I watched 2012 because if the world is going to end this year, I want to know the playbook.

THE SEVEN LESSONS I LEARNED ABOUT THE UPCOMING END OF THE WORLD

1. If you think the 1% are screwing us over now, just you wait until end of the world contingency plans come into play.

2. Since people on the ark had to pay in Euros, now is a buying opportunity for Americans thanks to a favorable exchange rate caused by the current European debt crisis.

3. Avoid Hawaii. It’s going to be one giant pool of lava. That’s fine; it’s not like I’m planning my honeymoon there or anything.

4. When planning a vacation, book it on the cruise line where the two jazz singers performed. The world was halfway through Armageddon before the water got rough for the passengers.

5. During the end of the world, never say “I just feel like there’s something pulling us apart.” The ground will crack underneath you.

6. If a guy says “I wish you could see what I’m seeing,” chances are at that moment you have a direct, unobstructed view of his coin slot.

7. Don’t fuck with John Cusack. Seriously. Date his wife who he’s separated from? You’ll die. Promise to save him and then screw him over in a frozen wasteland? Yeah, you’re dead too. Or maybe you’re a building that wants to fall on his limo. He’ll drive through you! Don’t mess.