Some ground rules for those of you new to these recaps. I started recapping back in season 4. Back then, I hadn’t yet read the books and after three seasons of binging DVDs, I still couldn’t remember most everyone’s names, so I gave them nicknames. Can you blame me? Half the men in the North are white guys with black hair and beards. We’re now in season 7, I’ve read all the books, but the nicknames have stuck. I hope you don’t mind.

Westeros’s favorite boy band is marching north. Tormund calls Winterfell the south.Tormund is hilarious. He is stealing the Best Line title away from Bronn in this scene. When Gendry asks him how he keeps warm, he replies, “Walking’s good. Fighting’s better. Fucking’s best.” When it’s pointed out that there isn’t a woman within 100 miles of here, he coyly replies, “We’ll have to do with what we’ve got.” I LOVE TORMUND.

Gendry doesn’t appreciate being sold to Smokey Vajayjay by the Brotherhood. The Hound points out that Gendry didn’t die, so what’s he whinging about. I have no idea how to spell whinging, but it basically means whining.

Lots of good lines here. Jon tells Jorah he’s glad Ned Stark never caught him. Jorah smoothly replies, “Me too.”Jon gives Longclaw to Jorah. Jon’s the best. Jorah gives it back. Guys, one of you please keep that sword. It’s valyrian steel and you’re headed to the White Walkers.

Arya is casting shade on Sansa. She reads Sansa’s letter to Robb from when Sansa asked Robb to come to King’s Landing and bend the knee. Arya is basically calling Sansa Fredo. Sansa wants to know what Arya’s going to do with the letter. This isn’t going to end well.

Arya’s one arrow that she had to keep picking up and carry back her firing point story sounds like she’s telling Sansa her planned commencement address when she speaks to this year’s grads at Winterfell U.

Back to the North Boys. North Boyz? North Boyz. The Hound and Tormund are talking. Well, Tormund is talking and the Hound is doing everything he can to get out of the conversation, but it only eggs Tormund on further. Whoever wrote this episode loves Tormund. Tormund is like Drax from Guardians of the Galaxy.  No subtlety. It’s great. And he gets another best line candidate when the Hound asks how a mad fucker like him has lived this long. Tormund’s reply: “I’m good at killing people”

Beric starts up a conversation with Jon.”You don’t look much like him, your father” Yeah, duh, because Ned isn’t his dad. The funny thing is that Catlyn always thought Jon did look like Ned. It was all she saw. But maybe that was her pain talking. Beric is a dumb name. I’m going back to calling him One Eye. When Jon quote the Night’s Watch creed of being shields defending the realms of men, One Eyes says, “Maybe that’s enough.” Maybe That’s Enough should be the title of North Boyz’s first single.

Dany tells Tyrion that she likes him because he’s not a hero. You’ve got a real way with words there, Dany. When Tyrion asks her to name some heroes, Dany only names people who are in love with her. Tyrion is quick to point that out. After Tyrion teases her about Jon, he second guesses her decision for killing the Tarleys again. Then he wants to know who gets the Iron Throne in case Dany dies. This isn’t going well with his boss. Boy, Tyrion just keeps getting poor performance reviews.

Back to the North Boyz. It is snowing! Who’s walking ahead? Why would anyone walk that far ahead? Dude’s like 20 feet ahead of everyone.  Tormund spots a bear in the distance. Apparently, the lead guy doesn’t because he keeps walking after everyone stops. Gendry asks if bears have blue eyes. How the hell did Gendry see the color of the bear’s eyes in the snow at that distance? Welp, lead guy went down fast. He became a meal for the zombie bear. Who was that guy, anyway? North Boyz brought some extras. Should we call those guys the opening act? One Eye and Thoros light their swords on fire. Fire swords at the ready! If you’ve got metal swords that can ignite, why would you ever not have them ignited? Cue the angry fan boys in the comments with why I’m idiot and their swords igniting is a trick and I’m not a real fan and yadda yadda yadda.

After slicing into the zombie bear with fire swords, do you know what you get? Flaming zombie bear! Way to make the zombie bear scarier, Thoros and One Eye! Flaming zombie bear charges the Hound. The Hound freezes up. Thoros pushes him out of the way and gets a nasty flaming zombie bear bite as a reward. Tormund tries saving Thoros but is knocked back. Jorah charges in and stabs the flaming zombie bear with a dagger. Jorah’s arm catches fire. Arm on fire? No problem for Friendzone! Damn Jorah, why aren’t you this badass when Dany is watching?

Thoros is hurting. Jorash says to get him back to Eastwatch. Thoros won’t go. He just guzzles some wine or mead. One Eye cauterizes his wound and they keep moving.

Littlefinger and Sansa are meeting. Sansa is worried about Arya and that letter. Littlefinger has “no idea” how Arya got the letter. Wink. Wink. “No idea” “at all.” Nudge. Nudge. Sansa is worried that Arya will turn Jon’s army against her. Look at Littlefinger worming his way back in Sansa’s life. This fucking guy.

Oh damn. The North Boyz spot the dead army, who are marching single files. That’s quite the orderly formation, dead army. This really is like the worst plan ever. How do you cherry pick one zombie off that line without every other zombie coming after you?

A White Walker comes upon their fire. C’mon guys… Oh wait, ha, it’s a trap. Time to rumble! Jon slices through the White Walker and all the zombies go down with him. Whoa! They’re like vampires. Kill the vampires who made the made some vampires and they die too…depending on which vampire book you’re reading. (Cue the angry Anne Rice fans telling us “Well, here’s how vampires really are…”) Correction. All the zombies go down except one. They try to corral him. Tormund cold cocks him and the Hound jumps on him. The zombie screams like my toddler does when she wants milk. Jon’s like “Uh-oh, who heard that?” Hurry up and hogtie him cause there’s more where that came from! Jon’s tells Genrdry to run, get to Eastwatch and send a raven to Dany. Go! Tormund takes his hammer. “You’re faster without it.” Good point. Plus, it is a bitchin’ warhammer. They all run from the horde. Uh oh. The frozen lake is cracking. Uh oh. It’s all frozen lake in every direction. Oh hey, an undead horde is behind them! Hmm cracks or zombies? Run! Run! Run! Run. Damn, zombies are fast! Zombies are overtaking the North Boyz and flanking them. The Boyz get surrounded fast.  Someone falls back. Who? Damn this is stressful. And now they’re surrounded. The ice cracks all around them. Zombies pour into the water like lemmings. The zombies realize going under isn’t the best plan and stop at the crack. Um…The zombies are like 10 deep now in every direction. Oh, they fucked.

Meanwhile, Gendry runs. Hopefully no one is behind him. Or in front of him. Gotta work on that cardio Gendry.

The Boyz are waiting it out. This isn’t looking good.

Gendry passes out practically at the door of Eastwatch! What the hell? Get up, Gendry!!!!  Dude, you’re lik e 30 feet for the finish line. Davos runs out to him. Gendry says, “We need to send a raven.”

Jon and the Boyz are still waiting it out with their newest member, Growly. Hound kicks Growly. All the rest of the undead murmur. Interesting. It’s like The Walking Dead meet Tomax and Xamot. Thoros is dead. Uh, they gotta chop off his head or burn him. Hound takes his wine and starts swigging. Guys, he’s about to become a zombie. Jon finally says they have to burn his body and takes the wine from the Hound.

One Eye does his sword on fire trick and they burn Thoros. Man, that trick always looks cool. Jorah tells Jon that they’ll all freeze soon, and so will the water. He says this as he walks away from campfire Thoros. Jorah wants to go for the Walkers to kill the zombies. One Eye is like let’s just kill the Night King. Sure, that’s easy. Super easy.

Sansa gets an invitation to King’s Landing. She’s not a dope, so she’s not going. Sansa is sending Brienne instead. I’m suddenly torn between my shipping of Brienne and Tormund, and my shipping of Brienne and Jaime. Brienne says it’s not safe to leave Sansa with Littlefinger. Why is Sansa insisting on sending her away? Is it because she’s worried Brienne will take out Arya if Arya tries something?

Dany, Tyrion and the dragons. Dany’s about to fly off to save Jon. Because love. Tyrion doesn’t want her to go. It’s too risky. Bee tee dubs, cool White Walker jacket, Dany. Side note: it’s weird seeing someone not dressed in black this season. Dany’s flying with all three dragons. Oh boy. Dragon express!

…And more waiting up north. Have all of the opening act died yet? The Hound is bored. He starts a snowball fights with the zombie. They don’t play along. The next rock he throws falls short. It doesn’t break the ice.Uh oh. The zombies notice that too. One starts walking forward. Then another. And another.  Additional side note: flaming swords are cool. Did I mention that five times already? Possibly. The battle begins and I am stressed. Stressed!

The Hound throws down his giant hammer to start hitting zombies with a small ax instead. Sounds like a solid plan there.

Tormund is being overrun like he’s in the Opening Act and not the North Boyz proper. John calls for everyone to fall back. No, no letting Tormund die! Tormund is being piled on by zombies. They’re crawling up through the ice and start dragging him down. The Hound saves him! Oh man, that was intense! The dead keep charging. Another extra dies and welp, he’s a zombie. Jon is pissed. This is quickly looking like the Alamo. Westeros’s favorite boy band fights in slo mo, because SLO MO IS COOL.

Dragon time! Oh yeah, get you a girl who does both! Zombies hit the water as the ice melts. There are so many zombies that the dragons are breathing a lot of fire and still not getting them all. Dany reaches for Jon, but Jon tries to save everyone else. He fights off the zombies while everyone climbs up on Drogon’s back. A White Walker hands the Night King an ice lance. He just straight walks up nonchalantly to the heroes from the sid, throws the ice lance and OH SHIT, DEAD DRAGON!! Oh fuck! Oh damn! Does that mean…zombie dragon?  The dragon falls under the ice. Everyone is shocked.

Jon and the Night King stare each other down. The White Walker at the Night King’s side prepares another lance. Jon yells, “Go now! Leave” and fights off the zombies approaching Dany and company. Dany doesn’t want to leave. But she can’t lose another dragon. Jon’s tackled through the ice and under the water. Drogon takes off. The Night King narrowly misses this throw. Jorah falls off Drogon’s back, but is caught by Tormund. Nice to see he’s put the whole hating Jorah’s dad thing behind him.

Dany’s still in shock. Totally understandable. She just lost one of her kids. And one of her keys to winning back the Seven Kingdoms. Looks like fans can stop theorizing who is going to be riding the third dragon. Too soon?

Jon climbs out of the freezing water. Thankfully, Longclaw is still on the ice and not sunk at the bottom of this frozen lake. Also thankfully, the horde of zombies and their bosses have all started to depart. But then they notice him. Uh-oh. Jon’s in no condition to fight. Not like that will stop him. He’s half frozen and can barely lift his sword. But he stands his ground. All of a sudden, a rider with a flaming mace cuts through the zombies. It’s Uncle Benjen! He throws Jon on his horse and tells him to ride for the pass. Jon tells him to come with him, but Benjen says there’s no time. This is Benjen’s last stand. He’s quickly overtaken, but provides enough of a distraction for Jon to get away. Jon rides home near dead.

The rest of the North Boyz throw the captured zombie in a boat. The Hound is taking the zombie alone, it seems. Dany is watching her three two dragons from up high at Eastwatch. Jorah says it’s time to go. Dany wants to wait a bit longer. Then a horn blares. A rider is approaching! It’s Jon! Oh, Dany was looking for any signs of Jon when she was looking out from that tower. Where’s Ed Sheeran when you need him? Cue the acoustic guitar, Ser Teddy. Dany keeps vigil over a passed out Jon Snow.

Down south in Winterfell, Sansa snoops around Arya’s room. She finds Arya’s faces. Arya catches her. Hey Arya, that dead-eyed, monotone composure? Not the best way for talking to people who are already stressed out with you. Arya wants to play the Game of Faces with Sansa, meaning Arya wants to hit Sansa with a stick. Damn girls, you’re being played by Littlefinger! Arya explains the faces to Sansa and sounds 100% looney tunes while she’s doing it. She grabs a knife and says that she can even become Sansa. She’s really channeling Nic Cage’s “I want to take his face…off” speech from Face Off here. She flips the knife, gives it to Sansa by the handle and stalks off.

Jon wakes up to Dany standing over him. She’s back in black. Jon apologizes. He’s the reason one of her children is dead. Dany isn’t sorry. She needed to see the army of the dead, the White Walkers and the Night King to believe. Dany pledges that they’ll destroy the Night King and his army together. Jon thanks her, and calls her Dany. Apparently no one has called her Dany on this show since her brother and things didn’t end well for him. Yikes. No one show her this blog.

Jon calls Dany Danearys his queen. He’d bend the knee, but he’s not in the best shape right now. Dany is holding his hand during this. They both notice and it’s slightly awkward. Just kiss already, you fools!

The Night King’s army reenact the opening scene of the Les Miserables movie and use giant, heavy chains to pull out the dragon from the icy depths! The Night King touches the dragon on its head. The dragon blinks its eyes open and they turn icy blue. Zombie Dragon! AHHHHHH! To quote Bronn at the beginning of the last episode, “We’re fucked.”