Welcome to another SPOILER FILLED recap of Game of Thrones! As I’ve mentioned in past weeks, I have a hard time keeping track of everyone’s name on the show, and I don’t want to Google people’s names and risk seeing spoilers, so bear with me and my use of nicknames. I haven’t read the books, so I’ll only be talking about what’s on the show. If you have read the books, please be cool and don’t spoil future events in the show.

There are plenty of SPOILERS in this recap of episode 3 of season 4 of Game of Thrones. If you’d like to go in fresh, I HIGHLY RECOMMEND not reading past the photo below of Iron Man lounging on the Iron Throne.

During the opening credits, I noticed that George RR Martin did not write this episode. Hear that, main characters? You’re safe this week!*

Remember when Jaime returned to King’s Landing last season, and that moment when his and Cersei’s eyes met? If you’re like me, you thought, “Awwwwwwwww, wait, wait, gross. Gross!” That happened again to me this episode, when Jaime entered the Sept and saw Cercei standing quietly over the body of their dead son. “Man, can’t these two ever catch a break? Wait, wait, they’re still brother and sister! Gross!” It gets worse, as Jaime proceeds to rape his sister/lover next to the body of his son/nephew. I swear, if these Lannisters weren’t filthy rich and good looking, they’d be the swamp people of Westeros.  

Oh, before Jaime raped her, Cersei tried to get him to promise to kill Tyrion, their little-person brother, whom Cersei thinks killed their son. Swamp people, I tell ya.

Speaking of Tyrion, he’s locked in a dungeon. His squire, Pod, comes to visit him. The guards catch Pod’s bottle of wine, but miss everything else from the kitchen pantry that he’s hidden on himself.  Pod’s tunic is like Jerry’s trench coat in Parker Lewis Can’t Lose.

I hoped that the title Breaker of Chains referred to Tyrion escaping prison, maybe even Bronn breaking him out by having himself thrown in jail with a map of the dungeon tattooed on his body. No such luck. Things aren’t looking good for Tyrion. His sister wants him dead, and the tribunal hearing his case seems like a stacked deck against him. Realizing his own goose is cooked, Tyrion advises Pod to do whatever he can to save himself, even if it means publicly turning on Tyrion. He does ask Pod to bring him Jaime. Um, Tyrion, that might not be the best idea…

The jester helps Sansa flee King’s Landing and takes her to a g-g-ghost ship! Oh wait, it’s only Littlefinger’s boat. Littlefinger’s men put a couple of crossbow bolts into the jester as a thank you for his hard work once Sansa is safely on board. It turns out that the jester has been working for Littlefinger for the past few episodes. For a guy on a boat pretty far from land, Littlefinger sure knows a lot about Joffrey’s death, enough to implicate himself in the crime. If he’s not behind Joffrey’s death, he has to at least know who is. On a completely separate note, I’m currently watching The Wire for the first time ever and now when Littlefinger comes onscreen, all I see is Tommy Carcetti.

In another part of Westeros, Arya and The Hound are taken in for the night by a widower farmer and his daughter. In case either the audience or Arya was starting to like The Hound over the past few episodes, he’s roundly depicted as an asshole here, first by being a dick to the farmer who feeds him and puts him up for the night, and then by robbing said farmer. I was kind of hoping Arya would take a stab at the back of The Hound’s knee with Needle as he was walking away with the farmer’s silver.

Back to King’s Landing, and Queen Low Cut is trying to figure out one of the things my friends and I were trying to figure out after the end of the last episode, namely is she the queen? Grandma says she is, but advises her granddaughter not to press the issue. Queen Low Cut wonders if she’s cursed, looking back on her last two husbands. Grandma flips that coin on its head and suggests that Margaery might be blessed, considering how she’s come out on top in both relationships. Are we headed for a pairing of Queen Low Cut and Joffrey’s younger brother, the future king? It certainly seems that way.

Speaking of Joffrey’s younger brother, he’s being groomed by grandfather to become king. Pop-Pop Tywin asks him questions similar to those asked by the Bridge Keeper in Monty Python and the Holy Grail.

Tywin asks King Newbie what is the most important quality for a king to possess. Tywin walks King Newbie to the answer being wisdom, which Tywin is happy to point out, he’s full of, so listen to Pop-Pop.

Up in the north, Sam decides that Gilly would be safer in a whorehouse than in Castle Black, because she might get raped at Castle Black. But who could ever get raped at a whorehouse? Samwell Tarly, brains of The Wall, people.  The whore who talks to Gilly looked like she stepped right off the stage of Les Miz. I wouldn’t have been surprised if the people in the whorehouse had broken out into Lovely Ladies as soon as Sam left. 

Also up in the north, the Wildlings are raiding a village. In my recap of Two Swords, I referred to the Wildling with the scars on his face as White Omar, but I won’t be doing that any longer, because when do you know Omar to ever take the life of a citizen? Omar only goes after players in the game. White Omar has no such code, and will now be referred to as Scarface.

The episode ends with Dany and company attempting to grow their army by freeing the slaves of another city. Has it only been one full episode since we last saw her? I think I was going through Khalesi withdrawal. Game of Thrones producers: Danaerys every episode, please! The city’s champion challenges Dany’s champion. In a funny display, the city’s champion shows off his manhood and takes a piss on the ground, really sticking it to the eunuchs in Dany’s army. Dany has to figure out who she wants to be her champion. She rules out a few people, including Friend Zone, as being too valuable, and really cements Friend Zone’s place in her world when she describes him as her most trusted adviser and best friend.

McDreamy points out that Dany can barely stand him, so he should be her champion. The fight that ensues was almost straight out of Raiders of the Lost Ark. I half-expected McDreamy to pull out a pistol.

Dany launches catapults over the city walls. They don’t do much damage…at least, not physically. The catapults launch barrels filled the collars of the freed slaves of Dany’s army. A slave picks one up, and you can tell that his owner in the background is about to have a very bad day.

*Just kidding. Martin didn’t write the teleplay for The Rains of Castamere,aka The Red Wedding, so main characters, you can go at any time! That said, whenever I see Martin get the writing credit for an episode, my first thought is, “Shit’s about to go down.”

Hey! Do you like Orphan Black? Well, if so, we’re now recapping Orphan Black starting with season 2! Check out the first episode of season two’s recap here!