On The Couch 2011 #22: The Expendables

When I first saw the poster for The Expendables, I thought, “Who is going to see that?” And then the movie came out and it was box office gold. I was shocked it did so well. The trailer made it look like the schlockiest, overdone action movie in years. I didn’t understand how there was this much demand for 1980s action nostalgia. But that was back before I dove into the glory that is the Rambo universe. I may divide my life into Before Seeing Rambo (BSR) and After Seeing Rambo (ASR) going forward. After watching Rambo III, I immediately wanted to watch Rambo followed by The Expendables. After seeing Rambo (First Blood Pt. 4, not Part 2), I thought I could wait a little before seeing The Expendables. Is this all the proof you need that Rambo III is better than Rambo?

For a movie called The Expendables, they’re all surprisingly resilient. I was surprised to see none of the team members die, not even in an inspiring “I die so you can live” scenario. Even team betrayer and all around psycho Gunner Jensen, played by The Punisher’s Dolph Lundgren survives a vicious stabbing AND is allowed back on the team! How do you make room for fresh faces in the sequel if everyone makes it out this time around?

Speaking of Dolph Lundren, if there is anything that has degraded more amazingly since the 1980’s than Domino’s Mickey Rourke’s looks, it’s Dolph Lundgren’s acting ability. How this is possible when you consider how bad an actor Dolph was even at the top of his game is beyond me. But it’s true.

Sylvester Stallone with Christina Aguilera on the set of her video for Beautiful.

If any of The Expendables was expendable, it was definitely Get Smart’s Terry Crews. I kept asking myself, “Am I forgetting the iconic action role that Terry Crews played to get him a spot in this movie?” And then I remembered, he was the dad on Everybody Hates Chris. Sorry for the hassle, Mr. Crews. My bad. You action hero legacy is justified.

The weird thing about The Expendables is that while it didn’t do much for me, I already find myself interested in the sequel that’s in the works for 2012. Replicant’s Jean-Claude Van Damme and Sidekick’s Chuck Norris are both listed on the IMDB page as possibly being in it. I have some more suggestions for the producers: 1. Steven Segal (needs to lose weight first), 2. Jackie Chan (needs to lose Chris Tucker first) and 3. Danny Glover (as Sugartits).

“If you don’t put me in the sequel, I will eat this snake’s butt!”
He’s not kidding! I’ve seen him do it!

The Expendables has something for everybody, regardless if you’re a fan of 1980s action stars, 1990s action stars or 2000s action stars. That’s everybody, right?