May 8, 2016 by Billy Henehan

Game of Thrones – S6E2 – Home – Recap

The episode opens and we finally get to see the old man who is the three eyed raven. He’s not as woven into the tree as I pictured in my head from the books. He seems more encapsulated by the branches, like he just needs someone to saw him out. I’m firmly in the camp that the TV show does it better, but here I think the TV show lost out to the books. Bran is at the old man’s feet. Remember Bran? It’s been awhile! Wow, Bran has really aged since we’ve last seen him. That’s what happens when you leave a teenager out of a whole season of a show. Bran is seeing the past, specifically his dad, Ned, as a kid in Winterfell. And Winterfell never looked so good. The place is at peace, something Winterfell hasn’t seen since early in season one. Young Ned and Young Ben are practicing their swordplay in the yard. Lyanna Stark *cough* Jon’s mom! Jon’s mom! *cough* Even Bran is surprised by happy everyone is. “They were all so happy,” he exclaims. The definition of happy in Game of Thrones is fascinating, I mean they’re still hitting each other with blunted swords. Whoa! Hodor as as a boy! And he’s talking! Hodor’s name is Wylis! Get ready for all the Hodor “Whatchu talkin’ about Wylis?” memes. Hodor is older than I thought.

The old man pulls Bran out of his vision of the past. In the present, an extra from the Broadway show Cats is checking out Bran. I know, I know, she’s one of the Children of the Forest. Put your keyboard down, angry German fan.

Bran asks Hodor about his past. Surprise, surprise, Hodor only responds, “Hodor.” Man, Meera has gotten older too. Meera looks like she could be Tom Hiddleston’s sister. If Marvel ever needs to cast female Loki, look no further! The extra from Cats tells Meera that Brandon needs her. She then launches into a rendition of Memories before we cut away to the Wall.

Maybe it’s a product of my 90’s suburban upbringing, but every time the show cuts to the Wall, I think of The Wall, the CD store that used to give you a sticker for any CD purchased there. If anything went wrong with the CD, they would replace it, no questions asked. It was a long time before they caught on that people saved the stickers on the side and only attached them to their CDs when one scratched, whether it was bought from The Wall or not. They eventually went out of business, possibly related to that exploit of their policy. Cue Closing Time.

Sorry, back to the show.

Up at the Wall, Thorne wants inside Davos’s room. Thorne says no harm will come to them if they open the door…which is why Thorne has a horde of archers aiming their arrows at the door. Don’t open the door, Davos, I’ve seen this before! Damn, Ghost is huge. Davos and the Jon-men bare their swords, but they keep the door locked. Thorne has a dude knock the door down with a battering ram. That kid that killed Ygritte still has that smug look from last episode on his face. Man, I hope someone stabs that kid in his stupid face. Just as Thorne’s men break into Davos’s room, the wildlings, led by Redbeard, storm the Wall. Oh man, you guys are fucked. The wildlings have a giant. That giant is so cool. I want Davos to say, “We have a Hulk,” as the giant bashing one of Thorne’s men against the Wall. Thorne’s men surrender immediately. Good call. It’s only Thorne and Smug Boy left. The kid charges. Sadly, they just disarm him quickly instead of stabbing him in his stupid face. Dolorous Edd take charge! He orders Thorne, Smug Boy and their crew to the cells. Redbeard checks out Snow’s body.

Down at King’s Landing, some dude is bragging about flashing Cersei with his cock when she did her walk of shame. What’s funny is that Lena Headley mentioned this guy when she was on NPR’s Wait, Wait, Don’t Tell Me during the offseason. The host, Peter Sagal, asked Lena Headley about filming the walk of shame scene. She mentioned that before shooting started, she was talking to a new face at the craft services table. She asked what part he had today, and he basically said, “I’m going to be flashing my willy at you.” Glad he’s back. Too bad he won’t be back again. The Mountain teaches him a lesson. That lesson is “Brag about flashing the Queen and have your skull bashed into a wall.” I think the Mountain is actually stronger than before. The Mountain returns tot Cersei. Please Mountain, never take that helmet off, but if you do, please be the WWE’s Undertaker under that mask. And please have Qyburn follow him around with an urn full of the Hound’s ashes.

Cersei tries to attend her daughter’s funeral, but King Tommen has ordered his guards to keep Cersei in her room. For a second, it looks like the Mountain is about tombstone pile drive his way through about a dozen of Tommen’s knights, but Cersei has him stand down and stays put in her room.

Speaking of Tommen, he’s with his uncle-dad Jaime at Myrsella’s funeral. Unlike Joffrey’s funeral, this is a private affair, just a an uncle-dad and his nephew-son mourning the loss of niece-daughter. Welcome to royalty. How are these people not all cross-eyes and web-fingered from sharing so many chromosomes? Tommen is a lot whinier here than I remember him in the books, and less of a mother’s boy. It turns out that Tommen has Cersei confined to her room because he is too embarrassed to face her. He’s embarassed that he didn’t do anything to save his mom from jailing her walk of shame.

The High Septon aka Pope Francis walks in. Tommen wants to see Princess Low Cut. No dice. The High Septon says no one can see her, not even the king, until she confesses. Jaime sends Tommen away. Jaime and the High Septon stand off. .Jaime hints he’s going to cut down the High Septon right there. The High Septon calls his bluff. The Faith Militant appear at the top of the steps. Jaime points out that they’re too far to save the High Septon. The High Septon says that doesn’t matter. He and the Faith Militant have nothing and everything to gain. Jaime and the royalty have everything to lost. Is it me or do the Faith Militant have a lot of similarities to the Sons of the Harpy? Sure the Sons of the Harpy are mostly rich slave owners, but after that difference, I think the groups are similar. They’re both religious extremists, rising up to take down those in power.

Anyway, Jaime stands down.

Tommen meets with his mother and begs her forgiveness. Unrelated, Tommen has a really weak chin.

In Mereen, Tyrion is meeting with Varys, Grey Worm and Missandei. In my notes, I wrote their names as “Baldy, No Dick and What’s Her Name the Scribe.” I know, I know. I’m the worst. Angry comment all you want, it won’t help me remember these names any faster. Tyrion has a great line where he says, “If I lost my cock, I’d drink all the time. No offense,” as he looks at Varys and Grey Worm. Tyrion has the best line of the episode with “That’s what I do. I drink and I know things.” Seriously, it’s been less than a week and I’ve already seen a store selling that line on t-shirts. Tyrion wants to free the dragons. He has the best ideas when he’s drinking.

Tyrion goes down into the pit and talks to one of the two dragons chained up down there. In the books, the dragons melted their chains, but here on the show, they’re still bound. After telling a great story about wanting a dragon when he was a boy, Tyrion unchains the dragon. The other dragon walks over and presents his chain to Tyrion. He frees that one too. The two dragons walk away. Tyrion speeds out. Amazingly, his pants aren’t wet. Even more amazingly, he’s not toasted dragon food.

Arya has looked better. She’s definitely been on the receiving end of off-camera training beatings since last episode. She should get some tips from Daredevil. Since that waif who keeps beating her does it with a stick, maybe I’ll call her Stick after Daredevil’s mentor. After Stick finishes beating Arya for the day, Jaqen H’ghar shows up. Oh, Jaqen, you’re my favorite. He tells Arya that if she wants the beatings to stop and her sight back, she just has to say her name. Arya doesn’t back down; she says she’s no one. Jaqen’s impressed. Arya just got promoted.

The Boltons boy are having some father son time. Roose thinks Sansa will flee to her bastard brother at the Wall. Ramsey suggests killing Jon Snow. Ha. Too late. There’s news. Lady Walda has given birth to a son. How long until Ramsey kills the baby? Who wants to take bets? Before anyone can pick a date, Ramsey stabs Roose. No, Roose stabbed Ramsey. No, Ramsey stabbed Roose. Damn! Cold blooded! It’s ironic that Ramsey did Roose the same way Roose did Robb at the Red Wedding. All that was missing was Ramsey saying, “Ramsey sends his regards.”

Remember when Winterfell was a nice place 30 minutes and 30 years ago? You know, before sons were stabbing fathers. Killing his own father isn’t even the worst thing Ramsey will do today. Ramsey meets Walda and the baby in the yard. He asks Walda, “May I hold him?” Walda, the answer is always no, no, no, no, no, no. Ramsey leads Walda into his dog pen. Walda asks “Where is Lord Bolton?” To which I said to my TV, “I am Lord Bolton.” And then Ramsey said, “I am Lord Bolton.” Oh Walda. You knew you were dead the moment you walked into the dog pen. Ramsey says, “I prefer being an only child.” He sics the dogs on Walda and the baby. Those dogs have been eating really well the last two episodes. I was watching this episode with closed captioning on. I cold have done without “flesh tearing” showing up in the close captioning. Thanks closed captioneers.

Thankfully, we get to see my new favorite team-up, Sansa and Brienne. Brienne tells Sansa about encountering Arya. Sansa says she should have gone with Brienne when Brienne first offered? When did Sansa have the opportunity to go with Brienne before? I seriously just don’t remember this. A little help, readers? Roose was right, Sansa plans to head to the Wall. Theon is afraid of Jon’s wrath if they go to the Wall. He’s remorseful for everything he’s done to the Starks. He points out that even though he didn’t kill Bran and Rickon, he killed those two stable boys while claiming they were Theon and Rickon, not to mention killing others in Winterfell during his short coup. Theon is riding for home, the Iron Isles. I feel like he would be safer at The Wall.

In the Iron Isles, Balon and Asha are arguing. While most of the show has passed the books, this and what’s going on with Arya, seem to be the only storylines that have fallen behind the books. Balon wants to conquer. Asha wants to shore up the Iron Isles and consolidate their rule there. Balon scoffs at her, pointing out that out of all of the kings in the War of the Five Kings, he’s the only one still alive. When Balon walks out onto that footbridge in the storm, all I thought was, “Okay, here we go. Nice knowing you, Balon.” I think Balon’s death was handled better here on the show than it was in the books. In the books, his death seemed random and like it came out of nowhere. The old man just slipped and fell of the bridge. Was it because he was cursed by Smokey Vajayjay’s fire god? Or was he just an old man walking over a slippery and rickety bridge in a storm? Either way, his death on the TV show definitely drives the plot forward better. We are immediately introduced to Balon’s prodigal brother Euron, aka The Crow’s Eye. We immediately get to see how dangerous Euron is when he kills his brother. It’s funny how unshocking fratricide and patricide are on this show. Euron killed his brother to seize power for himself? Well, what else did you expect? During this scene, all I could think was “Woot! King’s moot time! Woot! Woot! It’s a motherfucking King’s moot!” King’s moot has to be my single favorite phrase from the books. It’s just fun to say, like chimichanga.

Smokey Vajayjay looks like her young self again. Davos enters her room. Imagine if she still looked 1,000? That would have been a hard one to explain. Davos wants Smokey to resurrect Jon. Smokey says won’t do it. Despite looking like her young self again, she’s still having a crisis of faith. But Davos believes in her, which when you think about it is really saying a lot, considering Davos’s feeling about Big Red for most of this series.

Smokey cleans Jon’s body. “What’s a man got to do to get a bath around here?” – Common Knight’s Watch idiom. Apparently, the answer is get stabbed repeatedly and die. Or mostly die. Or die. I honestly don’t know if Jon is coming back as I watch this. If it were any other show, then OF COURSE Jon is coming back. But there seems to be nothing GRRM likes more than fucking with the readers and viewers. “Hey, invest in this Ned Stark guy! He’s going places! Psych!” – GRRM in season one.

As Smokey is cleaning Jon, I think, “Wow, that’s a lot of blood on Jon Snow.” Big Red has looked better. Jon too for that matter. The jewel in Smokey’s necklace is dark. It was dark last episode too. That can’t be a good sign. Wow, Jon looks very, very Jesus right now. This scene has all the subtlety of Zach Snyder’s Man of Steel when it comes to Jesus imagery. Mellie Mel works her magic. Yeah, that’s right. I now have three nicknames for her. Come at me, bro! She burns some of Jon’s hair. Don’t worry, she cut the hair off first. But this room must really smell great right now. Oh wait, Tormund (Red beard, not to be confused with Big Red. Big Red is Mellie Mel! Keep it straight! )is there. I guess him Tormund there, burning hair won’t make the room smell any worse. Oooh, wicked wildling burn, Billy. Thank you. Wet dire wolf, wildling BO and now burnt hair? Yum. Does Yankee Candle make this scent? Tormund is staring down Davos. Mel gives up. They need Miracle Max. Tormund storms out. Edd and Mel leave. Davos looks at Jon. Ghost sleeps. Jon lies there. Davos leaves. Ghost rises. Jon wakes up gasping! I jump off my couch gasping!

JON SNOW IS ALIVE!!!!!

Dear Game of Thrones staff: please dress Jon as the Dread Pirate Roberts next week.

May 4, 2016 by Billy Henehan

Game of Thrones – S6E1 – The Red Woman – Recap

It’s finally here! The return of Game of Thrones! And the return of my recaps! You might remember that in order to get over some serious Games of Thrones withdrawal between seasons 4 and 5, I started reading the books. The withdrawal hit even harder between seasons 5 and 6, and I’m happy to report that I am now caught up on all the books that have been published to date. That’s right, I’m now one of those “That’s now they did in the books” people. Yay. Um. Hey, where are you going?

Don’t worry, I still plan to keep these recaps full of the humor you’ve come to expect, but I might actually remember a name or two now (though Margaery will ALWAYS be Princess Low Cut).

Thanks for joining me for another season. Please enjoy…

Wow, that was one long ass Previously on Game of Thrones to start the episode. Did they show a scene from every episode of the series? Is a long Previously on… supposed to make it easier to tell all the brunette northmen with beards apart from each other? Or is it for people who are checking Game of Thrones out for the first time and thinking, “I’ll just jump in on this show 6 seasons in.” Smart choice there, big guy. Thankfully the Previously on… finally ends and the opening credits start. We can all agree these are the coolest opening credits of any TV show ever, right?

The episode starts on the Wall. Where else would it start? My friends, family, coworkers, casual acquaintances, baristas and I have been theorizing for 10 months as to whether or not Jon Snow is dead. If the episode started anywhere else in the Seven Kingdoms, I would have thrown a Joffrey-sized fit!

Jon is bleeding out in the snow while Ghost howls mournfully. Davos is the first to find Jon. Jon’s friends including Dolorous Edd (see, I told you I read the books! How else would I know Dolorous Edd’s name?) are the next on the scene. None of the guys who stabbed Jon show up here. They must have all been like, “Sweet, he’s dead. Let’s leave the body here and get a nap in.” There is A LOT of blood under Jon. Despite there being more blood left on the snow than still in Jon Snow, Davos is convinced that Jon is only mostly dead and calls for Miracle Max, sorry I mean he calls for Melisandre, aka Smoky Vajayjay. I don’t care how many books I read, she will always be Smoky Vajayjay. Just like Miracle Max with Westley, Smoky Vajayjay has some hesitations about bringing Jon back.

In a meeting of the brothers later that morning, Thorne flat out admits to killing Jon. Interesting strategy there, Alliser. Amazingly, it works. People who were ready to kill Thorne seconds before this are suddenly like, “You know what? He’s right. Jon Snow had to die.” Apparently Jedi mind tricks exist in Westeros. While Thorne is explaining why they had to kill Jon, that asshole kid who stabbed Jon and shot the arrow that killed Ygritte looks on all smug. I get it, you hit your growth spurt in the off-season and you’re feeling all swagger about it, but I really want someone to hit you in your face.

Davos realizes his small group can’t take on Thorne alone. He needs the wildlings to back him up. One of the brothers still loyal to Jon goes off to find them.

Down in Winterfell, Ramsey is mourning the death of that bitchy girlfriend of his, Myranda. Seriously Ramsey, you are the only one who liked her. The only one. Some dude who looks like John Malkovich looks on. Oh, he’s the Bolton’s maester. Maester Malkovich tells Ramsey that see that Myranda’s body is properly laid to rest. Ramsey tells him to feed Myranda to his hounds; she’s good meat. Just in case you ever forget that Ramsey is crazy and the worst, the writers of the show make sure you remember with scenes like this one.

Roose Bolton meets with Ramsey. Roose wants to know who killed Stannis. I was very surprised that Ramsey didn’t take the credit and tells his father that he doesn’t know. Roose needs the North united behind him, and for that he need Sansa Stark. Retrieving her is his top priority for Ramsey.

Speaking of Sansa, she and Theon are fleeing, with Ramsey’s hounds in hot pursuit. Theon convinces Sansa to wade through a freezing river in order to lose the dogs. Hmm, looks like Theon has been reading Living With a SEAL. I love that book. Theon and Sansa hide in the trunk of a giant, overturned tree. Despite Theon and Sansa’s ice bath, the dogs are catching up. Theon decides to sacrifice himself for Sansa. He tells her to hide, then run. He then heads straight for Ramsey’s men. One of the men jokes that he’s wondering what Ramsey will cut off Theon next. The men want to know where Sansa is. Theon lies, and tells them that she broke her leg and died as they were escaping. They don’t believe him. And that’s when Theon finds out that hunting hounds can pick up a scent that’s 15 feet away. Oh come on! All this and now Sansa and Theon are going back to Ramsey?!?

And then Brienne and Pod save them! Wooooo! Brienne is getting all the love from fans for this scene, but I just want to point out that Pod actually managed to stay on his horse. Someone give it up for Pod. After Brienne and Pod kill all of Ramsey’s men, Brienne lays her sword at Sansa’s feet NEW TEAM UP!!!!

Down in King’s Landing, Jaime’s boat is pulling into port. Cersei runs down to meet them. She can immediately tell something is wrong when she sees the look on her lover/brother’s face and that casket behind him. Side note: was Bronn on the boat in this scene? Did anyone spot him? I didn’t think to look for him until afterwards.

I’m really feeling for Jaime and Cersei right now…and damn it, Game of Thrones, you did it again! Making me feel all mushy for Westeros’s favorite incest couple. But really, right now, I want a Tarantino directed Jaime and Cersei buddy road movie. Leave King’s Landing behind and travel Westeros with a sword and a lot of sass.

Princess Low Cut is in jail. Ooo, she’s dirty, and not in the fun way. She looks like she’s been sleeping in my daughter’s diapers. The used ones. A septa keeps telling her to confess. The High Septon visits. He’s playing the good cop to the septa’s bad cop. But his message is the same, he wants Princess Low Cut to confess.

Over in Dorne, the Dornish Prince and Slutty Princess Leia are getting along way too well. Okay, okay, I said last season I’d stop calling her Slutty Princess Leia. She’s been in mourning since the Red Viper died and hasn’t worn anything approaching Leia’s slave girl outfit from Jabba’s throne room in over a season. Anyone have a good nickname for her? Otherwise, Ellaria it is.

Anyway, Ellaria and Prince Doran (really? The Prince of Dorne is named Doran? That would be like Queen Elizabeth being named Brittany) are getting along WAY too well. Oh. Wait. The Sand Snakes kill Doran’s big black bodyguard and then kill him too. People who usually hate each other suddenly getting along is to Game of Thrones what getting over your father issues it to Lost; it means someone’s about to die. Going by how many people rise up to stop Ellaria from killing the prince, it seems like the prince’s bodyguard was the only person in his corner in all of Dorne. Well, maybe the bodyguard and Trystane, his son.

Speaking of Trystane, two of the Sand Snakes bust in on Prince Trystane and tell him he gets to decide who kills him. He picks whip. Spear then spears him in the back of the head. Classic Spear.

Remember last season when every time they would cut to Dorne, and we’d all be like, “Ugh, this story again. Just kill them all off!” Well, it looks like someone was listening.

In Mereen, there’s no sign of Dany. Tyrion and Varys walk the streets. Mereen has seen better days. This scene is shot in a very cool way. Lots of long shots, sometimes partially obstructed, making it seem like there are many eyes of Varys and Tyrion everywhere they turn. I kept waiting for a Sons of the Harpy ambush, but none came. Tyrion has a funny exchange with a homeless mother in which he tries telling her, “I want to feed your baby,” but it comes out, “I want to eat your baby.” Such a small change, such a big difference.

Daario and Friend Zone are riding around looking for Dany in the countryside. They spot a burnt carcass of a ram, surely the work of a dragon and not a barbecue pit! They find Dany’s dropped ring, but no Dany.

That’s because Dany is being marched in chains by the Dothraki. They whip her. They have no idea who she is. She maintains her cool despite them telling her that they plan on raping her. The two Dothraki present them before their Khal. Dany makes her play. She announces who she is. They all laugh, but the Khal believes her. It announces that is is forbidden to lie with a Khal’s widow and that none of his men shall touch her. Point: Dany. He then tells Dany he’s taking her to where all the widows of Khals go to to get old and die. Point: not Dany.

In Braavos, Arya is blind and begging. That mean waif from the temple shows up and beats her with a staff. The waif gives Arya a staff and tells her to fight. Arya says that she can’t see. The waif says that isn’t her problem. Good one, waif. Don’t you get it, Arya? You’re still being trained! The waif beats her senseless and then says, “See you tomorrow.” Good pun, waif.

At the Wall, Thorne tries getting into Davo’s room. Thorne says he promises they won’t kill everyone in the room. Unlike the people in the old SNL Land Shark sketches, Davos doesn’t fall for it. Good man, Davos. Still, it’s a half dozen of them and Ghost against the rest of the Night’s Watch. Thorne tells them to surrender by nightfall.

Smoky Vajajay is looking at her fire. She hasn’t been the same since Stannis lost his big battle with the Boltons. She gets up, looks at herself in the mirror and disrobes. The viewing audience is getting quite a show. She removes her necklace and suddenly she’s old and wrinkled. I mean really old and really wrinkled. Maybe it’s good Stannis didn’t live long enough to see who he really had sex with. What a bait and switch! The audience thought they were getting Smoky Vajajay naked but now we’re looking at this old naked lady and her old naked butt. Point: Game of Thrones. Naked Butt heads to bed. Hellllooooo, you need to revive Jon Snow!

Melisandre looking old once she took off her necklace made me think of something from the books that hasn’t been included in the show. In the books, it’s revealed that it wasn’t Mance Raydar killed by Stannis in the bonfire, but actually the Lord of Bones, a character that I do not believe made it into the show. Melisandre wove a glamour around Mance to shift the light around him so that people saw the Lord of Bones and vice versa too; when people looked at the Lord of Bones, her glamour made them think they were seeing Mance Raydar. This is so that Mance Raydar can go off on quest for Jon. Like many stories in these very long books, this storyline was streamlined for TV, and Melisandre never really goes into how her glamours work on the show. This is a long winded way of me saying that I don’t think that the necklace was keeping Melisandre young, but rather that she always looks like an a very old and weathered crone, because that is what she is. I think there is a glamour woven into her necklace, the one with the stone that burns like fire. It bends the light around her so that people see what she wants them to see, a much younger and more beautiful woman. But now that Melisandre is having this extreme crisis of faith, she’s worn down and beaten, and just doesn’t care enough to keep the glamour going. There’s no need to put on airs when everything you believed in has been taken from you. But that’s just my theory.

June 23, 2015 by Billy Henehan

Game of Thrones – S5E10 – Mother’s Mercy – Recap

The episodes opens with Vijayjay. She’s happy, the ice in the camp is melting. If an icicle melting doesn’t scream, “This was totally worth killing that child for,” I don’t know what does. Now that the storm is receding, Stannis can march on Winterfell. Vijayjay wants to kiss him, but he’s not interested. There’s something about murdering your only daughter that just takes the sex out of a relationship. Oh man, half of Stannis’s men deserted last night. Stannis was a hard man before, but he seems even harder now, like he’s made of stone. When one of his soldier arrives with news, Stannis commands him to “Speak up. It can’t be worse than mutiny.” Mrs. Stannis hung herself. Stannis’s reaction: “On to Winterfell.” Hard, I tell you.

Jon is telling Sam about the army of the undead. “How many Valyrian Steel swords are left in the seven kingdoms?” Sam asks. “Not enough.” Jon responds. Sam wants to be sent with Gilly and the baby to the Citadel in Old Town to become a maester. But really, I get the feeling he wants to save the baby. But he makes a good case for sending him: he can learn things that will help in their fight against the White Walkers. Jon doesn’t want him to go, but allows it. When Sam tells him about Gilly riding the Sam train, Jon is perplexed and asks him, “You’ve just been beaten half to death. How did you?” Same gets the best line of the episode with “Very carefully.”

Sam, Gilly and the baby depart. Jon’s number of friends in Castle Black keep dwindling.

Stannis’s army marches. Winterfell is before them.

The Boltons are getting ready for Stannis. Sansa uses the corkscrew from a couple of episodes back to escape her room. Why she drops the corkscrew in the doorway, I’ll never know. She brings a candle to the Old Tower, but lights it 10 second after Brienne stops looking for it. Classic Stark luck.

Pod is bringing back a dead fox and some wood. He spots Stannis’s army and rushes to Brienne to tell her.

Stannis wants to lay siege, but the Boltons aren’t having any of that. They ride out to him. Stannis draws his sword. The Bolton riders flank his men on both sides. It’s a bloody battle, but Stannis is standing at the end of it. Two of Bolton’s men slice his legs, but he slices their throats. Brienne approaches Stannis as he’s lying against a tree, unable to stand. She accuses him of murdering Renley with blood magic. Stannis admits to it. Brienne executes Stannis.

Ramsey survived the battle. He’s enjoying himself, picking off the few men left of Stannis’s army. The battlefield is littered with bodies on both sides.

Sansa tries sneaking back to her chambers, but is ambushed on the way by Ramsey’s girlfriend Myranda and Reek. Myranda is about to get all Katniss Everdeen up on Sansa with her bow and arrow, but Reek saves Sansa and throws Myranda to her death. Reek and Sansa run. When they see Ramsey returning, they make their escape Thelma and Louise-style off one of the high walls of Winterfell into the snow banks below.

Meryn Trant has three young girls in his room. He’s beating them bloody. This guy is sick. Two of the girls scream. The third, a girl whose hair is covering her face, doesn’t scream. Hello, Arya. She brushes her hair back…no, not Arya. Or is it? Her faces changes. It is Arya! She stabs Meryn Trant in the eyes and the chest. “You were the first person on my list, you know?” she tells him. Arya is to the paining this guy! She tells him he’s no one and slits his throat. Arya is officially a BAMF.

At the house of black and white, Arya puts the mask she used back in its place. Jaqen confronts her. He’s pissed. “Only death can pay for life.” he says, and whips out a vial of poison. Both Arya and I are worried he’s going to pour the poison down Arya’s throat. But he doesn’t! Jaqen poisons himself and drops dead! That was fucked up.

Wait, the girl is Jaqen too! Wait a second, how did she/he change her/his height? And are either of these the Jaqen from past seasons? Arya keeps ripping masks off Jaqen’s dead face. It’s like a Scooby Doo episode! Eventually Arya gets to own face, and then she goes blind. She can’t see and her eyes are all white. WTF!

Viper Mom kisses Myrcella on the lips as Myrcella, Jaime, Trystane and Bronn leave. My first thought is, “Did Viper Mom poison Myrcella with that kiss?” Dagger tells Bronn, “You want a good girl, but you need a bad pussy.” She knows Bronn so well.

On the boat, Jamie gives Myrcella a “We don’t choose whom we love” speech. He’s trying to tell her he’s her dad, but she already knows, and she’s cool with it. She says she’s glad Jamie is her father. Clearly, this shocks Jamie. Awwww. Wait, ew ew ew ew, he’s still her uncle-father. Damn inbred Lannisters making be care about their incestuous romance. Myrcella nose starts bleeding and she dies in Jamie’s arms. Fucking Viper Mom.

Back at the dock, Viper Mom and the Vipers are watching the boat sail away. Viper Mom’s nose is bleeding too. She wipes the blood from her nose and the poison off her lips. Then she drinks the antidote, the crazy viper girls following behind her.

Tyrion, Daario and Jorah are chilling in the throne room. Glad they lived. Grey Worm and Missandei join them. They talk of forming a party to go find Dany. Daario points out why Tyrion wouldn’t be an asset to a search party, saying “Mainly you talk.” Tyrion counters, “And drink.” Daario wants to leave Tyrion, Greyworm and Missandei to run Mereen. That leaves Daario and Jorah to find Dany. The boyfriend and friend zone hunting for Dany! Oh boy.

Tyrion watches Friend Zone and Daario leave. Varys comes out of nowhere and joins him on the balcony. Varys gives Tyrion a nice a pep talk that makes Tyrion almost happy to see him.

Dany and Drogon are on a mountaintop. Drogon is healing. He’s surrounded by the burnt skeletons of all the animals she’s eaten recently. Dany mounts Drogan, but he literally flips her off. She wants to go home, but he want to nap.

Some Dothraki ride up on Dany. By some, I mean a whole herd. They encircle her. She’s as confused by their appearance as I am. She drops her ring on the ground. Is this in case someone comes looking for her? Or did she not want the Dothraki to see that ring?

Cersei is in her cell. Her favorite nun visits and tells her to confess. Cersei confesses to the High Sparrow. She confesses to sleeping with Lancel, but not Jaime. She wants to return to her son, the king. The High Sparrow tells her, “After your atonement.” Cersei is stripped and washed by the nuns. They chop her hair off, giving her a stylish pixie cut. It’s like Cersei by way of Annie Lennox. They’re not precise with the razor and she’s bleeding from a few spots.

The High Sparrow makes her walk naked back to the castle through the crowds of people. A nun follows her ringing a bell and shouting “Shame!”. I think the High Sparrow checks out her ass as she walks away. That High Sparrow is so cheeky! Wow, this is a lot of naked Lena Headley this episode. Was she even this naked in the pilot? This is like season 1 Dany nakedness. The crowd catcalls Cersei, calling her a whore and a bitch and a cunt. She just keeps walking. They pelt her with rotten food. She just keeps walking. I’m pretty sure someone slapped feces on her shoulder. She’s spat on and hit with buckets of muck, but keeps walking. I will say this for the Faithful Militant, they beat back anyone who tries to actually touch her. She’s knocked to the ground, but gets back up and eventually reaches the safety of the castle. She’s crying, and her feet are bloody. Between that, and her new haircut, I feel like Annie Lennox’s Walking on Broken Glass should have been playing during this scene.

I also feel like this is going to give us Cersei 2.0. The High Sparrow and Viper Mom better watch their backs in season 6.

When Cersei enters the castle, she’s gawked at by the advisers she used to lord over. The only one who doesn’t gawk is Dr Frankenstein, who presents her with the newest member of the Kings Guard. I’ts Mountain, reborn as the WWE’s Undertaker.

Vijayjay returns to Castle Black alone, looking lost. Jon wants to know about Stannis, and Davos wants to know about Shireen. She meets them both with silence.

Later, Jon is reading his mail. I don’t think he’s getting the men he needs. Ollie, that punk kid who killed Ygritte last season, comes in with news. He tells Jon that wildling says Jon’s Uncle Benjen is still alive and the wildling knows where to find him. Jon is excited! I’m excited! You might be confused. Who is Uncle Benjen, you ask? He’s Ned’s brother and was First Ranger of the Night’s Watch in season 1. He disappeared when out ranging, only his horse returned. He’s been missing (and presumed dead) ever since. Jon is excited. He runs to where a group of Night’s Watch brothers have the wildling surrounded. But it was a ploy. There’s no wildling there, just a cross on it that says “TRAITOR.” Thorne stabs Jon, and says “For the Watch” as he does so. So do a bunch of other brothers. They all repeat “For the watch” as they stab him. Ollie is the last to stab him Jon. He almost hesitates. Fucking Ollie. First Ygritte and now Jon? I hate this kid.

They killed Jon Snow! No!!!!! WHATTT?!? Why make us care about his parentage if you’re just going to do him like that?!?

Jon Snow bleeds out in the snow. I sit on my couch stunned for the next five minutes, trying to come up with ways that Jon isn’t dead. My first and best idea is that Smoky Vijayjay find Jon and saves him with some of her blood and fire magic early next season. Red magic saved that Robin Hood dude that couldn’t kept coming back from dead a few seasons ago. Come on, Smoky Vijayjay! Redeem yourself and save Jon Snow!

May 12, 2015 by Billy Henehan

Game of Thrones – S5E5 – Kill The Boy – Recap

Hi everyone and welcome to my latest recap of Game of Thrones. These recaps do have spoilers for the episode and what has come so far on the TV show, so if you’re not caught up, and don’t want things ruined, please stop reading and come back when you’re good to go. Also, I’ve only read the first three books, which caught me up to the end of season four of the show. I have not read ahead of the show. While I definitely welcome comments, I merely ask that you not spoil things that have yet to happen on the show. I have a hard time with names, so I tend to give characters nicknames. Please forgive me for that. On that note, let’s get underway…

Grey Worm is alive?!? Yes! I’m not going to lie, I thought he and Barry were dead at the end of the last episode. I am psyched that Grey Worm survived. Sadly, Ser Barry did not. While Grey Worm’s girlfriend tends to him, Dany is holding vigil over Ser Barry’s corpse. That dude who wanted the fighting pits reopened visits. Dany is ready to kill. She calls for the leaders of all of Mereen’s great families to be taken into custody. Fighting Pit Guy immediately realizes, “Hey, that’s me!” Once they’re all assembled, she leads them into a catacomb. Careful ye heads of Mereen’s great families, there be dragons here. Dany feeds one of the heads of the great families to her two dragons. She acts like Fighting Pit Guy is next, but when he responds bravely with “Valar Morghulis,” she changes her mind. She lets all the men live one more day. Why did she do this? Did she realize that her intimidation tactics weren’t working yet?

Up at Castle Black, Sam and Maester Aemon are meeting. Jon walks in and asks Aemon for advice on what to do next. Aemon recommends that Jon “Kill the boy, John Snow…and let the man be born. ” Ah, got it, so that’s where the episode’s title comes from. And here I thought someone was going to take a hit out on Tomlin.

Jon then meets with that Redbeard guy, Mance’s second-in-command. Jon wants Redbeard to head north of the Wall, grab any free folk still up there and bring them south of the Wall. Redbeard wants Jon to go north with him. He says that no one up there will believe that the Crows will let them live south of the Wall unless they hear it from his lips.

Later, at the Night’s Watch meeting, no one but Sam seems to like Jon’s plan. Stannis watches from the back, and says, “Fear.” to Davos. Davos asks, “What?” to be which Stannis replies, “Nothing.” I feel like Jon is earning Stannis’s respect yet again in this scene. The Night’s Watch brothers want to let the Wildlings die. Jon breaks it down for them as simply as he can when he says, “We can learn to live with the Wildlings or we can add them to the army of the dead.” And don’t forget, here “the army of the dead” isn’t a metaphor. It’s an actual army.

Jon is in his office, when Ollie, the boy who I will never forgive for killing Ygritte enters. Ollie wants to think Jon is tricking the Wildliings. Ollie points out that the Wildlings killed his whole village. Jon doesn’t yell back, “Yeah? Well you killed the only woman I ever loved!” Instead, he responds with, “I know what it’s like to lose the people you love” and throws in some “Winter is coming” for good measure. Man, how many times can they say “Winter is coming” this episode.

Pod and Brienne are still on the outskirts of Winterfell. Man, Brienne needs a bath. I’ve seen homeless people in the NYC subway cleaner than her. A porter brings in some stuff. Brienne wants him to bring a message back to Sansa Stark.

Ramsey Bolton is chilin’ in bed. He’s got a naked girl in the room with him. Here name is Miranda. Miranda is jealous. She thought she was going to marry Ramsey, and now she’s been demoted to side piece. Ramsey uses that “neg” style made famous by that guy with the furry top hat. He professes his not quite love for Miranda while insulting her. Seriously, Ramsey is such a dick. I can’t wait for Reek to knife him. Or Sansa. Or anyone. Miranda bites him when she kisses him. She draws blood. He’s into it. That look in Miranda’s eyes…I wonder if is she going to be the one to kill him.

Sansa is in her room when an old lady servant enters. The old woman tells her, “You still have friends in the north. If you’re ever in trouble, light a candle in the highest window of the broken tower. You’re not alone.”

Sansa immediately walks to the Broken Tower. You might remember this as Cersei and Jamie’s Winterfell love nest. Or where Jamie pushed Bran out a window. Remember Bran? But I digress…Miranda follows Sansa. Miranda is acting all nice in that “I’m being nice, but I’m really being bitchy” way that some girls act to other girls. Miranda wants to show Sansa something to help her remember her mother. She takes Sansa to the kennel and tells her to walk all the way down. Are we going to see the return of the missing dire wolf? These dogs are vicious. They bark and jump. In the cell at the end is Reek/Theon. He’s the most well behaved one in the cells. Sansa is shocked to see him curled up in the kennels. He tells her she shouldn’t be there and backs away. Shouldn’t be where? In the kennels? In Winterfell?

Sometime later, Ramsey summons Reek. Ramsey tells him, “You mustn’t keep secrets form me, Reek.” How did he know about Sansa already? Ramsey then says, “Get on your knees.” Ruh-roh. I don’t like where this is going. Oh wait, he follows that up with, “Give me your hand.” Wait, what? Ramsey clasps Reek’s hand and forgives him. This Ramsey guy is so Looney Tunes.

Samsa is having dinner with the Boltons. You might be saying to yourself, “Who is that fat woman next to Roose? Is is Ramsey’s mother?” No, that is Roose’s wife, Walda Frey, daughter of Walder Frey, that old guy who controlled the river pass at the Twins and set up the Starks’ fall at the Red Wedding. For his part in the Red Wedding, Roose was rewarded with any of Walder’s daughters as a bride. Walder would give him a dowry based on the weight of the daughter he picked, so Roose picked the heaviest one he could find. Ramsey calls out Reek to bring more wine. He’s clearly trying to unnerve Sansa. Ramsey tries to spin in that he punished Theon for invading Winterfell. Sansa sees right through it. I have to say, I like the new Dark Sansa so much better than Sansa from season one. Ramsey has Theon/Reek apologize to Sansa “for killing your brothers.” Ramsey then orders that Reek give away Sansa at the wedding, since Reek is the closest thing to family she has left. This guy is like Joffrey 2.0.

Roose and Walda then announce that Walda is preggers. It’s going to be a boy. Ramsey isn’t happy. Later, Ramsey and Roose talk about this. Ramsey is realizing that his inheritance is quickly falling out from under him. But then Roose tells Ramsey the story of Ramsey’s mom. He continues to acknowledge Ramsey as his son. Now that that’s out of the way, they deide to talk war.They’re going to war with Stannis. But Roose’s announcement about Walda’s pregnancy seemed to be 100% aimed at getting Ramsey to simmer down. And it worked.

Sam is studying in the library. Gilly asks him if all the books in the world are here. As, Sam is explaining that there are libraries bigger than this one, Stannis walks in. He knows who Sam is, his family, his father. Sam’s dad is the only one to ever beat Robert in battle. Stannis wants to know how Sam killed a white walker. Like everyone else, he notes that Sam is no warrior. Sam explains how he killed the walker with Dragon Glass, which is just a fancy name for obsidian. He’s been searching for any reference to it in the books in the library. Stannis agrees and tells him, “Keep reading, Samwell Tarley.”

Stannis tells Davos, “It’s time.” Davos wants to wait for Jon to return, but Stannis says there isn’t time. They need to strike at Winterfell now.

Jon is back! Oh wait, he hastn’t left yet. Stannis marches south.

Grey Worm is still in bed. He awakes from his coma! Yay! He’s been out for 3 days. He’s upset at himself that Barry and his fellow Unsullied are dead. He blames himself. He’s ashamed that he was afraid when he fell to the grounds that he’d never see Missandei again. She gets in his bed and kisses him. Well played, Grey Worm. You get yours.

Later, Missandei is with Dany. She gives Dany some advice, basically saying to trust yourself. Barry wanted mercy. Daario wants to kill all the masters. Dany meets with the Fighting Pit Guy, who is still in chains in a dungeon. She tells him, “I came here to tell you I was wrong and you were right about tradition. About bringing the people of this city together. I will reopen the fighting pits.” She also tells him that the two of them are going to marry. This guy must be high-fiving himself. He thought he was going to die two minutes ago and now he’s marryng Dany! Luckiest man in Mereen!

Friend Zone and Tyrion are still navigating on their boat. Well, Friend Zone is navigating. Tyrion is tied up. Tyrion has some serious rope burns on his wrists and a welt on his head. Jorah couldn’t care less. Tyrion gets the best line in the episode, with “Long sullen silences and the occasional punch in the face. The Mormont way.” Tyrion then immediately apologizes. They travel through Valyria, which is burnt out. They trade-off on reciting a poem about Valyria. One line that stood out was, “The doom consumed them all alike and neither of them turned.” By turned, do they mean turned to members of the undead army? Fire kills the undead in the Game of Thrones world. Are they dragons the key to the White Walkers defeat? Besides breathing fire, I’m guessing they can also produce Dragon Glass with their hot breath. Drogon flies overhead. Tyrion is stunned speachless, which is no easy feat.

After Drogon flies off, “stone men” jump on the boat. They’re afflicted with the same thing as Stannis’s daughter, but it coves their whole bodies and seems to have taken their minds. “Don’t let them touch you!” Jorah yells. The stone men are ravenous. They’re like fast zombies. Tyrion jumps overboard, but is still bound. He’s dragged under by a stone man.

Tyrion opens his eyes on the shore. Friend Zone somehow saved him! They ask if each other was touched, but don’t think they were. This is where people with grey stone are sent, the place last episode where Stannis said his aides wanted to send his daughter. Tyrion has the second best line of the episode when he tells Jorah, “Thank you for saving me. Of course, I wouldn’t have needed saving if you didn’t kidnap me in the first place.” They don’t have a boat. They’re walking. Friend Zone can see they city that’s their ultimate goal. He’s happy. Wait a second…Uh oh, he’s got the gray scale! This dude can’t catch a break…

May 3, 2015 by Billy Henehan

Game of Thrones – S5E4 – Sons of the Harpy – Recap

If you’ve never read one of my recaps before, a few things. I’ve read some of the books, but only up to A Storm of Swords. I don’t want to read past the TV show. I ask that you please respect that, and while I welcome comments, I just ask that you don’t spoil anything that hasn’t happened on the show yet. Also, please forgive my use of nicknames. They started because I couldn’t keep track of all the characters names, and my favorites have continued because I love calling some characters by them.

As the episode starts, Friend Zone steals a boat and rows away with Tyrion tied up onboard. Somewhere else, a bigger boat is sailing. Jamie asks the captain what island they’re passing. He has a moment of quiet reverie when the captain tells him it’s Tarth, the sapphire island. For those not keeping up at home, Brienne is from Tarth. Brienne and Jamie had developed a begrudging friendship when she was escorting Jaime back to King’s Landing. Jaime and Bronn are prepping to sneak into Dorne. Bronn asks Jaime why Jaime has to the one to free Princess Myrcella. When Jamie says Myrcella is his niece, Bronn gets brazen by asking, “Niece?” Oh Bronn, you rule. Bronn then points out that even if Myrcella is Jamie’s “niece,” it still doesn’t explain why Jamie Lannister has to be the one who frees her. Jamie almost quotes N*Sync when he responds, “It~~‘s gonna~~ has to be me.”

Bronn tells Jamie to give Tyrion his regards if he ever sees him again. Jaime’s response to that is, “He murdered my father. If I ever see him, I’ll split him in two. Then I’ll give him your regards.” Damn Jamie, that was cold blooded!

In King’s Landing, the small council is meeting. Cersei is sending Lord Tyrell to the Iron Bank to renegotiate the terms of the kingdom’s debt. So the Iron Bank is China to Westeros’s United States? Am I hearing this right? Lord Tyrell isn’t keen on going, but Cersei insists, saying it’s the order of the king. She assigns Ser Meryn to accompany him. I’m pretty sure Ser Meryn is one of Cersei’s lackeys, so Lord Tyrell must be feeling great about that. The grand maester notes that “The small council grows smaller and smaller.” To which Cersei responds, “Not small enough.” Those Lannisters, cold blooded!

Cersei then meets with the High Sparrow. She wants to give this guy an army. She says that there are miscreants around Westeros who the king can’t deal with, who commit crimes of morality, that for political reasons, even the king can’t deal with. There used to be a Faith Militant in Westerns, but it was disbanded long ago. Cersei wants the High Sparrow to bring it back, and conveniently give him a list of places to start. She’s setting someone up, but whom?

The Sparrows are now dressed in dark robes and have been branded on their forehead. The Sparrows, now the Faith Militant, go to town on the vices of King’s Landing. They smash wine casks and raid whorehouses. Is Cersei going after Littlefinger? This is intercut with what looks like the Faith Militant torturing a tied up man, but in fact they’re branding another member. It’s Cersei’s former fuck-buddy cousin! The Faith Militant grab the Knight of Flowers, with Cersei’s former fuck-buddy cousin leading the charge. Wait, didn’t this guy used to have sex with the Knight of Flowers too? Huh, so it wasn’t Littlefinger Cersei was going after, but rather the Knight of Flowers, now that his dad, Lord Tyrell, is out of town. Littlefinger’s holdings just got caught up in her plot to get at the Tyrells.

Princess Low Cut is pissed! Her brother is in jail. She confronts Tomlin about this, and he pledges to free her brother. Tomlin then goes to his mother to get the Knight of Flowers released. He demands that Ser Loras be freed. Cersei, always drinking wine, tells him to take it up with the High Sparrow.

Tomlin goes to speak to the High Sparrow. He can’t even get an audience with him. The Faith Militant block the steps to the Sept. It looks like the King’s Guard are going throw down with the Faith Militant, until people in the crowd start yelling at Tomlin, calling him a bastard and an abomination. Tomlin retreats. Princess Low Cut isn’t pleased. You can almost see the exact moment when Tomlin realizes he’s not going to be getting any sex in the near future.

Stannis and Mrs. Stannis are talking to each other on the steps of Castle Black, watching Jon train his men. This seems like a throwaway conversation, but in the hunt for Jon Snow’s parentage, gives us a subtle clue. Mrs. Stannis calls Jon the offspring of a tavern slut, and Stannis responds, “Perhaps, but that wasn’t Ned Stark’s way,” as if Stannis has his doubts as to what’s been popularly accepted as Jon’s backstory. I think we should have doubts too.

Later, Jon is signing letters asking for lords to send more men to the Watch. He doesn’t want to send Roose Bolton a letter, considering what Bolton did to the Starks, but Sam rightly points out that they can’t defend the wall with 50 men. Roose Bolton is Warden of the North. They need his help. Jon reluctantly signs. As Sam leaves, Smoky Vajayjay enters Jon’s office. She wants Jon to ride south. She then strips for him. Is she trying to make another shadow creature? She even talks to Jon about the “power to cast shadows” as she’s tracing his fingers along her naked body. Jon turns her down, to which she responds, “You know nothing, Jon Snow.” Whoa.

We find out how Stannis’s daughter got her grayscale affliction in this episode thanks to a conversation between father and daughter. It was from a contaminated doll that Stannis bought from a Dornish wandering salesman. I’m not clear if the Dornish salesman was trying to kill her or not. Regardless, Stannis explains how he tried everything in his power to save his daughter’s life. He could have sent her away, but refused, because she is a princess and his daughter. For the first time in forever, his daughter doesn’t feel like a cast out monster. Stannis Baratheon, ladies and gentlemen. Father of the year.

Sansa is in the crypt under Winterfell. She lights a candle at the statue of her Aunt Lyanna. Littlefinger joins her. He says that she’s like her aunt Lyanna, in reference to being down here lighting the candles. This scene gives us a story that was somewhere in the first three books. It’s a story about a joust between Rhaegar Targarian and Ser Bariston Selmy at the end of a tourney. Rhaegar won the joust, and after he did, he rode past his wife and dropped a crown of roses on Lyanna’s lap instead of his own wife’s lap. At this point, Lyanna was already promised to Robert Baratheon. Sansa notes that after Rhaegar chose her aunt, he kidnapped her and raped her. But did he really? Kidnap her, that is? Or were Rhaegar and Lyanna having an affair? Did that affair produce an offspring? Is that offspring the man who everyone thinks is the bastard of Ned Stark?

Littlefinger tells Sansa he’s leaving. He’s being summoned to King’s Landing. He outlines for Sansa how to take down the Boltons. He doesn’t give her a step by step plan, but gives her enough to plot her revenge.

Bronn and Jaime row to shore in the cover of darkness. They hide their boat. In the morning, Jamie wakes to see Bronn throwing a knife at his head…wait, not at his head, but at the viper about to bite his head. As they eat cooked viper, Bronn notes, “That would have been a shit way to die.” Jamie gets the best line of the episode with “As far as I’m concerned, they’re all shit ways.” As they set off on foot, Bronn worries that the captain of the ship will sell them out. As they’re discussing this, four men on horseback approach them. Looks like Bronn was right. Bronn asks Jaime how man he can take. Jaime says, “One…if he’s slow.” Bronn tries to talk to men into letting them go, but they’re not having it. Bronn earns his keep by immediately killing three of the men. He leaves the last one for Jaime. Jamie doesn’t fare well in this sword fight until he manages to catch the Dornishman’s sword in his metal hand. I like this new move of his. But man, what was Bronn going to do if Jamie died here?

Somewhere else along the Dornish shore, a rider meets up with three warrior girls. The rider unmasks. It’s Slutty Princess Leia. These girls are Oberin’s daughters, Nim, Obarah and something I didn’t catch. They have Jamie’s ship’s captain buried in the sand up to his neck. Huh, it looks like those guys who found Jamie and Bronn did it on dumb luck since these girls have the captain. One of the daughters gives a speech about Oberin teaching her how to fight. She punctuates the story by hurling her spear with pinpoint accuracy through the captain’s head. Now that is how you finish a story! These girls are like the Wu-Tang Clan: they ain’t nothing to fuck with.

Tyrion wants Friend Zone to ungag him. He sings through his gag until Jorah is annoyed enough to take the gag off. Tyrion asks who he is, but Friend Zone is being cagey. Tyrion points out that they’re headed the wrong way. They’re going east, and Westeros is west. Friend Zone tells him that he’s not taking him to Cersei, but to Dany. Tyrion deduces Friend Zone’s identity based on his armor. He then deduces exactly how Friend Zone fell out of favor with Dany. Tyrion manages to do what Tyrion does best, which is get under people’s skins, so Friend Zone knocks him unconscious.

Ser Barry tells Dany a bit about her brother Rhaegar. The most important line in this story is when Ser Barry says, “Rhaegar never liked killing. He liked singing.” This doesn’t sound like a man who would kidnap and rape Lyanna Stark. Dario interrupts, the guy who wants the fighting pits reopened is there to meet with Dany.

While Dany meets with this guy, the Sons of the Harpy make their move. They are sneaking through the hidden catacombs of the city. They emerge in a market and start killing wantonly. When the Unsullied approach, a crying woman points which direction the Sons went. As the Unsullied give head in that direction, she stops crying.

The Unsullied are in an empty hallway. Sons of the Harpy appear from all sides, cutting them off. The two groups fight, and there are casualties on both sides. Lots of them. An Unsullied’s helmet is knocked off. It’s Grey Worm. Noooooo, do not kill Grey Worm! In another party of town, two Unsullied are ambushed by eight Songs of the Harpy. They kill the two Unsullied quickly and move on.

Ser Barriston hears the warming bells and sees people fleeing. Like a true hero, he walks towards the direction of the trouble.

Grey Worm is taking hits. He’s stabbed multiple times, but keeps fighting. All of the Unsullied that he is with are dead. He’s fighting like an injured bull, sloppily, but still dangerous. When it looks the bleakest for Grey Worm, Ser Barriston makes the save, cutting through the Sons. See Barriston is a beast! This guy was the oldest serving knight in King’s Landing before being sent away and he is plowing through the Sons of the Harpy like they are nothing. Dude is straight Jedi. It’s like watching Obi-Wan fight Darth Vader in Star Wars. This gives Grey Worm renewed hope, and he fights back. But the Sons are two much even for Ser Bariston. He’s stabbed in the leg by one Son and the back by another. Neither will live to tell the tale, as Ser Barriston dispatches them both. But a third Son gets the better of him and is about to slit his throat before Grey Worm saves Barry, killing that final Son of the Harpy. Grey Worm falls on Ser Barriston, trying to check on him, but Ser Barriston is unconscious, or dead, I’m not sure, and then Grey Worm immediately passes out in a pool of his own blood. Nooooooo! Are we losing Barry and Grey Worm in the same week?!? Come on, GRRM!

Tuesday Night Movies

Movie reviews, Comics & General Geekery

Tag Archives: character death

Game of Thrones – S6E2 – Home – Recap

Game of Thrones – S6E1 – The Red Woman – Recap

Game of Thrones – S5E10 – Mother’s Mercy – Recap

Game of Thrones – S5E5 – Kill The Boy – Recap

Game of Thrones – S5E4 – Sons of the Harpy – Recap