On The Couch #42: The Secret of Kells

The Secret of Kells was almost one of the first movies I saw at the theater this year. The Secret of Kells was nominated for an Oscar and playing at the nearby Brooklyn Heights Cinema, but seeing it didn’t work out for one reason or another. Once Netflix made it available to instant stream, my desire to see it was renewed.

The animation in The Secret of Kells is beautiful. The colors really pop, especially in HD. But for a long stretch of the movie, I felt like I was just staring at pretty, moving pictures. When it came to the story, I was sitting there thinking “Huh?” for a good part of the movie. Eventually I caught up to what was going on, but more of The Secret of Kells might have been behind me at that point than ahead of me. This would be a fine way for the plot to work if The Secret of Kells was a mystery, but it’s not.

The Secret of Kells is as pretty as it is confusing.

Whenever characters would look at the Book of Kells, their faces would be covered with a golden glow emanating from the book. It only took 15 years, but we now have the answer to what is that damn briefcase in Pulp Fiction.

Vincent Vega’s original line “That Irish book is so beautiful.” was shortened in the final cut.

The Secret of Kells was a bit of a let down. It was okay, but I’m guessing its Oscar nomination was due more to the gorgeous animation and not the so-so, hard to understand story.

On The Couch #41: First Blood

Continuing, my thematic movie watching, I watched First Blood on Veterans Day.

But my real reason for watching First Blood was that one my friends recently challenged my manhood because I had never seen it (or any of the Rambo movies for that matter). I hope that I have redeemed myself a bit in his eyes now that I’ve seen the first one.

Before this, the only connection I had to Rambo was a Rambo action figure’s Uzi I received in a bag of hand-me-down toys as a kid. The Rambo figure never made it to me, but that I didn’t mind as I now had the only He-Man on my block armed with both a mystical sword and an automatic weapon.

Little know fact: He-Man is a card-carrying NRA member.

I wonder how much First Blood influenced Bruce Springsteen in the writing of Born in the U.S.A. Bruce left out the one-man-taking-a-town-under-siege finale in the song, but the movie plays out as an hour and half long version of Born in the U.S.A.

At least Bruce was inspired by Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot

In the battle of 80’s action movies I’ve seen this week, First Blood is definitely the better film over Top Gun. Top Gun had some great fighter-jet sequences, but the bad in Top Gun was really bad. First Blood, on the other hand, was great the whole way through.

Included on the Blu-Ray is an alternate ending, where John Rambo forces Colonel Trautman to kill him. Imagine how much money they’d have left on the floor with Rambo dead! I think it’s safe to say Sylvester Stallone is very happy John Rambo survived his mental breakdown at the end of the film. As am I. I look forward to watching Rambo: First Blood Part II.

On The Couch #40: Marathon Man

I ran the NYC Marathon this year. Since then, one of my coworkers keeps calling me Marathon Man, so I decided to mark the achievement by watching the movie of the same name.

The car chase scene in the beginning of Marathon Man is reason enough to watch the movie. It is the most ridiculous car chase scene ever filmed. It involves two geriatric men driving a pair of clunkers, in an alarmingly slow chase through crowded NYC intersections. I know this movie isn’t a comedy, but that chase had me rolling.

Most ridiculous car chase ever.

After I finished the movie, I met my girlfriend for lunch. I told her all about Marathon Man, that it starred Dustin Hoffman and a very old Sidney Poitier, and that Poitier plays a Nazi. Her very legitimate question: “There were black Nazis?” Whoops. Laurence Olivier, not Sidney Poitier. Two very different actors who have kind of similar sounding last names. Imagine that movie: Sidney Poitier as a black German who joined the Nazis disguised in white face and is now hiding out in South America.

This is not the bad guy from Marathon Man.

How cool is Roy Scheider as Doc, Dustin Hoffman’s secret agent brother? The answer is “so cool.” I was upset when he died, because it meant no more of his bad-assery.

I’m glad that Dustin Hoffman’s character Babe’s marathon training came into play as he made his escape from the bad guys. But I did think it was kind of a cop-out for him to take a cab back to his uptown apartment. Sure, you’re half-naked, bleeding and just escaped a Nazi torturer, but that’s no reason to hop in the back of a yellow cab! You’re a Marathon Man, Babe! Pump those legs!
I watched Marathon Man the day before a scheduled dentist appointment. If I realized the bad guy was a Nazi dentist, I might have watched The Running Man instead.

This image was in my head during my whole appointment.

On The Couch #39: House of 1000 Corpses

Rainn Wilson was recently on an episode of The Nerdist podcast where he and host Chris Hardwick talked about starring in House of 1000 Corpses together. I knew Chris Hardwick was in it, and seeing him perform stand-up recently was enough to add the movie to my Netflix queue. Finding out Rainn Wilson was also in it was incentive to shoot the movie to the top of the queue. I had no idea that Rainn Wilson was in anything before The Office. I always thought he came out of nowhere, rocketed to stardom as Dwight, and made his feature film debut in The Rocker.

Rainn Wilson pretty much looks the same in House of 1000 Corpses as he does today. Chris Hardwick really doesn’t. When Hardwick first came onscreen, I didn’t think it was him. Today Chris Hardwick is a really skinny guy. I knew he lost weight when he gave up drinking, but wow, I didn’t realize what a dramatic change it was. Nice job, Chris.

I had a hard time finding this guy in House of 1000 Corpses.

While watching House of 1000 Corpses, I thought to myself “Oh yeah, this is why I don’t usually watch horror movies.” I thought the movie was good, but in the end it really wasn’t for me. I think a lot of that feeling had to do with the four friends being totally fucked right from the start. There never seemed like they had any chance of escaping in the slightest from the inbred serial killing family.

If you buy these for your baby, I’m reporting you.

In a way, House of 1000 Corpses reminded me of an episode of Louie, Louis C.K.’s TV show, where Louis C.K. goes to the south and notes that everything is slightly off down there. It’s almost like Rob Zombie is trying to tell us the same thing here. Lesson learned, Rob Zombie. I will stay out of the South.

At The Theater #34: Red

I caught Red at a near-empty City Cinemas theater on 1st Ave and 60 St. There was me, the guy who walked in a minute before me, the guy who walked in a minute after me and a set of five grandmothers. I’m still trying to figure out what was up with those five grandmothers? Would they see anything with Helen Mirren or Morgan Freeman in it or were they just adrenaline junkies looking for a morning fix?

Even without the grandmothers, I was surprised the theater was this crowded. Not because Red is bad, in fact I liked it a lot, but because the screening was at 11:30 AM on a Monday. I thought there would be a good chance I’d be having a screening of one. Still, with only 7 people in the entire theater, I was able to spread out nicely and enjoy the movie.

Red is an action-comedy. What makes it work is that the comedy doesn’t come at the expense of the action. The action isn’t over-the-top slapstick, which works very well in other movies, but wouldn’t work here. The tone of Red is very similar to that of NBC’s Chuck, but without the dork-humor.

The scene where assassins descend on Bruce Willis’s suburban home was awesome. When that scene ended and his house is riddled with thousands of bullets, all I could think about were his neighbors, who all must be freaking out. Those killers weren’t exactly quiet in any sense of the word. And even if you sleep like a log, what would your reaction be to finding all those bullet casings in your cul-de-sac in the morning?

Also, can someone please explain to me how Willis got from the kitchen to behind the assassins in the hallway? I don’t remember seeing any second doorway. Did I miss something? I’d like to know in case a team of trained killers descends on my home. I’ll walk into the kitchen all confident thinking “You fools didn’t know I saw Red,” but then realize I have no idea how to get from the kitchen to back behind them.

The story of Red is nothing special. Anyone who has seen an action movie is probably familiar with the ex-CIA-agent-is-deemed-too-dangerous-to-live plot, but the movie is very entertaining. The dialogue is great, as is the cast. There were plenty of scenes that had me laughing loudly in the near-empty theater.

You have to really give it up for Helen Mirren. The very attractive Mary-Louise Parker is in Red, but you kind of forget about her when Mirren shows up. I hope I’m as sexy as Helen Mirren is when I’m her age. Actually, I wish I were as sexy as she is at my current age.

She’s 65.

If I had any problems with the movie, it was the very last scene. The surviving members of the crew are driving off into the sunset, making plans for the future when Bruce Willis and Mary-Louise Parker start going at it like their trying to channel their inner Tom Cruise and Kelly McGillis (link to Top Gun). Look, I’m no prude, but they weren’t even alone in the back seat. John Malkovich had to awkwardly sit there next to them. And they were in the middle of a conversation with everyone else in the car when they started going at it like two teenagers in the back of a Pontiac. Hey Bruce, come up for air! Brian Cox is asking you a question!

On The Couch #38: Top Gun

So many people have asked me how is it that I have never seen Top Gun, and now that I have seen Top Gun, I have to ask myself why it took me so long. I loved Afterburner in the arcade, why wouldn’t I love this? Then again, I loved Spy Hunter and didn’t see my first James Bond movie until junior year of college.

I could never land that damn plane on the aircraft carrier.

Watching Top Gun is like watching someone’s idea of what the military would be like if Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell finally was repealed. Plenty of cabaret singing? Check! A hell of a lot guys close talking to the point where you’re waiting for them to just kiss already? Check! Tom Cruise standing in towel with his leg up on a bench trying to get Anthony Edwards to look? Double-check!

Look down, Goose.

But just so that no one would accuse of Top Gun of being homosexual propaganda, Tony Scott sticks in as many scenes of the grossest make-out sessions as he can between Tom “All Tongue, All The Time” Cruise and Kelly McGillis. I thought actors usually didn’t go for the tongue action during kissing scenes. Not Tom Cruise. He slobbers McGillis’s face like he’s Jabba the Hutt.

I recently heard that some actors were complaining that they don’t look as good in HD as they do in standard definition. Kelly McGillis should join that group. Blu-Ray and HD are not her friends. Her teeth are as green as the gates of Oz. Green smoker’s-teeth have freaked me out since I was a kid. I don’t know what it is about them, but whenever an adult with those kind of teeth would laugh, it would freak me out more than any horror movie could. I still shudder just thinking about it. Some kids feared clowns. I feared middle-aged women with two pack a day habits.

There are pretty much only two songs in Top Gun. They are Danger Zone and Take My Breath Away. Each one serves to let the audience know what kind of scene to expect. Action scene: Danger Zone. Make-Out Scene: Take My Breath Away. Are Goose and Maverick going to make out here? No, Danger Zone is playing. Oh, what a different movie this could have been if those two songs were flipped.

The New York Times reported that Tony Scott might make a Top Gun 2. If Indiana Jones, Transformers and Wall Street are any indication, it will star Shia Lebeouf.

Hey, he already knows how to ride a motorcycle.

On The Couch #37: 28 Weeks Later

28 Days Later is my favorite (non-comedic) horror film. After years of reluctantly seeing horror movies with friends, finally there was one I really got into. When I first saw it, it was like a breath of fresh air. I loved the feeling of isolation and desolation brought on by Cillian Murphy waking up alone in an empty hospital, emerging onto empty streets, looking for someone, anyone else. On a side note, this ended up being borrowed pretty heavily in the beginning of The Walking Dead comic. I wonder if they’ll keep that part in the TV show. I guess we’ll find that out soon enough (Walking Dead premieres on AMC in 3 days at the time of this writing).

I still like saying to no one in particular “Hellllllllooooooo…” after every time I watch 28 Days Later. But what I really liked about 28 Days Later was the fast moving zombie. The zombies in the movie were no joke. They weren’t slow moving shamblers; they were the exact opposite. They were rage fueled beasts that really wanted to take a bite out of you.

If I had to pick which zombie movie world I’d be stuck in, I would definitely pick slow and hard to kill over insanely fast and slightly less less hard to kill. If the fast moving zombies of 28 Days Later were in the mall of the original Dawn of the Dead, it wouldn’t be the Zach Snyder Dawn of the Dead remake; it would be a two minute long movie! Roger and company wouldn’t even make it into Penney’s. Do you remember how many times the four main characters in Romero’s Dawn of the Dead used run and push moves out of a John Madden video game to get around zombies? That doesn’t work with the sprinters.

Fact: Zombies can’t swim. Except for the ones who can! Keep running!

But that run and push move from Dawn of the Dead illustrates something about the whole zombie movie genre: more than anything else, more so than even the zombies themselves, the major cause of death in zombie movies is hubris, hubris on the part of the living. In 28 Days Later, it was the hubris of militant animal rights activists that caused the virus outbreak in Britain. In Dawn of the Dead, Roger was infected because he went out of his way to put himself in riskier and riskier situations. And in 28 Weeks Later, it’s the hubris of a well intentioned doctor that gets the whole rage virus zombie plague started back up again.

The most interesting thing to me about 28 Weeks Later is that it presents the viewer with a variation on the classic “If you could go back in time and kill Hitler as a child, would you do it?” It’s set up very early on that young Andy isn’t going to become infected once he comes into contact with infected blood, but that he’ll be a carrier, just like his mother and infect everyone else. At various points in the movie, Andy is set to die, but is saved, usually by military personnel ignoring their orders (Jeremy Renner both refusing to shoot Andy with his sniper rifle and later taking out another sniper that would have shot Andy, the doctor trying to keep Andy safe to use him to make an antidote, Flynn not shooting Andy, but instead flying him out to Paris). The interesting part is that none of these characters, with the exception of the doctor, know how dangerous Andy is. The others just don’t want it on their conscience that they killed a child. The viewer, on the other hand, knows very well that this kid could bring about the fall of mankind, making it very hard, especially once he’s exposed to the virus, not to wish something bad to happen to him. If 28 Weeks Later taught me anything, it’s that there’s a decent chance I’d shoot baby Hitler.

Pop quiz hotshot: This kid is going to bring about the zombie apocalypse. What do you do?

Now that I’ve seen 28 Weeks Later, I have to say I’m a bit shocked when I hear people say they prefer this over 28 Days Later. 28 Days Later is much better than 28 Weeks Later. What 28 Weeks Later does well, 28 Days Later does better. Take the “my dad is a zombie and now he’s trying to kill us” subplot. 28 Days Later dealt with this very painfully, with the immediacy of killing the little girl’s dad once he became infected. 28 Weeks Later, on the other hand, drags this out through the whole movie. After the dad gets infected, he becomes almost Jason or Freddy like in his tenacity and invulnerability. When Jeremy Renner is leading the group’s escape out of the camp and Andy sees his dad, I thought Andy was seeing things, not that his zombie dad was actually stalking them. He didn’t need to be the final bad guy at the end. The scene where Andy’s sister kills him probably would have been more effective from a character standpoint much earlier in the movie. That way, we could have seen the effect that killing your zombie dad, or watching your sister kill your zombie dad, has on someone.

Jeremy Renner looks confused because he’s trying to figure out how he wandered from the set of The Hurt Locker to here.

All that said, I really enjoyed the opening scenes of 28 Weeks Later tremendously, showing the horrific choice Andy’s dad made to survive and the set-up of what happened to London between 28 Days Later and 28 Weeks Later.

I really liked seeing these in-story promo posters for 28 Weeks Later around NYC shortly before the movie opened. They’re so cool looking, right down to the fake creases.

LOST FAN ALERT: If you’re a reader of this blog and was excited to find out that Jeremy Davies was in It’s Kind of a Funny Story, then you also might be excited to find out that Michael from Lost, Harold Perrineau, is in 28 Weeks Later. The producers totally blew their chance to combine Lost with 28 Days Later when they didn’t’ have him walk around yelling “Hellllllllllllllllloooooo! Wallllllllllllllllllllllllllt!”

Walllllllllllllllllllllttttttttttttttttt!
Walllllllllllllllllllllttttttttttttttttt?

The special features on the 28 Weeks Later Blu-Ray are pretty weak. There are only two deleted scenes and no alternate ending. There are two motion comics included, animated versions of what I think are the 28 Days Later comic. Whoever designed these motion comics should be banned from the profession. I had to turn them off after 30 seconds. The movement of the images and the text in them were so jarring, I could feel my eyes crossing. I haven’t ever rated any motion comic special feature highly, but this one is especially bad in its design.

In the end, I give 28 Weeks Later 3 blarrgghs and 1/2 brainnnnns…

On the Couch #36: Dawn of the Dead

It’s kind of funny how fascinated I am by zombies considering how few zombie movies I’ve actually seen. I love the prospect of new zombie movies, but I rarely watch them. When I was traveling in London a few years ago, I was immediately enthralled by posters for the then upcoming “Shaun of the Dead,” and was upset that we were leaving London the day before its release, especially after finding out I’d have to wait months for its US release. But why would I be excited for a movie parodying Romero’s zombie movies? At that point, the only George Romero zombie movie I ever saw was the original Night of the Living Dead. I hadn’t even seen the movie whose title Shaun of the Dead was parodying. But I was seriously excited for Shaun of the Dead. I even dressed up like Shaun for Halloween that year (total people at the party who knew who I was, excluding me: Julie).

Julie pointed out recently that I don’t really love zombie movies, just zombie comedies. She makes a good point. If you asked me to name my two favorite zombie movies, they’d be Shaun of the Dead and Zombieland. Those are both comedies. I think this comes from that I was never really into horror movies. This is because I’m basically a giant wuss. I’m the guy that horror movies affect a little too much, the one who is watching my back after leaving the theater or turning on all the lights in the apartment and checking behind every door and the shower curtain after leaving the couch. The one who is formulating plans for surviving the zombiepocalypse. The one who doesn’t sleep for the next couple of nights. Name a great comedy. I’ve probably seen it. Heck, name a below-average comedy. I’ve probably seen it. But name a horror movie that everyone’s seen and there’s probably a 10% chance I’ve seen it and an even smaller chance I want to see it.

The funniest image in the movie: everyone in fur.

I’m glad I finally watched Dawn of the Dead. Not only because I feel it’s one of those movies I needed to see but never got around to seeing, but also because I’ve been to the Zombie Museum in the Monroeville Mall more times than I’ve seen Dawn of the Dead. That’s still true today, as I’d have to watch Dawn of the Dead once more to tie the number of times I’ve been to the Zombie Museum.

What’s the Zombie Museum, you ask? To me, it’s the number one reason to take a trip to the Monroeville Mall. Though I don’t know how many people agree with me on that last statement, since it was empty both times I’ve been there. Nestled in the back of a store specializing in action figures is a room that serves as a shrine to all things zombie. A wall is filled with zombie-movie posters with a timeline showing the evolution of the genre from the first zombie movie ever to the current crop. On another wall, bloody handprints of actors serve as a zombie version of the Hollywood walk of fame. There are mannequins done up in costumes from zombie movies, including a zombie-Roger from Dawn of the Dead and a zombie-Michael Jackson from Thriller. There’s even a highly-detailed scale model of the Monroeville Mall showing the characters fighting off zombies. If you’re ever in Pittsburgh, do yourself a favor and check this place out. Tell them Tuesday Night Movies sent you (they’ll probably give you a confused look if you say that, but I could use the free publicity any way I can get it, so thanks).

The Zombie Museum should be on your list of things to do in Pittsburgh before you die…and come back as a flesh hungry monstrosity.

It was very fun to watch Dawn of the Dead with my girlfriend, a Pittsburgh native who grew up near the Monroeville Mall. She was able to point out places in the movie in terms that I’d recognize them (ex. “Those zombies are where we usually meet up with my mom.”). She could also spot the changes to the mall between then and now. I think the only stores still left from 1978 are JC Penney and Piercing Pagoda. The ice rink is long gone; it’s now the food court.

Hey man, you’ve got something in your hair.

If there’s one thing I don’t understand after watching Dawn of the Dead, it’s why that biker gang member kept insisting on trying to check his blood pressure in one of those sit down blood pressure machines while zombies were swarming around him. Everyone should try to keep their blood pressure down, but he really needs to prioritize the likely ways he’d die after the zombie apocalypse (hint: it’s not going to be from eating too many Big Macs).

Dude, dressing up in gray face? Not cool. 

Out of all the special features on the Blu-Ray, the best is definitely a super-8 film shot by one of the zombies on set. It serves as a kind of Zaruda film for the making of Dawn of the Dead, taking you behind the scenes better than most behind the scenes features do.

Dawn of the Dead has made me excited for two things: 1.) Watching the rest of Romero’s zombie movies and 2.) Acting like a zombie on the up escalator next time I’m at the Monroeville Mall.

On The Couch #35: Shutter Island

In honor of Halloween, all of October’s On The Couch movies are going be creepy, kooky and all-together spooky. This is going to be hard work for me, as I’ve never really been a fan of horror movies; I’ll take a good comedy over a good horror movie any time, mainly because comedies don’t give me nightmares. But a theme’s a theme, so away we go…

Shutter Island isn’t a horror movie, but it has a lot of the traits of a modern horror movie (creepy children, unsteady camera work) while avoiding the most common pitfall among modern horror movies (bad screenwriting). Shutter Island is written very well, and like The Usual Suspects, benefits from multiple viewings (or in my case, the two featurettes included on the Blu-Ray that serve the same purpose as watching the movie again, but for a quarter of the time required).

If we didn’t finish watching Shutter Island at 1 AM, I would have been very tempted to immediately start it up again from the beginning, and really, what’s a better compliment than that?

Back to creepy children for a minute. Is there any horror movie cliché that still manages to frighten more than a ghost-like child who says something ominous is a high pitched voice? I don’t care how much this horror film trope has been overused, creepy children still freak me out. I saw a very pale kid with blue lips asleep on his mother’s lap on the subway a few weeks ago and I was convinced he was either going to a.) dart straight up and say something ominous right before plunging our subway car into the depths of hell or b.) try to eat the other passengers, zombie-style. Either way, I was scared. Mothers of New York City: leave the horror effects to Hollywood! Feed your kids some fruits and vegetables so that they’ll stop looking like they’re demonically possessed or like flesh-hungry zombies.

Creepy old people with stringy hair are almost as freaky as creepy kids.

Leonardo DiCaprio shows in Shutter Island why he is now my favorite actor. Because of the movies I’ve seen him in this year: Shutter Island, Blood Diamond and Inception, I’m willing to give Leonardo DiCaprio a free pass for his next few movies. I won’t need any marketing other than his name, the title and the release date and I’m there.

Shutter Island has a really slow build. Julie, Bryan and I got together to watch it on Friday and not all of us made it through the whole movie awake. The problem with falling asleep during the slower parts of Shutter Island though is that once Shutter Island pays off, it pays off big and quickly, with a lot happening in a very small amount of time, which makes explaining what happened to your sleepy companion a bit difficult. Thank goodness for the featurette in the special features, which can double as cliff notes for anyone who takes a side trip to Slumber Island.

Slumber Island: Not a creepy kid in sight.

At The Theater #33: The Social Network

And the Academy Award for Most Over-Hyped Movie of the Year goes to…The Social Network.

Forgive my snark. The Social Network was great and I think that Aaron Sorkin is very deserving of a Best Adapted Screenplay nomination. Sorkin accomplished the double-impossible by making legal depositions and emails sound fascinating. But this movie is seriously over-hyped right now. Is it a good movie? Definitely. Is it “the Citizen Kane of this generation?” Not in my opinion.

The greatest thing to come out of The Social Network is Jesse Eisenberg stepping out of Michael Cera’s shadow. For some time now, he’s seemed like the poor man’s Michael Cera. But he really holds his own in this movie, and didn’t remind me of Michael Cera once.

Was Sean Parker involved in the casting for The Social Network? That’s the only explanation I can come up with for Justin Timberlake being cast in the role of Parker. Don’t misunderstand me, Justin Timberlake’s acting in this movie gave me yet another reason to be jealous of him, but Sean Parker is no Justin Timberlake. If anything, Parker looks more like Jesse Eisenberg…or maybe Carrot Top.

Admit it. You’re not sure if this is a picture of Sean Parker or Carrot Top.

The casting decision that took me out of the movie the most was that of Brenda Song as Facebook co-founder Eduardo’s girlfriend, Christy. After her second scene, I turned to Julie and said “Is that the girl from Zack and Cody?” One: Yes, it is. Two: Yes, I’ve watched The Suite Life of Zack of Cody on more than one occasion. Three: No, I don’t have any children that I can blame this one on.

Yes, I’ve also seen The Suite Life on Deck.

If you haven’t seen The Social Network yet, you really should. It’s a fascinating story about the start of a website that you’ve probably checked your news feed on more than once today.

The Facebook Movie definitely beats the Twitter TV show.

In my very early Oscar call, I think The Town should win best picture over The Social Network.

Three movies this week! And they were all good movies! Yes, I know I’m behind. I’m doing my best to catch up. Expect more multi-movie weeks as we get closer to December.

It seems fitting that with this post I’ve now added the ability for you to like these posts on Facebook using the button below. Click it. Your friends will be impressed.