I am super excited to start recapping my household’s second favorite show about clones* for Tuesday Night Movies. So without further ado, let’s get started.

We start off with the hardest working Canadian in show business, Tatiana Maslany, playing main clone Sarah, who has just found out that her daughter Kira and foster mother Mrs. S. are missing. Sarah sits in a diner where, using her special pink clone phone, she realizes that Alison and Cosima’s phones have been disconnected. She dials dreamboat monitor Paul, but only gets his voicemail. At this point, two people enter the diner: an extra from Mad Men and another from Dallas.

Dallas gets into the discussion with the diner owner about whether his eggs are free-range or not. Eventually the two goons corner Sarah, leading diner owner to pull a gun on them. Unfortunately, organic food freak Dallas shoots the diner owner, and the diner owner gets in a kill shot, too. This gives Sarah enough time to head to Canada’s grossest diner bathroom before Mad Men goes in after her. Luckily, Sarah’s badass bionic clone leg lets her kick her way out of the bathroom’s wall before she inhales too much fecal matter and also before Mad Men can get in.

It’s definitely time for some comic relief, so Sarah makes her way to Felix who is—of course—at a gay nightclub in his favorite assless chaps (our first glimpse of pasty man thigh in this episode). Sarah fills Felix in on Kira’s kidnapping. Meanwhile, we see Cosima and Delphine together in another location. Delphine is taking Cosima’s blood and we learn Cosima is planning to start gathering her own lab results.

Straight from the nightclub, Felix visits the clone most likely to have a gun (and a velour tracksuit): soccer mom Alison. We find out that Alison has been laying off the prescription meds, trying to get her life back on track, and is even “doing a musical.” (“Oh my God, not Cats!” Felix prays.) However, she still knows an exotically-monikered person named Ramon who should be able to get them an unregistered gun. This scene is also where we get our second look at pasty man thigh, courtesy of Alison’s husband/monitor who makes an appearance in his tiny, tiny briefs.

The next day, Sarah manages to get a message to Paul and outsmart a sinister Men in Black dude by finding a non-clone who still looks the same from the back as Tatiana Maslany. We also see Delphine hand over what we assume is Cosima’s blood to Dr. Leekey, keeping us unsure as to whose side she’s really on. And we meet the mysterious Ramon who—as it turns out—is a floppy-haired Walmart (sorry, “Econo-mart”) employee in a blue vest, and also Alison’s friendly neighborhood prescription pill/gun dealer.

Afterward, Alison attends her community theater rehearsal for, as it turns out, not Cats but close, where she discovers that being a second-degree murderer does a thespian good. Now that nosy neighbor Aynsley is out of the way, Alison has snagged the lead role of Sheila.

Beth’s former cop partner Art makes an appearance at the rehearsal, and tells new partner Angela what he saw before they run into Sarah. Angela handcuffs Sarah and gets her into the car.  Sarah tries to tell Art what’s going on with Kira and about the two guys at the diner, but Angela is not buying it. Angela goes to check out the diner and finds dead diner owner and dead Dallas. When Angela gets back, Art makes it clear that he thinks they should let Sarah go. Once Sarah leaves, Art tells Angela that Sarah almost trusts her.

Paul is still with Rachel Duncan, a.k.a. business suit clone who’s in cohorts with Dr. Leekie, and gets told by her that they leave for Taiwan on Tuesday. Meanwhile Leekie approaches Rachel, and we discover that he isn’t sure whether Rachel is behind Kira’s kidnapping or not. Rachel reassures him that it’s better if he stays out of it. Their goal is to get Sarah to meet with them and she’ll make sure that happens.

Meanwhile, Econo-mart Ramon delivers the gun with a floral arrangement and a glittery, handmade card by Alison to Felix’s loft where Felix, Cosima and Sarah are planning how they’re going to get into the DYAD the next day. Sarah is convinced that’s where they are keeping Kira and she plans on going in with a gun and getting her back from Rachel. Meanwhile, Cosima suggests going in herself, since she’s on the guest list for an event the DYAD is having. Sarah calls Paul, and ends up talking to Men in Black. She tells him they’ll be meeting at 9 PM and that she’ll be driving the red minivan. This of course leads Men in Black to inadvertently attack Alison, who does not go down without a fight—and by fight, we mean a lot of mace and a bejeweled rape whistle.

Meanwhile we see Cosima enter the DYAD party. She acts awkwardly when Delphine comes up and kisses her, then gives Leekie an even more awkward hug in order to steal his keycard. Of course, it then becomes clear that this isn’t Cosima at all, but Sarah in braids, securing Delphine the Worst Girlfriend Award since she can’t seem to tell the difference between years-cultivated dreadlocks and a couple of fresh plaits.

Rachel is telling some Taiwanese businessmen about her plans for the future of her clone patents. Once they leave, Sarah and her gun enter the room. Rachel reveals that she actually wasn’t the one responsible for Kira’s kidnapping. We see some clone-on-clone fighting before Paul comes in with a gun and tells Sarah to back off. Sarah knocks Rachel out, and there’s a charged moment between Paul and Sarah, before Sarah slaps him with the gun also. Paul, and half the audience, is pretty upset that she might have messed up his soap opera face. Then he lets her go and tells her he’ll come up with a story once Rachel comes to.

Sarah goes to Art’s and tells him that somebody else took Kira. “I know,” Art says before explaining that they found out that the Dallas extra from the diner was a religious extremist. “Helena’s people,” Sarah says. Art asks her to tell him the whole story.

Cut to a hospital where we find out that Helena, though badly wounded by Sarah’s gun in the previous season finale, is still alive and seeking medical attention. She collapses in front of the hospital front desk, but not before she sees that the Mad Men extra has come in, now also dressed like a cowboy. He has Helena’s religious fish symbol on his belt.

In the final scene, we get a glimpse of Kira, who is getting her picture taken by an unknown male.

This Episode’s Clone MVP: Alison, obvs, who managed to procure an unregistered gun, perform a number from not-Cats, make a beribboned and glittered homemade card, and blow a bedazzled rape whistle in one episode.

Best Line Delivered by Felix: “Oh, my God. Not Cats.”

Best Line Delivered by a Character Other Than Felix: “Can I touch your boob?” – boy on train in response to Sarah asking him if she can use his phone.

 

*My husband loooooves Clone High. He is also, I think, one of three people in America who remembers Clone High.