not as woven into the tree as I pictured in my head from the books. He seems more encapsulated by the branches, like he just needs someone to saw him out. I’m firmly in the camp that the TV show does it better, but here I think the TV show lost out to the books. Bran is at the old man’s feet. Remember Bran? It’s been awhile! Wow, Bran has really aged since we’ve last seen him. That’s what happens when you leave a teenager out of a whole season of a show. Bran is seeing the past, specifically his dad, Ned, as a kid in Winterfell. And Winterfell never looked so good. The place is at peace, something Winterfell hasn’t seen since early in season one. Young Ned and Young Ben are practicing their swordplay in the yard. Lyanna Stark *cough* Jon’s mom! Jon’s mom! *cough* Even Bran is surprised by happy everyone is. “They were all so happy,” he exclaims. The definition of happy in Game of Thrones is fascinating, I mean they’re still hitting each other with blunted swords. Whoa! Hodor as as a boy! And he’s talking! Hodor’s name is Wylis! Get ready for all the Hodor “Whatchu talkin’ about Wylis?” memes. Hodor is older than I thought.

The old man pulls Bran out of his vision of the past. In the present, an extra from the Broadway show Cats is checking out Bran. I know, I know, she’s one of the Children of the Forest. Put your keyboard down, angry German fan.

Bran asks Hodor about his past. Surprise, surprise, Hodor only responds, “Hodor.” Man, Meera has gotten older too. Meera looks like she could be Tom Hiddleston’s sister. If Marvel ever needs to cast female Loki, look no further! The extra from Cats tells Meera that Brandon needs her. She then launches into a rendition of Memories before we cut away to the Wall.

Maybe it’s a product of my 90’s suburban upbringing, but every time the show cuts to the Wall, I think of The Wall, the CD store that used to give you a sticker for any CD purchased there. If anything went wrong with the CD, they would replace it, no questions asked. It was a long time before they caught on that people saved the stickers on the side and only attached them to their CDs when one scratched, whether it was bought from The Wall or not. They eventually went out of business, possibly related to that exploit of their policy. Cue Closing Time.

Sorry, back to the show.

Up at the Wall, Thorne wants inside Davos’s room. Thorne says no harm will come to them if they open the door…which is why Thorne has a horde of archers aiming their arrows at the door. Don’t open the door, Davos, I’ve seen this before! Damn, Ghost is huge. Davos and the Jon-men bare their swords, but they keep the door locked. Thorne has a dude knock the door down with a battering ram. That kid that killed Ygritte still has that smug look from last episode on his face. Man, I hope someone stabs that kid in his stupid face. Just as Thorne’s men break into Davos’s room, the wildlings, led by Redbeard, storm the Wall. Oh man, you guys are fucked. The wildlings have a giant. That giant is so cool. I want Davos to say, “We have a Hulk,” as the giant bashing one of Thorne’s men against the Wall. Thorne’s men surrender immediately. Good call. It’s only Thorne and Smug Boy left. The kid charges. Sadly, they just disarm him quickly instead of stabbing him in his stupid face. Dolorous Edd take charge! He orders Thorne, Smug Boy and their crew to the cells. Redbeard checks out Snow’s body.

Down at King’s Landing, some dude is bragging about flashing Cersei with his cock when she did her walk of shame. What’s funny is that Lena Headley mentioned this guy when she was on NPR’s Wait, Wait, Don’t Tell Me during the offseason. The host, Peter Sagal, asked Lena Headley about filming the walk of shame scene. She mentioned that before shooting started, she was talking to a new face at the craft services table. She asked what part he had today, and he basically said, “I’m going to be flashing my willy at you.” Glad he’s back. Too bad he won’t be back again. The Mountain teaches him a lesson. That lesson is “Brag about flashing the Queen and have your skull bashed into a wall.” I think the Mountain is actually stronger than before. The Mountain returns tot Cersei. Please Mountain, never take that helmet off, but if you do, please be the WWE’s Undertaker under that mask. And please have Qyburn follow him around with an urn full of the Hound’s ashes.

Cersei tries to attend her daughter’s funeral, but King Tommen has ordered his guards to keep Cersei in her room. For a second, it looks like the Mountain is about tombstone pile drive his way through about a dozen of Tommen’s knights, but Cersei has him stand down and stays put in her room.

Speaking of Tommen, he’s with his uncle-dad Jaime at Myrsella’s funeral. Unlike Joffrey’s funeral, this is a private affair, just a an uncle-dad and his nephew-son mourning the loss of niece-daughter. Welcome to royalty. How are these people not all cross-eyes and web-fingered from sharing so many chromosomes? Tommen is a lot whinier here than I remember him in the books, and less of a mother’s boy. It turns out that Tommen has Cersei confined to her room because he is too embarrassed to face her. He’s embarassed that he didn’t do anything to save his mom from jailing her walk of shame.

The High Septon aka Pope Francis walks in. Tommen wants to see Princess Low Cut. No dice. The High Septon says no one can see her, not even the king, until she confesses. Jaime sends Tommen away. Jaime and the High Septon stand off. .Jaime hints he’s going to cut down the High Septon right there. The High Septon calls his bluff. The Faith Militant appear at the top of the steps. Jaime points out that they’re too far to save the High Septon. The High Septon says that doesn’t matter. He and the Faith Militant have nothing and everything to gain. Jaime and the royalty have everything to lost. Is it me or do the Faith Militant have a lot of similarities to the Sons of the Harpy? Sure the Sons of the Harpy are mostly rich slave owners, but after that difference, I think the groups are similar. They’re both religious extremists, rising up to take down those in power.

Anyway, Jaime stands down.

Tommen meets with his mother and begs her forgiveness. Unrelated, Tommen has a really weak chin.

In Mereen, Tyrion is meeting with Varys, Grey Worm and Missandei. In my notes, I wrote their names as “Baldy, No Dick and What’s Her Name the Scribe.” I know, I know. I’m the worst. Angry comment all you want, it won’t help me remember these names any faster. Tyrion has a great line where he says, “If I lost my cock, I’d drink all the time. No offense,” as he looks at Varys and Grey Worm. Tyrion has the best line of the episode with “That’s what I do. I drink and I know things.” Seriously, it’s been less than a week and I’ve already seen a store selling that line on t-shirts. Tyrion wants to free the dragons. He has the best ideas when he’s drinking.

Tyrion goes down into the pit and talks to one of the two dragons chained up down there. In the books, the dragons melted their chains, but here on the show, they’re still bound. After telling a great story about wanting a dragon when he was a boy, Tyrion unchains the dragon. The other dragon walks over and presents his chain to Tyrion. He frees that one too. The two dragons walk away. Tyrion speeds out. Amazingly, his pants aren’t wet. Even more amazingly, he’s not toasted dragon food.

Arya has looked better. She’s definitely been on the receiving end of off-camera training beatings since last episode. She should get some tips from Daredevil. Since that waif who keeps beating her does it with a stick, maybe I’ll call her Stick after Daredevil’s mentor. After Stick finishes beating Arya for the day, Jaqen H’ghar shows up. Oh, Jaqen, you’re my favorite. He tells Arya that if she wants the beatings to stop and her sight back, she just has to say her name. Arya doesn’t back down; she says she’s no one. Jaqen’s impressed. Arya just got promoted.

The Boltons boy are having some father son time. Roose thinks Sansa will flee to her bastard brother at the Wall. Ramsey suggests killing Jon Snow. Ha. Too late. There’s news. Lady Walda has given birth to a son. How long until Ramsey kills the baby? Who wants to take bets? Before anyone can pick a date, Ramsey stabs Roose. No, Roose stabbed Ramsey. No, Ramsey stabbed Roose. Damn! Cold blooded! It’s ironic that Ramsey did Roose the same way Roose did Robb at the Red Wedding. All that was missing was Ramsey saying, “Ramsey sends his regards.”

Remember when Winterfell was a nice place 30 minutes and 30 years ago? You know, before sons were stabbing fathers. Killing his own father isn’t even the worst thing Ramsey will do today. Ramsey meets Walda and the baby in the yard. He asks Walda, “May I hold him?” Walda, the answer is always no, no, no, no, no, no. Ramsey leads Walda into his dog pen. Walda asks “Where is Lord Bolton?” To which I said to my TV, “I am Lord Bolton.” And then Ramsey said, “I am Lord Bolton.” Oh Walda. You knew you were dead the moment you walked into the dog pen. Ramsey says, “I prefer being an only child.” He sics the dogs on Walda and the baby. Those dogs have been eating really well the last two episodes. I was watching this episode with closed captioning on. I cold have done without “flesh tearing” showing up in the close captioning. Thanks closed captioneers.

Thankfully, we get to see my new favorite team-up, Sansa and Brienne. Brienne tells Sansa about encountering Arya. Sansa says she should have gone with Brienne when Brienne first offered? When did Sansa have the opportunity to go with Brienne before? I seriously just don’t remember this. A little help, readers? Roose was right, Sansa plans to head to the Wall. Theon is afraid of Jon’s wrath if they go to the Wall. He’s remorseful for everything he’s done to the Starks. He points out that even though he didn’t kill Bran and Rickon, he killed those two stable boys while claiming they were Theon and Rickon, not to mention killing others in Winterfell during his short coup. Theon is riding for home, the Iron Isles. I feel like he would be safer at The Wall.

In the Iron Isles, Balon and Asha are arguing. While most of the show has passed the books, this and what’s going on with Arya, seem to be the only storylines that have fallen behind the books. Balon wants to conquer. Asha wants to shore up the Iron Isles and consolidate their rule there. Balon scoffs at her, pointing out that out of all of the kings in the War of the Five Kings, he’s the only one still alive. When Balon walks out onto that footbridge in the storm, all I thought was, “Okay, here we go. Nice knowing you, Balon.” I think Balon’s death was handled better here on the show than it was in the books. In the books, his death seemed random and like it came out of nowhere. The old man just slipped and fell of the bridge. Was it because he was cursed by Smokey Vajayjay’s fire god? Or was he just an old man walking over a slippery and rickety bridge in a storm? Either way, his death on the TV show definitely drives the plot forward better. We are immediately introduced to Balon’s prodigal brother Euron, aka The Crow’s Eye. We immediately get to see how dangerous Euron is when he kills his brother. It’s funny how unshocking fratricide and patricide are on this show. Euron killed his brother to seize power for himself? Well, what else did you expect? During this scene, all I could think was “Woot! King’s moot time! Woot! Woot! It’s a motherfucking King’s moot!” King’s moot has to be my single favorite phrase from the books. It’s just fun to say, like chimichanga.

Smokey Vajayjay looks like her young self again. Davos enters her room. Imagine if she still looked 1,000? That would have been a hard one to explain. Davos wants Smokey to resurrect Jon. Smokey says won’t do it. Despite looking like her young self again, she’s still having a crisis of faith. But Davos believes in her, which when you think about it is really saying a lot, considering Davos’s feeling about Big Red for most of this series.

Smokey cleans Jon’s body. “What’s a man got to do to get a bath around here?” – Common Knight’s Watch idiom. Apparently, the answer is get stabbed repeatedly and die. Or mostly die. Or die. I honestly don’t know if Jon is coming back as I watch this. If it were any other show, then OF COURSE Jon is coming back. But there seems to be nothing GRRM likes more than fucking with the readers and viewers. “Hey, invest in this Ned Stark guy! He’s going places! Psych!” – GRRM in season one.

As Smokey is cleaning Jon, I think, “Wow, that’s a lot of blood on Jon Snow.” Big Red has looked better. Jon too for that matter. The jewel in Smokey’s necklace is dark. It was dark last episode too. That can’t be a good sign. Wow, Jon looks very, very Jesus right now. This scene has all the subtlety of Zach Snyder’s Man of Steel when it comes to Jesus imagery. Mellie Mel works her magic. Yeah, that’s right. I now have three nicknames for her. Come at me, bro! She burns some of Jon’s hair. Don’t worry, she cut the hair off first. But this room must really smell great right now. Oh wait, Tormund (Red beard, not to be confused with Big Red. Big Red is Mellie Mel! Keep it straight! )is there. I guess him Tormund there, burning hair won’t make the room smell any worse. Oooh, wicked wildling burn, Billy. Thank you. Wet dire wolf, wildling BO and now burnt hair? Yum. Does Yankee Candle make this scent? Tormund is staring down Davos. Mel gives up. They need Miracle Max. Tormund storms out. Edd and Mel leave. Davos looks at Jon. Ghost sleeps. Jon lies there. Davos leaves. Ghost rises. Jon wakes up gasping! I jump off my couch gasping!

JON SNOW IS ALIVE!!!!!

Dear Game of Thrones staff: please dress Jon as the Dread Pirate Roberts next week.

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