On The Couch 2011 #13: Eclipse

I remember watching a cartoon as a kid where someone throws a boomerang at someone else. The boomerang misses, the target gloats and inevitably gets hit in the back of the head by the returning boomerang. I can’t pin this scene down to a specific cartoon because I think it happened in every cartoon that involves a boomerang. But this scene is like me and Eclipse. I dodged Eclipse at the theater in the 52 movies in 52 weeks quest of 2010, but the Eclipserang smacked me in the back of the head on its DVD release.

I will say this about Eclipse; it is definitely the best Twilight movie yet. The plot is very similar to X2. The Cullens (Brotherhood of Evil Mutants) and Jacob’s tribe (X-Men) have to team up to stop a common enemy, the hipster vampire army (Stryker). That said, if it comes down to it, choose X2 over Eclipse every time. Every. Time.

Watch this instead.

Does anyone else find it weird that the vampire that looked like a constipated Austin Scarlett from season one of Project Runway and seemed functionally retarded in the first movie turns out to be a Civil War era MMA badass?

Some of you vill be in…and some of you vill be out.

After I saw the first Twilight movie, I had a realization that all the Edward-maniacs have no problem overlooking, that the Cullens are a bunch of racists. They hate Native Americans big time. This point is further backed up in the second movie, where Edward and company continually talk smack on Jacob’s people, how bad they smell, etc. Sure, Team Edward will tell you it’s not because they’re Native Americans, but because they’re werewolves that Ku Klux Cullen hates them so much. But when every werewolf in the movie is a Native American (and vice versa), that seems as good an argument as “But my best friend is black.” The Cullens’ racism is less overt in this installment, until you find out that Austin Scarlett used to be Johnny Reb; the ironic part being that Austin Scarlett seems to be the vampire coolest about working with the wolves. It’s nice to see that he’s reformed, and has found a good laxative.

I think it would be a great move if the Twilight producers scrap whatever is in the fourth Twilight book and just make the next movie about Austin Scarlett’s badass vampire twin. Have him and Jacob team up and go on a cross country ass-kicking tour. Maybe Austin could design a new outfit for Jacob after convincing him that the no shirt and denim shorts make him look like a 1980s wrestler.

Can someone explain to me the whole naming process behind the Twilight books and movies? Are they thematic, or are they just random phrases about the night sky that sound nice? Now that Stephanie Meyer has hit dawn with her last title, may I suggest The Twilight Saga: Double Rainbow as the title of book five?

Oh, and Team Jacob all the way.