Tag Archives: Helen Mirren

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At The Theater #34: Red

I caught Red at a near-empty City Cinemas theater on 1st Ave and 60 St. There was me, the guy who walked in a minute before me, the guy who walked in a minute after me and a set of five grandmothers. I’m still trying to figure out what was up with those five grandmothers? Would they see anything with Helen Mirren or Morgan Freeman in it or were they just adrenaline junkies looking for a morning fix?

Even without the grandmothers, I was surprised the theater was this crowded. Not because Red is bad, in fact I liked it a lot, but because the screening was at 11:30 AM on a Monday. I thought there would be a good chance I’d be having a screening of one. Still, with only 7 people in the entire theater, I was able to spread out nicely and enjoy the movie.

Red is an action-comedy. What makes it work is that the comedy doesn’t come at the expense of the action. The action isn’t over-the-top slapstick, which works very well in other movies, but wouldn’t work here. The tone of Red is very similar to that of NBC’s Chuck, but without the dork-humor.

The scene where assassins descend on Bruce Willis’s suburban home was awesome. When that scene ended and his house is riddled with thousands of bullets, all I could think about were his neighbors, who all must be freaking out. Those killers weren’t exactly quiet in any sense of the word. And even if you sleep like a log, what would your reaction be to finding all those bullet casings in your cul-de-sac in the morning?

Also, can someone please explain to me how Willis got from the kitchen to behind the assassins in the hallway? I don’t remember seeing any second doorway. Did I miss something? I’d like to know in case a team of trained killers descends on my home. I’ll walk into the kitchen all confident thinking “You fools didn’t know I saw Red,” but then realize I have no idea how to get from the kitchen to back behind them.

The story of Red is nothing special. Anyone who has seen an action movie is probably familiar with the ex-CIA-agent-is-deemed-too-dangerous-to-live plot, but the movie is very entertaining. The dialogue is great, as is the cast. There were plenty of scenes that had me laughing loudly in the near-empty theater.

You have to really give it up for Helen Mirren. The very attractive Mary-Louise Parker is in Red, but you kind of forget about her when Mirren shows up. I hope I’m as sexy as Helen Mirren is when I’m her age. Actually, I wish I were as sexy as she is at my current age.

She’s 65.

If I had any problems with the movie, it was the very last scene. The surviving members of the crew are driving off into the sunset, making plans for the future when Bruce Willis and Mary-Louise Parker start going at it like their trying to channel their inner Tom Cruise and Kelly McGillis (link to Top Gun). Look, I’m no prude, but they weren’t even alone in the back seat. John Malkovich had to awkwardly sit there next to them. And they were in the middle of a conversation with everyone else in the car when they started going at it like two teenagers in the back of a Pontiac. Hey Bruce, come up for air! Brian Cox is asking you a question!

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Why I Couldn’t Watch Precious: Based on the Novel Push by Sapphire

I couldn’t do it. I tried, trust me I tried, but I just couldn’t watch Precious: Based on the Novel Push by Sapphire. I have already heard one “Why? How could you not watch it?” since sending it back to Netflix, so allow me to explain with my four main reasons for not watching Precious: Based on the Novel Push by Sapphire.

The Title: There’s something a little off regarding the title of the movie. The film’s name isn’t Precious. It’s Precious: Based on the Novel Push by Sapphire. Look, I get it. You want to drive up your book sales and maybe you think that your audience is made up of a bunch of mouth-breathers who won’t be able to figure out why they can’t find this book named Precious. I imagine the following scene happening at a book table along Brooklyn’s Fulton Mall:

Customer: “I’m looking for Precious by Sapphire.”
Sidewalk Book Dealer: “Here you go.”
He points to a copy of Push.
Customer: “No, idiot. You know, the book about the fat girl that’s abused by her mom and raped by her dad. They made it into a movie.”
Sidewalk Book Dealer: “I think you mean Push.”
The Customer shoots him an angry look.
Customer: “Man, what kind of scam are you trying to pull? I said Precious, not Push.”
Sidewalk Book Dealer: “Perhaps I can interest you in one of these books by Z.”

Do we really need this obnoxiously long title? Precious: Based on the Novel Push by Sapphire isn’t the only film that was originally a book to have its name changed. The Ghost Writer was based on a book called The Ghost, but it’s producers didn’t feel they had to name it The Ghost Writer: Based on the Novel The Ghost by Robert Harris; No, Now You’re Thinking of the Patrick Swayze movie; No, Not the Marvel Comic Book with the Guy Riding a Motorcycle While His Head is on Fire, That Was Ghost Rider – No, No Say It With Me – Writer, Not Rider.

Perhaps the producers thought the extra long title made the movie sound more high-brow. “Look,” they said, “Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King is a huge title and that won an Oscar. We should get in on this.” Precious: Based on the Novel Push by Sapphire did receive a best picture nomination, so who am I to argue with results?

The Oscar Factor: Me, the week before the Oscars: “I need to see all the best picture nominations!” Me, the week after the Oscars: “Meh.” It’s amazing how quickly interest in Oscar nominated movies can drop off. We’re talking about a speed faster than the drop off in interest I had for ABC’s Flash Forward. That’s fast.

The Mariah: Little known fact: Mariah Carey’s role in Precious: Based on the Novel Push by Sapphire was originally supposed to be played by AARP sex-kitten Helen Mirren, who had to back out at the last minute to do another movie. This worked out great for Mariah Carey. Her performance in this movie has been hailed by critics as one of the main reasons people need to see this movie. One problem: I really don’t care about Mariah Carey. Now I didn’t say I don’t care for her, no I just don’t care about her. My Mariah Carey apathy is at an all-time high. Precious: Based on the novel Push by Sapphire might be a career turning move for her as an actress, but in my eyes she peaked with her team-up with Boyz II Men on One Sweet Day and it’s been downhill ever since.

Times I watched One Sweet Day for this post: 2.
Times I watched Precious: Based on the
Novel Push by Sapphire for this post: 0.

The Story: The biggest hurdle to get over to actually watch Precious: Based on the Novel Push by Sapphire is the story itself. Here’s the first line from the Netflix sleeve: “Viciously abused by her mother and pregnant by her father…” After a long day of work, this is a hard sell. If it was a stressful day at the office, I didn’t need the story of a girl who is pregnant by her father thrown on top of it. And if it was a great day at the office, I really didn’t need this story to end my night on a sour note. The weekend was out of the question; there were always too many options that all seemed more fun that watching a girl get raped by her dad and abused by her mom. Just typing the last half of that last sentence brought me down.

Not even a Lenny Kravitz appearance could help it leave the sleeve.

I want to know who buys Precious: Based on the Novel Push by Sapphire on DVD. I have some questions for those people. Whether or not you’ve seen it, do you really want to own this movie? Doesn’t that imply you would want to watch it more than once? Did you not read the description on the box? Are you also a cutter?

When you take these factors into consideration, Precious: Based on the Novel Push by Sapphire really had no chance of escaping its Netflix sleeve. I’m just glad that I came to this conclusion when I did. Who knows how long Precious: Based on the Novel Push by Sapphire and I would have had our little staring contest before I relented and finally sat down to watch it? Would it have even have made it into the blog this year, or would it carryover into next year?

To quote Mr. Owl: “The world may never know.”
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At The Theater #7: The Last Station

Walking into the theater at The Angelika, I didn’t know anything about The Last Station other than James McAvoy stars in it. When I sat down, and was told it was about Tolstoy, I reaction was “Really?” Inside I was thinking “How did I let this happen? Great, time to prep for something boring and pretentious.” But as it turns out I need not have worried. The Last Station is a surprisingly humorous movie, especially considering that it’s a movie about Tolstoy. The movie features what will probably be the funniest sex scene of James McAvoy’s career. I did think it was weird that my companions and I were the only ones laughing during some scenes. Maybe the other theatergoers were also prepped for something boring and pretentious, and no amount of humor was going to rob them of that.

The scene right before this picture is worth the price of admission.

Christopher Plummer plays Tolstoy. This is the second movie this year that I thought Christopher Plummer was Ian McKellen. This is also the second movie where upon finding out he wasn’t Ian McKellen, I thought he was Christopher Lee. For some reason, I forgot Chrisopher Lee’s last name and thought Christopher Lee and Christopher Plummer were the same person. “He looks so different than when he played Saruman,” I’d think. “It must be because his beard is so much scragglier here than when it was so nicely combed in Lord of The Rings.” Because I thought Christopher Lee and Christopher Plummer were the same person, I found it very funny when one of the characters with a General Zod-like beard was on screen at the same time as Tolstoy. Luckily someone that looks like General Zod is funny no matter who is starring alongside him. It turns out not only is Christopher Plummer not Ian McKellen or Christopher Lee, he hasn’t played a wizard in any of the Harry Potter or Lord of the Rings movies. How is this possible?

Not Gandalf.

Helen Mirren plays Tolstoy’s wife Sofya. Helen Mirren is turning 65 this year. Is there any actress who is sexier at 65 than this woman? Good looking for her age seems like an insult. The woman is good looking.
♫Sexy and 65/My little Tolstoy queen♫

Beards play a very big role in The Last Station. If you’re wondering how important a male character is in the movie, just check the size of his beard. Tolstoy sports something that is Santa Claus meets ZZ Top, so it’s no wonder that everyone hangs on his every word. Paul Giamatti plays Vladamir Chertkov, Tolstoy’s Head Sycophant in Charge (HSIC). It’s only natural that he has the next most complicated beard, even having a line “There was a problem with the wax,” when questioned about the state of his moustache. James McAvoy’s Valentin Bulgakov is the new guy at the compound, so it makes sense that his beard is understated, about the same size as the General Zod clone who is of a similar rank as him in the Tolstoy compound.

“Son of Jor-El. Kneel before Tolstoy.”
This is not Christopher Plummer, but this beard does make an appearance in The Last Station.
I saw The Last Station at The Angelika Film Center. Like The Brooklyn Heights Cinema, The Angelika gets an A for their popcorn. Movies are $12.50 there, the same price as the Regal in Union Square. Is $12.50 the current standard price of movies in Manhattan? Have I been spoiled by Brooklyn, where $10 seemed steep just a couple of weeks ago?

The Last Station is at the bottom of my list of movies I’ve seen at the theater so far in 2010. But it’s a good movie and I recommend seeing it. I’ve just been lucky to see plenty of good movies so far this year. Hopefully this keeps up.