Tag Archives: Hit-Girl

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On The Couch #17: Raising Arizona

If this week has taught me anything, it’s that Nicolas Cage isn’t the best father-figure out there. The question isn’t if he’s a bad movie-father (he’s not); it’s in which movie is he a worse father, as Kick-Ass’s Big Daddy or Raising Arizona’s H.I. “Call me Hi” McDunnough?

Round 1: In the Beginning…

Let’s start out with his past life. In both Kick-Ass and Raising Arizona, Nic Cage plays a former inmate. Kick Ass’s Damon Macready, the man who will one day become Big Daddy, was an honest cop set-up by a dirty cop on bogus drug charges and gets sent to maximum security prison.

In Raising Arizona, Hi McDunnough is in and out of jail constantly for smaller crimes, but they are crimes he actually committed, so we’ll have to give him the point.

Someone skipped career day. 

Winner*: Hi McDunnough!
*Winning in these categories isn’t a good thing.

Round 2: Looks

Hi McDunnough – creepy moustache, weird haircut.

I call it Wolverine-chic.

Big Daddy – creepy moustache, cosplay outfit.

 
 “Okay, honey. Time for daddy to teach you about eyeliner.”

Winner: Tie!

Round 3: Parenting Style

Big Daddy is very hands on. He makes his daughter memorize details about weapons and shoots her while she’s wearing a bullet-proof vest, because when you’re training your daughter to become a deadly avenger of the night, preparation is everything.

Hi is the opposite. Call him too laid back, but you have to give him credit in that he never fires live rounds at Nathan Jr.

Leaving the baby in the middle of a highway might cost you a point.

Winner: Big Daddy!

Round 4: Known Associates

On Big Daddy’s side, you have Kick-Ass, who is about as useful as the Hi’s pals the Snoats brothers, but with worse hair. Then there’s Red Mist, who also like the Snoats brothers can’t be trusted. Big Daddy has a cop in his corner, his former partner who attempts to double as his conscious. Unlike Hi, Big Daddy has Hit-Girl in his corner, who has to be the baddest-ass middle school kid outside of my favorite Japanese novel Battle Royale.

This book is awesome. Just skip the movie version; it’s crap. 

On Hi’s side, you have Ed McDunnough, Hi’s wife. She’s a former cop, that’s a plus. And then you have his two jailhouse buddies, Gale and Evelle Snoats. If you were to judge a man based on the rockabillyness of his hair, then Gale would be considered a titan. But really, these guys are so bumbling, they make Hi look highly educated. And they can’t be trusted. But their double-cross doesn’t lead to Hi’s demise, so…

Winner: Big Daddy!

Round 5: Enemies

A man’s enemy can put his family in danger. Just ask Hit-Girl as she was being shot through an open window. Big Daddy is taking on the mafia. As far as NY crime goes, that’s about as big as it gets. He also has to contend with double-crossing heroes and people constantly telling him that he ripped off his look from Batman.

Seriously man, you owe Batman some royalties.

Hi McDunnough has the law to contend with, but the law in his locale shoots as straight as a Cobra trooper. But hot on his heels is The Lone Biker of the Apocalypse. He looks like an extra from Mad Max, bleeds fire, and is armed to the teeth. He even wears a pair of ashen baby sneakers on his chest like a trophy. The guy is hardcore. I would prefer to go up against the combined organized crime families of Kick-Ass, The Sopranos and The Simpsons before facing The Lone Biker of The Apocalypse.

While it looks badass, it turns out strapping grenades to yourself isn’t the best idea.

Winner: H.I. McDunnough!

Round 6: The Kids are Alright

In the end, the best way to judge someone’s parenting skills? Check out the kids. Nathan Jr. goes on to be a star football player in school and gets into college. Hit-Girl ends up attending middle school with Kick-Ass as a normal girl, though one who doesn’t take any crap from bullies. Both kids seem reasonably well-rounded. Sure, Hit-Girl is going to have some very costly therapy sessions later in life, but with parents like the Arizonas, the same could be said for Nathan Jr.

Catholic school is a lot tougher than it was in my day.

What’s really interesting is that in both cases, Nic Cage gives up his parenting duties. I think even he knows he’s a bad father. Hi McDunnough returns Nathan Jr. to the Arizona family and Big Daddy also relinquishes his parenting duties, though not by his own choice. In the end, the result is the same: No Nic Cage = well adjusted child.

Winner: Tie!

Tallying that all up, we have 4 points for Hi McDunnough and 4 points for Big Daddy.

It looks like we have a tie! That’s right, if you’re in a movie where Nic Cage is your father, run and don’t look back, because chances are, you’re not going to have a good childhood. Especially if he has a creepy moustache.

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At The Theater #15: KIck-Ass

Leaving the 34th Street AMC Theater after watching Kick-Ass, I couldn’t help but think “Ugh, that was way too much popcorn.”

Before the movie, I bought a large popcorn to split with Julie and Bryan, and put in on the ground in front of my seat as I got situated. Unfortunately, someone sat down in the seat in front of me and leaned back, sending my popcorn flying. Picking up the bag, I saw that about a quarter of the bag’s contents were now in a nice pile between my legs. This is all before I took a piece of popcorn out of the bag.

I went back to the concession counter, explained what happened and asked the guy if he wouldn’t mind topping me off. He said sure, and while refilling the bag, realized it was a large and told me that there are free refills on large popcorns. Still, it was nice that initially he was refilling the bag out of kindness than out of policy-awareness, so I’m giving the concession staff at this AMC a big A+.

The free refill policy would prove to be my undoing.

By the time we hit the Iron Man preview, half our popcorn was gone, and not to the floor this time. I turned to Bryan and Julie and asked if I should get a refill before the movie started. They didn’t answer, so I asked again. Julie pointed out that if I have to ask more than once if we should refill the popcorn, clearly I want more popcorn. Point taken. I ran out for a refill.

As I was walking to the concession stand, I took fistfuls of popcorn in my mouth. Hey, if they’re going to refill it to the top, then I’m just leaving popcorn in the bin if I don’t do this, right?

The concession guy filled me back up quickly and I made it back inside the theater, only missing half of the Iron Man preview, which I’ve already seen many, many times in the past few weeks.

About a third of the way through Kick-Ass, our Sprite was running low and Julie decided to get a refill. The popcorn was about half full, so I asked her to refill that as well. Hey, if she’s going out there anyway, right?

At the 1:10 mark, my stomach said “Please, I beg you, no more popcorn.” I complied. Looking at the bag, there was about half a bag left. I think that both times we refilled, there was about a third to half a bag remaining. That’s a lot of popcorn not in the bag. It seemed fitting that I had a mound of popcorn under my feet, because at this point, I felt like I was all popcorn.

Take heed of my tale of woe and be wary of the free refill policy at AMC.

My paper bag downfall.

“Um, that’s great, but I’m here to read about Kick-Ass.” Right. Sorry about that.

At the start of Kick-Ass, Dave Lizewski, the boy who would be Kick-Ass, asks why out of all the comic book fans out there, how come no one decided to start running around in a costume fighting crime. After getting stabbed and run over on his first mission as Kick-Ass, he seemed to answer his own question. The beginning of the movies is a warning to fanboys: Unless you find yourself bitten by a radioactive spider or discover that your parents were from a far off, doomed planet, leave the crime-fighting to the cops, especially if you’re underweight and have no fighting skills to speak of.

While the violence starts out pretty realistic as first (underweight crime fighter with no fighting skills is quickly sent to the hospital), it gets more and more over the top as the movie goes on. They’re pretty slick about it though. I didn’t notice how ridiculous things had gotten until towards the end, when Hit-Girl runs down a hallway, firing her handguns until they’re empty, pops the cartridges, tosses two new ones in the air, catches them inside the guns and keeps firing.

I wonder what goes through your mind as a tween beats the crap out of you.

If they make a Kick-Ass sequel, they should let Kick-Ass retire to the countryside and focus solely on Hit-Girl. Hit-Girl is awesome to the same extent that Kick-Ass is annoying. Anytime she came on screen, the audience in my not so packed theater howled. But what else would you expect when an 11-year old dressed like Robin calls someone a cunt before eviscerating him.

Kick-Ass 2 Hit-Girl: The Movie

I’m putting it out there right now; you will see at least one Hit-Girl at whatever Halloween party you find yourself at this year. It’s going to be this year’s Heath Ledger as The Joker.

Speaking of The Joker, towards the end, Christopher Mintz-Plasse’s character, Red Mist, says “Wait ‘til they get a load of me,” and I thought “How many lines are they going to steal from Batman?” until I realized that is was Bryan who said “Where does he get those wonderful toys?” and not someone onscreen.

I enjoyed Kick-Ass and think you should see it if you like movies based on comic books (in which case you’ve probably already seen it), the action scenes in films by Robert Rodriguez, or movies about fathers with creepy moustaches and the daughters who kill for them.

I don’t know what’s scarier, the wall of guns or the moustache.