Are you excited for Season 4 of Game of Thrones? Hell yeah, me too! Here’s my recap of Season 4, episode 1. I have a hard time keeping track of everyone’s name on the show, and I don’t want to Google people’s names and risk seeing spoilers, so bear with me and my use of nicknames. I haven’t read the books, so I’ll only be talking about what’s on the show. If you have read the books, please be cool and don’t spoil future events in the show.

There are plenty of SPOILERS in this recap of episode 1 of season 4 of Game of Thrones. If you’d like to go in fresh, I HIGHLY RECOMMEND not reading past the photo below of Emma Watson sitting on the Iron Throne.

Seriously! No further than this photo! Come back after you’ve seen the episode!

We’ll still be here.

The show opens with Tywin Lanister overseeing the melting down of Robb Stark’s sword. It’s so big that he makes two, one for him and one for Jamie.

The wildlings meet up with more wildlings. Is wildling something you capitalize, like Americans or New Yorkers? Just wondering.  It’s pointed out by head Wildling (that just looks weird. I’m going back to not capitalizing) Redbeard that John Snow’s red-headed girlfriend could shoot a rabbit through the eye from far away. She hit John Snow with three arrows. He hints that if  he’s still alive, she won’t be for long. Wildlings from the south join up. The head wildling from the south has a whose-dick-is-bigger contest with Redbeard from the north. I think it ended in a tie. I didn’t catch the head wildling from the south’s name, but his face has big scars on it, so I’m calling him White Omar. “White Omar comin’.”

Jaime gets fitted with Beyonce’s C3P0 hand from Single Ladies. He’s not happy. He kind of looks like the guy with the metal hand from He-Man. Not Fisto, the Asian guy from He-Man who had that gold karate chop hand. 

His name is Jitsu.

Cersei gets all “You’ve been gone so long, it turns out I don’t need you” on Jaime, who just wants to get some hump time on his sister. Cold hearted, sis. Cold hearted.

It gets worse for Jaime when he has to meet with his son-nephew, King Joffrey. Joffrey, always the worst, belittles Jaime and wonders how a one-handed head guard will keep him safe. The look on Jamie’s face says he’s wondering why he wants to stay with his son-nephew and sister-babymomma.

Khalessi is marching her army closer to King’s Landing. One of the unsullied and Smarmy-McBearderson are having a contest to see who can hold their sword up longest. It’s not as dirty as it sounds. Winner gets to ride next to Khaleesi. Regardless, Khaleesi is unimpressed and tells them both to ride behind the army. Smarmy-McBearderson gets back in her favor by giving her a blue rose, some Catan-esque wheat and a pretty yet poisonous red flower. Classic Smarmy McBearderson. Dude is the FTD of Westeros. I might start calling him Smarmy-McPantydropper. This scene did make me bummed for Friend Zone. Always in the friend zone, that Friend Zone.

Brynn meets with Joffrey’s future wife, Princess Low Cut,  and her grandmother, The Flying Nun. The Flying Nun is way impressed by Brynn. Brynn fills in Princess Low Cut about the shade that killed Renly and how it looked like Sourpuss, I mean Stannis,  Baratheon. How is that I remember Renly’s name, but not his hot widow’s?

Tyrion is living in Game of Thrones – The Sitcom. First he has to greet an incoming prince, who doesn’t show, but sent his younger brother, Inigo Montoya, in his place. Tyrion finds him in Littlefinger’s brothel about to get his 4-way on. During their conversation, you really get the impression that Inigo Montoya hates Lannisters, like “You killed my father. Prepare to die.” level hatred. But he does offer Tyrion and Best-Line Bronn spots in his gang-bang.   Bronn seems ready to party, but Tyrion turns him down. Best-Line Bronn once again gets the best lines in the show, but what else would you expect?  Later, Tyrion has to deal with Sansa, his forced wife. Sansa is depressed. Tyrion tries talking Sansa out of her funk. Seeing Tyrion talking to Sansa gets his lover, Shay, pissed. The Tyrion sitcom continues. He’s just trying to keep his wife from killing herself and his lover happy. He’s doing a so-so job at both.

Brynn and Jaime watch Sansa from above while she’s sitting alone. Brynn makes Jamie promise to keep Sansa safe. Jaime’s all like “Do I have to?” and Brynn’s all like, “Um yeah.” Jaime says ‘Okay”. Things get creepy when someone is following Sansa. But it turns out to be a guy Sansa saved from beheading, who gives her a necklace. I wonder if we’ll see him again.

Arya and The Hound are still on their horseback ride through the country that began last season. The Hound wants to sell Arya to her aunt. They come across the king’s men who took Arya’s sword Needle and killed her friend. The Hound makes fun of the name Needle and sword names in general. Hound: “What’s with people naming their swords? I mean, who are these people?” Arya wants her sword back. The Hound wants some food. Arya’s sword thief gets uppity with The Hound, which never seems like a good idea. Sword Thief and his men quickly die. Arya kills him last with her retrieved Needle while saying his own lines back at him from when he took Needle.

The episode ends with scenes from this coming season on Game of Thrones, which looks awesome!

NEXT: Game of Thrones – S4E2 – The Lion and the Rose – Recap