My recaps of Game of Thrones season 5 continue! The normal rules apply: 1.) I haven’t read past book three in the books, so please do not spoiler anything that has yet to happen in the show in your comments! 2.) Forgive my use of nicknames. I have hard time keeping characters names straight. Now, on with the recap!

When the episode begins, we’re in a room filled with statues of all the gods. The face in the weirwood is here. Various aspects of the seven,  the burning heart. Arya is sweeping. Ah, we’re in the house with the black and white door. Jaqen is looking all Jesus Christ Superstar. I keep expecting him to break out into song. He doesn’t. Arya wants to train how to be an assassin, but Jaqen wants her to keep sweeping. It’s a very Mr. Myagi and Daniel-san relationship.

In King’s Landing, Cersei is in a carriage being driven to Tomlin and Princess Low Cut’s wedding. The people outside think it’s Princess Low Cut in the carriage and shout Marjorie’s name. Cersei clearly isn’t enjoying that. I’m getting a very Wicked Queen from Snow White vibe from Cersei right now. If I was Princess Low Cut, I wouldn’t eat any apples offered to me by Cersei.

Marjorie’s wedding dress does justice to her Princess Low Cut nickname. It’s definitely appreciated by Tomlin, who is horny as hell. After they’ve consumated their marriage, Tomlin basically tells Princess Low Cut that he’s DTF all day, every day. Marjorie immediately  uses Tomlin’s desire for her to her advantage, casually letting it slide that she thinks it would be a good idea for Cersei to move away.

Cut to Tomlin telling his mom that he’s shipping her off to Casterly Rock…”for her own benefit.” Yeah, that’s it. Not because he’s pussy whipped, but because she would be too sad here. Cersei immediately sees it as a Marjorie plot. The game continues!

Marjorie is eating with her girlfriends when Ceresei comes by. They are as passive aggressive to each other as any daughter-in-law/mother-in-law combo could be. Marjorie tells Cersei, ” I wish we had some wine for you, but it’s a bit early in the day for us.” Cersei marches out of there like she’s Darth Vader. I swear I thought I heard Vader’s music as she was leaving.

We then drop in on the Boltons. Roose and Ramsey are talking. Roose wants Ramsey to take a bride. And that bride is…

SANSA?! Yup, Littlefinger is with Sansa outside of Moat Cailen. Littlefinger doesn’t want to marry Sansa. He wants to marry her to the Boltons. Sansa rightfully points out that Roose Bolton murdered her brother and betrayed her family to the Lannisters.  And now Littlefinger wants her to marry his son? She’s shocked, and I can’t blame her. But Littlefinger, ever conniving, says to her, “There’s no justice in the world unless we make it. You loved your family. Avenge them.” He’s basically saying, marry Ramsey and then cut his cock (and head) off. Unfortunately for Sansa, I feel like Littlefinger doesn’t understand how big of a monster Ramsey Bolton is!

Brienne and Pod are spying on Littlefinger and Sansa from a distance. Brienne is still down in the dumps, but Pod manages to cheer her up by saying that he’s proud to be her squire. This changes something in Brienne’s outlook on Pod. She decides that she is going to squire him properly and train him how to be a knight. Pod lights a fire and asks Brienne how she came into Renly’s service. Brienne’s father wanted her to marry and invited suitors over. They were all nice to Brienne’s face, but she caught them maligning her behind her back. Renly was the only one who treated her well, defended her to the others, and danced with her. He made her feel pretty. Pod awkwardly dances around Renly’s sexuality. Brienne gets the second best line of the episode with, “Yes, Pod. He liked men. I’m not an idiot.” Pod asks her what she wants. She wants to kill Stannis for killing Renly.

Stannis is in Jon’s office, er, I mean Lord Commander Snow’s office. Jon turns down Stannis’s offer to lead his army and become Jon Stark. He’ll never be Jon Stark, as much as he wants it to be so. Jon has to figure out what do about the Wildlings. Stannis wants them for his own army, but Jon knows they would never follow Stannis willingly. Davos tries to convince Jon to take Winterfell, saying it would be good for both Stannis and the Night’s Watch. Jon mulls it over.

Meanwhile, back in Braavos, the other sweeping girl gets all up in Arya’s business, asking her “Who are you?” Arya responds, “No one.” The girl then belts out, “I really want to knooooowwwww! Who are you? Who-oo oo-oo.” No, wait, that’s The Who. But yeah, this girl is unrelenting on Arya until Jaqen breaks it up. Jaqen gets asks the mean girl what she was doing and admonishes her, saying that Arya isn’t ready for the test. Arya thinks she is ready and doesn’t understand why Jaqen has her sweeping when she should be learning how to kill.

Jaqen doesn’t let Arya off the hook. Arya says she’s ready to be a Faceless Man, but Jaqen counters that  if she really is no one, than why is she dressed in Arya Stark’s clothes and in possession of Arya Stark’s sword. Arya gets the message. She dumps all of her possessions into the sea, her clothes, everything. Well, almost everything. She can’t bring herself to throw Needle into the sea. Instead, she buries Needle under some rocks in some breakers by the water’s edge.

Arya returns to her sweeping. Mr. Miyagi Jaqen walks in, and leads her down some steps to a chamber. Arya’s next round of training is about to begin, but it is definitely not what she was expecting. In the chamber is a dead body and the mean girl from earlier. Jaqen leaves. The mean girl explains they are to strip and wash the body. Arya asks, “What do we after we wash him?” but receives no answer.

Sansa and Littlefinger visit the Boltons. Some girls, I think they’re Ramsey’s playthings, are throwing Sansa some serious shade and side eye.

Up at Castle Black, Jon, in his first act of Lord Commandership, appoints Brian to dig a latrine, because that “seems like a good job for a ginger.” Everyone laughs. Smh, Jon Snow. When are we going to judge a man for the content of his character and not the redness of his hair? Somewhere in another fictional universe, Ron Weasley is crying.

Jon then names Thorne as the First Ranger. This is huge. Thorne has always been Jon’s biggest enemy in the Night’s Watch, and now Jon is giving Thorne the highest honor he can bestow upon him. Is Jon doing this because he’s the bigger man, and can see past their differences to the fact that Thorne deserves this title more than anyone else in the Night’s Watch? Or is it a political move, designed to keep his enemy close? Maybe it’s a little of both.

It definitely seems like a political move when Jon makes his third decree, sending away Lord Janos to head up a different castle far away. Janos is pissed. He refuses, saying he’ll never take an order from a bastard. He is ready to mutiny and clearly thinks he has Thorne’s support. He doesn’t. Jon orders Janos’s death for his act of treason. Thorne steps aside and lets the brothers take Janos. Did Thorne step aside because it was the right thing to do, recognizing that the Night’s Watch can’t harbor brothers seeking treason against the Lord Commander? Or did he step aside because Jon just made him First Ranger? I think it was more the latter.

Jon calls for Lord Janos’s head. This scene harkens back to the very first episode of the series, when Ned Stark orders the death of the runaway Night’s Watch brother and executes the man himself, telling his sons that the man who orders another man’s death should always be the same one who delivers it. Jon definitely took that to heart, and stands ready with his blade to decapitate Lord Janos, who begs for mercy. Janos’s final words are “I’m afraid. I’ve always been afraid,” which seems to sum up his character perfectly. Remember, it was Janos who was hiding in the cellars during the huge battle against the Wildlings last season.

Stannis watched all of this go down. He shows no expression during any of this, but he can’t not be impressed with Jon Snow as Lord Commander. Stannis himself wbrook no treason, and would sentence a traitor to death just as quickly as Jon did.

The episode then cuts to a weird sex party. The High Septon is picking from whores who are each dressed as a different aspect of the Seven. Whoa, this is seriously fucked up. This would be like the pope picking out whores who were dressed as the Virgin Mary, Jesus and the Holy Spirit. Side note: how does one dress as the holy spirit? The Sparrows break up the sexy party, drag the High Septon away and parade him through the streets of Kings Landing completely naked, his hypocrisy laid bare.

Later, at the Small Council meeting, the High Septon complains about what the Sparrows did to him and wants their leader, the High Sparrow, killed. Cersei doesn’t take him too seriously, knowing what he was up to when the Sparrows abducted him.

Still, Cersei pays a visit to the Sparrows and finds herself talking to the High Sparrow. The High Sparrow is a very old man, who kind of looks like the pervy neighbor that is always hitting on Chris in Family Guy. You know, this guy.

The High Sparrow is feeding the homeless. He’s there to serve the people, not serve himself, unlike the High Septon. Cersei, showing that she is not in fact 100% made of stone, wants to make the High Sparrow the new High Septon.

Back at the Bolton stronghold, Sansa walks right past Reek. She doesn’t notice him, but he definitely notices her. It’s hard to tell if the small part of him that is still Theon Greyjoy recognizes her as Sansa Stark, or if it’s just Reek realizing she’s someone from his past. I wonder if Reek will aid Sansa in her revenge against he Boltons. Lord knows they both have motivation. Or is Theon so far gone that he’ll end up undermining Sansa? I’d like to see him make a last minute save of Sansa from Ramsey, perhaps gutting Ramsey in the process.

Littlefinger meets with Ramsey and then with Lord Bolton. Maybe Littlefinger once truly did love Catelyn Stark, but now I think the only one he truly loves is himself, and the accumulation of more gold and more power for himself. I think it’s this season that we really are seeing the differences between Littlefinger and Varys. While they are both lying snakes in the grass who are each working their own agenda at all times, I get the feeling that Varys is doing what he is doing to bring about what will be a better Westeros in his eyes. Littlefinger, on the other hand, just wants what’s best for Littlefinger. Varys has no interest in sitting on the Iron Throne himself, but you can’t help but get the feeling after seeing all of Littlefinger’s machinations over the seasons laid bare, that Littlefinger’s ultimate goal is his own butt sitting on the Iron Throne.

Speaking of Varys, he and Tyrion are travelling in a wheelhouse. Know that expression, that isn’t my wheelhouse? Ever wonder what an actual wheelhouse was? Well, here you go. Tyrion is bored. He wants out of the wheelhouse. Varys advises against it, but can’t stop him. They’re travelling through this incredibly tall city built on a bridge. It makes for quite the cool visual. Tyrion exits the wheelhouse to explore the city on foot, with Varys trailing behind him.

The city is full of slaves who have their jobs tattooed on their faces. Imagine if people had tattoos like that today. What would be a good tattoo for a Game of Thrones recapper? A keyboard? An angry comment box?

An Asian red priestess is preaching to the masses. She spots Tyrion, and it seems that she realizes who she is. Tyrion notices her noticing him. He ducks into his favorite of ducking into spots, the local brothel. The guard at the door rubs Tyrion’s head, saying “It’s good luck to rub a dwarf’s head.” Tyrion responds with the best line of the episode, “It’s even better luck to suck a dwarf’s cock.” Inside the brothel, a whore is dressed as Dany. This makes Dany a popular choice for comic book convention cosplayers and the whores of Westeros.

Whoa, Jorah Friendzone is in the whorehouse! What’s Friendzone doing here? I wonder how many times he’s hired the Dany whore. I’m guessing that’s where most of his money goes. Tyrion chooses a non-Dany whore, but once they are alone, he can’t bring himself to have sex with her. It’s like his falling in love with a whore, being betrayed by her and then strangling her to death has somehow affected him. Weird…

Tyrion pees off a wall on the side of the whorehouse. This guy really likes peeing off of walls. First, The Wall in season 1, and now the (small w) wall here. As he’s peeing, Friendzone ties a rope around him and gags his mouth. Friendzone then declares, “I’m taking you to the queen.” WHICH QUEEN?!? Cersei? Dany? The local drag queen (who as it turns out also dresses as Dany)? Find out next week (I hope)!