Some ground rules for those of you new to these recaps. I started recapping back in season 4. Back then, I hadn’t yet read the books and after three seasons of binging DVDs, I still couldn’t remember most everyone’s names, so I gave them nicknames. Can you blame me? Half the men in the North are white guys with black hair and beards. We’re now in season 7, I’ve read all the books, but the nicknames have stuck. I hope you don’t mind.

I like that they’re not putting much text in the synopsis on HBO GO. Not that I’d read it anyway, but it’s nice that they’re not trying to spoil things as I’m about to watch the episode. There are few things worse than accidentally reading too much synopsis info before you watch an episode for the first time. Okay, there are many things worse than that, but I’m just not a fan of spoilery synopsises.

Ooh, the title is Eastwatch. That’s the weak point in The Wall, right? We’re about to see Redbeard go to town against some White Walkers, aren’t we? I certainly hope so.

I’ve spent most of the past week telling people that I really hope Jaime doesn’t die. I know that the Lannisters are one of the bad guys on this show, but Jaime has joined Tyrion as likable Lannisters. Sure, he was a shit in season one, but a lot has changed since then. Yes, yes, he’s still banging his sister, I never said he was perfect.

Bronn lives! Jaime lives! Yayyy! Remember, you can’t spell Bronn without bro. Bronn is the best. Oh, Jaime was aiming for Dany last episode, not Drogon? For some reason, I thought Jaime was trying to shove a spear down the dragon’s throat. When Jaime says I have to tell Cersei about the dragons, Bronn says you may as well jump back in that river. Best Line Bronn strikes again!

Tyrion inspects the charred remains of the battlefield. Dothraki are scavenging. They’ve taken some prisoners too. People survived that attack who weren’t named Jaime or Bronn? I’m amazed. Damn, Drogon is big. I mean huge. Dany offers the captured men the option of bending a knee and living, or dying. At first not many do, but after one roar from Drogon, only a handful, including Lord Randyll Tarley and Dickon/Rickon. Dickon chooses to die alongside his father. Tyrion tries talking Dany out of killing both father and son. Um, Tyrion, why are you second guessing your boss in front of everyone? Would you do this if she was a man? The Tyrells both burn. After that, everyone bends the knee.

Jaime fills in Cersei on what happened. Jaime’s like “We’rrrreee fuckkkkkked.” Jaime also tells Cersei about Olenna’s confession. She doesn’t believe him at first, but when she does, she agrees with me from last week, Olenna should have died a bloody death after making that revelation.

Jon comes face to face with Drogon. Drogon comes screaming at Jon and gets up in his face. Jon reaches out a hand and pets Drogon. Dany looks like she’s in love. It just occured to me that Dany talks about her dragons being her children the same way that crazy cat ladies refer to their cats.

Jon and Dany are interrupted by the return of Friendzone! Dany calls him a friend twice in two minutes. Friendzone looks good. Dany gives him a friendly hug which he totally takes the wrong way. Classic Friendzone.

Bran is looking at the world through the eyes of ravens flying north. They fly to The Wall, and past it. They fly over the army of the dead. It’s like The Walking Dead meets D&D. The Night King stares at the ravens and they all break formation, knocking Bran out of his vision.

Down in Maestertown, the maesters are discussing Bran’s letter about the army of the dead. They’re quick to dismiss it. The maesters suck. They’re quick to dismiss everything. They are written like the classic stereotype of academics being stuck in their ivory towers not experiencing life out in the real world. They’re great at bureaucracy.

Tyrion and Varys are in agreement, neither is a fan of the burning Dany just did. Varys is doing a good job of filling Tyrion’s mind with doubts about Dany. What’s his angle?

Jon gets a scroll letting him know that Arya and Bran are alive and that the army of the dead is marching on Eastwatch. Tyrion suggests capturing a member of the dead army and bringing it to Cersei. They’re trying to figure out how to get one, and Friendzone is like, “I got this.” Friendzone totally sees the way Dany is looking at Jon. Bold move, FZ.

Up in Winterfell, all the lords are already willing to turn their backs on Jon and support Sansa. Meanwhile, Arya has become such a weird, little psycho. I remember when she was one of my favorites. That was the case all the way through last season. Now that she’s back in Winterfell, she comes across like a stalkery psychopath. She’s also a little too weirded out about Sansa taking mom and dad’s room at Winterfell.

Davos and Tyrion sneak into King’s Landing. Wait, aren’t they doing this out of order? Shouldn’t they have the zombie soldier first and then sneak into King’s Landing.

Bronn facilitates a meeting between Jaime and Tyrion. Good thing you saved Jaime’s life at the beginning of this episode, Bronn.

Davos heads to Fleabottom, the Tenderloin of King’s Landing. Who’s that faceless swordmaker? Could it be? It is! Gendry! Davos wants to grab Gendry. Gendry has a badass warhammer and is ready to roll. Uh oh, soldiers spot them as they’re about to get in their boat. This is Davos at this best. When Davos is in smuggler mode, he turns into Lando Calrissian. Fermented crab! I love it! The gold cloaks spot Tyrion making his way back. When the men are dead set on not taking any more bribes, Gendry introduces them to his warhammer. It’s a quick and final introduction.

Qyburn is on his way out of Cersei’s chambers when Jaime approaches. Jaime tells Cersei about meeting with Tyrion. It’s met with silence. Which is met with more silence. Cersei already knew about his meeting with Tyrion. Nothing escapes this queen’s notice in King’s Landing anymore. Cersei wants Jaime to punish Bronn for letting this meeting happen. Sure, it’s not like Bronn just saved Jaime’s life at the start of this episode. Cersei then tells Jaime she’s preggers. She says she’s going to tell everyone it’s Jaime’s. They kiss. Gross. Not just because they’re brother and sister.

Davos is all like “Don’t tell anyone your name. Don’t tell anyone who you dad is.” to Gendry. Gendry’s like “okay,” and then immediately tells Jon who he is. Gendry wants to go north with Jon.

Tyrion trolls Jorah for a bit.I missed these two together.

When Dany looks at Jon, she looks like she’s listening to an Ed Sheeran song. Why isn’t Ed in the boat strumming an acoustic guitar for this scene??

It’s been so long since we’ve seen Sam’s girlfriend that I don’t even remember her name. She asks Sam what an annulment is and then drops a knowledge bomb on Sam and all of us! Rhaegar got an annulment and immediately remarried! Sam completely doest not a hear a words she’s saying because he’s seething at the bureaucracy of the maesters. He goes out and steals a bunch of books and scrolls from the library. Such a bad boy that Sam. Sam, Gilly, (! That’s her name! Took me a minute…) and Gilly’s son ride out of town. Sam says he tired of reading about the achievements of better men. Yeahhh, Sam!

Littlefinger is paying some lady for information. Arya is fully bathed in light as she spies on him, but when he looks, she’s gone. She follows him all over the city, not doing the best job at trying to stay hidden. But stay hidden she does.  Arya breaks into Littlefinger’s room. She finds a scroll that Littlefinger hid in his mattress. It’s that letter that Sansa wrote to Robb at Cersei’s behest. Oh, you just got played, Arya. Littlefinger wanted you to find it!

Yay, Tormund is back! Tormund brings Jon and friends to a cell where The Hound, Beric and Thoros are sitting. They also want to go north of the wall. Problem: Grendy hates Beric. Redbeard doesn’t like Jorah for being a Mormont. They venture north. It’s like Game of Thrones, Reservoir Dogs, Magnificent Seven, and the Backstreet Boys all mashed up into one! It’s the Game of Thrones Dream Team! It’s the North Boyz!