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On The Couch 2011 #3: Blue Crush

I ran a half marathon on the morning of the day that I saw Blue Crush. This movie is a testament to what I will sit through instead of forcing my body to get up and find the remote control after I run a half marathon.

It’s really hard to express just how a bad a movie Blue Crush is.

Defenders of the movie will say “You don’t watch Blue Crush for the story. You watch it for the girls in bikinis.” Which girls? Kate Bosworth is the best looking of the trio and that really isn’t saying much. I’ve never found Michelle “DUI” Rodriguez attractive out of a bikini. It turns out nothing changes when you put her in one. And the third girl looks like one of the aliens that created the clone army in Star Wars Episode 2.

It’s hard to tell which one costarred in Blue Crush.

I totally missed that the younger sister was supposed to be 15. She looks like she’s 11. The scenes where older guys are hitting on her were disgusting when I thought she was 11, but still gross when I found out she was 15. Statutory rape isn’t cool any way you slice it.

Hawaii looks really nice in Blue Crush. But that’s no reason to watch this movie. If your goal is to forget about this cold winter by watching a movie set in a tropic locale, watch Forgetting Sarah Marshall instead. It’s funny, has cuter girls, and Paul Rudd is in it, which are three of many things lacking in Blue Crush.

Better movie.
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On The Couch 2011 #2: The Dutchess

Keira Knightley has it bad in The Duchess. She gets screwed over by everyone. Her mother, her husband, her best friend, if someone is talking to Keira Knightley in The Duchess, there’s a very large chance they will at one point screw her over and screw her over bad.

I get that writers are supposed to put their characters through hell to make their stories engaging, but can’t the Duchess catch a break? Wait, this is based on a true story? And it doesn’t end with the Duchess hanging herself? Talk about a strong woman. Watching The Duchess, I felt bad about complaining about the subway running local. Comparitively, I wasn’t having a bad a day after all.

Helena Bonham Carter wants her wig back.

Period pieces aren’t usually my thing, so I was surprised by how much I enjoyed The Duchess. I guess that’s a testament to putting your characters through hell, because seeing life take a dump on the Duchess did make for a remarkably watchable movie.

And that Keira Knightly is nothing but charming.
It’s funny I say that, because I actually said “Dammnnnn!” the first time Ralph Fiennes took his shirt off in The Duchess. Good God that Voldemort is jacked!

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On The Couch 2011 #1: Fanboys

It’s safe to say that I am the biggest Star Wars fan that a lot of my friends know. I quote lines from the movies. I was incredibly excited to find out that Hasbro was finally releasing the Rocket-Firing Boba Fett action figure. I went a midnight screening of Episode 3 and camped out for tickets to Episode 1.

The sight of childhood dreams realized.

But I’m nowhere near the biggest Star Wars fan that I know. I’ve read a lot of the books, but not even close to all of them. I don’t have any Star Wars tattoos. And I’ve never gone to a convention dressed as a Stormtrooper. The closest I’ve come to that was my Darth Hawaii Halloween costume.

No matter what your level of Star Wars fandom is though, if you’ve ever called yourself a Star Wars fan, you really need to watch Fanboys. It captures the anticipation that was in the lead up to the release of Episode 1 perfectly. The spring of 1999 felt like it was the start of a new golden age if you were a Star Wars fan. We were getting a new movie, the first in a decade and a half, and not only was it a new movie, it was the start of the long rumored, but never realized prequels.

Fanboys has an especially prescient Jar Jar Binks joke. I remember before Episode 1 came out, seeing a Jar Jar Binks action figure at a Philadelphia Wal-Mart and thinking that he was going to be the next Chewbacca. As wrong as I was, a character in Fanboys makes the same error, but on an exponentially worse scale.

Want a fun game to play during Fanboys? Try and spot all of Seth Rogen’s roles in the movie!
I’ve met the people in Fanboys. I know the people in Fanboys. No, not the actors. I know people who are just like the characters here. This movie isn’t as full of caricatures as people might think. It seems like a pretty accurate portrayal of the extreme side of Star Wars fandom.

I loved the little things that were thrown into Fanboys for the Star Wars fans watching the movie. It’s hard to find a scene in the movie that doesn’t have some kind of homage to Star Wars in it. And the trash compactor scene is priceless.

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The Tuesday Night Movies 2011 Oscar Predictions

Need some early help with your 2011 Oscars office pool? Tuesday Night Movies is here to help! All I ask is for a 10% cut.

Best Picture:
Out of the 10 Best Picture nominees, I have seen 9. I would like to see The Kids Are All Right before the Oscars are handed out, but I don’t think seeing it will change my pick here.

Should Win: Toy Story 3
Will Win: True Grit

Actor:
It’s a tough call between Jeff Bridges, Jesse Eisenberg and Colin Firth. As great as Jesse Eisenberg was with his quick talking monotone with his potrayal of Mark Zuckerberg, I’m going with…

Jeff Bridges, True Grit

Actress:
Natalie Portman, Black Swan

Supporting Actor:
Christian Bale, The Fighter

Supporting Actress:
Melissa Leo, The Fighter

Director:
This was the hardest category for me to choose a winner. I could see any of the nominees taking this one. I’m picking…

Joel & Ethan Cohen, True Grit

Animated Feature:
Toy Story 3

Adapted Screenplay:
The Social Network

Original Screenplay:
Inception

Best Foreign Language Film:
I actually didn’t see any of these. Not surprisingly, Mademoiselle Chambon didn’t make the list of nominees. I’m going to try to watch these between now and Oscar time.

Nominees I Have Not Seen Yet: The Kids Are All Right, The Illusionist, Blue Valentine, Rabbit Hole, Animal Kingdom, Another Year, Biutiful, Dogtooth, A Better World, Incendies, Outside the Law

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How They Rank: At the Theater 2010

Here they are, all 52 movies I watched in the theater in 2010, with my thoughts on my top 5 and bottom 5 for the year.

1. Toy Story 3 (viewed 6/15/10):  It’s rare for the third installment of a franchise to be a winner, but Toy Story 3 definitely is. Where else are you going to find toys getting existential trying to figure out what happens when their owner grows up.

2. Youth in Revolt (viewed 2/3/10): Proving once and for all that Michael Cera isn’t just George Michael Bluth.

3. True Grit (viewed 12/23/10): My pick for this year’s Oscar winner. The Coens hit a home run here.

4. The Fighter (viewed 12/29/10): Weeks after seeing The Fighter, I’m still thinking about it. I’m looking forward to seeing this again.

5. Iron Man 2 (viewed 5/13/10): Action movie sequels don’t have to suck. Sometimes they’re just as good as the original.

6. The Town (viewed 10/4/10)

7. Scott Pilgrim vs. The World (viewed 8/9/10)
8. Inception (viewed 7/17/10)
9. The King’s Speech (viewed 12/21/10)
10. Winter’s Bone (viewed 12/21/10)
11. Today’s Special (viewed 12/14/10)
12. Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 (viewed 11/20/10)
13. Exit Through the Gift Shop (viewed 5/31/10)
14. The Social Network (viewed 10/10/10)
15. The Fantastic Mr. Fox (viewed 1/12/10)
16. Inside Job (viewed 12/21/10)
17. Sherlock Holmes (viewed 1/7/10)
18. Easy A (viewed 9/14/10)
19. Mega Mind 3D (viewed 12/3/10)
20. Despicable Me (viewed 7/21/10)
21. Black Swan (viewed 11/18/10)
22. Tangled (viewed 12/31/10)
23. Unstoppable (viewed 12/16/10)
24. 127 Hours (viewed 11/29/10)
25. It’s Kind of a Funny Story (viewed 10/7/10)
26. Love and Other Drugs (viewed 12/7/10)
27. Red (viewed 11/8/10)
28. How to Train Your Dragon 3D (viewed 4/15/10)
29. Kick-Ass (viewed 4/27/10)
30. Fair Game (12/17/10)
31. Hot Tub Time Machine (viewed 3/15/10)
32. Up in the Air (viewed 1/21/10)
33. The Ghost Writer (viewed 3/25/10)
34. An Education (viewed 2/10/10)
35. Due Date (viewed 12/8/10)
36. Cyrus (viewed 7/5/10)
37. Oceans (viewed 7/20/10)
38. The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus (viewed 1/26/10)
39. The Last Station (viewed 2/18/10)
40. Grease Sing-A-Long (viewed 7/16/10)
41. Snowmen (viewed 5/1/10)
42. Letters to Juliet (viewed 6/22/10)
43. Paper Man (viewed 5/1/10)
44. Date Night (viewed 5/6/10)
45. Little Fockers (viewed 12/13/10)
46. Tron: Legacy 3D (viewed 12/30/10)
47. Alice in Wonderland (viewed 3/8/10)
48. A Single Man (viewed 3/5/10): See The King’s Speech instead to get your Colin Firth fix.

49. How Do You Know (viewed 12/21/10): Not even the combined cuteness of Reese Witherspoon, Owen Wilson and Paul Rudd could save this one. This was the weakest link of Super Tuesday.

50. Mademoiselle Chambon (viewed 7/2/10): I’m amazed I didn’t fall asleep during this boring French adultery film.

51. Greenberg (viewed 4/10/10): I wasn’t ready for a movie this bad only two days after Remember Me.

52. Remember Me (viewed 4/8/10):  The Wackness of 2010.

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How They Rank: On the Couch 2010

For posterity’s sake, I wanted to post a list of 52 movies I watched on the couch in 2010 with my thoughts on the my 5 and bottom 5 films of the year.

1. The Lives of Others (viewed 5/12/10): Rent this now. Don’t wait for the American remake.

2. Zombieland (viewed 3/19/10): BM FTW

3. Shades of Ray (viewed 12/21/10): Best romantic comedy I saw in 2010.

4. Rudy (viewed 12/18/10): This movie inspired me to finish the year at 52 and 52 despite being seriously under those numbers at the start of December.

5.The Iron Giant (viewed 12/19/10): This and Rudy are a 1-2 punch of tearjerkers

6. Inglourious Basterds (viewed 1/20/10)

7. Mystery Team (viewed 8/5/10)
8. Blood Diamond (viewed 6/27/10)
9. The Hurt Locker (viewed 3/7/10)
10. Food Inc. (viewed 3/4/10)
11. Shutter Island (viewed 10/15/10)
12. Taking Woodstock (viewed 9/23/10)
13. She’s Out of My League (viewed 8/4/10)
14. Marathon Man (viwed 11/11/10)
15. First Blood (viewed 11/11/10)
16. Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs (viewed 3/14/10)
17. Fred Claus (viewed 12/18/10)
18. Brothers (viewed 6/4/10)
19. Batman: Under The Red Hood (viewed 11/15/10)
20. The Informant! (viewed 4/22/10)
21. Spies Like Us (viewed 6/29/10)
22. Charlie St. Cloud (viewed 12/19/10)
23. Top Gun (viewed 11/7/10)
24. An American Crime (viewed 5/29/10)
25. Raising Arizona (viewed 4/28/10)
26. The King of Kong (viewed 1/2/10)
27. The Incredible Hulk (viewed 5/24/10)
28. Funny People (viewed 2/4/10)
29. Braveheart (viewed 12/16/10)
30. The Blind Side (viewed 8/21/10)
31. Dawn of the Dead (viewed 10/24/10)
32. 28 Weeks Later (viewed 10/25/10)
33. When in Rome (viewed 8/23/10)
34. The Men Who Stare at Goats (viewed 3/31/10)
35. The Proposal (viewed 12/25/10)
36. Julie & Julia (viewed 2/14/10)
37. District 9 (viewed 3/3/10)
38. Risky Business (viewed 8/18/10)
39. Justice League: Crisis on Two Earths (viewed 3/29/10)
40. Scarface (viewed 11/23/10)
41. Couples Retreat (viewed 4/9/10)
42. The Secret of Kells (viewed 11/13/10)
43. House of 1000 Corpses (viewed 11/8/10)
44. Superman/Batman: Public Enemies (viewed 3/28/10)
45. It’s Complicated
46. Bad Santa (viewed 12/31/10)
47. Green Zone (viewed 8/22/10)
48.Planet Hulk (viewed 5/27/10): Gladiator Hulk should be a great movie. But it isn’t.

49. Biggie & Tupac (viewed 1/2/10): Or How To Not Make a Documentary.

50. Bruno (viewed 4/11/10): This failed in every way that Borat worked.

51. The Ugly Truth (viewed 9/4/10) Making Bruno look good since 2010.

52. The Room (viewed 5/18/10): I’ve been accused of not getting it. Maybe The Room 3D will fix that.

Coming up next…How They Rank: At The Theater 2010

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At The Theater #52: Tangled

Talk about coming in at the wire! With less than 12 hours left in 2010, I caught a 1PM screening of Tangled, my 52nd movie at the theater for the year! I was joined by the people who I saw my first movie of the year with, and who I will hopefully see more movies with in the future.
Movie #52! I did it! Wooo!
I loved Tangled. 2010 has been a great year for animated movies. Toy Story 3, Mega Mind, How to Train Your Dragon, Despicable Me and Tangled were all great.
Rapunzel is well versed in the martial art of deadly frying pan.
Despite Mandy Moore costarring in Tangled, I didn’t realize it was a musical until she belted out her first song. Most of the songs that Rapunzel sings are forgettable, but the ruffians centric “I’ve Got a Dream” is terrific. It’s definitely the best song in the movie and might be the next song I sing out at karaoke.
Zachary Levi and Mandy Moore have great chemistry together, or should I say their voices and animated avatars have great chemistry together. I love Zachary Levi from Chuck and Shades of Ray. He doesn’t disappoint here.
There isn’t a hair dryer powerful enough.
Don’t think of Tangled as a kids’ movie. It’s an all ages movie in the broadest sense. I can see people of any age enjoying it.
Well, that’s it for 2010. 52 movies on the couch and 52 movies at the theater. On December 1, I thought the likelihood of completion was small. But here we are. Mission accomplished!
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On The Couch #52: Bad Santa

I didn’t mean for Bad Santa to be my movie to close out movies on the couch for 2010. I added it to my Netflix queue in time to have it delivered for Christmas. I thought about doing a Fred Claus/Bad Santa double feature right before Christmas. Unfortunately, Bad Santa went from available to “very long wait” right before Christmas. It went right back to available the day after Christmas, sent to me like a belated gift from Netflix.
The Blu-Ray of Bad Santa offers two versions of the movie: the unrated cut, dubbed Badder Santa, and the director’s cut. I would have appreciated a third option, the theatrical release. Choosing between the director’s cut and the unrated cut seemed like a lose-lose. I’m not a fan of unrated edition of movies on DVD. When unrated cuts first appeared, they seemed really cool. Here were all the jokes that were too racy for those prudes at the MPAA. Unfortunately, the reality of the situation is that the unrated cut is often a bloated mess. The extra scenes ruin the pacing of the movie, making these movies seem overlong. A lot of bits that make it into the unrated cut were cut from the theatrical release for a reason, and it’s not always the MPAA.
I wonder how many people bought Badder Santa thinking it was a sequel.
I decided to go with the Badder Santa unrated version. A former coworker told me it was his favorite Christmas movie. I’m glad I don’t work with him anymore. It would be hard to tell him that his favorite Christmas movie is garbage. Why? Why did I pick Bad Santa to close out the on the couch movies from 2010? Why couldn’t I have gone with Rambo or One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest? This question will haunt me for a long time.
The story of Bad Santa is a complete mess. For a comedy, it’s very low on comedic scenes.  I’m not against bad language by any means, but when there has to be more to a joke than just the word “fuck.” Also, how many times can you go to the well that Santa is drunk is public or having public sex in his Santa suit? The makers of Bad Santa would answer there is no limit, because the movie is just one big string of drunk Santa and horny Santa for an hour and forty minutes.
I think the success of Bad Santa can be attributed to two factors. In 2003, Gilmore Girls was going strong and people wanted to see Mama Gilmore Lauren Graham in skimpy outfits. Also, Bernie Mac was one of the top comedians in the country at the time. I think if you took the two of them out of Bad Santa, it would have bombed.
I’m really glad that Bad Santa wasn’t the last movie by the late John Ritter. He’s completely wasted here. Thank goodness he made Clifford’s Really Big Movie after this.
Where’s my gift receipt, Netflix? I don’t want Bad Santa anymore.
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At The Theater #51: Tron Legacy 3D

If you’re going to see Tron Legacy in the theater, you should really see it on the IMAX. But please don’t take this as an endorsement that you should see Tron Legacy in the theater. It’s really not that good.
In a lot of ways, Tron Legacy is similar to another disappointing movie from this year, Alice in Wonderland. Both are new takes of classic stories (Am I stretching too far calling Tron a classic story? I never saw it.). Both were hyped up because of their special effects. Both were entirely too long. And both caused at least person I saw each with to fall asleep during the movie. I’m ranking Tron Legacy just above Alice in Wonderland, but not by much. I guess I just liked the glow in the dark raver gear.
The Tron light cycle was one of my favorite toys growing up. I never saw Tron, but GI Joe had no problem co-opting Tron’s gear.
Even though the movie wasn’t very good, I bet you’re going to see a lot of Tron Legacy inspired costumes at Halloween next year. Buy your reflector strips now, because there won’t be any come October.
If you’ve ever seen Star Wars, a lot of Tron Legacy will have a familiar feel to it. When he is introduced, CLU comes off like Darth Vader on club night. And the only way to tell Jeff Bridges’s character Flynn apart from Obi-Wan Kenobi is that Flynn’s Jedi robes are easier to see at night.
CGI Young Jeff Bridges looks more like Patrick Swayze to me.
I wonder if I would enjoy Tron Legacy more if I saw the original Tron. Maybe that would explain why Bruce Boxleitner is both Alan and Tron. Unfortunately, Disney won’t let me do that. Disney pulled the Tron DVD from both stores and Netflix right before Tron Legacy was released. It seems like the new movie is a great way to get people interested in seeing the original. I don’t know anyone who was going out of their way to watch Tron before Tron Legacy, but I know a few people who are scratching their heads over why Disney pulled Tron from shelves. I thought the obvious play would be for Disney to do a quick repackaging in time for Tron Legacy’s release, stuffed with a movie cash coupon to see Tron Legacy at a discount. I guessed wrong. If I haven’t lost complete interest in the convoluted world of Tron by the time the original is rereleased on DVD, I’ll probably watch it. Though I don’t know how long I’m really going to care about the Tron mythos.
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At The Theater #50: The Fighter

“Want to see The Fighter at the AMC 34th St at 5:40?” Can you spot what’s wrong with that sentence? If you live in New York City you might realize it breaks a cardinal rule of movie going here, namely you need to specify which 34th St movie theater you mean. There are two, and unlike the dueling theaters on 42nd St, they’re completely across town from each other. To add to potential confusion, they’re both owned by AMC-Loews. I should have realized the chances of my cousin and I ending up at different theaters were 100% when I texted him the above quote on 12/29/10.
After discovering we were at different theaters, we didn’t give up. Giving up would be antithetical to the story of The Figther. It would go against every sports movie ever! And I have three movies to watch in the theater with only three days remaining in the year!
We decided to put our fate in the hands of the New York City Transit Authority and headed downtown to the Village East from opposite ends of 34th St.
Transit Tip: If there has been a recent blizzard that knocked out multiple subway lines, stick to the line you know in running well, even if it might leave you slightly further away. Wow, two lessons learned today and I hadn’t even bought my movie ticket yet!
We made it to the Village East with time to spare. Thank you New York City Transit!
If you hate boxing, but have a crush on Amy Adams, here’s your reason to see The Fighter.

The Fighter is an excellent movie and is one of my tops for the year. I’m not a boxing fan and knew next to nothing about Mickey Ward or his brother Dicky Eklund going into the movie. But director David O. Russell does a great job drawing into the story of the two brothers. I also really loved how the fight scenes were shot to look like a televised boxing match.
Mickey’s sisters look a collection of fairytale villains. Is that Gollum on the left?

The Fighter does a great job of getting you inside the head of Mickey Ward. He’s stuck in the shadow of his washed up, crackhead brother Dicky. He’s being mismanaged, but can’t bring himself to fire his manager because she’s also his mother. He also can’t bring himself to fire his crackhead trainer, because his crackhead trainer is also his crackhead brother. His life is going nowhere, and it’s not until he meets his new girlfriend Charlotte that his life gets any direction.

If someone ever produces The Linda McMahon Story, Melissa Leo needs to be cast in the title role.

People told me that Christian Bale steals the show. I think he’s great in The Fighter, but I feel like saying he steals the show takes away from the great jobs that Mark Wahlberg, Amy Adams and Melissa Leo. But yeah, Christain Bale is awesome as usual here.
Christian Bale’s ability to morph into another person is eerie.
Go see The Fighter. It’s a great movie. I doubt you’ll be disappointed.