Monthly Archives: November 2010

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On The Couch #44: Scarface

I’m not sure why I never saw Scarface before now. I’ve seen a lot of rap videos. I like rap. I have friends who like rap. How is it that I’ve managed to avoid this movie for so long, a movie which seems to be rapped about more than any other?

…with the possible exception of The Little Mermaid.

When I told a friend this morning that I just watched Scarface for the first time, he looked at me incredulously and said “You just watched it for the first time? That movie is awesome! It’s one of my favorites!” He then slipped into a faux-Cuban accent and said “My name is…Don Corleone. Let me introduce you to my papi.” “Wow,” I replied, “It’s one of your favorite movies and you managed to butcher both of those lines. Impressive.”

It’s interesting that when Scarface was first released, these characters in it were a break from the gangster movie cliché, but have now become the current gangster movie cliché.

Scarface is definitely firmly rooted in the 1980s. The fashion. The hairstyles. The neon lights. The non-stop coke binges. Some of those things should never leave the 80s. Specifically Mary Elizabeth Mastrantonio’s hair.

How much coke do you have to snort before this perm looks good? The world may never know…

Tony Montana is a complete dick in the movie. Why does every fan of Scarface idolize Tony? They should idolize Manny. Manny was awesome. He was a fun loving, hard working ladies man. So of course Tony had to kill him. Why? Because Tony’s a dick and that’s what dicks do: murder their awesome best friends. The worst thing Manny did in the movie wasn’t dating Gina behind Tony’s back; it was hitching his boat to Tony’s sail in the first place.

Which brings me to Tony’s weird relationship with his sister Gina. When Gina first appears in Scarface, I had no idea she was Tony’s sister. Tony was talking to her like she was the girl who got away. When it was revealed they were brother and sister, I was skeeved as much as Han Solo must have been when he found out Luke and Leia were brother and sister. “Wait, so you two are related? Then why do you look at each other that way?” It was obvious from Gina’s first scene that Tony wanted to have sex with her.

Kiss her, you fool! Wait, she’s your sister?!

But it took a long time and Tony’s murder of her newlywed husband for Gina to realize that. Despite Gina shooting him in the leg, I’m pretty sure that Tony would have had sex with Gina when she burst into his office yelling “Fuck me!” Unfortunately for Tony, that Bolivian hit man had to mess up his game by bursting in after her and shooting her dead. The most surprising part of that scene is that Tony didn’t have sex with Gina’s bloody corpse.

I get why this movie is a cult favorite, but I wouldn’t call this the greatest gangster movie of all time. That title goes to Goodfellas in my book, but I can understand if you were to choose The Godfather instead. It’s funny that both The Godfather and Scarface both have three hour running times, but it’s only Scarface where I really noticed I was watching a three hour movie.

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At The Theater #36: Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1

When I first heard that the seventh Harry Potter book was going to split into two movies, I thought it was just a greedy move designed to milk as much money from fans as they could at the end of this series. Now that I’ve seen Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1, I take that back. I think it’s great that the decision was made to divide the final book into two movies. While watching it, nothing felt overly padded. And unlike some of the other movies, nothing felt rushed or obviously left out from the book.

During the movie, I kept wondering where in the book the movie would end. I haven’t read Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows since the book was first released. All I remembered about it was the flight of the many Harrys at the beginning, the camping that seemed to go on forever and the fight at the end.

Harry Potter and the Secret of Victoria

My favorite part of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 was the lead-up to the flight of too many Harrys. Seeing Daniel Radcliffe as Fluer as Harry in a bra saying “Look away! I’m hideous!” made me howl. 

My second favorite part of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 was Hermione’s red dress.

A friend pointed out that in the book, Harry and Hermione disguised themselves with polyjuice potion when scoping out Godric’s Hollow. I’m glad this was dropped in the movie. Harry and friends had already used polyjuice potion twice before this in the movie and using it again would have felt like they were going to the polyjuice well one too many times.

One thing I discovered before the film even began is that if I walk around in novelty Harry Potter glasses, there is 100% chance that I will speak in a British accent. It’s an insanely accurate accent. You should hear it sometime. You will think I am British.

“Accio booger!”
Severus, wands aren’t for picking noses.

A group of friends joined me for Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. We caught the 10:30 Saturday night screening on opening weekend at The Ziegfeld. Figuring that it was Saturday night, opening weekend of the hugest movie of the year, there were five of us who wanted to sit together, and it was The Ziegfeld, we weren’t taking any chances. We showed up at 9 PM to line up for seats. Also, I bought the tickets three days in advance to avoid the inevitable sell out.

We were the first ones at the theater. Is there a line inside? No? We’re it? Huh. A mother showed up wiht her two kids a few minutes after us and bought tickets. So it’s not sold out? Huh. She considered lining up behind us, asked the ticket seller a question, and walked back to the street, laughing “There’s 1100 seats in there.” Well, at least we were guaranteed seats.

Looking around the theater right before the movie started, it looked like there were maybe 60 people in the whole place. People of NYC: The Ziegfeld is the nicest theater in NYC! Where did you see Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows on Saturday? Apparently it wasn’t there. What kept people away? The lack of stadium seating? Not having Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows in 3D? A deathly allergy to awesome movie theaters? Whatever it was, I was shocked at how empty The Ziegfeld was. Of course, someone sat down right in front of us. But they were nice enough to move over when we asked politely.

Before the movie started, I had what might be the oddest thing to happen to me in a movie theater this year. No, let’s change that from this year to ever. Yes, the oddest thing to happen to me in a movie theater ever. I went to the men’s room. No, that’s not the odd part. After finishing up, I turned to the sink. No, that’s not the odd part either; I wash up every time. Blocking my access to the sink was a Ziegfeld employee who was standing at the sink changing his pants. That’s the odd part. He was just standing there in his boxer briefs changing out of one pair of pants and into the other.

The strangest part about this scene was how meticulous and slow he was in neatly folding the pants he just took off before putting the other pants on. Isn’t there a storage closet that could have doubled as changing room? Or maybe one of the toilet stalls? Not right in the middle of the men’s room, blocking the sinks. Right? It’s okay though. I figured it out after the movie ended what was going on. He was clearly one of Harry’s friends from the beginning of the movie and had to make a quick change now that his polyjuice potion was wearing off. Obviously.

Theory: Voldemort would be a tiny bit nicer if he had a nose.
I was happy to see two things addressed in Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 that were omitted from the movie version of Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire. The first was Voldemort talking about how his wand and Harry’s share the same core, which is an integral story point for the finale of the franchise. The second was Bill Weasley introducing himself to Harry. Bill had small, but pivotal roles in the Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire and Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince, so it was nice to see him finally acknowledged in the films.

I’ve never done the “see the previous movie on opening night right before the new movie starts” thing, but I would be very tempted to do this for Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2. A 10:30 PM screening of Part 1 followed by a midnight screening of Part 2? Something to think about…

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At The Theater # 35: Black Swan

Watching the trailer for Black Swan, I couldn’t help but think that this movie was just going to be a by-the-numbers new version of Fight Club, where the twist is that Mila Kunis is the imaginary Tyler Durden to Natalie Portman’s Ed Norton. I was very happy that this turned out to not be the case, which helped make The Black Swan a very good psychological thriller.
Black Swan deals with the theme of “messing up when you’re 95% to a goal” very well. Shortly after the start of the film, Natalie Portman’s character Nina is given the opportunity to get exactly what she’s worked for her whole life, to play the Swan Queen in Swan Lake. The closer she gets to that goal though, the harder her life becomes, often by her own hand (both figuratively and literally).

There are scenes in Black Swan that make this movie very hard to watch. I didn’t realize how much a mother clipping her daughter’s fingernails could make me recoil until I watched this movie. And any time Natalie Portman would start peeling away her own skin, I could feel my face involuntarily cringe.

Natalie Portman’s eyes are so red, I almost expect her to shoot beams out of them like Cyclops from X-Men.

If you ever had a crush on both Mila Kunis and Natalie Portman, you are really going to want to see this movie. You’ll probably even score some points with your girlfriend for taking her to a movie about the ballet. Don’t worry, I won’t tell her your real reason for wanting to see this.

You’ll probably enjoy this scene as well.

I had an easier time separating fantasy from reality in Inception than I did in Black Swan. Director Darren Aronofsky did a great job with the Black Swan in showing things from Nina’s point of view, and making it hard to figure out what was real, what was fantasy and what was a mix of the two.
When your mirror does this, it’s time for a new mirror.

Vincent Cassel plays Thomas Leroy, the ballet director. It was hard to accept him as this object of desire for the characters in Black Swan. The reason? Whenever they showed him in close-up, his eyes were bugged out, making him kind of resemble Gollum from The Lord of the Rings. I kept wanting Cassel to say “Gollum…gollum” (with a smoldering French accent of course).

Actual still of Vincent Cassell in Black Swan.

Should you see Black Swan? Use this formula to figure it out: (Interest in young starlets making out with each other + Interest in psychological thrillers) – Desire to avoid seeing self-mutilation = how much you’d enjoy Black Swan.

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On The Couch #43: Batman: Under The Red Hood

Despite Netflix offering Batman: Under The Red Hood through instant streaming, I opted to rent the Blu-Ray from them instead. My reason for doing this was that with every previous DC direct-to-video release, I enjoyed the special features much more than the movie. Thankfully, that didn’t end up being the case with Batman: Under The Hood.

Out of all of the DC direct-to-video animated movies, Batman: Under the Red Hood is the best. The story is very faithful to its source material, probably because original writer Judd Winnick is the screenwriter here. And the source material is good. Batman: Under The Red Hood revolves around the resurrection of the second Robin, Jason Todd, who wants to get back at his killer, The Joker, and his former mentor who allowed his killer to live, Batman.

Neil Patrick Harris voices NIghtwing, the original Robin all grown up.

I still remember vividly when DC Comics killed Jason Todd. It made national news. Not only did DC kill Batman’s partner, but the fans were responsible for it. DC set up a 900 number and let the fans vote if Robin would survive the story A Death in the Family. It was 50 cents to call, which prevented 11-year-old me from getting my parents permission to call in and vote. To this day, I’m not sure how I would have voted if I was given permission. Like many Batman readers at the time, I wasn’t a big fan of Jason Todd as Robin. I thought it was cool that he was discovered by Batman while stealing the wheels off the Batmobile, but he became annoying very quickly with his whininess and temper tantrums. Still, I don’t know if I would have voted for him to die. At the same time, I don’t know if I would have voted for him to live. Maybe it’s a good thing that my parents withheld taking my $0.50 make that call. No 11-year-old needs that kind of responsibility hanging over his head.

“You can prevent it with a telephone call.” …or not.

The one-two punch of A Death in the Family and the Tim Burton Batman movie turned me into a huge Batman fan. I think I had a different Batman t-shirt for every day of the week back then, my favorite being one of The Joker, surrounded by laughter, holding up a gun and a joker card. I was obsessed. I still have a giant Batman movie poster from the NYC subway hanging up in my old room at my parents’ house.

While I didn’t like him as Robin, I really like Jason Todd as The Red Hood, I especially liked when he confronted Batman and asked him what seems like the most obvious question in the world, how can Batman let The Joker live? The Joker has murdered thousands and despite Batman’s best efforts, he continually breaks out of Arkham to murder more. To Judd Winnick’s credit as a writer, he pens the perfect answer to come out of Batman’s mouth for that question.

The special features on the Blu-Ray did not disappoint. There’s a cool Jonah Hex short, with Thomas Jayne voicing Jonah Hex. And there are two documentary featurettes on the first two Robins, Dick Grayson and Jason Todd.

If you’re a fan of Batman, you should definitely check out Batman: Under The Red Hood.

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On The Couch #42: The Secret of Kells

The Secret of Kells was almost one of the first movies I saw at the theater this year. The Secret of Kells was nominated for an Oscar and playing at the nearby Brooklyn Heights Cinema, but seeing it didn’t work out for one reason or another. Once Netflix made it available to instant stream, my desire to see it was renewed.

The animation in The Secret of Kells is beautiful. The colors really pop, especially in HD. But for a long stretch of the movie, I felt like I was just staring at pretty, moving pictures. When it came to the story, I was sitting there thinking “Huh?” for a good part of the movie. Eventually I caught up to what was going on, but more of The Secret of Kells might have been behind me at that point than ahead of me. This would be a fine way for the plot to work if The Secret of Kells was a mystery, but it’s not.

The Secret of Kells is as pretty as it is confusing.

Whenever characters would look at the Book of Kells, their faces would be covered with a golden glow emanating from the book. It only took 15 years, but we now have the answer to what is that damn briefcase in Pulp Fiction.

Vincent Vega’s original line “That Irish book is so beautiful.” was shortened in the final cut.

The Secret of Kells was a bit of a let down. It was okay, but I’m guessing its Oscar nomination was due more to the gorgeous animation and not the so-so, hard to understand story.

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On The Couch #41: First Blood

Continuing, my thematic movie watching, I watched First Blood on Veterans Day.

But my real reason for watching First Blood was that one my friends recently challenged my manhood because I had never seen it (or any of the Rambo movies for that matter). I hope that I have redeemed myself a bit in his eyes now that I’ve seen the first one.

Before this, the only connection I had to Rambo was a Rambo action figure’s Uzi I received in a bag of hand-me-down toys as a kid. The Rambo figure never made it to me, but that I didn’t mind as I now had the only He-Man on my block armed with both a mystical sword and an automatic weapon.

Little know fact: He-Man is a card-carrying NRA member.

I wonder how much First Blood influenced Bruce Springsteen in the writing of Born in the U.S.A. Bruce left out the one-man-taking-a-town-under-siege finale in the song, but the movie plays out as an hour and half long version of Born in the U.S.A.

At least Bruce was inspired by Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot

In the battle of 80’s action movies I’ve seen this week, First Blood is definitely the better film over Top Gun. Top Gun had some great fighter-jet sequences, but the bad in Top Gun was really bad. First Blood, on the other hand, was great the whole way through.

Included on the Blu-Ray is an alternate ending, where John Rambo forces Colonel Trautman to kill him. Imagine how much money they’d have left on the floor with Rambo dead! I think it’s safe to say Sylvester Stallone is very happy John Rambo survived his mental breakdown at the end of the film. As am I. I look forward to watching Rambo: First Blood Part II.

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On The Couch #40: Marathon Man

I ran the NYC Marathon this year. Since then, one of my coworkers keeps calling me Marathon Man, so I decided to mark the achievement by watching the movie of the same name.

The car chase scene in the beginning of Marathon Man is reason enough to watch the movie. It is the most ridiculous car chase scene ever filmed. It involves two geriatric men driving a pair of clunkers, in an alarmingly slow chase through crowded NYC intersections. I know this movie isn’t a comedy, but that chase had me rolling.

Most ridiculous car chase ever.

After I finished the movie, I met my girlfriend for lunch. I told her all about Marathon Man, that it starred Dustin Hoffman and a very old Sidney Poitier, and that Poitier plays a Nazi. Her very legitimate question: “There were black Nazis?” Whoops. Laurence Olivier, not Sidney Poitier. Two very different actors who have kind of similar sounding last names. Imagine that movie: Sidney Poitier as a black German who joined the Nazis disguised in white face and is now hiding out in South America.

This is not the bad guy from Marathon Man.

How cool is Roy Scheider as Doc, Dustin Hoffman’s secret agent brother? The answer is “so cool.” I was upset when he died, because it meant no more of his bad-assery.

I’m glad that Dustin Hoffman’s character Babe’s marathon training came into play as he made his escape from the bad guys. But I did think it was kind of a cop-out for him to take a cab back to his uptown apartment. Sure, you’re half-naked, bleeding and just escaped a Nazi torturer, but that’s no reason to hop in the back of a yellow cab! You’re a Marathon Man, Babe! Pump those legs!
I watched Marathon Man the day before a scheduled dentist appointment. If I realized the bad guy was a Nazi dentist, I might have watched The Running Man instead.

This image was in my head during my whole appointment.
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On The Couch #39: House of 1000 Corpses

Rainn Wilson was recently on an episode of The Nerdist podcast where he and host Chris Hardwick talked about starring in House of 1000 Corpses together. I knew Chris Hardwick was in it, and seeing him perform stand-up recently was enough to add the movie to my Netflix queue. Finding out Rainn Wilson was also in it was incentive to shoot the movie to the top of the queue. I had no idea that Rainn Wilson was in anything before The Office. I always thought he came out of nowhere, rocketed to stardom as Dwight, and made his feature film debut in The Rocker.

Rainn Wilson pretty much looks the same in House of 1000 Corpses as he does today. Chris Hardwick really doesn’t. When Hardwick first came onscreen, I didn’t think it was him. Today Chris Hardwick is a really skinny guy. I knew he lost weight when he gave up drinking, but wow, I didn’t realize what a dramatic change it was. Nice job, Chris.

I had a hard time finding this guy in House of 1000 Corpses.

While watching House of 1000 Corpses, I thought to myself “Oh yeah, this is why I don’t usually watch horror movies.” I thought the movie was good, but in the end it really wasn’t for me. I think a lot of that feeling had to do with the four friends being totally fucked right from the start. There never seemed like they had any chance of escaping in the slightest from the inbred serial killing family.

If you buy these for your baby, I’m reporting you.

In a way, House of 1000 Corpses reminded me of an episode of Louie, Louis C.K.’s TV show, where Louis C.K. goes to the south and notes that everything is slightly off down there. It’s almost like Rob Zombie is trying to tell us the same thing here. Lesson learned, Rob Zombie. I will stay out of the South.

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At The Theater #34: Red

I caught Red at a near-empty City Cinemas theater on 1st Ave and 60 St. There was me, the guy who walked in a minute before me, the guy who walked in a minute after me and a set of five grandmothers. I’m still trying to figure out what was up with those five grandmothers? Would they see anything with Helen Mirren or Morgan Freeman in it or were they just adrenaline junkies looking for a morning fix?

Even without the grandmothers, I was surprised the theater was this crowded. Not because Red is bad, in fact I liked it a lot, but because the screening was at 11:30 AM on a Monday. I thought there would be a good chance I’d be having a screening of one. Still, with only 7 people in the entire theater, I was able to spread out nicely and enjoy the movie.

Red is an action-comedy. What makes it work is that the comedy doesn’t come at the expense of the action. The action isn’t over-the-top slapstick, which works very well in other movies, but wouldn’t work here. The tone of Red is very similar to that of NBC’s Chuck, but without the dork-humor.

The scene where assassins descend on Bruce Willis’s suburban home was awesome. When that scene ended and his house is riddled with thousands of bullets, all I could think about were his neighbors, who all must be freaking out. Those killers weren’t exactly quiet in any sense of the word. And even if you sleep like a log, what would your reaction be to finding all those bullet casings in your cul-de-sac in the morning?

Also, can someone please explain to me how Willis got from the kitchen to behind the assassins in the hallway? I don’t remember seeing any second doorway. Did I miss something? I’d like to know in case a team of trained killers descends on my home. I’ll walk into the kitchen all confident thinking “You fools didn’t know I saw Red,” but then realize I have no idea how to get from the kitchen to back behind them.

The story of Red is nothing special. Anyone who has seen an action movie is probably familiar with the ex-CIA-agent-is-deemed-too-dangerous-to-live plot, but the movie is very entertaining. The dialogue is great, as is the cast. There were plenty of scenes that had me laughing loudly in the near-empty theater.

You have to really give it up for Helen Mirren. The very attractive Mary-Louise Parker is in Red, but you kind of forget about her when Mirren shows up. I hope I’m as sexy as Helen Mirren is when I’m her age. Actually, I wish I were as sexy as she is at my current age.

She’s 65.

If I had any problems with the movie, it was the very last scene. The surviving members of the crew are driving off into the sunset, making plans for the future when Bruce Willis and Mary-Louise Parker start going at it like their trying to channel their inner Tom Cruise and Kelly McGillis (link to Top Gun). Look, I’m no prude, but they weren’t even alone in the back seat. John Malkovich had to awkwardly sit there next to them. And they were in the middle of a conversation with everyone else in the car when they started going at it like two teenagers in the back of a Pontiac. Hey Bruce, come up for air! Brian Cox is asking you a question!

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On The Couch #38: Top Gun

So many people have asked me how is it that I have never seen Top Gun, and now that I have seen Top Gun, I have to ask myself why it took me so long. I loved Afterburner in the arcade, why wouldn’t I love this? Then again, I loved Spy Hunter and didn’t see my first James Bond movie until junior year of college.

I could never land that damn plane on the aircraft carrier.

Watching Top Gun is like watching someone’s idea of what the military would be like if Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell finally was repealed. Plenty of cabaret singing? Check! A hell of a lot guys close talking to the point where you’re waiting for them to just kiss already? Check! Tom Cruise standing in towel with his leg up on a bench trying to get Anthony Edwards to look? Double-check!

Look down, Goose.

But just so that no one would accuse of Top Gun of being homosexual propaganda, Tony Scott sticks in as many scenes of the grossest make-out sessions as he can between Tom “All Tongue, All The Time” Cruise and Kelly McGillis. I thought actors usually didn’t go for the tongue action during kissing scenes. Not Tom Cruise. He slobbers McGillis’s face like he’s Jabba the Hutt.

I recently heard that some actors were complaining that they don’t look as good in HD as they do in standard definition. Kelly McGillis should join that group. Blu-Ray and HD are not her friends. Her teeth are as green as the gates of Oz. Green smoker’s-teeth have freaked me out since I was a kid. I don’t know what it is about them, but whenever an adult with those kind of teeth would laugh, it would freak me out more than any horror movie could. I still shudder just thinking about it. Some kids feared clowns. I feared middle-aged women with two pack a day habits.

There are pretty much only two songs in Top Gun. They are Danger Zone and Take My Breath Away. Each one serves to let the audience know what kind of scene to expect. Action scene: Danger Zone. Make-Out Scene: Take My Breath Away. Are Goose and Maverick going to make out here? No, Danger Zone is playing. Oh, what a different movie this could have been if those two songs were flipped.

The New York Times reported that Tony Scott might make a Top Gun 2. If Indiana Jones, Transformers and Wall Street are any indication, it will star Shia Lebeouf.

Hey, he already knows how to ride a motorcycle.