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At The Theater 2011 #11: Conan the Barbarian

A teenage obsession with Magic: the Gathering and a friend who really liked the Arnold Schwarzenegger Conan the Barbarian led to me seeing the new Conan the Barbarian. The Rotten Tomatoes score of 24 had me not expected much. But I’m happy to say I enjoyed Conan the Barbarian. I don’t think it deserves its very low score of 24 on Rotten Tomatoes. It’s a fun summer blockbuster, though with its $10 million first weekend take, I guess blockbuster is the wrong choice of words. But I thought it was good. I enjoyed it a hell of a lot more than I did 300. There were thankfully no extended slo-mo scenes in Conan like 300 used ad nauseum. If I had to choose between Conan and the upcoming Immortals, I’d definitely go with Conan, but maybe that has more to do with Immortals looking like they took 300 and changed the name to Immortals.

We saw the 2D version of Conan the Barbarian. From what I understand, only 20% of the 3D version is actually in 3D. While watching it in 2D, I couldn’t figure out where the 3D parts would be in the movie. Nothing really jumped out at me as an obvious choice.

I think what helped me like Conan was the amount of humor the movie had. It wasn’t as slapstick as Thor, but it had some funny lines throughout that helped make the movie more enjoyable. My favorite line is the movie came right after Conan was about to kill a particularly goblin-looking bad guy, but was stopped by his eventual love interest Tamara. Then the following exchange happens:

Bad guy: You lie, whore!
Tamara: (to Conan) You can kill him now.

There was some unintentional humor in the movie as well. Tamara and the other women who were being guarded by the monks all reminded me of Zoot and her compatriots that Galahad encounters in Monty Python and the Holy Grail. I kept waiting for one of them to say “Bad, bad Zoot! Wicked, naughty Zoot.”

The other unintentional piece of humor in the film was Jason Mamoa’s resemblance to Brendan Fraser playing Encino Man during a few scenes in the movie. Basically any time Mamoa was looking up with his head facing down, he looked like Encino Man. I think he did this to look grim, but I just expected the Wuh-hees-el to jump out behind him. Actually, that would have been an awesome cameo, Pauly Shore in barbarian gear. Almost everyone else in the cast looks like they just stepped off the stage of an 80’s hair band concert; the Weasel might have fit right in.

Actual footage from Conan the Barbarian.

Mamoa is an awesome Conan though, and really feels like he’s the character brought to life. Besides just being freaking huge, he’s a good actor.

Rose McGowan plays the evil witch Marique. She looks very, very strange in this movie. Unfortunately, I don’t know how much of it is Marique and how much of it is her own botched plastic surgery. Anyone else see how strange she looked in Law & Order: SVU last season? It’s sad, because I used to have a huge crush on Rose McGowan. She used to be very pretty.

Note: This is not her Conan make-up. Rose, what happened?!?

At one point in Conan the Barbarian, our titular hero has to hunt down the bad guys who are holed up in Skull Cave, which to its credit, looks like a skull. I get the feeling that caves shaped like skulls are as common in Hyboria as Hudson News are in Penn Station. Maybe it would help to name your skull caves a little more specifically so that Conan doesn’t show up at the wrong Skull Cave, which causes him to fail to save the girl and stop the evil wizard, thus sending us into a dark age like no other. This particular skull cave had a water fall coming out of its lower jaw. Why not call it Drooling Skull Cave?

Conan the Barbarian is definitely very bloody. The movie begins with Conan literally being born on the battlefield. Later in the movie, Conan sticks his fingers into the cavity of where one of his adversary’s nose used to be. I cringed. It was awesome.

If you’re looking for a fun movie and like a bit of sword and sorcery mixed with your action, Conan the Barbarian may be the movie for you.s

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On The Couch 2011 #23: Young@Heart

Young@Heart hooked me right at the open. An elderly woman with a British accent is belting out The Clash’s Should I Stay or Should I Go almost as if it were spoken word poetry before being joined in at the chorus by the rest of her choir.

You haven’t heard “Should I Stay or Should I Go” until you’ve heard this lady sing it.

While watching Young@Heart, I couldn’t help but wish that I have the high levels of energy and enthusiasm that these senior citizens have on display throughout the entire film. Even when their choir director Bob picks a song for them that they don’t initially like, they jump into it, learn it and end up singing it in a way that I think any of the writers of the songs featured in the movie ever envisioned them being sung.

But man, Young@Heart is vicious movie. Unlike The Expendables, not everyone is makes it out of this documentary in the end. It was like watching Lost: as soon as I was really into one of the people in the movie, they died. The fact that these are real people and not characters made it even harder to accept. But Young@Heart turns the deaths in the movies into positive messages. At its core, the movie is about living life to its fullest, and picking up and carrying on when a loved one passes away.

I immediately gave this movie five stars after watching it. I kind of want some of the songs on my iPod as well.

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At The Theater 2011 #10: Midnight in Paris

Thankfully we were still in Bar Harbor when Midnight in Paris opened up at Reel Pizza. Woo-hoo! Another excuse to eat pizza and watch a movie in a theater. We didn’t line up early enough for Midnight in Paris. There was a sizable crowd outside the theater when we showed up, which unfortunately meant our group of five would have to split up. Fortunately, it meant that we could make use of the couches in the first two rows of the theater. No one couch there is big enough for five people, but when you divide up across two couches suddenly I’m splayed out like I’m at home in my living room.

Reel Pizza has a new pie on their menu, with fresh basil and goat cheese. It is awesome. If we made any mistake in this trip to Reel Pizza, it wasn’t showing up too late to get seats together, it was ordering a small instead of a large on the basil and goat cheese pie. It went quickly.

I haven’t seen every Woody Allen movie. Actually, I could probably count on one hand the number of Woody Allen movies I’ve seen. That said, I loved Midnight in Paris. It was stellar. It’s funny, it’s romantic. Owen Wilson is great. But the real stars of the movie are the actors playing the historical figures that he meets. Corey Stall as Hemingway was definitely my favorite, with Adrien Brody’s Dali coming in a close second.

“Rhinoceros!”
“Dali!”

The one odd thing about Midnight in Paris is that Owen Wilson’s character Gil is obsessed with Paris in the 20’s, but with the exception of Marion Cotillard’s fictional character Adriana, every other person he meets in a real life American or Spaniard.
Marion Cotillard is beyond charming. If she asked me to stay in pre-1900 Paris with her, I would have a hard time saying no. 

Would you give up Angry Birds for a French bird?

Go see Midnight in Paris. Highest possible recommendation.

And go see movies at Reel Pizza. Beyond highest possible recommendation.

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At The Theater 2011 #9: Submarine

There’s a lot to be said for a great movie theater. When I’m in Los Angeles, I feel the need to see a movie at the Arclight. And when I travel to Bar Harbor, ME, I need to see a movie at Reel Pizza. I have never made a trip to Bar Harbor without seeing at least one movie at Reel Pizza.

I was looking forward to seeing Horrible Bosses or Midnight in Paris at Reel Pizza when we arrived in Bar Harbor. Unfortunately, I read the schedule wrong and those two movies weren’t showing up until later in the week, so we had our choice of Tree of Life and Submarine.

I didn’t know anything about Submarine before heading into the theater. I’d only seen the poster, which is pretty much just the face and torso of a Welsh teenager. But I did hear things about Tree of Life, mainly that it was long, boring and hard to understand. So Submarine it is!

Submarine is great. I definitely recommend watching it. If you like the humor that comes from awkward situations, like the kind found in Louis C.K.’s show Louis, I think you will enjoy Submarine a lot. Submarine captures the awkwardness of being a teenager, especially an unpopular one, very well.

Ah, young love. Young, awkward love.

If you have quick eyes, you might be able to catch Ben Stiller’s cameo in the movie. It’s faster than Rebecca Romajin’s cameo in X-Men: First Class.

I thought this was Ben Stiller. But it’s not.

My favorite pizza at Reel Pizza is the Hawaii 5-0. We had a larger group with us in Maine this time around, so we ventured out of our usual and added a large Godfather to our order. The Godfather pie is good, but I think the Hawaii 5-0 is still king there.

For more on why you need to see a movie at Reel Pizza, please check out my reviews of Inception and Oceans.

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On The Couch 2011 #22: The Expendables

When I first saw the poster for The Expendables, I thought, “Who is going to see that?” And then the movie came out and it was box office gold. I was shocked it did so well. The trailer made it look like the schlockiest, overdone action movie in years. I didn’t understand how there was this much demand for 1980s action nostalgia. But that was back before I dove into the glory that is the Rambo universe. I may divide my life into Before Seeing Rambo (BSR) and After Seeing Rambo (ASR) going forward. After watching Rambo III, I immediately wanted to watch Rambo followed by The Expendables. After seeing Rambo (First Blood Pt. 4, not Part 2), I thought I could wait a little before seeing The Expendables. Is this all the proof you need that Rambo III is better than Rambo?

For a movie called The Expendables, they’re all surprisingly resilient. I was surprised to see none of the team members die, not even in an inspiring “I die so you can live” scenario. Even team betrayer and all around psycho Gunner Jensen, played by The Punisher’s Dolph Lundgren survives a vicious stabbing AND is allowed back on the team! How do you make room for fresh faces in the sequel if everyone makes it out this time around?

Speaking of Dolph Lundren, if there is anything that has degraded more amazingly since the 1980’s than Domino’s Mickey Rourke’s looks, it’s Dolph Lundgren’s acting ability. How this is possible when you consider how bad an actor Dolph was even at the top of his game is beyond me. But it’s true.

Sylvester Stallone with Christina Aguilera on the set of her video for Beautiful.

If any of The Expendables was expendable, it was definitely Get Smart’s Terry Crews. I kept asking myself, “Am I forgetting the iconic action role that Terry Crews played to get him a spot in this movie?” And then I remembered, he was the dad on Everybody Hates Chris. Sorry for the hassle, Mr. Crews. My bad. You action hero legacy is justified.

The weird thing about The Expendables is that while it didn’t do much for me, I already find myself interested in the sequel that’s in the works for 2012. Replicant’s Jean-Claude Van Damme and Sidekick’s Chuck Norris are both listed on the IMDB page as possibly being in it. I have some more suggestions for the producers: 1. Steven Segal (needs to lose weight first), 2. Jackie Chan (needs to lose Chris Tucker first) and 3. Danny Glover (as Sugartits).

“If you don’t put me in the sequel, I will eat this snake’s butt!”
He’s not kidding! I’ve seen him do it!

The Expendables has something for everybody, regardless if you’re a fan of 1980s action stars, 1990s action stars or 2000s action stars. That’s everybody, right?

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On the Couch 2011 #21: City Island

City Island is one of those movies that if you grew up in New York City, you need to see, especially if you grew up in an Italian section of one of the outer boroughs. The majority of the movie takes place on City Island, small former fishing village off the coast of the Bronx, but it’s not a Bronx movie. It could just have easily taken place in Brooklyn or Long Island City, Queens. This is one of those movies that I expect my relatives to enjoy, especially those in my parents’ generation, because the characters could easily be people they know.

The plot of City Island didn’t play out like I expected it to. When a cop makes the decision to take a con home to live with his family, it sounds like the makings of a Cape Fear-esque thriller. But City Island turns this plot device on its head. The young con, who is also unaware he is the son of the cop taking him home, serves as a character playing out the audience’s POV. He is the stranger in this very strange family, finding out their deceptions to each other, like husband and wife Andy Garcia and Julianna Margulies both lying to each other about quitting smoking. No one in the family is telling the truth to each other, with the exception of con Tony, played expertly by Steven Strait

Even reading must be done in secret on City Island. Shhhh.

There is plenty of humor to be found in City Island. Whether it’s Andy Garcia’s prison guard (er, I mean…Corrections Officer) turned actor Vince Rizzo attending his first audition or his teenage son finding out that the object of his internet affection lives directly across the street, you will find something to laugh at. The humor is sharp, and comments well on both the lies we tell ourselves and the lies we tell those closest to us.

City Island should be at the top of your movies to see at home list.

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At The Theater 2011 #8: Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2

For more of my thoughts on the new Harry Potter movie, including who I think are the top 5 actors of the franchise, download episode 2 of my new podcast, The Billy and Bryan Show, available for free on iTunes! While you’re there, download the first episode too!

Unlike when I saw Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1, aka Hermione Granger and Red Dress of Awesomeness, I somehow managed to keep my awesome British accent in check while walking around in Harry Potter glasses before seeing Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2, which surprised my friends who were bracing for a night full of cockney from me.

Sadly, the red dress of awesomeness was no where to be found in Hermione Granger and the Red Dress of Awesomeness Part 2. But we did get this outfit, so who am I to complain?

The new Harry Potter movie was great; the crowd that was in the movie theater with us was not. A big group of us caught it at the Union Square Regal on the Friday night of opening weekend. I found the staff at the Regal to be nice and friendly, but I cannot recommend going there to see a major blockbuster like this on opening weekend. There were about 8 people ahead of us on line on the sidewalk when we were let in, but somehow there was a mass of people already in the theater when we walked in. It seems that Regal had people queuing up on the sidewalk outside, while also having people on line next to the doors of the theater inside, and other people just hanging around inside waiting to pounce once people started being let in. Line management is not their forte. The other major frustration of the night was that the group of people behind us would not shut up throughout the entire movie. It was like they opened up a Regal Court St embassy in the middle of our theater in Union Square! My friend Sarv almost went all Umbridge on the people behind us!

I’m happy to report that I found the movie to be great. I made the conscious decision to not reread the book before seeing the movie, because even by splitting the book into two movies, I knew there would be some changes, plus I wanted to be surprised by what was happening on the screen. Before the movie started, the only things I remembered from the book were that Harry and Voldemort fight and 19 years later, Harry’s kids are heading off heading to Hogwarts.

Kiss him, you fool!

Speaking of the epilogue, I thought they did a good job with it, but man did they make the Hogwarts crew age in unflattering ways. Ron, what happened to you? Have your wife whip you up a fitness charm and get rid of that gut! Also, how are there any bald wizards in The Wizarding World? I’m looking at you, Draco Malfoy. You’d think male pattern baldness would have been eliminated centuries ago! Time travel? Check! Resurrections? Check! A cure for baldness? “Eh…we’re wizards, not miracle workers.” Hermione needs to tweak that polyjuice potion that went awry and turned her into Catgirl and market it to the folliclely challenged.

No more Hermione?!?! Noooo!!!
I’m going to miss heading to the theater with my friends for new Harry Potter movies. But I’m sure there will be more franchises that we’ll get wrapped up in, and more opening weekend outings. Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2 was the movie I was anticipating since the beginning of the year. Now that it’s passed, I’m not sure what new or upcoming release to latch my excitement onto. Captain America? Cowboy and Aliens? Both look great, but I’m not counting down the days until I see them. Actually, I know what movie has just replaced Harry Potter in my Can’t Wait List…
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At The Theater 2011 #7: Attack the Block

Saw the new Harry Potter and are still jonesing for a cast of Brits fighting against the unworldly? Then you need to go see Attack the Block.

It was hard to get behind the protagonists initially in Attack of the Block. They start the movie robbing a woman at knife point and follow that up by acting like the loud, obnoxious teenagers that they are. I won’t lie, for a little while I was rooting for the aliens to dismember them and took a fair amount of glee when the aliens took out the teen who I found the most annoying. The aliens aren’t picky about who they kill though; a likable character is just as likely to buy it as a highly unlikeable one. Well, maybe not just as likely, but still very high.

The aliens are very cool looking in Attack the Block. They’re these eyeless ape-dog hybrids with rows and rows sharp, iridescent teeth and fur that’s darker than the night. They’re vicious, speedy and deadly, which made for a movie full of great thrills.

Nick Frost is hilarious as a constantly stoned pot dealer.

I’m used to Nick Frost movies being really funny, but Attack the Block doesn’t have as much humor as Shaun of the Dead or Hot Fuzz did, and if you go to this movie expecting amount of humor from those movies, you might be disappointed. But it works great as a thriller. If you’re a fan of movies like Gremlins or Aliens, I highly recommend it. Catch it while you can in the theater.
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At The Theater 2011 #6: The Rocky Horror Picture Show

Originally, The Rocky Horror Picture Show was supposed be 1 of the 52 movies I saw in 2010. There are weekly midnight screenings of it at Chelsea’s Clearview on Fridays and Saturdays. Asking people to dress up in skimpy costumes in December seemed cruel though, so I held out until the summer. Plus, if I learned anything from one of my friends, it’s that you can get people to dress up in costume if it’s your birthday.

I wanted to dress in costume. I knew people did this from my first exposure to Rocky Horror, an old episode of The Drew Carey Show. I couldn’t decide on a costume though. I put this outing together kind of last minute, so I didn’t have time to get too elaborate. My penchant for wearing costumes that don’t require wearing a shirt had me considering heading to American Apparel for some gold-lame briefs. My next idea was to get silk American flag boxer shorts, a pair of boxing gloves and a fake moustache and go as Apollo Creed from Rocky. I’d walk into the theater, look confused and realize I picked the wrong Rocky. In the end, I decided to go as Brad when I realized I had most of his costume in my apartment already. Ah, the path of least resistance, how I adore thee. The hot June weather would have totally justified going the Brad in his undershorts route, but instead I decided to wear dress pants, a dress shirt and a blue sweater. Because nothing says “Hello, June in New York” like a sweater. I had no tan windbreaker, but figured I looked Brad enough to get by.

Before the movie, we hung out at the Trailer Park Bar, picked for its choice location of being directly across the street from Clearview’s Chelsea in case anyone in our group went with a more risqué costume and didn’t want to walk far in it. We were barely in the bar for a minute before someone asked if we were dressed up for Rocky Horror. We responded that we were. It turned out that the woman asking us this from the New York Cast and asked if we’d take a picture with the other actors in the cast. They were all extremely nice. Their Brad even said he would have lent me a tan windbreaker if he knew I needed one. Cool people all around. We even met a guy from the Pittsburgh cast who was in town to check out the NYC cast.

The energy at the Saturday, June 25 show was amazing. The NY State gay marriage bill was passed less than 24 hours earlier, which definitely had people in a good mood. There was a dance party before the movie started and a contest for Rocky Horror virgins on who could make the best orgasm noise. I went second, and went with a quiet “Oh. Sorry. I swear this never happens.” I was totally robbed of the first place prize by a overweight South American yelling “Ay, papi!.” Now I know how Daughtry felt losing to whomever Daughtry lost to on American Idol.

Saturday, June 25 was in the middle of Pride weekend, so this live show was played by an all-male cast, dubbed The Rocky Homo Picture Show for the night. The cast was awesom!. They had all the parts down. There were more Lord of the Rings references than I expected in the live show, but I guess that’s to be expected when your Rocky is the size of a Hobbit.

The all-male duo Brad and Janet.

If you sit on the aisle, take heed: there’s a decent chance Hobbit Rocky will jump on your lap or you’ll get a close-up view of Frankenfurter’s crotch. Was it because I was on the aisle? In costume? Or both? In any case, I’m not complaining. If you’re going to get freaked out by a transvestite transsexual from sexy Transylvania gyrating in front of you, maybe you picked the wrong midnight movie.

The Greek chorus was jarring at first. It was like listening to Riff Trax if Riff Trax had much more people and a potty mouth. After some time, I managed to tune them out while still picking up on their better one-liners.

Down in front!

Our group of 13 people came ready for the movie with the necessary fan-participation props: newspapers, rice, toast and confetti. We missed the toast cue, but that worked out as I was then able to spend a few minutes throwing toast bits at friends, the South American guy who robbed me in the orgasm contest and a girl across the aisle who fell asleep. How does anybody fall asleep during this show?!

I have nothing but praise for all the actors in this production! It was so much fun!

Go see Rocky Horror at Chelsea’s Clearview. It’s an awesome experience. If, like me, this would be your first time seeing it, this is definitely the way to go. Just bring some friends along to explain the parts that don’t make sense. But really, those parts probably won’t make sense to them either. Tickets are only $9, which gets you a movie and live show. As The Who once sang, I call that a bargain. You can find more details about the weekend midnight shows of The Rocky Horror Picture Show at Chelsea’s Clearview at the New York Rocky Horror website.

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San Diego Comic-Con Highlights

Unfortunately, I wasn’t able to make it out to San Diego for Comic-Con this year. Fortunately, I was glued to the internet all weekend as news was coming down the pipe and have these cool movie bits to share with you.

The Avengers movie poster!

This A with the arrow logo isn’t there to excite the average film goer. It’s for the diehards, the fanboys, the guys and girls who immediately know what that A with the arrow is as soon as they see it. I’m one of them and I’m excited. And it says Assemble. I’m even more excited!

Big thanks to Dave Tomko for leading me to this…the full Avengers team poster! (From bleedingcool.com)
Summer 2012 seriously can’t get here soon enough!

DC is adapting The Dark Knight Returns into an animated feature!

This has the potential of being HUGE…and the potential for being a huge letdown. But man, could you ask for better source material than Frank Miller’s classic from the 1980s. This is to me,  and I’m sure other fans as well, THE Batman story. DC has improved a lot lately with their animated offerings and their latest Batman one, Under the Red Hood, is their best in show. Hopefully they pull out all the stops for The Dark Knight Returns. Needless to say, when this is released, I will definitely be reviewing it. Is it too early to add it to my queue?

The surprise at The Amazing Spider-Man movie panel!

This was the show stealer at San Diego. If you haven’t watched this clip, WATCH IT NOW! It’s definitely my favorite clip from the con.

I can’t wait for next summer’s movies!

Between The Avengers, The Amazing Spider-Man, and The Dark Knight Rises, I am ridiculously psyched for next summer’s movies! Joss on Avengers! More Bale/Nolan Batman! And two of my favorite new actors, Emma Stone and Andrew Garfield starring in Spider-Man! Can it be Summer 2012 now, please?

I do plan on being at New York Comic Con in October, where I’ll bring you first hand accounts of movie announcements and previews, of which I’m sure there will be plenty!

Now back to your regularly scheduled blog…