If you’ve never read one of my recaps before, a few things. I’ve read some of the books, but only up to A Storm of Swords. I don’t want to read past the TV show. I ask that you please respect that, and while I welcome comments, I ask that you please don’t spoil anything that hasn’t happened on the show yet. Also, please forgive my use of nicknames. They started because I couldn’t keep track of all the characters names, and my favorites have stuck.

SPOILERS FOR GAME OF THRONES – SEASON 5, EPISODE 6 – UNBOWED, UNBENT, UNBROKEN FOLLOW. Proceed at your own risk.

The episode opens on Arya cleaning a dead body in the House of Black and White. Some dudes take the body, and leave the door ajar behind them. Arya can’t help by try to look. That bitchy girl slams the door shut and tells  her to get to work. Arya wants to do more than clean dead bodies and tells the girl she’s ready to be tested again. The girl then gives Arya her back story. She’s the daughter of a Westeros lord as well. The story involves a wicked stepmother who attempted to kill her, and the girl’s own vengeance. Arya is really digging it, and you can see on her face that she’s thinking these two could be BFF. Oh wait, sorry Arya, she was just playing you. This girl is like the Heath Ledger Joker, when he would come up with a new story every time for how he got his smile.

Later, Arya awakens to Jaqen asking her, “Who are you?” She answers, “Arya Stark.” He peppers her with more questions. Any time she lies, he can tell, and slaps her. Things get interesting when she talks about The Hound. She says, “I left the Hound to die. I hated him.” – SLAP. “I hated him” – SLAP. “That’s not a lie!” – SLAP!

Friend Zone and Tyrion win the award for getting to film in the most picturesque locale. The shore they’re on is absolutely stunning. When it’s clear that Jorah has no idea what’s going on in King’s Landing, Tyrion catches Jorah up on things. He unwittingly reveals to Friend Zone that Friend Zone’s dad is dead, and honestly feels bad about being the one to tell him. I like when Tyrion has honest moments like this. The piss and vinegar is fun, but I think Peter Dinklage really shines in scenes like this one.

Back at the House of Black and White, a father who traveled there with his daughter tells Arya his story. The daughter is sick and in much pain, so he brought her here. He just wants his daughter to not suffer anymore. After the bitchy girl’s story, I don’t know who to believe in this house anymore. Arya comforts the sick girl by sympathizing with her and telling the girl a made up story about how she used to be sick too. She tells the girl that her father brought her here also, and that by drinking the water from the fountain, she was cured. The girl drinks from the fountain. Jaqen watches from the shadows.

Later, when Arya is cleaning the same girl’s dead body, Jaqen joins her. He exits through the same door that’s always been denied her, but this time leaves it open. Arya follows him through the door and down many steps. He leads her to where they take the bodies. It’s a huge, cavernous chamber with gigantic columns. In the columns are faces…or are they heads? It’s hard to tell at first if they’re carved into the columns or if they’re actual decapitated, preserved heads. Closer up, they look like death masks, taken from castings of the dead people’s faces. Jaqen asks Arya, “Is the girl ready, to give up her ears, her nose her tongue?” and then says, “No, a girl is not ready to become no one. But she is ready to become someone else. ” And they look at one of the faces in the column, one that looks like a middle-aged woman.

Tyrion and Jorah are talking about Dany, which has to be Jorah’s favorite subject ever. Tyrion wants to know what’s Dany’s endgame. He doubts a girl who has never been to King’s Landing is capable of holding power in King’s Landing. He’s not talking about winning the throne, but rather staying on it. The pair encounter a group of slavers and are quickly captured. The slavers are going to send Jorah to the salt mines. Tyrion gets off even less lucky. They plan to slit his throat…and sell his cock. Why? Because “dwarf cocks have magic powers.” Tyrion immediately argues that if they want to sell his cock, they need him alive as proof that it came from a dwarf. When one of the slavers counters with, “It will be a dwarf sized cock,” Tyrion gets the best line of the episode with “GUESS AGAIN!” They decide to let Tyrion live until they find a buyer for his dwarf cock. The slavers are sailing away from the now ironically named Slaver’s Bay, which is in Dany’s now slave-free land.  But Tyrion convinces them to head there anyway to enter Jorah in the fighting pits. The slavers don’t initially believe Friend Zone to be a good fighter, laughing off Tyrion’s claim that Friend Zone is an excellent jouster. They dismiss jousting as a child’s game compared to the viciousness of the pits. But when Friend Zone tells them about the time he killed one of Khal Drogo’s Dothraki Bloodriders, they take him more seriously.

Littlefinger has made his way to King’s Landing. He’s stopped by Lancel and the Faith Militant. They brag about all the vices they’ve been stamping out in King’s Landing. I’m not sure why they don’t take Littlefinger into custody or beat him right there. They’ll rip up his whorehouses and beat up his staff and customers, but they seem to just let him off with a warning here. Did the High Sparrow tell them to spare him because of Cersei?

Littlefinger meets with Cersei. She wants to make sure that the Vale will remain loyal to the king. Littlefinger assures her that the Vale will, and then tells Cersei that his “sources” say Sansa is back in Winterfell. He doesn’t mention that his source is himself, the man who took her there. Littlefinger advises Cersei to let Roose Bolton and Stannis battle over Winterfell and then swoop in to take Winterfell from whomever wins. He conveniently offers to lead the knights of the Vale against the eventual holder of Winterfell, and be named Warden of the North for his loyalty and bravery. Cersei is very cunning, but I feel like she’s outclassed by Littlefinger when it comes to intrigue. He’s like a chess grandmaster, plotting many moves ahead of everyone else. Roose and Cersei both think he’s on their side. He’s perfectly set up for taking out Roose Bolton if the Boltons manage to fend off Stannis, as he has Sansa Stark in his pocket in Winterfell. It seems like Littlefinger’s ideal outcome is Stannis loses to Roose, and Sansa opens Winterfell’s gates for the knights of the Vale when Littlefinger comes calling.

In Dorne, Myrcella is hanging out with that Dornish prince whose name I never caught. He wants to marry her. Why are we even wasting our time on these two? Seriously, these two are the two least interesting part of this Dorne subplot. But they are dressed nice. The main Martell Prince watches from his balcony. He makes some ominous comments to his head guard. He wants to keep them safe and senses trouble coming.

Speaking of trouble, Jaime and Bronn are on horseback, dressed in the clothes of the Martell soldiers who tried to kill them. I love that they’re in costume. It reminds me of Luke and Han dressed as Stormtroopers in Star Wars, and of the Scarecrow and company dressed as the Wicked Witch of the West’s soldiers in The Wizard of Oz. Bronn is singing a song. Sadly, it’s not “Oh Ee Oh! Ooooooh oh!” Bronn asks Jaime what’s the plan after they grab Myrcella. Jaime tell him, “I like to improvise.” Bronn gets the second best line of the episode with, “That explains the golden hand.” Man, I can’t believe that Best Line Bronn didn’t take home the best line prize this week. You’re slipping, Bronn! They proceed to sneak into the castle all Wizard of Oz-style.

We get the title of this week’s episode from Slutty Princess Leia. She tells the viper girls, “Unbowed, unbent, unbroken.” Wait, is that her new names for them? I prefer my name for the viper girls: Whip, Swords and Spear.

Jaime and Bronn find Myrcella in the courtyard, making out with Tristane Martell. Tristane, that’s his name! I still don’t care about them. When it’s clear that Jaime and Bronn are there for Myrcella, Bronn warns Tristane, “Let’s not do something stupid.” Tristane makes a move, which prompts Bronn to knock him out and say, “That’s something stupid.” I take back what I said earlier. Best Line Bronn is back! Sorry, Tyrion.

The viper girls show up . Whip whips Jaime’s hand. While Jaime and Bronn are engaged with two of the viper girls, Whip grabs Myrcella and runs off. The Prince’s guard shows up and tells everyone to drop their weapons. Swords and Spear drop their swords and spear. Jaime and Bronn soon surrender too. The guard capture Slutty Princess Leia too.

Grandma and Princess Low Cut are in Highgarden. Grandma tells Princess Low Cut, “Let me deal with Cersei Lannister.”

Immediately cut to Grandma in King’s Landing, meeting with Cersei. Grandma wants her grandson, Ser Loras, freed. Cersei keeps up the whole “I didn’t arrest him” thing. Grandma wants to know how the kingdom will survive without Tyrell money. Cersei tells her Loras isn’t on trial, it’s only an inquest. An inquest sounds like grand jury; its purpose is to determine if Loras should stand trial. She then tells Grandma, “As for your veiled threats,” to which Grandma responds, “What veil?” Oooo! Sorry, Bronn. Grandma has the best line this episode. Bronn is now Second-Best Line Bronn.

At the inquest, Loras has never physically looked worse. He’s unclean, unwashed and unshaven. Princess Low Cut, King Tomlin, Cersei and Grandma are all there. The High Sparrow Septon is doing the questioning. Loras denies all the charges. The High Septon calls Queen Marjorie. She’s taken aback that he can even call the queen. He points out that the Faith Militant and the Sept stand apart from the kingdom. Queen Marjorie takes the stand and denies the charges too. The High Septon then calls some blonde dude that Loras clearly recognizes. It’s his old squire. Ruh-roh. The squire says that he and Loras used to get it on and that the Queen even walked in on them. Cersei says they can’t believe the word of squire over a knight and queen. No one believe Cersei is sincere…well, maybe Tomlin does. The High Septon decides to bring charges against Loras and Marjorie. The Faith Militant grab Princess Low Cut and Ser Loras. Tomlin does nothing to defend his wife. What a pussy. Hey Tom, you’ve got all those Kingsguard in armor around you! They could slice right through these branded religious nuts! Pussy.

From ever indication I’m seeing, I get the feeling that Cersei is quickly losing control of the High Sparrow and his Faith Militant. I wonder how soon it will be before they come for her because of the offspring she sired with her brother. I seriously have to wonder if Cersei doesn’t see that eventually the Faith Militant are going to come for her too. They’re willing to go after the current queen. And if the High Septon thinks homosexuality is bad, I can only wonder how he feels about incest. I’ve said that Cersei is one of the most cunning people on the show, but if she doesn’t see this eventually blowing up in her face, I may have to take that back.

Sansa is visited by Ramsey’s crazy girlfriend Miranda. She says Ramsey sent her to draw Sansa’s bath. Miranda bathes Sansa. During the bath, she advises Sansa not to bore Ramsey. Sansa wouldn’t want to end up like the others, and basically tries to freak Sansa out with stories of Ramsey killing women. Sansa immediately sees through Miranda’s shit and calls her out on it. “I am Sansa Stark of Winterfell. This is my home, and you can’t frighten me.” She dismisses Miranda.

Reek shows up to escort Sansa to the God’s Wood. Reek wants her to take his arm, saying that Ramsey will beat him if she doesn’t. Sansa makes it plain that after what Theon did to her family, she has exactly zero fucks left for whatever Ramsey might do to him. The God’s Wood is decorated with lanterns. In Winterfell, brides wear white wedding dresses that double as thick, winter coats. It makes sense when you consider the weddings take place outside while it’s snowing. When Sansa and Reek show up, everyone is already there. Roose Bolton asks “Who gives her? to which Reek responds, “Theon of House Greyjoy…who was her father’s ward.” That’s the first time in a long time Reek has referred to himself as Theon. He almost seemed to have heard himself there, definitely pausing before saying he was Ned’s ward. It’s as if he remembered his betrayal of the Starks, and actually feels bad about it.

Ramsey is the creepiest groom ever.

Ramsey takes Sansa to the wedding bedroom. Reek has accompanied them, and stands in the doorway, waiting to be dismissed. Ramsey wants to know why Sansa is still a virgin. Sansa assures him that Tyrion was very nice to her and never forced himself on her. Ramsey tells Sansa, “Take of your clothes.” Reek goes to leave. Ramsey says, “No. You stay here, Reek. You watch.” Double you. Tee. Eff. Sansa really has the worst luck when it comes to men. I can’t decide who is worse, Joffrey, who killed her father, or Ramsey. Reek shuts the door as Sansa begins to undo her clothes. Reek, please stab Ramsey, please stab Ramsey. Ramsey tells Reek again to watch. Reek looks like he is going to cry. Ramsey says, “You’ve known Sansa since she was a girl. Now watch her become a woman.” Ramsey rips the back of Sansa’s dress, and mounts her from behind. Reek watches, tears streaming down his face.

This show is fucked up.