Monthly Archives: April 2010

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On The Couch #17: Raising Arizona

If this week has taught me anything, it’s that Nicolas Cage isn’t the best father-figure out there. The question isn’t if he’s a bad movie-father (he’s not); it’s in which movie is he a worse father, as Kick-Ass’s Big Daddy or Raising Arizona’s H.I. “Call me Hi” McDunnough?

Round 1: In the Beginning…

Let’s start out with his past life. In both Kick-Ass and Raising Arizona, Nic Cage plays a former inmate. Kick Ass’s Damon Macready, the man who will one day become Big Daddy, was an honest cop set-up by a dirty cop on bogus drug charges and gets sent to maximum security prison.

In Raising Arizona, Hi McDunnough is in and out of jail constantly for smaller crimes, but they are crimes he actually committed, so we’ll have to give him the point.

Someone skipped career day. 

Winner*: Hi McDunnough!
*Winning in these categories isn’t a good thing.

Round 2: Looks

Hi McDunnough – creepy moustache, weird haircut.

I call it Wolverine-chic.

Big Daddy – creepy moustache, cosplay outfit.

 
 “Okay, honey. Time for daddy to teach you about eyeliner.”

Winner: Tie!

Round 3: Parenting Style

Big Daddy is very hands on. He makes his daughter memorize details about weapons and shoots her while she’s wearing a bullet-proof vest, because when you’re training your daughter to become a deadly avenger of the night, preparation is everything.

Hi is the opposite. Call him too laid back, but you have to give him credit in that he never fires live rounds at Nathan Jr.

Leaving the baby in the middle of a highway might cost you a point.

Winner: Big Daddy!

Round 4: Known Associates

On Big Daddy’s side, you have Kick-Ass, who is about as useful as the Hi’s pals the Snoats brothers, but with worse hair. Then there’s Red Mist, who also like the Snoats brothers can’t be trusted. Big Daddy has a cop in his corner, his former partner who attempts to double as his conscious. Unlike Hi, Big Daddy has Hit-Girl in his corner, who has to be the baddest-ass middle school kid outside of my favorite Japanese novel Battle Royale.

This book is awesome. Just skip the movie version; it’s crap. 

On Hi’s side, you have Ed McDunnough, Hi’s wife. She’s a former cop, that’s a plus. And then you have his two jailhouse buddies, Gale and Evelle Snoats. If you were to judge a man based on the rockabillyness of his hair, then Gale would be considered a titan. But really, these guys are so bumbling, they make Hi look highly educated. And they can’t be trusted. But their double-cross doesn’t lead to Hi’s demise, so…

Winner: Big Daddy!

Round 5: Enemies

A man’s enemy can put his family in danger. Just ask Hit-Girl as she was being shot through an open window. Big Daddy is taking on the mafia. As far as NY crime goes, that’s about as big as it gets. He also has to contend with double-crossing heroes and people constantly telling him that he ripped off his look from Batman.

Seriously man, you owe Batman some royalties.

Hi McDunnough has the law to contend with, but the law in his locale shoots as straight as a Cobra trooper. But hot on his heels is The Lone Biker of the Apocalypse. He looks like an extra from Mad Max, bleeds fire, and is armed to the teeth. He even wears a pair of ashen baby sneakers on his chest like a trophy. The guy is hardcore. I would prefer to go up against the combined organized crime families of Kick-Ass, The Sopranos and The Simpsons before facing The Lone Biker of The Apocalypse.

While it looks badass, it turns out strapping grenades to yourself isn’t the best idea.

Winner: H.I. McDunnough!

Round 6: The Kids are Alright

In the end, the best way to judge someone’s parenting skills? Check out the kids. Nathan Jr. goes on to be a star football player in school and gets into college. Hit-Girl ends up attending middle school with Kick-Ass as a normal girl, though one who doesn’t take any crap from bullies. Both kids seem reasonably well-rounded. Sure, Hit-Girl is going to have some very costly therapy sessions later in life, but with parents like the Arizonas, the same could be said for Nathan Jr.

Catholic school is a lot tougher than it was in my day.

What’s really interesting is that in both cases, Nic Cage gives up his parenting duties. I think even he knows he’s a bad father. Hi McDunnough returns Nathan Jr. to the Arizona family and Big Daddy also relinquishes his parenting duties, though not by his own choice. In the end, the result is the same: No Nic Cage = well adjusted child.

Winner: Tie!

Tallying that all up, we have 4 points for Hi McDunnough and 4 points for Big Daddy.

It looks like we have a tie! That’s right, if you’re in a movie where Nic Cage is your father, run and don’t look back, because chances are, you’re not going to have a good childhood. Especially if he has a creepy moustache.

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At The Theater #15: KIck-Ass

Leaving the 34th Street AMC Theater after watching Kick-Ass, I couldn’t help but think “Ugh, that was way too much popcorn.”

Before the movie, I bought a large popcorn to split with Julie and Bryan, and put in on the ground in front of my seat as I got situated. Unfortunately, someone sat down in the seat in front of me and leaned back, sending my popcorn flying. Picking up the bag, I saw that about a quarter of the bag’s contents were now in a nice pile between my legs. This is all before I took a piece of popcorn out of the bag.

I went back to the concession counter, explained what happened and asked the guy if he wouldn’t mind topping me off. He said sure, and while refilling the bag, realized it was a large and told me that there are free refills on large popcorns. Still, it was nice that initially he was refilling the bag out of kindness than out of policy-awareness, so I’m giving the concession staff at this AMC a big A+.

The free refill policy would prove to be my undoing.

By the time we hit the Iron Man preview, half our popcorn was gone, and not to the floor this time. I turned to Bryan and Julie and asked if I should get a refill before the movie started. They didn’t answer, so I asked again. Julie pointed out that if I have to ask more than once if we should refill the popcorn, clearly I want more popcorn. Point taken. I ran out for a refill.

As I was walking to the concession stand, I took fistfuls of popcorn in my mouth. Hey, if they’re going to refill it to the top, then I’m just leaving popcorn in the bin if I don’t do this, right?

The concession guy filled me back up quickly and I made it back inside the theater, only missing half of the Iron Man preview, which I’ve already seen many, many times in the past few weeks.

About a third of the way through Kick-Ass, our Sprite was running low and Julie decided to get a refill. The popcorn was about half full, so I asked her to refill that as well. Hey, if she’s going out there anyway, right?

At the 1:10 mark, my stomach said “Please, I beg you, no more popcorn.” I complied. Looking at the bag, there was about half a bag left. I think that both times we refilled, there was about a third to half a bag remaining. That’s a lot of popcorn not in the bag. It seemed fitting that I had a mound of popcorn under my feet, because at this point, I felt like I was all popcorn.

Take heed of my tale of woe and be wary of the free refill policy at AMC.

My paper bag downfall.

“Um, that’s great, but I’m here to read about Kick-Ass.” Right. Sorry about that.

At the start of Kick-Ass, Dave Lizewski, the boy who would be Kick-Ass, asks why out of all the comic book fans out there, how come no one decided to start running around in a costume fighting crime. After getting stabbed and run over on his first mission as Kick-Ass, he seemed to answer his own question. The beginning of the movies is a warning to fanboys: Unless you find yourself bitten by a radioactive spider or discover that your parents were from a far off, doomed planet, leave the crime-fighting to the cops, especially if you’re underweight and have no fighting skills to speak of.

While the violence starts out pretty realistic as first (underweight crime fighter with no fighting skills is quickly sent to the hospital), it gets more and more over the top as the movie goes on. They’re pretty slick about it though. I didn’t notice how ridiculous things had gotten until towards the end, when Hit-Girl runs down a hallway, firing her handguns until they’re empty, pops the cartridges, tosses two new ones in the air, catches them inside the guns and keeps firing.

I wonder what goes through your mind as a tween beats the crap out of you.

If they make a Kick-Ass sequel, they should let Kick-Ass retire to the countryside and focus solely on Hit-Girl. Hit-Girl is awesome to the same extent that Kick-Ass is annoying. Anytime she came on screen, the audience in my not so packed theater howled. But what else would you expect when an 11-year old dressed like Robin calls someone a cunt before eviscerating him.

Kick-Ass 2 Hit-Girl: The Movie

I’m putting it out there right now; you will see at least one Hit-Girl at whatever Halloween party you find yourself at this year. It’s going to be this year’s Heath Ledger as The Joker.

Speaking of The Joker, towards the end, Christopher Mintz-Plasse’s character, Red Mist, says “Wait ‘til they get a load of me,” and I thought “How many lines are they going to steal from Batman?” until I realized that is was Bryan who said “Where does he get those wonderful toys?” and not someone onscreen.

I enjoyed Kick-Ass and think you should see it if you like movies based on comic books (in which case you’ve probably already seen it), the action scenes in films by Robert Rodriguez, or movies about fathers with creepy moustaches and the daughters who kill for them.

I don’t know what’s scarier, the wall of guns or the moustache.
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On The Couch 16: The Informant!

Yes! Finally! A Matt Damon movie where my girlfriend isn’t swooning over him. It would be pretty hard to in The Informant! Damon sports a bad toupee, big glasses, and a moustache. His character, Mark Whitacre looks like your middle-aged distant relative that dances funny at family weddings. You know who I’m talking about. That guy that you’re not sure how you’re related and you rely on your parents to remind you of his name because you only see him once every three years. Yeah, that guy. In other words, Matt Damon looks nothing like Matt Damon. He pulls a Charlise Theron from Monster in this movie, but in a funny way, and not a “Oh my God, are you effing kidding me? That’s Charlize Theron?!? No, burn my eyes out!” kind of way.

According to my girlfriend, this is my competition. Nice.

In The Informant!, Mark Whitacre works for ADM, a company that’s responsible for putting corn in everything we eat. The government decides to go after them, not for poisoning us with a diet of corn, this isn’t Food Inc., but for being involved in a global price-fixing scheme. When Scott Bakula, inhabiting the body of an FBI agent, shows up to investigate the company on a different matter, Whitacre spills the beans to him about the price-fixing and starts working as possibly the worst FBI informant ever. Somehow while loudly speaking into his microphone, showing off his briefcase tape recorder to an independent contractor, and letting people know about a raid in advance, he manages to help the FBI build a case against ADM. He also manages to royally screw himself over with all parties involved. Remember kids, greed plus ineptitude will get you into trouble.

Bad dog! Give Matt Damon back his toupee!

The Informant! has a lot of stand-up comedians playing FBI agents. I don’t know if this was done as a dig against the FBI. “Those FBI guys are a bunch of clowns!” Stephen Soderbergh might have yelled, “Let’s cast a bunch of stand-up comedians and the Quantum Leap guy as agents to show that!” “Wait, why include Scott Bakula? His show was sci-fi, not comedy,” his casting agent would ask. “Because Quantum Leap was ridiculous!” screams Soderbergh. “Have you ever seen it? He’s helped by a hologram holding a solar calculator with a bunch of Legos glued to it! Get me Bakula!” I’m not sure why I pictured Soderbergh being so maniacal in that casting meeting.  It might be because of the exclamation point at the end of The Informant!

This is what future-tech looked like in the late 80’s.

But there really are a lot of comedians playing FBI agents. This is quite possibly the second most serious role Joel McHale has ever played (the first of course being the Loan Officer in Spider-Man 2). Patton Oswalt and Paul Tompkins are also feds in this movie. It was like the government went out and recruited based on how many times Comedy Central plays your stand-up special at 3 AM.

You can judge the seriousness of any Joel McHale role based on the height of his hair.

Writing this entry, I’ve discovered how annoying it is for a movie to have punctuation in its title. Writing The Informant! in this sentence makes it look like I don’t know that capitalization goes at the beginning of a new sentence.

Since the majority of the movie takes place between 1992 and 1995, and Soderbergh uses specific dates on the screen, I was able to watch this movie and figure out what I was doing in my own life while these events were playing out. “Oh, look at that. The FBI raid happened on June 26, 1995. That was 2 days after my birthday and the day after I graduated high school.” Or… “April 2, 1992? That was the same night I stayed home from a school dance and watched a Return of the Jedi for the 978th time.” Needless to say, I wasn’t that popular in high school, but you know what? I have all my hair, no gut and no child molester moustache, so take that Matt Damon in The Informant!

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At The Theater #14: How to Train Your Dragon 3D

While watching How to Train Your Dragon 3D, I couldn’t help but think that the whole movie was a big metaphor for coming out of the closet. Hiccup, the main protagonist, is not like the other Vikings in his town. He’s not a testosterone fueled muscle-head, which pretty much describes every other man here. He’s shunned by his peers for not being athletic, and his father wishes he wasn’t so different.

After a fierce battle with some dragons, dad leads a Viking horde to hunt the dragons on their home turf and sends his son to dragon-killing school, which if you’re still following my metaphor is the equivalent of one of those camps parents on the religious right send their to kids to purge them of their homosexual tendencies. Hetero-camp, um, I mean dragon-hunting school backfires, as Hiccup realizes that he cannot bring himself to kill any dragons and begins to pacify them in ways he learns from training his secretly kept pet dragon.

Hiccup sneaks off to frolic with his pet dragon every chance he gets. He has to do it in utter secrecy though. If the other Vikings found out that he had befriended a dragon, they would scorn him and kill his new friend. Unfortunately, he is found out, his dragon is locked up and dad wishes he never gave Hiccup his helmet fashioned from Hiccup’s mother’s breastplate. Hey daddy Viking, if you’re so ashamed of your son’s gender identity issues, don’t ask him to wear his mom’s bra on his head and call it a helmet. Just sayin’…

In the end, as can be expected in these stories, Hiccup proves to his dad that his skills as a dragon whisperer are worthwhile when Hiccup and his pet dragon save the day. This is the equivalent of the dad finding out that his son might be gay, but damn, the kid can still play football.

I graduated high school with a guy who looked
a lot like America Ferrera’s character Astrid.
Skirt by Hot Topic.
Boots by Ugg.

Don’t agree with that metaphor? How about this one? How to Train Your Dragon 3D is all about the recent financial crisis. Late in the movie, it’s revealed that the dragons aren’t actually evil, they raid the Vikings’ sheep pens not for themselves, but for a big-bad king-dragon that will eat them if they don’t bring it something else. Big-bad king dragon is your too-big-to-fail bank like AIG or Citi. The other dragons are smaller banks that are trying not to be eaten up by the big boys, and the sheep are the taxpayers dollars needed to prevent big-bad from exploding out of his mountain home and wrecking havoc with the sheep and armor markets. The Vikings are the US taxpayers, left footing the sheep bill for big-bad.

Metaphors aside, the oddest thing about How to Train Your Dragon 3D is that despite being the scariest dragon the Vikings have ever encountered, so dreaded that no Viking has ever seen one and lived to tell the tale, the terrifying Night Fury looks like a Digimon that has been upgraded with the cuteness of Puss N’ Boots from Shrek. Since the next dragon down the fright-o-meter ignites itself on fire when attacking you, I was expecting something a little less cute. But the night fury does fly too fast to see while shooting proton torpedoes out of its mouth, so I can see why the Vikings, with their axes and wooden shields, when faced with a dragon sporting the firepower of a the Millenium Falcon, would be on the scared side.

The Night Fury: so deadly, so cuddly.

I cannot begin to explain how happy I am that this movie was good. After a week of some very bad movies back-to-back, I didn’t think I could take another disappointment. That one-two punch of Remember Me and Greenberg did me in. But How to Train Your Dragon 3D definitely gets a thumbs up and a “go see it” recommendation. I would put it up there with Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs as an all-ages movie that adults will enjoy.

We saw How to Train Your Dragon 3D at Cobble Hill Cinemas. A word of warning to anyone seeing this, or any 3D movie at Cobble Hill: the usual Tuesday/Thursday discount of $6.50/ticket does not apply. I thought they would tack on $3.50 to the discounted price to cover the 3D glasses and bring the total up to $10, but that wasn’t the case. All 3D movies there are $12, now matter what showtime you see. When you consider that a regular movie will run you $12.50 in Manhattan, and a 3D movie $15-$16, Cobble Hill is still a deal. Plus it’s a great, old school theater. I recommend this theater to everyone…unless you talk during a movie, in which case, have fun at Court Street.

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On The Couch #15: Bruno

Wow, this has been a really bad weekend for me and movies. Four days straight of watching movies, and the best of the bunch is Couple Retreat. Couples Retreat! I could not have predicted this going into the weekend. If you check the rankings to the left, you’ll see that the bottom movie on bost lists came from the past four days.

If you judge a comedy based on how much you laugh, then Bruno is definitely a failure. I was shocked, and I mean shocked, by how unfunny the movie was based on how hilarious I thought the Borat movie was the first time I saw it. Is Sacha Baron Cohen resting on his laurels? Did he phone this one in?

Like Borat, the best comedy in this movie comes when Cohen, in his Bruno character, interacts with people who don’t know they’re being put-on. Bruno goes on a daytime talk show with an entirely African-American audience, and plays show-and-tell with the African baby he traded for a limited edition iPod. Bruno interviews Paula Abdul (and in the deleted scenes, Pete Rose and LaToya Jackson) using Mexican gardeners for chairs. He even hosts an anti-gay rally full of rednecks that turns into a man-on-man sex show. But that’s maybe 12 minutes of good content in this hour and 21 minute movie.

One of the few funny scenes in Bruno.

Unfortunately, Cohen goes for more of the shock value comedy that made for a very funny scene in Borat, but largely falls flat here. In the naked wrestling scene in Borat, I thought a lot of the comedy came from the extremely large black rectangle they used to blot out Borat’s penis. Since the movie was “made” by Borat, it came across as the fictional host running wild with his ego. Cohen saw the laughs generated by that scene though and decided to fill Bruno with numerous scenes of male genitalia and the extremes of homosexual sex, some involving Rube Goldberg-like machines. It comes across as filler though, and didn’t generate more than a few laughs from me. It’s very awkward and off-putting to watch a comedy and not hear any laughter.

The Blu-ray is packed with bonus content. There are over 40 minutes of deleted scenes. Some of the scenes are more boring and monotonous than what made it into the movie, but some are funnier than the final package. Why not include both the Pete Rose and LaToya Jackson interviews. Both showed how out of touch celebrities, even minor ones like Jackson can be. Both were more than content with sitting on bent over Mexicans as chairs, with Rose even moving one into position. LaToya Jackson was even willing to eat sushi off the body of naked Mexican gardener; she only balked once Bruno took her brother Michael’s number from her phone.

Another shining spot in the deleted scenes was Bruno’s attempt to bring about peace in the Middle East by talking to representatives from Israel and Palestine. In it, he confuses hummus and Hamas, which I thought was one of the funniest things on the disc, but after watching the hour and 21 minute movie followed by 40 minutes of deleted scenes, maybe my expectations were lowered.

If you liked Borat and you still haven’t seen Bruno, I’m guessing that like me before this weekend, you’re going to ignore any warnings about the low quality of the movie and see it anyway. But really, you’re better off without it. Don’t want to see Borat again? Watch Couples Retreat instead. At least there you’ll get a few more funnier jokes and see Kristen Davis in her underwear.
In Couples Retreat vs. Bruno, Couples Retreat wins.
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At The Theater #13: Greenberg

Dear Noah Baumbach,

In your attempt to create a movie that could be described as Garden State for old people, you succeeded in some respects. Unfortunately, you decided to mimic possibly the worst parts of Garden State in Greenberg.

You got a lot of the surface elements right. Ben Stiller plays Roger Greenberg, a single guy on a bunch of psych meds who isn’t certain of his place in the world, similar to Zach Braff’s character Andrew Largeman in Garden State. Also like Garden State, he meets a girl who changes the way he looks at and interacts with the world. You included an indie-music heavy soundtrack. You even had Roger stand in front of garish wallpaper in one of the early scenes, but without the matching shirt.
Garden State: like Greenberg for young people…and much better too.

What you failed to capture was any of the charm that made fans of Garden State fall in love with that movie. Before, I could never understand why some of my friends hated Garden State so much. But watching your movie, I now have more of an understanding of their opinion. If the charm of Garden State was lost on a viewer, I think his experience would resemble mine while watching Greenberg.

I find it hard to believe that you could be responsible for one of the best movies I have seen this year, The Fantastic Mr. Fox, and one of the worst, Greenberg. The Fantastic Mr. Fox is full of humor and has a great plot, two things lacking in this movie. Some might point out that The Fantastic Mr. Fox was an adaptation, but to I would point out to them that I have enjoyed your original work as well. I thought The Squid and the Whale was a good movie, even though some of my peers labeled it as pretentious crap. I’d point out the great comedic bits, like anything involving Ivan the tennis instructor or eldest son Walt’s lifting of a Pink Floyd song as his own in a school talent contest. But where’s the humor in Greenberg?
If the point of Greenberg was to show just how unglamorous Los Angeles could be, then congratulations, mission accomplished. Also Greenberg succeeded in making me more afraid of being 40 and single and Couples Retreat did of making me afraid of 40 and married. And if it was any way your goal to make a movie that I would like less than Remember Me this year, good try. You weren’t successful on that last one, but I can appreciate attempt.

The blame for me watching and not enjoying your movie does not only fall on your shoulders. I would like to take to task both the Cobble Hill Cinema and the Angelika Film Center for subjecting me to so many multiple viewings of the Greenberg trailer that it seemed almost preordained that I see this movie. Why were they cramming this movie down their audience’s throats?

Sincerely,

Tuesday Night Movies

PS: Garden State had a better soundtrack

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On The Couch #14: Couples Retreat

Couples Retreat was the second movie I saw in a four movies over four days binge. If you asked me at the start if I thought Couples Retreat was going to be the best of the bunch, I would have laughed. But compared to Remember Me, Greenberg and Bruno, Couples Retreat seems like comedic gold.

I don’t want to go overboard with my praise for Couple Retreat. At best, I could sum up the movie as “meh.” It’s the kind of movie that comes on TBS on a random Sunday afternoon and you keep it on because you’ve got no better options and it’s not that bad. Think of it like Milk Money, but with more bikinis.

Looking at the cover, you might think that Couples Retreat is Forgetting Sarah Marshall for old people. Don’t make that mistake. Sure, both take place at gorgeous, tropical locales and both have Kristen Bell, but Forgetting Sarah Marshall is so much funnier. You would probably enjoy watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall a second time instead of watching Couples Retreat.

This picture of Kristen Bell is here mainly to keep frequent commenter Bryan coming back to the blog.

I have to hand it to Kristen Bell. That girl is smart when it comes to getting cast. Sure, this movie isn’t all that great, but as an actress she spent most of her time filming this in Hawaii. I’m surprised her other colleagues from Forgetting Sarah Marshall haven’t come to the same conclusion of “must get cast on all Hawaii shoots.” I’m also surprised Bell didn’t do everything she could to get in on the last season of Lost. “Come on, I’ve got sci-fi experience,” she’d say, “I could be your geologist. You don’t need the Tina Fey look-a-like.” But maybe her time in Heroes has caused her to meet so enough con-freaks to scare here away from anything sci-fi, even if it is filmed in paradise.

The three reasons to watch Couples Retreat.

If you’re a guy and your girlfriend insists on watching Couples Retreat together*, don’t complain too much. You get to watch Kristen Bell, Kristen Davis and Malin Akerman spend most of their time in bikinis. And ladies, you not only get to see a shirtless Jon Favreau, but also a shirtless Faizon Love. Hmm, maybe after reading that last line, your girlfriend won’t insist on watching this movie after all. Fellas, feel free to send me gift cards to movie theaters as tokens of your thanks.

*Note: Watching Couples Retreat wasn’t my girlfriend’s idea.

WARNING: Watching Couples Retreat will result in seeing Faizon Love shirtless!

If you do watch it though, watch the deleted scenes afterwards. Most of the deleted scenes were deleted with good cause and can be skipped, but there’s one that is rather funny and even plays into an unanswered question regarding the plot, namely what happens if the guys ignore the warning about going left on the trail in their quest to get to Eden East. That one deleted scene also more funny homoerotic jokes than all of Bruno.

This Guitar Hero battle is reason #4 to watch Couples Retreat.

On its own, Couples Retreat gets a “You’re not missing anything.” Standing next to everything else I watched from Thursday through Sunday, I’m glad Couples Retreat is the movie someone I know owns instead of any of the others.

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At The Theater #12: Remember Me

In 2008, my first year of 52 movies in 52 weeks, I saw a movie set in New York City’s recent past that I found mind-numbingly slow and focused on a main character that I couldn’t stand. That movie was The Wackness, which I thought was so bad I named it the worst movie of both 2008 and 2009. The baton has been passed. I have a new movie set in New York City’s recent past that I found mind-numbingly slow and focused on a main character that I couldn’t stand. That movie is Remember Me.

The worst thing about Remember Me is that it’s my own fault that I saw it. This movie was punishment for having my girlfriend get a popcorn refill during the first five minutes of Alice in Wonderland. If only I had a time machine, I could have warned me of one month ago to get the popcorn refill himself (myself?). “You’re really not missing anything. The first five minutes are really slow. And you’re going to end up seeing Remember Me.” One-month-ago-me might say “I wouldn’t mind seeing Remember Me; isn’t Claire from Lost in it?” Then I’d compare it to The Wackness and he would sprint to the concession stand.

The three main actors in Remember Me are non-Americans playing Americans with terrible accents. Their accents are so unbelievable than John Cleese’s Taunting French Guard in Monty Python and the Holy Grail would would no longer call his own accent ridiculous. Pierce Brosnan attempts the most over the top Bronx accent imaginable with a hint of Brit coming through.

I’m guessing that Emilie De Ravin, Lost’s “WHERE’S MY BABY???” learned her American accent by watching Christian Bale in Batman Begins and The Dark Knight. I don’t remember her voice being like this when she played an American in 2005’s Brick, but then again she was dead for most of that movie. Here, every time she spoke I kept expecting her to let out a deep throated “Joker! Where’s Rachel?!”

Which makes sense, because Robert Pattinson reminded me of The Joker. With his pale complexion, upturned-strangely smile and acting stayle straight out of The Jimmy Fallon Thespian School, he was like a poor man’s Heath Ledger from the Dark Knight.

Emile De Ravin and Robert Pattinson in Remember Me.

But the strangest accent belongs to an American: Chris Cooper, who plays Emilie De Ravin’s NYPD sergeant father. Someone should have reminded him that he’s already American and probably shouldn’t take accent tips from the foreigners on set. I think he and Pierce Brosnan were both trying to out-Tony-Danza each other. It’s too bad Emilie De Ravin’s character wasn’t named Samantha.

At the Tony Danza Accent School, you will learn to tawk like a real New Yawker!

It’s hard to like a movie when you really don’t like the main character. I thought that Robert Pattison’s Tyler Hawkins was a spoiled asshole right from the start. He uses his patented retarded-vampire stare to woo girls at a bar and then gets into a fight with some drunk idiots and then the police when the cops decide to let everyone go and not arrest the drunk idiots he was fighting. He has Amnesty International posters all over his apartment, which I guess are there to say “this guy is sensitive and cares about the world,” but just say to me “I like to bang sensitive girls.” He hates the rich, and his rich father, but doesn’t seem to mind all that much taking Daddy’s money. Someone’s paying for NYU and that Village apartment and I’m guessing it’s not his paycheck from The Strand.

In one scene, Tyler goes ape shit on a class of second graders who bully his sister. He doesn’t physically assault any of them, but he does throw some desks around and even throws a fire extinguisher through a window. Hey asshole, that teacher and those two girls walking down the hall a little ahead of your outburst? You could have killed them with that fire extinguisher if they were a little slower. This scene was done to show how much he cared for sister and is always there for her. I had to check the end credits to make sure this movie wasn’t written by the guy I went to high school with that constantly threw temper tantrums and had a very similar outburst in my 11th grade English class. This looks like it would be written from the point of view of someone who used to do that on a regular basis and needed to justify it. The guy from my English class looked like the love child between Woody Allen and a hobbit, so it would have brilliantly egotistic casting to have Robert Pattinson play him. Alas, my old schoolmate was not the credited screenwriter.

Tyler’s romance with Emile De Ravin’s Ally spins out of a bet/revenge plot against her NYPD sergeant concocted by Tyler’s roommate Aidan that is straight out The Taming of the Shrew. This aspect of their romance is handily forgotten about until it’s needed again at the act two crisis, where for no reason, Tyler tells this to Ally. Um, why? And “sucky movie” is not a good enough reason.

The coolest thing about this movie? Parts of it were filmed in my neighborhood on Cranberry St, which is one of Brooklyn Heights’s most beautiful streets. Instead of seeing this movie, check out Cranberry St, stroll down the Brooklyn Heights Promenade and grab a bite to eat at nearby Noodle Pudding.

In case you couldn’t figure it out already, I’ll throw it out there right now. I really don’t see the appeal of Robert Pattinson. He’s not a good actor. Is he really that good looking? I seriously don’t see it. Is it just that he plays Edward Cullen in those Twilight movies? Does that give him cart blanche with fans of those books? Is it those giant bushy eyebrows? Is it his retarded-vampire facial expression that he brought from this Twilight to this movie? Is it the giant mess of unkempt hair? Those hauntingly penetrating eyes? That…that…OH ROBERT I LOVE YOU!! EEEEE!!!

I heart you, retarded vampire!
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On The Couch #13: The Men Who Stare at Goats

I couldn’t help but think of Lost while watching The Men Who Stare at Goats. If the Dharma Initiative were run by the US Army, I think the end result would be The New World Army.

The Dharma Army wants you!

Similar to the Dharma Initiative, The New World Army waas the US Army’s foray into psychic warfare. Soldier turned smelly hippie turned smelly hippie soldier Jeff Bridges writes a manual for unlocking the mind’s true potential, a program that consists mainly of yoga, tai chi, and moustache growing. It’s never stated explicitly, but if you have any desire to harness the true potential of your mind, it seems you have to grow a bitchin’ ‘stache.

Don’t be fooled by the hair, his power is in his moustache.

And man, what things the powers unlocked by a bitchin’ ‘stache can do! Kill goats by staring at them for a few hours, make clouds disappear by staring at them and possibly running through walls (though there’s always the risk your ‘stache isn’t bitchin’ enough yet and you just end up with a concussion).

The Lost parallel goes a little further. Half the movie is set in the present day, with Ewan McGregor playing a reporter researching what happened to The New World Army after its disbanding and the other half of the movie taking place in the past, showing Jeff Bridges’ recruitment and development of The New World Army. The main reason that Ewan McGregor is doing this research is because his wife in the movie, played by Rebecca Mader aka Charlotte from Lost, has cheated on him with his one-handed editor, and he feels he needs to prove himself in her eyes to win her back.

If you’re a Star Wars fan, you’ll have plenty to smile about. Besides, Ewan McGregor being in the film, The New World Army soldiers are called Jedi Warriors (because Regan had a thing for Star Wars). The best line in the movie has to be McGregor asking “What’s a Jedi?” Thankfully, in all the talk about psychic potential, there was no mention of midiclorians.

Maybe the Sith never would have won if Obi-Wan had this bitchin’ ‘stache.

A good bit of military intelligence comedy comes in the pitching of the idea to top military brass. The US has to do this, because the Soviets have begun researching the paranormal because they heard a rumor that the US is already doing it. Whether this rumor that the Soviets are actually doing it doesn’t matter, if the Soviets believe the US is conducting this research, then the US must, or else risk falling behind, but quite possibly the Soviets haven’t started this research either.

On another level, the movie is about the question where do old dogs go. The guys in the New World Army are filled with purpose during their recruitment and training in the 1980s, but seem out of place without the backing of a president who regularly saw a psychic for advice. In the present day, they’re wandering around, waiting for a purpose. Is this what getting old is about, regardless of bitchin’ ‘stache status?

Bitchin’ ‘stache K-Pax!

The Men Who Stare at Goats gets three stars on Netflix from me, which translates to I liked it. Before posting this, two friends already told me I was nuts for liking this movie though, so your mileage may vary.

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On The Couch #11 & 12: Justice League: Crisis on Two Earths, Superman/Batman: Public Enemies

It’s time to get my geek on.

Justice League: Crisis on Two Earths is the latest direct-to-DVD animated movie based on existing DC Comics stories. The movie is mainly based on the 2001 graphic novel JLA: Earth 2 by Grant Morrison and Frank Quitely.

Skip the movie, read the comic.

The story centers around Earth-2, which is a world where it’s opposite day every day! People’s hearts on the right side of their body, Superman is the evil Ultraman and Batman is the evil Owlman. I’m not sure why an owl is the opposite of a bat. Maybe because owls can see really well and bats are blind? Ultraman and Owlman team-up with other mirror-mirror versions of the Justice League in the Crime Syndicate, who are like a super-powered Sopranos. Evil Superman even speaks with a Jersey accent.

Look at Evil Superman’s eyes. He’s totaly checking out Evil Wonder Woman’s rack! Evil jerk!
On Earth 2, the only hero left is Lex Luthor. “What?!? Lex Luthor is a hero?” you ask. Apparently male pattern baldness isn’t caused by wickedness though, as good Lex Luthor is just as bald as evil Lex Luthor. I wish they gave him the red-headed afro that other-alternate reality Alexander Luthor sported in the 1980’s comic Crisis on Infinite Earths.
Considering this alternative, maybe going bald isn’t such a bad thing.

Lex Luthor is voiced by Chris Noth a.k.a. Mr. Big from Sex in the City. I think this casting decision was to make it easier for guys to get their girlfriends to agree to watch this. Yeah…no dice. If there is any guy out there who successfully convinces his girlfriend to watch this movie based solely on Chris Noth’s appearance, I want to hear from you.

“Hey ladies, I’m in a Superman cartoon. Want to watch it? No? What do you mean no?”

It was weird to hear the voices of Superman, Batman and Lex Luthor in this movie. Since the Batman and Superman cartoons from the 90’s and later the Justice League cartoon from the last decade, I’ve associated these characters with the voices of Tim Daly, Kevin Conroy and Clancy Brown. With Lex Luthor being on the side of good, the casting of Chris Noth over Clancy Brown makes sense. I don’t think Clancy Brown can say anything as Lex Luthor without it sounding like he wants to kill someone.

The Blu-ray is packed with special features. There’s an in-depth preview of Batman: Under the Hood, which is due out this summer. If it lives up to the hype set-up in this preview, it looks like it will be a much better movie than Justice League: Crisis on Two Earths. Also included on the disc are four episodes of the Cartoon Network’s Justice League cartoon that deal with alternate realities. If you watched the show when it was originally on, you’ve probably seen these already.

There’s a Spectre short with cool modern animation that is made to look like an old movie. The story is a murder-mystery and if you’ve ever been to a murder-mystery party, you’ll probably figure out the main killer early on. The highlight of the short is watching the Spectre pass final judgement on the criminals in ways that are as inventive as they are gruesome.

Depending on your point of view, the most or least special of the special features is the live action pilot of the 2006 WB Aquaman TV show. Before watching it, you might think it’s the most special of the special features, but after watching it, you’ll quickly realize why this series didn’t get picked up. It’s a complete mess that’s on par quality-wise in regards to story and special effects with a made-for-TV Sci-Fi channel movie. Sorry, I mean SyFy channel. Actually this pilot is about the same quality as Sci-Fi’s name change to SyFy.

Oh, Lou Diamond Phillips, how far you’ve fallen.

I’m giving Justice League: Crisis on Two Earths two stars on Netflix. The animation was nice and the set-up was good, but the story seemed to fall apart as it went on. It was cool to see evil versions of the Superfriends, but Owlman’s main reason for coming unhinged and wanting to destroy all reality seemed a bit off. And I’m pretty sure that good Batman was responsible for killing two people at the end to save the day, which seemed very off. Really, I should give it one star, just for tricking me into watching that terrible Aquaman pilot.

Superman/Batman: Public Enemies was equally disappointing, if not more so. Like Justice League: Crisis on Two Earths, Superman/Batman: Public Enemies is adapted off a comic book storyline from a few years ago that I was fan of when I first read it.

The animation is based off of the Public Enemies comic artist Ed McGuinness’s art, but they change it for the worse in the animated movie. They use McGuinness’s way of drawing bodies, but faces, especially Superman’s, are given the manga treatment. Superman’s eyes are just too big here and his face is way too boyish. He doesn’t look tough or intimidating at all, but instead looks like a 14-year old on steroids.

Supermanga

I’m beginning to learn a lesson with these DC animated titles. Skip the main movie and go straight to the special features. They’re much more enjoyable.