Wow. Seriously, Wow. Well, I definitely did not see that one coming. But I’m getting ahead of myself. As I mentioned last week, I have a hard time keeping track of everyone’s name on the show, and I don’t want to Google people’s names and risk seeing spoilers, so bear with me and my use of nicknames. I haven’t read the books, so I’ll only be talking about what’s on the show. If you have read the books, please be cool and don’t spoil future events in the show. Spoilers after this cool picture of Walter White sitting on the iron throne. The episode starts out in the woods of Bolton country. Matchbox 20’s Robb Thomas is leading a hunting party after a blonde girl named Tansy. The hunting party is a brunette girl, Theon and two dogs trained by Michael Vick. Apparently they’re hunting Tansy because the brunette girl was jealous of her. It’s like Veronica’s sick fantasy about what do about Betty in an Archie comic. Betty/Tansy doesn’t make it. Pro tip: when being chased by hunting hounds, do not stop running. We cut to Tyrion and Jaime brunching together. Tyrion gives Cersei the best nickname, “The Mother of Madness.” Jaime laments that he can’t fight anymore, and can’t trust anyone to train him to fight left handed without someone blabbing. Tyrion says knows just the guy. Of course, we immediately cut to Best-Line Bronn, who is leading Jaime to a secluded platform by the cliffs to train him. And of course, Bronn lives up to his nickname when he explains to Jaime why he’s sure that no one will hear them while they’re training. Basically, this is where Bronn takes some big dude’s wife to have sex with her. She’s a loud one, and if no one can hear them banging each other, no one will hear a couple of swords banging together. Tyrion is the best, but Bronn might be my favorite character on the show.

Back in the land of the Boltons, Robb Thomas welcomes his father (who I will now be calling Michael Bolton) home from killing Robb Stark. The guy who took Jaime’s hand is with the dad too. This guy really looks like Count Tyrone Rugen, the six fingered man from The Princess Bride. He even talks like him. I really hope he has six fingers, and that he’s giving Christopher Guest a kickback for this performance. I also really hope that Mandy Patankin is cast in an upcoming episode to dispatch this guy.  Michael Bolton is not happy that Robb Thomas tortured Theon into his current state. Poor Theon. One day you’re fingering your sister on horseback, the next day you’re the gimp from Pulp Fiction. Theon/Reek admits to Michael Bolton that he didn’t kill the Stark boys. Michael Bolton sends the six fingered man after the Stark kids. Question time. Is the last name Snow is Westoros similar to the last name Doe? Robb Thomas’s last name is Snow and he’s a bastard, just like John Snow. Is Snow just a way to denote someone as a bastard? Or are John and this guy possibly related? Varys tells Tyrion that Cersei knows about him and Shae, and that Cersei told their father, Tywin. If Tyrion doesn’t get Shae out of the country, she’s dead.  This leads to Tyrion White Fanging Shae. Cold, Tyrion. Stone cold.

Joffrey is having a breakfast party. Is it his birthday? No, wait, it’s his bachelor party. Tyrion gives him an oversized book delineating the history of four past kings. Joffrey thanks him while making a face that says, “Joffrey don’t read.” Tywin presents Joffrey with the second of the two swords he forged from the Stark’s sword last episode. Joffrey tests it out by chopping his new book in two. Fucking Joffrey. I’m convinced George R. R. Martin was bullied by a guy named Geoffrey growing up. Oh great, Smoky Vajayjay is back. I hate that red headed witch. She’s quite possibly my least favorite character on the whole show. Yeah, Joffrey’s awful, but lady is awful and pretentious. But really, she’s the worst. Every time she comes on screen, I’m thinking, “Here we go again.” She’s like that one friend you had back in the ’90s who was just a little too into Wicca.

In case you don’t get her nickname…

Up north, Bran is still hanging in the woods with the kid from Love, Actually, Hodor, and that girl who kind of looks like a tall Bran. Bran tells Hodor to take him to the tree from the Wizard of Oz, the one with the face in it. Bran touches it and has a vision. And it is a werid-ass vision. A voice says “Look for me, beneath the tree. North,” while sees a bunch of images, including Ned Stark in jail, a zombie horse, the back of a man who looks like John Snow,  snow falling on the Iron Throne (see what they did there?), Bran himself falling out of the tower and some other weird stuff. Royal wedding time! Joffrey marries Princess Low Cut. She’s now Queen Low Cut. Crazy love triangles between Cersei, Jaime and Brianne, and then again with Jaime, Cersei and Loras. That dude who kinda looks Will Wheaton dressed as J. Lo, his girlfriend Slave Leia and Loras even have a love triangle going on, though this is the only love triangle in the episode that all three people look like they’re really into and have no problem with.  Joffrey needs to be Joffrey at the wedding, so he holds a five way midget joust. Joffrey is officially that douchey frat guy you met in college whose parents had too much money. It’s Lil’ Joffey, Lil’ Robb Stark, Lil’ Renley, Lil’ Stannis and Lil’ Balon Greyjoy in a battle royal.  This wedding is turning into who can Joffrey irk more, Sansa or Tyrion. After Lil’ Joffrey stands victorious, Joffrey order Tyrion to fight Lil’ Joffrey. Tyrion declines, saying Joffrey should show off those legendary fighting skills that has kept King’s Landing safe. Tyrion is smooth like Don Draper in this scene. Joffrey, being the annoying, overprivileged frat boy that he is, then pours his wine on Tyrion’s head, and has the balls to command Tyrion to refill his goblet. Joffrey wants a reaction out of Tyrion. Tyrion doesn’t give it to him. So Joffrey chucks his wine glass under the table and commands Tyrion to fetch it. Sansa bends down under the table and hands Tyrion the goblet. Just when it seems like it’s going to come to head between Joffrey and Tyrion, Queen Low Cut announces it’s time for pie.  Joffrey cuts the pie with his sword. Doves come flying out.  A few of the dove didn’t make it. I ain’t eating that dead dove pie.  Sansa wants to bounce. Tyrion too. They try to exit, stage right.  Joffrey has other ideas and wants Uncle Tyrion to bring him more wine. Tyrion retrieves Joffrey’s goblet from Grandma’s table. Man, grandma is really looking intently at that wine goblet.

And that’s when shit gets real! Joffrey starts coughing and drops dead! Ho. Lee. Shit.  Did that just happen? The baddest bad guy in Westeros is dead? Wow! Oh crap, does this mean more scenes with Smokey Vajayjay? Ugh…

Who killed Mr. Burns Joffrey??? Obviously, it wasn’t Tyrion. He looked as surprised as anyone, and come on, we’ve all seen enough episodes of Law & Order to know it’s never the first suspect. I’ve got four leading candidates for the identity of the murderer.

1. Sansa – Boy, does she have motive. And she had oppurtunity as well, when she bent down to pick up the wine cup under the table. You can see her free hand pass over the cup before she hands it to Tyrion. But why would she be carrying poison on her? To off herself on the night of Joffrey’s wedding? That sounds Sansa-like. She’s been talking suicide for awhile, but maybe seeing Lil’ Robb Stark get “decapitated” was enough for her to decide to share her poison. And the Jester was keen on getting Sansa out of there in a hurry when the shit hit the fan.
2. Grandma – She clearly doesn’t like what she’s heard about the way Joffrey treats women, and she loves her granddaughter. Joffrey takes a sip of his wine after Sansa handled it, and was fine. He then puts his goblet down on Grandma’s table when it’s time for pie. That pie scene provided plenty of misdirection for Grandma to lace his wine.
3. Wil Wheaton dressed as J. Lo – This dude clearly has motive. His sister died in the sacking of King’s Landing, which the Lannisters played a huge part in. Could he have poisoned Joffrey? But if he did, how? He was seated far away. Maybe the wine wasn’t poisoned at all. Joffrey was the only one to try the pie.
   

   Wil Wheaton – Red Viper

4. Tywin – If Joffrey dies, Joffrey’s little brother is next in line for succession. Tywin doesn’t need the title of king, as long as he had the power. Joffrey immediately showed that he wouldn’t be his uncle’s puppet, and Tywin’s already hinted that he has no problem killing his own children if they got in his way. Forbidden lovechild grandson never stood a chance. The thing is, though, why give Joffrey that new bitchin’ Valyrian steel sword for his wedding if Tywin was planning on killing him only hours later. I guess it does make for a good alibi, if it turns out that he is the killer. 

Out of the four, I’m leaning towards Grandma and/or Tywin being behind Joffrey’s death. Don’t trust anyone over 30, kids.

If you’ve read the books, and know who killed Joffrey, please keep that information to yourself! Comments and theories are welcome below, but please avoid spoilers of future events on the show.