August 20, 2017 by Billy Henehan

Game of Thrones – S7E6 – Beyond the Wall

Some ground rules for those of you new to these recaps. I started recapping back in season 4. Back then, I hadn’t yet read the books and after three seasons of binging DVDs, I still couldn’t remember most everyone’s names, so I gave them nicknames. Can you blame me? Half the men in the North are white guys with black hair and beards. We’re now in season 7, I’ve read all the books, but the nicknames have stuck. I hope you don’t mind.

Westeros’s favorite boy band is marching north. Tormund calls Winterfell the south.Tormund is hilarious. He is stealing the Best Line title away from Bronn in this scene. When Gendry asks him how he keeps warm, he replies, “Walking’s good. Fighting’s better. Fucking’s best.” When it’s pointed out that there isn’t a woman within 100 miles of here, he coyly replies, “We’ll have to do with what we’ve got.” I LOVE TORMUND.

Gendry doesn’t appreciate being sold to Smokey Vajayjay by the Brotherhood. The Hound points out that Gendry didn’t die, so what’s he whinging about. I have no idea how to spell whinging, but it basically means whining.

Lots of good lines here. Jon tells Jorah he’s glad Ned Stark never caught him. Jorah smoothly replies, “Me too.”Jon gives Longclaw to Jorah. Jon’s the best. Jorah gives it back. Guys, one of you please keep that sword. It’s valyrian steel and you’re headed to the White Walkers.

Arya is casting shade on Sansa. She reads Sansa’s letter to Robb from when Sansa asked Robb to come to King’s Landing and bend the knee. Arya is basically calling Sansa Fredo. Sansa wants to know what Arya’s going to do with the letter. This isn’t going to end well.

Arya’s one arrow that she had to keep picking up and carry back her firing point story sounds like she’s telling Sansa her planned commencement address when she speaks to this year’s grads at Winterfell U.

Back to the North Boys. North Boyz? North Boyz. The Hound and Tormund are talking. Well, Tormund is talking and the Hound is doing everything he can to get out of the conversation, but it only eggs Tormund on further. Whoever wrote this episode loves Tormund. Tormund is like Drax from Guardians of the Galaxy. No subtlety. It’s great. And he gets another best line candidate when the Hound asks how a mad fucker like him has lived this long. Tormund’s reply: “I’m good at killing people”

Beric starts up a conversation with Jon.”You don’t look much like him, your father” Yeah, duh, because Ned isn’t his dad. The funny thing is that Catlyn always thought Jon did look like Ned. It was all she saw. But maybe that was her pain talking. Beric is a dumb name. I’m going back to calling him One Eye. When Jon quote the Night’s Watch creed of being shields defending the realms of men, One Eyes says, “Maybe that’s enough.” Maybe That’s Enough should be the title of North Boyz’s first single.

Dany tells Tyrion that she likes him because he’s not a hero. You’ve got a real way with words there, Dany. When Tyrion asks her to name some heroes, Dany only names people who are in love with her. Tyrion is quick to point that out. After Tyrion teases her about Jon, he second guesses her decision for killing the Tarleys again. Then he wants to know who gets the Iron Throne in case Dany dies. This isn’t going well with his boss. Boy, Tyrion just keeps getting poor performance reviews.

Back to the North Boyz. It is snowing! Who’s walking ahead? Why would anyone walk that far ahead? Dude’s like 20 feet ahead of everyone. Tormund spots a bear in the distance. Apparently, the lead guy doesn’t because he keeps walking after everyone stops. Gendry asks if bears have blue eyes. How the hell did Gendry see the color of the bear’s eyes in the snow at that distance? Welp, lead guy went down fast. He became a meal for the zombie bear. Who was that guy, anyway? North Boyz brought some extras. Should we call those guys the opening act? One Eye and Thoros light their swords on fire. Fire swords at the ready! If you’ve got metal swords that can ignite, why would you ever not have them ignited? Cue the angry fan boys in the comments with why I’m idiot and their swords igniting is a trick and I’m not a real fan and yadda yadda yadda.

After slicing into the zombie bear with fire swords, do you know what you get? Flaming zombie bear! Way to make the zombie bear scarier, Thoros and One Eye! Flaming zombie bear charges the Hound. The Hound freezes up. Thoros pushes him out of the way and gets a nasty flaming zombie bear bite as a reward. Tormund tries saving Thoros but is knocked back. Jorah charges in and stabs the flaming zombie bear with a dagger. Jorah’s arm catches fire. Arm on fire? No problem for Friendzone! Damn Jorah, why aren’t you this badass when Dany is watching?

Thoros is hurting. Jorash says to get him back to Eastwatch. Thoros won’t go. He just guzzles some wine or mead. One Eye cauterizes his wound and they keep moving.

Littlefinger and Sansa are meeting. Sansa is worried about Arya and that letter. Littlefinger has “no idea” how Arya got the letter. Wink. Wink. “No idea” “at all.” Nudge. Nudge. Sansa is worried that Arya will turn Jon’s army against her. Look at Littlefinger worming his way back in Sansa’s life. This fucking guy.

Oh damn. The North Boyz spot the dead army, who are marching single files. That’s quite the orderly formation, dead army. This really is like the worst plan ever. How do you cherry pick one zombie off that line without every other zombie coming after you?

A White Walker comes upon their fire. C’mon guys… Oh wait, ha, it’s a trap. Time to rumble! Jon slices through the White Walker and all the zombies go down with him. Whoa! They’re like vampires. Kill the vampires who made the made some vampires and they die too…depending on which vampire book you’re reading. (Cue the angry Anne Rice fans telling us “Well, here’s how vampires really are…”) Correction. All the zombies go down except one. They try to corral him. Tormund cold cocks him and the Hound jumps on him. The zombie screams like my toddler does when she wants milk. Jon’s like “Uh-oh, who heard that?” Hurry up and hogtie him cause there’s more where that came from! Jon’s tells Genrdry to run, get to Eastwatch and send a raven to Dany. Go! Tormund takes his hammer. “You’re faster without it.” Good point. Plus, it is a bitchin’ warhammer. They all run from the horde. Uh oh. The frozen lake is cracking. Uh oh. It’s all frozen lake in every direction. Oh hey, an undead horde is behind them! Hmm cracks or zombies? Run! Run! Run! Run. Damn, zombies are fast! Zombies are overtaking the North Boyz and flanking them. The Boyz get surrounded fast. Someone falls back. Who? Damn this is stressful. And now they’re surrounded. The ice cracks all around them. Zombies pour into the water like lemmings. The zombies realize going under isn’t the best plan and stop at the crack. Um…The zombies are like 10 deep now in every direction. Oh, they fucked.

Meanwhile, Gendry runs. Hopefully no one is behind him. Or in front of him. Gotta work on that cardio Gendry.

The Boyz are waiting it out. This isn’t looking good.

Gendry passes out practically at the door of Eastwatch! What the hell? Get up, Gendry!!!! Dude, you’re lik e 30 feet for the finish line. Davos runs out to him. Gendry says, “We need to send a raven.”

Jon and the Boyz are still waiting it out with their newest member, Growly. Hound kicks Growly. All the rest of the undead murmur. Interesting. It’s like The Walking Dead meet Tomax and Xamot. Thoros is dead. Uh, they gotta chop off his head or burn him. Hound takes his wine and starts swigging. Guys, he’s about to become a zombie. Jon finally says they have to burn his body and takes the wine from the Hound.

One Eye does his sword on fire trick and they burn Thoros. Man, that trick always looks cool. Jorah tells Jon that they’ll all freeze soon, and so will the water. He says this as he walks away from campfire Thoros. Jorah wants to go for the Walkers to kill the zombies. One Eye is like let’s just kill the Night King. Sure, that’s easy. Super easy.

Sansa gets an invitation to King’s Landing. She’s not a dope, so she’s not going. Sansa is sending Brienne instead. I’m suddenly torn between my shipping of Brienne and Tormund, and my shipping of Brienne and Jaime. Brienne says it’s not safe to leave Sansa with Littlefinger. Why is Sansa insisting on sending her away? Is it because she’s worried Brienne will take out Arya if Arya tries something?

Dany, Tyrion and the dragons. Dany’s about to fly off to save Jon. Because love. Tyrion doesn’t want her to go. It’s too risky. Bee tee dubs, cool White Walker jacket, Dany. Side note: it’s weird seeing someone not dressed in black this season. Dany’s flying with all three dragons. Oh boy. Dragon express!

…And more waiting up north. Have all of the opening act died yet? The Hound is bored. He starts a snowball fights with the zombie. They don’t play along. The next rock he throws falls short. It doesn’t break the ice.Uh oh. The zombies notice that too. One starts walking forward. Then another. And another. Additional side note: flaming swords are cool. Did I mention that five times already? Possibly. The battle begins and I am stressed. Stressed!

The Hound throws down his giant hammer to start hitting zombies with a small ax instead. Sounds like a solid plan there.

Tormund is being overrun like he’s in the Opening Act and not the North Boyz proper. John calls for everyone to fall back. No, no letting Tormund die! Tormund is being piled on by zombies. They’re crawling up through the ice and start dragging him down. The Hound saves him! Oh man, that was intense! The dead keep charging. Another extra dies and welp, he’s a zombie. Jon is pissed. This is quickly looking like the Alamo. Westeros’s favorite boy band fights in slo mo, because SLO MO IS COOL.

Dragon time! Oh yeah, get you a girl who does both! Zombies hit the water as the ice melts. There are so many zombies that the dragons are breathing a lot of fire and still not getting them all. Dany reaches for Jon, but Jon tries to save everyone else. He fights off the zombies while everyone climbs up on Drogon’s back. A White Walker hands the Night King an ice lance. He just straight walks up nonchalantly to the heroes from the sid, throws the ice lance and OH SHIT, DEAD DRAGON!! Oh fuck! Oh damn! Does that mean…zombie dragon? The dragon falls under the ice. Everyone is shocked.

Jon and the Night King stare each other down. The White Walker at the Night King’s side prepares another lance. Jon yells, “Go now! Leave” and fights off the zombies approaching Dany and company. Dany doesn’t want to leave. But she can’t lose another dragon. Jon’s tackled through the ice and under the water. Drogon takes off. The Night King narrowly misses this throw. Jorah falls off Drogon’s back, but is caught by Tormund. Nice to see he’s put the whole hating Jorah’s dad thing behind him.

Dany’s still in shock. Totally understandable. She just lost one of her kids. And one of her keys to winning back the Seven Kingdoms. Looks like fans can stop theorizing who is going to be riding the third dragon. Too soon?

Jon climbs out of the freezing water. Thankfully, Longclaw is still on the ice and not sunk at the bottom of this frozen lake. Also thankfully, the horde of zombies and their bosses have all started to depart. But then they notice him. Uh-oh. Jon’s in no condition to fight. Not like that will stop him. He’s half frozen and can barely lift his sword. But he stands his ground. All of a sudden, a rider with a flaming mace cuts through the zombies. It’s Uncle Benjen! He throws Jon on his horse and tells him to ride for the pass. Jon tells him to come with him, but Benjen says there’s no time. This is Benjen’s last stand. He’s quickly overtaken, but provides enough of a distraction for Jon to get away. Jon rides home near dead.

The rest of the North Boyz throw the captured zombie in a boat. The Hound is taking the zombie alone, it seems. Dany is watching her ~~three~~ two dragons from up high at Eastwatch. Jorah says it’s time to go. Dany wants to wait a bit longer. Then a horn blares. A rider is approaching! It’s Jon! Oh, Dany was looking for any signs of Jon when she was looking out from that tower. Where’s Ed Sheeran when you need him? Cue the acoustic guitar, Ser Teddy. Dany keeps vigil over a passed out Jon Snow.

Down south in Winterfell, Sansa snoops around Arya’s room. She finds Arya’s faces. Arya catches her. Hey Arya, that dead-eyed, monotone composure? Not the best way for talking to people who are already stressed out with you. Arya wants to play the Game of Faces with Sansa, meaning Arya wants to hit Sansa with a stick. Damn girls, you’re being played by Littlefinger! Arya explains the faces to Sansa and sounds 100% looney tunes while she’s doing it. She grabs a knife and says that she can even become Sansa. She’s really channeling Nic Cage’s “I want to take his face…off” speech from Face Off here. She flips the knife, gives it to Sansa by the handle and stalks off.

Jon wakes up to Dany standing over him. She’s back in black. Jon apologizes. He’s the reason one of her children is dead. Dany isn’t sorry. She needed to see the army of the dead, the White Walkers and the Night King to believe. Dany pledges that they’ll destroy the Night King and his army together. Jon thanks her, and calls her Dany. Apparently no one has called her Dany on this show since her brother and things didn’t end well for him. Yikes. No one show her this blog.

Jon calls ~~Dany~~ Danearys his queen. He’d bend the knee, but he’s not in the best shape right now. Dany is holding his hand during this. They both notice and it’s slightly awkward. Just kiss already, you fools!

The Night King’s army reenact the opening scene of the Les Miserables movie and use giant, heavy chains to pull out the dragon from the icy depths! The Night King touches the dragon on its head. The dragon blinks its eyes open and they turn icy blue. Zombie Dragon! AHHHHHH! To quote Bronn at the beginning of the last episode, “We’re fucked.”

August 20, 2017 by Billy Henehan

Game of Thrones – S7E5 – Eastwatch

I like that they’re not putting much text in the synopsis on HBO GO. Not that I’d read it anyway, but it’s nice that they’re not trying to spoil things as I’m about to watch the episode. There are few things worse than accidentally reading too much synopsis info before you watch an episode for the first time. Okay, there are many things worse than that, but I’m just not a fan of spoilery synopsises.

Ooh, the title is Eastwatch. That’s the weak point in The Wall, right? We’re about to see Redbeard go to town against some White Walkers, aren’t we? I certainly hope so.

I’ve spent most of the past week telling people that I really hope Jaime doesn’t die. I know that the Lannisters are one of the bad guys on this show, but Jaime has joined Tyrion as likable Lannisters. Sure, he was a shit in season one, but a lot has changed since then. Yes, yes, he’s still banging his sister, I never said he was perfect.

Bronn lives! Jaime lives! Yayyy! Remember, you can’t spell Bronn without bro. Bronn is the best. Oh, Jaime was aiming for Dany last episode, not Drogon? For some reason, I thought Jaime was trying to shove a spear down the dragon’s throat. When Jaime says I have to tell Cersei about the dragons, Bronn says you may as well jump back in that river. Best Line Bronn strikes again!

Tyrion inspects the charred remains of the battlefield. Dothraki are scavenging. They’ve taken some prisoners too. People survived that attack who weren’t named Jaime or Bronn? I’m amazed. Damn, Drogon is big. I mean huge. Dany offers the captured men the option of bending a knee and living, or dying. At first not many do, but after one roar from Drogon, only a handful, including Lord Randyll Tarley and Dickon/Rickon. Dickon chooses to die alongside his father. Tyrion tries talking Dany out of killing both father and son. Um, Tyrion, why are you second guessing your boss in front of everyone? Would you do this if she was a man? The Tyrells both burn. After that, everyone bends the knee.

Jaime fills in Cersei on what happened. Jaime’s like “We’rrrreee fuckkkkkked.” Jaime also tells Cersei about Olenna’s confession. She doesn’t believe him at first, but when she does, she agrees with me from last week, Olenna should have died a bloody death after making that revelation.

Jon comes face to face with Drogon. Drogon comes screaming at Jon and gets up in his face. Jon reaches out a hand and pets Drogon. Dany looks like she’s in love. It just occured to me that Dany talks about her dragons being her children the same way that crazy cat ladies refer to their cats.

Jon and Dany are interrupted by the return of Friendzone! Dany calls him a friend twice in two minutes. Friendzone looks good. Dany gives him a friendly hug which he totally takes the wrong way. Classic Friendzone.

Bran is looking at the world through the eyes of ravens flying north. They fly to The Wall, and past it. They fly over the army of the dead. It’s like The Walking Dead meets D&D. The Night King stares at the ravens and they all break formation, knocking Bran out of his vision.

Down in Maestertown, the maesters are discussing Bran’s letter about the army of the dead. They’re quick to dismiss it. The maesters suck. They’re quick to dismiss everything. They are written like the classic stereotype of academics being stuck in their ivory towers not experiencing life out in the real world. They’re great at bureaucracy.

Tyrion and Varys are in agreement, neither is a fan of the burning Dany just did. Varys is doing a good job of filling Tyrion’s mind with doubts about Dany. What’s his angle?

Jon gets a scroll letting him know that Arya and Bran are alive and that the army of the dead is marching on Eastwatch. Tyrion suggests capturing a member of the dead army and bringing it to Cersei. They’re trying to figure out how to get one, and Friendzone is like, “I got this.” Friendzone totally sees the way Dany is looking at Jon. Bold move, FZ.

Up in Winterfell, all the lords are already willing to turn their backs on Jon and support Sansa. Meanwhile, Arya has become such a weird, little psycho. I remember when she was one of my favorites. That was the case all the way through last season. Now that she’s back in Winterfell, she comes across like a stalkery psychopath. She’s also a little too weirded out about Sansa taking mom and dad’s room at Winterfell.

Davos and Tyrion sneak into King’s Landing. Wait, aren’t they doing this out of order? Shouldn’t they have the zombie soldier first and then sneak into King’s Landing.

Bronn facilitates a meeting between Jaime and Tyrion. Good thing you saved Jaime’s life at the beginning of this episode, Bronn.

Davos heads to Fleabottom, the Tenderloin of King’s Landing. Who’s that faceless swordmaker? Could it be? It is! Gendry! Davos wants to grab Gendry. Gendry has a badass warhammer and is ready to roll. Uh oh, soldiers spot them as they’re about to get in their boat. This is Davos at this best. When Davos is in smuggler mode, he turns into Lando Calrissian. Fermented crab! I love it! The gold cloaks spot Tyrion making his way back. When the men are dead set on not taking any more bribes, Gendry introduces them to his warhammer. It’s a quick and final introduction.

Qyburn is on his way out of Cersei’s chambers when Jaime approaches. Jaime tells Cersei about meeting with Tyrion. It’s met with silence. Which is met with more silence. Cersei already knew about his meeting with Tyrion. Nothing escapes this queen’s notice in King’s Landing anymore. Cersei wants Jaime to punish Bronn for letting this meeting happen. Sure, it’s not like Bronn just saved Jaime’s life at the start of this episode. Cersei then tells Jaime she’s preggers. She says she’s going to tell everyone it’s Jaime’s. They kiss. Gross. Not just because they’re brother and sister.

Davos is all like “Don’t tell anyone your name. Don’t tell anyone who you dad is.” to Gendry. Gendry’s like “okay,” and then immediately tells Jon who he is. Gendry wants to go north with Jon.

Tyrion trolls Jorah for a bit.I missed these two together.

When Dany looks at Jon, she looks like she’s listening to an Ed Sheeran song. Why isn’t Ed in the boat strumming an acoustic guitar for this scene??

It’s been so long since we’ve seen Sam’s girlfriend that I don’t even remember her name. She asks Sam what an annulment is and then drops a knowledge bomb on Sam and all of us! Rhaegar got an annulment and immediately remarried! Sam completely doest not a hear a words she’s saying because he’s seething at the bureaucracy of the maesters. He goes out and steals a bunch of books and scrolls from the library. Such a bad boy that Sam. Sam, Gilly, (! That’s her name! Took me a minute…) and Gilly’s son ride out of town. Sam says he tired of reading about the achievements of better men. Yeahhh, Sam!

Littlefinger is paying some lady for information. Arya is fully bathed in light as she spies on him, but when he looks, she’s gone. She follows him all over the city, not doing the best job at trying to stay hidden. But stay hidden she does. Arya breaks into Littlefinger’s room. She finds a scroll that Littlefinger hid in his mattress. It’s that letter that Sansa wrote to Robb at Cersei’s behest. Oh, you just got played, Arya. Littlefinger wanted you to find it!

Yay, Tormund is back! Tormund brings Jon and friends to a cell where The Hound, Beric and Thoros are sitting. They also want to go north of the wall. Problem: Grendy hates Beric. Redbeard doesn’t like Jorah for being a Mormont. They venture north. It’s like Game of Thrones, Reservoir Dogs, Magnificent Seven, and the Backstreet Boys all mashed up into one! It’s the Game of Thrones Dream Team! It’s the North Boyz!

August 8, 2017 by Billy Henehan

Game of Thrones – S7E4 – The Spoils of War

As the episode begins, the Lannister army on the march. Man, talk about a literal reversal in fortune for the Lannisters over the last few episodes. They were on what seemed like the losing side of the war and were basically being foreclosed on by the Iron Bank. Now, they’ve taken out some of Dany’s top allies and are marching caravan full of gold back to King’s Landing. For his part in all this, Bronn gets paid with a big bag of gold. It’s not enough for him. Bronn wants a castle. Bronn was promised a castle. He specifically wants Highgarden. Jaime tries to talk him out of it, saying that Highgarden is too hard to defend and Bronn could lose it to Dany within a week of them giving it to him. He preaches patience to Bronn – wait until the end of the war, and he’ll have his pick of castles.

Tycho, the creepy looking dude from the Iron Bank, is excited. He compares Cersei to her father for the second time in as many episodes. The Iron Bank just got paid in full and they’re eager to re-up Cersei. Well, just as soon as the gold gets delivered. That’s not foreshadowing at all. What could possibly go wrong with the gold train? Also, did the Game of Thrones casting director not realize that Ian McDiarmid is still alive? Why cast a guy who kinda looks like the Emperor from Star Wars when you can cast the actual Emperor?

Up in Winterfell, Littlefinger gives Bran that knife from season one that belonged to Tyrion, the one that was used in the failed assassination attempt. This is Littlefinger’s dagger, right? I mean, it was originally Tyrion’s, but then it was stolen and we all agree Littlefinger was behind the assassin, right? Or am I misremembering something? Littlefinger say, “I imagine you’ve seen things most men wouldn’t believe.” Bran replies, “Chaos is a ladder,” referencing back to a Littlefinger line from back in season 3. Litterfinger actually gets quiet. I like this parlor trick of Bran’s. “Hey watch while I tell you something about which there’s no possible way I should know.” Bran denies being Lord Stark when Littlefinger calls him that. This is just like when Prince stopped wanting to be called Prince. Just like it.

Frog Girl is leaving. She wants to be with her family when the army of the dead arrives. Talk about a downer. She wants Bran to say that he needs her. But Bran’s the Three Eyed Raven now and has all the people skills of Sheldon from The Big Bang Theory.

Arya rides to Winterfell. The guards don’t believe she’s who she says she is and tell her to be on her way. Arya persists and points out to the guards that if she is who she says she is and Sansa finds out they turned her away, they’ll be in trouble. While the two bonehead guards are trying to figure out who should tell Sansa, Arya sneaks off. Sansa and Arya reunite in the crypts by the statue of their dead dad. Arya asks, “Do I have to call you Lady Stark now?” Sansa responds, “Yes.” Man, post-Joffrey Sansa is great. Remember when she was the worst? She hasn’t had as extreme a likability arch as Jaime has had, but she’s definitely so much better now than she was in season one. Wow, Sansa really towers over Arya. Has Arya grown since season one? Brann, Sansa and Arya reunite. All that’s missing in Jon Snow to make this Stark family reunion complete. Bran gives Arya the dagger. It’s Valerian steel. I’m willing to bet dollars to doughnuts that she knifes Littlefinger with it.

Missandei is talking to Dany. Missandei is worried that there hasn’t been any word from the Unsullied. Dany is wondering why Missandei is worried about Grey Worm so much right now. Dany asks, “What happened?” To which Missandei replies, “Many things.” I was hoping Emelia Clarke would break character and just let out an “Awwwww yeah! Boom chicka bow bow.” No dice. Before that can happen, Jon interrupts them. Jon found the dragonglass! That’s a lot of dragonglass. He also shows Dany all these zany hieroglyphics that the Children of the Forest made. Jon, come on, you drew these. Jon then gives Dany Jack’s “Live together, die alone” speech from Lost. Dany wants Jon to bend the knee first. Just kiss her, you fool! What? Dany’s parents were brother and sister. And so were her grandparents. Aunt-nephew is better than that, right? Right?

Tyrion lets Dany know they took Casterly Rock. He’s not excited. He fills her in on what happened at the end of the last episode. I feel like I wrote that sentence last week too. Dany is starting to doubt Tyrion’s commitment to her cause, toying with the idea that he’s more loyal to his family. Tyrion is getting a poor rating from his manager. That’s mad! Just like your dad! Don’t say that to her. Dany wants to fly the dragons right to the Red Keep and just burn the place. She asks Jon for advice. Jon tells Dany basically to Think Different. Thanks, Steve Jobs.

Pod and Brienne are training. Arya stops by to say hi. Arya wants to train with Brienne, because Brienne beat the Hound. Holy cow, Arya is X-23 from Logan. Littlefinger is with Sansa on the catwalk above and just keeps looking at her like, “Your sister, what a weirdo, right?” Someone please stab Littlefinger.

Jon, Davos and Missandei are talking. Missandei doesn’t understand how Jon’s a bastard. She explains, “We don’t have marriage in Naath, so the concept of a bastard doesn’t exist.” She goes on to say that she and the rest of Dany’s army don’t care whose daughter she is. “She’s the queen we chose” She’s so compelling that Davos asks Jon, “Would you forgive me if I switch sides?”

Theon shows up in the one Greyjoy ship left. That’s a sad sight. Jon and Theon reunite! Oh wait, Jon ain’t happy to see Theon. Oh right, Jon knows all about Theon taking Winterfell and thinks that Theon killed Bran and Rickon. Theon’s lucky Jon doesn’t stab him right there. Though maybe that’s what would make Theon happy at this point.

Bronn, Jaime and the Tarleys are leading the gold march from Highgarden to King’s Landing. Bronn is such a lovable asshole. Jaime confuses Tarley’s son’s name, calling him Rickon when it should be Dickon. Bronn finds this and the name Dickon funny and lets it be known how funny he finds it. God, I love Bronn. Please don’t kill him. Bronn gets the best line of the episode when he tells Rickon/Dickon “Didn’t they teach you that at Fancy Lad School?”

Uh oh. What’s that noise. Uh oh. Dany coming. Dothraki are on the move. Bronn wants Jaime to get out of there. Jaime’s all for staying. Then Drogan shows up and you can almost see Jaime shit himself. Dany roasts a bunch of Lannisters. The Dothradki ride through the flame. Oh man, this is one sided. Please don’t kill Bronn. This fight is very Warhammery. Some of you know exactly what I mean. Dickon saves Jaime. Bronn gets knocked off his horse and loses his bag of gold. Don’t go for the money, Bronn! Dead men go for the money! Bronn fights his way to the Scorpion. Don’t die. don’t die. Don’t die. Bronn loads the Scorpion.

Whoa, Tyrion is at this battle too? Tyrion spots Jaime. Dany comes in for a final pass by. Everyone is basically burned except for Bronn and Jaime. Bronn fire and misses. Bronn reloads. Bronn with the direct hit. Dany’s going down. Uh oh for Bronn and Jaime, Drogon’s okay. Drogon somehow doesn’t kill Bronn when he burns the Scorpion.

Jaime grabs a spear and charges Dany. Tyrion and I both are telling Jaime not to do it. Just as Drogan is about to roast Jaime, Bronn saves Jaime by jumping off his horse and tackling Jaime into the water. But Jaime’s got a solid metal hand and is wearing full armor. He sinks like a stone. The screen goes black and everyone in my apartment literally says “Ugggghhhhhhhhhhhhh!”

Anyone else thing the Cinematographer on Game of Thrones just watched Get Out? Jaime looks like he was just hypnotized by Catherine Keener.

August 8, 2017 by Billy Henehan

Game of Thrones – S7E3 – The Queen’s Justice

Immediately when I’m loading up this episode, I’m thinking about the title. The Queen’s Justice. Which queen is it referring to? Cersei? Dany? Sansa? All of them?

Davos and Jon Snow come ashore at Dragonstone to start the episode. Tyrion and Missendei meet them. As Jon and Davos are being escorted up to Dany, Dragon does flyby. Jon and Davos are understandably shaken.

Smoky Vajayjay is watching Jon from a distance as he climbs the steps of Dragonstone. She’s bouncing. That makes sense, considering that both Davos and Jon said they’d kill her if they saw her again. It’s interesting seeing Vajayjay admit she made terrible mistakes. Then she gets all ominous and says to Varys, “I have to die in this strange country. Just like you.” Sidebar for a second: Is it me or did Varys get tan, a little too tan, between seasons? He looks much darker than he did at the end of last season. Dragonstone looks like it’s Wales. How is anyone getting a tan there?

Finally, Dany and Jon meet. This is the moment we’ve been waiting for since the posters went up around town with both of them on it. It’s tense. Dany’s getting a lot of pent up anger off her chest. She’s got a chip on her shoulder for the Starks. Dany wants Jon to bend the knee and pledge his men in her fight against Cersei. Jon’s like, “Ummm, we’ve got bigger problems. Bee tee dubs, can I borrow a dragon?”

Varys interrupts and fills in Dany on what happened at the end of last episode with the Greyjoys. Ruh-roh.

Speaking of which, let’s cut to wreckage that was Asha’s fleet. Hey, Theon lives! He’s hauled up onto a boat. He tells the Iron Islanders on the boat that Euron took Asha and he tried to save her. It’s immediately pointed out that if Theon really tried to save her, he wouldn’t be alive right now. Oooh, sick burn.

Down in King’s Landing, Uncle Euron parades the Sand Snakes, Asha, and Slutty Princess Leia through the streets. All the city comes out for the parade. Euron is eating it up. Asha and company are spat upon and have rotting food thrown their way. They’re all brought before Cersei in her throne room. You can almost see the exact moment when Jaime realizes he’s now #2 in Cersei’s eyes. I look forward to Jaime killing Euron. Man, the Mountain looks like the Destroyer from Thor.

Euron wants Cersei’s hand in marriage as his prize. Cersei says she’ll marry Euron after the war is won. That’s good enough for Euron, who sidles up next to Jaime and asks, “Does she like it gentle or rough? A finger in the bum?” Oh man, Euron! That’s effed up. I kind of wish this episode was titled, A Finger in the Bum?

Ellaria Sand is locked up in a dungeon across from her daughter, I forget which one. I think it’s Dagger. It’s impossible for me to remember the Sand Snakes names. It’s the cuter of the three if that helps. Cersei tells Ellaria, “You can’t imagine how that feels unless you’ve lost your own child.” Uh-oh. Cersei plants a kiss on Ellaria’s daughter, poisoning her the same way Ellaria poisoned Myrcella. Cersei tells Ellaria she’s going to watch her daughter die, then watch her daughter rot. That’s effed up. I’m stating to think Cersei and Euron are really made for each other. That’s cool with me. It frees Jaime up to bro it up around Westeros with Bronn. Remember kids, you can’t spell Bronn without bro!

I’m not saying Cersei blows Jaime in this next scene because Cersei wants Jaime to do something. But I’m not not saying that either. Cersei lets a page in without hiding Jaime post-coitus. Damn, Cersei is brazen. She doesn’t care who sees them as sibling-fuckers. She’s got the Iron Throne now.

Cersei meets some dude from the Iron Bank. He has all the charm of Emperor Palpatine. He’s there to let her know that Iron Bank isn’t going to be lending them any more money and that Dany looks like the better horse to bet on in this race. Like any deadbeat, Cersei tells the banker to give her two more weeks. I’m sure he’s heard that before.

Remember when Sansa was the worst? Not anymore. She’s bossing like a boss in Winterfell. She immediately recognizes that Winterfell doesn’t have enough food to last more than a year, and since winters in Westoros can go on much longer than that, and they made me under siege by the army of the dead at some point in the near future, she’s coming up with solutions. She needs more food brought to Winterfell now. While Sansa is dealing with this, Bran shows up at the gate! Stark reunion! I was hoping for Arya, but still, this is great. Sansa tells Bran he’s Lord of Winterfell now. Bran says he can’t be the Lord of Winterfell, he’s the Three Eeyed Raven. Ugh, right, that’s why I hate Bran storylines.

Friend Zone is being inspected. He looks a bit better. He’s no longer infectious. Sam takes a two handed handshake from Jorah. Ballsy, Sam. This dude was a stone leper yesterday.

Sam gets balled out by the Maester he reports to. Yes, Sam saved Jorah, but he could have caused a mass infection of their whole area. But the Maester likes Sam’s moxie. He’s impressed that Sam was able to do what he did. Sam downplays it, basically saying he just took his time. Classic Sam: do the unthinkable and play it down. Sam’s reward is being turned into a human copying machine. The maester explains that while he might be impressed by Sam’s work, Sam still broke the rules.

Dany wants to send the dragons after Euron. Missandei isn’t so sure. She asks, “What will they face?” Varys says it’s “A difficult situation.” Then Dave Matthews chimed in with: “A difficult time..two many choices.” Just kidding. No Dave Matthews appearance today. Ed Sheeran: 1, Dave Matthews: 0.

Tyrion narrates over the Unsullied’s battle at Casterly Rock. This is shot really cool, first with Tyrion saying how it would be expected to go down, with Casterly Rock being impregnable, even to the Unsullied. It ends bad. But then Tyrion reveals that his father put him in charge of designing the sewer system in Casterly Rock, a task Tyrion used to make sure there were ways he could sneak whores in and out of the city. The Unsullied use Tyrion’s whore-holes around the city and catch the guards unaware. They take Casterly Rock easily! Maybe too easily. Greyworm is wondering where the other Lannister soldiers are. Uh oh. Eurons’s ships arrive at Casterly Rock and immediately work on sinking the Unsullied’s rides.

Where are the rest of the Lannisters? They’re marching on Highgarden. Sneaky play, Jaime. Oh hey, it’s Bronn! I hope he lives. Let’s make a deal, Game of Thrones. No killing Bronn. Grandma looks out from her tower over the invading Lannister army. Wow, that’s a high tower she’s watching from. Jaime takes Grandma’s castle so quickly, it happened between scene cuts. Jaime offers Grandma mercy, pouring her a poisoned glass of wine. She won’t suffer. Grandma brings up Joffrey, “He really was a cunt, wasn’t he?” Grandma admits to poisoning Joffrey after she drinks Jaime’s poison. And then tells him, “Tell Cersei. I want her to know it was me.” I thought Jaime was going to decapitate her right there. Nope, he just storms out. Seriously, what’s the point of showing Grandma mercy now, after she admitted to poisoning your son? Jaime should have sent her on a “Bran’s leap” out the tower window.

Welp, there’s no confusing which queen title was referring to, is there?

July 31, 2017 by Billy Henehan

Game of Thrones – S7E2 – Stormborn – Recap

It’s raining hard in Dragonstone. Dany’s holding a war meeting with all of her major allies. That’s a major theme of this episode: meetings. Lots of medieval people sitting around conference room tables in this episode. Dany calls Varys out on his lifelong bullshit. Varys tries to make himself come across like a man of the people. His sounds about as convincing as Donald Trump (so…really convincing for some of you and really not convincing for the rest of you?). Smokey Vajayjay visits Dany. She wants Dany to team up with Jon Snow. Tyrion thinks it’s a good idea. Dany’s down for the idea, but wants Jon to bend the knee. Every Queen wants Jon to bend the knee. Oh yeah, this is going to end well.

Ravens travel fast, fast enough to arrive in time for the next scene. Up north, Sansa is worried that the raven from Tyrion is an invitation into a trap. Jon hears what she’s saying, but Dany has dragons and Jon needs a dragon to fight the zombies.

Down in King’s Landing, Cersei is holding her own meeting with her lieutenants. She only refers to Dany as the Mad King’s Daughter. It’s like her version of “Crooked Hilary.” There are far fewer lords in this meeting hall than we’ve seen in previous calls from the crown. Creepy Hand says he has a solution to Dany’s dragons. After the meeting, Jaimie offers Lord Tarly a head generalship to ensure his loyalty. Tarley explains he’s sworn fealty to the Tyrells. If you have “drink when someone makes a sideways comment to Jaime about killing the former king” on your bingo card, it’s time to line up another shot.

At the Citadel, Friend Zone ain’t looking too good. That maester that Sam is interning for isn’t too subtle when he hints that Jorah should kill himself.

Creepy Hand and Cersei are checking out the dragon skeletons in the basement of the castle. Creepy Hand shows off the giant crossbows he’s making to fight the dragons. The giant crossbow bolt shatters the skull of the largest dragon skull in the basement.

Dany’s holding another meeting. So many meetings. This episode should have been called, “Meetings, Right?” Ellaria and the Greyjoys want to storm King’s Landing. Tyrion thinks it’s a bad play. Dany sides with Tyrion, even quoting a line he told her earlier in the episode, saying “I’m not here to be queen of ashes.”Tyrion reveals his plans. He wants the armies of Tyrells , Greyjoys and Dorne to lay siege to King’s Landing. Oh hey, Grandma is here too. She’s not keen on her people being used to lay siege to King’s Landing while the Unsullied sit on their thumbs. That’s when Tyrion reveals what he has in mind for the Unsullied. They’re going to take his family home of Casterly Rock and the gold inside it.

After the meeting, Dany and Grandma have a mini-meeting. Grandma tells her, “The lords in Westeros are sheep. Are you a sheep? No. Be a ~~wolf~~ dragon.” Man, the writers of season seven really love Training Day. That’s two episodes in a row that reminded me of this scene.

Back at Dragonstone, Missandei walks in on Grey Worm. I forgot these two were an item. Oh hey, breasts. I feel like we haven’t seen those in a while. Remember when this show was naked people like every other scene? When Grey Worm is telling Missandei how he feels about her, I keep expecting him to say “I am just a Grey Worm standing in front of a girl asking her to love him.” Missandei strips him, but he stops her. He’s a never nude. His full name is Tobias Funkgrey. But Missandei (and her nakedness) convinces him. They straight up kiss butt-ass naked with the door open. Hey guys, maybe close that door? Greyworm mounts her. Umm, that door still is open. You know Varys likes to watch. And then Greyworm heads south. More like Wormtongue, am I right? New nickname!

Sam the Intern says he found a possible cure for Friend Zone’s greyscale. Unfortunately, the cure is now forbidden. Like that’s going to stop Mr. Sam “I do forbidden things” Tarley.

Friend Zone is writing his suicide note when Sam shows up, ready to do the forbidden. Sam pulls out the cure recipe from his ancient textbook. It would suck if the pages are stuck together like when Rachel tried making that multilayered trifle on Thanksgiving on that episode of Friends.

Sam cuts off some greyscale. Jorah looks like burnt meat. Don’t look, Jorah.

The greyscale looks like chicken pot pie. Oh wait, that is chicken pot pie. Arya is in a pub. Oh hey, it’s Hot Pie! When was the last time we saw him? Hot Pie tells her about Jon being King in the North. Arya hops on her horse and heads north. Cersei will have to wait.

Jon’s maester brings a reaven from Sam. Dragonstone sits on a mountain of dragonglass. Looks like Jon is headed to Dragonstone. Everyone wants him to stay. Jon’s leaving Sansa in charge. All of a sudden, Sansa looks like, “well in that case, say hi to my husband Tyrion for me!” Littlefinger looks downright giddy about being left up in Winterfell with Sansa without Jon hovering around.

Littlefinger sees Jon off before he goes, because that’s just a Littlefinger thing to do. Guy can’t leave well enough alone. Jon isn’t having any bullshit from Littlefinger and immediately gets all big brother when he announces, “Touch my sister and I’ll kill you myself.”

In the woods, Arya’s horse is spooked. Wolves, a bunch of them, are what’s causing it. Leading the wolves is a giant wolf, you know, a dire wolf. It’s Nymeria, Arya’s long-lost wolf from season one! Arya wants Nymeria to come north with her. Nymeria slinks off. Arya’s hurt, but understands.

On the Greyjoy’s ship, Asha and Slutty Princess Leia are about to get it on. SLP wants Theon to join in. But before you can say brother/sister threesome that would make Cersei and Jaime proud, Euron attacks. Oh boy, does Euron attack. Euron looks like a poor man’s Liev Schreiber. Euron takes out Spear and Whip and then quickly has a knife to Asha’s throat. The only one who can save her in Theon. Unfortunately, Theon turns to Reek at that moment and jumps overboard. Euron laughs and sails off, leaving Theon surrounded by the broken ships of his sister’s fleet.

No Ed Sheeran sighting this episode. Maybe next time, Ed.

July 19, 2017 by Billy Henehan

Game of Thrones: S7E1 – Dragonstone

Game of Thrones is back! And so are my recaps! Some ground rules for those of you new to these recaps of mine. I started out as someone who didn’t read the books. And because there are so many characters, many of who look alike, I’ve given a lot of them nicknames to keep them straight. Despite years of watching (and rewatching this show), and now having now read the books, I still find myself using my nicknames. It doesn’t help that the break between seasons was long enough for me to forget some of the lesser characters names. But enough about that, on with the recap!

Previously on Game of Thrones: Cersei killed everyone. Seriously, everyone. RIP Queen Low Cut. Your reign was cut as short as your tops.

The episode starts off with Walder Frey and I’m immediately confused. Didn’t Arya kill him? Ohhhh, wait, this is Arya isn’t it. My favorite part of Arya’s speech was when she said, “Leave one wolf alive and the sheep are never safe.” Arya strikes me a big Training Day fan. King Kong doesn’t have shit on Arya. Ooooh and she smiled aas she walked out of the room. Arya has basically cemented herself as the most bad ass character on Game of Thrones.

As a side note, I love when actors have to play two roles at the same time. David Bradley does a great job playing Arya playing Walder. It reminds me of Nicholas Cage and John Travolta in Face Off.

I love watching the credits during the first episode of the new season. It’s like a game of “spot the new stuff.” Old Town is definitely new in the credits, right? I had no idea what that place was. I assumed it was Dany’s new HQ, but realized later in the episode it’s where Sam is hanging out.

The episode starts out with a long shot of a snowy field. It’s like minutes and minutes of “Hey look. It’s winter.” The Night King slowly rides towards the camera. Maybe it’s that I just saw the Bill Viola Electronic Renaissance exhibit in Florence, but this shot reminded me a lot of Viola’s The Crossing. That’s right, sometimes I go highbrow.

He’s followed by his Night Lieutentants on horseback, followed by a horde of walking dead. This march seems like an accidental tribute to Dawn of the Dead director George A. Romero, who passed away the same day this episode aired. RIP George A. Romero.

We cut to Bran, who is being dragged through the snow by Frog Girl. This is shot very much like Luke entering Jabba’s Palace in Return of the Jedi. Jon’s pals aren’t sure if they believe it’s really Brandon Stark until Bran pulls some Miss Cleo voodoo on them and tells them about themselves from stuff he’s seen when he’s the raven. It’s weird. Ugh. Bran is easily my the least favorite Stark. Bran at the Wall. Wow, the Wall is covered in white. Winter is here.

Jon’s holding a meeting. He wants dragon glass. And he wants women to fight as well. This is met with some resistance. Look guys, the future is female. Jon wants the Free Folk to defend Eastwatch By The Sea. Readbeard has a great line where he says, “Looks like we’re the night’s watch now.” I love you, Redbeard.

We see the first rift between Sansa and Jon. Sansa wants the anyone who sided with Ramsey stripped of their lands. Jon’s being a little more forgiving. Hey guys, maybe not in front of the whole assembly? Meanwhile, Littlefinger is all Kermit drinking Lipton tea watching this go down.

Jon calls on Lord Umber and Alys Karstark. They’re the heirs of their family lands and people. They’re also kids! Jon doesn’t care. He asks for their loyalty, and these kids whip out their swords and pledge it to him.

Sansa warns Jon not be dumb like Ned and Robb. She makes a line about them both losing their heads that’s both literal and figurative. Remember when Sansa was the worst? So much has changed over the years! Despite their disagreement, Sansa thinks Jon’s a good leader and good at ruling. Jon gets a raven from Cersei demanding he comes to King’s Landing to bend a knee. Jon’s like “Whatever. She’s 1,000 miles away and I’ve got a Night King to worry about.” Sansa warns him not to underestimate the new queen.

Down in King’s Landing, Cersei is overseeing Michelangelo as he paints the Westerosi version of the Sistine Chapel. It’s a map of her kingdom. When Jaime enters the room, Michelangelo takes his leave to go work on his statue of David. Cersei points out on the map where all their enemies are. TL; DR: their enemies are in every direction. Wait, Cersei still blames Tyrion for Joffrey’s death? She never figured out it was really Princess Low Cut’s grandma. Huh, I didn’t realize that. Jaime gets in some good points, saying “Right now, we look like the losing side.” When Cersei says she’s Queen of the Seven Kingdoms, Jaime counters with “Three kingdoms at best.”

Euron pays a visit. He looks like he should be the new lead singer of Drive Shaft. Is everyone dressed in black? Even the Mountain has a new black armor. I get Cersei and Jaime being dressed in black; they’re mourning. But even the king’s queen’s guard? Their armor wasn’t black after Joffrey’s death. Is this because of that giant “accident” that caused everyone in Baelor’s Sept to die at the end of last season? #610insidejob #cerseididit

Euron proposes to Cersei, but she turns him down. He says he’s going to return for her with a priceless gift. Priceless gift? Who’s Euron hunting? Tyrion?

Sam at the library is the library in Oldtown. Oh wow, this is some montage. R Kelly interns have it better than Sam. This is literally the shittiest montage ever. Someone please make a gif of this sam montage. I want Sam’s gagging noise as my new ringtone.

Sam wants access to the forbidden section of the library. While one of the maesters does believe his story about seeing White Walkers, he still won’t give Sam access to the forbidden section. The old maester says “The Wall has stood through it all,” which immediately makes me think The Wall is going to crumble by the end of this episode.

Brienne and Redbeard are my favorite couple on this whole show. Ever. I would totally watch a Brienne and Tormund sitcom.

What! Ed Sheeran! Holy shit! Forget what I said. I’m now shipping Arya and Ed. The soldiers are surprisingly good to Arya. It disarms her. Arya’s like “I really want to kill you guys but you’re being really nice to me.” Even in Westeros, Ed Sheeran makes all the white girls panties drop.

Throwback to the time I was a Lannister

A post shared by Ed Sheeran (@teddysphotos) on Jul 16, 2017 at 7:09pm PDT

I’m hoping for a TSwizzle cameo next week.

Sup

A post shared by Ed Sheeran (@teddysphotos) on Jul 18, 2017 at 4:24pm PDT

The Hound and Robin Hood. They ride up to the house where Arya left The Hound. Stopping by the house where he knifed that guy and left him for dead over some silver is bringing up bad memories for The Hound. I like that The Hound finally has a heart. The Hound looks into the flames. He’s asked what he sees. He does not see Sirius Black. He has a vision in the flame. The dead are going to pour through Eastwatch by the Sea. The Hound stays up late burying the people he killed. He even says he’s sorry they’re dead and they deserve better. Awww, good Hound. Good Hound.

Big up @maisie_williams

A post shared by Ed Sheeran (@teddysphotos) on Jul 18, 2017 at 12:53pm PDT

Sam is reading his book from the forbidden section. He reads that there is a mountain of dragon glass under Dragonstone. He writes Jon. Well, now we know how Dany and Jon are going to meet.

First time @itsbennyblanco has seen an episode, here’s his review

A post shared by Ed Sheeran (@teddysphotos) on Jul 16, 2017 at 7:38pm PDT

Sam is walking down a hall. A zombified hand bolts out of a window at him. The person on the other end of that lepor hand speaks. It’s Friend Zone! He asks about Dany. Sam’s all, “can you put that gross hand back in your room, please?”

Dany lands at Dragonstone. She’s also in black. As are Tyrion and all of Dany’s men too. The only people not in black in this episode are at the Citadel. And the Eunuch. He’s in brown. What’s with black being the new hot color in all of Westeros?

Dany takes Dragonstone. “Finally! The Khaleesi has returned to Westoros!” With everyone gathered around an old war map, she asks, “Shall we begin?” I smell what the Khaleesi is cooking.

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