The episode opens and we finally get to see the old man who is the three eyed raven. He’s not as woven into the tree as I pictured in my head from the books. He seems more encapsulated by the branches, like he just needs someone to saw him out. I’m firmly in the camp that the TV show does it better, but here I think the TV show lost out to the books. Bran is at the old man’s feet. Remember Bran? It’s been awhile! Wow, Bran has really aged since we’ve last seen him. That’s what happens when you leave a teenager out of a whole season of a show. Bran is seeing the past, specifically his dad, Ned, as a kid in Winterfell. And Winterfell never looked so good. The place is at peace, something Winterfell hasn’t seen since early in season one. Young Ned and Young Ben are practicing their swordplay in the yard. Lyanna Stark *cough* Jon’s mom! Jon’s mom! *cough* Even Bran is surprised by happy everyone is. “They were all so happy,”  he exclaims. The definition of happy in Game of Thrones is fascinating, I mean they’re still hitting each other with blunted swords. Whoa! Hodor as as a boy! And he’s talking! Hodor’s name is Wylis! Get ready for all the Hodor “Whatchu talkin’ about Wylis?” memes. Hodor is older than I thought.

The old man pulls Bran out of his vision of the past. In the present, an extra from the Broadway show Cats is checking out Bran. I know, I know, she’s one of the Children of the Forest. Put your keyboard down, angry German fan.

Bran asks Hodor about his past. Surprise, surprise, Hodor only responds, “Hodor.” Man, Meera has gotten older too. Meera looks like she could be Tom Hiddleston’s sister. If Marvel ever needs to cast female Loki, look no further! The extra from Cats tells Meera that Brandon needs her. She then launches into a rendition of Memories before we cut away to the Wall.

Maybe it’s a product of my 90’s suburban upbringing, but every time the show cuts to the Wall, I think of The Wall, the CD store that used to give you a sticker for any CD purchased there. If anything went wrong with the CD, they would replace it, no questions asked. It was a long time before they caught on that people saved the stickers on the side and only attached them to their CDs when one scratched, whether it was bought from The Wall or not. They eventually went out of business, possibly related to that exploit of their policy. Cue Closing Time.

Sorry, back to the show.

Up at the Wall, Thorne wants inside Davos’s room. Thorne says no harm will come to them if they open the door…which is why Thorne has a horde of archers aiming their arrows at the door. Don’t open the door, Davos, I’ve seen this before! Damn, Ghost is huge. Davos and the Jon-men bare their swords, but they keep the door locked. Thorne has a dude knock the door down with a battering ram. That kid that killed Ygritte still has that smug look from last episode on his face. Man, I hope someone stabs that kid in his stupid face. Just as Thorne’s men break into Davos’s room, the wildlings, led by Redbeard, storm the Wall. Oh man, you guys are fucked. The wildlings have a giant. That giant is so cool. I want Davos to say, “We have a Hulk,” as the giant bashing one of Thorne’s men against the Wall. Thorne’s men surrender immediately. Good call. It’s only Thorne and Smug Boy left. The kid charges. Sadly, they just disarm him quickly instead of stabbing him in his stupid face. Dolorous Edd take charge! He orders Thorne, Smug Boy and their crew to the cells. Redbeard checks out Snow’s body.

Down at King’s Landing, some dude is bragging about flashing Cersei with his cock when she did her walk of shame. What’s funny is that Lena Headley mentioned this guy when she was on NPR’s Wait, Wait, Don’t Tell Me during the offseason. The host, Peter Sagal, asked Lena Headley about filming the walk of shame scene. She mentioned that before shooting started, she was talking to a new face at the craft services table. She asked what part he had today, and he basically said, “I’m going to be flashing my willy at you.” Glad he’s back. Too bad he won’t be back again. The Mountain teaches him a lesson. That lesson is “Brag about flashing the Queen and have your skull bashed into a wall.” I think the Mountain is actually stronger than before. The Mountain returns tot Cersei. Please Mountain, never take that helmet off, but if you do, please be the WWE’s Undertaker under that mask. And please have Qyburn follow him around with an urn full of the Hound’s ashes.

Cersei tries to attend her daughter’s funeral, but King Tommen has ordered his guards to keep Cersei in her room. For a second, it looks like the Mountain is about tombstone pile drive his way through about a dozen of Tommen’s knights, but Cersei has him stand down and stays put in her room.

Speaking of Tommen, he’s with his uncle-dad Jaime at Myrsella’s funeral. Unlike Joffrey’s funeral, this is a private affair, just a an uncle-dad and his nephew-son mourning the loss of niece-daughter. Welcome to royalty. How are these people not all cross-eyes and web-fingered from sharing so many chromosomes? Tommen is a lot whinier here than I remember him in the books, and less of a mother’s boy. It turns out that Tommen has Cersei confined to her room because he is too embarrassed to face her. He’s embarassed that he didn’t do anything to save his mom from jailing her walk of shame.

The High Septon aka Pope Francis walks in. Tommen wants to see Princess Low Cut. No dice. The High Septon says no one can see her, not even the king, until she confesses. Jaime sends Tommen away. Jaime and the High Septon stand off. .Jaime hints he’s going to cut down the High Septon right there. The High Septon calls his bluff. The Faith Militant appear at the top of the steps. Jaime points out that they’re too far to save the High Septon. The High Septon says that doesn’t matter. He and the Faith Militant have nothing and everything to gain. Jaime and the royalty have everything to lost. Is it me or do the Faith Militant have a lot of similarities to the Sons of the Harpy? Sure the Sons of the Harpy are mostly rich slave owners, but after that difference, I think the groups are similar. They’re both religious extremists, rising up to take down those in power.

Anyway, Jaime stands down.

Tommen meets with his mother and  begs her forgiveness. Unrelated, Tommen has a really weak chin.

In Mereen, Tyrion is meeting with Varys, Grey Worm and Missandei. In my notes, I wrote their names as “Baldy, No Dick and What’s Her Name the Scribe.” I know, I know. I’m the worst. Angry comment all you want, it won’t help me remember these names any faster. Tyrion has a great line where he says, “If I lost my cock, I’d drink all the time. No offense,” as he looks at Varys and Grey Worm. Tyrion has the best line of the episode with “That’s what I do. I drink and I know things.” Seriously, it’s been less than a week and I’ve already seen a store selling that line on t-shirts. Tyrion wants to free the dragons. He has the best ideas when he’s drinking.

Tyrion goes down into the pit and talks to one of the two dragons chained up down there. In the books, the dragons melted their chains, but here on the show, they’re still bound. After telling a great story about wanting a dragon when he was a boy, Tyrion unchains the dragon. The other dragon walks over and presents his chain to Tyrion. He frees that one too. The two dragons walk away. Tyrion speeds out. Amazingly, his pants aren’t wet. Even more amazingly, he’s not toasted dragon food.

Arya has looked better. She’s definitely been on the receiving end of off-camera training beatings since last episode. She should get some tips from Daredevil. Since that waif who keeps beating her does it with a stick, maybe I’ll call her Stick after Daredevil’s mentor. After Stick finishes beating Arya for the day, Jaqen H’ghar shows up. Oh, Jaqen, you’re my favorite. He tells Arya that if she wants the beatings to stop and her sight back, she just has to say her name. Arya doesn’t back down; she says she’s no one. Jaqen’s impressed. Arya just got promoted.

The Boltons boy are having some father son time. Roose thinks Sansa will flee to her bastard brother at the Wall. Ramsey suggests killing Jon Snow. Ha. Too late. There’s news. Lady Walda has given birth to a son. How long until Ramsey kills the baby? Who wants to take bets? Before anyone can pick a date, Ramsey stabs Roose. No, Roose stabbed Ramsey. No, Ramsey stabbed Roose. Damn! Cold blooded! It’s ironic that Ramsey did Roose the same way Roose did Robb at the Red Wedding. All that was missing was Ramsey saying, “Ramsey sends his regards.”

Remember when Winterfell was a nice place 30 minutes and 30 years ago? You know, before sons were stabbing fathers. Killing his own father isn’t even the worst thing Ramsey will do today. Ramsey meets Walda and the baby in the yard. He asks Walda, “May I hold him?” Walda, the answer is always no, no, no, no, no, no. Ramsey leads Walda into his dog pen. Walda asks “Where is Lord Bolton?” To which I said to my TV, “I am Lord Bolton.” And then Ramsey said, “I am Lord Bolton.” Oh Walda. You knew you were dead the moment you walked into the dog pen. Ramsey says, “I prefer being an only child.” He sics the dogs on Walda and the baby. Those dogs have been eating really well the last two episodes. I was watching this episode with closed captioning on. I cold have done without “flesh tearing” showing up in the close captioning. Thanks closed captioneers.

Thankfully, we get to see my new favorite team-up, Sansa and Brienne. Brienne tells Sansa about encountering Arya. Sansa says she should have gone with Brienne when Brienne first offered? When did Sansa have the opportunity to go with Brienne before? I seriously just don’t remember this. A little help, readers? Roose was right, Sansa plans to head to the Wall. Theon is afraid of Jon’s wrath if they go to the Wall. He’s remorseful for everything he’s done to the Starks. He points out that even though he didn’t kill Bran and Rickon, he killed those two stable boys while claiming they were Theon and Rickon, not to mention killing others in Winterfell during his short coup. Theon is riding for home, the Iron Isles. I feel like he would be safer at The Wall.

In the Iron Isles, Balon and Asha are arguing. While most of the show has passed the books, this and what’s going on with Arya, seem to be the only storylines that have fallen behind the books. Balon wants to conquer. Asha wants to shore up the Iron Isles and consolidate their rule there. Balon scoffs at her, pointing out that out of all of the kings in the War of the Five Kings, he’s the only one still alive. When Balon walks out onto that footbridge in the storm, all I thought was, “Okay, here we go. Nice knowing you, Balon.” I think Balon’s death was  handled better here on the show than it was in the books. In the books, his death seemed random and like it came out of nowhere. The old man just slipped and fell of the bridge. Was it because he was cursed by Smokey Vajayjay’s fire god? Or was he just an old man walking over a slippery and rickety bridge in a storm? Either way, his death on the TV show definitely drives the plot forward better. We are immediately introduced to Balon’s prodigal brother Euron, aka The Crow’s Eye. We immediately get to see how dangerous Euron is when he kills his brother. It’s funny how unshocking fratricide and patricide are on this show. Euron killed his brother to seize power for himself? Well, what else did you expect? During this scene, all I could think was “Woot! King’s moot time! Woot! Woot! It’s a motherfucking King’s moot!” King’s moot has to be my single favorite phrase from the books. It’s just fun to say, like chimichanga.

Smokey Vajayjay looks like her young self again. Davos enters her room. Imagine if she still looked 1,000? That would have been a hard one to explain. Davos wants Smokey to resurrect Jon. Smokey says won’t do it. Despite looking like her young self again, she’s still having a crisis of faith. But Davos believes in her, which when you think about it is really saying a lot, considering Davos’s feeling about Big Red for most of this series.

Smokey cleans Jon’s body. “What’s a man got to do to get a bath around here?” – Common Knight’s Watch idiom. Apparently, the answer is get stabbed repeatedly and die. Or mostly die. Or die. I honestly don’t know if Jon is coming back as I watch this. If it were any other show, then OF COURSE Jon is coming back. But there seems to be nothing GRRM likes more than fucking with the readers and viewers. “Hey, invest in this Ned Stark guy! He’s going places! Psych!” – GRRM in season one.

As Smokey is cleaning Jon, I think, “Wow, that’s a lot of blood on Jon Snow.” Big Red has looked better. Jon too for that matter. The jewel in Smokey’s  necklace is dark. It was dark last episode too. That can’t be a good sign. Wow, Jon looks very, very Jesus right now. This scene has all the subtlety of Zach Snyder’s Man of Steel when it comes to Jesus imagery. Mellie Mel works her magic. Yeah, that’s right. I now have three nicknames for her. Come at me, bro! She burns some of Jon’s hair. Don’t worry, she cut the hair off first. But this room must really smell great right now. Oh wait, Tormund (Red beard, not to be confused with Big Red. Big Red is Mellie Mel! Keep it straight! )is there. I guess him Tormund there, burning hair won’t make the room smell any worse. Oooh, wicked wildling burn, Billy. Thank you. Wet dire wolf, wildling BO and now burnt hair? Yum. Does Yankee Candle make this scent? Tormund is staring down Davos. Mel gives up. They need Miracle Max. Tormund storms out. Edd and Mel leave. Davos looks at Jon. Ghost sleeps. Jon lies there. Davos leaves. Ghost rises. Jon wakes up gasping! I jump off my couch gasping!

JON SNOW IS ALIVE!!!!!

Dear Game of Thrones staff: please dress Jon as the Dread Pirate Roberts next week.