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On The Couch #14: Couples Retreat

Couples Retreat was the second movie I saw in a four movies over four days binge. If you asked me at the start if I thought Couples Retreat was going to be the best of the bunch, I would have laughed. But compared to Remember Me, Greenberg and Bruno, Couples Retreat seems like comedic gold.

I don’t want to go overboard with my praise for Couple Retreat. At best, I could sum up the movie as “meh.” It’s the kind of movie that comes on TBS on a random Sunday afternoon and you keep it on because you’ve got no better options and it’s not that bad. Think of it like Milk Money, but with more bikinis.

Looking at the cover, you might think that Couples Retreat is Forgetting Sarah Marshall for old people. Don’t make that mistake. Sure, both take place at gorgeous, tropical locales and both have Kristen Bell, but Forgetting Sarah Marshall is so much funnier. You would probably enjoy watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall a second time instead of watching Couples Retreat.

This picture of Kristen Bell is here mainly to keep frequent commenter Bryan coming back to the blog.

I have to hand it to Kristen Bell. That girl is smart when it comes to getting cast. Sure, this movie isn’t all that great, but as an actress she spent most of her time filming this in Hawaii. I’m surprised her other colleagues from Forgetting Sarah Marshall haven’t come to the same conclusion of “must get cast on all Hawaii shoots.” I’m also surprised Bell didn’t do everything she could to get in on the last season of Lost. “Come on, I’ve got sci-fi experience,” she’d say, “I could be your geologist. You don’t need the Tina Fey look-a-like.” But maybe her time in Heroes has caused her to meet so enough con-freaks to scare here away from anything sci-fi, even if it is filmed in paradise.

The three reasons to watch Couples Retreat.

If you’re a guy and your girlfriend insists on watching Couples Retreat together*, don’t complain too much. You get to watch Kristen Bell, Kristen Davis and Malin Akerman spend most of their time in bikinis. And ladies, you not only get to see a shirtless Jon Favreau, but also a shirtless Faizon Love. Hmm, maybe after reading that last line, your girlfriend won’t insist on watching this movie after all. Fellas, feel free to send me gift cards to movie theaters as tokens of your thanks.

*Note: Watching Couples Retreat wasn’t my girlfriend’s idea.

WARNING: Watching Couples Retreat will result in seeing Faizon Love shirtless!

If you do watch it though, watch the deleted scenes afterwards. Most of the deleted scenes were deleted with good cause and can be skipped, but there’s one that is rather funny and even plays into an unanswered question regarding the plot, namely what happens if the guys ignore the warning about going left on the trail in their quest to get to Eden East. That one deleted scene also more funny homoerotic jokes than all of Bruno.

This Guitar Hero battle is reason #4 to watch Couples Retreat.

On its own, Couples Retreat gets a “You’re not missing anything.” Standing next to everything else I watched from Thursday through Sunday, I’m glad Couples Retreat is the movie someone I know owns instead of any of the others.

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At The Theater #12: Remember Me

In 2008, my first year of 52 movies in 52 weeks, I saw a movie set in New York City’s recent past that I found mind-numbingly slow and focused on a main character that I couldn’t stand. That movie was The Wackness, which I thought was so bad I named it the worst movie of both 2008 and 2009. The baton has been passed. I have a new movie set in New York City’s recent past that I found mind-numbingly slow and focused on a main character that I couldn’t stand. That movie is Remember Me.

The worst thing about Remember Me is that it’s my own fault that I saw it. This movie was punishment for having my girlfriend get a popcorn refill during the first five minutes of Alice in Wonderland. If only I had a time machine, I could have warned me of one month ago to get the popcorn refill himself (myself?). “You’re really not missing anything. The first five minutes are really slow. And you’re going to end up seeing Remember Me.” One-month-ago-me might say “I wouldn’t mind seeing Remember Me; isn’t Claire from Lost in it?” Then I’d compare it to The Wackness and he would sprint to the concession stand.

The three main actors in Remember Me are non-Americans playing Americans with terrible accents. Their accents are so unbelievable than John Cleese’s Taunting French Guard in Monty Python and the Holy Grail would would no longer call his own accent ridiculous. Pierce Brosnan attempts the most over the top Bronx accent imaginable with a hint of Brit coming through.

I’m guessing that Emilie De Ravin, Lost’s “WHERE’S MY BABY???” learned her American accent by watching Christian Bale in Batman Begins and The Dark Knight. I don’t remember her voice being like this when she played an American in 2005’s Brick, but then again she was dead for most of that movie. Here, every time she spoke I kept expecting her to let out a deep throated “Joker! Where’s Rachel?!”

Which makes sense, because Robert Pattinson reminded me of The Joker. With his pale complexion, upturned-strangely smile and acting stayle straight out of The Jimmy Fallon Thespian School, he was like a poor man’s Heath Ledger from the Dark Knight.

Emile De Ravin and Robert Pattinson in Remember Me.

But the strangest accent belongs to an American: Chris Cooper, who plays Emilie De Ravin’s NYPD sergeant father. Someone should have reminded him that he’s already American and probably shouldn’t take accent tips from the foreigners on set. I think he and Pierce Brosnan were both trying to out-Tony-Danza each other. It’s too bad Emilie De Ravin’s character wasn’t named Samantha.

At the Tony Danza Accent School, you will learn to tawk like a real New Yawker!

It’s hard to like a movie when you really don’t like the main character. I thought that Robert Pattison’s Tyler Hawkins was a spoiled asshole right from the start. He uses his patented retarded-vampire stare to woo girls at a bar and then gets into a fight with some drunk idiots and then the police when the cops decide to let everyone go and not arrest the drunk idiots he was fighting. He has Amnesty International posters all over his apartment, which I guess are there to say “this guy is sensitive and cares about the world,” but just say to me “I like to bang sensitive girls.” He hates the rich, and his rich father, but doesn’t seem to mind all that much taking Daddy’s money. Someone’s paying for NYU and that Village apartment and I’m guessing it’s not his paycheck from The Strand.

In one scene, Tyler goes ape shit on a class of second graders who bully his sister. He doesn’t physically assault any of them, but he does throw some desks around and even throws a fire extinguisher through a window. Hey asshole, that teacher and those two girls walking down the hall a little ahead of your outburst? You could have killed them with that fire extinguisher if they were a little slower. This scene was done to show how much he cared for sister and is always there for her. I had to check the end credits to make sure this movie wasn’t written by the guy I went to high school with that constantly threw temper tantrums and had a very similar outburst in my 11th grade English class. This looks like it would be written from the point of view of someone who used to do that on a regular basis and needed to justify it. The guy from my English class looked like the love child between Woody Allen and a hobbit, so it would have brilliantly egotistic casting to have Robert Pattinson play him. Alas, my old schoolmate was not the credited screenwriter.

Tyler’s romance with Emile De Ravin’s Ally spins out of a bet/revenge plot against her NYPD sergeant concocted by Tyler’s roommate Aidan that is straight out The Taming of the Shrew. This aspect of their romance is handily forgotten about until it’s needed again at the act two crisis, where for no reason, Tyler tells this to Ally. Um, why? And “sucky movie” is not a good enough reason.

The coolest thing about this movie? Parts of it were filmed in my neighborhood on Cranberry St, which is one of Brooklyn Heights’s most beautiful streets. Instead of seeing this movie, check out Cranberry St, stroll down the Brooklyn Heights Promenade and grab a bite to eat at nearby Noodle Pudding.

In case you couldn’t figure it out already, I’ll throw it out there right now. I really don’t see the appeal of Robert Pattinson. He’s not a good actor. Is he really that good looking? I seriously don’t see it. Is it just that he plays Edward Cullen in those Twilight movies? Does that give him cart blanche with fans of those books? Is it those giant bushy eyebrows? Is it his retarded-vampire facial expression that he brought from this Twilight to this movie? Is it the giant mess of unkempt hair? Those hauntingly penetrating eyes? That…that…OH ROBERT I LOVE YOU!! EEEEE!!!

I heart you, retarded vampire!
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On The Couch #13: The Men Who Stare at Goats

I couldn’t help but think of Lost while watching The Men Who Stare at Goats. If the Dharma Initiative were run by the US Army, I think the end result would be The New World Army.

The Dharma Army wants you!

Similar to the Dharma Initiative, The New World Army waas the US Army’s foray into psychic warfare. Soldier turned smelly hippie turned smelly hippie soldier Jeff Bridges writes a manual for unlocking the mind’s true potential, a program that consists mainly of yoga, tai chi, and moustache growing. It’s never stated explicitly, but if you have any desire to harness the true potential of your mind, it seems you have to grow a bitchin’ ‘stache.

Don’t be fooled by the hair, his power is in his moustache.

And man, what things the powers unlocked by a bitchin’ ‘stache can do! Kill goats by staring at them for a few hours, make clouds disappear by staring at them and possibly running through walls (though there’s always the risk your ‘stache isn’t bitchin’ enough yet and you just end up with a concussion).

The Lost parallel goes a little further. Half the movie is set in the present day, with Ewan McGregor playing a reporter researching what happened to The New World Army after its disbanding and the other half of the movie taking place in the past, showing Jeff Bridges’ recruitment and development of The New World Army. The main reason that Ewan McGregor is doing this research is because his wife in the movie, played by Rebecca Mader aka Charlotte from Lost, has cheated on him with his one-handed editor, and he feels he needs to prove himself in her eyes to win her back.

If you’re a Star Wars fan, you’ll have plenty to smile about. Besides, Ewan McGregor being in the film, The New World Army soldiers are called Jedi Warriors (because Regan had a thing for Star Wars). The best line in the movie has to be McGregor asking “What’s a Jedi?” Thankfully, in all the talk about psychic potential, there was no mention of midiclorians.

Maybe the Sith never would have won if Obi-Wan had this bitchin’ ‘stache.

A good bit of military intelligence comedy comes in the pitching of the idea to top military brass. The US has to do this, because the Soviets have begun researching the paranormal because they heard a rumor that the US is already doing it. Whether this rumor that the Soviets are actually doing it doesn’t matter, if the Soviets believe the US is conducting this research, then the US must, or else risk falling behind, but quite possibly the Soviets haven’t started this research either.

On another level, the movie is about the question where do old dogs go. The guys in the New World Army are filled with purpose during their recruitment and training in the 1980s, but seem out of place without the backing of a president who regularly saw a psychic for advice. In the present day, they’re wandering around, waiting for a purpose. Is this what getting old is about, regardless of bitchin’ ‘stache status?

Bitchin’ ‘stache K-Pax!

The Men Who Stare at Goats gets three stars on Netflix from me, which translates to I liked it. Before posting this, two friends already told me I was nuts for liking this movie though, so your mileage may vary.

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On The Couch #11 & 12: Justice League: Crisis on Two Earths, Superman/Batman: Public Enemies

It’s time to get my geek on.

Justice League: Crisis on Two Earths is the latest direct-to-DVD animated movie based on existing DC Comics stories. The movie is mainly based on the 2001 graphic novel JLA: Earth 2 by Grant Morrison and Frank Quitely.

Skip the movie, read the comic.

The story centers around Earth-2, which is a world where it’s opposite day every day! People’s hearts on the right side of their body, Superman is the evil Ultraman and Batman is the evil Owlman. I’m not sure why an owl is the opposite of a bat. Maybe because owls can see really well and bats are blind? Ultraman and Owlman team-up with other mirror-mirror versions of the Justice League in the Crime Syndicate, who are like a super-powered Sopranos. Evil Superman even speaks with a Jersey accent.

Look at Evil Superman’s eyes. He’s totaly checking out Evil Wonder Woman’s rack! Evil jerk!
On Earth 2, the only hero left is Lex Luthor. “What?!? Lex Luthor is a hero?” you ask. Apparently male pattern baldness isn’t caused by wickedness though, as good Lex Luthor is just as bald as evil Lex Luthor. I wish they gave him the red-headed afro that other-alternate reality Alexander Luthor sported in the 1980’s comic Crisis on Infinite Earths.
Considering this alternative, maybe going bald isn’t such a bad thing.

Lex Luthor is voiced by Chris Noth a.k.a. Mr. Big from Sex in the City. I think this casting decision was to make it easier for guys to get their girlfriends to agree to watch this. Yeah…no dice. If there is any guy out there who successfully convinces his girlfriend to watch this movie based solely on Chris Noth’s appearance, I want to hear from you.

“Hey ladies, I’m in a Superman cartoon. Want to watch it? No? What do you mean no?”

It was weird to hear the voices of Superman, Batman and Lex Luthor in this movie. Since the Batman and Superman cartoons from the 90’s and later the Justice League cartoon from the last decade, I’ve associated these characters with the voices of Tim Daly, Kevin Conroy and Clancy Brown. With Lex Luthor being on the side of good, the casting of Chris Noth over Clancy Brown makes sense. I don’t think Clancy Brown can say anything as Lex Luthor without it sounding like he wants to kill someone.

The Blu-ray is packed with special features. There’s an in-depth preview of Batman: Under the Hood, which is due out this summer. If it lives up to the hype set-up in this preview, it looks like it will be a much better movie than Justice League: Crisis on Two Earths. Also included on the disc are four episodes of the Cartoon Network’s Justice League cartoon that deal with alternate realities. If you watched the show when it was originally on, you’ve probably seen these already.

There’s a Spectre short with cool modern animation that is made to look like an old movie. The story is a murder-mystery and if you’ve ever been to a murder-mystery party, you’ll probably figure out the main killer early on. The highlight of the short is watching the Spectre pass final judgement on the criminals in ways that are as inventive as they are gruesome.

Depending on your point of view, the most or least special of the special features is the live action pilot of the 2006 WB Aquaman TV show. Before watching it, you might think it’s the most special of the special features, but after watching it, you’ll quickly realize why this series didn’t get picked up. It’s a complete mess that’s on par quality-wise in regards to story and special effects with a made-for-TV Sci-Fi channel movie. Sorry, I mean SyFy channel. Actually this pilot is about the same quality as Sci-Fi’s name change to SyFy.

Oh, Lou Diamond Phillips, how far you’ve fallen.

I’m giving Justice League: Crisis on Two Earths two stars on Netflix. The animation was nice and the set-up was good, but the story seemed to fall apart as it went on. It was cool to see evil versions of the Superfriends, but Owlman’s main reason for coming unhinged and wanting to destroy all reality seemed a bit off. And I’m pretty sure that good Batman was responsible for killing two people at the end to save the day, which seemed very off. Really, I should give it one star, just for tricking me into watching that terrible Aquaman pilot.

Superman/Batman: Public Enemies was equally disappointing, if not more so. Like Justice League: Crisis on Two Earths, Superman/Batman: Public Enemies is adapted off a comic book storyline from a few years ago that I was fan of when I first read it.

The animation is based off of the Public Enemies comic artist Ed McGuinness’s art, but they change it for the worse in the animated movie. They use McGuinness’s way of drawing bodies, but faces, especially Superman’s, are given the manga treatment. Superman’s eyes are just too big here and his face is way too boyish. He doesn’t look tough or intimidating at all, but instead looks like a 14-year old on steroids.

Supermanga

I’m beginning to learn a lesson with these DC animated titles. Skip the main movie and go straight to the special features. They’re much more enjoyable.

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Why I Couldn’t Watch Precious: Based on the Novel Push by Sapphire

I couldn’t do it. I tried, trust me I tried, but I just couldn’t watch Precious: Based on the Novel Push by Sapphire. I have already heard one “Why? How could you not watch it?” since sending it back to Netflix, so allow me to explain with my four main reasons for not watching Precious: Based on the Novel Push by Sapphire.

The Title: There’s something a little off regarding the title of the movie. The film’s name isn’t Precious. It’s Precious: Based on the Novel Push by Sapphire. Look, I get it. You want to drive up your book sales and maybe you think that your audience is made up of a bunch of mouth-breathers who won’t be able to figure out why they can’t find this book named Precious. I imagine the following scene happening at a book table along Brooklyn’s Fulton Mall:

Customer: “I’m looking for Precious by Sapphire.”
Sidewalk Book Dealer: “Here you go.”
He points to a copy of Push.
Customer: “No, idiot. You know, the book about the fat girl that’s abused by her mom and raped by her dad. They made it into a movie.”
Sidewalk Book Dealer: “I think you mean Push.”
The Customer shoots him an angry look.
Customer: “Man, what kind of scam are you trying to pull? I said Precious, not Push.”
Sidewalk Book Dealer: “Perhaps I can interest you in one of these books by Z.”

Do we really need this obnoxiously long title? Precious: Based on the Novel Push by Sapphire isn’t the only film that was originally a book to have its name changed. The Ghost Writer was based on a book called The Ghost, but it’s producers didn’t feel they had to name it The Ghost Writer: Based on the Novel The Ghost by Robert Harris; No, Now You’re Thinking of the Patrick Swayze movie; No, Not the Marvel Comic Book with the Guy Riding a Motorcycle While His Head is on Fire, That Was Ghost Rider – No, No Say It With Me – Writer, Not Rider.

Perhaps the producers thought the extra long title made the movie sound more high-brow. “Look,” they said, “Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King is a huge title and that won an Oscar. We should get in on this.” Precious: Based on the Novel Push by Sapphire did receive a best picture nomination, so who am I to argue with results?

The Oscar Factor: Me, the week before the Oscars: “I need to see all the best picture nominations!” Me, the week after the Oscars: “Meh.” It’s amazing how quickly interest in Oscar nominated movies can drop off. We’re talking about a speed faster than the drop off in interest I had for ABC’s Flash Forward. That’s fast.

The Mariah: Little known fact: Mariah Carey’s role in Precious: Based on the Novel Push by Sapphire was originally supposed to be played by AARP sex-kitten Helen Mirren, who had to back out at the last minute to do another movie. This worked out great for Mariah Carey. Her performance in this movie has been hailed by critics as one of the main reasons people need to see this movie. One problem: I really don’t care about Mariah Carey. Now I didn’t say I don’t care for her, no I just don’t care about her. My Mariah Carey apathy is at an all-time high. Precious: Based on the novel Push by Sapphire might be a career turning move for her as an actress, but in my eyes she peaked with her team-up with Boyz II Men on One Sweet Day and it’s been downhill ever since.

Times I watched One Sweet Day for this post: 2.
Times I watched Precious: Based on the
Novel Push by Sapphire for this post: 0.

The Story: The biggest hurdle to get over to actually watch Precious: Based on the Novel Push by Sapphire is the story itself. Here’s the first line from the Netflix sleeve: “Viciously abused by her mother and pregnant by her father…” After a long day of work, this is a hard sell. If it was a stressful day at the office, I didn’t need the story of a girl who is pregnant by her father thrown on top of it. And if it was a great day at the office, I really didn’t need this story to end my night on a sour note. The weekend was out of the question; there were always too many options that all seemed more fun that watching a girl get raped by her dad and abused by her mom. Just typing the last half of that last sentence brought me down.

Not even a Lenny Kravitz appearance could help it leave the sleeve.

I want to know who buys Precious: Based on the Novel Push by Sapphire on DVD. I have some questions for those people. Whether or not you’ve seen it, do you really want to own this movie? Doesn’t that imply you would want to watch it more than once? Did you not read the description on the box? Are you also a cutter?

When you take these factors into consideration, Precious: Based on the Novel Push by Sapphire really had no chance of escaping its Netflix sleeve. I’m just glad that I came to this conclusion when I did. Who knows how long Precious: Based on the Novel Push by Sapphire and I would have had our little staring contest before I relented and finally sat down to watch it? Would it have even have made it into the blog this year, or would it carryover into next year?

To quote Mr. Owl: “The world may never know.”
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At The Theater #11: The Ghost Writer

Maybe it’s just me, but if the guy I’m replacing on a writing job died of suicide or homicide, I’d just as soon hold out for the next job. But that’s why I’m involved in so few murder mysteries. Thankfully The Ghost, Ewan McGregor’s unnamed character in The Ghost Writer, doesn’t have the same danger sense that I do, because The Ghost makes for a very entertaining thriller.

“I’m hear about a writing job. What? Oh the flaming skull aids in the rewrite process. I have references.”

The Ghost is tasked with rewriting the autobiography of Adam Lang, played by Pierce Brosnan. I’m not sure why they didn’t just name Lang Tony Blair. Come on, who are we trying to kid? Prime Minister who is often seen as being in the pocket of the US government? Brought his country into a war in the Middle East because Uncle Sam said so? Maybe they didn’t want to risk a lawsuit by Tony Blair, and Bony Tlair is too hard to pronounce. But Adam Lang is even more Tony Blair than The Other Minister from Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince combined with Hugh Grant’s Prime Minister in Love, Actually.

Little Known Fact: This dance scene was choreographed by Tony Blair.

As soon as The Ghost arrives at Lang’s New England compound, the shit hits the fan: Lang is accused of war crimes, his wife heavily implies he’s having an affair with his secretary, and Lang doesn’t seem to be giving out factually correct answers to The Ghost’s questions.

Wrong Ghost

In the movie, Lang is possibly cheating on his wife, played by Oliva Williams, with his secretary, played by Kim Cattrall. You have to give credit to where credit it due on this one. You really have to try hard to make Kim Cattrall seem like a more viable sexual partner over Olivia Williams. But if you put Oliva Williams in enough dumpy outfits while giving her a sour enough disposition, it works. Speaking of Kim Cattrall, can someone explain to me her accent in this movie? Is this her doing British? It didn’t sound like her usual Samantha from Sex in the City voice; it just sounded weird.

My only problem with The Ghost Writer is that it’s a very slow build in a long movie, clocking in at 2:08. Overall it’s a good movie, but for a while there it seems that The Ghost is just spinning his wheels. This effectively shows the stonewalling he’s getting from his subject, but it really slows things down. Don’t get me wrong, I really liked this movie and think you should see it.

By the end of movie, you will be questioning who didn’t have a part in the conspiracy that’s jeopardizing The Ghost’s life. And I mean everybody: Lang, Lang’s wife, Lang’s mistress, the lady who made sandwiches for The Ghost each day, the guy who sold me popcorn in the lobby. Everybody.

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On The Couch #10: Zombieland

I feel sorry for the producers of World War Z. Is there any point to making a movie based on Max Brooks’s zombie outbreak book now that Zombieland is here? The stories are largely similar. Sure, Zombieland doesn’t have the worldwide scope that World War Z does, but it does a great job of capturing a lot of the elements that Brooks’s book did so well: the introverted loner who initially survives because he’s walled himself off from society, cross-country zombie hunting, and rules for staying alive in World War Z, er..I mean Zombieland.

I’m catching a theme running throughout the movies I’ve been watching on the couch lately. Food Inc. showed us how easily disease can spread when you have cows packed tight, wading in their own manure. Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs showed the problems of trying to play God with your food. And now Zombieland tells us that the zombie outbreat was the result of a guy eating some tainted meat at a local fast food joint and quickly developing a taste for human flesh. The lesson is obvious; eat organic or become a brain-hungry creature of the night.

Zombieland proves how important it is to be ready for a zombie outbreak. True story: I was walking through Brooklyn one day on the phone with my girlfriend when I saw a limping, smelly, bloodshot-eyed guy shambling in my direction. I told my girlfriend “Either this guy is a crackhead or a zombie.” By the looks of him, I was guessing zombie. I instinctively looked around for a baseball bat, crowbar or shotgun…no luck. I made eye contact with the crackhead-zombie and he yelled “What are you looking at? I’ll kill you!” Whew, crisis averted. Everyone knows that if he was a zombie, he would have just said “Blaaaarggghhh…”

The unlikely heroes of Zombieland.

There are less than 10 credited roles in zombieland. The majority of the zombies are extras. Woody Harrelson is great as the bad-ass zombie killer Tallahassee. Superbad’s Emma Stone is equally bad-ass as zombie movie femme fatale Wichita.

Witchita: bangs + leather jacket + dark eyeshadow + shotgun = badass.

While watching Woody Harrelson fire off multiple firearms seems natural, the biggest casting surprise was Abigail Breslin as the shotgun wielding 12-year old Little Rock. It’s very entertaining to watch an actor take a 180-turn from what she’s known for, especially if the turn involves hunting zombies.

Is there anything creepier than a child zombie?

Jesse Eisenberg seems to be setting himself up as the go-to guy for when a movie can’t cast Michael Cera. In some scenes, he is so Michael Cera-like that the only thing separating the two of them is his bigger hair. Michael and Jesse should do a movie together. Would Youth in Revolt have been better if Francois was played by Jesse Eisenberg? Maybe not, but Michael Ceara and Not-Michael Cera really need some screentime to share.

You were awesome in Juno.

My favorite parts of Zombieland were the inventive use of titling throughout the movie that displayed on the screen showing Columbus’s rules of surviving in Zombieland. These would pop up any time that a character followed or, usually at the cost of their life, didn’t follow those rules.

There’s a reason there are so many fat zombies in Zombieland.

The special features on the Blu-ray aren’t too special. The deleted scenes were deleted for good reasons and the two making of featurettes spend most of the time showing you scenes you just watched in the movie. The main highlight of the making-of featurettes is Abigail Breslin complaining about how jealous she was of all the people in zombie make-up and how she begged the director constantly for her character to become a zombie in the end.

I’m giving Zombieland five stars on Netflix. It’s great. For the easily quesy among you, be forewarned the movie is very bloody right from the start. Looking back on it, the beginning of the movie seemed much more gory than the rest of the movie. Either they did a great mix of gore and humor throughout the film, or the they did a great job at desensitizing me to gore very quickly. Either way, kudos.
 

Batter up!

 
I think Bruce Springsteen sang it best:

Kids flash shotguns just like switchblades hustling for a Twinkie or two
The hungry and the hunted explode against the bat in his hand
They face off against each other out in the street
Down in Zom…bie…land

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At The Theater #10: Hot Tub Time Machine

The first time I saw an advertisement for Hot Tub Time Machine, a giant card board stand-up display, I thought I would skip this movie. Then I saw a trailer for it and thought that I would definitely skip this movie. But by the time I saw a third commercial for it, I was hooked and wanted to see it. I’m glad I did. Hot Tub Time Machine is hilarious. If you like funny movies, you’ll like this one.

My (and frequent TNM commenter Bryan’s)
first encounter with Hot Tub Time Machine.

Three friends, played by John Cusack, Craig Robinson and Rob Corddry, whose lives are going nowhere go away for a weekend of planned debauchery at the ski resort that was the site of their teenage glory days. Unfortunately, the ski resort is in as rough shape as the three of them. This doesn’t stop them from boozing like madmen in their room’s hot tub, which goes back in time to 1986 when some Russian Red Bull knock-off gets spilled on the tub’s control panel. At first this seems a little ridiculous, but at the end of the day, I guess that doesn’t make any less sense than spinning a wheel to send a whole island back in time.

How many guys peed in this tub for it to become this yellow?

Like in Quantum Leap, the three guys look middle aged to themselves and to the viewer, but the mirror reveals them to look exactly like they did in 1986. The costume designer did a great job outfitting John Cusack in a dark brown duster and fingerless gloves; it was like watching the second coming of Lloyd Dobbler.

Time travel comedy alum and perpetually creepy Crispin Glover has a small role in this movie, playing the creepy (what else do you expect from Crispin Glover) one-armed bellhop Phil, who is twice as armed and much less creepy in the past. 1986-Phil is perhaps the least creepy Crispin Glover has come off since playing George McFly in Back to the Future. Nevertheless, his being in this movie feels like a passing of the torch.

“George, in the future you’re the creepiest actor alive.”

The movie hits both 1980s and time travel jokes. It’s like if you mixed The Wedding Singer with Back to the Future 2. Big cell phones, high-top fades and “I want my MTV” all make appearances. Rob Corddry, reading from the Biff Tannen playbook, learns the very good and very bad that can come from trying to either change the future or profit from future knowledge. Some of the funniest scenes in the movie are when Corddry succeeds or fails from trying to take advantage of what he knows from 2010.

Still the best time travel movie ever.

Also traveling with them to the past is Cusack’s character’s nephew Adam, who gets treated to seeing what his mom was like as a teenager. If Marty McFly taught us anything, it’s that this never goes well. The lesson to be learned here: if you ever find yourself flying backwards through time in a phone booth, a DeLorean or a hot tub, avoid seeing your parents; you’ll only be scarred.

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On The Couch #9: Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs

I wish that 3D TV sets were on the market and that I owned one. Watching Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs, it was obvious that this movie was made to be shown in 3D. There were plenty of scenes where I sat there thinking this would look a lot cooler in 3D, and I’m sure it did for people who saw it in the theater. I wonder if Avatar will have the same effect when it gets released on DVD. Will it be obvious that something is missing because it’s not in 3D?

This would look so much cooler in 3D.

I have to say I loved Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs. The story revolves around almost-mad scientist Flint Lockwood, voiced by SNL’s Bill Hader, who wants to invent something that will put him up there with the big-name brains of the ages. There’s a great scene showing his childhood bedroom that is not decorated with bands or athlete posters, but instead posters of scientists; my favorite being Tesla Rocks. Flint also has enough daddy issues to get him trapped on the island in Lost. No matter what he does, his dad thinks he would be a better bait & tackle salesman than a scientist.

Flint Lockwood, in his last ditch attempt to become a great scientist, invents a machine that turns water into food. Through some high-paced hijinx, the machine ends up stuck in a cloud, causing it to rain whatever food Flint thinks of programming it to produce. The townspeople rejoice.

So sanitary.

It’s odd that the townspeople rejoice about this, considering how big the organic food movement has grown over the past few years. But as is explained early on in the movie, the locals eat nothing but sardines, so it makes sense that they’ll take anything over another sardine.

Eat organic or fall victim to the pasta-nado in the foodpocalype!

Anna Farris voices Sam Sparks, a TV reporter who makes it big by reporting about his town’s food storms. She’s also Flint’s love interest. They do a good job with her character, initially setting her up as a just another pretty face telling the weather, but deepen her by having it be that she was hiding her smarts because being smart wasn’t viewed as something cool growing up. I like the growth her character goes through over the course of the movie. She’s also the cause of my favorite line: “Yikes! What is that, a scrunchie? I haven’t seen one of those since 1995!”

What do you wear when a bacon front is moving in?

In a weird character modeling decision, Andy Samberg voices “Baby” Brent, but Flint Lockwood looks an awful lot like Andy Samberg. This led me to think he starred as the main character when I saw his name on the poster, and led to some confusion when Flint Lockwood had Bill Hader’s voice.

Mr. T voices the town’s head cop. Actually he might be the only cop; I didn’t see any others. Springfield has a bigger police force than Swallow Falls. I cannot express how excited I was when I heard Mr. T’s voice come out of the cop’s mouth. I was a huge Mr. T. fan growing up: I had his A-Team action figure, my first two initials are B.A., I thought wearing lots of gold chains was cool, and I pitied fools, oh how I pitied fools. I’m not kidding about the gold chain bit, as anyone who has seen my 8th grade yearbook photo can attest. That wasn’t a case of watching too many mafia movies; it was all Mr. T’s fault.
Mr. T: pitying fools & writing summons

Looking back at 2009, it was a very strong year for animated movies. I would put Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs up there with Up and Coraline as the best animated movies from last year not named The Fantastic Mr. Fox. You should check out Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs, but I pity the fool who doesn’t watch it in 3D.

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At The Theater #9: Alice in Wonderland

Tim Burton’s very hyped, heavily advertised take on the Lewis Carroll classic is surprisingly light on  its Tim Burton. Sure, the surface elements are all there: the characters and their surroundings look weird. But for the most part, this is a by-the-numbers approach to Alice in Wonderland.

It’s so by-the-numbers that it comes across a bit pointless. Even the story doesn’t seem new, despite this being Alice’s second trip to Wonderland. Tim Burton must be working with the major theme of if you forget the past, you are doomed to repeat it; Alice at 19 finds herself going through the same motions as Alice at 6. She’s dismissed her earlier adventure in Wonderland, or Underland as she’s told it’s really called, as a bad dream. The Wonderland/Underland misnomer comes across as a one-off bit shoe-horned late in the film. Is there a point to Alice having the name wrong? Is Underland really a better name than Wonderland?

I don’t want to come across as too harsh against this movie, as I did enjoy it. Johnny Depp as The Mad Hatter is the best performance in this role by someone not named Tom Petty. Although it is weird that the Tim Burtonized Mad Hatter makes Johnny Depp look surprisingly like Elijah Wood. Maybe Wood wasn’t available due to Hobbit commitments, or maybe Burton just thought Depp did a better Scottish accent, but still wanted that Elijah Wood look.

The Mad Hobbit

Speaking of people looking like other people, am I the only one who thought that Anne Hathaway’s White Queen looked a lot like Lady Gaga?

Rah rah rah ah ah ah! White Queen ooh la la!

I went to a 3D, but non-Imax showing of Alice in Wonderland. The 3D in the movie was cool. It wasn’t mind-blowing in the way that Avatar’s was, but they make good use of it, and I think the movie was better for it and is worth the extra fee. Theaters are charging $3 extra for the 3D version of the movie to cover the cost of glasses. I think they should waive that fee if you bring your own glasses from the last 3D movie you watched, but that’s not the case in any 3D theater I’ve been to so far. I guess it would be a logistical nightmare, or encourage dishonest practices by customers, or it’s just another revenue stream for them.

Christopher Lee, who has never played General Zod, voices the Jabberwocky. Christopher Lee will always be The Man Who Never Played General Zod to me, after so many years spent incorrectly believing him to be General Zod. He uses the same deep throated voice here that worked so well in playing villains like Saruman and not playing villains like General Zod.

If you decided to skip out on seeing Alice in Wonderland, you wouldn’t be missing much. Because really, at the end of the day, if Tom Petty isn’t the Mad Hatter or Geoffrey Holder, the old 7-Up guy, isn’t playing the Cheshire Cat, what’s the point?

Both of these Alice in Wonderlands freaked me out as a child much more than Tim Burton ever could:

Geoffry Holder as the Chesire Cat:

Tom Petty’s Don’t Come Around Here No More video: