Osombie – Review

1/5 – This puts the zero in Zero Dark Thirty.

After watching Zero Dark Thirty, I headed home and popped its sequel, Osombie. I won’t lie, I was genuinely excited for a movie about Osama Bin Laden coming back as a zombie. Sadly, it didn’t live up to my expectations.

Savage Dragon did it better.

Osombie begins where Zero Dark Thirty ends, with the assassination of Osama Bin Laden. Unlike the raid in Zero Dark Thirty, Osombie reveals that UBL had zombies in his basement. Before being taken out by Seal Team Six, UBL downs a couple of One A Day vitamins zombie pills.

That’s right, I said zombie pills. The zombies in Osombie are the results of a super soldier program gone wrong. Instead of making Captain America, the program created a bunch of biters. I can’t help but think this was a needlessly complicated plot device. With a zombie outbreak, you don’t need to spend this long explaining how the zombies came to be. They’re here. They’re hungry. That’s enough.

I had a few problems with Osombie beyond the zombie pills. For one, if the US and British governments are aware of the zombie problem, why did they only send a small group of soldiers to wander around the desert to deal with it? The US and Great Britain are worried about the zombies making it over the border and a worldwide outbreak ensuing. So they end a half dozen people, on foot, to deal with it? I get not wanting to risk your own soldiers getting infected by sending legions of soldiers, but this is ridiculous.

All of the characters behave like they have god-mode turned on. Unfortunately for each of them, god-mode decides to turn itself off without warning.

God-mode fail.

Can we get that one guy in the squad to put his shirt back on? I get it, you want to show off your abs to your colleagues, but you do realize that the #1 cause of zombie infection is them biting through bare skin, right? Not to mention the skin cancer risks.

“I didn’t know the risks! For the love of God, where’s my shirt?!”

It’s amazing how little seems to happen over the course of the movie. Most of the film is spent following these soldiers riffing on things while wandering around the desert. It’s like Clerks 2 meets a sandbox. The most annoying of these characters is Joker, the “funny” guy in the group. His jokes are so lame that he had to steal a bit from another movie. Don’t think I didn’t notice that, screenwriter Kurt Hale.

I kept rooting for a group of zombies to just devour Joker.

Osombie is such a great name for a zombie movie! Why’d they waste that on this script? The movie plays out like it was written from someone’s first draft from Screenwriting 1. The only way I’d be able to recommend this movie is if Kevin, Mike and Bill make a Rifftrax for it.