It’s raining hard in Dragonstone. Dany’s holding a war meeting with all of her major allies. That’s a major theme of this episode: meetings. Lots of medieval people sitting around conference room tables in this episode. Dany calls Varys out on his lifelong bullshit. Varys tries to make himself come across like a man of the people. His sounds about as convincing as Donald Trump (so…really convincing for some of you and really not convincing for the rest of you?). Smokey Vajayjay visits Dany. She wants Dany to team up with Jon Snow. Tyrion thinks it’s a good idea. Dany’s down for the idea, but wants Jon to bend the knee. Every Queen wants Jon to bend the knee. Oh yeah, this is going to end well.
Ravens travel fast, fast enough to arrive in time for the next scene. Up north, Sansa is worried that the raven from Tyrion is an invitation into a trap. Jon hears what she’s saying, but Dany has dragons and Jon needs a dragon to fight the zombies.
Down in King’s Landing, Cersei is holding her own meeting with her lieutenants. She only refers to Dany as the Mad King’s Daughter. It’s like her version of “Crooked Hilary.” There are far fewer lords in this meeting hall than we’ve seen in previous calls from the crown. Creepy Hand says he has a solution to Dany’s dragons. After the meeting, Jaimie offers Lord Tarly a head generalship to ensure his loyalty. Tarley explains he’s sworn fealty to the Tyrells. If you have “drink when someone makes a sideways comment to Jaime about killing the former king” on your bingo card, it’s time to line up another shot.
At the Citadel, Friend Zone ain’t looking too good. That maester that Sam is interning for isn’t too subtle when he hints that Jorah should kill himself.
Creepy Hand and Cersei are checking out the dragon skeletons in the basement of the castle. Creepy Hand shows off the giant crossbows he’s making to fight the dragons. The giant crossbow bolt shatters the skull of the largest dragon skull in the basement.
Dany’s holding another meeting. So many meetings. This episode should have been called, “Meetings, Right?” Ellaria and the Greyjoys want to storm King’s Landing. Tyrion thinks it’s a bad play. Dany sides with Tyrion, even quoting a line he told her earlier in the episode, saying “I’m not here to be queen of ashes.”Tyrion reveals his plans. He wants the armies of Tyrells , Greyjoys and Dorne to lay siege to King’s Landing. Oh hey, Grandma is here too. She’s not keen on her people being used to lay siege to King’s Landing while the Unsullied sit on their thumbs. That’s when Tyrion reveals what he has in mind for the Unsullied. They’re going to take his family home of Casterly Rock and the gold inside it.
After the meeting, Dany and Grandma have a mini-meeting. Grandma tells her, “The lords in Westeros are sheep. Are you a sheep? No. Be a wolf dragon.” Man, the writers of season seven really love Training Day. That’s two episodes in a row that reminded me of this scene.
Back at Dragonstone, Missandei walks in on Grey Worm. I forgot these two were an item. Oh hey, breasts. I feel like we haven’t seen those in a while. Remember when this show was naked people like every other scene? When Grey Worm is telling Missandei how he feels about her, I keep expecting him to say “I am just a Grey Worm standing in front of a girl asking her to love him.” Missandei strips him, but he stops her. He’s a never nude. His full name is Tobias Funkgrey. But Missandei (and her nakedness) convinces him. They straight up kiss butt-ass naked with the door open. Hey guys, maybe close that door? Greyworm mounts her. Umm, that door still is open. You know Varys likes to watch. And then Greyworm heads south. More like Wormtongue, am I right? New nickname!
Sam the Intern says he found a possible cure for Friend Zone’s greyscale. Unfortunately, the cure is now forbidden. Like that’s going to stop Mr. Sam “I do forbidden things” Tarley.
Friend Zone is writing his suicide note when Sam shows up, ready to do the forbidden. Sam pulls out the cure recipe from his ancient textbook. It would suck if the pages are stuck together like when Rachel tried making that multilayered trifle on Thanksgiving on that episode of Friends.
Sam cuts off some greyscale. Jorah looks like burnt meat. Don’t look, Jorah.
The greyscale looks like chicken pot pie. Oh wait, that is chicken pot pie. Arya is in a pub. Oh hey, it’s Hot Pie! When was the last time we saw him? Hot Pie tells her about Jon being King in the North. Arya hops on her horse and heads north. Cersei will have to wait.
Jon’s maester brings a reaven from Sam. Dragonstone sits on a mountain of dragonglass. Looks like Jon is headed to Dragonstone. Everyone wants him to stay. Jon’s leaving Sansa in charge. All of a sudden, Sansa looks like, “well in that case, say hi to my husband Tyrion for me!” Littlefinger looks downright giddy about being left up in Winterfell with Sansa without Jon hovering around.
Littlefinger sees Jon off before he goes, because that’s just a Littlefinger thing to do. Guy can’t leave well enough alone. Jon isn’t having any bullshit from Littlefinger and immediately gets all big brother when he announces, “Touch my sister and I’ll kill you myself.”
In the woods, Arya’s horse is spooked. Wolves, a bunch of them, are what’s causing it. Leading the wolves is a giant wolf, you know, a dire wolf. It’s Nymeria, Arya’s long-lost wolf from season one! Arya wants Nymeria to come north with her. Nymeria slinks off. Arya’s hurt, but understands.
On the Greyjoy’s ship, Asha and Slutty Princess Leia are about to get it on. SLP wants Theon to join in. But before you can say brother/sister threesome that would make Cersei and Jaime proud, Euron attacks. Oh boy, does Euron attack. Euron looks like a poor man’s Liev Schreiber. Euron takes out Spear and Whip and then quickly has a knife to Asha’s throat. The only one who can save her in Theon. Unfortunately, Theon turns to Reek at that moment and jumps overboard. Euron laughs and sails off, leaving Theon surrounded by the broken ships of his sister’s fleet.
No Ed Sheeran sighting this episode. Maybe next time, Ed.
