Game of Thrones: S7E1 – Dragonstone

Game of Thrones is back! And so are my recaps! Some ground rules for those of you new to these recaps of mine. I started out as someone who didn’t read the books. And because there are so many characters, many of who look alike, I’ve given a lot of them nicknames to keep them straight. Despite years of watching (and rewatching this show), and now having now read the books, I still find myself using my nicknames. It doesn’t help that the break between seasons was long enough for me to forget some of the lesser characters names. But enough about that, on with the recap!

Previously on Game of Thrones: Cersei killed everyone. Seriously, everyone. RIP Queen Low Cut. Your reign was cut as short as your tops.

The episode starts off with Walder Frey and I’m immediately confused. Didn’t Arya kill him? Ohhhh, wait, this is Arya isn’t it. My favorite part of Arya’s speech was when she said, “Leave one wolf alive and the sheep are never safe.” Arya strikes me a big Training Day fan. King Kong doesn’t have shit on Arya. Ooooh and she smiled aas she walked out of the room. Arya has basically cemented herself as the most bad ass character on Game of Thrones.

As a side note, I love when actors have to play two roles at the same time. David Bradley does a great job playing Arya playing Walder. It reminds me of Nicholas Cage and John Travolta in Face Off. 

I love watching the credits during the first episode of the new season. It’s like a game of “spot the new stuff.” Old Town is definitely new in the credits, right? I had no idea what that place was. I assumed it was Dany’s new HQ, but realized later in the episode it’s where Sam is hanging out.

The episode starts out with a long shot of a snowy field. It’s like minutes and minutes of “Hey look. It’s winter.” The Night King slowly rides towards the camera. Maybe it’s that I just saw the Bill Viola Electronic Renaissance exhibit in Florence, but this shot reminded me a lot of Viola’s The Crossing. That’s right, sometimes I go highbrow.

He’s followed by his Night Lieutentants on horseback, followed by a horde of walking dead. This march seems like an accidental tribute to Dawn of the Dead director George A. Romero, who passed away the same day this episode aired. RIP George A. Romero.

We cut to Bran, who is being dragged through the snow by Frog Girl. This is shot very much like Luke entering Jabba’s Palace in Return of the Jedi. Jon’s pals aren’t sure if they believe it’s really Brandon Stark until Bran pulls some Miss Cleo voodoo on them and tells them about themselves from stuff he’s seen when he’s the raven. It’s weird. Ugh. Bran is easily my the least favorite Stark. Bran at the Wall. Wow, the Wall is covered in white. Winter is here.

Jon’s holding a meeting. He wants dragon glass. And he wants women to fight as well. This is met with some resistance. Look guys, the future is female. Jon wants the Free Folk to defend Eastwatch By The Sea. Readbeard has a great line where he says, “Looks like we’re the night’s watch now.” I love you, Redbeard.

We see the first rift between Sansa and Jon. Sansa wants the anyone who sided with Ramsey stripped of their lands. Jon’s being a little more forgiving. Hey guys, maybe not in front of the whole assembly? Meanwhile, Littlefinger is all Kermit drinking Lipton tea watching this go down.

Jon calls on Lord Umber and Alys Karstark. They’re the heirs of their family lands and people. They’re also kids! Jon doesn’t care. He asks for their loyalty, and these kids whip out their swords and pledge it to him.

Sansa warns Jon not be dumb like Ned and Robb. She makes a line about them both losing their heads that’s both literal and figurative. Remember when Sansa was the worst? So much has changed over the years! Despite their disagreement, Sansa thinks Jon’s a good leader and good at ruling. Jon gets a raven from Cersei demanding he comes to King’s Landing to bend a knee. Jon’s like “Whatever. She’s 1,000 miles away and I’ve got a Night King to worry about.” Sansa warns him not to underestimate the new queen.

Down in King’s Landing, Cersei is overseeing Michelangelo as he paints the Westerosi version of the Sistine Chapel. It’s a map of her kingdom. When Jaime enters the room, Michelangelo takes his leave to go work on his statue of David. Cersei points out on the map where all their enemies are. TL; DR: their enemies are in every direction. Wait, Cersei still blames Tyrion for Joffrey’s death? She never figured out it was really Princess Low Cut’s grandma. Huh, I didn’t realize that. Jaime gets in some good points, saying “Right now, we look like the losing side.” When Cersei says she’s Queen of the Seven Kingdoms, Jaime counters with “Three kingdoms at best.”

Euron pays a visit. He looks like he should be the new lead singer of Drive Shaft. Is everyone dressed in black? Even the Mountain has a new black armor. I get Cersei and Jaime being dressed in black; they’re mourning. But even the king’s queen’s guard? Their armor wasn’t black after Joffrey’s death. Is this because of that giant “accident” that caused everyone in Baelor’s Sept to die at the end of last season? #610insidejob #cerseididit

Euron proposes to Cersei, but she turns him down. He says he’s going to return for her with a priceless gift. Priceless gift? Who’s Euron hunting? Tyrion?

Sam at the library is the library in Oldtown. Oh wow, this is some montage. R Kelly interns have it better than Sam. This is literally the shittiest montage ever. Someone please make a gif of this sam montage. I want Sam’s gagging noise as my new ringtone.

Sam wants access to the forbidden section of the library. While one of the maesters does believe his story about seeing White Walkers, he still won’t give Sam access to the forbidden section. The old maester says “The Wall has stood through it all,” which immediately makes me think The Wall is going to crumble by the end of this episode.

Brienne and Redbeard are my favorite couple on this whole show. Ever. I would totally watch a Brienne and Tormund sitcom.

tormund brienne love actually

What! Ed Sheeran! Holy shit! Forget what I said. I’m now shipping Arya and Ed. The soldiers are surprisingly good to Arya. It disarms her. Arya’s like “I really want to kill you guys but you’re being really nice to me.” Even in Westeros, Ed Sheeran makes all the white girls panties drop.

Throwback to the time I was a Lannister

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I’m hoping for a TSwizzle cameo next week.


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The Hound and Robin Hood. They ride up to the house where Arya left The Hound. Stopping by the house where he knifed that guy and left him for dead over some silver is bringing up bad memories for The Hound. I like that The Hound finally has a heart. The Hound looks into the flames. He’s asked what he sees. He does not see Sirius Black. He has a vision in the flame. The dead are going to pour through Eastwatch by the Sea. The Hound stays up late burying the people he killed. He even says he’s sorry they’re dead and they deserve better. Awww, good Hound. Good Hound.

Big up @maisie_williams

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Sam is reading his book from the forbidden section. He reads that there is a mountain of dragon glass under Dragonstone. He writes Jon. Well, now we know how Dany and Jon are going to meet.

First time @itsbennyblanco has seen an episode, here’s his review

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Sam is walking down a hall. A zombified hand bolts out of a window at him. The person on the other end of that lepor hand speaks. It’s Friend Zone! He asks about Dany. Sam’s all, “can you put that gross hand back in your room, please?”

Dany lands at Dragonstone. She’s also in black. As are Tyrion and all of Dany’s men too. The only people not in black in this episode are at the Citadel. And the Eunuch. He’s in brown. What’s with black being the new hot color in all of Westeros?

Dany takes Dragonstone. “Finally! The Khaleesi has returned to Westoros!” With everyone gathered around an old war map, she asks, “Shall we begin?” I smell what the Khaleesi is cooking.