As the episode begins, the Lannister army on the march. Man, talk about a literal reversal in fortune for the Lannisters over the last few episodes. They were on what seemed like the losing side of the war and were basically being foreclosed on by the Iron Bank. Now, they’ve taken out some of Dany’s top allies and are marching caravan full of gold back to King’s Landing. For his part in all this, Bronn gets paid with a big bag of gold. It’s not enough for him. Bronn wants a castle. Bronn was promised a castle. He specifically wants Highgarden. Jaime tries to talk him out of it, saying that Highgarden is too hard to defend and Bronn could lose it to Dany within a week of them giving it to him. He preaches patience to Bronn – wait until the end of the war, and he’ll have his pick of castles.
Tycho, the creepy looking dude from the Iron Bank, is excited. He compares Cersei to her father for the second time in as many episodes. The Iron Bank just got paid in full and they’re eager to re-up Cersei. Well, just as soon as the gold gets delivered. That’s not foreshadowing at all. What could possibly go wrong with the gold train? Also, did the Game of Thrones casting director not realize that Ian McDiarmid is still alive? Why cast a guy who kinda looks like the Emperor from Star Wars when you can cast the actual Emperor?
Up in Winterfell, Littlefinger gives Bran that knife from season one that belonged to Tyrion, the one that was used in the failed assassination attempt. This is Littlefinger’s dagger, right? I mean, it was originally Tyrion’s, but then it was stolen and we all agree Littlefinger was behind the assassin, right? Or am I misremembering something? Littlefinger say, “I imagine you’ve seen things most men wouldn’t believe.” Bran replies, “Chaos is a ladder,” referencing back to a Littlefinger line from back in season 3. Litterfinger actually gets quiet. I like this parlor trick of Bran’s. “Hey watch while I tell you something about which there’s no possible way I should know.” Bran denies being Lord Stark when Littlefinger calls him that. This is just like when Prince stopped wanting to be called Prince. Just like it.
Frog Girl is leaving. She wants to be with her family when the army of the dead arrives. Talk about a downer. She wants Bran to say that he needs her. But Bran’s the Three Eyed Raven now and has all the people skills of Sheldon from The Big Bang Theory.
Arya rides to Winterfell. The guards don’t believe she’s who she says she is and tell her to be on her way. Arya persists and points out to the guards that if she is who she says she is and Sansa finds out they turned her away, they’ll be in trouble. While the two bonehead guards are trying to figure out who should tell Sansa, Arya sneaks off. Sansa and Arya reunite in the crypts by the statue of their dead dad. Arya asks, “Do I have to call you Lady Stark now?” Sansa responds, “Yes.” Man, post-Joffrey Sansa is great. Remember when she was the worst? She hasn’t had as extreme a likability arch as Jaime has had, but she’s definitely so much better now than she was in season one. Wow, Sansa really towers over Arya. Has Arya grown since season one? Brann, Sansa and Arya reunite. All that’s missing in Jon Snow to make this Stark family reunion complete. Bran gives Arya the dagger. It’s Valerian steel. I’m willing to bet dollars to doughnuts that she knifes Littlefinger with it.
Missandei is talking to Dany. Missandei is worried that there hasn’t been any word from the Unsullied. Dany is wondering why Missandei is worried about Grey Worm so much right now. Dany asks, “What happened?” To which Missandei replies, “Many things.” I was hoping Emelia Clarke would break character and just let out an “Awwwww yeah! Boom chicka bow bow.” No dice. Before that can happen, Jon interrupts them. Jon found the dragonglass! That’s a lot of dragonglass. He also shows Dany all these zany hieroglyphics that the Children of the Forest made. Jon, come on, you drew these. Jon then gives Dany Jack’s “Live together, die alone” speech from Lost. Dany wants Jon to bend the knee first. Just kiss her, you fool! What? Dany’s parents were brother and sister. And so were her grandparents. Aunt-nephew is better than that, right? Right?
Tyrion lets Dany know they took Casterly Rock. He’s not excited. He fills her in on what happened at the end of the last episode. I feel like I wrote that sentence last week too. Dany is starting to doubt Tyrion’s commitment to her cause, toying with the idea that he’s more loyal to his family. Tyrion is getting a poor rating from his manager. That’s mad! Just like your dad! Don’t say that to her. Dany wants to fly the dragons right to the Red Keep and just burn the place. She asks Jon for advice. Jon tells Dany basically to Think Different. Thanks, Steve Jobs.
Pod and Brienne are training. Arya stops by to say hi. Arya wants to train with Brienne, because Brienne beat the Hound. Holy cow, Arya is X-23 from Logan. Littlefinger is with Sansa on the catwalk above and just keeps looking at her like, “Your sister, what a weirdo, right?” Someone please stab Littlefinger.
Jon, Davos and Missandei are talking. Missandei doesn’t understand how Jon’s a bastard. She explains, “We don’t have marriage in Naath, so the concept of a bastard doesn’t exist.” She goes on to say that she and the rest of Dany’s army don’t care whose daughter she is. “She’s the queen we chose” She’s so compelling that Davos asks Jon, “Would you forgive me if I switch sides?”
Theon shows up in the one Greyjoy ship left. That’s a sad sight. Jon and Theon reunite! Oh wait, Jon ain’t happy to see Theon. Oh right, Jon knows all about Theon taking Winterfell and thinks that Theon killed Bran and Rickon. Theon’s lucky Jon doesn’t stab him right there. Though maybe that’s what would make Theon happy at this point.
Bronn, Jaime and the Tarleys are leading the gold march from Highgarden to King’s Landing. Bronn is such a lovable asshole. Jaime confuses Tarley’s son’s name, calling him Rickon when it should be Dickon. Bronn finds this and the name Dickon funny and lets it be known how funny he finds it. God, I love Bronn. Please don’t kill him. Bronn gets the best line of the episode when he tells Rickon/Dickon “Didn’t they teach you that at Fancy Lad School?”
Uh oh. What’s that noise. Uh oh. Dany coming. Dothraki are on the move. Bronn wants Jaime to get out of there. Jaime’s all for staying. Then Drogan shows up and you can almost see Jaime shit himself. Dany roasts a bunch of Lannisters. The Dothradki ride through the flame. Oh man, this is one sided. Please don’t kill Bronn. This fight is very Warhammery. Some of you know exactly what I mean. Dickon saves Jaime. Bronn gets knocked off his horse and loses his bag of gold. Don’t go for the money, Bronn! Dead men go for the money! Bronn fights his way to the Scorpion. Don’t die. don’t die. Don’t die. Bronn loads the Scorpion.
Whoa, Tyrion is at this battle too? Tyrion spots Jaime. Dany comes in for a final pass by. Everyone is basically burned except for Bronn and Jaime. Bronn fire and misses. Bronn reloads. Bronn with the direct hit. Dany’s going down. Uh oh for Bronn and Jaime, Drogon’s okay. Drogon somehow doesn’t kill Bronn when he burns the Scorpion.
Jaime grabs a spear and charges Dany. Tyrion and I both are telling Jaime not to do it. Just as Drogan is about to roast Jaime, Bronn saves Jaime by jumping off his horse and tackling Jaime into the water. But Jaime’s got a solid metal hand and is wearing full armor. He sinks like a stone. The screen goes black and everyone in my apartment literally says “Ugggghhhhhhhhhhhhh!”
Anyone else thing the Cinematographer on Game of Thrones just watched Get Out? Jaime looks like he was just hypnotized by Catherine Keener.