At The Movies: #1 Sherlock Holmes

At a Foo Fighters concert I attended at MSG, lead singer Dave Grohl yelled to the audience “I hope you went to the bathroom already, because we’re going to rock three hours non-stop!” The same warning should be given at the beginning of Sherlock Holmes.

I’m serious here. After gulping down a water and a green tea (really trying to get over my cold) before the movie, by five minutes in I really had to go. I mean, I REALLY HAD TO GO. But there was never a good time to jump up and run to the men’s room. It’s not that the movie is a thrill-a-minute nail biter. It’s not. This isn’t Crank (Thank God). It’s just very engaging. The majority of Holmes and Watson’s best lines come in the slower scenes, which is why over an hour into the movie, with my bladder feeling like it would burst, I was still glued to my seat. But the fast paced fight scenes aren’t a good time either, because they’re awesome too.
It wasn’t until the 1 hour and 15 minute mark that I finally succumbed to my bodily needs and ran out and back in as quickly as possible. I found out afterwards from my friend that I missed Rachel McAdams‘ disrobing scene in the two minutes I was gone. So I repeat my advice: Go to the bathroom before the movie starts. Either you’ll sit in pain for 2 hours and 14 minutes and possibly cause kidney damage to yourself or you’ll do what I did and miss the only scene in the movie where Rachel McAdams isn’t covered head to toe in Victorian era garb. It’s a lose-lose if you don’t go before the start.
Unlike most big star blockbusters that are all hype in the trailers and all regret when watching, Sherlock Holmes delivers. It’s got something for everyone: Robert Downey Jr for the girls, Rachel McAdams for the guys and Jude Law’s moustache for the hipsters. It’s really not fair how well Jude Law pulls off that moustache. Guys, please, after seeing this movie, while listening to your girlfriend fawn over Jude Law, don’t try to emulate his look by growing your own ‘stache. Because chances are you will only look like a child molester.

Note: As far as I know, this guy is not actually a child molester, so please don’t assume that he is. But with that moustache, it’s a little hard not to, right?

And if you’re even slightly overweight, you’ll look less like this…

And more like this, Ron Swanson from Parks and Recreation.

Instead, if you want to be more like Jude Law in the eyes of your girlfriend, have sex with your nanny.
I wasn’t the only one in our group that noticed that with one exception, Robert Downey Jr is always referred to as Holmes, never as Sherlock. Which is weird, because when you think about it, Sherlock is a much more unique name than Holmes. You probably know more than one person with the last name Holmes. I know I do. But you, like I, probably know of no one named Sherlock. Next time you’re naming a child, keep that in mind. If names like Michael or Tony are too common for you, maybe it’s time to give Sherlock a try.

My advice to you: 1. See Sherlock Holmes. 2. Go #1 beforehand. 3. Don’t grow a moustache. 4. Name your next child Sherlock; it’s more unique than you thought.