Hey there, and welcome to another recap of Game of Thrones! A few ground rules: 1) I have read the books only up to what would be the end of season 4 of the TV show, so please don’t comment with anything that happened in the books but has yet to happen in the show. 2) There are spoilers for Season 5, episode 7 and before in this recap. If you haven’t watched The Gift yet, come back when you have. 3) I like to give characters nicknames. And away we go…

Is it me or are we opening on Castle Black a lot these days? Yes, I could go back and easily check my recaps to see if that’s true, but instead I’m just going to go with it and accept it as fact. Redbeard and Jon are in the courtyard. Jon releases Redbeard from his chains, so that Jon can accompany him north of the wall to recruit the remaining wildlings. Everyone, including the wildlings, thinks this is a bad idea. Sam might be the only one is Jon’s corner here. He gives Jon a pouch of dragon glass, and hopes Jon doesn’t need it. Jon leaves Thorne in charge. I’m sure this is going to end well.

Later, Maester Aemon is being tended to by Gilly, Sam and baby Sam. Okay, baby Sam isn’t so much as tending to him, but he’s there. Maester Aemon doesn’t seem long for the world. He’s no longer sharp, and it appears like senility is setting in. When baby Sam laughs, Aemon smiles and says, “Egg laughed like that.” Oh, wait, no not egg, “Aeg.” He means Aegon, his younger brother, aka the Mad King. Aemon warns Sam and Gilly to take the baby south before it’s too late. Listen to Aemon, kids. Winter is coming.

In Winterfell, Reek brings Sansa a meal. At first, it looked like she was still in her wedding dress and I thought this was the morning after her wedding night. But no, it’s a white dressing gown. Sansa asks Theon for help. “He already hurts me every night.” By hurts, I’m assuming she means, violently has sex with. She tells Theon about the candle, and the woman who promised to help her. She gives Theon a candle and asks him to take it to the Broken Tower and light it.

Theon, of course, takes it right to Ramsey. Fucking Reek… But really, what did you expect? This is Game of Thrones, and if there is one constant on this show, it’s that characters will consistently get fucked over.

Brienne is outside Winterfell, biding her time. It doesn’t look like Theon/Reek will be saving Sansa. Will it be Brienne who guts Ramsey? I really would like to see Sansa stab him herself.

Up at Castle Black, Maester Aemon passes away. His last words are “Aeg, I dreamed I was old.” The Nights Watch has a funeral for him, led by Sam. Thorne whispers in Sam’s ear, “You’re losing all your friends, Tarly.” I believe the point of this line was to remind you in case you forgot that Thorne is the worst.

Sansa is with Ramsey. Sansa grabs a corkscrew without him noticing. Yes, stab him. Stab him. She doesn’t. But that corkscrew has to be used later, right? Isn’t there an old writing adage that says “A corkscrew picked up in episode seven must be used to gouge out Ramsey’s eyes by episode ten?” I’m sure I heard that somewhere. Sansa finds out Jon is the Lord Commander of the Night’s Watch. Wow, Sansa really is out of the loop when it comes to her family, right? She thinks she and Jon are the only ones alive, even though Arya, Bran and Rickon are out somewhere out there (cue the theme song to An American Tail). Ramsey has Sansa’s candle and shows Sansa the body of the old woman who wanted to help her. She’s been flayed. “You should hold onto your candles. The nights are so long now.” This guy, constantly creepier, I swear.

Davos gives Stannis an update. The men are all freezing. It’s snowing too hard to march. Stannis doesn’t want to hear it. He says, “We go forward, only forward.” Stannis’s power song is “No Retreat, No Surrender” by Bruce Springsteen. Smoky Vajayjay once again wants to sacrifice Stannis’s daughter to help him smite his enemies. Stannis won’t hear it.

Two guys of the Watch are harassing Gilly. Remember kids, most of the men up there are there to avoid prison sentences. They’re not all Sam and Jon. They’re mostly thieves, murderers and rapists. Sam comes to Gilly’s defense. The two guys then promptly proceed to kick Sam’s ass. Still, Sam rises and stands up to them. Ghost comes to his aid. That scares off the two dudes. Sam passes out. Gilly nurses Sam. Part of “healing” him involves mounting him. You go, Samwell!

Tyrion and Friend Zone are on the auction block. Some guy buys Friend Zone for 20 gold. Tyrion pleads that the guy buys him as well. “We’re a team!” he says. Everyone laughs. To prove his point, Tyrion sucker punches the slaver holding his chain. A couple of more coins gets the buyer Tyrion too. Was that even two gold? It might have been two copper for all we know. The slaver was happy with the price though.

Dany and Daario are in bed. Geez Dany, didn’t you just get engaged to someone else? Daario wants her to marry him instead of the master who wanted the fighting pits reopened. He advises her to gather all the masters and then slaughter all the masters. When Dany says that she’s not a butcher, Daario gets the best line of the episode with, “All rulers are either butchers or meat.”

Grandma meets with the High Sparrow. I love Grandma; she doesn’t take shit from anyone. Still, she can’t get the High Sparrow to free her grandchildren. As she leaves, she’s given a note from Littlefinger’s messenger.

At the castle Tomlin is pissed, and he’s letting Cersei know. He wants his wife, Princess Low Cut, freed! Cersei tells him what he wants to hear.

Over in Dorne, Jaime is talking with his daughter-niece. She doesn’t understand why he’s there. She’s been in Dorne for years, why is it suddenly dangerous, she wants to know. Wow, has she really been here for years? It’s hard to figure out sometimes how much time is passing between episodes and seasons on this shows. Myrcella twists the knife by saying that Jaime doesn’t even know her. Hey! That’s no way to talk to your uncle-dad!

Bronn and the viper girls are chilling in adjacent jail cells. The cutest one, Dagger, starts flirting with him and wants to know if she’s the prettiest woman he’s ever seen. Bronn says that he’s seen a lot of pretty women. Bronn is clearly a fan of “negging.” Dagger shows him a tit. My first thought is Bronn, I don’t think this is gong to end well. And would you look at that, Bronn collapses. Dagger says she zapped him with a slow acting poison when she stabbed him in their fight. Gotta love/be deathly afraid of a woman who times her flirtation to her poison just right. She offers him the antidote, but only if he concedes that she’s the most beautiful woman he’s ever seen. He quickly does. She tells him, “I think you’re very handsome as well.” Bronn lives another day. I won’t lie, I feel like she is just the right amount of crazy for Bronn. Who else wants to see these two get together? Raise your hand.

In King’s Landing, we get an almost shot-for-shot remake of a shot from season one, showing Littlefinger spying through a peephole. Except that this time, there’s no one to spy on. He’s looking in on his ransacked best little whorehouse in Westeros. Shortly thereafter, Grandma and Littlefinger converse. For obvious reasons, neither is a fan of the new High Septon/Sparrow. Grandma doesn’t trust Littlefinger, making her the smartest person on the show. But Littlefinger says he’s in House Tyrell’s corner, and only came to King’s Landing because of a direct order from Cersei. Grandma seems to believe him, which 100% goes against the rule of “Never believe Littlefinger (unless he says he’s going to betray you. Ned Stark RIP).”

Finally, the fighting pits! A bunch of fighters are brought out, but Tyrion and Friend Zone are left in the locker room. This is a an early round fight. Whoever wins today moves on and fights before the queen. But look at that, Dany is in the audience. She is not enjoying the savagery of the fights. She wants to leave, but her new husband-to-be advises her to stay out of tradition. When Friend Zone hears that Dany is in the audience, he grabs a sword and joins the melee. Jorah makes short work of everyone and handily wins. Dany is not happy to see him, commanding the guards to “Get him out of my sight.” Friend Zone pleads, “I brought you a gift.” Cue Tyrion emerging from the locker room: “I am the gift. My name is Tyrion Lannister.” And suddenly I can’t wait for the next episode.

Cersei visits Princess Low Cut, who is not looking good. Princess Low Cut seems to be in the Marie Antoinette cell. That joke was for all the French history buffs who read these recaps. Cersei then visits the High Sparrow. For the past few weeks, I kept wondering when the High Sparrow was going to turn on Cersei. I mean, come on! You put this religious fanatic in a position of power where he doesn’t even have to obey the king, a king is the product of you and your brother, how are you not counting the days until you end up in the cell next to Majorie? She’s in jail for just lying about her brother’s homosexuality, and she’s the current queen. Does Cersei really think the immediate past queen can somehow avoid jail even when the current queen couldn’t? Yes, Cersei is the one who put the High Sparrow in power, but when has he ever seemed like the type of guy who keeps political allies?  You can almost see the exact moment when Cersei realizes she’s fucked. Sadly, it’s a good two minutes after the audience realizes she’s fucked. Cersei really is her own worst enemy. The High Sparrow calls Lancel forward, Lancel who had many stories to tell him about Cersei. The episode ends with Cersei being thrown into a cell.